How do I re-establish a relationship with my teenage daughter?

Amanda - posted on 03/19/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

1

7

0

I have a fourteen year old daughter and she has been raised by her father. I have been a drug addict and in and out of prison for the biggest part of her life. I have three months sober and her and I are starting to build a relationship. I love my daughter and I do not want to bring her any harm but tonight I pulled her hair and threw a lighter at her because I lost my temper. I have been under some stress and actually staying sober has been easy for the first time even with the stress but now that I have put my hands on her I feel horrible and feel like I should not be around her alone until I get some counseling. She is only being a teenager meaning she is just testing me with back talk and making it impossible for me to find reasonable solutions but tonight I failed her test and now I don't know what to do. God help me, please!!

Amanda

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

5 Comments

View replies by

Susan - posted on 10/23/2011

1

52

0

just try to be patient with her ..i have three kids 1 girl 2 boys and its hard cause they frustrate you...but count to 10 then try to talk to her ..never while yer angry...just walk away and count to 10 and take deep breathes...thats what i do and it helps...from michelle...kittannning,pa

JuLeah - posted on 10/23/2011

3,133

38

681

Whoa ... she is NOT making it it impossible for you to find reasonable solutions. You pulled her hair and threw the lighter because you CHOOSE to and for no other reason.



That was not her fault, but 100% yours - get that. Recovery is about living an honest life and if you start telling lies to others or your self, it is a quick trip back to using



She is not really testing you. She is angry, odds are and with just cause. You have been gone most of her life.



I think you are on to something with the idea of not being around her alone. And I hope you are seeing a counslor.



Three months is not a long time sober and you know that no one who knows you will be ready yet to trust this is for real - you will need to get a few years under your belt to start building up some trust - your words won't mean much to anyone right now, it is your actions they will be listening to



Plan fun activities that she will enjoy - listen to her, really listen to her when you are with her. 'See' her. Make it okay for her to express her anger with you, her disapointment .... whatever she is feeling. Make it okay for her to talk with you honestly.



Maybe take her with you to the counslor if she is willing for a joint session or two

Mary - posted on 10/22/2011

15

7

1

first of all! You must feel just awful for what you did. You need to ask your daughter for forgiveness! Tell her that you were wrong to pull her hair and that you should not even have a lighter around....this must mean you are smoking... not the best influence for your young teen! If she accepts your apology(she may be angry at you) come up with some sort of sign that she can say if she feels you are about to get angry at her! Try holding her hand when you are talking to her... when you or she lets go that is a sign that the person is feeling uncomfortable and you need to stop the subject and come back to it later! Disipline means to teach... so set the best example you can. Think of how you would want your daughter to behave! You have been sober for three months only so take it slow! Remember Hands are for holding! Always speak in a calm voice and let her know she must use the calm voice too! If you love her with all your heart she will know it! Back talk is NOT allowed.... YOU might want to write her a lettter about how you feel. Ask her to write one back to you!

Karen - posted on 03/22/2010

41

1

0

I'm the stepmother to 14 yr old boy/girl twins with a mother that has drug issues. If I was the girl's father I would have insisted that you and your daughter have supervised visits in a social services facility. That way you could ask for help with parenting skills etc. Congratulations on your sobriety and I applaud you for doing this.

Go back to your sponsor and ask where you can get help with parenting skills in the communtiy. It may also be a good time to talk to your daughter about how you are feeling and what you both need to do in order for you to both stay safe.

Tracy - posted on 03/19/2010

234

0

35

Hi Amanda,



I admire your courage to try to reach out to your daughter after all you've been through. I think you have good instincts on this one about not being alone with her any more for a while. If you are having trouble with controlling your anger, a sassy teenage girl will surely draw it out of you. You will have to apologize to her and let her know that you messed up and that you are getting counseling so that you can one day hope to have some kind of relationship with her. If she agrees to more contact with you, then it will have to be supervised by someone.



Since she is already 14, the relationship you build with her really cannot be a parent-child relationship, but perhaps a friendship. You probably have a lot that you can teach her, and I pray that it will work out for you!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms