how to handle 17 year old boys

Cynthia - posted on 08/08/2009 ( 43 moms have responded )

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how do you stop the arguing and bull headedness of 17 year old boys?????

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Kerrie - posted on 06/16/2013

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i am so stressed out with my 17 yr old son, i cry a lot. he comes and goes as he pleases and wont go to school which i had to start him on home school for the second time since the schools did not want him there because he has no respect for anyone, and when i say anyone i mean just that.he will smart off to an officer like it is nothing .ok so anyways if i ask him to do something like clean his room or pick up his clothes that he leaves laying around the front room.he knows i have depression and he calls me crazy nuts tells me he wishes i were dead, calls me a bitch, whore and a slut.he tells me he wants for me and his dad to get divorced so he dont have to hear my mouth again.he doesnt even respect his dad he is just worse on me. we cant even go away with out him having a party in our house, we thought that he had grown up some so we had told him that we were going away for the night and that there was to be no one in the house well we came home because we seen that he posted on facebook that he was having a party. i find out that there was 50 people in my house drinking and eating everything we just bought at the grocery store. i had wine that was not opened and when i got home it was gone.so i walked acrossed my kitchen floor and fell because it was so slick from beer being spilled. i dont know i am so frustrated and want to kick him out but i would feel like the worse mom ever. he refuses to get a job but wants everything and my husband gives in just so he dont have to hear him or have him punch holes in the walls and doors like he has done many of times.my husband has high blood pressure and cant deal with much so i dont know what to do . i told him to get a job or go to the military but since he will not graduate he wont be able to do that. if anyone has any suggestions i am so willing to listen. he has been to court but out juvenile court is such a joke. they gave him a slap on the wrist but gave us a 400. fine to pay since he had been there 3 times.i asked his probation officer to help out buy checking up on him when he is to be in but he never did, the took him off probation so now i have no clue of what to do. i also love having my grandson stay over buy am afraid to because he is only 3 and when my son acts up it makes my grandson cry and afraid. i keep adding because there is so much i deal with.he also drinks everyday comes in all hours of the night and wakes me up to let him in.i get so mad but i also thank god its not a state patrol officer telling me he has been killed.i would also have to drive 30 mins. away at 3 in the morning just to pick him up

Laurie - posted on 05/09/2013

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I am having the same difficulty with my 17 year old junior. He has always been a responsible, kind person with great grades. He is maintaining his grades , but has become moody and argumentative. He spends very little time with the family and is very hurtful at times. I am having alot of trouble dealing with him pulling away and leaving for college in a year. I am hoping this is a phase and not permanent.

Kerrie - posted on 06/17/2013

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i try to to talk with him and listen i even ask him to sit and watch a movie with me but he just wants to run everyday all day. i will tell him if you want to drive i need you to do somethings first but it always ends up in an argument. he wants whatever but doesnt want to give even if its just taking laundry downstairs

Julia - posted on 08/11/2009

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I think you have to track what kinds of things he's arguing about and your response to them, and his response to your response. My son responds very well to negotiation, but very poorly to flat-out "no" responses. He also wants to be respected for his own opinions and choices. It's a tough age, because they think they know what's right and they are most often wrong, but you want THEM to figure that out in a safe way. Forbidding them to do things will just make them run out and do them behind your back. My advice is to have a few firm rules (not too many), make them reasonable, and then take everything else on a case by case basis. Some sensible rules are: homework and chores before going out; definite curfews, no drinking or drugs. Make your positions very clear and do not vary from them--this is the structure that will guide him. Don't criticize his friends; if they are bad he will find out for himself; also, they may be better than you assume they are based just on his looks. (my son has some extremely scruffy and bad-looking friends; I was opposed to them just on sight until I learned that they were the best and straightest students in his class--you just never know)

Before you say no, ask yourself why you want to say no: is it for his benefit or yours? What kinds of conditions would make you say yes? By working with him he knows what your baseline is and what his own freedoms are.

Mary - posted on 01/21/2013

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Ran into this for a few months with my oldest boy when he was 14, where he thought he was going to be able to tell me what he was doing. I stood my ground & stood up to him, after a few battles he came around. I talked to him about how showing me that he's responsible & being trustworthy can earn freedom & more adult points. That opened communication doors between us. Especially when I made it clear I'll always find out but I won't be as mad if he tells me 1st. don't ever forget to listen to what they are trying to say, they will be honest with you when they know that your are honest with them. Now he's well behaved, athletic, well mannered, good grades young man who has earned my trust & earned more freedom.
He will be 18 in a few weeks & now I'm having a hard time with the fact that he has so little to no time for me. I know I have to let go but I don't want to & I just seem to make him mad at me whenever I say something.

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Claudia - posted on 10/24/2013

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I don't know the answer to your question, but I am glad it is not just my grandson who is acting this way.

Jaya Laxmi Hari - posted on 07/23/2013

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May I, thanks, in this circumstances it is the whole mistake of your husband. You are really apperciated by the nature itself, but your frustration and tension and the real fact about tommorrow makes you more stressed. Please, since you are so carageous, please talk to your son in a better tune without stress and so lovingly explain him the facts in a friendly way and without critising him in any manner even a pinn drop mode, may change

Jaya Laxmi Hari - posted on 07/23/2013

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sorry, your fiest sentence of your being stressed out, is wrong, as he is your son and his world is you and his father, you were the person whos spotted to him that HE IS YOUR FATHER and he believed it. when he can believe you so much why cant he, it is only hgis assumnption that he is grown up, treat him with extreme love and a friendly manner, changes may be possible

Jaya Laxmi Hari - posted on 07/23/2013

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Pls try this: tomorrow when he comes after drinking, just keep mum and open the door and serve him the food and change your response. Try to care for him more that too without even spotting or wordings of his drinking anf try to praise him like god , leaving aside your real feelings and anger or frustration, just take your self a doctor and do this treatment for days and note the difference if any or else again ask suin this site and let us see what happends, Please do not hate your sone even externaly and love in your inner heart try to expose you love slowly towards him. there shall be a bright morning surely, OR A BLACK MORNING BY DEFAULT.

Jaya Laxmi Hari - posted on 07/23/2013

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there are only 2 reasons as per my knowledge. your son may be disturbed, or posses heavy ego. but we mothers should be like the mother earth we have to bear diamonds and even shits. sorry, am i right as for the sake of your son.

Jaya Laxmi Hari - posted on 07/23/2013

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my son at 17 years is very intelligent and at the same time very angry, He cant leave a small advice of mine and will stick to the minute points for hours and speak nasty and extra ordinary dialogues which itself exhibits that he is not matured and meaningless but sticks to that dailogues. i think that he might be using drinks or some other things but stopped. still some times jhe is my father and even fore father in brains and sometimes a terrosist way of behaviour. but loving and foolish. what my husband says and accepts that he is the only son and we have to bear it all as I am a alcoholic addict but with entire family loving like god, he or I cant even cant spare a minute without our son as the entire house is a grace yard without his presence as his personality and our liking can not be compared. hios behaviour and anger is like electric shock or lightining. like what didi u say, what did u say 5 times on any suggestions or scolding from us.

Kerrie - posted on 06/17/2013

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i would like to thank everyone for their insight.i try to talk to my son but he dont like to hear what i have to say. today i took the keys from him so he cant drive for awhile. i told him that when he learns a little respect and helps out with the chores that he will get them back.he was pretty mad and when i was gone my husband called me and said that he was taking a bag of clothes and never coming home.i just over looked it because he says it all the time when he doesnt get his own way.he is a very good manipulator and can fool anyone into believing him.i love my son with all my heart and i let him know that just because we argue it doesnt me i dont love him.it is midnight and i am sitting here crying because he is not home, i should be use to this because he comes in al hours of the night but i just cant help from worrying about him.

Kerrie - posted on 06/17/2013

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thank you, thats what i keep telling him is that i will never give up on him but he just says he wishes i would. i could never turn my back on any of my kids no matter how bad they treat me

Christa - posted on 05/01/2013

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I have the same issue with my 17 y/o son. He thinks he can just come and go wherever whenever and threatens he will just move out if I don't like it or try to stop it.
His older brother who is now 20 did this to me when he was 17 as well, but came home after one week. My 17 y/0 knew what I went through and saw the ways I tried to get him back basically kissed his ass
Two days ago after the 17 came home we asked him to help in the yard. He got mad and left and said he was moving out- I pretty much helped him carry his stuff out to the truck
I decided he is doing this to be like his brother (whom I kissed ass to move backhome ) and I refuse to do this a second time
Their father passed away five years ago. I don't get a lot of money fromSS but do get some. My 17 y/o beleives I should split that up three ways and its payday for them. I tell him it is money to help raise them not strictly to be given to them. He refuses to find a job. We pay his phone and car insurance. I know the money issue irritates him because he has brought this up many times ( by the way, the older two boys communicate with their dads wife where I think she feeds them this garbage)
My third son had nothing to do with the stepmom and agrees with my husband and I and he is just fine with our household rules
I feel almost guilty because I am not kissing his ass to move back home but I believe I have to stand my ground. I think at some point he will realize I am not a bad parent but he is stubborn and my fear is that he won't come around, thanks for listening:)

Sherri - posted on 11/03/2012

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Ive tried negotiating and honestly feel that I have given my 17yr old son plenty off room to make his own choices. Ive set the rules hard and firm. No diirespect, no lies, grades and chores are responsibilities. Still there is the occassional huge arguements. The direspect, hollering back, telling me what he is or isnt going to do, challenging me and questioning my authority and worst lying (those obviously a lie "lies", the ones that make you know they think your stupid enough to believe, the ones they appparently didn't feel the need to put any effort in to making believable because they feel like you will or must believe everything they say)

Alison - posted on 10/12/2012

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wish that they were more mature at 17,kind of should of went through all of this a few years ago not now...what happens between 16 and 17?

Desperate - posted on 05/31/2012

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I`m desperate, my 17year old tells me what to do, if he wants to go visit someone the weekend he just go after school on a friday and return on Sunday night. I had an agreement with the 2 eldest boys that they are allowed out only 2 weekend a mnth. He was out every weekend in May and exams is starting Monday so I told him this weekend he is suppose to stay home. His reply was no, i`m going, and i lost it and told him that his not my boss. He said well are`nt we allowed to go out? So i said you are, but you have been out every weekend while the others had to do your work around the house while you are having fun and it`s not fair. He got upset got out of the car at school without greeting me. He hurts me everytime when he acts this way. Or he`ll tell me i`m a terrible mother and that I never care about him when he wants me to send someone to collect him at school early, but i`m working 30km away from home. I`m the one who pic`s them up when they have sports and only gets back at 11 o`clock at night. Their father haven`t paid maintenance for them the first 5 years, I raised them by myself on a R5000 salary, he wants to see them every month but he pay`s R200 per child pm for the last year after I went to court, that was his offer. What can you buy a child for R200 a mnth, it`s not even his petrol money to school. I`m the only one working to support us, with no help from anyone. My petrol to work is R1500pm, I type other peoples CV`s for extra money, and Help kids with their assignments for school. All this during work hours while i still have a load of my actual work of debt collecting to do. I feel that life is`nt worth it anymore, they don`t appreciate me, the more i do, the less they see.

Antonette869 - posted on 02/27/2012

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i agree..its nice to know we're not alone..doesnt help though...i mean not with the kid...mine i let go to his dad's house,..for the summer and then they talked me into letting him stay for the school year cause i was starting a divorce with the second marriage guy..he was a yeller and verbally abusive..and ofc his dad has been convincing him through his wednesdays visits and weekend visits that he would give him a car to drive, but wouldnt let him drive to my house 5 miles away, and he gave my son his own bacholor pad, half the house has two rooms that you can slice off from the house with a bathroom,...so its his "mancave"...but after tryin to keep up with what my son is doing...and being shut out...watching his grades fail cause the crap father thinks that midterm grades of C's is just fine...telling me to keep him up to date on my sons grades ...and when i tried to voice my concerns he hangs up on me...along with letting my sons gf spend the night and crap,..telling them to give me the report cards and being ignored...hearing that his dad is telling him that his dream of being a game designer is crap, and that he's constantly compared to his older brother who is working his butt off...well what i did this week was push back and hard the only way i could...through facebook...posted his failing grades with my words of complete disappointment...ofc it didnt go over well...the crap dad sayin that i needed to appologize to my son..not in this lifetime...sooo after many hurtful things said on facebook...to each other ...and yes all of his private messages to me are also posted there......i hid nothing ..he and his dad like to lie...so for me i've learned to keep everything and have it all in black and white so that the truth is right there as to what was said...i've thought about posting his dads texts to my from my phone too...just so its all out there...being told its my fault?? that i'm pushing him away...the fact is this crap dad is so lonely that he has tried to be my boys 'buddie' instead of a decent father to them...cause a decent father wouldnt let things like this happen.



and believe me it was and is hard ...that i just made my son hate me...unfriend me in facebook and tell me some very awful things...but theres two ways this will work...either he'll go to college now more then ever and prove mom wrong...or stay shut up in his room and live the trailer life like his dad eventually will as well. ...yes i've cried...i keep telling myself it will work out..that i'm doing the right thing...this boy is twice my size yet needs a good ole italian butt whippin...and needs to be away from that crap father...he did the same thing to my oldest, 6yrs diff, and now my son regrets what was let to happen..i've always raised my boys to be respectful...in 6months of living there...not to mention all the times the crap dad has put ideas into my sons head...most of what i've taught him is buried...for now...we'll see...he knows i dont back down...and while the crap dad is telling him hes a 'man' at 16-17 now...i wont and wouldnt..idk we'll see if it works...

User - posted on 10/22/2011

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Wow, I feel so much better after reading all this, in that I'm not alone and my son is normal! He will be 18 in January and since the start of his Senior year this year, it's been one battle after the next. He is a straight A student and no trouble at all except for the new attitude! I am now a complete idiot and know nothing! He wants to hide all his college mail because we shouldn't have anything to say about this decision. I have to keep reminding myself that I am the Adult here but man can they ever hurt your feelings!! Please tell me this ends!!!!! I want my precious little 4 year old that thought I hung the moon!

Sherry - posted on 07/14/2011

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I have a fifteen year old who was in to sports but soon as high school hit he quit, started hanging around with the wrong people. Started drinkning, smoking etc... we have taken everything possible away and he works in our family business so now he works longer. our daughter who is now 25 gave us a problem that was short lived we sent her to live with her uncle in Iowa. She came back a changed person. May do the same with my son he dosent want to talk very much and is angry but we know we did the right thing. We love all our kids and they come first and we are determined to always have their back when they fall. Hope this passes really worried about tenth grade.
Sherry

Krista - posted on 08/29/2009

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I think the raging testosterone causes brain damage. They really think they know more than we do. I agree with the "Does it cause harm to him or anyone else?" question is good - pick and choose your battles so there are fewer issues to argue about. Let him have the freedom to make his own decisions if there's no possible harm.

Wendy - posted on 08/16/2009

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Wow, after reading these posts, I see that it's not unusual for a 16 1/2 yr. old boy to think he already knows everything! Driving the car, he already knows it all, about school, just everything. My experiences in life don't count until things go wrong and I was right after all. My son has two older brothers that are 10 yrs. and 8 yrs. older so he was born thinking he was their age and has always been old for his age. The older boys were much easier.

Martha - posted on 08/16/2009

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I too believe that negotiation is a workable solution. It also prepares them to work with other people outside the home. Flat out no's tend to shut the door so my rule of thumb is "does it cause harm to them or someone else" if yes then those are no's everything else is negotiable! They do learn from their mistakes! they do grow up!

Dawn - posted on 08/14/2009

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tough love is what im going for. i say "you dont have to like it but you do have to do it" but all went crazy with my 17 year old, he failed all his classes last semester and got himself in a tight spot with graduation. finally i saw that he would not easily be able to go to college so i took in to an army recruter and he went to basic training over this summer, soooo far i see alot of changes in his behavior and attitude from his letters. comes home the 28th so we will see if that did the trick.

good luck to you all

Dianne - posted on 08/13/2009

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I ask myself that everyday! I have twin boys turning 17 this month.I find I have to take each day as it comes and keep looking at the light at the end of the tunnel.lol.and also read the body language before talking to them....

[deleted account]

my boy is 14 and I relate to everyone especially the comment that it is uncomfortable to be disconnected from your child. My son is so strongwilled and stubborn and angry alot, he is just negative about everything and thinks he is so cool, smart, strong and good looking...I swore i would never have a egomaniac son and It's not working so far, lol, I hope like with my girls that time will help us to connect again.

Sabrina - posted on 08/13/2009

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I have gotten my 17 yr old son in with a very good therapist. Seems he was having some issues about growing up. I think it's really helped him in making better decisions. He gets along quite well with his therapist (he's a nice guy...not all stuffy and looking-down-his-nose at you). I would highly recommend finding someone like that to help with teens/growing up issues and all that fun stuff that comes along with adolescence.

Tammy - posted on 08/12/2009

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I wish i could help you but i am looking for the same magic to get my son to behave in a manner acceptable by society, I have a 19 yr old son and never went through anything like what my 16 yr old is doing, Styaing out and not coming home at all , Got expelled from school never allowed to go back and that was he third school. Smoking , drinking swearing getting into trouble with the law and just being out right rude, If there is a magic cure please share.

Katherine - posted on 08/12/2009

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I think they just grow out of it..Be patient and don't give up..I have had 4 of those teenagers in my house and my 19 year old is still in that phase... But they do get out of it...It takes a special parent to deal with it..
Wish you luck
Kathi

Holly - posted on 08/11/2009

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The key is to talk to him, not "at" him. I have two boys at home and about 150 in school. One of the biggest complaints from the ones who don't belong to me is that their parents don't listen, or that their mom doesn't listen. They feel that mom is the rule maker and won't budge. If you give a little and answer "what will you do for me if..." just like you do with your husband, they learn the art of negotation, which will come in handy sooner rather than later. They also learn that sometimes these 'stupid rules' really have a reason.

Alicia - posted on 08/10/2009

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I agree with annette johnson. you need to stand firm and show him who is the "boss". everyone may disagree, but letting the "parent guard" down because you want to be a friend to your child is a huge mistake. thats when the "disrespect" and talking back will begin. i am a very strict mother, and yes granted we may have one or two disputes but do they dare raise their voice at me NO. and if they want then we can discuss the problem. I have a 15 and 17 year old boys and i put a stop to it when my 17 year old tried that when he was 15. they are good kids and they will try to push my buttons but they do not dare argue with me.

Carri - posted on 08/10/2009

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17?.....I am experiencing that with my 15 year old...i've been trying not to feed into the insanity and trying to be as calm as a cucumber so the situation doesn't esclate....I feel like all we do is fight and it is really an uncomfortable feeling for a parent to feel disconnected from their child no matter what age.

Loretta - posted on 08/10/2009

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I have noticed that as my son has matured (or not) that he really wants to be heard and to have his opinions validated. he wants to be treated more as an adult and less as a child. that's not to say he is treated as an equal because he's not...he just wants to be heard and valued:) He will realize in a few years that he doesn't really know everything!

Rocio - posted on 08/10/2009

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Oh boy! I tell you, this is a difficult age for a guy. Stand your ground and be firm. Don't fall apart. I've found that my husband and I really needed to be on the same page. We had to learn to back each other up in front of him.

[deleted account]

I have one myself and the best way I have found is to make him agree that if I listen to what he wants to say then he has to listen to my reply. Then I listen to what he has to say completely then he listens to me. We actually endu up having a conversation after that instead of us both talking over the other one and him just closing me out.

Annette - posted on 08/08/2009

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Sweetie thats a good question. Even though his father is in the picture and contributes physically and financially they seem to me they don't want to see the picture until something bad hits them. I've been going through it with my 17yr-old now since he been 14. He gotten himself in a real stiff now but guess what, this time there's no more being nice mom anymore until I see he can show me responsibility and common sense. Buddy is getting a real bullheaded mom this time around and maybe he'll see it's time he straighten up and fly right. But I still love him.

Cheri - posted on 08/08/2009

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The bad news is...you don't. The good news is...they outgrow it. When my older son turned 19, most of the arguing turned into discussions. I also have a 16 soon to be 17 year old. I wish I knew half as much as he thinks he knows. lol

Terri (Teresa) - posted on 08/08/2009

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I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one having these issues. The arguing for every little thing and the "I don't have to listen" additude really gets old. Mine is 16 going on 30 and thinks he knows everything and I know nothing. Don't get me wrong he's a good boy, but there are days that we do not see eye to eye and those are the days I'm sure every mom wishes her son was 5 again.

I long for the days when we use to get along. The days when mommy knew best. Thanks for the insite.

Kelly - posted on 08/08/2009

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LOL...grin and bear it? our current teen boy is 14 and he is all over the place with arguing and bull headedness...our experience with older son (and also with my brothers) is that they actually do listen...u just don't find out until later in life...also the arguing is part of the developmental cycle...being caught in between child/teen and adult..trying to push their limits, test the waters, and figure out exactly who they are and where they belong.



Good luck with this!

Mona - posted on 08/08/2009

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I had a HUGE blowout with my 17yo last week. He was being so disrespectful and arogant - not usual behavior for him.

Later that night we had a one on one. I shared with him everything I was feeling. He apologized for his behavior - I for mine. We agreed to never let things so out of control.

Although he still has his "I-know-it-all" moments things haven't been too bad.

Maybe this is the phase all kids go through to make it easier to let them go... (smiles).

I'm sorry I don't have the magic potion - I'd use it too, believe me.

Thanks for posting. At least I know I'm not alone.

I wish you the best.

Mona - http://moremilestones.blogspot.com

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