How to handle a boy-crazy soon to be 16 year old step-daughter?

Serina - posted on 11/29/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I'm not sure quite how to handle our situation because I have different beliefs of what should be done than my husband at times... I have a soon to be 16 year old step-daughter who I believe is living in a fantasy world. She is telling people that she goes to school with that she believes she is pregnant by her 18 year old boyfriend and that they are going to get married on her birthday coming up in January. All of which is a complete fantasy I believe. We gave her a pregnancy test tonight to check and she is not pregnant and insists to us that she hasn't done anything. I just don't understand WHY anyone would want to start a rumor like that about themself.

Here is a little history on the situation: My husband and I began dating not long after his divorce from her mom when she was around 4 years old. Her mother has had NOTHING to do with her during this time, except for a few visits (by few I mean you definitely would only need one hand to count the visits), some phone calls/texts, and occasionally gifts (which by the way would always arrive late... supposedly lost in the mail). My husband and I married when she was about 10 years old. She was the sweetest, loving, caring child. Since the teenage years have hit though, it's like her head is spinning and she has totally changed her dimeaner.

Apparently, now, her biological mother is the best thing in her life, even though she has yet to make an effort to come see her daughter (it's been about 2 or 3 years since she came to visit her). She has said she even wants to go live with her mom which I think was just a manipulation attempt because after my husband spoke with her about it, she said to him "I'll stay if my boyfriend can come back over and my step-mom leaves." My husband and I are still together and the boyfriend is now allowed back over, but it does put such a strain on our relationship... How could it not?!!!

My stepdaughter asked her dad last night if she could go and visit her mom for Christmas. I worry that this would be a mistake, considering her mom is probably telling her anything and everything to try and get her to come stay with her. Heck, her mom is probably telling her that she can bring her boyfriend along and they can stay at her house together for all we know... We have not raised her to be premiscuous, but somehow I feel she is turning out to be just that... Maybe we were wrong in how we have raised her over the years, but hopefully one day she will realize it was only because we loved her so much and didn't want anything bad to happen to her.

Please help... any advice... critical or not... I want to hear what you have to say. Thanks!

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Valerie - posted on 11/29/2011

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I have to agree with what Sherre said... I don't know if it's really an attempt at manipulation saying she wants to live with her mom, but really the desire to have her "real" mom in her life. When a parent is absent like that, it does leave a loss for the child, and therefore could be her need for the attention she is seeking from the boyfriend, and even the things she is saying like she is pregnant, etc. Also, unfortunately, in today's world, many teens are pregnant and think it's the "cool" thing to do... she could have a friend who is pregnant and she wants to be like her?? Or maybe not even a friend, but someone she looks up to for whatever reason... it's hard in your position as the step-mom who has raised her as your own... and it's hard for her to accept her biological mother hasn't been there... it's just a hard situation all around! Hang in there... preach birth control and safe sex as much as possible!! I have twin 16 year olds that have both crossed that line now too.. I took them to the doctor and had them get a full physical, pap smear and all, and a full set of tests for all STD's, pregnancy, etc.. they weren't too thrilled about the pap smear and asked afterwards why they had to do that. I informed them that once you have had sex, you have crossed that line into needing those tests.. and to get used to it as it will now be a yearly occurance.. The doctor also talked to them each individually alone about how easy it is to contract STD's, and also how easy it is for boys/men to take advantage of them as they have had issues with drugs and alcohol as well... :-/ raising teenagers is no easy task... hang in there... when she gets through this, she will look back and know that it was you who was the "real" mom.... it may take until her 20's.. but it will happen!

Serina - posted on 11/29/2011

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Thanks Sherre! I have already taken the step back and it's all in her dad's hands, which I know he will make the best decisions he can on any issues that come up. Her dad has stepped up to the plate on this and made sure she knows he is available anytime she wants/needs him. I just wanted to vent my frustrations since I couldn't sleep this morning and I appreciate your advice on it.

Sherre - posted on 11/29/2011

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You may find that she is doing this because she has build up an imaginary Maternal mother in her mind, and suffice to say that there is nothing you can do at the moment that will satisfy your step daughter. To be honest i would allow her to go and spend time with her mother and let her find out if she is really what she has built her up to be. As the old saying goes the grass is always greener on the other side. May I suggest that you allow her to taste the other side. This promiscuous thing well it could be a cry for attention maybe she is craving daddy's attention but doesn't even realise it. My step daughter is now 21 and went thru a similar phase, which i might add is a very crude way to put what happened. But they need to learn for themselves we cant shield them forever. My son is in High School now and is getting pressure from all sides to have sex with is girl friend of 2 years. I take my hat of to the both of them as the pressure has not caused them to do something that neither a really ready for. But i cant say that it will continue to be that way. I suggest with your step daughter you take a step back allow your husband to deal with her regarding her natural mother and just be around to help pick up the pieces when her world comes crashing down and her natural mother turns out to be a bad apple.

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