I have a 13 yr. old in grade 8, always been a good boy and well liked by all his teachers. Yesterday at school him and two other boys started a fire in the boy's washroom. It started with paper towels then got out of control and they panicked. Moments later the entire second floor was filled with black smoke and the whole school was evacuated. The firefighters and cops were there and my son clammed up. Three boys and nobody is owning up to it!??? Needless to say they have all been suspended from school and I am just an emotional wreck. My son claims his innocence in all of this and I want to believe him but he has always been fascinated with lighters and burning things from a little boy so I don't think he is being completely honest. Any suggestions on how to deal with a boy who is feeling angry, sad, guilty, scared but most of all he is keeping it all inside and won't talk to us about it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. This is the first time I've had to deal with any trouble with either of my kids.

Wendy - posted on 11/06/2008

Gosh those kids are good liars! It gets hard to know when they are full of baloney, because they seem to believe their own stories after a while. But it really doesn't matter, since you don't trust him and he probably doesn't deserve your trust! I hate that! My son would lie to me about such meaningless things, I just kept asking myself why he would lie about such stupid things. My suggestion is professional help. For you, for him, for you together. He probably has no idea why he does or says the things he does, and needs to learn how to express himself. Lots of kids are fascinated by fire, and it takes no time at all for a fire to get out of control. Try not to blame, just get help learning to understand, not that we will EVER understand teenage boys, since they don't understand themselves. Pray, listen, touch, don't ask questions that he can lie to. Don't judge. Breathe. Take a minute, or a month! before you respond. Good luck my friend, there is nothing more difficult that relationships, but they are worth it! Love him very loudly these days, he probably can't hear the words, but can hear the actions.

Angel - posted on 11/06/2008

I would agree with everyone here. Especially since you have observed behavior prior to the incident that might lead you to believe has has pyromania (fascination with fire). Mind you pyromania is only a problem if it becomes detrimental/dangerous to him or those around him. And it sounds like it might be. I would definitely allow him the opportunity to speak with a counsler, therapist, or clergy trained in counseling. Be sure to let him know that this is NOT a fact finding mission, but something to allow him to express his feelings and thoughts without being judged. Whomever you choose to allow him to see will also (probably) have suggestions for you.

Janel - posted on 11/06/2008

Hi Kelly, My name is Janel and I'm a mom of a 4 year old boy as well as a stepmom of a 16 year old girl. I am also a Marriage and Family therapist that specializes/works with children 0-18 years of age. If this is the first time your son has engaged in behaviors like this, it quite different than if it's coupled with other behaviors. Some of these include (crueltly to animals, failing grades, physically fighting, a lack of remorse, bulliing, theft etc). You also may want to ask him his intent. If his intent was to hurt or scare other people that's quite different than having of internt of "just having fun with my buddies", not realizing the consequences. But like you mentioned, if this is really the first time you had to deal with something of this nature, I'd give him a natural consequence (in addition to what the school has done already) such as researching and writing a paper on burn victims or make him go to the local fire department, get a tour and write about it, so he can truly learn from the expereince. I'd be very observant of his behavior in the future. Look for the behaviors I have listed above or any other changes in his character that don't seem like "him" to you. If you notice anything new, call a counselor.

Keisha - posted on 11/06/2008

starting fires are very serious, i would get him into counseling. a.s.a.p.



as far as the lying, totally normal for this age but you have to reassure him that you will be there and love him no matter what and if he lies punish him... be consistant..

Juli - posted on 11/05/2008

That's really hard, because it was so public. Now wonder he was and is so scared!

I would be too!

OK, this is just stating what is probably obvious to you when you are feeling less stressed out:

1. I love you. There is NOTHING you could ever do to make me stop loving you.

2. I've made some mistakes in my own life, especially when I was your age.

3. Making mistakes makes us human.

4. It's what we do after making a mistake that counts.

5. As long as we LEARN from our mistakes, GOOD can come from the experience.

6. We must take responsibility for our mistakes, that is part of the learning process.

7. Making this mistake does not mean you are not a young man of honor or integrity, it means you made a mistake, but when you take responsibility for your actions, you show yourself to truly be a young man of honor and integrity.

8. No matter what you have done, I always want you to tell me the truth.



You might confide in your pastor about the situation too.

Wish I had time for more, I've gotta run!

Lauri - posted on 11/04/2008

Sounds like you feel in your gut that he had an active roll in this incident. Go with it. Kids make bad choices, that doesn't mean they're bad people. But if the choices are so bad that you cannot accept it, then they may get the message that if you weren't in denial about it you wouldn't love them anymore. Or "if she knew the truth she'd stop loving me". You don't have to prove to him that he did do it, when he denies it you can simply tell him that you don't believe him and he will be held accountable for his actions. If, on the off chance, he didn't do it: he will experience you loving him even though you believe he did do it.



I like the suggestion of going to the firestation.

Kimberly - posted on 11/04/2008

I think deep down you know your son helped to start the fire and until you can admit to yourself that he did you won't be able to help him. He needs to know that even though what he did was extremely wrong and that he could have killed someone that you stilll love him. It is very important for him to understand that his actions could have caused an even more serious outcome. Next you need to get him a therapist. Kids at this age tend to open up more to complete strangers than their own parents. It will take a fine line between strong disipline and an loving touch. Good luck to you and your son.

Denilia - posted on 11/04/2008

hi my name is denilia and i to have a 13 year old boy who was very interested in fire, how ever we discovered it before anything to bad happened. What i did was make an appointment with the fire chief of our local department and had him tell jake in no uncertian terms just what the reprocutions of an accidental fire would have on the rest of his life. This seems to have worked to help him because we haven't had any issues since. Good luck I know how lonely it feels.

Robbie - posted on 11/04/2008

Oh my! My heart really goes out to you! I have a 13 yr old daughter who is in the 7th grade and she jumped off track recently too. She began seeing a counselor this last spring because we were having problems with feedback from her. Anytime we asked what was wrong or how we could help, she would just clam up. She honestly had no idea how to tell us what she was going through. Sounds odd but it all added up to an anxiety disorder. She has gotten so much help understanding herself and how to speak up for herself in such a short amount of time. We did recently begin her on a very low dose medication to help with her anxiety which has helped somewhat. It helps her stay focused when before she would get so nervous that she couldn't speak. I don't know if any of this information has helped you. Above all, don't blame yourself. Most kids know right from wrong but sometimes take the wrong path for a time. Good luck!