I have a 17 year old son who has no respect for me or my rules, I am at my wits end.

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Jackie - posted on 09/02/2013

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I found that the bigger challenge as a mom is be "consistent" in what we want to stand for. My son is 17 now and it has been a journey since he turned 13. Honestly, sometimes I was just so tired with my own life (work, house, ...) that I had no energy to engage into an argument to enforce the rules at home with my son...until I noticed he was turning little by little, day by day into something that I did not expect. an ungovernable child. He wanted to rule his life and ours! He would get upset, course and use profanity and break objects at home when he did not get what he demanded when he wanted. That made me wake up! Raising my voice, getting mad and theating him would not work at this point. I started praying the Lord to help me with this nightmare. Empoweringparents.com was very helpful. I had to adjust my way of thinking, REACTING and practice a new approach to my son.
I also learned that:
Rules with no relationship iquals rebelion. Rules WITH relashionship iquals obedience.
My son and I are not friends!!!...I am his mom! and I am here to praise him when he did something good or to make him pay consequences when he did wrong.

Teresa - posted on 11/07/2012

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I also have a 17 year old son that is completely out of control. His father and I divorced 2 1/2 years ago. His father and I cannot see eye to eye on anything. His father kicked him out 4 mos ago and I now have him full time. He is completely disrespectful. He quit school, refuses to get a job, and I have a hard time even getting him out of bed. I have called the police on him several times for aggressive behavior. He has no friends, other than internet friends. He has no car, no phone, no playstation. All he has that he cares about are his clothes, in which I have bought him nothing new, and his ipod. I was taking his ipod away when he was being disrespectful but I stopped taking that away at the advice of his counselor because that is literally all he has. He is depressed but he won't take his medication. He won't go to his psychiatrist appointments. I am at my wit's end. I hate to say this, but I can't even stand to be around him. I don't know where to turn.

Rebecca - posted on 05/02/2013

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Funny
I just read a few of these post. And I as well have a 17 year old son soon to be 18 he is very quiet around me won't talk to me gives me very short answers if any. hides away in his room all day wont go to school, wont get a job, wont get his license. leaves the house late at night without my permission wont even say anything about where he is going or what time he will be back. It scares me when he leaves I worry about him walking around by himself and he doesn't care about my opinion. He is neutral in personality around me like a zombi. what is going on??? I really want my kid back.
please help! I Take away his things and he doesn't care wont ask for anything not even food. He wont take his depression meds either.

Heather - posted on 09/21/2013

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My son is going to be 18 in 6 weeks. Over the summer (3 mos ago) he got in trouble and refused to come home and face the consequences. I told him if he does not want to follow the rules in my house than to go live with his dad or somewhere else. He went and stayed with his friend (who lives with his grandparents). My ex-husband insisted on calling him in as a runaway since we are still legally responsible for him. I did, my son came back, and he does okay but calling the police did nothing other than letting my son know he cannot go anywhere else to live until he is 18. Since then I have holes in my walls and he will not respect the rules. I am counting down the days so when he is eighteen and pulls this crap...I do not have to put up with it anymore. I love my son but I am done with the disrespect of me, our home, and the rules, and feeling like there is nothing I can do. It makes it much more difficult when you have the friends grandparents "rescuing" him instead of talking to me. I am tired of fighting against him and being undermined by the grandparents of his friend.

[deleted account]

Quoting Judy:

Kim, you can not just "Hope" your kids grow into valued members of society! We as parents have a job to do and thats love and discipline our children to mold them into valued members of our society! First step is consequences for bad behavior. Period!! Did you buy his car? Take the keys if he wont listen. Does he have a bedroom door? Take it off if he wont listen. Do you pay for a cell phone for him? Take it away if he wont listen. Do you do his laundry? STOP! If he does his own laundry then put a lock on the laundry room and tell him to do his laundry elsewhere. these are all privledges that is being taken for granted. Desparate times call for desparate messures. Get his attention somehow. He has to know you mean business and you are done with his dissrespect!! :) Goodluck!!


ITA!



 



My teenager who is 17 now was going through a disrespectful stage last year and I made his life very uncomfortable!  We do not as parents have to provide them with cell phones, cars, video games, IPods, etc...



 



I tried sitting him down and letting him have the floor, get it all out.  I feel that opened the door for him to disrespect me more b/c I appeared weak to him which he took advantage of.   I had made up my mind the next time he disprespected me, I was putting him out!  Well, the time came and immediately I told him to get out of my house.  He looked at me totally shocked and stunned.  He could not get any of his things (because they were my things...I bought them), nothing...get out now!  He threatened to call the cops on me and I told him to use the pay phone at the store...oh wait, you have no money.  He slammed the door on his way out (on his foot) then kicked a ball and lost his flip flop in the tree while cussing me and my husband up and down.  He did not have his cell phone with him, so he was stuck to think about what he was going to do.  After a few hours...around 11:00 pm, we let him back in the house.  We took all of his priveleges away and had a talk with him...he listened, he had no say.  This has worked and he is done disrespecting me!



 



 

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Lily - posted on 03/27/2014

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Wow !!! This is my exact position as of last night with my 17 year old daughter. I actually feel so bad for taking the keys from her & telling her "if you leave now, don't you come back" & now I read your story & feel much better. I'm going to continue down this path where she deserves nothing & let her be where she's at. I'm sure she will return when she needs her house, money her own room & clean clothes again.

Thank you !!!

Shawnn - posted on 02/28/2014

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Why are there men responding on here? And, furthermore, why do these two men feel the need to respond rudely?

As with any child, respect for rules must be instilled at a young age, and rules must be consistently enforced.

If this is not done, of course your teenagers aren't going to respect them, because they've learned that you won't be consistent.

By 'you' I mean the empirical 'you', as in 'you as a group of parents', not any 'you' in particular.

Katrina - posted on 12/27/2013

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my sons I have two and had trouble with them since they were 11 an 12 years old were I think I went wrong with them is see I got in trouble an went a way for a while when they were younger an when I came back I was giving them every thing they wanted . but as they got older I cant give them every thing they want an that cause a lot of problems between us all. they both were very disrespect full to me I even had to call the police on them before . now my older son moved out he is 19 he moved out when he was 18. were getting along a lot better he gives me respect. it took a while but he came around. But my younger son well he still lives with me an my boyfriend an gives me no respect calls me bad names fights with me if he don't gets his way an do what he wants and I at the end now he is 17 and I don't know what to do with him but pray to god for help. I just want my son to respect me and treat me like his mom not like a sister or friend because im his mom . can any one help me on this on I have done everything but nothing works out thanks.

Tony - posted on 11/20/2013

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Glad i am not the only one going threw this. It sure feels bad to love your children but receive nothing back.

Kacy - posted on 05/03/2013

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My son did the same and thought I was going to just put up with it. Well when the door locks were changed, and I got a temporary protective order, he changed his attitude a few days "roughing it" made him think. The is no excuse for abuse to anybody from anybody, weather t's physical, emotional or verbal, abuse. You have to be the one to stop it. We all love our children, but boundaries are essential, if we don't enforce rules and boundaries with every relationship we have and we allow someone to disrespect us even once we are doing a disservice to ourselves and in this case to a son. sounds like this has been gin n for a while too. The sooner you make up your mind to say no more and take action which may be hard, but necessary, that's when you when you will see change. if you have supports from family and friends this will be a good time to ask them to assist.

Jeanette - posted on 04/25/2013

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same here i know its just his age but he is being a ### sorry but he is my step son and i try to be a good mum to him but its hard to keep my tonge. trying to keep his feet on the floor is hard
HELP PLEASES

Abigale - posted on 10/04/2009

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When my boys 3 older boys where hitting the teen years my husband bought a sighn he found at the store. Mind you I have 5 boys and 3 are grown and have familys of there own now. I have 2 left at home 12 &16. Here is what the sign says.



Teens move out while you still know everything!!!



Every time one started to get out of control ( and there were a few times) I would tell them to go red the sign. They would laugh and kind of snap out of it. I posted it at the door so when they walked in the front door they would see it and remind them that maybe they don't know it all. I wish you luck and I hope you can get a better relationship with your son. One of mine we get along better when he doesn't live with me. It just might be he has to learn for himself that it is a hard cold world without your family. I will be thinking of you and your son.

Angelia - posted on 10/04/2009

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Quoting Susan
Try the concept of Restitution by Diane Gossen, Ask him is this really the person he wants to be, and how is this behavior getting him what he wants! Give it a try when the bag of tricks is running low.



I so agree with you

Angelia - posted on 10/04/2009

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Ok try this, set up with your local Correction Fauclty to have a tour, and show them what it smells lke,sounds like and feels like to inside a jail.In Texas the legal age to go to the adult jail is 17, since I work at our county jail, I took my son in when he was 13 (not that he needed it) but showed him waht it is like and he has come in since then to see me ( not arrested lol) and he has talked to some of the inmates and they had some good advice for him DON"T DO STUPID STUFF OR U WILL END UP LIKE ME. Just food for thought to those who are having trouble with there teens. And P.S. Juvie is not the answer, if an Juvie gets out of line by law they can't not really touch that person, they can restrain that person, but not like in adult jail. Take Care

Susan - posted on 10/04/2009

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Try the concept of Restitution by Diane Gossen, Ask him is this really the person he wants to be, and how is this behavior getting him what he wants! Give it a try when the bag of tricks is running low.

[deleted account]

There is always a reason that teenagers act the way they do to their parents. You have to look in toward yourself and be honest... what I'm I doing that is just like how they are acting? Sometimes at this point you have already set the flow of disrespect to yourself. Are you giving them respect by being allowed to be themselves without causing harm to themselves or others? Sometimes it is just a little thing .. like dressing the way they want to, or listening to the music they like. Maybe you don't like the outfit or the music but they do so respect that taste it is who they are and it maybe .. that they just want to know if you will love them regardless of their choice of look. It maybe because it isn't you. They have to feel in control becase they are becoming an Adult and it is that first right of passage.

But this doesn't mean that being rude is OK! It isn't but it goes both ways too. Don't make them lost face in front of others and have talks when you are not mad. You are the example they learn from if you really are a part of their life. My teens (three all at the same time and me with a new born at one time now only one) learned that it is a part of becoming an individual ... it too shall pass in time. Just keep talking and listening with a loving heart. Read some good Parenting books .

Leesa - posted on 10/03/2009

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I know how you feel my son is 17 getting ready to turn 18. I don't real have an advice for you but to remember that you love him and pray that he out grows it soon. All I can tell you is that boys are alot different than girls. And also remember that you are the parent and that most of what our kids have are extras and no where does it say that they have to have them, start taking away the extras and remind him that they are not there are no extras for young men who can't live but the rules

Laura - posted on 10/03/2009

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Boys are not only ones who are disrespectful and not want to listen when asked to clean room or do dishes. I called Children's Aid they said not much you can do as they now have control. You can take away all you want they just don't care. You give them everything and still they do not care. Been going through this since she was 15. She is on her own now working to pay for apartment and food, but we still end up helping as she has a 2 year now.

Valorie - posted on 10/03/2009

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Check out James Lehman's Total Transformation program. He is a behavioral therapist and I ordered his program for my 15 year old defiant, backtalking, disrespectful son and it is the only reason I still have my sanity. This program will give you back your power as a parent. I highly recommend it!

Priscilla - posted on 10/02/2009

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I would take him to his doctor and request that they test him for drug use. Don't wait on the results of the drug test, as this can take a few days. I would IMMEDIATELY start taking away privileges: No allowance, no cell phone, no car keys, no computer, no television in his room, remove his bedroom door if you have to. When he complains, just say "Well until you begin to respect me and my rules, you have no privileges here". I would also assign him some chores like unloading the dishwasher or washing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom,

vacuuming the floors, mowing the grass, raking leaves, wash and waxing and detailing YOUR car, and any other chores that need to be done around the house. I don't mean that he should do all these chores in one day but I would see that he did some chores every day after school and I would keep him very busy with chores on the weekend. If you and your family are currently not attending church, find a church and attend with your child(ren) on a regular basis. The church teaches kids to respect their parents. If none of this works, put

him into a military academy high school. They will whip him into shape very quickly. He'll find out that mom's rules and expectations weren't so bad after all. If sonny boy still rebels, you can evict him from your home once he graduates from high school. You do not have to put up with his disrespectful attitude and you shouldn't. Too many parents want to be their child's friend but it is not our job to be their friend, it is our job to instill good morals and values in them and see that they grow into productive members of society. Hang in there, Kim!

Priscilla - posted on 10/02/2009

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I would take him to his doctor and request that they test him for drug use. Don't wait on the results of the drug test, as this can take a few days. I would IMMEDIATELY start taking away privileges: No allowance, no cell phone, no car keys, no computer, no television in his room, remove his bedroom door if you have to. When he complains, just say "Well until you begin to respect me and my rules, you have no privileges here". I would also assign him some chores like unloading the dishwasher or washing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom,

vacuuming the floors, mowing the grass, raking leaves, wash and waxing and detailing YOUR car, and any other chores that need to be done around the house. I don't mean that he should do all these chores in one day but I would see that he did some chores every day after school and I would keep him very busy with chores on the weekend. If you and your family are currently not attending church, find a church and attend with your child(ren) on a regular basis. The church teaches kids to respect their parents. If none of this works, put

him into a military academy high school. They will whip him into shape very quickly. He'll find out that mom's rules and expectations weren't so bad after all. If sonny boy still rebels, you can evict him from your home once he graduates from high school. You do not have to put up with his disrespectful attitude and you shouldn't. Too many parents want to be their child's friend but it is not our job to be their friend, it is our job to instill good morals and values in them and see that they grow into productive members of society. Hang in there, Kim!

Michelle - posted on 10/02/2009

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wow boys....... i had a seventeen year old daughter i cant imagine that challange... I got most of my gray hair from that phase of motherhood.... I had to let her be and for her to move to her fathers house and be on her own.... she just wanted to rush growing up and well it did not work out that well... if any thing i give you what not to do....

Tracy - posted on 10/02/2009

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I have a 16 year old step-son whom I have raised for 9 years, has lived with me since he was 7 his mom gave him and his 2 brothers up one day out of the blue to their dad. I know what you are going through. I get no respect, he is argumentive, thinks he is an adult, and is very lazy.. I have tried everything he doesn't want the help. He will not make it alone and I fear this.

Amy - posted on 10/01/2009

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i totally get it . my stepson who will be 18 in january has always since he was 3 years old had no respect for any type of authority or rules by anyone. my husband his dad. was no help at all . i always had to be the bad guy and set and enforce the rules. as he got older and bigger it just got worse. he got his drivers liscense and 6 weeks later got arressted for drunk driving, dad did nothing paid 1200 dollars for aa classes and all fines and 8 months later got his liscense back, 2 weeks after that same thing happened all over. again i had to be the bad guy. dad and grandparents did nothing. i would take the truck and they would give it back to him. ended up his dad let him move out and in with his grandparents . they set no rules for him. he does as he pleases when he pleases. it has torn this family apart. now my 16 year old son, is wanting to act the same way. i just dont know the answers i have taken everything away and have been the bad guy and have no help from my husband because he wants to be the friend and not the parent. we have had many fights about it but still nothing changes. please do any of you moms have any advise that may help.

Melody - posted on 10/01/2009

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Threaten to put him out,put his clothes outside the door one day and you will see the change. if he does leave, he'll be back with respect believe me!!!

Bertha - posted on 10/01/2009

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I agree. spending time with my teenagers has really really helped alot. Of course always reminding them that you are their parent and not their friend. You can have fun with them but always let them know when they are crossing the line.

Emily - posted on 10/01/2009

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I know just how you are feeling! My son is 17 going on 30. He thinks he has all the "rights and previldges of an adult". I went thru this about 10 years ago with my daughter. If it is any hope....when she turned 23 she realized Mom wasn't so dumb after all. Hang on to what you know is right and wrong. The white knuckle ride of parenting a teen will soon be over. My son has early enlisted into the Marines so the back talk and disrespect will not be tolerated there. He will learn in a quick hurry what I've been trying to teach him all along was what is expected in the working world. Sorry for the rambling. Just hang in there!!!!!!

Crystal - posted on 10/01/2009

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I'm don't have any advice, except to say I understand totally where you are coming from. I have a 17 year old son who is gives mea hard time sometimes.

Angelia - posted on 10/01/2009

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I guess after read some of these blogs i am truly blessed, my son is 17 also and I am not saying he is perfect he has his moments as do I but in all he is a very respectful kid, I would like to say it is good parenting, but with my son even from a early early age he has been this way it is just his personailty. I have always treated him with respect and understanding for me and him it is commucation skills. I am thankful for him, but it is not say that one day he might change after all he is only a Junior in High School, he has his own pickup, he works and makes good grades, but it because he wants to not because me and husband expect him to. I wish everyone luck and myself lol

EVELYN - posted on 10/01/2009

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HE NEEDS TO NOT GET THE THINKGS HE WANTS, IF YOU ARE PROVIDING HIM WITH HIS ESSENTIALS FOR SURVIVAL I SAY TOUGH LOVE

Janice - posted on 10/01/2009

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I have a 17 year old daughter and a 15 year old son and neither of them respect me or my rules.......they cuss me and treat me like shit......I try my best to do the very best for them and they still shit on me.....their dad is an alcoholic and we just left him 4 months ago after being together 17 years.....I get no help from him whatsoever....so I feel ya....I just row with the flow and hope it gets better and not worse....and keep telling myself they will be adults soon and they will be out on their own soon.....keep trying and hang in there....

Becky - posted on 09/30/2009

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I have a son that was like that. I found out why he was being that way with me. He was smoking marijuana. So the last time I found it in my home I told him he had a choice to make. It was either his family or his drugs. He chose the drugs and then left. He was 18 at the time and he had to stay with friends. He got a job that took him to Texas and all over the country. He eventually came back home... in tears and in need of a place to live. I took him back in and we had a LONG HARD talk about the rules of the house. He understood. Tough love can be a mother's saving grace. And if you decide to take this path know that you cannot go back once you have started. No matter how much promising they do and bargaining they do... you MUST stay strong and follow through. I'll be praying for you and your teenager.

Cynthia - posted on 09/30/2009

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Stay firm and committed to your rules. He doesn't have to like you right now and he doesn't need to be your friend. Sometimes we as parents want our kids to like us so we get sucked into trying to give them what they want so they can like us or think we're cool. Big mistake. One day he'll understand why you say what you say and do what you do. But stick to your rules and don't give in.

[deleted account]

I tend to agree with Susan on this one. One of the rules my husband and I try to live by is "Rules without Relationships equals Rebellion." When I see inappropriate behavior I have to ask myself if I have been over-impressing the rules and under valuing the relationship. I usually find that I or we are at least part of the problem. Being humble goes a long way in some of these kinds of circumstances. It might also be helpful, if you haven't already, to ask him if he feels disrespected and why. Remember though that if he's going to answer you honestly you can't take a defensive position. At that point you would be talking about how he perceives things, how he feels. It doesn't mean that it's the truth, just his perception of it. Then ask him the million dollar question..."if he could change it how would he do it?" Then you can talk about what you can and can't do realistically and what your own perceptions are. The point being that you are discussing it instead of reacting to it.

It is definitely true though that while you are attempting to understand him and open your relationship back up, you can't let him get away with whatever he wants. You will probably need to simultaneously impose consequences as many of the others have suggested. Just be sure you make a plan and stick to it. Try not deliver the consequences emotionally, make them "matter of fact." That may mean that you have to deal with his behaviors before you are out of control or "emotionally charged" as I call it!

It took him a while to get to this point and it will take a while to come back from it. Just don't give up. Keep trying things, asking others, and as Liz said a few days ago, make sure you've got a support group to help you stay strong while you're dealing with this.

Hope this helps...let us know how it's going.

Susan - posted on 09/29/2009

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here's what I've found--before going the taking away / punitive route--how about this: start spending time together, just doing something that you both enjoy. It can be anything--just to get to a point where you can be around one another without the anger and hostility. Even at the beginning it's only 10 minutes. You can build from there. Then look for opportunities to have him talk and you just "listen" no judging or telling him what to do. The point is to have him see he can talk with you and you can build trust together. You can ask him questions in a loving way so he sees you're sincere. Over time you will be at a point where you can share your feelings too. Just a thought

Judy - posted on 09/29/2009

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Kim, you can not just "Hope" your kids grow into valued members of society! We as parents have a job to do and thats love and discipline our children to mold them into valued members of our society! First step is consequences for bad behavior. Period!! Did you buy his car? Take the keys if he wont listen. Does he have a bedroom door? Take it off if he wont listen. Do you pay for a cell phone for him? Take it away if he wont listen. Do you do his laundry? STOP! If he does his own laundry then put a lock on the laundry room and tell him to do his laundry elsewhere. these are all privledges that is being taken for granted. Desparate times call for desparate messures. Get his attention somehow. He has to know you mean business and you are done with his dissrespect!! :) Goodluck!!

[deleted account]

i found a book called "wimpy parents" that seemed to help me understand what these guys are going through and why. it helped me to keep some of my sanity. it doesnt let kids get away with this behavior, it just explains why they do it and what you can do to curtail it. good luck.

Melody - posted on 09/29/2009

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Put his ass out!!!! He's almost a man, men can survive out there. He should know better than that.

[deleted account]

I went thru the same thing with my son at about that age. He ended up moving out and in with a friend. He is now 21, and we get along beautifully. We just couldn't live under the same roof. He has grown up a lot in the last year.....finally! Hang in there, it does get better!

Liz - posted on 09/28/2009

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I have to say my, just turned 18, son is about to get the boot out the door. He is very disrespectful and any kind of punishment does not work with him. If I ground him he just gets up and wlks out of the house. I have had numerous talks with him and still not much has changed. I have talked with some other people, professionals, and they said "it will be tough, but you just might have to kick him out before he really gets it". All I can say is talk it out with friends and family to build a support group for you. Just encase the day comes where you have to make a hard decision like that, they will be there to keep you strong and back you up!! Good Luck!

Jenny - posted on 09/28/2009

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I'm not sure what advice I can give you except to say I understand totally where you are coming from. I'm a single mom and i fought with my son until a few months ago... He had no respect for me, ran his mouth with me, called me any name he wanted, stay away at night... i would report him as a runaway too.... things started getting worse though... he was shoving me across the room... raising his fist to me like he might hit me... I would call the cops.. here they tell me right in front of him that i should not yelling at him or raising my voice to him at all... not even when he shoves me... they would not press charges because it was he said she said even though i was getting a huge bruise across my backside.... so i told them to take him.. if they could do better to take him and let the state raise him... but then i would get it for abandonment they said..



I was pulling out my hair things were getting so bad... i was depressed and crying half the time.. his father was on the farm but would just talk to him over the phone... laugh it off.. you know how your mom is.. blah blah blah.... well... here's what i did.. my son went to visit him for a few days and i would not let him come home... Now is dad is taking over and he's calling me wanting me to talk to him...lol and yes i do... but i do things differently than his dad did... I love my son terribly but he's is getting better with his dad and he's starting to wear the right clothes and not the baggy stuff...



Yet there is still a great side to my son.. he's great with elderly people.. at a gas station he ran across the parking lot to help this little ol guy up the little step.. then help him back out to his car after he helped in the store... another store.. he helped another older guy put dry wall in his truck... and he doesn't expect anything for helping them... and if someone come at me to hurt me he'd be the first one right in front of me to stop them... my son is 6'3 240lbs.. he doesn't look like he's only going to be 16 either.. i love my son.. but with me being a single mom.. he is doing so much better out of the city and on the farm with his dad...

Susan - posted on 09/28/2009

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this is hard. I struggle with my 15 year old all the time. He is bigger then me and some times you don't think there is anything you can do to get through. I sat down with him the other day and had a huge chat. This seems to have made a difference. I let him know how his actions made me feel and the pressure he was putting on his family.

Jodie - posted on 09/27/2009

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For a seventeen year old who doesn't respect you, you could take away his car for a weekend, or don't allow him to hang out with his friends on the weekends. If he works, you take him to work an pick him up for a wekend to make sure that he doesn't hang around with his friends. I have a 15 yr. old son, he used to be disrespectful until I started grounding him form having friends over and playing video games. I also make him do chors around the house, like dishes, yardwork and taking out the trash. Now he respects me more and he is very helpful.

Rosemary - posted on 09/27/2009

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Tough love is required here,take away some of his treats such as pocket money or his playstation or labtop,he will shout and scream,but stick it out,it wont be long before he comes around to your way of thinking.

Trust me I know as I am a mother of two teenagers.

Jenny - posted on 09/27/2009

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15

2

i know how you feel, we just need to hope they will grow into valued members of society

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