How long should I ground my 12 yr old

Dani - posted on 10/14/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

4

4

1

12 year old steels my credit card to put $20 credit on an old phone she found with a sim card! So far she has been grounded for 2 weeks my husband thinks we should ground her till Xmas. What do you think?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

19 Comments

View replies by

Chet - posted on 02/04/2014

2,093

0

587

I don't generally agree with grounding as a punishment. When you do something wrong the focus should be on helping a child to make things right. Grounding teaches a lot of kids to do a better job of at not getting caught.

Sonda - posted on 02/04/2014

1

0

0

i disagree because that shoul be nice to my age 12 years i was discuffuly and touch be green.

Shereia - posted on 11/04/2013

1

0

0

I think that is WONDERFUL! And something else the gift that she wants most DON'T GET IT! They have to learn. Stealing is wrong. Get on the computer and go on youtube and look for Beyond Scared Straight. Tell her that you are going to sign her up the next day. I bet when she watch that things will change. It did for my 11yr. old son. LOL.

Kristi - posted on 11/01/2009

48

3

12

I agree with everyone that grounding until Christmas is too long of a time. I have a similar problem with my 11 year old. She stole money out of my or her dad’s wallet, and thought nothing of it. When confronted about it and finally telling the truth, she got privileges taken away and put on restriction for 11 days 11 hours 11 minute and 11 seconds. I know that this might seem a bit strange but her father and I are military vets and this is sort of the way that they do things in the military. While on restriction, she had to work either at our home or at her grandmothers to pay back what was stolen even though she did not spend it. Then the other part is that we mad her read about people that have done what she is and where they are now in life, some of these people are in prison, and others have been killed because of stealing. We also took her to the local "juvey" and had her talk to kids her own age that have done the same or similar. She then spent the night there. It was a real eye-opener for her, she thought we were mean and hateful because of how she was treated at home, but after the night at juvey, she had a big change of heart. We haven’t had any more stealing issues with her since.

Sometimes it takes tough love to get the message through to them. What you have done so far seems to be working but there is always the chance it could happen again. By showing her the true consequences of her actions there might see the sought after changes you are looking for.

Tammy - posted on 10/30/2009

57

21

2

Loving it. When mine were younger and more respectable I made them write letters of apology to anyone and everyone involved with whatever they did wrong. I say that cause while they may realize they are doing something wrong kids don't always realize how many people are affected by the wrong they did. In your case, every single person in your family was affected by her stealing your card, so she would have had to write each person an apology. Also, if this issue caused you to have to deal with banks, credit card companies, and or phone companies she would have had to write them too. It doesn't have to be a lot just heartfelt and honest. It really helped my kids, saying your sorry verbally doesn't stick like writing it. Yes it's humiliating but only for a second or too. In order to write a good letter they really have to think about what they did, why they did it, was it worth it, and how many people one little mistake can hurt. It looks like your daughter really realized what she did and how bad she hurt you. FOUR pages, WOW!!! I was lucky to get 3 sentences. LOL Sounds like you are on the right track. Good luck in the future.

Kathie - posted on 10/24/2009

3

4

0

That's Awesome that your daughter owned up to what she did and apologized...that takes a lot! If she's already been punished and she has worked off the $20 with interest...then I would be done with it. I would try to work something out with her to maybe let her do chores to earn money for minutes for her phone...see if that helps, and good luck! :)

[deleted account]

My daughter she is 12 years old last month she stole money out of my purse. She lie to me saying her friend gave the money to her to buy ice cream at school. I know that was a lie it took me 10 minutes to get the truth out of her. So I grounded her for that week, which was almost over. Then the following week she was grounded from everything. She learned her lesson not to take money out of my purse. I think till Christmas is too long for a 12 year old. I have a teenager too and she's grounded because she is failing 9th grade. So she's grounded till her grades are brought up to at least a C. Even though she's smarter then a C but we're accept it since she is trying. It all depends on what your child has done depends on how long they should be grounded. With my teenager we told her every week she keeps her grades up we're take her to practice learning how to drive.

[deleted account]

Is she sorry or have a what ever attitude? If sorry maybe help her earn phone time. If whatever attitude - good luck I have one of each.

Kelly - posted on 10/23/2009

21

1

4

That is pretty extreme till Christmas. Has she ever done this kind of thing before? A couple of weeks and then have her work that money off in chores or such!!!

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2009

2

6

0

I have found that most kids do not realize the value of what they are stealing. That a credit card is not "free" money and has to be paid back.

My son stole my debit bank card to buy credits for a chat website. His arguement was that it was just 10 dollars and that he only took it because he you needed a credit card to purchase anything online, it was no big deal (according to him).

I took my son to the police station and had an officer explain to him that credit card theft is a felony and that a person's purse or wallet is private property and is not to be looked through etc... without the owners permission.



As for grounding him - I took away access to the internet (in your case it may be no phone or cell phone) and made him work off the money (plus interest and user fees [i figured that there was additional cost for the trouble of cancelling my bank card and getting a new one reissued as I can never be sure who could have gotten the cc number online] & his 10 dollar charge cost him over 10 hrs of labor time to pay back).



He is still not allowed to access the internet (its been 6 months & counting) except for schoolwork and only when monitored by myself or my husband (the long length of time is to teach him the value of trust and how hard it is to get something like that back once it is lost).

Dani - posted on 10/20/2009

4

4

1

I Have stuck with the grounding for 2 weeks and have made her work off the $20 with interest and the phone has been confiscated for 4 weeks. Today I recieved a letter that she wrote to me and it was 4 pages of how sorry she is and she dosent really know why she did it and how she will now try to think things through before doing them. She also said she wouldnt blame if I sent her to her fathers...I have talked to her and told her no matter how bad she is I wouldnt send her there!! Just when you lose hope they go and do this wonderfull thing and it almost makes you think you are going to get through. Untill the next time that is!!

Gretchen - posted on 10/18/2009

5

6

0

In this case I think the best course of action would be to talk to talk to your daughter about her actions. Why she did what she did to try to better understand her reasons. I think if my 14 year old had done the same thing. I would have immediately removed the phone from her possession. Looked at all the data on it, to see if she was hiding anything important, and then I would find a way for her to pay back the money. I don't believe grounding her for months really teaches a lesson. Frankly, most 12 year olds are old enough to help you decide what is a reasonable way to figure out how to fix the situation that was caused by their actions.

Heather - posted on 10/17/2009

7

25

0

I would ground her for atleast a couple of weeks, then make her earn the money by doing chores to pay for the $20 that she spent. I am new at this, But there is nothing that my kids can do or say that I haven't already done or said myself. They are in for a sheltered life. Call me supermom.

Judy - posted on 10/16/2009

8

20

0

I agree that grounded until Christmas is too much. Grounding her for 2 weeks, taking her phone away, making her write an essay about why stealing is wrong and what consquences are for those that steal, might do it. Also you can make her work off the $20 with extra chores around the house. If you don't want her to do essays, maybe you can take her to a court house one day and let her hear some of the trials of those who have stolen something. Maybe you can give her mandortary hours of service work somewhere that need volunteers. You really need to fit the punishment with the crime so to speak.



I had to punish my daughter for helping someone change a grade on their report card, and they both got caught. My daughter was a couple of years older than the person she helped, so she was grounded for two weeks, wrote an essay about peer pressure, an essay about being a good role model for those younger than her, an apology to the person she helped and another apology letter to the parents. She had to write sentences that she would never change a grade on a report card, and she had ISS for one day at school. She didn't get off lightly with that one and I think you really need to make the punishment stiff. Grounding will work some but I don't think it is enough in your situation. (I strongly believe that it won't work much longer the 2 weeks because, much longer than that, she will probably forget why she was grounded in the first place.)

Carrie - posted on 10/16/2009

98

9

2

First I would hide my credit cards, keep your purse in your room, or get some sort of lock box and put it in there. How many times has this happened? If it's happened 5 times she's grounded a day for each time. When my kids act up, they get chores, if the chores aren't done they get an extra day. And I would be taking away the phone as well, phone MP3 players, TV, etc, take it all see what happens.

Maria - posted on 10/15/2009

1,068

123

3

Grounding her till Xmas is far too long, she might not take you and Dad seriously. 2 or 3 weeks will suffice. Besides, don't take this the wrong way, but pre-teens and teens these days seem to ignore the word "ground" anymore. It's as if it's ok, as long as they have their video games, iPods and what nots to occupy themselves. It will probably teach her not to steal if you let her "pay" the $20+fee (charged on your credit card) off by doing some chores for you that she normally doesn't do and doesn't like doing.:)

[deleted account]

I agree, December is too long, and you'll just be suffering more than she will! I remember someone (maybe SuperNanny) saying that when she sends little children to the timeout, it's a minute for each year they are. Maybe you could do a day for each year? That way, too, your daughter will know that if she doesn't change her ways, she'll add another day on to the groundings after her next birthday. 12 days is like an eternity for a 12 yr old!

Renee - posted on 10/15/2009

3

9

1

This is a tough period for pre-teens. I raised two girls myself. They are now ages 24 and 16. Grounding her for long periods of time with no direction does not guarantee anything. Maybe 2-3 weeks with her "working off" the $20 charge. Also, try and establish dialogue: Why couldn't she just ask you for the money? Do you know her friends? Does she have any responsibiliteis at home?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms