HOW STOP TEEN BOYFRIEND ABUSE?

SANDRA - posted on 02/09/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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MY DAUGHTER IS A SENIOR & 18, BOYFRIEND IS MEAN TO HER AND IS KEEPING HER FROM SEEING FAMILY. HOW CAN I HELP HER SEE HE HAS ISSUES WITH WOMEN & WANTS TOTAL CONTROL. HE HARASSES HER ALL NIGHT ON THE PHONE & HER GRADES ARE SLIPPING. SHE IS AFRAID TO BREAK UP WITH HIM. HE DIDN'T GRADUATE WITH HIS CLASS & NOW IS IN HERS , KEEPING HER FROM BEING HEALTHY, ACCUSING HER OF STUPID STUFF, JUST TO FIGHT WITH HER. VERY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, & NO INTEREST FROM HIS PARENTS OF ANY KIND. EVEN THE COUNSELORS ARE TRYING TO REASON WITH HER ON WHAT A RED FLAG IS. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON A YEAR AND I FEEL SO HELPLESS WATCHING HER CRY AND LOSE HER INNER BEAUTY.

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Heather - posted on 02/09/2010

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I used to be a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault counselor, there should be a Domestic Violence Center in your town or near by, you can contact them for information to provide to your daughter. You can also call the national Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). I hope this helps and good luck.

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Amanda - posted on 07/24/2011

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Well you could try being blunt and ask if she'd like to end up a number in statistics picked up in a body bag after a domestic violence call. But sometimes you just can't reason with girls that age no matter how you handle it. I know that no one could reason with my sister about her boyfriend. She was pregnant and married at 17 and even when he caused them to have their daughter placed with his family she wouldn't be reasoned with, she had to come to the decision on her own. Her friends found bruises on her arms from him grabbing her & shaking her. She decided about a year ago to leave him. Good luck & I hope your daughter comes to her senses quickly.

[deleted account]

I was once in a relationship like that for 9 years. My family tried to tell me that it was not a good relationship but it was my first one and I wasn't sure if there would ever be another one (stupid thinking on my part) anyway I eventually married him and then realized my huge mistake. It was mostly a mental abuse situation but I learned later that it had other components in it when I took a family abuse course(perhaps finding a book on it would help). I finally came to my senses when I turned 30 but I lost a chunk of my life that I will never get back(I had thought that I wanted my own kids but now I won't get that chance).
I would try to talk to your daughter or find someone that she will listen too. Her self-confidence and self-esteem are going to be non-existent and that is part of the power that the men get over us in that situation. I lost a lot of my close friends but I have been lucky to hook up with them again.

Keep showing her that you love her and give her support, I hope that things work out. After being in this situation myself, it scares me to see that it happens so much everywhere. Good Luck and if you need anything else let me know....

Shannon - posted on 02/17/2010

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Role play with your husband. Get together with him and have him start treating you the way her boyfriend treats her, in front of her. Let her get angry at him on your behalf, then have a talk with her and see if she notes the similarities in her relationship. Let her know she deserves a man who will treat her right, and at this age she has all the time in the world to keep looking. Build up her self esteem, as she may have low self esteem if she is allowing this to go on. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Wilma - posted on 02/16/2010

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Please do not give up on her - she is in an abusive relationship I had that boyfriend 20 years ago it was all mental and verbal and married him and once pregnant he beat me for 15 years until I could get away and I still have to look over my shoulder the rest of my life. There are a few options for you I do not know that the counselors in her school are well equipped to deal with domestic violence - and don't kid yourseld thats what this is. It does not have to be Pysical for it to be abuse and lets not wait for the physical abuse to start - Please call your local shelter hotline and speak to advocate for women they will help you. If need be and he is threatening her or threatening to harm her CALL THE POLICE. It will at the very least document the abuse. Please keep your lines of communication open and if you can get her out off this bad relationship seek help for her to rebuild her self esteem. Educating our young women is so key in preventing domestic violence and teen abuse relationships. I wish you the very best and I hope your daughter remains strong and understands that no one deserves to be abused.

Denise - posted on 02/15/2010

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This is terrible and my daughter is 15 and has already gone through something like this. She turned her back on her family until none of us was really talking anymore....She finally broke down and told us how controling he was to her and at home she acted like a battered woman. It was a long process of talking to her, his family, and i did involve the school and let both his family and the school know that if this didn't stop we were going to get a restraining order but this was only after my daughter broke it off with him and she finally seen just how bad this guy really was. To make matters worse he also lives on our street. I have no problem calling the police if I see him even try to come to our house and talk to her again. His mother was very helpful in this process. She didn't want a mark on his record. I am just sorry that the other girls out there don't know what this guy is really like.

The only thing that worked for my daughter was for her to see this for herself. We refused to let her see him but she still did at school, and she refused to acknowledge that she knew this wasn't right but was scared to break up with him....and it was a very difficult process. Keep talking to her when he is not around and try to not put anyone down, just make her see your point as an outsider looking in. Now that my daughter in out of the situitation she sees more clearly how wrong it was. You just HAVE to get your daughter to see this and to take the necessary steps to protect herself after it is over.

I hate that there are girls who can be controlled by a boy this day in age. And my daughter is a strong girl, but it didn't matter when it came to him. I am convinced this boy will be on the news one of these days for beating up a woman or worse. I hope he grows out of it or gets help. I am just glad to have my daughter back, she don't act like a battered woman anymore. I can tell she still has issues but she is doing well..

Bonnie Jean - posted on 02/15/2010

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Call your city attorneys office and find out how to get a no-contact/harassment order. they can use these in public schools. What this will do is bring his family and yours in front of a judge, you should be able to ask he gets counseling.



Get your daughter into counseling. One way I helped my daughter was to ask her this...."If this young man treated you the way he does now when you met him, would you have gone out with him?"

If he is a well practiced abuser he might be implying all kinds of awful things to keep control over her.

One young lady stayed with her abuser because he made her believe he would hurt himself or her family.

Definitely talk to a domestic violence hotline person.

Most abusers are perfecting what they have learned at home. Power and control...



http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/wheel...



National abuse hotline:

ESPAÑOL

CONTACT





1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

ANONYMOUS & CONFIDENTIAL HELP 24/7

Kristi - posted on 02/15/2010

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I too would use any resources available from Domestic Abuse hotlines...but until then,if your daughter is wanting to leave this relationship,help her escape.If he's in her classes in school...see if you can't get her transferred to another school for the remainder of the year..he can't harass her or contact her unless she lets him.Get her number changed,block him out from social networks,and maybe even talk to the counselors or principal at school about his behavior.They have no bullying policies even at the elementary level..maybe it's time they realized that teenage relationships can be bullying from time to time as well.My mother always told me "Love does not hurt"..if he hurts her,physically,he does not love her.She has mistakenly taught him how to treat her...she will take the name calling,the stalking,and maybe even a whack or two,and that's all it takes to get the ball rolling for him to think he has total control and "owns" her.As far as his parents go,of course no parent wants to hear their son is a bully,but it also is a reflection of how they have raised him.If he's gotten away with being bossy,hitting,or bullying once even in Kindergarten,this can be the result IMHO..Accusations are a way of deflecting their own faults I've noticed...If he accuses her of cheating,he has been being or is currently being unfaithful.He has apparently used the old standby line abusers use with respect to "breaking up".."You can't break up with me...You're worthless without me..." Sadly,he might have even said "I'll hurt/kill you if you break up with me"..I do not try to frighten you by saying this,but do not mistake a kid's anger for a man's strength and rage.He's big enough to say it,he's big enough to try to back those words up.As others have said too,an order of protection may be in order..and do not take no for an answer.There was a story recently about a stalker who killed the object of his affection,after she was refused a restraining order..very sad...but it is not too late.Hope this helps...feel free to contact if you'd like :D-Kristi

Susan - posted on 02/15/2010

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Sounds very much similar to what I experienced myself! I couldn't take it anymore, so I called the young man and informed him in no uncertain terms that abuse is punishable by law, so I wanted him to get a lawyer and our family was going to do likewise, then we battle it out in court. I was totally fed up with his harassment of my daughter that I was really going to go the legal way. This put some sense into his head and he apologized, and also promised to apologize and leave the girl alone. It worked, and we are now finally at peace and our daughter can once again concentrate on her studies.

Tina - posted on 02/14/2010

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Your daughter definitely needs to see a therapist. Her insecurity and self-esteem issues need to be addressed in order for her to see the light. I hope you don't take offense to this, but girls and women who stay in abusive relationships have deep rooted personal issues that need to be addressed. It is only insecure and weak women who stay with abusive men. If you can pinpoint why she is insecure and weak and talk to her about those issues, you will be on the right path. Good luck and be sure you get her to a psychologist ASAP!

Noreen - posted on 02/14/2010

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I was once that teenager... and can not give advise only hope. I did see that I wanted more.. and did walk away. I hope the same for your daughter

Lisa - posted on 02/14/2010

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Hi Sandra, dont give up on talking, my daughter was married to a controler for

10 years, she left him many times always returning back. it ended up very bad.

if she brakes up with him you might want a court order for him to stay away.

you might check into a womans abuse group and attend it with her, she might

listen to abused women storys. I can only tell you it gets worse when children

are involved. In my prayers

Kimberly - posted on 02/14/2010

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I too went through this in high school. My boyfriend was abusuve and eve tried to kill me for not doing what he told me. He threatend members of my family if I didn't do what he said. It does not get any better. I went to the court house and took out a restraining order to keep him away from me. The counselors at school can help you find people outside of school to help you and your daughter, and I was to the point of moving to another state with family to get away. Your daughter has got to see what is going on and want to get out to make it happen. It took a long time, but it was worth it just to be my own person. The Department of Human Resources in your area may also be able to help you. I will say a prayer for your daughter and for you and your family that this abuse stops before it is too late. If I can help you in any way just ask, and I will do my best. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 02/13/2010

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I found with my teenager that I had an allie in one particular upper high school teacher, I could ring or see at any time during the day with any issue and keep an eye out for any thing that was going on, my child had a deep inability to handle stresses very well and could lose control in a second, so I felt that the support of the school was vital untill coping stratigies were learned. It seems that it is not uncommon for teenagers to wander into the wrong way of going about things until they work out what is good and what is damaging. but a safety net needs to be their when they fall, cause they do?? and watching them fall is so hard. but when they hit the net and have someone their to help brush them off, they get a chance to take a breath and maybe reanalize where their at and where their going.
Hope all works out well for her and you

Holly - posted on 02/13/2010

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I am so sorry to hear this.....I know first hand what it is like to be involved in that kind of relationship. My story has a very dramatic end. He killed my best friend in front of me for trying to help me. He is now in prison. I don't want to scare you just be careful and very alert. I would get her involved in a DV group so she can hear other girls story's! She needs to know the gory outcomes to most of these sick relationships!!! I am here if you need anything.

Gina - posted on 02/10/2010

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you can try have someone who has been through it approach her and talk to her about it
maybe she is scared if she breaks up with him he will hurt her

Jane - posted on 02/09/2010

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I would suggest exactly what Heather does....call the national Domestic Violence Hotline. See if you can get her into counseling with someone that specializes in it. Keep talking to her and best of luck!

Anne - posted on 02/09/2010

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Get a male friend to go threaten to break his legs! Lets see how much of a man he is then!!

Michelle - posted on 02/09/2010

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My only advice is to keep talking to her! And watch very closely for signs of physical abuse. I don't think that teen girls realize that there really are red flags until something happens to them. I hope that your daughter will soon realize that this is not a healthy relationship.

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