"I Hate you"

User - posted on 08/02/2009 ( 66 moms have responded )

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Anybody got a good response to this when a 15-year-old daughter blurts that out? I've been told and have read that I should ignore it, but dang, I find it the ultimate disrespect and I hate letting her get away with it. Believe me, I am exhibiting enormous restraint by not popping back at her with something. So far I have kept my cool but that remark keeps coming.

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Lisa - posted on 08/03/2009

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My 13 year old son used to say "I hate you" all the time. The worst thing you can do is to say "Well, I love you..." Guilt doesn't work. I would tell your daughter that she doesn't HAVE to love you, but she darn well has to listen to you. Your job isn't to make her love you. Your job is to help her become a responsible, productive member of society. Once she realizes that she isn't upsetting you, she'll stop saying that she hates you. It most definitely hurts to hear your own child say that she hates you, but you need to realize that she doesn't truly mean it.

Wendy - posted on 07/29/2011

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When my daughter tells me she hates me, I tell her right back "Good, then I must be doing my job as a parent!" When she rolls her eyes at me and tries to give me that stern look, I just look at her and burst out laughing! I tell her she looks so funny when she's mad! She soon forgets she's mad and gives me that quirky smile! LOL!

Rebecca - posted on 12/28/2013

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It is very frustrating when our children use phrases like "I hate you" to express their resentment towards us. This type of language is something that no parent wants to hear and it should be handled properly. Before going further into the exact responses to say, we must first remember the goal that we want to accomplish by responding. Our goal is to pacify the anger inside of our children and build a healthy relationship of love and respect. Keeping in mind our goal, NEVER respond with insults or expressions of "I hate you too." This neither pacifies the anger nor shows them love. Furthermore, stay away from rather witty responses like "Good, that means I'm doing my job" or anything along those lines that accepts their hatred and expresses your parental dominance. While this express your superiority, this doesn't pacify their anger and this only leads to increased frustration and tension between the two of you. Other things to avoid saying are responses like "one day you will understand" or "you will grow out of it eventually." We as parents know/hope that they will eventually grow out of it. Trying to pacify their anger by saying that they will change only puts them down and leaves them in a state of anger and confusion. And lastly, stay away from responses like "I love you" or anything that expresses you're love towards them. Contrary to popular belief, this isn't something that you want to say. Loving responses try guilt them into pacifying their anger, but in actuality, it numbs their senses to what the term "love" actually means in your eyes. The reason they say they "I hate you" is because they don't feel "loved" because they don't understand that what we do IS the best for them. They feel that what they want is what is best and our actions are unloving. Telling them that you love them is just telling them that your actions are loving. This doesn't give reason as to HOW your actions are loving. There may be other things not mentioned above that you should stay away from, however knowing your goals and a format of what NOT to say is key to structuring a response. Every parent is different and can handle "I hate you" in different responses that can still be correct. The response that I choose is "I'm sorry, but I think this is the best for you." The phrase "I'm sorry" shows that you acknowledge that they want the best for themselves and shows that your actions don't want hatred as a response, thus attempting to pacify their anger. The phrase "but I think this is the best for you" shows that you care for them, want the best for them, and love them while also expressing your parental dominance by basically conveying the message that you know best. Overall, they are left with the idea that you care for them and that your actions are the best for them. This builds a relationship of love and respect while pacifying their anger as best as you can. (This advice relies on the fact that how you treat your child is actually loving and is in their best interest. Its not impossible for us, as parents, to be at fault. LISTEN to your child and understand their side. Then look at your own actions and determine if they are actually loving and for your child's best interest.)

Shelley - posted on 08/08/2009

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As a therapist and the mother of a teenage daughter, the best thing you can do is acknowledge how she feels. When my daughter said it to me, I replied, "You can hate me all you want, but I'm going to love you forever." A teen says something like that for a reaction, just don't give them the reaction they expect. It's a war out there, we can't let the teens win!!

[deleted account]

What would you do if your daughter tries systematically to put you down, to make you feel small and of no value? And this since she was 18 years old and now she is 33 and still continues to blame you for all her bad behaviours? At the beginning I thought she is still a teen and has her hormones problems, but no matter how hard I tried to make peace, and give her more money, gifts, she has intensified her bad attitude.
Strange thing is she doesn't want to have children, so does her husband too, never had a full time job, but she has part flexi time ones with low income, and is judging me. I worked all my life full time jobs in order to bring more money and shared all with my family. And I am working even now in my not so young age - it's a must in order so save for my retirement.
What to do?

Best,

Georgina

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Sarah - posted on 12/11/2014

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Yes, snatch her up by the arm to where her shoulder touches her earlobe while walking her fast to the front door and putting outside, then say "once your ready to say your sorry and that you know you really love me, then you will be allowed back inside my house".

Christy - posted on 02/01/2013

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Thanks for the reply this is an old post and we made it through those years and she is now 19 and in college. Those were tough years though.

Ginger - posted on 01/31/2013

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My children are grown now but I use to tell them they "We're not allowed to say that!". It didn't end their anger but I meant it when it when I said it and continued by telling them "I don't deserve that and we aren't going to say that in this household". I used a normal tone but was assertive and although it's not a magic bullet for everyone, it worked for me... good luck! .

Karen - posted on 08/12/2009

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I don't know your story, but there is something rooted in her that is making her feel this way. Do you compromise with her? Do you compliment her? Do you praise her? Everyone deserves and needs to have positive feedback. You need to sit down with her and find out what you have done to make her feel this way towards you. And ask her what the two of you can do to mend your relationship and work on it together. If you involve her in the process of working on your relationship, it will make her feel like her voice is being heard. Good Luck!

Vickie - posted on 08/11/2009

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my youngest daughter ( who is now 31) used to tell me she hated me any time she got angry. my reply was always thats ok because i still love you. when we talk abouit it now she said that reply made her so mad because she actually was looking for an argument or a fight over somthing and i didnt take the bait

Rocio - posted on 08/10/2009

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I've told mine that I'm glad he feels that way because that only means I'm doing a wonderful job and that I'm not out to be his friend but a mother who has the responsibility to make him productive in life. I've also told him that the day he stops hating me will be the day he has filled my shoes.

DONNA - posted on 08/10/2009

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My 13 year old does that too, its kinda a kick in the teeth for me! I generally take something away, cell phone, my space, tv. it works for a while. but i too am up for

suggestions.

Gale - posted on 08/09/2009

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I have found this to work, "that's okay, because there are times I hate you too. But I will always unconditionally love you. What I hate is some of the things that you do like, disrespecting, but that's okay because you will find deep down, you really love me, but know it just now, when things cool down, you will find out you really need me and love me." This sounds like a power struggle, which it probably is, but keeping your cool works best, try to say some of the above in a calm voice. Sometimes catching them off their guard when arguing works best. I have used several of these statements and they stopped pretty quick. Maybe ask just why it is that they find they hate you? Have them give you a reason for hating you and maybe this will open a whole new conversation and healing in this relationship. Teenagers are just hard. Remember when we went through it? I don't think I ever said that to my mother, but I witnessed what it did to her when my sisters did. It hurts!

Anne - posted on 08/09/2009

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I know what I do. Nothing, It means your being a great parent and not being their best friend because you are not there for them to like you!!! I often tell my daughter next time scream at me with a little more conviction and you should really slam the door for optimum effect. That usually diffuses the situation and we both end up laughing. Teenagers are great aren't they? They just want so much to be their own person. She's not trying to hurt you she's trying to separate from you, there's a difference.Honor the separation but keep your sense of humor. She'll come back to you. Especially when she needs money!!!

Naomi - posted on 08/09/2009

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"i hate you" they are words, yes they hurt but at the end of the day they are just words.... i get that and so much more, i tell my daughter its disrespectful etc, rude and sometimes i even have a dig back (im only human) but the best response is "well im sorry you feel that way because i really love you"....... most times they don't know what to say :)

Amanda - posted on 08/09/2009

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wow its so tough not to scream something hurtful back and occassionally we slip up coz we are human after all....just try to remember that most of us felt like we hated our parents at some point due to restrictions or less pocket money than our friends!! Kids are fickle without meaning to be and eventually will see that you do what you do out of love xxx

Christy - posted on 08/09/2009

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She will probably hate you for a very long time. It's nothing to be concerned about. Though I know all too well how much it hurts to hear your child say such horrible words to you, I also know that they truly don't mean it. When my children do or have done it in the past, depending on what the circumstances were at the moment, I either responded with: "Well, that's okay, because I love you." or "If you hate me, then please do not ask me to keep doing things for you anymore because it's difficult for me to want to do nice things for someone who hates me." There have even been times that I have actually broke down and cried at that remark, and I think that is totally okay to do so. Our children need to see sometimes that their words hurt us, and that we are only human. Have you tried sitting her down and calmly talking to her about the way it makes you feel when she says it? Usually teenagers say it out of anger because they aren't getting their way with something. I have always told my children, "I understand that you are frustrated about (whatever it is), and I'm sorry, but I really wish you could find another way to express your frustration and anger besides telling me that you hate me because I do so much for you, and that really hurts me ." There are, too, those days that they seem to just be relentless...BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! Those kind of days can feel overwhelming and exhausting. Sometimes I just walk away. Other times it makes me so angry that I retaliate and say, "FINE! If you hate me so much then find another place to live! Go ahead...pack up and head out! I don't really want to live with people who hate me, and since I pay the bills here and you do not....oh and btw...don't bother taking anything that I have bought for you either." That approach sounds harsh, but sometimes that's exactly what we need to be with our teenagers. They need a wake up call every once in a while.

Kimberly - posted on 08/08/2009

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Well next time she wants money or the cutest new pair of shoes thats when you say man I wish I could buy them for you but you hate me. I have a 13 yr old son and he has pulled that one on me and thats what I do. It works.....

Lea - posted on 08/08/2009

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Well, being the mother of a 18 year old daughter, I've heard that line SO many times! It used to break my heart and, by the way, it did start around 15 years of age. They know it gets to us...that's why they say it! So, the best come back that I had for my daughter was GOOD! BECAUSE THAT MEANS I'M DOING MY JOB RIGHT! Thank you for validating my abilities as a mother! Then ignore her. I found that it was the worse thing in the world not to say anything. They can't stand it. It will only get worse and believe me...I had to learn the hard way! I used to yell back, cry, fight...anything to want to shut her up but you can't. Because then you want to lose control and you definitely can't do that because it does give her the upper hand. Don't argue...lay down the law and DEFINITELY don't give in. My daughter is a very good person and she has great morals and values but she is spoiled! She is rotten to the core! But now she is 18 and she can do for herself. I quit catering to her and like I said, I had to learn the hard way. Just igore her and stick to your rules!

Nicole - posted on 08/08/2009

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Its a short lived phaze and even though it hurts to hear you know honestly in the back of your head somewhere that is never meant for true you probably said something along the same lines to your parents when you couldn't get your way as a teen. Alll it is in her part is a guilt trip for you to let her get her way by hurting you. I tell my kids lots that they don't hate me but don't like me for the actions I have taken and thats ok because we feel the same way back about some of the things they do.

Michelle - posted on 08/07/2009

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Regardless of your reaction, I feel that your child is old enough to show some common courtesy. Saying I "HATE" anything for that matter is just wrong. Suggest to your child when they are angry or upset to say something like... I dont like it when, or I feel ___ right now. Find an alternative for the "HATE" issue and it will open the lines of communication for the both of you. I hope this helps and good luck!

Cheri - posted on 08/07/2009

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I have boys, no girls. When my 16 year old used to say that, I calmly answered, "I love you, even when I'm angry with you." That seemed to diffuse the situation and take the wind out of his sails. Also, he eventually stopped saying that. Good luck.

Shelly - posted on 08/07/2009

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Shelley,

Great job mom...On days that my boys tell me they hate me I figure I must be doing something right!!! Next time she tells you taht she hates you just turn around and tell her "thats ok I still love you" as long as she doesn't get a negative responce it will stop...She's just trying to get a rise out of you so don't give her what she wants go with the old saying of kill them eith kindness...It will drive her crazy when she can no longer push your buttons!!! Good luck with this one

Christy - posted on 08/06/2009

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It's funny that I log on and see this because I just went through this with my daughter who is 15. I send mine to her room. We just got into it because she doesn't like it when I point out that I forgo a lot of my things that I like to do because the family does not like to do it, or I don't listen to music that the rest of them don't like and so when I do and ppl make snide comments I have had enough. She goes to her room and then she thinks about it and the biggest thing that my 15 year old hates to hear is that I am disappointed in her. I usually get an apology later on.

Renee - posted on 08/06/2009

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my reply to my boys when let tell me they hate me is ok you hate me now but you will love me when you want something . And when the time comes that they want something i remind them that they told me that they hate me so why should i buy you what you want or let you go were you want. Sorry but you hate me remember.

[deleted account]

I think you should say..."I am sorry that you feel that way. It hurts but I still love you!" I have said "GOOD" I have been mad. That is what they think they want. Not helpful!!! Negative attention is what they usually get but what they are really seeking is your love. Really it is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. They need that reassurance that even when they are being a big fat butt that you still love them.

Lyndal - posted on 08/06/2009

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I don't recall being told "I hate you", but my daughter would say I wish so-and-so (one of my friends) was my mother - it's basically the same thing; it still hurt. But now my daughter is 21 and we're good friends and she's grateful to have me (esp. when I help her out financially - though, she ALWAYS pays me back).

Now my 18 yo son can be a piece of work and when he wants to be ugly to me, I'll tell him to get out of my sight. I'm not putting up with it. I figure he'll grow out of his little explosions once he learns that crap happens because he didn't act responsibly.

Nicole - posted on 08/06/2009

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I always say good it means I'm doing my job. At that age if they love you than you are too easy on them.

Hilary - posted on 08/06/2009

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One phrase I use but only when my 17 yr old has really pushed the limits and I know she knows she has gone too far is this ; I love you but I don't like you.

Sue - posted on 08/06/2009

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Hi shelly , i have heard those words form all 5 of my over 15 children at some time, the way i handled it was; its ok for you to hate me today cause your mad, but i love you and always will no matter what you do or think . I found this cooled things down and the child then felt bad cause they expected me to respond with i hate you back then that justifies to them that they can hate. good luck and hope this works for you.

Connie - posted on 08/06/2009

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When she has calmed down tell her how hurtful and disrespectful it is for her to say such things - don't get drawn into the confrontation. I have two daughters (ages 20 and 17) and I can't say I always handled the situation gracefully and didn't react, but the times I kept my cool and spoke to them after the initial drama calmed down, things went much better and we resolved the issues that caused the drama in the first place (like telling them no they couldn't go somewhere or something like that)
There is relief, my experience has been that this type of behavior peaks at 15 or when they are sophomores in high school and by the middle of junior year or a few months after turning 16 they start to get more normal. By 17 and their senior year they are back to the sweet little girls I gave birth to :)

Leslieanne - posted on 08/06/2009

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I usually reply with "I love you more" or "that's exactly why I love you...to drive you crazy" For me, it usually stops the madness and gets a smile response or at the very least quiets things down.

Kimberly - posted on 08/06/2009

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Shelley.... I have two teenage daughters ages 17 and 18 and have heard this from mine as well. It infuriates a mother to hear these words even though we know that at some point in our own teenage lifetime we too probably either thought or said the same thing! My daughter has said it twice... the first time she was around 10 and I told her to never say that to me again. The second was a year ago when I grounded her for texting during school. She was furious with me but I flat out told her that it wasn't going to be tolerated and added another few days to her grounding period. She never said it again. Once our tempers had cooled...I sat my daughter down and talked with her about respecting adults. I have great kids... honor roll students ... they don't do drugs, run around, skip school or hang with bad crowds.... but it's because I set very stearn rules regarding respect and moral values. I am such a laid back kind of mom too... all their friends love to hang out at our house. I think if you sit her down and talk to her it'll be ok. You have to listen to her as well though... my girls tell me when I do something they don't like... and sometimes they're right about it... such as being easier on their 7yr old brother.... you have to hear what they say and even if it's tough to admit... it doesn't hurt to let them know that you're not perfect. They too however need to listen and do the same. We're not here to be our children's friends... we are here to be "hated" until they are old enough to figure out on their own that it was all out of love for them. Good luck with your daughter!

Sharon - posted on 08/06/2009

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I can certainly empathize with your situation. I have a 15 year old daughter that said the same thing not more than a week or so ago and went one step further to add that she wishes I were dead and was not going to take it back. This all in reaction to the fact a boy she liked had moved about 6 miles from us and I wouldn't drop everything to take her to see him or drive them somewhere every day, "I was ruining her life" This is distressing since I am having a great deal of medical issues myself right now. It hurts but I have ignored it and within a day or two she was back to normal...not that the words don't hurt and I have tried to also emphazise that spoken words cannot be taken back, forgiven maybe but never forgotten and they can leave a scar. This is why I try so hard to watch what threatens to come out of my mouth in the heat of the moment. One can only hope that this sinks in one day before something is said to someone else who might not be as forgiving and accepting as a mom. Not much advice but never feel alone as the parent of teenage girl.

Dena - posted on 08/06/2009

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Girl I feel ya! Be consistent but let them know you mean business and their disrespect will not be tolerated! Ask them to define the word "hate" and then ask, "is this how you really feel?" It is a very hurtful thing and the actions that go along with it are worse! Good luck!!!

[deleted account]

She does not hate you she hates the rules and the authority you represent, for her to be irked by this means you are actually doing your job well. Don't take it personally but I would tell her to go to her room and not come out until she can speak nicely to you and apologise.

Jessica - posted on 08/05/2009

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My dad's response was always to look me dead in the face and give me a very calm "Too bad because I love you anyway."

Gloria - posted on 08/05/2009

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I feel for you Shelly I really do, and I know it's hard,boy those are harsh words from a child you gave birth to and carried for nine months,................

And I also like all the response frm the other Moms that says I AM NOT HER FRIEND, I AM DOING MY JOB RIGHT,It's about time for these Teens to know we're getting them ready for the Future,that's what I tell mine all the time. Respect, good morals etc. goes a looooong way and stays with you.

Marquita - posted on 08/05/2009

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I know what u r going through my daughter is 15 now but a couple of yrs ago she use 2 say the same thing to me and i use 2 give her a whupping and that's how i broke her out of it i let her no that as long as she is under my roof she will respect and i am not going to settle 4 u saying that to me my daughter have not let that come out of her mouth and it has been a cuople of yrs now...GOOD LUCK

Kim - posted on 08/05/2009

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It is really hard but maybe you should just respond with, "I'm really sorry to hear that because I love you." and turn away. Please remember that that is a way for her to express her anger and frustration and is not really about you.

Becky - posted on 08/05/2009

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I have a 12 year old boy soon to be 13. I want to say when he was about 10 maybe 11 he told me he didn't love me. I told him thats fine find somebody to do the things I do for you. Find somebody else to wash your clothes, put food on the table for you buy you the stuff you need and want take you places and give you money to go places. After throwing all that at him he looked at me and a few minutes later he said mom I don't hate you I do love you and I am sorry. I haven't heard I hate you since.

Chrystal - posted on 08/05/2009

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I have heard that too but not very often. My reply has always been and if needed again will always be "hate me if you want to but I'm gonna love you anyway". It must have worked here cause I haven't heard that in a very long time and my daughter just turned 14 monday.

User - posted on 08/05/2009

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We talked about it after she calmed down the other day. She finally admitted "Oh, I never mean it, sometimes you make me so mad that's the first thing that pops out of my mouth." I told her to find something else to say from now on. She just laughed. I loved the lines "you'll love me later".

[deleted account]

I have a 13 and 11 year old and when they say it I always say I love you too.. it makes them mad and then they stop to think about it

PAULA - posted on 08/05/2009

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I HAVE A TEEN GIRL @ BOY THEY BOTH HAVE SAID THAT AT ONE POINT,MY RESPONSE WAS YOU'LL LOVE ME LATTER...LOL..GOOD LUCK

Michelle - posted on 08/05/2009

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Well I feel your pain on this one. My son told me that he hated me at one stage in his life. That was very painful and I cried every time. All I could do is just keep telling him it is okay that you dont love me because I am going to still love you no matter what. I will love you unconditionally, and one day when I am gone then maybe that one day you will love me again like you did when you were a baby. After a few months of this he finally seen me actually crying about this and he came over and gave me a hug and told me that he didnt mean it. He was just angry about everything in life and he really does love me and he apologized. Ever since then he makes sure he tells me he loves me every day and makes sure I am okay.

Dani - posted on 08/05/2009

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yep I totally understand where your coming from that, as my son is quite easy with the nasty words that fall out of his mouth and hey you know I don't get involved until we have both calm down, I remove myself from the room and then later I say well why did you say that and I wasn't brought up with this kind of behaviour so I am not going to tolerate it from you, ignoring him helps because then he knows we will speak when we have calmed down. I tell him its hurtful but it happens again and again as he is angry because I have said no to him about something. I wrote him a letter and I have put it in his room which when he calms down he says he reads it. Its hurtful and makes you feel lke rejecting their love and if it was a friend you would know how to handle it, but its your child your adult child who is trying to be grown up but not quite. I do punish him as I say to him that if it happens again then you won't get pocket money or phone money, or I totally remove his x box and f he removes the cable, then I remove the fuse from the fuse box lol. I tell him that I love him and when he has done something nice or we are having nice moments I say to him hey this is nice better than angry words. But when your daughter says those things say, if you wanna be treated like a grown up lets speak about this in a grown up manner. wishing you luck as I have heard it does pass and at least they have us as good parents to practice on xxx

Kelly - posted on 08/04/2009

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Shelley, something that my mom used to do to me when I spouted,"I hate you" to her, was "That is ok, you will love me later." and then she would walk out of the room as if it didn't matter what I said. Ironically, my two teenage daughters would say the same thing to me, and I reacted the same way as my mother. My daughters only said it a few times and when they didn't get the reaction they wanted (which was to hurt my feelings) they stopped saying it.
I hope this helps.

Mona - posted on 08/04/2009

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Although I have not had that, I have had arguments with my 17 yr old boy. I have expressed my love for him and that believe it or not I'm human and his words/actions hurt. It did help. He said sorry. I said sorry. So far. So good.
http://moremilestones.blogspot.com

Cammie - posted on 08/04/2009

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When my daughter said that to me I told her GOOD that means I'm doing my job! I'm not your friend I am your mother. ( I will be her friend later). She was so shocked but you know what she's never said it to me again. But I'm sure she thinks it sometime. lol

Denise - posted on 08/04/2009

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I agree with Lisa! Your job isn't to be popular it is to do the job that God Himself called you to do and sometimes your baby girl isn't going to like it and you know what - in life there will be ample opportunity to deal with distasteful situations. Best to learn how to handle it now! If you want to really get her - walk away...you don't have to take abuse!

[deleted account]

As a Mom of a 15 yr old. That is a statement that you do hear but never like. Depending on my mood on how thin he has worn that last nerve I will try to respond with " So sorry you feel that way but tough, thats the rules" or "those are your feelings and you're welcome too them but things will not change". I do however follow each of these statments with " however I love you still", not as a guilt factor but as reassurance that even though they made a hurtful statement statement My love hasn't changed. This leaves the door open to a moment of thought and an apology... it has happened less and less, now I get Jeez!

Colette - posted on 08/04/2009

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When one of my daughters was in that phase, I just responded "That means I'm doing my job." She got over it fairly quickly.

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