I don't want them to be friends.

Kathryn - posted on 09/15/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My daughter is almost 15. She has been classmates with a guy since kindergarten (5 years old). He has for the past few years been hanging with the wrong crowd of people. How do i stop the friendship before he influences her into his lifestyle. (he was put out of his parents house and lives with neighbors who are known to party, do drugs, and drink). I'm afraid that as she gets older and is given more freedom (car, etc.) she will start hanging out with him without my knowledge. She already hangs with him at school and I don't like it. What can I do? I know if I forbid her to ever talk to him again she will only rebel and want to hang with him more. What can I tell her or teach her to influence her not to be such good friends with him?

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Getina LeShae - posted on 09/27/2010

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Hi, I'm Shae...I think it's better to be pro-active than re-active from the start. You should, as her mother, continue to express nothing more or less than the truth to your daughter. My 13 year old had a friend I didn't want her around. This girl had been moved around from school to school up north. Her mother sent her to live with her dad & he can't do anything with her either. I noticed that my daughter was acting out of character. She's normally easy going, quiet & respectful, but began to be angry, irritable, impatient, rolling eyes, etc. We went to open house at the school & I had the chance to see the person behind the negative change in my kid. They had 4 classes together. I spoke to my daughter about how bad friends, bad attitudes, & disrespect to adults can make even the prettiest person look ugly. I let her know that I understood why her behavior changed...it was because of the company she was keeping. I told her that her friend was on the wrong path & not to take on this girl's bad character as her own. I said, "If anything you continue to be positive, sweet & well-mannered in hopes of your friend catching on & changing for the better to be like you." Yesterday she came home saying she doesn't like hanging with the girl anymore because she's annoying, rude to others, & always in trouble. Then I had to tell my daughter, "since you see & know this for yourself don't mistreat the girl, but separate yourself from her." So just stand your ground & be the mother she needs. We are mothers & we have a job to do. We have to protect our children from anything & anybody that's not beneficial to their success. It won't make you the "popular, cool mom" but trust me your daughter will appreciate it in the long run...children need parents & part of parenting is teaching them discipline not being their friend! They need to know how to carry themselves & choose what's right when mom or dad isn't around..just simply be her MOM not her FRIEND! There is a difference! Tell her what I tell my 4 daughters..." I'm not your friend, I'm your mother...if you continue to do right & choose the right friends you'll be fine...you might lose some friends along the way, but then & only then will I be the friend you need until then I'm mom & it's my greatest desire to raise you right & see you grow up to be a productive, respected, & loved young woman. I love you too much to watch you or allow anyone else to help, lead, or watch you throw your life away!" She wrote a paper in school saying the person that is her greatest inspiration is: ME...her mother! So again, it will pay off if you just be MOM!

Cole64 - posted on 09/22/2010

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you can put a restriction oreder!!!!. that is the best, try to change your daugther from school, talk in the school about the problem. They can help. and if you can not do nothing, try to move to another neighbohood. Better soon that later.

Sherry - posted on 09/20/2010

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You are right - you cant tell her no because she will rebel; however, you are her mother. If you have a good open relationship it should be really easy to talk to her and at least see where her mind is on the subject of her friend. When my daughter was 10 yrs old she was friends with a girl at school who was a really bad influence on her. They were getting in trouble - detentions - and her grades were slipping. What could i do - they are going to school together. My daughter asked me if she could go to this girls house to stay - this girl stayed ALONE after school for a couple of hours until her parents got home - well as the mother i told her no i cant allow it because its illegal!!! Anyways i said to her one day " hey maybe its just me but it seems like every time you hang out with this girl youre getting into trouble and your grades are slipping, i dont know like i said maybe its just me and i am seeing it wrong" She said " hmm i never thought about it mom but maybe - we'll see" A month later she came to tell me i was right ( of course i was ecstatic!!!) but asked what about - she said she noticed that for two weeks when she was friends with this girl she was getting into trouble and her grades slipped but the past couple of weeks she stopped talking to her and everything was better - then she told me that she didnt trust this girl at all anyways and felt that if she were a good friend she should be able to trust her - she made the decision on her own not to hang out with this girl - I was happy and knew i was doing a good job with her!! Have more faith in yourself. She is probably going to be just fine being friends with this guy - i mean she hasnt gotten into trouble yet and shes known him forever right? If he hasnt influenced her yet it probably wont happen - unless she is easily influenced?

Angie - posted on 09/20/2010

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Make it clear to her that she deserves better than a friend who doesn't treat himself well. Remind her that if he isn't good to himself, he won't be go to anyone else. Other than that, all you can do is keep her busy with fun activities so that she doesn't have time to spend with him.

Zatonda - posted on 09/19/2010

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I don't judge my kids friends, Now if she is trying to date him that's something else. Most likely if any of my kids had a friend that long I know the history of the family. My 18 had some friends going in the wrong direction, but I couldn't put the blame all on the kid if the parents are leaving them to raise theirself, I never stop them from coming over unless they went against my rules in my house. I would like to tell you if she is smart and you raised her right she will be his friend but that don't mean she will follow his path. You could talk to her and tell her your concerns and go from there, if you find him being a problem then it would be best for you to address him.

Angela - posted on 09/19/2010

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You dont stop it !!! I mean that would be teaching her to judge people or only be friends with people that you or her put conditions on .... Trust that she wont go down the wrong path and if you feel that she may keep talking to her about the consequences of bad choices !!!! To be honest I am not too fond of most of my daughters friends only 5 i truly trust and care for and trust me she has many friends one of the most popular kids in the neighborhood and in her school but I believe in her and know that she is not going down the wrong path she has goals for herself but doesnt judge her friends for what they do !

Ellen - posted on 09/17/2010

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I agree with Tracey. Do, however, feel free to express your opinion about her friend, but if you try to come between their friendship you will only be pushing her farther into the friendship instead of breaking it up.

Taunya - posted on 09/16/2010

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You can't stop her from talking to him at school, of course. BUT you are the mom and you can let her know that you feel he is not a good influance on her and you will not allow her to hang out with him. Usually at this age if they can't hang out, outside of school they will eventually grow about. especially if they hang out in differant groups.

Ann - posted on 09/16/2010

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ok gotta say....almost15? Who is in charge here? Parenting isn't for whimps. Not everyone can do it. I am currently in the same situation with my 15 yr old but the friend is a female. This girl joined a "gang" this summer and just got in big trouble at school. Look, it starts with being honest and up front about how you feel. Point out to your daughter teh path he has decided to take and the consequences for his actions. Remind her of how this could be a very bad situation for her if she also choses to take his path. Ask her to help influence him in a ositive way and LIMIT the time together with him out of school. Steer her more towards other friends and keep her close to you. Be consistent, be firm,and at 14 and 15 PARENTS CAN STILL have a very powerful influence and SHOULD HAVE on the kids. At 14 (or 15), she does NOT have the mental maturity to make the correct calls because they can't necessarily see that far into the future. Be there for her. Keep communications open, but be firm and insist that you know where she is. If she lies, you ahve to have firm punichment to prevent this from becoming a much bigger issue later.

Tracey - posted on 09/16/2010

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You can't stop her being friends with him if they go to school together. My daughter has a friend like this and rather than going down the path following her behaviour my daughter is more like an agony aunt who just listens to her problems and tells her to stop behaving like an idiot.
Give your daughter more credit - maybe she will be a good influence on him.

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