How do you handle suspecting & finding out that your 17 yr old girl is having sex? Do you tell Dad?

Heidi - posted on 06/07/2012

this is really a personal question because only you know your husband and how he will react. My daugher went through a really distressing experience when she was in her early teens and I chose to tell him, because I wanted him to comfort and help her through it. What I didn't expect was his anger towards the person who caused her distress over-riding what she needed. He didn't want to talk about it and just insulated that feeling of 'i didn't protect my daughter, let me at the guy who did this to her' which wasn't the reaction I or my daughter was hoping for. Sometimes I think I should have just handled the situation myself with my daughter because while she's moved on, and I'm doing ok, he's the one who still relives it all the time.
That's why I caution telling the your hubby unless you feel he can add to the situation in a postiive way. You can look to how he responds to stressful situations and anything he's said before that would give you the impression that he'd lose it with her or kick her out. If they are really close, will this bring them closer or tear them apart? Just think about it carefully.

Best of luck!

Julie - posted on 04/19/2009

I guess this really depends on your family dynamics. There are some dad's out there who would totally flip out. When I was growing up I know my dad would not have handled this and the boy would have been in serious danger. Of course sex wasn't a topic of discussion in my home at that time either. But I know I had a daughter of a friend of mine come to me after her first encounter she trusted me as someone she could get advice from, but was fearful of her dad finding out. I gave her the "motherly" advice she was searching for and promised not to tell her parents. Because I knew there may be another time she needed to come to me for something else. If this is something your husband can deal with then tell him. But this is "daddy's little girl" we are talking about. You know the situation better than we do. Do risk damaging your daughter and husbands relationship over this.

Lori - posted on 02/27/2009

I would tell you to tell your husband, because I too found out about my 18 yr. old She was the one to tell me, but did not want her daddy to know, so I did not tell him. Well things got out of control and he found out. This really hurt him very much. I learned that I should always keep him involved in helping me with his children. Please don't make the same mistake I did.

Amber - posted on 02/27/2009

Ok first thing first, BREATHE and BREATHE some more!

Do you want to tell Dad?  Here is something that has worked for me in my Family when my daughter was letting us know that she needed attention. It went something like this: "Can we set up a time to talk without any interruptions?" Next is time for the conversation. "I have some information I would like to share with you." "What I would like you to do is sit back and listen, that's it just listen, don't fix anything, just listen." "After I tell you this information and you have listened I would like you to tell me how you feel about it and what your thoughts are?"  Then you tell him in your words whatever you want to tell him.  If he interrupts you while you are telling him then you get to calmly say ok I hear what you are saying remember we agreed that right now you are going to just listen.  Then you get to continue.  When your done ask him thoughts and how he feels about it, while you just sit back and listen.  After all that if you choose to as parents you speak to your daughter in the same way.

Kathleen - posted on 02/26/2009

I feel I myself willbe coming up on these problems myself. I always have to ask  my self what would Jesus do? He would love them, forgive them and direct them to better road. I would always be honest with my husband unless there is a chance of  harm to someone and then I believe it's just cause to take another route. My husband  over reacts because he knows how he was at that age and thats scary. There is a reason men act the way they do about sex and should not be ignored. Coming from a family that my father was not envolved with me caused me to acted out more for male attention. I think that it is vital in a daughter relationship  to be strong with there dads. I would some how work on that relationship where the daughter can be more comfortable with talking with dad.  Best of luck. God Bless

Cherie - posted on 02/26/2009

I am kinda going through the same thing with my 13 year old.  she has not had sex, but has been messing around with a 10th grade boy and "sexting" .  My husband/her dad has been a wonderful source of wisdom & strength for me through this

Sharon - posted on 02/26/2009

I probably should add, when you talk to her about this, I would try to stay completely in control and be very matter-of-fact about the information you are conveying.  You don't want it to become a battle or have her freeze you out because you are upset. It would probably be to your benefit and help keep the doors of communication open if you do it without a lot of drama.

It could be as simple as, "Here's what I know about the fact that you are having sex with ____; you have an appointment with Dr. XYZ next Tuesday afternoon to discuss how to take your birth control pills safely. If you have any concerns I am always here to listen.  I love you", etc. If you are disappointed she is sexually active you can certainly say this. The ultimate goal is for her to be able to come to you if she feels she gets into a situation she can't handle down the road--i.e. a relationship where she is being abused, feels coerced, etc. Since dad is more of a "buddy" parent and unlikely to hear anything about her private life, your role is even more important.

Sharon - posted on 02/26/2009

Hi Allison,

If you are worried about dad's reaction and think he might lose it if he heard, then consider some other options. If she were 15 or 16 I would say, yes, dad probably needs to know. At 17 your daughter is nearly an adult. She's already having sex, and that's not going to change just because her parents disapprove or are angry about it. So look at the parts of the situation where you can have an impact and maybe help her to make smart choices about sex.

It is a plus that she is already on birth control, but there are a few things I would check on.  Does she take her pills daily, without missing a day?  Has she has some education about STDs? You can discuss this with her doctor, since she is still a minor. If hearing about STDs from her mom is not workable (ha), ask the doctor to talk to her about both of those issues. It probably would have more impact than hearing a parent lecture. Some very graphic literature about STDs, how you get them and what they look like might also get her attention.

I would absolutely tell her you found the evidence. That way it's not a game--"are you sleeping with him or not?  who knows?" You do know, so give her a heads up, it's not a joke or some silly secret. Since she is not yet 18 it is still your responsibility to follow up what you have discovered in some way and try to keep her safe, although a teen that old is likely to blow off your concerns.  Get the information to her so that she can be responsible about this, and hopefully she will retain some of your wisdom in the years ahead. :-)

Pati - posted on 02/25/2009

Hi Allison,

He is going to go through the roof, but then what... what is his normal way of handling things? does he cool down and then look at things in a more rational way or is it over when he blows? Hailey’s dad was a go ballistic guy who would then come around and see that the rest of us were making the best of things and he should too. I am lucky that my kid always wants me the in the room when she is at the drs, even for the pap, she was like no way mom stays. I offered to leave the room so she could talk before and after we were there and she would have none of it. So I know everything that was said.

Here is an idea, since you know the dr and have a long standing relationship with him, go see him. Talk to him about your concerns, I’m betting he knows your husband and you can talk to him about what you found and how to deal with not only your daughter but your husband. I have met with my dr in her office for a consult on a few occasions just to talk about concerns. He might even be able to enlighten you in a round about way of what your daughter is feeling and concerned about. 

Another idea, have a meeting with your daughter and her boyfriend and talk about your concerns. Then talk to your husband and maybe all 4 of you and work something out. No one needs to loose a home or a relationship over this. And you need to keep the trust with both your husband and daughter in tack.

Allison - posted on 02/25/2009

She has been on bc pills for over a year now, initially for the treatment of acne. The dr put her on a low dose one that he told us he prescribes more for acne than bc. She had me take her to him in the summer to change it as she said she wanted one that was stronger "in case" something changed and she did have sex. She wanted to go in and talk to the dr herself and I let her as he has been her dr since she was a baby and mine since I was 16. I went through the same thing with him when I first went on the pill myself! ha ha I am just very worried about what her father's reaction would be if he knew what I found. Thanks to everyone for their input and stories. Any more advice will certainly be welcome as I think about what to do about it.

Pati - posted on 02/25/2009

Hi

I think first you should talk to her about it, openly and honestly. Make sure she understands that safety is important and so is her heart.  I don’t think you can’t tell him, if he found out, well its always best to tell him yourself. depending on your husband its more about how you tell him, you dont want him to kick her out, and you know you cant forbid her from seeing him. It might be difficult but you really should try to find a way to discuss the fact that your daughter is growing up with him.  I would certainly get her in to see a dr and get on bc, sometimes hearing it from a professional makes it more believable for teens.

I have a 17 year old daughter, and she is not active yet, so she says and I do believe her. But she is on birth control and she has a box of condoms. That does not make it any better as a mother, but as a human I know it is going to happen at some point and I want her to be as safe as possible. By the time she has a sexual relationship, my hope is that taking this pill is second nature to her.  I have talked to my daughter about sex on an age appropriate level her whole life and feel that she would talk to me about anything. When I took her for her first pap, right after she got her first boyfriend, the dr said it is good to know you are starting on a clean track, and this way she can monitor her self and her activity, so if she should test positive for something in the future, she might be better able to pin it down. This really upset her, thinking that she might someday not be healthy because she had sex with a boy who had something.

Christine - posted on 02/25/2009

I have a 17 year old daughter. I unfortunately walked in on the act and that is how I found out my daughter was sexually active. I had asked her in an open non-judgemental way and every time I asked she denied it vehemently. Obviously she was lying and did not feel she could trust me. Her father and I were never married, but he is active in her life. I decided to tell him, only because she may be able to talk to him about it. They have a friendship kind of relationship where she lives with me and I'm more of a disciplinarian. I was not happy with his reaction that he thought it was humorous and stated he would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when I walked in. Either way I was not happy with my reaction or her father's. I feel that teen pregnancy is very serious, as well as STD's. If you feel that your husband would not be able to deal with the information in a healthy and constructive way, that will allow your daughter to feel safe and secure in coming to either of you with this information, than don't tell him. No father wants to know about thier daughter's sexual activity, as well as most daughter's (I'm not saying all daughters) are not comfortable talking to thier fathers about thier sexual activity. The most important thing is for us to openly discuss the situation with our daughter's so they can make informed decisions, and protect them and teach them how to protect themselves. Regardless of whether we know or not, or agree with the decisions they make. They will do what they want in regards to sex. Be open and protect them. Ask your daughter if she would like her father to know. If she says no. Then respect her wishes, she will have more trust in you. I'm just curious how many fathers of sons let their wives know when the sons start to have sex. Do fathers feel that mothers should have a right to know that thier son's are sexually active. Just curious considering I only have a daughter. But I would think that if the husband/ father expects to be told about thier daughters sex life then the same should be said in regards to the sons.

Felicity - posted on 02/25/2009

As a mother who was in the same position not so long ago with my 17 year old boy, Yes tell dad, not that 17 year olds listen to anyone though. I was glad I did, My 17 year old, who is now 18 is about to become a dad, if I had not told my husband my suspicions, he would have reacted worse than he did, and he didn't react well anyway on finding out he was about to be a grandpa. Unfortunately my son and his girlfriend don't like the hard line we took with them by saying that if they are old enough to be parents they need to take some responsibility, board for one. It is a hard call for any parent to make with any child, but in reality I suppose if you think she has only just started having sex, then you should be grateful she waited till now as a lot of kids are starting at 15 these days. I have probably confused you more than anything, but I guess what I want to say is, just follow your heart and your instincts.

Allison - posted on 02/25/2009

We have had many talks on the subject and she know the consequences....even says that she does not want kids and is not "stupid", however, I found a piece of "evidence" and am not sure what to do as her father has told her that if she did become pregnant she would be out the door so to speak. She talks to me about lots of things but does it in the form of a question first, such as "What would you do if I told you I drank?" Then will tell me I had a cooler at my friends party. Her dad would go through the roof, not just hit the roof and I am pretty sure he would try to stop her from seeing the boy. They have been dating for over a year and I am not too surprised, but I know my husband would not handle it well. That's why I would like to know what other moms would do. If you knew your husband would freak out would you still tell him?

She also has an attitude problem with me on the other side of things, even though we have pretty good open communication so I have not told her what I found and that I know yet either. The bad mother in me would "love" to hold it over her just to get some co-opeartion and attitude adjustment out of her...I know that's wrong but sometimes she pushes me to the edge! It's like the Dr. Jeykel thing with her....lol Do you also think I should let her know that I know and found the "evidence"? She would "die"! lol

Shelly - posted on 02/25/2009

Allison,

  Yes you tell dad!  You need complete and total honesty with your spouce.  How would you feel if he found out and didn't tell you???  It is his child too and has just as much right to know whats going on as you do and why you would even consider not telling him is beyond me!!!   TELL HIM

JoAnne - posted on 02/25/2009

from experience I am happy to relate that I am impressed that my girls aged 20, 17, 16 and 14 have open communication with me where no topic is ever taboo. I started this from an early age and as a result they had come to me prior to do doing this and in one instance she came to me after the fact. She related to her boyfriend that she told her mom and he wasn't as easy with it as she was.

Of course, I would tell my spouse he is an equivelent member of the family and holding back inforamtion seems to draw lines in the sand for your teens to see. They may think that "dad" is not a safe place to land such information and as a place of non support. My kids know that we were teens in our past and have faced the same issues. i would rather that they make informed decisions around their bodies and instead of them going out and having sexual intercourse without any knowledge of the consequences and that it is something to be ashamed of or to keep this information away from adults. I would rather have a bridge with open, direct and honest communication. I believe that this is essential since this is one of the last known taboo's teens face when speaking to their parents about sex as and open dialogue will enevitably assist your girl to feel more confident and good about coming to you with any concern she may have now and in the future. Good Luck!!!