Husband and 19 year old?

Na'keyshia - posted on 06/18/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I am in desperate need of some advice, my husband and teenage son does not get along. There is the constant yelling and screaming (mainly from my husband) in our home. My husband feels as if my teenage son does listen to him, when my husband ask him to do his chores or homework, my son either take his time or does not complete it at all. I recognizes the defiance on my son part and discipline as well afterwards the same thing happens all over again. Even though my son is not biologically his, you would not be able to tell, my husband has always been there for everything.My son is 19 years old now and is singing the same tune, I will finish high school, do my chores without being ask to and get a part time job, My son two days ago ask my husband why do we make go to Tae Kwon Do classes, and my husband replied, to give you structure that you need, which I agree but my son was still combative and my husband then told him if he did not want to follow the rules and regulation then he will have to leave and told my son to give him the house keys, he left and later that night my daughter his sister contacted him on facebook , she ask where was he and he replied do not worry about I am kicked out the house and deleted her as a friend, which in return hurt her. As worry mother in a new state I did not know what was going on with my son,previously he has talked about suicide . So I told my daughter to contact him again on facebook and tell him to come home. Well he came home later that day and it pissed my husband off because he ask him at the door why was he here and my son replied because Mom told me to come home, well that was not the answer my husband was looking for and he then turn to me and said this why you contact a man and tell him to come home because he have no remorse for anything, he spoil and feels like we need him he does not need us. Now I am stuck because I truly love both of them and I understand where my husband is coming from because he is spoil(thanks to my mom, he has been living with her on and off for a few years) now she is like this your problem deal with it or send him to her.This is the problem he always get bail out and continues to do the same thing. My husband and I are on the verge of getting a divorce as of today.I do not know what to do, I will feel bad kicking him out, then again if he goes to live with his grandmother then she will automatically have the attitude you are choosing your husband over your son, which is definitely not the case, I am just tired with two other children and it seems like I am giving most of my attention to my 19 year old and my husband battle. My son does not want any counseling and just told my husband that he does not want to be around, he just wants to talk to me. Do any one have any advice?

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√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/19/2011

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There are more problems here than I think maybe you realize? Just the fact your husband kicked your son out and you asked your son to come home is a HUGE issue. You two should have agreed on a course of action together before reacting to your son.

So, why didn't you talk to your husband about it before just telling your son to come home? Did your husband ask you before kicking your son out in the first place? You and your husband need to work together and that is what is breaking up your marriage more than anything. The fact you guys aren't. You should be fighting in private over all of this. Not reacting however you want with your son as a pinball inbetween you two.

No wonder he's confused. He's getting the full brunt of all of you and your husbands bickering. Think how badly your marital state is in right now, as you say it is falling apart, right? Well now think of how your son feels being in the middle of it and a pseudo 'cause' of it all? That's so mean and unfair.

There are problems that should have been taken care of and addressed a long time ago. Because now your son is 19, he's a full grown adult, and has a lot of issues. He obveiously has no direction and he doesn't even know if he can count on you as his mother because you fight over him with his step dad. That's aweful.

Whatever you do, pick something and stay with it is my advice. Whether you try tough love and work on your marriage, or choose to take care of your son and try to nurture him to find direction in his life............ you have to make that choice. It's not easy.

I personally wouldn't abandon my kid, period. I'd ask my husband to go to marriage counseling and come to a mutual agreement on what to do about your son. He should either be working and paying rent at his age (which may take while with this crappy economy) or going to school and then off college. I would try this first. Setting good ground rules in the house and sticking to them. However, if he doesn't want to do martial arts, he's old enough, he shouldn't have to. He's not going to gain anything from it being forced upon him. He'll just resent you and his dad for it.

Ask your husband to work with you and you son before just giving up on the idea that your son can function with you guys in your life. Good luck

Wendy - posted on 06/19/2011

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i am in the same situation w/ my 18 yr old son. husband is not father. My son could learn alot of working skills and work ethic from my husband but son is too closed minded and has no interest. son breaks rule of no drugs (pot) in the house or on property. second time getting kicked out. he stays w/ friends that share same interest, drinking , pot, music. son just graduated from high school, we gave him a party. it was well attended. son took the money and went on a road trip w/ friends instead of buying the car from us that we would have given him, had he not wrecked it twice. we ask that he pay $500. for repairs that my husband worked to fix it and he can have it. he didn't take our advice. when he comes back from the road trip he will come and get his belongings and live w/ peers. he took a leave of absents from his part time job to go on the road trip. it will be interesting how this turns out. but he can't come back here. i will support his college education in the fall for him but he must make good grades. i don't feel he is ready to be on his own but they have to start somewhere. tough love!

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