How do i stop my 14 year old daughter from destroying herself?

Tammy - posted on 05/14/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My daughter is playing around with drugs..... what do i do?

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When it comes to things like that I believe that being open and honest are the ONLY way to be, especially dealing with a young mind. You have to get back the trust in order to even begin the conversation with your daughter. Somewhere down the road she began to feel as if she couldn't trust you otherwise she most likely would have come to you when she initially thought about doing drugs. You should just show as much love & support so that you can get to the bottom of this and send her to get help if you feel as if that's the best thing. One last thing though...You must be FIRM!!! You can't come across as a pushover and you have to have knowledge about what you're talking about because she will think that she can tell you anything and you will fall for it. It's going to be a long difficult road, but don't give up! I will pray for you and the best outcome!

Stacey - posted on 05/16/2009

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I would talk with her and explain that you love her too much to allow drugs to rule her life and you will take her for random drug tests ( most doctor office or after hour clinics will do them). If she fails them I would explain that she will have some consequences for example if she is driving age----no driving what so ever because you can't risk her life or other while she is under the influence. If it is just hanging out with friends then you'll have to stop that until she is tested negative. I told my son just to let friends know we drug test---it worked and gave him an out. Also there are lots of kids that say you can cheat those test but their are test that can't be cheated on. Lots of people try them but the key is not to begin at all. Be there and stay alert but there are alot of drugs out there. Know her friends and try to make your home more available so you can be aware of whats going on. We can't always hold their hands but when the trust is broken they lose some freedom. It has to be earned back. Hang in there and don't ever give up!

Tammy - posted on 05/16/2009

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Quoting Tammy:

How do i stop my 14 year old daughter from destroying herself?

My daughter is playing around with drugs..... what do i do?



Have her communicate with my 18 yr old son. My son is in juvenile prison. His choices of drugs,alcohol and poor choice of friends landed him there. From experience you have every right to be concerned about your daughter. I have seen darn near everything & its heartbreaking to see what the drugs can do to our babies.



Stand strong, be firm when you say no.Go to the drug store & buy a drug test. Tell her your sending it to the cops to be tested. I know it may not be the truth but when it comes to your child we go beyond all boundries. I did tell my son a story such as that and it helped for a while.



 

Nikita - posted on 05/14/2009

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My daughter is now 18 and I wish that I could tell you that things have turned out great, but they have not. I did the going to school with her, raiding her space and room. She even went to treatment twice, but she went because she had to not because she wanted, so it was a waste of time.....At this point the best advice I can give is stay prayed up, pray without ceasing. Listen to what she does and not necessarily what she says. Keep talking to her she does hear you and even if she does not react or respond the way you want right now, she does hear and won't forget what you have said. My daughter ran away two weeks before her birthday, but she has called to talk because no matter how hard they try, we moms are irreplaceable. Best wishes and my prayers are with you. You still have time don't give up.

Corina - posted on 05/14/2009

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I'm no expert, and everyone is different. My older brother had a drinking and drug problem as a teen, and it does affect the siblings as well as the parents. He still to this day has not changed much. I watched helplessly as my mother cried herself to sleep the nights he was out all night. He wouldn't come home for days at a time. He ended up in trouble with the law and was forced to seek help at a boys home. It was at that point my mother received help. She finally had to say "I will not allow this in my home!" She used tough love. She didn't kick him out, but gave him the choice. If he wanted a roof over his head and food to eat... he would stop. And he did for awhile. Then when he moved out on his own..the drinking and pot started all over again. It still breaks my moms heart, but she knows inside, she can only love him and pray for him. What else can you do?

Meg - posted on 05/14/2009

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What help has she had in dealing with those past issues you mention ? You have both certainly been through a lot. Is your daughter close to her siblings and is she aware of how her behaviour is hurting them ? Do you think your daughter lacks respect for you at some level because you of your ex and the fact you introduced him into her life and all the pain that bought after the bereavement you both suffered with the loss of her father and she uses that against you to make you feel guilty and useless ? I think you owe it to yourself and to your children to start standing up to Jess, I think Angie has given you some excellent pointers as to where to start. You can do this, also, maybe you need to get some help for yourself, make the time to do so, your kids will thank you for it.

Angie - posted on 05/14/2009

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Bless your heart. I'm sorry you are having this battle right now. Here are my thoughts. Even though you need to pick up three other children at school you HAVE to get her from school. Make arrangements with the other children's school to pick them up a few minutes early or a few minutes late and make sure you pick her up. Take your vacation time from work and take her to school each morning. Sit outside her classroom or even in her classroom and make sure she stays in class. Don't allow her to leave your home without you until she has rebuilt your trust in her. Drug test her once a week and when her drug test comes back clean 2 weeks in a row, start allowing her a little time alone - at school only - but as soon as her 1st drug test comes back dirty, go back to sticking by her side. It will be a HUGE sacrafice for you and your family but is HAS to be done. Good luck

Tammy - posted on 05/14/2009

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I just want to thank you all again, i know it seems as if im just counteracting every thing you say but this is my issue, i feel i have done all i can, but nothing is working :( i know she loves me and i love her, but her friends are priority to her and i feel at a compleate loss, it warms me to hear your thourghts and messages, it does help to releive some of the hurt, Tammy xx

Tammy - posted on 05/14/2009

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Thanks Jessica, she is a mummys girl, jess doesnt sneak out at night, she just stays out all day from the moment she gets home. She constantly misses school, even they are finding it hard to keep her there, i work and have to pick up the other 3 children at the same time jess gets out of school, to which she is only a 10min walk from home. So by the time i get hom she has already gone. Night time hasnt been an issue just lately, but its the day time during school hours that i have a problem with. Thanyou for your advice xx

Tammy - posted on 05/14/2009

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Thanks Melinda, yes she is trying to fill an emptyness she has in her heart, the loss of her father and the abuse of my ex husband, but i cant reach her any more.... thankyou for your advice xxx

Jessica - posted on 05/14/2009

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First put in an alarm system in your house that will alert you at night if a door or window is opened. This way you can stop her from sneaking out while you are sleeping. Second definitely ground her. No friends, no going out, no phone, computer, tv and random drug tests administered by you. You can purchase these tests online. She will fight you all the way but she will thank you for it later. I have a difficult 14 year old daughter as well. Haven't caught her with drugs yet but I suspect she will probably dabble in it too if she hasn't already. I know how you feel because me and my daughter butt heads constantly. Just stay strong as you can. Don't give up on her she won't admit it but deep down she wants and needs you to guide her and love her and giving up is something you can't do. Make her go everywhere with you, don't leave her home alone. Don't give her the opportunity to "hang out" where she can get in trouble.

Melinda - posted on 05/14/2009

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it's a cry for help!! something happened to her to lead up to this! ( rape, abuse ,peer pressure, being bullied!...) she is trying to make those bad feelings go away! and sadly it's drugs that are helping! it happened to me at that age :( pot was my choise but i also drank alot!!!! i finally quit the pot! but kept drinking..but then i met my husband and with some help ..i have been 8 yrs sober :) don't give up on her!! PRAY!! every day!! Jesus hears you and he will help your daughter and you to be strong!! i will pray for yall! i wish yall both the best! your daughter needs you even though she pushes you away! don't get angery! she is yerning for your love!!



God Bless :)

Tammy - posted on 05/14/2009

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Thanks Meg, but sadly we have been there and done that. she wont get help and cant be made too here, the way it works here is if they dont want help no one can make them. she knows very well what the affects are, and my calm feelings of it are, but she doesnt seem to care. peer pressure yes very much so, but when she just goes and stays out wheather i let her or not, i have no control. I have even been driving around at 1am looking for her, because i had no idea where she was. I just feel i am loosing my daughter and noone seems to be able to do anything about it. everything here is volantary, so if she says no.... then my hands are tied. I am a mess and my other children are suffering for it.

Meg - posted on 05/14/2009

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Does she know that you know about her dabbling yet ? I think it's best to appear calm to her and as non confrontational as possible when you discuss it with her, make sure she's aware of the side effects of the drugs she's using. If you feel she needs professional help then get it for her and maybe even yourself. Most importantly, you need to stop her being in the situation where the drugs are available, I suspect you may have to ground her for a time, you have to let her know that she has broken the trust you had in her as a sensible young woman but as she is still a child in the eyes of the law you will be working with her to enable her to win your trust back but under your rules, it's important that she knows you're doing what you're doing because you love her and not because you're punishing her, that you're trying to keep her safe and enable her to stop experimenting with drugs.



Most importantly, don't blame yourself, peer group pressure combined with teenage angst are the most likely contributing factors here and not something you have or haven't done, easier said than done I know (well for me at least !)



Hugs.

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