How do you get rid of a boyfriend that your 16yoa daughter thinks she loves???

Christine - posted on 07/18/2009 ( 56 moms have responded )

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My daughter is a straight "A" student & is the best daughter I could ask for. The only problem is her boyfriend. He is rude right to my face & every rule that my husband & I have place on our daughter he has broken. As an example, We ask that there be no phone calls after 10pm during the school year, he calls at 10:30 every night. He does it on purpose. I have grounded my daughter numerous times for things that he has done cause I don't know what else to do. Everytime I try to talk to her about him she protects him & makes excuses for him. She tells me that she loves him & they will get married in the future. I tell her she is dreaming. Someone please help me. I have to get rid of this guy before he damages my daughters future.

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Jill - posted on 09/13/2013

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Are you kidding? You are a weak parent and you are teaching your daughter its ok to be w s boy like this? who is the parent? take her cell phone at night let him talk to you. I would do something more severe after what i just went through w my 16 yr old daughter. Shes just starting yo become herself again. Learn from my mistake. Punishment should be severe and quick, should fit the crime and natural consequences are always best if possible. I've learned to set boundaries w the consequence attached. If u do this it's your teens decision. Honey I know you really want to go to the game tonight, I know how excited you were. Nevertheless, last Friday night you were 45 minutes late and you didn't call and check in. Don't set a consequence you aren't willing to enforce. Your teen thinks you are a bluffer and then when you do get really mad they are confused and mad. Also positive reinforcement is key. Say 7 positives for every negative. Boys and girls should be discipled differently. They are wired differently. (I'm a nurse I read gender differences when I had my son wow I learned a lot. Oh I also have a psych degree I went back because of my daughter and focused on developmental psych. If you have a pre teen start now.

I just had my daughter's 16 year old boyfriend removed from her school. I'm a single mom, and registered nurse. Her dad withdrew from her life 2.5 yrs ago. 2 years ago she started to "go steady" w Matt. She was 14.5 yrs old going into 9 th grade. As soon as I found out, I sat down and told him both sets of parents my rules: she can't be at his house unless I have talked to his mom, group situations, no bedroom or any rooms w the door shut etc. I went to the movies w them. I sat behind them etc. My oldest brother was murdered in Thailand and I went through a divorce at the same time. I was not focused as much on Sadie and Matt. At 15 I trusted her more and didn't check in as much w Matt's mom. She didn't enforce any rules. In fact my daughter ditched school w her son and went to her house she didn't tell me. At that point I decided to randomly grab her phone and look at everything. PARENTS DO THIS!! Know when you do its your only shot. Every time after all texts will be erased at all times etc. choose this random time wisely, no warning grab the phone from their hand. Its great! take a picture of the look on their face. It will go from surprise to crap I'm caught to thinking of a plan. I think its funny we are paying the phone bill. They are minors. Everything in the house is ours. My daughter had an iPhone 3 she bought from a friend. She said I paid for it. I said yes I'm the parent. This is a corporal punishment state, I've never gone there w you so I will call for a police stand by while I take it. She knew I would. So she gave it to me. Im not her friend I'm her parent. She Has always been my priority she knows I love her. She knows everyone else turned their back on her but me. She can hate me now but I know she will love me later. I know what kind of mom I've been and how close we are before she went to this dark place. I'm going to tough love her through it. A boyfriend that doesn't respect you should not be w you daughter. She is too good for him. Don't learn the same way I did.

Do you want to hear to price I had to pay? By the time I took her phone and randomly searched it,text messages, all social networks, emails. Yes I made her give me passwords. If they resist they are hiding something. Don't buy the invasion of privacy song either. I found out she started smoking weed, found the stash in her room, she had just found out she was pregnant and several people knew. My daughter made varsity cheer as a freshman, she has a 3.89 GPA her boyfriend is a looser. I thought she would have seen that by then. She told me she was keeping the baby. He ended up talking her into an abortion, he said his dad wouldn't let him see her if she kept it, this was true he called me and her dad. The only way they could be together was to have the baby. I made her choose and did not give my opinion. She went through w it. It was the so agonizing emotional pain. In NV she was treated as an adult. My clout as a nurse helped and they let me back to speak to the doctor. He gave her 3 times the normal sedation because she was so emotional. She was screaming. When he released her Matt helped her in the car and I asked if he was coming to take care of her. He said "no I break up." Shut the car door. My daughter was an emotional wreck. She was out of it and didn't hear him. I had to give her Xanax for two days to prevent a panic attack when she woke up. Then I had to tell her that Matt dumped her. I had her sleep w me every night. I didn't work. I was afraid to leave her side. What I did not know was she had talked to Matt, he told her he broke up because of me. My rules were too strict and he never got to see her. He twisted things so in her state of mind she started to hate me and let him off the hook. At the same time he told everyone what happened. I wasn't aware but she was cyber bullied. Friends took Matt's side calling her a "baby killer". I left my daughter alone for 20 min to pick my 2.5 yr old son up. I received a call from Matt telling me my daughter had committed suicide, she left him a letter in his Facebook mail. He checks it once a week. It was meant for him to find later. He had already started sleeping w other girls that was all my daughter could take. My daughter had never kissed a boy before him. She wouldn't look at another boy twice. I've never seen anyone so faithful and dedicated. When I came home she was locked in her room and had taken lots of pills. I watched her flatline as the parametric revive her. It was horrible. Long story short I basically kept her away from everyone until cheer Tryouts. I let her go back to school at that time. (Credited homeschool and therapy-school worked w me). I made her tryout because I knew she would need an activity to keep her busy after school. She stayed away from him we were doing great for several months. I told her he would come back as she was getting over him and she needed to stay strong. Well she didn't stay strong. This summer while I worked he contacted her and she started to see him and have sex w him again. I asked her to do yard work and she had him and a friend come over like it was no big deal. I had to walk out of my house before I grabbed my shot gun. I contacted his dad and told him. I said the therapist and doctor said my daughter can't see him her life depends on it. If they have a bad fight it will most likely trigger another attempt. His dad didn't care. I told both of them they can't see each other. I explained why. OMG they live in a Disney movie. In a love song. True love meant to be. Mom, I've forgiven him why can't you? Oh well lets see, first of all he had no respect for you, the first time you touched drugs, ethol, smoking you were with him. He taught you these were coping mechanisms. Your light in your eyes is gone, you have no self esteem or girlfriends because you weren't allowed. Now you dress in black wear black eyeliner, talk to me like u hate my guts and that was before he knocked u up forced u into an abortion, dumped you, cuber bullied you, you took your life. Oh the 40,000 I spent years saving to buy a house it's gone. I used that to pay everything. I have no idea why it's not ok w me? After I broke them up he has the spine to come to my home midnight waking my neighborhood up. Pounding on my door yelling that I beat my daughter. I called the police they ticked him for trespassing told him they would arrest him if he ever returned. That was 8/16/13. The first week of school I went to watch my daughter perform in a pep rally (I help coach varsity cheer) and Matt walked by. His mom moved hrs not zoned for my daughters school and his twin brother is attending the school his mom is zoned for. She has primary. I asked what he was doing. He said " this is my fucking school now, I started today. I even chose my elective and same lunch w your daughter and there is nothing u can fucking do about it. We are going to be together wether u like it or not. I said Matt let me educate you. Do you know that the strongest drive in nature is a females drive to protect her young, there are hormones secreted women cant help how they respond. The stronger the bond... do you know that that is ten times stronger than the next strongest drive in nature? the second strongest drive is the males sexual drive. Im not so sure I'd put my money on what you just said. He was withdrawn by Wednesday. It took a ton of work. That is the reason you don't take crap from your daughters boyfriend. Chances are he's just like Matt and you don't know it. I'm positive your daughter lives in Disney princess movies or Taylor swift songs. Whatever her thing is. I blame myself for not doing that sooner. There is a big reason why (2 tragic deaths in my family and her could comfort her in a way I couldn't). I didnt see it. Dont make my mistake. He was very respectful and nice for the first 14 months. He even called behind her back and told on her for stuff. He tutored her. He was in AP classes etc. a wolf in sheeps clothes. Because of the ordeal he won't talk to my daughter. Oh I took my daughters smart phone when she became pregnant. She has a flip phone. I control what numbers go in and out. She knows she can have all the freedom in the world if she does ABC... We see a therapist. I was ready to give my daughter to social services or something. No one will take her. Her dad wants nothing to do w her, my sister took her right after she was released from the hospital during spring break while I had a mental break down. I don't have another chance in me. Having a male in the home makes all the difference in the world. She would never try this if I was w my ex. Matt would not have the spine to knock on my door at midnight. My ex would have unlocked the door, gone back toward our bedroom and let him walk in, he would have shot Matt on the spot. It would have been legal. Anyone outside would have described Matt in a rage. My ex would have said there was an intruder I was afraid for my life. If you have a boy know there are dads out there like that. Yes he's a dad.

Ness - posted on 07/12/2012

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Hi I'm not a mom,I'm a teenager myself. I read all the mothers comments, that I find all good advice. I want to tell u the point of view of your teenage daughter from a teen not a adult. First, the more you talk to your daughter about her boyfriend she will see it as you are attacking her. I do believe the boyfriend should not be rude that is very unexceptable! About the phone calls at night she's a teen of course she is going to have them, I'll admit Ill have them myself with my boyfriend; going on for almost 3 years. Instead of telling her she just "can't talk to him" sit her down and tell her the reasons why she cant. I'm sorry to those parents that say its their rules and they don't need to explain, I am not trying to be rude myself but as a teen we "HATE" being told what to do because we see that we are old enough to make a few decisions ourselfs. So my best opinion in this is sit her down tell her why you do not want her talking at that hour so she feels less controlled but also let her give her opinions and talk them out because it makes us teens feel older. If this doesn't help she is completely rebelling and she will have to learn things on herself, only because anything you say she will do the opposite. Good luck and best of wishes!

Rachel - posted on 11/01/2012

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Punishing her for things he does is wrong. She can't help it if he calls when he's not supposed to. Maybe she's telling him not to call and he still does. That's on him, not her.

As for finding a way to keep them apart. I don't think there's anything you can do to keep her from him. She'll find a way to be with him. It would be better to have it in the open so you can at least keep an eye on the relationship.

If he's this much of a jerk, she will eventually see it and get sick of it herself.

Let her make her own decisions. If she lets this boy ruin her, that's on her. You can only hope for the best.

Suzi - posted on 05/06/2013

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Reviving this because of the issues in it. Get ready, I feel a sermon coming on:

The girl is "dreaming", in the sense that she needs to be less romantic and idealistic. But you (the mother) seem to resent the fact another person is exerting an influence on your daughter.
The fact is: if your fantasy vision of your daughter's future is "damaged" - she's the one doing the "damage", and it is her right to do so as an individual. (The boyfriend is a mere bit-part player in the drama between you two).
About their relationship: teen relationships never last and never end well, but neither do most adult relationships. I can imagine that syndrome where, when anything goes wrong between her and him, she starts trying to shift the responsibility by saying "mum, why didn't you do something about it?" - but the fact is it's Absolutely Not Your Job to break them up, and even if she does say that she will know full well that she has to take responsible for her own mistakes.

[deleted account]

Have dealt with a lot of jerk boys trying to date my daughter. The quickest way to break them up? Act like it's no big deal that they are dating but make it difficult for them to see each other. Plan activities for her out the wazoo. Volunteer her and tell her it is important for college entrance/scholarships (it is). Get her involved in some type of group with activities. We chose a church youth group. If she isn't yet driving, then always be too busy to run her anywhere. If he wants to come over, say "Oh, honey, I already had plans to X, Y and Z." Either the boy will lose interest or she will. Works like a charm almost every single time.

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Johnny - posted on 03/04/2014

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You have a couple of options here. Is this guy that is dating your daughter or possiblly banging your daughter an adult? Have him locked up for rape. If he's not an adult, have a couple of friend's beat the shit out of his ass. Or, maybe him bang YOU, mom. Maybe your daughter will get the hint that your bf is a cheater and move on with her life. Or she may want to have a 3-way with her mom.

Jade - posted on 01/04/2014

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you can't because if you try she will resent you and sneak around and then if you keep trying to prevent it she will give him her v card-em trust me don't do it just leave it as it is and give her a curfew of 9:30 trust me it will work out for you in the end

Christine - posted on 12/17/2013

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I feel your frustration. My 16 year old daughter thinks she is in love with a man on line. He is 22. She won't give this relationship up for anything. We have tried strict discipline, taking away privileges, counseling, police reports, etc. My trouble is he is out of state and our local authorities can't reach him. This has been very hard on all the family because there is constant tension between us and her. What else can a mom do?

Mother Of - posted on 12/17/2013

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I must say I don't understand what you're saying. She CAN help by either not answering, or turning her phone off at night. If she's not supposed to receive calls, then it's on her to make sure that doesn't happen. So she's not getting punished for what the boy is doing, she's getting punished for not listening and taking the calls. OR getting punished for calling him. Either way, it's still her responsibility to do as her mother asked.

Kbar - posted on 10/13/2013

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You guys are really lucky. Here's my drama. My 14 year old started dating a 17 year old. It then was 15 and 18. IF they followed the rules, it was ok. They didn't. They started having sex (statutory rape where I live) - and UNPROTECTED sex. Neither of them cared that this was a 'big deal' - 'we're not hurting anyone'. We went to the police for options, the police did nothing. 'They're in love' and we have to have proof. Get proof and it's now child pornography. Can't win there. Took the phone away, all social messaging. She went through friends and his brother at school to communicate and sneak out during lunch to have sex. We had enough, talked to his parents. His father said he was suicidal and this would take him over the edge. So no help there. OMG! Now we really need to keep them apart. A year has passed and she still finds ways to see him or talk to him. He purchased a cell phone for her and secretly passes it to friends after school so we 'don't know about it'. He's threatened my husband physically and wrote every swear word in the book about me and him. She's done with us and will move in with him when she's 18 she states emphatically. We're growing more gray hair and can't take much more of this. Do we put her in a convent? 1). They both lie and do not respect us 2). She does not respect herself
Lost Parents

Melody - posted on 10/04/2013

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I can't believe after reading your whole story you have the nerve to call them weak. Wow..

Rob - posted on 09/12/2013

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What I think is a good plan is this.
When the young man comes over, greet him with a huge smile.
Put your arm around him and show him the property.
As you walk away from others gently whisper in his ear,
I have a gun, I have a shovel and I believe she is worth the time.
My wife disagrees but what else can I do.

Oma - posted on 08/15/2013

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Wow! My question is why are all the STRAIGHT "A" STUDENTS selecting rowdy boys? I'll tell you why...because everything else in their lives are boring with rules, the pressure of making an A to make the parents happy, etc. So why would they pick other straight A boys to hang out with? Because there's NO CHALLENGE for them. You see, they have been drummed with challenges with grades and homework, which behaviors come along with that. So the flip side is there has to be some release some where; and the release is with somebody totally opposite of your child.

Sandra - posted on 05/04/2013

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Original post was dated 2009. Hopefully by now there has been some degree of resolution. But seriously???

If the worst thing this woman has to worry about is the boy calling at 10:30pm ... She count should count herself extremely blessed!!

Denise - posted on 03/03/2013

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My daughter is 16 and her boyfriend is 19. In the boyfriends last year of high school they secretly dated. This boyfriend is our sons friend as well. THey boyfriend thinks it is ok to go camping and have sleep overs at his uncles house and our son consistently asks permission for her boyfriend which is her boyfriend to sleep over 40 minutes away because wants to indulge in alcohol. My husband and I say no and that we will drive him home. THe boyfriend thinks that every single minute of hers should be involving him and all about him. He stalks he at work and comments to the local coffee shop that he is a patron. When they don't see each other for a day he picks her up for breakfast at 645 and then she walks to school from his work place. We find it very domineering and controlling. Friday he was working half a day and took the morning off the take her to a school competition and our daughter told us after that fact that we would have to come because it was all arranged. I drove he came as passenger. We went shopping after for new ski pants boots and skis. He littery cut her down saying she would never be a good skiier and he would out run her boarding any given day. Last night he made derogitory comments pertaining to her driving skill as a beginner.She is an A student and last semester her teachers said her. He most often parks in the middle of the driveway or in someone elses spot mostly my husband. We have asked him if he could move so we wont have to later start our cold vehicle. he says leave the keys at the door he doesnt mind moving them before he leaves. AHHH help!

Maureen - posted on 10/31/2012

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I would focus on your relationship with your daughter. Be on her side in doing what is best for her because you love hwe. Let her know you love her and want the best for her, if you argue with her over the bf she will create more distance from you and put less distance between bf and herself. Don't make yourself the enemy as it will just push her straight into her arms. She is young and I bet it won't last, just ride the wave! Good luck!

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she has to find out on her own what kind of person he is. when he calls at 10:30, have you answered the phone and told him that he can't speak to your daughter at that hour? you could also block that number. call his parents and explain to them what you are experiencing while he is in your home. if he is disrespectful to you, chances are his parents have trouble with him also. unfortunately, if you ground her in an effort to prevent her form seeing him, she will rebel and see him anyhow. you don't want to push her away. try to deal with the situation at hand and eventually she will see that he is not the guy for her. they have to learn these things in their own time. it's hard to see our kids get hurt, but that's how they grow as people.

Nancy - posted on 08/18/2009

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Wow. What a lucky mom I am. My daughter has a super sweet boyfriend. I know you have received a lot of advice so... here is more. You have rules in place for a reason. The phone, being rude to you etc. She isnt breaking the rules but he is. Just explain that if he is "part of your family" then he has to follow the same. If not he will need some time away until he can follow the rules. She and the other members of the family follow them then why cant he?--Dont faint on the "part of the family thing" but that is the way you have to look at it. When he is around be a gracious and delightful host. It is very hard not to talk negatively about him but really try not to do that. It just makes it seem as if you dont want her to have any boyfriend and that you are picking on him. And she will defend him. For him it is a game. Parents dont like me so why not mess with them. Best of Luck

Pam - posted on 08/17/2009

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Keep an eye on your daughter so she is safe and out of trouble but dont push too much. The more you push him away the more you will push her away as well. She will eventually find out he is not right....it has to be in her own time though. Talk to her about why these things are unacceptable in your home but dont punish her for his mistakes. Be patient and keep communication open with her!!

Christine - posted on 08/15/2009

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She realized that we are fair parents & have always excepted her friends no matter what. She also realized that we liked this guy in the beginning so she stated thinking about how we got to a point of us hating him so much & I guess realized how he treated us & her. Thank God I have a smart child.

Carol - posted on 08/15/2009

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I say WAHOOOOOOOO!!!! Glad it worked out for you but I have to ask, what happened? I mean what made her make that decision??? Please let me know.

Christine - posted on 08/10/2009

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She broke up with him!!!!!!! Can we all say Yippppeeeee!!!!!!! Thank you all for your advise. Let me know if you need any help any time!!!

Maria - posted on 08/06/2009

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Christine, I understand your predicament. I was in the same boat as you, except the rude individual was the girlfriend. She wasn't a good influence on my son, to say the least. My husband laid the law down, and my son didn't take that too kindly. When things calmed down, I finally had a chance to talk to him alone, with no fuss, just let him know how I see the relationship from an outsider's point of view. All that I asked of him is to keep an open mind. I made him think if he really wants to be tied down early, much less spend the rest of his life with a demanding significant other? If you do, make darn sure, because you might not get another chance at realizing your dreams with this other person. Before the year ended, my son came back to me and told me they've broken up, because she's started to demand more of his time and keeping him away from his own circle of friends. Of course, it might be different with your daughter, but you know her well enough to see that telling her what to do will only give her ammunition to rebel. She's a teenager, and like any teens, they rebel with or without a plausible cause! You may have get her to think it's in her best interest to get rid of the guy, but it'll have be her decision.

Pat - posted on 08/06/2009

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We had the same problem with our daughter. He was 21 and she was 16. We flipped when we found out his age. My husband sat down and asked him what do you want with a 16 year old girl, what is wrong with you that you can't date someone your own age? He was not aloud to see her during the school week. Only weekends here. No hugging or physical contact whatsever. It eventually ended on its own. Take the phone away at 10 or block his calls. Don't let him come over unless you and your husband are there. Put as many road blocks as you can, she will cry and be sad but he will move on because boys dont have patients with strict parents.....

Carol - posted on 08/06/2009

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I say remember one thing, you shouldn't pick your childrens friends or in this case boyfriends. She is a teenager and the natural thing is to rebel against anything that mom and dad say no matter how good of a girl she is especially when it comes to the guy "she loves". You don't have to like him, but she doesn't need to know that. befriend him and try your hardest to be patient and bend the rules in his favor. If my parents had pushed me toward a guy I liked, I would have thought twice and probably backed away. Don't go overboard with it but invite him over for dinner, family gatherings etc. she has whatever you've taught her in her heart and brain, so she WILL figure out what it is best. In the meantime of all this, make sure the doors of communication is WIDE open to whichever parent she has the easiest time talking to. That way she will confide some, probably not all, but you will have a much better idea of what is really happening. Let me know what you decide to do and how it works, I care and am concerned.

[deleted account]

If she is in bed at 10pm on a school night how is it she is answering the phone? I would unplug the phone from the power socket so the chordless doesnt work and use a non chordless for myself next to my bed for any calls - I have had kids ringing very late and said - no you can't speak to whoever they are in bed, as for the rest you will push her into his arms the more you push him away, you will isolate your daughter from even talking to you and her whole world will be him, you will make her choose between him and her family and she will choose him. She is already choosing him now by breaking the rules etc. Make the groundings harsher for rule breaking

Angie - posted on 08/04/2009

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I had the same problem the more bad things you say about him the more you push her into his arms. As for the late night phone calls my husband and I started unplugging the phone at 10 which was our curfew too. Our family and friends were informed if an emergency occurs call our cell phones. The boyfriend is a gonna now thank the good lord for answering my prays it was such a long process 3 years what a nightmare i feel for you. The moment you start to say good things about him and start to like him she will pull away from him because she is at that age of rebellion reverse psychology works every time. Good luck i feel your pain

Michelle - posted on 08/04/2009

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I agree dont punish ur daughter for what he does when he rings ust tell him she cant talk n to ring back at a more respectable hour n yes start liking him because when ur mum n dad like ur boyfreinds its time to dump them when he breaks ur rules ask him to leave nicely and that he may come bac the next day if he agrees to ur rules but other wise tell ur daughter u like him n he is nice and be nice to him too it mite take a lot to do but it works once ur dauther thinks u like him he will b gone

Marti - posted on 08/02/2009

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You can't get rid of him, she has to learn. Unplug the phone or of he calls her cell take that at 10 every night.

Kendra - posted on 07/31/2009

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wow!! sounds like my story, my daughter is 16 and a stright A student we've had the same phone problem, and his rudness also.she was with him for two years . we would hear her crying on the phone all the time with him, and it would piss me off that she was that unhappy but still with him.we could not stand him but didn't want her to know , because if she knew we didn't like him she would then start to stick up for him and keep stuff from us . so it took us "my husband and I" to get rid of him" and it worked and she never did blame us. she never realized it was us that made that happen ,I became real open with her about her relationship with him . i didn't judge at all. then I talked real open with her about mine when I was a kid . she started telling me anything and everything and we laughted about it all, she told me who " friends at school" was having sex and who hasn't yet . we talked all the time , it took about 2 monthes .I had grabbed that phone out off her hand many times during this and told him you dont call here and make my daughter cry!!. and when he hung up we would talk , about love is suppose to make you happy. and he's bringing you down.I would then start pointing out his rudness to her telling her" wow he's never gonna be a good man like your dad".or I would say" I cant ever see jake or aaron doing anything like that " "desent boys"she started seeing that and picking up on that herself and she started lisening to me as if I was her friend.he told her once he couldn't meet her at the mall after she got all ready and was about to leave , he said he didn't want to waste his gas money, and he hadn't seen her in 6 days. her dad told her that most boys would dig under the couch cusions to find money to go see there girlfriends and how he laid on my couch watching tv while I and my daughter carried in grocerys. I just started pointing that stuff out to her and one night I heard her telling him off!!! and it was all the stuff I had pointed out to her.OH I also had a few talks with his mother about his phones calls at all hours of the night. I think after my daughter told him about all his bad manners at our house he was embarrassed to show his face in my house anymore. she is now 17 and with a wonder ful boy he's respectful and has manners and thats on a count of his good parents , their concerned about raising a good kid . good luck try the friend thing for awhile whatever you do dont tell her you dont like him, it will all backfire on you

[deleted account]

just say no and stick to it...its hard but in the long run it is the best decision you will ever make for her stick to your guns it will be tough but let her know its no end of story....my daughter thanks me today, she said it was hard but better things will come out of it...be strong for her someone has to

Martha - posted on 07/28/2009

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Christine, I just joined the Moms Circle and your posting caught my eye. I have a 15 yr old daughter and we went through the same thing this last year. Like your daughter, my daughter is a straight A student, very independent, has great respect for herself and yet, was dating a guy that I knew was not for her. She too said she was in love. My husband and I both worked out of the house and when school was done at 2:15, I would worry until I got home at 6pm about what was going on. i realized you have to trust that the things you have taught your daughter, she will remember. When I was a teenage daughter, my mother hated my boyfriends, so I would keep dating them just to bother her. Please dont ground her for his disrespect to your rules, however, you can take her cell phone away at 10pm and remind her that these rules were set for a reason. We finally got rid of the boy when I noticed red flags of him being controlling and possesive. We sat her down and pointed out the action we noticed and said that we simply can not allow her to see him any longer. We then found out that she felt the same way but didnt know how to break up with him. She thought she loved him, but realized she didnt. Just talk to your daughter, spend time with her when you can. She will make the right choices.

Ebony - posted on 07/27/2009

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First things first; Please, by all means, don't talk against him. That only makes her "love him" more. Instead, tell her that she should have more respect for herself than to allow him to disrespect house rules. This makes it about her and not about you, the parents. Place her in the position where she has to face the fact that maybe his rebellion is about him not respecting her. In time she'll begin to see things your way. With a few encouraging from you telling her how special she is and how she deserves to be treated with respect.

Rebecca - posted on 07/26/2009

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Unfortunately you can't control who you love, and you especially can't control who you daughter loves. All you can do is love her and support her even if she makes the ultimate wrong decision. Sometime you can only go so far in protecting your loved ones but if they do make a bad decision and come back for love and support you need to be there to set the example. But in the mean time, your house, your rules. First off make sure he knows the rules and that you've explained them thoroughly face to face. Second if he breaks a rule, remind him of what the rules are again and then explain the consequences of his actions. Then if he breaks the rule again, enforce the consequence! This is extremely important because if he sees that there is no follow through then it's like the rules never existed. If he breaks the rule again, like with the phone calls, unplug the phone(s) from 10 to 11 o'clock. He thinks he's bothering you and that it's all a game to him because you haven't enforced the consequences. Once he realizes it doesn't bother you he will move on to something else (which may or may not be a good thing). By all means don't ground your daughter, this will just push her towards him and getting married. Do more stuff with her, be in her life. She maybe looking for something she's not getting at home. Family closeness is the best cure for bad boyfriends. It'll make her think what love is truly about and what it should be like, she'll see the light and won't be him.

Tisha - posted on 07/26/2009

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Hi Christine,

Wow! That's so tough. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I will pray for you tonight. Your daughter sounds like a very bright and wonderful girl! Frankly, there is no one good enough for your daughter, not at 16. You know as well as I do that the goal in "dating" is to find a mate. I can bet at 16 your daughter is not ready to settle down with one person for the rest of her life; Oh, she "thinks" she is, but we both know she's not. Remember, we knew everything at16 too?

The goal here is to get beyond these subtle irritants (his late calls, the fact she likes him, etc,) and get to the bottom of why she thinks she has to fill her God sized holes with this person. As you know, women are extremely emotional creatures, lol. What emotional need(s) in your daughter is this person meeting? acceptance, emotional fulfillment, admiration, value? Once you figure that out, you and your husband can meet those needs in her yourselves, then hopefully (God willing,) she will find herself "needing" him less and less because her emotional needs will have been met by you.

Lastly, if you cannot beat em, join em. Keep him very close, know his ways, moves, likes, dislikes. You and I were teenage girls once, remember how it was when our parents resisted our desire to have that certain guy in our lives? it made us want to be with him even more! Ease up a little and pray for God to open your heart to the possibility of loving on this young boy in some way, you never know what his story might be.

LaKesha - posted on 07/25/2009

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My daughters boyfriend does some of the same things but tryin to keep them away from each other will only make her want to be with him more. I learned that the more u fight with them about these boys the closer they will get.U may not want to hear this but let her find out the hard way that he will not be there forever. Eventually they will grow apart

Sandra - posted on 07/25/2009

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First maybe punishing her isn't a good idea. I get where you are coming from but I am sure he finds this amusing and is probably using it against you to get better in her graces. I would not forbid her to see him. This could just send her straight into his arms. Maybe try encouraging him to visit at your house at least you can see some of what is going on. Try ignoring him when he is rude and don't mention it to her about his attitude is. Chances are she goes back to him in detail. Again if he knows he is pushing your buttons he is going to keep doing it. Try being his "friend" instead. Sometimes "killing them" with kindness is the better result. He may just get bored and move on. Being his friend won't be easy but just might work to your favor in the end.

Tabitha - posted on 07/24/2009

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Well you are the parent, you can block his number and you can stop him from seeing your daughter. Sounds to me like he is a control freak and I'm a tad bit worried about that. Is he abusive to your daughter?

Bonnie - posted on 07/24/2009

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i think an effective way to discourage the late calls is to take her cell phone at ten p.m. and turn it off. also unplug/turn off home phones at ten. talk with your teen calmly. do not try to break them up... it causes a reversal in what you're trying to accomplish! point out to your daughter the attitude of the boy while relating them to the things she will want in a good husband. (timeliness, respect, love, stability, maturity, etc.) let her make the judgement that he isn't fitting the frame. don't make it for her. usually, if your child is close to you, she will listen and make the right choice. if you are not close knit you will have a harder time. all parents with teens have similar issues. be open and caring with her. share your love and experience and stay calm.

Lanette - posted on 07/23/2009

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Long story short...sounds like my story is almost the same. Or possibly, it could be the exact same boy! Our end result...I'm a grandmother at age 40! Now, he wants to get daddy rights, and does, but he has paid a big fat nothing for everything. Our precious little one is almost 10 months old! You need to find a way to make her connect with teenage girls who have had babies by assholes like this. Parents cannot make them think differently...but peers certainly can. My daughter will now stand proudly and talk with any teen about the pain and agony she put her family through for an idiot!

Cherieamour - posted on 07/23/2009

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act like you like him...your daughter will probably dump him as soon as you start liking her boyfriends!!

Jackie - posted on 07/23/2009

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the more you push away, the more she will cling to that guy. been there, done that. Just try to be there for her as best you can and slowly hopefully things will change.



As far as the rule breaking, shut the ringer off or just say she can't talk after 10 and hang up. Other rules, take cell phones, computer and other things away that she loves. She'll find she loves her things more than that guy.

Gayle - posted on 07/22/2009

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Honestly, if your daughter is "the best daughter you could ask for" give her some room, and trust that she is going to do the right thing. If you raised your daughter the way you feel is right, she won't do anything to comprise that trust. Bend a little bit - maybe he can call at 10:30, maybe comprise and ask that it be a 10 min call. That way, you both get what you each want. If there is not comprise or meeting of the minds, then of course you need to put your foot down. I just think that I would be more happy knowing that my daughter is a good daughter, getting straight A's, then I would be about what time her boyfriend calls. You did not mention how old your daughter is, but most teenage romances don't last. Don't hurt the relationship with your daughter over some temporary guy.

Angel - posted on 07/22/2009

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You can't get rid of him. Even if you tell her not to see him anymore, she could still do so. Instead, sit them both down and talk to him. Let him know so long as he follows your house rules, he's welcome to come and visit her. If he becomes rude, tell him it's time to go home and that he can't come back over for x amount of days. Tell him to remember to call her before 10, because you will be taking her phone at 10 o'clock sharp from now on. Let your daughter know that the priviledges she has are just that and if she can't be responsible enough to refuse bad influences on anyone..including her b/fr..she will lose those priviledges. After you talk to the both of them, invite him for dinner. Sometimes treating them like an adult or almost adult sometimes will get a more positive response. Trying to seperate them will only make her want to stay w/ them that much more...even if she's ready to break up with him.

[deleted account]

You probably won't get rid of this kid unless your daughter is ready to dump him but that doesn't mean you have to make it easier for them!

Next time he calls at 10:30 have your husband answer the phone and tie him up in a nice long embarrasing conversation.

Invite his parents over to your house for dinner asking them to bring him and bring up the subject of his behavior in regards to your house rules or should I say common courtesy wishes.



Rudeness to your face is inexcusable, next time he does or even attempts it kick his sorry little butt out the door and provide him with ample time to rethink his actions by not allowing him to see your daughter.

And sit down with your daughter for a long talk... ask her why she thinks a relationship with this guy is desirable, tell her that she deserves better and that this is not how someone acts that is in love with another person... if he loved her he wouldn't behave in this manner. Also let her know that it's not acceptable for him to act in this manner, that you will not tolerate his behavior any longer, that he will not be welcome around your house or her any more should he insist on keeping up his silly little game. Set boundaries for her own sake!

Shea - posted on 07/21/2009

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Give up! I am living proof that your daughter will marry this guy, if you don't stay out of it.I'm 38 and living with the boyfriend ( now married for 17 years in May} Been with him for 23 years.Since I was sixteen.My father was a police officer and nothing my parents said or did to me made a difference.They preached about money troubles and how hard life would be if I married a loser.Guess what , they were right! I've stuck it out all these years, faithfuly too.Now I can not stand to be in the same room with this man.Maybe if you could somehow find her a nice guy from church or school, it may change her feelings for the other.I have a 15 year old and a 12 yr old, they are great kids.Still play with toys {action figures} and are just now starting to show signs of being unruly.Keep her busy in sports or activities so she wont have the time to worry about being in love.Hope all works out for you, todays kids are growingup in very extreme world we live in.We live in the country, so nobody goes or comes without mama taking them.Good luck with your girl!

Suzie - posted on 07/21/2009

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I really feel for you I to am in a simmalur situation with my 15 year old and its very hard everyone has addvice but no one has to live with the outcome ...Its so hard to watch someone you love so much.He also sounds that he could also be controling which can lead to him becomming abbusive...I ve done the same things and she freaks out on me tell me she hates me and she will see him no matter what I say ....When ever I've let her out after grounding her she some how she ends up with him unfortionatly we can't lock our kids in there rooms untill they are 20 we have to some how guid them to make better choices sometimes if you allow them to date soon your daughter will get board and end it herself..

Laura - posted on 07/20/2009

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ah... well when i was a teenager ... when my mom started acting like she liked the guy i was with (not as in sexually - but as a person) i would dump the guy - simply because i was rebelling against mom!!!! years later she told me that there was a method to her madness.. and simply put.. it worked.

Mona - posted on 07/20/2009

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Long before my oldest had his first girlfriend, I talked to him about relationships. I told him they will come and go before he meets "the one". His dad and I didn't even know each other in high school.
When my son told me he was in love. I told him I was happy for him. Love is the best feeling. I told him to enjoy while it lasts and have a good time. I was not condescending. I think he was happy when I responded with love and more willing to talk to me about the relationship.
Natually, it ended. I told him not to turn into a freak calling / stalking her. I encouraged him to spend time with friends so his mind wouldn't wonder.
With girl #2 they broke up and got back together way too much. I told him it should be fun at this age. This was not good for either one of them. Again, I didn't talk down to him. They eventually broke up for good.
Grounding will not help. You need to show her you remember what that first love is like. Don't yell at, talk to her. If you remain calm, understanding and show her that you are willing to compromise...well how can she argue with someone who won't argue with her?
My son was also a stright A student so I gave him room. I told him late night calls were ok but if he started being disrespectful or grades started going downhill the phone would be mine. He graduated valedictorian.
I hope all goes well for you too.
http://moremilestones.blogspot.com

Kim - posted on 07/19/2009

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Stop fighting about the boy. Just remind him politely when he breaks the rules and don't let him talk to your daughter. If he calls on her private line remind her that the rules are there for a reason and she will loose her line if she takes calls after hours. Don't fight and argue. It is a matter of rules and you are the parent. If her friends are rude to you then she won't be allowed to see them except during school hours. She will get the picture that she is responsible for her friends and their behavior at her house. Hold her to that.

Jenni - posted on 07/19/2009

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You'll never get rid of this guy, but you may lose your daughter. If she is in love with him then he will always be in the right through her eyes. When I was young and in love my family hated my boyfriend. The more they tried to dissuade me the more I rebeled, until I took off with him, moved as far away from my family and had his children. He was a bad apple, but loves blind and it took me a long time to realise that, but I had to discover this for myself, just like your daughter will. If my family hadn't interfered so much I think we wouldn't have lasted so long. Try to grin and bear it. Make it clear to your daughter you are not happy with the situation but as long as she is happy then you will be there for her. Talk and try to compromise and if/when it all falls apart it will be you she turns to, and when she does do not say I Told You So! Good Luck x

Shelly - posted on 07/19/2009

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Christine,

Shame on you for punishing your daughter for his transgrestions...When he calls at 10:30 you tell him that she will not be coming to the phone and invite him not to call your house again until you say that it is ok...And then put restictions on when and were they can see each other...Don't tell her she can't see him but just don't make it easy...And please do not punish her for his mess ups that she has no control over...And if he wants to continue to break your rules thank him to stay away from your daughter and then let your daughter know that she's not to see him under any circumstances and if you catch her with him then you ground her for ever...He will get tired of the game and move on...The other thing is have you talk to his parents??? try communicating with them and let them know what is going on you never know you might just find that you have some back up there!!!

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