how do u let go when your child's 18 i try and dont think i am doing a good job at it????

Sarah-Jayne - posted on 11/10/2009

omg I thought I was the only one with this problem. My daughter too is 18 and is my only child. I didnt think leavin go wud be this hard. She is my best friend and I adore her, but she is a grown woman now with her own life to live. The best way I am dealin with it it to think that if u have a good relationship, then they never really leave you.

Like the lady wrote below (Tami) just tell them the door is always open and u are still on hand to do all the things that u did before.

Heartbreakin I know. If someone wud have told me all those years ago, that I wud have trouble lettin go of a teenage daughter, I wud have laffin in their faces. But omg how much they wud have been rite.

Hope all goes well for you x x x

Shelly - posted on 11/10/2009

Melissa,

You are mom you never let go you just loosen up a little...I have a 23 and 18 yro and I have never let completely let go. Our oldest is in the Navy and so it's a little harder to hang on but it's still there....We were talking on the web cam and he was in his room on his bed with no sheets and I as mom asked why his bed wasn't made...and the funny part was he hurried up and made his bed...We laugh pretty hard about that one!!!! So as long as you hold that title of MOM you will never let go you just find different ways of holding on!!!!

Sonal - posted on 11/10/2009

I understand. I hv a 19 yr old daughter. I try to be a friend and listen . Give advice only when asked. Be there to help them when they need you especially when mistakes are committed. You need to tackle them psychologically. I do just that and it works miracles...

Rhonda - posted on 11/09/2009

my son is gunna b 18 on the 25th n im pining so bad :/ so when you find out let me know

Laura - posted on 11/09/2009

You don't have to "let go"......you just have to allow him or her to have the room to grown on their own. give them the room to move around some... My son just turned 18. BUT.....he's still in high school in the 12th grade and graduates in June of 2010. I've learned to step back....watch the kind of decisions he's making.....but I'll be right there if he falls. Is your child still at home with you or leaving for college? Every day is a battle knowing that soon he will be gone. It makes me sad honostly......keep in touch and let me know how it goes

Kim - posted on 11/09/2009

youll never let go your a mom, just give lots of love and support but let them make a few of their own mistakes or theywill never learn , letting them make their own mistakes is real hard but u need to do it

Melani - posted on 11/08/2009

Baby steps, momma!! I believe it's one of the hardest things we have to do..

Rachael - posted on 11/08/2009

it is the hardest job...when my eldest left i thought i was going to fll apart....i turned into a jibbering wreck...BUt then i listened to the words i had said to her-live yr life,be safe be happy and remember i will always love you no matter what...and i picked myself up...we talk every day and i thank the world for mobile phones...she is at university 4 hrs away from us...but shes is living the life she needs to in order to get herslef somewhere in this world...maybe i did my job too well..wings and roots wings and roots..xx

Crystal - posted on 11/08/2009

yea i know girl my daughter just moved out in sept. but u know she is doing well, and your right i raised her the best that i could and she is just running with it she will start collage in the fall. she has a full time job. but the most inporant part is she stays in touch with me every day and she lets me know when she needs something. so dont b afraid to let go, they want go far from u, not talking in miles, but in life they will still b ther in ther on way. u will miss them alot, but they keep in touch so its not to bad.

Melissa - posted on 11/08/2009

Melissa, I realize that most of the replies are geared toward a child leaving home, which is what I'm going through with my 18 year old. Karen & Leanne have some good advice for a child staying home. When you talk to her it makes her feel that you respect that she's growing up and giving her an opportunity to tell you what she thinks should happen also gives you an opportunity to explain where you're coming from. From my own experience and those of friends and family with college age students still living at home or visiting on the weekends, curfews and where they spend their time is the biggest issue.

Although mine is at school about an hour and a half away, when he comes home for the weekends, we have to juggle the "under my roof" vs "I'm an adult now" mentalities and it gets a little hard. The hardest thing was trying is to make them still live within boundaries when they stay home and go to college from home. Keep in mind that many of their new friends at school are living on their own and will have alot more freedom. I've explained to my son that we still need a curfew when he's home because I need to know that he's okay and also be alert as soon as possible that there is a problem if ever there is one. I am reasonable that if they start an activity late and he'd have to leave in the middle of having fun, that all he has to do is call me and alert me that there is a change of plans - I'm all about "Who with" and "What's going on". I don't like to have to try to track him down.

Finding opportunities to talk and finding out what she's enjoying and disliking during this transition in life will give you an opportunity to continue to share your values with her and see things from her perspective as well.

Whatever you do, the fact that you're realistic enough to know that you've got to bend some yourself is definitely an indication that you're a mature mom. GOOD LUCK!!! I know I need it everyday.

Leanne - posted on 11/07/2009

Why don't you ask your daughter? She is probably thinking the same thing .I know they sometimes act like they know everything and they don't need us but don't be fooled, they have to work just as hard at letting go as we do. Try to think of it more as the relationship evolving rather than letting go. The one thing that will never change is that you love her and she loves you. Good luck.

Karen - posted on 11/07/2009

Is your 18 yr. old still living at home, because if she / he is you really do not let go, you just give them a little freedom. If you have trust and you know in your heart you have raise them the best you can it will be ok. That has been my approach and so far so good.

Janelle - posted on 11/07/2009

I had share-care of my children and learnt early that I WAS RESPONSIBLE to fill MY day up so that I didn't miss them as much. It was a personal choice not to sit and cry whilst they were gone, as they definitely were not missing me. But now other parents with children my boys age (18-19) are struggling to 'let go' I find myself free of this burden as I have had to TRUST THEIR JUDGEMENT for years now.

I find the parents miss their children more than the children notice this change, so in the same respect fill your life with new goals and daily routines and allow your child (young adult) to fit into your life instead of having your life revolve around them. This allows their independence to grow slowly and ability to think/resolve small issues for them self with your guidance and input. It allows YOU to move into the phase of not being wanted that may be ahead... Notice I said wanted. I still needed my parents at 33 and beyond so you are always needed until the day you die. My boys (although they may not admit it...) still need me and my guidance, but I have created MY LIFE and they know where I am and that they can slip straight in if they need to.

Dont let them make you feel guilty if their is a clash of being available and they have to wait as they are the young adult now and your life with the younger children still has to work for everyone. As much as they may not be understanding now, they will respect you when they are a parent and making the same choices.

Sharon - posted on 11/07/2009

i have found it hard as my daughter is 19 n just had a son and left home at the same time.u need 2 try and keep busy xx

Angie - posted on 11/07/2009

Your situation is very different. I'm not sure how to "let go" when the child is still living at home and going to college. Maybe you need to sit down and have an adult conversation with your daughter about what her expectations are for home life now that she's 18. Remind her that she has younger siblings who look up to her. You still need to have curfews and boundries but you daughter needs to be a part of the rule making now.

Debra-ann - posted on 11/06/2009

It's very hard I had this problem too, but It does get easier.

Corinna - posted on 11/06/2009

Quoting melissa :

how do u let go when your child's 18 i try and dont think i am doing a good job at it????

I have to say that was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  My oldest daughter moved out 6weeks befor her 18th birthday cause I didn't like her boyfriend of 1 year.  I cried for several weeks... but i prayed about it alot and I had to just take thing slow.  I had to get my daughter to understand that what she did and how she left was very hurtful.  She also needed to know that I needed my own time to heal and we have since grown closer and our relationship is getting stronger.  She lives with her boyfriend and his family.. it is hard cause none of us really get along so the only time that we are able to spend time together is if she comes over to my house... it is so hard cause it also puts a strain on her relationship with her siblings.  

Hopefully you have some support... I am s single mom and i have no one to turn to.  Good luck to you and just know with time and patience things will get better.....

Mindy - posted on 11/06/2009

i completly can relate i have a 19 year old to make a long story short he moved with his grandma when he was only 17. but it wasnt far just into the apartment upstairs. from age 18 to just a few months ago, well to say the least it was really rough. i thought letting him go his last year of high school and giving him some growing room would help mature him, but it backfired in my face. It was actually the total oppisote. unfortunatly his grandma spoiled him rotten, well beyond rotten. obsessive almost. and it caused a seriois rift in our family. but now hes 19 and things seem to be getting better. I dont hold his hand anymore and fix all of his problems. i help when i can and try not to butt in to his business. he is getting ready to start a new job and move in with his girlfriend after the first of the year. I will be there when he needs me but i will also let him fly. i taught him right from wrong and to take responsibility for your actions so im hoping he listened just a little bit. but im learning to along the way that this is a whole new phase of parenting. but he will always be my baby boy.lol

LeeAnn - posted on 11/06/2009

First, you will always be MOM. My son is 17 and will turn 18 in Feb. He moved in with his dad 2 yrs ago, & we just started talking again. (long story) He is not in school and has a full time job...... anyways the best thing I have said to my son recently is "we need to develop an adult/adult relationship" instead of a parent/child relationship. I did explain that I will have 2 reactions to things he tells me and that is ok, there is the mom reaction and the adult/adult relationship reaction. I have knowledge/advise that will be useful to him and I am always here to listen. However, he is at a point where there are no more "slaps on the hand" he is at an age where if he does something wrong he can be arrested for it, & mom can not "rescue him" from these choices after they are made. All choices have consequences..... you have to be able to live with them. It is not easy to watch your child make their own choices & live with the consequences - I am learning this now. I love him and I have told him this, my door is always open, I am always ready to listen. He now calls me first to check on something before he does it. I also spoke with him about my life, being 17 when I had him, mistakes I have made, and living with the choices...... I wish you the best, don't let go, give more room.

Amy - posted on 11/06/2009

I'm going through the same thing. My daughter left for college the day of her 18th birthday. Our relationship has changed but its nice. I am a sounding board, a soft place to fall. I give her her freedom and she knows I will be there if she needs. Its been tough on her but she has made the adjustment and so did I. I also got a dog :) taking care of this little guy has kind of filled the empty space in the house. I'm sure you raised a great kid, take a deep breath and watch how she shines.

ShawnDell - posted on 11/06/2009

It's called a leap of faith. You've given your child roots so that they can spread their wings and soar. As a parent you've taught your child right from wrong and now they have to put what theyknow into practice. I've told my 19yo she can comehome whenever she is ready. I can have a bus ticket in her hands within 12 hours and she'll be home a day later. Now is your time. Do somehting taht you've always wanted to do, take up quilting, skydiving, traveling, whatever! They sky's the limit!

Laura - posted on 11/05/2009

Melissa,

I understand what you are feeling. My daughter is 18, will be 19 in January. She told me recently that she wants to enlist in the Army. I'm supportive and fearful at the same time, but don't want to discourage her either since I served as well.

Melissa - posted on 11/05/2009

but she's still at home living here until after she's done with college so that we know she gets better grades and goes places in life i just wanted to know do i still need to be mom or how to let go i dont get it lo

Casandra(cindy) - posted on 11/05/2009

Tami is right. Keep your door open. Be there when they make mistakes. Bite your tongue when you don't like what they are telling you, and give advice when asked. It's time for friendship now, you will now when they need "mommy".

Sandy - posted on 11/05/2009

Melissa, i know your pain. I have a son that just turned 19 and this past year has been very hard on both of us. He is doing great and things are starting to lighten up. Yes you will worry but it will get better with time. they will make "hair brained" actions still and you may have to clean up a few messes but its all in character....You will be fine I just know it! add me on facebook! Lots of love

Cheri - posted on 11/05/2009

I completly understand!

Tami - posted on 11/05/2009

I have 2 going to college next year and am worried about how well they will do on their own too, but then I tell myself I have done a good job raising them and they will be fine. Just tell yourself you did a great job raising your child and they will be fine. Now you can do all those things for yourself you have put off for the last 18 years. You and your spouse can be a young couple again, just like you were before kids. Just remember to tell your young adult that the door is open at home and make sure to come visit or call whenever they wish. You will be fine, and start making plans for yourself, and your spouse. My spouse and I have plans already for a remodel, trips, and late night activites. :)