How to Deal with an angry 14 year old

Debbie - posted on 05/04/2011 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I am going through a very horrible and messy divorce at the moment been a year already and we busy moving to a Townhouse. I have 2 girls 11 and 14 year olds. My 14 year old daughter is giving me utter hell its unbearable living with her at the moment. She screams and shouts and bangs the furniture. My kids dont see their dad at all his on drugs they refuse to see him because they fear him from all the domestic violence he caused when he lived with us. She constantly gets into trouble at school with the teachers she has physical fights with the girls at school, i have to go and bail her out all the time. she failed her first term at school, i removed her cell phone and said if her marks improve she can have it back. I love her with all my heart i tell both my kids that all the time. I have had so many meetings with both my kids school psycologist and with our church. I have my family and friends talk to both of them my little girl is learning all the bad her sister is doing, i try to take both my kids out even if i dont have the money just so they can get out of the house for a while. On monday i spent the day packing my house up with the help of my 11 year old, i was so exhausted. The older one just sat and watched not helped with nothing. She had this horrific argument with me in the everning i ended up in hospital because i had trouble breathing i needed oxygen.I want my kids to be happy again. I dont know what else to do im very desperate. PLEASE HELP.

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Steffanie - posted on 05/10/2011

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My ex boyfriend was extremely abusive, and I was so ANGRY at him. I hated him! Anger can be violent and ugly. I hated my ex for what he did to me, and I despised him for the damage he caused my children. It was because I couldn't understand why he could be so cruel and evil... I acted out inappropriately.Counseling at a domestic violence place helped me considerably. Your daughter is angry, at her dad, she is angry at you... She is angry at the world... I would enroll her, yourself, and your eleven year old daughter in domestic violence program. I found this helpful for myself as well for my children. Most are free, or have a small fee. Church is a wonderful resource, but don't specialize in domestic violence that places like Su Casa, and other agencies provide. She and you can get your life back.

I also agree that you should talk to her. Let her know it is okay for her to feel the way she does, and that your angry too. It could be a variety of reasons she is angry. Find out why... Get her a punching bag, and and outlet for her anger. Enroll her in kick boxing, or some sport that can help her to focus her anger in more positive ways and learn self control.
Write a list of household rules you are all expected to follow. Give specific guidelines. Get her also in individual counseling, so she can talk to a professional that can give her ideas how to express herself.
She needs to know you love her, and you support her. But also that being apart of a family, you have to contribute, and follow household rules. If she refuses, I would take away everything. Give her two pairs of clothes, pj's,. take her door off her bedroom, take all electronics, refuse her money to go out with her friends...Make her responsible for washing her own clothes, and taking care of her room. Once she starts following rules, than slowly give back her things. She needs to learn to respect you, and to express her anger in positive ways. Refusing to help back, getting in fights in school, getting bad grades are not acceptable. If she refuses to help move, than tell her you will leave her things there. If you want to bring them than, do it, if not, you wont have your things.
I am sorry, and know how hard it is just dealing with a divorce, when it was abusive it is worse... I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope all works out for you and your daughter...

Shawnn - posted on 05/05/2011

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This young lady (actually both of your kids) needs an outlet. Their dad is an addict, there have been domestic abuse issues, and now a divorce, which even in the most amiable situations is not easy on the kids.

You need to look into counselling options in your area, as well as support groups for dependents of drug addicts and victims of abuse, and you NEED to do it as soon as possible.

If money is an issue, check into your church for assistance, as well as any state assistance available. You have many, many options. It's good you spend time with the kids, but understand that you DON'T need to spend money during that time! Go to a local park, and just spend time together!

But, mainly, get into counselling. You all will benefit.

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Bridget - posted on 05/10/2011

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I dont I live in Alaska..but I have a facebook! :) and i'm on all the time does she have one?

Debbie - posted on 05/10/2011

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Hi Bridgett Yes i would love for you to chat with Shenay do you have mixit on your cell phone?. Do you live in South Africa,Johannesburg.

Bridget - posted on 05/10/2011

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I'm young (21) and remember feeling that way..my suggestion (i know that it helped me) is to let her talk with a counselor..not a psychiatrist etc..just having someone who i wasnt afraid would think poorly of me for telling them things helped relieve alot of stress..also I took up yoga..it truely is relaxing..help her focus her energy on something productive..something that she loves..i know that no matter what my mom tried..sometimes..even though she was doing everything right..i was just a teenager and it was a phase that I needed to go through..that I can hardly believe that I was like that anymore..I'm always free to talk you can send me a message and I would be more than happy to talk with you or your daughter if you want :)

Debbie - posted on 05/10/2011

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Thank you Steffanie your respolnse is very helpful and encouraging appreciate it. Thanks for keeping us in your prayers.
xx

Debbie - posted on 05/05/2011

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Thank you Shawnn for the wonderful advice i will definately use it.
Kind Regards

Beth - posted on 05/04/2011

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Your daughter is angry. She is angry at her father for being abusive and an addict and not being the father she needs, and she's angry at you for not fixing things and helping her cope with all of this. Your child is LITERALLY screaming for help, and it is my suggestion that you give it to her.

You're a little late if you ask me, but how about instead of punishing her, talking to her? And I don't mean one talk, I mean talk with her until you're sick of hearing her say the same things over and over, but she's sick of venting too! She needs an outlet, and you're it, MOM! I would also suggest family counseling, and not giving up! Keep going to counseling, insist she go with you and alone, so she can have an outlet for all these emotions. Otherwise, her destructive behavior is only going to get worse.

Good luck, and God Bless

Sonia - posted on 05/04/2011

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this might not be to helpfull but i have a fourteen year old boy that is the same and i find that if he is shout and trying to argue with me i ignore him it can be hard but it does work as she is looking for atttention from u so try not to argue with her and only reward her if she helps out. And i find that with my son if he is acting up like a small child i stand him in the corner and that seem to work i hope it helps u out a bit

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