HOW DO I GET MY KIDS TO RESPECT ME WHEN MY HUSBAND DOESN'T HELP, ACTUALLY ENCOURAGES DISRESPECT?

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Maryann - posted on 06/10/2013

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Hi
I think mine is a lost cause. My husband makes fun of me and disrespects me. I'm not organized the way he would like me to be. I work two part time jobs and also do some side jobs. He expects me to do all laundry for five people, food shopping, household cleaning, make sure the kids have everything they need. I do all and any shopping, ex. Christmas, birthday, miscellaneous. He works full time and does help around the house, but it's not consistent and only seems to be the jobs he decides he will do. In some sneaky way he has convinced our kids that I'm never there for them, that I don't keep a clean, organized house. They don't always come out and say it, and I can tell by the comments they make to me. They sound just like my husband, yet they will say that dad never talks about it to them. My young teenage daughter who I used to be so close to, now says she wishes I would just leave because I am never there for her, don't do anything for her, I'm stupid and she's never seen a mom like me and that I'm not like other moms she knows and always says there's something wrong with me. My husband says things out loud about me,pointing out all my negative qualities and things that I don't get done and has for years and the children hear all that. A few weeks ago I was texting a friend about all of this and he read my texts. He said he was sorry and didn't realize how he had been hurting me and he would not do it anymore. But, it didn't take long for him to go back to his old ways. I don't know how he does it with the kids. They don't even acknowledge that I work, they think he works so hard and does everything for them. I don't know what to do anymore.

Donna - posted on 01/28/2014

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My husband actually has the kids all buddy buddy with him and they are being totally rude to me. It hurts me and makes me so mad. He's so smug about it,and he does nothing about their blatent disrespect. He tells me "oh they have a problem with you because....? REALLY? He's gone all week doesn't see what goes on here, and I have to tell them.things a certain way because they have a problem with me? Yet, when they ate disrespectful to me in front of him....he says NOTHING! It is terrible. I feel like a stranger in my own home. The kids act like they are disgusted with me, they only listened and do for him. I can't stand it!!!

Paula-louise - posted on 09/23/2009

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your husband should attend a parenting class. encouraging children to be disrespectful is not just hurtful to you but is equally damaging for the child. children who a raised this way will not learn how to behave outside of the home, school will become a challenge and it will only be a matter of time before their behavior is noticed by the authorities. depending on the depth of this problem in your home it can also be recognized as domestic abuse. it needs to be stopped as quickly as possible. there are many organizations that can help you to bring order back in to your home through the inter net, classes with in your community and even by a court of law if it went that far. i wish you all the best and hope you can find the strength to over come this problem. as it is not a good family atmosphere to raise your children in nor is it healthy for you or them. good luck

Laurie - posted on 05/25/2014

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I had the same kind of husband, until he was my husband no more! Even divorce didn't end this form of emotional abuse, which is what therapists called it. He just was able to work on the kids and keep feeding then lies about me and telling them they didn't have to listen to me. Now my teen daughter is way out of control with saying she doesn't have to listen. And he always told them to keep secrets from me. I never founda good solution and now my kids are paying for it. :( good luck!

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Jinell - posted on 08/26/2014

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OMG! I thought I was the only mother dealing with that issue and not until a year ago realized that was a form of abuse- Domestic Violence. I treat it as if I am a single parent and completely zone him out but I focus on my children and take them out and that's where I get my kids attention and talk with them in the car. I recently signed my kids with Big Brother and Big Sister program too that exposed them to a positive mentor. Good Luck and hope you find some relief as I am struggling to find a way out. I learned that you need to make it a priority to take care of yourself so that it is right when you demand respect.

Sigurd - posted on 05/31/2014

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I decided to make an account just to add my 2 cents. I'm a father of 1 with 1 on the way, and was googling "how mum can gain respect of toddler", etc, because at the moment, I have all the respect of my son, but my partner is struggling. Anyway I came across this and I have to say these posts of abuse are really horrible, and it probably happens more than we think. But what these men are doing is totally wrong and to be honest, staying with them is setting a bad example for your kids. If you think about it, putting up with it is teaching your boys that disrespecting women is ok, and we all know what that leads to. Respect is huge, both mutually in the relationship and with your kids.

Miriam - posted on 02/11/2014

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I would love to see a man reply to this! Same here with the kids but with a difference as my husband has improved. I told on him to his parents haha. But he still undermines me just not in an aggressive way but more of a honey please kind of way.

Like now for food issues.... I tell my kids they are not allowed to eat unless its a designated food time. (lunch, snack, dinner kind of thing) Otherwise they make food messes all day long. We were talking and kids wanted to eat again an hour after snack time and I said they needed to wait another hour and a half for dinner. HE said he would not talk to me till they were fed and that I understand I am damaging them for starving them (omg its an hour and a half wow starvation!) I ended up feeding them and then when dinner came they only ate a little bit. By bedtime they were hungry again now ruining a bedtime routine. One of our kids is always missing dinner because of this same issue. Eating at the wrong time and not going to sleep on time making him tired next day and going to bed before dinner. A basic schedule just around this time kind of thing is important ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE 6 KIDS and one is a newborn....

Other day I was YELLING at the kids to clear the table. I did not start out yelling that was after 10 min. of telling them to. He was right there and not once did he tell them to listen. I started throwing stuff and I had a tantrum (this is not one of my finest points) He still did nothing except leave the room in shock and said um maybe you should listen to your mother. I still ended up cleaning by myself.

I just point everything out to him right away. And then tell on him to his mom. OK if you are going to treat me like a child then I will act like one and throw a tantrum and tattle on you. Also it helps he respects his parents otherwise that would not work haha.

Still I would love to see a man post something like my wife dont clean the whole house cause we have 6 kids blah blah blah and see how many favor his side.

Donna - posted on 01/30/2014

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We have been married 18 years...i am ready to leave...its emotionally devastating.

Arlene - posted on 01/29/2014

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omg that's terrible, I feel for you. i'm taken mine to family cancelling starting tomorrow. me first its that bad in my house, hang in there.

Arlene - posted on 01/29/2014

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My husband and my son disrespect me, I've been married 22 years we have a 15-year-old son together, my husband let's my son disrespect me and my husband disrespects me, I feel like my son hates me, I'm at a loss,He tells my son if he does anything wrong it makes his life hell for him! I feel this is wrong,I don't even want to live here anymore, my son hates me, I'm at a lost:( and I'm a good mother to him.

Julie D. - posted on 12/04/2013

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I second Laura T's advice. I've seen this done before. I even saw a TV station cover it on the local news once. The striking mom had set up a card table on her front lawn & hung a sign from it that said, "ON STRIKE." Then she'd talk to whoever came by & wanted to talk & she'd tell them what's going on.

The reporter treated it as a light hearted sort of story, but with a point.

I saw that story decades ago, but I still remember it.

Laura - posted on 11/26/2013

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Maryann...I think its time for you to go on strike. Continue to go to your job(s), make up your side of the bed, do your laundry (not theirs) and cook your own meals, not theirs.....and not another thing in that house and lets see how long it takes for them to realize that you deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect. And if your daughter is old enough to talk to you like that she's old enough to help with the household chores...ALL kids should have some responsibility in caring for their home.

Precious - posted on 06/06/2013

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I have the same crap. I have 2 months to improve on discipline or I lose my kids and my husband. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Picturelady5000 - posted on 05/27/2012

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What if they don't think they are being disrespectul and turn it back on you...my husband walks in the door and all I hear is the negatives about money, shopping, the house the lawn. Never can he notice I worked too..his stuff is always far more important than mine...so my daughter doesn't seem him complement me ever or hug me..he didn't even notice I was bleeding from a cut on my toe and my daughter noticed it imediately..if he is cut at alll you will know it..

Nannette - posted on 09/22/2009

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i am in the same situation as you are, and it has messed up my relationship with my 19 yr old daughter. now with my 9 year old son after a bout of depression and anxiety, disrespecting me is about enough and has to end, you have to step up and let your husband know that you cannot be pushed around, yes it is hard but you have to make your husband realize that you are as smart and intelligent as he is and as a human being have to be respected. How would you do that? make him feel that you are equal to him, you could do this without violence or hitting each other, if he shouts at you just look through his eyes and don't say a thing and make him feel that it does not affect you. I did that and it works. it will be a long process and very hard, you have to let your children see that disrespecting you is not acceptable in your household, by making them see and feel you are the boss in the house, no exceptions!!

Lisa - posted on 09/21/2009

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First of all Kimberly you need to get your husband aside and explain his behaviour to him and how it is disrespectful in itself let alone encouraging the children to behave in the same manner. You need to make sure that he understands that you, as a human being/mother/wife, deserve respect from all whom you share your life with, and that if he is going to encourage this behaviour it only shows his own disrepect, which i hope you have enough respect for yourself, to tell him that it will not be tolerated. I am then afraid that if the behaviour continues it is up to you to decide whether you will continue to put up with it or leave.

Tamara - posted on 09/21/2009

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Your children will model the same behaviour towards women if they are seeing this. You dont need it and the kids dont either, You deserve respect and if your not getting it you need to think about wether you want to stay in that relationship.

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Honstly, trying to do that is next to impossible. They are being taught this behavior if the father is encouraging it and if they don't have to change the behavior then they won't. I hope for your and their sake it changes.

Deirdre - posted on 09/20/2009

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Wow! That is a really tough one. I would definitely talk to my husband about his behavior. That is really awful. Mother's deserve respect not only from their children, but their husbands too. I will bet that he is not passive when the disrespect is being directed towards him! There isn't a lot that you can do until he is on board with you. If parents aren't a united front, children will manipulate the situation.

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I agree with Laura. I've been in this situation. My son was only 3 but because he had seen domestic violence against his bio mother from his bio dad...he thought it was ok to be rude to me (acting as his mother). My husband had to step up and be overly kind and respectful to me AND really discipline our son when he was disrespectful to me. It took some time but he is very respectful now as a 9 yr old.

Laura - posted on 09/20/2009

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Wow. That's a tough situation. Have you tried taking dad aside and explaining what he is doing is undermining you? Without his support, you're screwed because the kids are going to take the easiest raod and if that's dad, you're not gonna have any luck at all.

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