How do I help my teenage daughter get out and make some freinds ? help !

Delicia - posted 16 minutes ago

I love this forum so much. Each time I have an issue with one of my girls you ladies help me work things out. Tracy, I'm having the same problem right now with my 14 yo daughter and I think it's more of a concern for me than it is for her. I went searching and the advice here is very helpful. My daughter once was the girl that everyone was excited to see and talk to in elementary school and she was very outgoing but once she transitioned to middle school it was her that changed and decided to be more to herself, quiet with just a small group of friends. Your description of your daughter is a mirror of my daughter right now. I know your post was written 3 years ago and I hope things are better for you and your daughter. I would just like to thank you for posting this as I'm also going through this at this current time and with all of the advice given to you; I will use as an inspiration for me.

LeeAnn - posted on 02/01/2013

Hey y'all! Just joined this group...already I feel better just knowing others are trying to deal with the same issues! My teenage daughter is 14, and has one good friend only. I'm trying to encourage her to make more friends, as this one girl does have other friends, and is not always available; therein lies the rub. She has ADD, but not the hyperactive type, more like the "HYPO-active" type...meaning she hates sports, and is too mellow for high drama. She is outspoken, and calls a spade a spade..as a Mom, I am so grateful for her strong convictions of right and wrong and not being a follower, but as you can guess, other kids don't appreciate it. The good thing is we talk all the time, and she tells me what's going on. Funny, I used to think it was just the "nerds" so to speak (which I was!) who got left out, or the "unattractive" (overweight, not pretty, acne, etc) in the eyes of the popular kids. My daughter is none of the above..I've been told for years she could easily be a supermodel. (No thanks) She can't figure out why the "ringleader" of which there's always one, is so popular and has so many friends...this girl is overweight and is not one of the prettiest girls by far...Now I'm NOT saying that should make a difference, everybody deserves to be treated well and have friends. I just don't understand what my daughter is doing wrong, if anything. She's a homebody, prefers to be on her computer or watching TV, and it breaks my heart. I personally feel things were better when kids went out to play in the streets and made their own friends...there's too much parent intervention, and parents deciding their kids friends because they like the other Mom! But, the world has changed...any advice? Thanks :)

Celeste - posted on 01/17/2013

Susie,
was she unhappy alone? Maybe putting her into some of these groups with her class mates would be good ) a phrame of reference for them to Share, talk, and laugh about.
Even though you are not religious you an fraternize with christians( is you spiritual stance that you do believe, are another religion or are you strongly against it? i ask you this because, this is a country of Freedom and religion. Most children won't even ask. She could just not say anything for a good while until they know her.
This age is awful. M daughter was having issues like this and just started having her ask friends to the movies,go with us to the mall or come over.I had a snack ready for them and had given some instruction to may daughter on how to 'relate" : 1) they are your guest so let them choose the activities. I AM SAYING THIS AND DON"T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER...describe her to me..what does she like: Music, reading ,fashion sports? what does she look like look like?
Clothing type..dark colors, jeans, sweats, modern? I would love to talk with about this with you!

Susie - posted on 01/17/2013

i am sitting here crying over the same thing for my girl. she is kind loving n accepting yet the girls at school tease her coz her best friends r two boys. she is friends with the boys coz the other girls are so nasty judgemental n outright mean. at least she knows where she stands with the boys. one boy lives too far away n one is so frightened to c her outside school incase they tease them more.she is 14 &has spent her entire holidays alone . i dont understand. i feel like i should help her. i just want her happy i am going to try girl guides or a youth group only they r all religious we r not. prob is getting her there

Robin - posted on 09/20/2012

I wish I had some advice for you. I am struggling with my 14 yr. old. She has a few friends but feels that she does not have anyone that she can confide in or trust. She also says she does not like people and feels that many her age act foolishly. I am proud that she has not chosen to go along with the crowd to keep friends. However, I worry because she feels very alone, she is quiet and is fearful to make new friends. I believe that when she says that she does not like people that maybe she doesn't like herself so much. I am trying to help her build confidence, but it has been such a struggle and I am not sure how to help her. My heart breaks over this also. She even tells me that she feels like a loser.

Vanessa - posted on 09/18/2012

I have a daughter in the same boat. Except she is very kind and people try to get to know her, but she won't. She doesn't like people and thinks they are fake. She is a recluse and has trust issues. She is fine having people over, but will not trust people to go out to their houses and such. I don't know why. I think because she is afraid someone will do something bad to her as she has seen in movies and on the news, etc. It breaks my heart, but I tell her to remember that she is in school to learn and while others are worried about their now, she is in the right to worry about her now for her future and to keep on keeping on. Who cares if people in high school remember you, it's not what it use to be. My daughter is two years older and we have a great relationship. My heart breaks for her too, and I can't figure out her trust issues :(

Beck - posted on 04/19/2010

start hanging with her friends!!!!

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2010

being at home is not a bad thing these days, she is out of trouble. have her do a slumber party and invite girls that might do it for ya, be the cool mom where all the girls wanna hang out. this way you get to know her friends and you know what they are up too, they are in your sight. don't be in a hurry for her to go out, that time will come and you will miss the home body.

Christine - posted on 04/11/2010

THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS!!! IS'NT BETTER SHE'S HOME, DONT PUSH HER ALL IN GOOD TIME SHE'S ONLY 13 IT'S A BIG NASTY WORLD OUT THERE SHE WILL LEARN THAT SOON ENOUGH WHEN SHE BECOMES AN ADULT AND HAS ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH.......THERE ARE SO MANY MOTHER'S TRYING TO KEEP THEIR KIDS HOME!!!! BE GRATEFUL YOU DONT HAVE THAT PROBLEM....

Celeste - posted on 04/10/2010

There is a ring of relationships: the first is family and close friends it's tiny..these are people you would confide anything to and would go to the for support., then you have a friendship ring who are people you do things with have clubs , sports and other interests in common. then you have an aquaintance ring those who skirt your life. I am a person who felt I was blessed with MILIIONS of friends, everybody thinks they know me, but in my illness I realized how few REAL friends I had....( many of theses friends who really turned out to be aquaintances used up my energy with their problems. And when I needed them they just weren't there for me.) When I started weeding all the negative people out of my life my health got better and I was a lot wiser (I never had time to cultivate lasting healthy relationships, because I hadn't had time for my few real friends)

I have one daughter like me and one like her Dad. The one like her Dad is very reserved about who she lets in. I notice her stress level is less and self esteem is so much higher. My little one is a social bug and doesn't understand and gets hurt by people she thinks are her friends.( Like I always have) I watch as her real friends stay clear of her when she is around the other negative friends. I have watched and learned from this and my advice would be to tell them to you don't have to like everyone, you do have to be NICE TO EVERYONE BUT YOU NEED CHOOSE your friends WISELY!!!! Maybe you daughter and your boys have this skill already!!!! GOOD LUCK:0)

Shelley - posted on 04/10/2010

we just want our children to be happy in their life, right moms

Angie - posted on 04/10/2010

She seems happy with her choices. Let her be the person that God made. She'll open up when she's ready.

Diane - posted on 04/09/2010

My daughter is exactly the same, but we just moved here 7 months ago. I hope it's just a phase and so far I've learned patience and to be thankful we don't have the opposite problem: out with kids we don't approve of, too interested to boys, etc. For now i just realize that we are together a lot and I'm trying to just savor that my teenager is happy to spend every afternoon, evening and weekend with our family. Things could be much worse! I, too, hope my daughter eventually finds a nice group of friends in high school, which seems to be more accepting of individuals than the middle school awkward years. Hang in there and enjoy your times together.

Shelley - posted on 04/09/2010

I wonder if your daughter has a low self image? Or is she perhaps depressed. Sometimes when people maybe do not like themselves and it can manifest into feelings of intolerance, or dislike for other people. I have had feelings of that type. This could be part of the problem. I suggest It may do her some good to speak to a therapist...just a thought. I know I would feel the same as you If this were happening to my daughter. Good luck with your daughter :)

Rebeca - posted on 04/09/2010

Hi it sounds like you have already had some great advice but to further re-assure you, my daughter is 12 and in her first year of high school. Since kinder she has always had just one or two friends she likes hanging out with, although she is a popular student in class and everybody seems to like her.

She also just stays at home all the time, and as she started a new school in an accelerated class this year and didnt have anybody from primary school in her class, about three weeks into the new school year I nagged her to text some of her new school friends and organise a playdate at the local swimming pool for the weekend. She did so and they all came and have now formed a great supportive little group of friends. Since then, they have all been over for a sleepover for my daughters birthday, but generally after school, she still just wants to stay home, do her homework and chill with her dogs and cats (and family I hope).

She has spent every Saturday horseriding since she was 5 years old and has always maintained that she wants to work with animals so its possible that your daughter also prefers the company of an animal which offers unconditional love rather than a bunch of judgemental teenagers. And I agree that soon you will be so worried every time she leaves the house that you will be wishing you had these days back so relax and enjoy spending time with your daughter, talk to her and really get to know her.

As sad as it sounds, we don't know how long we will have people in our life so make the most of every moment with your daughter and tell her constantly how much you love her. It may seem to embarrass or annoy her but believe me in her heart she will never doubt it and this may be very important some day.

Vickie - posted on 04/09/2010

i hate to say it i think she is just 13 she will change soon and you will wish she was still the recluse she was kids of that age are funny they see things in a very weird way but it is just there way trust me dont worry as long as she has friends in her school i wouldnt worry one jot.

Kim - posted on 04/04/2010

Is it possible she's just an introvert ? My kids are mostly outgoing with people they know, but I have a couple who are very shy and absolutely refuse to be pushed - and I have learned, pushing makes thing SO much worse. Your heart may break - but she may be perfectly content and you just don't see it.
I personally cannot say much - I myself am an introvert and it's hard for me to go out even with friends I know and am comfortable with. Once out, yes, I do enjoy myself, but honestly, I would have been happier at home with my family - give me a good book and soft music and I'm ecstatic ! My kids, some are extroverts, some are like me. Nothing wrong or bad in it, and there are many people who are introverts. Seems it's harder on the extrovert parents of introvert kids (and vice versa) than on the kids, themselves.
At her age, hormones, peer pressure, only 4+ years til she's an adult (some fear growing up), awkwardness (her body is changing and never at the same rate as others, which adds to the self pressure).
Rather than have her write a paper why she doesn't like people, ask her if she'd like to invite just one friend over for a movie or a board game. Or if you're heading to the mall, ask if she'd like to bring a friend along.
Maybe she'd like to just spend more time with you ? I have one that's always been my shadow, so we do things together, as well as with all my kids.
It all depends on the type of person she is and what she's going through. Give her space to "find herself" but be there to guide her. She's perfectly normal - lots of people are not the "people person" types. Maybe she'll be someone who works with animals as an adult ? Blessings to you both.

Kerri - posted on 04/03/2010

Is this a change from her normal behavior? If your daughter has always been like this and has no other red flags, then maybe she is just shy, prefers having only a few close friends she can trust, or just likes to stay in the comfort of her home. Talk with her. Ask if she is being bullied at school, has trouble making friends, etc. If anything seems amiss, take her to her pediatrician or a counselor to be evaluated.

My daughter used to enjoy hanging out with her friends. She became a homebody around age 15. Although she talked about friends from school, she never wanted to call them to go anywhere. I noticed other changes in her, too. She was irritable and short-tempered, suffered from insomnia, and could not take the slightest criticism. It was hard to know whether it was just normal teenage behavior or something else. I became concerned enough to take her to a counseler and to her pediatrician. I figured she just had to work through some things, since some recent changes in our lives had been hard on her. She was diagnosed with depression.

My daughter still struggles with self-esteem issues and depression (despite being a beautiful, smart, and funny person to the outside world), but at least we know what the issues are and can work through them together. Best of luck!

Carolyn - posted on 04/03/2010

Tracy, I wouldn't stress over it too much she's just finging herself first. Sometimes if we all would just sit back and be by ourselves to get to know our wants, thoughts, maybe some of the things we were pressured into would not have happened. Believe me she will turn into a social butterfly in HER own time.

Lyn - posted on 04/03/2010

thats good that she has friends at school, and encouraging for her to know you support her. School can be tough not only the work!

Deb - posted on 04/02/2010

Just a question for you. My 13 year old is in her first year of middle school and I can tell you that I would NOT want that to be me. I feel so incredibly bad for her. Have you seen the movie "Mean Girls?" My daughter is living a much worse situation (bullying, teasing, untrue rumors, etc.) as are some of her friends. They are good girls but being tortured on a daily basis, so I understand completely why my daughter does not want to go out. On the other hand, she does have some very nice, good friends and I encourage her to have them come and hang out at our house so that I know who she's staying with and what they are involved in.

Rachel - posted on 04/02/2010

Accept that teenagers often like to relax and not go out. It's ok. But try and encourage her by being a good role-model yourself, which I'm sure you are, and you try new things too that are out of your comfort zone. This will encourage her to. Go with her and gradually keep a distance now and then if she is joining in with someone. Or invite a friend over. Get bks, info. on things they both like. Plan to go to a new thing altogether, friend/s too and watch from a distance. Go for a few times, then let them go on own. learning a new craft/skill at home 1st, with bks from library and a friend or trwo, often then progresses to going out to course outside/sport session/club as they realise they like it and are good at it. Try the activity yourself too and your keeness will rub off on daughter. I'm a Parent Support Worker that advises/helps parents cope with difficult teenagers with new Parenting Skills and am a Qualified Counsellor too. wwwparentlinePlus and Netmums are good websites for support and BBC Teenangels bk is easy and good. I use ADDapt Parenting Programme book wit my parents. Very practical ideas to manage teenagers behaviour difficulties.

Bernice - posted on 04/01/2010

Oh, I wrote before I read your entire question. Sorry. I was very shy. I opened right up when I got to high school. It is hard not to worry about our children. I have a 14 year old and a 13 year old. If the church group will take suggestions, you can suggest things to them that you know she would like to do, maybe that will help her to at least explore the group. Or if they have just a girls group and if she has one or two friends at church who is in the group would be helpful in getting her to explore the group. Ask the youth group to host an explore the group outting. You probably reall;y don't have to worry. She may be a little more sensitive to what people say or think and therefore is shy because she doesn't want to be hurt. If you are still worried, try to get one teen she trusts to invite her to do some things she would enjoy.

Bernice - posted on 04/01/2010

Encourage her to take extracurricular classes that she would enjoy, and perhaps it will help her to open up. Classes like drama (even if she likes to be behind the scenes she can still help), music, ROTC (has many groups for teens to join), after school athletics where she can compete, or business courses she might enjoy (accounting, drafting (graphic design), typing, cosmetology) whatever the school offers. As a last resort she can get a job. She may enjoy working however you probably don't want her to work too many hours because you don't want it to affect her school work. At work she can meet students from her school or other schools that work their or even come in to patronize the business, like a cashier for 15 - 20 hours a week. Anything to get her out there.

Geraldine - posted on 04/01/2010

Tracy your welcome anytime hun..........

Valerie - posted on 04/01/2010

i would trust her on this and maybe talk with a few people at school too...i used to worry when my kids didn't want to go out with their friends, especially the ones I thought were trustworthy...came to learn years later that those friends weren't so trustworthy...just better manipulators...my kids were trying to avoid the drinking and trouble that was going on...trust your child and check in at school to learn more...

Tracy - posted on 04/01/2010

Ladies , Thank you so much for all the wonderful support , advise and caring , it is so appreciated, this forum is so wonderful, and to talk and listen to other Moms that have similiar situations is comforting, I don't have anybody in the same situation, so it is hard. Thank you again . Happy parenting to all of us !

Victoria - posted on 03/31/2010

I HAVE A SIXTEEN YR OLD WHO DOESNT LIKE GOING ANYWHERE UNLESS ITS WITH ME OR HER DAD. SHE'S A GOOD STUDENT TAKES AP CLASSES AND LOVE TO SING. I DONT PUSH HER INTO GOING PLACES BECAUSE MYSELF DONT LIKE BEING AROUND PEOPLE UNLESS IM AT WORK. I HATE THE MALL OR CROWDED PLACES AND SO DO HER. I SOMETIMES WILL ASK HER DO SHE WANT TO GO PLACES WITH HER FRIENDS SHE SAY NO. I DONT PRESSURE HER BECAUSE I KNOW SOONER OR LATER WE GONNA WISH THEY WILL STAY HOME.

Ruth - posted on 03/31/2010

She will probably become more social as she gets a little older and gains more self confidence. My daughter was the same way. She is 17 now and is socially just fine. She doesn't go to every football game or party with her classmates (which is good!). If it is really concerning you, just get to know one or two of the moms of her classmates and plan for the 4 of you to go out. I did this when my daughter was in middle school. I am still friends with the mom but our girls are in different social circles now. They still talk at school and text a bit...but it eased my concerns and got my girl out of the house.

Tracy - posted on 03/31/2010

My 15 year old son is also quite the home body. He has friends, but he just prefers to be at home with mom, dad and sis. We do so many fun things as a family, I guess he hasn't really looked farther than his own backyard. We invite his friends over for sleepovers sometimes, usually in conjunction with the Superbowl or a big game. His church friends come over for youth group events too. Some of the neighborhood kids come over for basketball or meet at the park across the street from us. In the summers they hang out at the neighborhood pool, too. I think this is plenty of socializing for this age.

At 13 kids are trying to figure out where they fit into society. It's just easier to avoid it all than to try and fit in a group. Don't let her avoid it for too long because the kids will move on without her. If she is in band, choir, or other groups at school, she will develop friendships with those kids, and you can have her start out by asking one or two of them to a movie or to spend the night. If you haven't already, and it fits the family budget, get her a cell phone so she can text her friends. Many times they work out social activities via texts. Have her go to school dances with someone she knows, throw an end of year party and invite people she knows and people she is less familiar with. I think when she has some positive interactions with kids her age, she will want to get out there a little more often. Good luck!

Julie - posted on 03/31/2010

My oldest daughter JUST turned 15 and is the same way... she is just a home body! I'd rather have her be that way then out doing stupid teenage things, like drinking and partying. My friends 16 yr old daughter just showed up PG a few months back... so I consider us lucky!

Geraldine - posted on 03/31/2010

I wouldnt worry hun if you read some of the stories of kids ur daughters age who r running wild and gettn into all sorts of trouble. Count yourself lucky to have such a gem of a daughter cause give it time and she will start to "smell" herself and ud wished u had the old 13 1/2 yr old back....good luck

Patricia - posted on 03/31/2010

I wouldn't worry..your daughhter seems to be content with her life and the few friends she has..I can relate to how you feel though, I have two teenage boys who seem to stick to a few good friends and both have spent many a days just hanging out at home. As a parent, I too use to wish that they had more friends...but the more I thought about it, the less friends they have, the more we as parents know about them and their friends. She will expand her friendships when she is ready. Keeping it simple is probably te best for both of you.