i dont dare speak these words to anyone in my family....

Rachel - posted on 01/05/2010 ( 121 moms have responded )

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because i know the thought may be in the back of their minds. But i need to give a voice to this horrible feeling i have inside. My 15 r old daughter is making some decisions that may very well cost her her life. And i find myself chasing away intrusive thoughts about how im gonna handle losing her. I lost my mom when i was two....she was raped, beaten, murdered and left in a field while walking home from a party. So that fear is soo ingrained in me from the start of my life. And as a teen, i put myself in way too many situations where i could have ended up just like my mom. Now i watch my daughter doing the same stupid shit and i find myself dealing with the ridiculous thoughts of what im gonna do if she never comes home one of these times. Its like watching a car crash in slow motion and not being able to stop it.

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Toni - posted on 01/06/2010

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Rachel, first things first. Have you called the police to report her missing? She is only 15 yrs old, you have the right to bring her home. Second, you need to get into therapy. Check in your city there should be a family counseling center that can help you, and probably not cost you anything (Family advocacy center). Third, this is the hard one - grab a hold of your daughter and tell her you love her. I mean look her into her eyes and tell her you love her. Then tell her you will fight tooth and nail to keep her safe. Rachel this is your job, you need to back it up. This is your daughter, she is only 15 and you need to take control of your life and hers until she can show responsibility to control her own life. Kids learn from what they see, I would bet your life is a little out of control, so sweetie, it's time to clean house and do what you have to do. Remember Rachel YOU are your child's only Advocate...only you. Rachel your mother wasn't physically there to protect you, but it sounds like she watched over you and kept you safe. Now, it is your turn to do the same for you daughter. Put God first in your life and then move forward, you will be amazed at the miracles. Good luck and God bless.

Stephanie - posted on 01/08/2010

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I was the 15 year old daughter. By 15 I smoked Cigs and weed occasionally. I ran away from home, skipped school, and eventually just left. She reported me missing several times and the police even brought me home, but it did not change the fact that once I knew she did not have control anymore, I DID. I partied for weeks sometimees doing other drugs. The best thing my mother did for me was always tell me she would love me no matter what and educating me on not just the damgers but on everything. We spoke about all types of drugs, how they would make you feel and how to recognise what was to much. We spoke about alcohol, how it felt to over indulge or have a hangover. Over the years when I came to situations where I was faced with different drugs I did not have as much curiosity. I still did most of them but knew what to expect and when to stop. We spoke about sex and she always had a box of condoms in the kitchen drawer (which she replaced when thy were gone). Most of the time it was not even me using them it was my friends who did not have access to them, she never asked any questions. I knew she was always there and just feling loved gave me more reespect for myself than some of the other girls I knew. After it got really bad my dad found a cheap apartment and rented it in his name, then gave em the keys. Atleast then he knew I was not on the street. My mother dropped groceries on the porch from time to time but I think she was afraid to see what I was doing.

I am now 32. I am in university doing a double degree in nursing and midwifery. I know I did not do the right thing with my life but there is NO way you could have changed my mind then. I always said "it not going to happen to me" and I recognise that it could have been me, however no matter who told me (counselors inpatient ones and outpatient, Drs, nurses or pople who had been through it) I would not have changed my lifestyle then. I just wanted to be in control.

Just please tell her you LOVE her as many chance as you can and EDUCATE her. Judgement from family was the worst feeling I ever felt but did not change anything.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Rachel - posted on 01/07/2010

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this is not new behavior for Tisha. it started when she was 13. For two years we went through hell. I spent many many nights walking & driving the streets looking for her. I was nose to nose with men (convicted felons even) who were giving her drugs, beating her up & raping her. She has come home twice with bruised fingerprints around her neck from these predators. I had her arrested, called her in as a runaway every time, sent cops to search her friends house, put restraining orders on her last boyfriend, sent her to juvie over and over again, sent her to a teen shelter, sent her to a six month inpatient program, invited the court appointed counselors to do weekly sessions IN OUR HOME, had her in individual counseling, had cps do an evaluation.....the list goes on and on for two years. I also have two other children (16 & 2). During this battle with Tisha her older sis became severely depressed and began having suicidal thoughts and cutting herself. My two year old was two young to know what was going on,but the stress affected him the same. And i myself was on the verge of being hospitalized for depression & anxiety. It was at that point i committed her to a treatment center 100 miles from home. I made a committment to my other children that i would not let Tisha's actions affect them to that degree anymore. And i made a committment to myself because i am a single mother with no family to help me. If i let Tisha drive me crazy there will be no one to take care of the other two. I have talked till im blue in the face and listened till my ears rang and now i am pulling back. I love her dearly, and i tell her that every day. She is still not home today, but i have talked to her on the phone & i know she's okay. The ball is in her court. I will support her healthy decisions, but will no longer enable her. When she walked out my house Monday i told her to find her own way home. I will not get out of bed at midnight anymore and leave my other two kids home alone to go pick her up from her partying. She called last night "i dont have a way home".....and my answer was "that sucks". That may sound cold hearted, but she needs to fall on her face without mommy rushing in to save her. She needs to bring herself home on her own and it might be better for her if she has to struggle to get home. She does not respect anything that is given to her. I keep hearing "tough love" and thats a tough thing to do considering ive always been the parent to cater to her to an extreme. She's always got her way because she's kicked & screamed till we cave in. She is spoiled, demanding and self centered and that is all my fault i realize that. I am now muddling thru this trying to figure out what works with her and throwing out what hasnt worked. Its a mess i know, and i will NEVER give up on her. just trying to figure out what it is exactly that she will respond to.

Lori - posted on 01/06/2010

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Rachel, a lot of moms are 'girl scouts' in their minds - mentally preparing themselves for the absolute worst thing that could happen, while simultaneously praying like crazy that it will never come to pass. And, just like you, afraid to name that demon, for fear of giving it it's power.........so please, first, know that you are not alone...........

I have a 15 year old daughter, and I know all about looking at her and seeing myself, and being afraid that she will make the same poor decisions or out-and-out mistakes. Bottom line - she is an individual, separate from you, over which you have no control, and (right now) limited influence.

But what little influence you have - USE IT. Talk to her. Tell her everything you went through, if she doesn't already know. She is past the point of needing to be 'protected' from this, and needs to see you as a whole, flawed person, just like all the rest of us, and not JUST as her mom. Tell her how scared you are for her. BEG her, if you have to, to PLEASE, PLEASE learn from your mistakes and experiences so that you don't have to watch her go through the heartache of suffering them herself - or worse, losing her life, and having you suffer that.

And continue to pray. Pray and pray and pray - mantras and mantras, all the time, over and over. And get in contact with people who can help pray with you. I, personally, don't attend a church, but I believe whole-heartedly in the power of a group of people uniting in prayer for the collective good, and that it WORKS. Seen it over and over...... and I will pray that it works for you as well.

Big hugs - both for what you have suffered in the past, and for strength to walk ahead and face your future, and hers, with peace of mind.

Nikki - posted on 02/20/2010

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Contact the local police dept and ask if they have a scared straight program. See if the morgue has a program. There are programs that you can take her to that will scare her! I am sorry you are going through this. My 15 year old son is doing the same thing and my husband is a funeral director and our worst fear is that our son will wind up at the funeral home. When our son ran away a few weeks ago and we called the sheriffs dept, had our son picked up in hand cuffs. He was then searched for drugs and tested. He was humiliated! We then took him phone away and put him on a very strict, closely monitored routine. We want him to learn that we run this house and we make the rules. He is not allowed to go anywhere at anytime without us.

I am sorry about your mother and sorry your going through this. stay strong.

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Carolyn - posted on 09/04/2012

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Rachel

forgive me if it seems I' m coming down on you, but you have a real insight on the horrors that can happen and you need to fight with your daughter for her safety. While you are home wondering if she is safe you could be stomping pavement looking for her, and when you find her and she's strung out, you bring her to the hospital or to the police. Because of your mothers fate and your experiences you must have a ZERO tolerance for her behavior because your un-action is condoning it. Do not sit there and PRAY for her safety...ENFORCE IT! Dont watch the car crash, jump behind the wheel! And if you must pray, ask for some parenting skills. It's like you've already resigned yourself to her fate and the regret you will feel will crush you.

Best of luck to you, sincerely.

Veronica - posted on 12/26/2011

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Wow, you have a very sad history. So sorry to hear about such awful stuff happening to you and your family. :( I'd suggest some sort of counseling, where she has someone to talk to. Maybe even better would to institute a 'Mom and daughter' night where you watch a movie together, or just sit and talk over sweets and cocoa or something. Yea, that's a bit Pollyanna, but I think all us women can say that no matter how defiant or hormonal we could be when it came to our parents, having alone-time with our moms was precious and something we'd honestly enjoyed. Make time with her, let her talk, let her know she CAN talk to you. And talk back. A lot of demons and problems can start to iron out with just a quiet night of being together. Good luck.

Penny - posted on 12/20/2011

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My first thoughts as well, have you called the police. They may be able to direct you to resouces in your community to help guide you during this time and find your daughter support as well.

Gina - posted on 12/08/2011

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I would be as agressive as I can, 15 years old is not an adult and you have ultimate control over her lifestyle. She cannot do anything you do not allow. There are extreme actions to everything, my advice would be to start getting extreme. It sounds as though you are giving up on her when she needs you most. She needs her mom to step in and guide her in the right direction. Be the mom you needed at the time you were going through this. Good luck.

Dee - posted on 12/08/2011

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I insisted on dropping off and picking up with my daughter, it isn't fair to not let them go out and participate with their group of friends, so I always was available to take her and pick her up or pay for a cab fare. I openly communicated with her about my fears, talked to her about things that have happened to other girls etc and negotiated that she could go with the above rules being followed as well she had to always answer my phone calls when she was out and let me know if she was going somewhere else just so I knew where she was just incase something did happen I could find her. This seemed to work well with her and I also did the same thing with my son. I always made an open house policy (within reason) so her friends could come over, turn the music up and party at my house, so I got to know there friends well and I established a good relationship with all of there friends & they respected my husband & I and we often spent nights dancing with our kids friends at our house and they all had a ball. We open had parties of up to 80 teenagers at our house, we may have put ourselves out a little, but at least I knew where my kids were, who they hanging out with and they are not embarrassed by us because we made the most of those nights and made sure we enjoyed ourselves with them. I often have had phone calls from my kids or their friends if they have ever been in a situation that they are worried about because I have built up that relationship and trust with them. My kids are 20 & 18 years now.

Christine - posted on 11/17/2011

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Talk to her and relay your story to her. Then keep her in prayer daily, If you are a prayer, keep covering her in the blood of Jesus and pray his mercy over her. Pray her guardians angels remain around her and cover her.

Brook - posted on 11/13/2011

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It seems like you have already gotten a fair amount of good advice so the only thing I have to add is it may be helpful to reflect on any parenting mistakes you may have made. I say this because we all make them and there is room for healing there. I have found that being honest with my child (at any age) about my imperfections helps. I will also apologize in order to offer more respect to her as a person. Then I may go and see if there is anything I can do to make it right but if not, I will attempt to gain more understanding into my own behavior. Usually, I offer 2 or 3 apologies each year because she deserves it. It also teaches her to treat others the same way. I hope that is helpful.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/03/2011

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It sounds like a very combative relationship based on your second post, which is the usual reaction a parent has to this kind of wild behavior. I am not sure I think 'tough love' is ever a good idea, but I do think you're on the right track in rethinking your approach. Instead of thinking of it as a battle, I would try to figure out how to express your concern, firmly but non-judgmentally, while finding out what the hell this girl is running from with her self destructive behavior. People don't destroy themselves for the fun of it, something is eating her up inside. Like I was told by a good friend who raised her kids long before I did...when yelling doesn't work, try a whisper.

Valerie - posted on 06/03/2011

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Hello! Yes, I have twin 15 year old girls on the path of destruction! My worst fears are that they end up raped and/or murdered as they put themselvesin harms way constantly.. I do call the police on them whenever they are doing something illegal.. not that they do to much other than either bring them home if they find them when they run away, or just write a report.. but they have referred me to some great programs- I have had my girls in in-patient and out-patient adolescent drug rehab for over a year, counseling (which we need to get back in to), and programs through the local police department for teens.. I am also signed up for a program called "The Parent Project" I was referred by a woman who works at my local police department and deals with teens like this all day long.. where I go to the partent side and they go to the teen side.. that starts June 22.. There are a TON or resources out there.. but you have to reach out to find them. The police can give you the best resources to try to help you and your child. Good luck! If you would like to chat in private, please feel free to find me on facebook or through here! It's a long hard road... but I am determined to make it! Love Valerie~~

Patricia - posted on 03/03/2010

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Have you sat down and talked about this with your daughter? Does she know that so much has changed since your mother past? She needs to know that she can not trust just anybody and that as her mother, you fear for her life...and want her around for a long time? This is a tough age...especially with girls. Every child needs to feel as though they fit in some where, but it's where they chose to fit in that sometimes ends up being WRONG...I would have a real heart to heart with her...

Shirley - posted on 03/01/2010

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I am so sorry. you never get over loosing your mom. as daughters we tend to recycle our parents life. she's doing the same you did, as your mom did,. I'd look back on your life to where your daughter is now and ask the question..how could I have made a different choice. What in my life at that point drove me to do the things I did.and you may or may not have some answers, but you will have a much better understanding of where she is, and how to help her down a better path.

my prayers are with you.

User - posted on 02/21/2010

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just have a few questions for now if you don't mind? for one, what happened to the good ole fashione putting your foot down? secondly, what happened at some point in her life to cause her to make the choices she is making? you mentioned a rape? did she get help with that? did you ever get help [and I mean real help] with yours? there are a lot of dynamics going on here that need serious intervention with all of you. but please stay away from child services! they just make matters worse. if I knew you locale, I could hook you up with someone who can help you and your family. don't give up--on you or her.

Cheraki - posted on 02/20/2010

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Here's somethings you could try. Call the morgue.. I know most parents cringe at that idea.. Anyway... Talk to them and let them know your fears and see if they will allow you to take your daughter on a field trip to the morgue to view a teenager who was on the track she's on now. Let her see the out come of those actions.. Another thing you can do is to let her talk to parents who have lost thier child(ren) to destructive behavior. So she can see the outcome of the behavior on all angles..



Like others have said be completly open and honest with her no matter how great the pain is for you.... I had to do that with my children discuss things that in my mind I thought should remain private... but in me opening up to them and telling them things I had been through and the pain I felt it in turn made us closer..

Always reassure her and let her know you are always there for her.



Good Luck and Best Wishes!

Edit: My daughter suggested http://www.ryanpatrickhalligan.org

[deleted account]

What sorts of restrictions do you have in place for her? Kids need (and secretly want) boundaries.

Nancy - posted on 02/19/2010

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What is she doing?

I have 4 daughters.Its long story.One is 20,one is 14,than 7 and 3.

My 20 yr old was from my first husband,I remarreid.Lots of issues came up,drama,etc..

My 20 yr old made some bad choices with drugs,alchohol and it worries me dearly.

its a topic that voodoo and many parents choose not to talk about it or say not my kid.

Anyways,She is in florida now,has a baby,and I'm still worryin about her.I worry that it may cost her life.She is with the babies father,who is a normal nice guy...thankfully;)

If u have questions,or want to go into detail..find me:) LoL..good luck!

Coty - posted on 02/17/2010

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Just be open, honest, understanding with her. When engaing in conversation with her remember what it was like to be a teenager. That helps. All you can do is listen and give her the best advice, guidance and love that you can. I would consider getting her involved in activities with you or another strong influence in her life. Spend quality time together even if its walking through the mall, getting a coffee, soda and chatting at a local cafe', anything like that. Kids/teens want to know that you care. Give her privacy though, obviously if shes doing something that will hurt her than intervention should be brought in. Hope this all makes sense and helps. Best of luck from a mother of a 13yr old and a 11yr old girls...

Lydia - posted on 02/17/2010

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For a moment, focus not on your daughter whom you had tried and done so much for. You need help yourself. To be healed of past experiences, to be strengthened so that you can move on. Your daughter is an individual with a freewill to choose and make decisions for herself. Commit her to God, show her your love and acceptance but at the same time she has to be responsible for her own actions. If she has to learn things the hard way, you cant stop it. Get help from the church. Before you break down. Take care

Tess - posted on 02/14/2010

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Hi darl,

Talk to your Daughter let her know how your feeling and why, you didn't mention if you have told your daughter about what happened to your mum.... if you haven't then you need to, if you have then she will understand eventually why you feel this way.... I'm not saying it's going to be easy, she may turn around and tell you that your imagining things and shes not going to end up like you or your mum, this is just because she's being defensive don't take it to heart she will talk to her friends and they will help her sort it out in her own head. she will understand.

I was abused as a kid by my stepfather, when my daughter got to the age I was when it happened to me everything that I knew I had taught her went out the window. as a baby I started talking to her about who can and can not touch her and what was good and bad, I know most mothers do this but I went over the edge as I didn't want what happened to me to happen to her. Ive raised her to the point that she says what on her mind weather people like it or not, but that didn't help when she turned of age, I still had thoughts and feelings and nightmares and I even got suspicious of my husband because of it. You can not let the fear in you take control you have to try and let it go, not only for the relationship you have with your daughter but also for your own sanity.

Lyn - posted on 02/11/2010

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You know the only comfort I take is that I survived the really stupid and dangerous and embarrassing things that I did and the odds are (despite your personal tragedy of your mother) that she also will survive

Glynis - posted on 02/11/2010

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Hard as it is you need to start trusting her, trust and respect go hand in hand and when she starts to respect your ideas and experiencies more she may start to listen to you more...in the mean time you need to deal with your own past and lay a few demons to rest. Have you ever tried fully opening up to anyone? Good Luck.

Amber - posted on 02/10/2010

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I read your second post Rachel and you sound like you have tried most things to help your daughter. I'm not sure how many others read it but by the sounds of it apart from death she has already experienced a lot and that has not stopped her from the destructive behavior that she is displaying. I think all you can do now is let her know that you are there for her when she is ready. But you do have two other children to worry about and your 15yo actions are having implications on them.
I can't say I know how you feel, but I know this must be heart wrenching.
Are you seeing a counselor for yourself?
Stay strong for YOURSELF and your 3 kids.

Pam - posted on 02/07/2010

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I agree with Angie when she says to be open with your daughter about the risks she is taking and to pray like crazy, but here is another idea. Sign up to take a self defense class together. RAD (Rape Aggression Defense) is a great way for women to learn how to protect themselves without using weapons. Check with local law enforcement agencies or the internet to find locations. It's very empowering and it might help you to feel more confident in her safety (and yours)when she is not with you.

Melissa - posted on 02/07/2010

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As I read thru these post, I know that there are other mothers going thru the same problems. I have an eighteen year old that has gave me some of the same issues as you have been going thru. A year ago she was a senior in school and the day she turned 18, was the day she rebelled against everything I had to say. She had a boyfriend and his mother who was encouraging her against me. He also was getting her involved with drugs and alcohol. I did everything I knew to do. I cussed, talked, begged, pleaded, grounded from phone(since I was paying for it) thru fits, kicked her out of the house (hardest thing to ever do). I felt alone, betrayed, and unloved from a child that I had raised by myself since she was 2. I had no one who I could talk to that experienced the same issues as I. I can say now she is somewhat better than before. After a wreck in September, that got her life-flighted out with head trauma, from being drunk, I thought I had lost her when the police showed up at the door. I told myself then if God would let her live, I would try my best to get her help and make things work between us. I can honestly say I never disrepected my parents in a way that she has. I wish there would be easy answers for you. Just pray and pray. I hope things get better for you and her. I hope that she opens her eyes and see the pain this causes. I know tough love is hard. Everyone would tell me to give her tough love, but that is easier said than done. I will pray for you and your family.

Tami - posted on 02/07/2010

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Take your daughter out for a mother daughter day and be honest with her. Tell her why your worried, and share your own mistakes. Let her know you love her and want to help. Let her open up to you without making her feel like your being judgemental. It won't be easy. I have an 18 year old son, and I had to "hold him hostage" by driving around on the freeway for half a day just to get him to talk to me. He was suprised when I didn't get angry with him for some of the things he told me he was doing.

Val - posted on 02/04/2010

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Rachael, I am so sorry to hear your story!! But what you have already been through in life, you are astrong strong woman!! Dont ever doubt yourself as you have already proven you can do and get through anything!!! God bless you and you are in my prayers along with your daughter. Cant really give advice due to my 18 year old daughter left 2 months ago and has completely lost her mind.

Annmarie - posted on 01/24/2010

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Talk to her again about your past history, tell her you are concerned and if she does not stop what she is doing you will have to intervene and "lock her down" until she can respect your rules and keep herself safe. She is only 15 she needs guidance! Guide her or you can guarantee the senario you fear will be the one you are faced with.
Good Luck and be strong.

Michelle - posted on 01/21/2010

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Have you thought about bringing her home to homeschool! I am a homeschool mom for 5 years and it seems to work against all the outside pollution of those unwanted friends or anything else undesirable. My son is the normal 13 yr old, but he has a better respect for his friends and family. I was a VERY rowdy teenager, I am still to this day not sure how my parents survived me through school and getting out. What I do know, is that my parents were very strict and in turn I rebelled and did more. . BUT, if my parents had homeschooled and gotten me away from all those friends that were inspiring me to do all the things I shouldn't, I may not have had such a hard life or them. I came out stronger and ahead, but I never want my child to go through what I did. Until my son is 18 and supporting himself, then I am responsible for him, not his friends! You may find you can become mother/daughter again! good luk

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First Rachel...take a breath. You are emotionally overwhelmed (understandably). With the untimely death of your mom...and your own life experiences...it is truly understandable that you can see where your daughter is headed...and want to jump in and save your daughter. That's what moms do.



I don't know if this will help...but in the past...I made a contract w/my daughter of things that I needed from her (for my own sanity) and things she needed from me. We wrote the contract together so that we were both in agreement w/it. We had to meet half way with eachother. Maybe you and your daughter can do the same. Perhaps your end will say something like...I must meet your friends before you can go out w/them. I don't know if she drinks or not...but if she does...maybe you can make some type of agreement about that. Like she talks w/you about WHY she drinks, or make a contract that she doesn't hang out w/kids who drink. I'm just throwing out stuff. But maybe this will help the communication between you two, so that you don't have those haunting thoughts!



Once done w/that...get some Counseling. Your daughter may open up to someone ELSE better than you. It's okay to need a professional help when we can't handle things. I was going to send my daughter away at one point...until she got herself together. It was hard...but I knew at that time that I needed some EXTRA help. She decided life at home wasn't so bad...and she didn't want to be separated from us. We ended up not needed to send her to that teenage girl home...but maybe that is something you may want to look into

Amy - posted on 01/21/2010

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You don't really want to know what to do you just want to vent and talk about it. Toni Baker gave you the best advice that I have heard or seen on this blog. You and your daughter need counseling. Vent to a family therapist. Your insurances will usually pay for it and if not they have some that work on a sliding scale. Make the call to help your self and your daughter. Venting and talking about it to any one who will listen will not fix it. Talking to your daughter will not fix it. You need to get control of your self and your emotions, and then hers. Talk to someone who can really help.

GAYLE - posted on 01/19/2010

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I think you need to be honest with your daughter and tell her how you are feeling. Tell her about your mum, I know it won't be easy but as her mother you need to do everything in your power to stop any harm coming to her. How you approach her may be the key to how she reacts as if you force her to listen she will just ignore you but if you take things easy then that may help. Take her for a coffee/tea and explain how you are feeling and why. You never know she may listen and if she doesn't you could try to write it down so she can read it in her own time. She needs to know that you are only protecting her because you love her. Ask her to look at it from your point of view.

Kim - posted on 01/18/2010

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Raising teenagers is NO FUN AT ALL! BUt try to sit down and tell her about your bad feelings. Maybe she will listen and take them into consideration.. GOOD LUCK!!

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Wow, you got alot of advice :) Doesn't it feel great to know others have been there and /or are there & are so willing to share their experiences. I am so sorry to hear about the tragedy that befell you as a child. Hi, my name is vanessa. I have 4 kids, 20,18,16 and my wonderful surprise package ....5. I have had the same feelings of death about all my kids. I am a very "religious" woman. I know and have experienced the power of prayer (to the one true and Living God, Jesus Christ) in my own life and my children's life. I want to share some spiritual things; hopefully some "understanding." I will keep it short and simple k? Just cause... I have a tnedancy to ramble. Fear is a spirit, It comes and torments and torments and torments. But Jesus came to take away that fear and fill us with his assurance of protection (even over our children). One particular week, I was in fear so terrible bad I was afraid to leave any of my kids alone for fear that something awful would happen and I would not be there to defuse/divert or save! I finally told my husband and he prayed with me about it. Told the spirit of fear he had no authority in our lives because we were children of the Most High God and in place of the fear we spoke in blessings and God's promises. Father God stood in front of me, place his left hand on my right shoulder and said " I love those kids even more than you" I saw the love in his eyes and I was immediately filled with his Peace and assurance of He is lookin' out for my kids even when I'm not there. If you would like to have the same peace of mind and assurance of heart I have sent you a little daily devotional about who God is! Feel free to clic on it and brouse around. Jesus is alive and his holy Spirit is waiting for you to ask questions so he can answer in truth. yes even about raising kids. :) I ask Him all the time, and He does answer. I will keep you and your daughter and her safety in my prayers. I believe God will do exceeding above and beyond all that you can even imagine for your family. :) Because thats the kind of God he is :) Bless ya.
http://www.ccci.org/how-to-know-god/woul...

Elizabeth - posted on 01/18/2010

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You can "talk" to kids till you're blue in the face. It doesn't make a difference. If the child doesn't see for themselves what is going on, then they won't see and you can't MAKE them see it. They will continue to act out and cause problems. The only thing you can do is step back. Let them fall on their face and pick themselves up.
Let you daughter know "that's so sad.. your stuck at the party and don't have a way home. I know it was your choice to go there, and I'm sure you can make it home safely" Be empathetic but put it back in her court. letting her know you have the believe she will succeed.

Shannon - posted on 01/18/2010

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Talk to your daughter. Tell her the stories. Talk to her about the issues you hear in the news, about kids being date raped, murdered, stalked. Get her mind on the consequences of wrong decisions. Enroll her in self defense classes, they will talk to the kids about what can happen...coming from someone other than a parent, that goes a long way. Prepare her for eventualities that may come. Honesty is always the best policy in waking up the teenagers mind.

Good luck to you.

Courtney - posted on 01/17/2010

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you have to stop it. you're the MOM. I know that is harsh but you can't just sit back and hope for the best. put your foot down. say NO you can't do it, you can't do it anymore, and thats it. I love you to much to lose you so I have to say NO. and stick to it, watch her, and when you can't have someone else you trust watching and make sure she knows she won't get away with anything. That your done waiting for the worst. Good luck, I will pray for you

Natalie - posted on 01/17/2010

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Rachel my heart goes out to you. I myself have a 16 year old daughter but I have not experienced this behavior with her. However, I am a teacher at a small private school and have dealt with many situations such as this. Tough love is very easy to say but putting it into action is heart-wrenching. We counsel daily with students and parents trying to head off these things that steal our childrens innocence. Peer pressure, movies, vidoes, and lyrics are constantly bombarding our society, especially our kids. We are literally in a fight for the safety of our babies. They don't understand that this is real and affects them for a long time sometimes with horrifying consequences. I do agree in the power of prayer and the power of group prayers. Stay on your knees for this young lady. Remind her how much you love her and that your love will never change. She needs to know that you will always be there to pick up the pieces but I agree that you have to let her fall. She needs a strong male influence like her father or a father figure who can step up and challenge her. Not anyone that will harm her but someone that can build a trust with her. I have a young lady in my class that has been going down this road for several years now. Progress is slow but its progress. Everyone involved has to be consistent with her. You will be in my prayers as well as your daughter. God bless you and your family.

Jana - posted on 01/17/2010

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Toni Baker's response jan 6th hit the nail on the head. Get police involvement!!! I worked in law enforcement for 20 years as a records spec. I talked with families in similar situations. Make police reports every time. Set boundaries and yes keep letting her know you love her but when you actually have the power to do something do it. Washington State has the BECCA Bill, it is a crime to run away, stay out past curfew etc... a court order is set in motion once reports are filed. Violating the court order then becomes criminal. It is time for tough love!!!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 01/17/2010

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There is a program out there called Love and Logic. It is actually a pretty neat concept. I've been going though alot of the same things with my nearly 17 yr old son. my home has rules and responsibilities, where dad's has no rule and no responsibilities. I tried to hard to control him and limit what he was doing and where he was going and all I did was drive him away. In the mean time I also lost temporary Custody of my 10 yr old daughter to her dad and she was taken from me 3 dys before Christmas and I have not been able to see her since. it has devastated me. her birthday is in just over a week and I'm being told I can't do anything for her then either. my life is falling apart around me and I'm struggling to hold it together. This love and Logic program has helped me to see some of how I handled the situation with my son wrong and i'm hoping I can use it to try and make some things better. Check out www.loveandlogic.com

[deleted account]

All of these posts are so similar to my situation with my daughter, 16. She's living with her Dad right now and seems to be doing he own thing. She's angry at me now because I took her dirty clothes back to his house after her last visit with me. (irrational) and because I wouldn't raise her allowance. So, she's not talking or visiting me now.

I've texted her several times w/ no answer back. Her Dad, who teaches high school, says I'm doing the wrong thing by trying to communicate with her at this moment.

So, this is a wierd space for me and her.

[deleted account]

Rachel, you have good reason to fear. Take your daughter to breakfast, dinner, somewhere relaxed but just the two of you. Tell your daughter about your mother. Tel your daughter about you. Then, tell your daughter how afraid you are she will make the very same mistakes. Do not allow the talk to become an argument about how much you do not trust her. Teenagers enjoy acting like they are not listening to you. They do listen. I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your mother.

Amy - posted on 01/17/2010

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Rachel, Is she home yet? I'm sorry you are going through this. Just a thought but could you maybe get her a visit in the morgue when they are working a kid her age who has died violently? Don't know if that is possible, but I think it would scare some smarts into her.

Rosalind - posted on 01/16/2010

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You have my sympathy and my prayers. I have an ingrained fear like that for my 16 year old son. I sat down with him and his tracker (Division of Youth Services), and told him bluntly that I cannot continue living in fear of what can happen to him if he keeps making these dangerous decisions. I know in my innermost self that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power. So now I try to take that fear and turn it into power by letting him know at all times how I feel about him now, in the past, and for the future. He has seemed to calm that craziness down. I just want him to care about himself and my feelings.

Kathi - posted on 01/16/2010

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There's always hope when there's still communication. You've taken the right step in putting up boundaries and your expectations for her and even yourself. One step at a time. Take care of you first so that you may be there for all your children. Choices are the next phase for her and you. Your daughter can choose to keep living like this -or- adhere to your rules (by changing her ways) and live at home. If she chooses to live an adult life then she needs to make an adult decision and learn to recognize there are more people involved rather than herself and that her life is affecting everyone.

Jenn - posted on 01/16/2010

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It's been a bit since you last posted on your daughter's status, I pray everything is ok and she turns her life around, for her sake and yours.

Darla - posted on 01/15/2010

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15 is a really bad age. they think they are adults and know everything. All you can do is tell her to be careful, talk to her, and be there for her. Put it in Gods hands. I know you are concerned, but hang in there, it gets better after high school.

B - posted on 01/15/2010

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PLEASE PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER FROM HARMS WAY !! SHE IS 15, NOT 18, THEREFORE YOU STILL CALL THE SHOTS AND SET HER BOUNDARIES FOR HER..IF SHE IS SNEAKING OUT OF THE HOUSE PAST HER CURFEW TIME OR NOT TELLING YOU WHERE SHE IS GOING AND YOU HAVE LOST CONTROL OF HER BEHAVIORS THEN SEEK HELP PROFESSIONALLY. THERE ARE PROGRAMS FOR UNCONTROLLABLE TEENS THAT CAN PROTECT HER AND KEEP HER OUT OF TROUBLE...PLEASE SEEK THEM. BETTER TO ADMIT HER INTO SUCH THEN TO WORRY AND SUFFER GUILT....

[deleted account]

I think that if you learn anything from any of these posts....you should learn from Miss Tonni Brende. Wow that took a lot for her to write that all out and I suggest that you might want to go in the direction she so beautifully puts out in her words. Making changes in your life just might save your daughter and she just might view these changes and want to be more like you in the long run....there is something to say for this behaviour playing out into three different generations of your female family and that needs to be examined Rachel. If you fear it, you care enough to put it out here and that is one of the first parts to what Tonni was saying....TRUTH. Be strong and hugs and kisses work too, show your baby how much you love her and it melts a bit of the anger when you emotionally reach out and show that you are vulnerable too. Be safe and take care and appreciate what Tonni wrote out to you and take what ever you can from it, she speaks the truth in her own way and it is something that I will learn from too.

Shelley - posted on 01/14/2010

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You need to talk to her and let her know what you are feeling. You may need to reveal some things to her about your past to get her to understand that you do not want those things to happen to her. It may be uncomfortable for you to talk to her about whatever you have done or experienced but the awkwardness will pass and you may very well save her life. At 15 she will have the ability to understand. I know what you are feeling I have been in your shoes. I have a 15 and 17 year old. I am very straightforward with them and it seems to work most of the time.

Tonni - posted on 01/14/2010

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First...I am so sorry that you had to grow up knowing what happened to your mom. Your bad choices may have been from sadness and/or a feeling of wanting to be close to her. Your daughter is apparently living in the same sadness that you live in and thus following the path. If you can find a way out, maybe it ain't too late to show her.



If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got.



I spent the 1st 29 years of my life trying to die; either from outright suicide attempts to living half off the edge. I lived in a house that was very abusive, both physically and sexually, and I never felt like more than a group living under one roof. Once DFS stepped in foster homes, group homes and then the streets became my life. Raising myself, when I had laready seen nothign but negative made me a magnet to such life on the streets; when all I ever really wanted was to be part of a true loving family, to have someone love me for me, not what they could get from me. I will not detail the next 20 years, but if there was a harsh lesson to learn, I learned it.

The key to my change is the hardest to swallow....the years of hell were my own fault, my own doing. When we are young, our parents may teach us terrible things, but what we do with that knowledge, how we react to situations is what is the key to our own happiness. MOST grow up blaming everyone else for their troubles, when in reality, it is their own negative thinking that continues the pattern that their parents started when they were young. I always got the worst, cause I always expected the worst, waited for it, sometimes even made it happen.

I have a voice, I never used it when I should have. When I was older and raped, I froze, escaped my mind as I did as a child and then never spoke out. A few other times when this happened, luckily I was in one of my drucken blackouts, so only had the bruises and unsurities of the night to haunt me. MOst of my life was spent in, or gettign to the blackout. I hated my life soo bad that the numerous suicide attempts that I lived thru just made me sadder; why do I have to live int his hell??? The chain around the neck only knocked me out at left hickie type scars for people to laugh at.....the jump off the cliff broke my ankles and made me have to sit around and be at the mercy of others, and today, possble, the dirty needles are the cause of my Hep C.

HOWEVER, years of abusing my mind, body and soul, God apparently had another plan for me and kept me here. This I learned while in prison. I learned I caused most negative to happen cause I jumped to be the 1st to hurt, so I didn't have to, I threw the 1st punch so as to stay tough enough to live on the streets, I stayed high enough to live with my 2 baby girls thinking i wa sa good mother.

Prison was best thing in the world for me. Everyone turned their backs on me. They had enough of my crap. I had signed custody of my girls over to a loving family for life, shot up what I thought was enough drugs to kill me for sure this time and headed to prison on my 29th biorthday.



The treatment program there became my last shot at happiness. They said I had to get rid of all the crap in my head that was holding me back. I fought them hard on the fat that it was not me, it was not my fault, it was everyone that hurt me. NO, it was me. Swallowign that didn't happen over night, but if I had to live in th ehell of my life, and my way wasn't working, then I was gonna listen enough to see if they knew what they were talkin about.

Get a notebook...right positive of your life on one side and negative on the other....had pages of negative and only my 2 girls names on positive.......then take your life and place it into a timeline...this makes sure you didn't miss anything during the 1st step but also makes sure you really come face to face with the realities of your life....now, you better be sober, even though you don't wanna be....you better be completely honest, for only you and God know the truth and only you and God will see these notes (unless you share them).......get all that crap out...watch out, you will get angry, go lift wieghts, go for a walk, preferably in the rain so no one sees the tears in the end, or because it seems very cleansing??...never approach anyone during this anger, it will only make things worse......now take each pice of the time line, one at a time, one a week, whatever you feel strong enough to handle, and face what you must do to let it go.......if you wronged someone ask forgiveness, if someone wronged you forgive them.....I know, the F word,,,FORGIVENESS is the hardest word in the world for an abused soul, but is th e2nd thing you must learn (truth is the 1st)....you can forgive or ask forgiveness by just writing a letter...whether you mail, burn, rip, whatever, is your choice ( we are not here to hurt others, to spread the sadness, we are only here for you as an individual....I ripped mine in numerous little pieces.............be ready for lts of tears, don't stop them, they are healing and a great release of the sadaness you have been holding (lesson 3)......most of your sadness is burdens others should be carrying, not you....................release all these weights, all this sadness......can take months, can be very depressing, don't be alone, but only share what you want, so you are sure to stay honest...an in patient facitility may be best, for those that are seeking death, this can make it seem easier to do................



once I cleared my past, life seemed easier...now I still had to retrain my mind into not jumping to the negative ways...called to front of prison gate, thought they were gonna take my parole, rready to pounce...little voice said hold up hear them out, thought ok i'll try it...boom signed my parole papers...had I pounced, I would have screwed up my own parole.....see how easy that is to be the blame of my own hell.





Today I am healed, happy, no longer wnating death. And evern though I am sick from eithe rmy past stupidity, or helping in a car accident, I know that I will live a long good life with my girls and now 3 boys and a husband. I have the love of a true family as I always wanted...I just had to learn to love myself 1st.



Your daughter must learn to love herself also...as you have no control over her choices (to an extent), you do have over your own...show her the way to change your happiness by changin your own...it is ok to be happy, it is amazing...



forgive me, but let your mom rest in peace by knowing her death no longer holds you back..she loves you, she watches you, now let her guide you, don't live in the evil of the way she died, be happy she is still with you waiting to see you truly smile.....

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