How do I get my son to understand he has to follow the rules!?

D - posted on 03/27/2012

Glad to share. One other thing if you can think of the 14/15 years as the terrible twos where the teen is realizing there are many decisions they can make on their own and you are there to guide them and pick them up when they fall and help them back on their feet - it may go smoother. At this age they really want to be independent but of course need boundaries that are consistent. Its a terrible age for parents to go through - just know that with your love and support (and yes discipline) the teen will emerge a responsible 16 year old and the days spent fighting will be far less. There is a light at the end of this tunnel haha.

Moniek - posted on 03/27/2012

You are right parenting teens is way different then disciplining a child. I am learning here too, like I said he is my step son and only moved in with us this last December. I didn't get to ease in to the teen years and it is so different from my younger sons. I appreciate your point of view and find it very helpful and your right 2 weeks is a very long time when your a teen. It is also hard because he does not have a lot of friends here yet and she is the only person he hangs out with. We have let them spend a lot of time together so I am not sure why he is sneaking out to begin with. His answers are always "I don't know". He is at his mom's this week for spring break but when he gets home we will adjust the punishments and hopefully have the same luck you have. Thanks again for the great insight, I feel a lot better about the situation!

D - posted on 03/26/2012

I feel your pain as we went through similar behaviour with my stepdaughter who is now 16. One thing I learned was to listen to the teen first to find out why the behaviour is happening. (was a group sleepover happening at that home and he wanted to be included? did he just want to spend more time with her? etc) At this age consequences are better received if they are quick and meaningful. Grounding for two weeks is excessive for a teen - and they will do anything to get out of it. Be very clear with the teen that they will lose a specific privelege for 48 hours (for example). One item not everything. For example we took the computer privelege away - knowing they will go online while at school or at a friend's. We combined that with grounding to the house (return home after school, no friends over etc) for those two days. Two days is long enough for a teen - they will learn to get it, as two days is something a parent can manage and can stay on top of. Its hard work to make sure your teen is not doing any of the things you took away for a whole two weeks - less stress for you while still showing the teen they need to follow rules. Also - why is he sneaking out? Did he spend the night there? Is this allowed in your home? We have allowed all of our teens (4 of them) to have boy girl sleepovers (in a group not just the boy/girl friend) since they were 15 (they are 25, 22, 18 and 16 now). We know where they are now rather than be worried having them sneak out. Trying to block your child from facebook is useless - its too easy for them to make a new account which it seems you have learned. Parenting rules will be different for each family, so what works for me wont work for others. Once we gave our teen more freedom - with the expectation that they tell us where they are, what they are doing, friending us on facebook, following rules including groundings, they seem to act more responsible. Now when we ground the teen we do it for 48 hours, home with us, no friends over, no computer, but let her use her phone and ipod (which allows her to go online) - at least we know that she is recognizing the error of her ways as she is stuck at home with us (and we make her hang out with us in the family room - no hiding in her room). Took a while but she is much better now, far less lying, and way less stress in the home. There comes a time when the parent needs to back off a bit and change discipline style - parenting teens is way different than disciplining a child....just remember when you were a teenager haha