I have an almost 15 year old uncontrollable son HELP ME PLEASE....

Kristi - posted on 06/02/2012

Bonnie,

I am so sorry for the situation you and your family are in. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. First I just want to say that through all this I hope you have been taking care of yourself. I know you're probably saying, are you nuts, when am I supposed to have time for that and even if I did I can't stop thinking about my son. As ridiculous as I may sound, I speak from experience, in a round about way. I know it is difficult and sometimes seems impossible but you have to step away from everything and take care of your needs. I'm not saying take off to Mexico and leave your husband stranded but get out of it all, including your own head. Practice doing something little for yourself everyday and then once a week do something special, get a massage or mani/pedi, go to your favorite store and try on ALL the shoes you wish you could fit in your closet. This is important for everyone. Obviously your family needs you. No doubt you are there for them. And as strong and as determined as God made us (if you don't believe in God, that 's ok too, either way moms can take a beating and keep on kicking) we have breaking points. And in my experience, once we've been broken, it's hard to fix us. This kind of distress can cause physical and pyshcological problems for us, much more so if we don't take care of ourselves. We can't help anybody very effectively if we are suffering from migraines or anxiety attacks, etc. Get counseling for yourself and the rest of your family to help deal with this. Obviously I would look for a new counselor. There are some really good ones out there. If your son won't go again(in my opinion there would be no if's about it, he'd be going but I'm not in your shoes and idk if you can MAKE a 15 yo do anything), at least you (and your family if that works for everyone) will be better equipped to deal with your son "as is" until his behavior changes. Not to mention, you will have an important outlet for your feelings as well. I don't want to get into all the reasons how and why I know that your health and well being are of the utmost importance in times like this because they are irrelevant to your circumstances. Just keep in mind that the better your mental and physical health are the more stamina and strength you are going to have power through everything that is going on with your son.

I agree with ReBecca about the sex, especially since she is younger. I would also make sure he has condoms because at his age, where there's a will there's a way. I'd talk to him about the responsibilities and possible consequences that come with having sex. Let him know you don't condone it and it is not allowed in your home but if he still chooses to have sex you want him to practice safe sex. From what you have said, I would not be surprised if he starts throwing stuff out there for shock value and to throw you off your game.

I have really been thinking about this and I actually called a couple of people about it. It is difficult to determine which road to take here because of how extreme his behavior sounds and the fact that it sounds like he is not afraid of consequences. None of us could see a way through this without professional help. It sounds like some serious, deep seeded anger that has been developing for quite some time. Of course, we don't know because we don't have all the details but we are just going based on our collective experiences. He has very little impulse control and seemingly no respect or fear of authority. This can be very dangerous for him and/or those around him. With all the reckless behavior he is participating in, confrontations with you, trying to provoke your husband, criminal actions, teen sex (safe or unsafe) there is way more going on than just teenage rebellion. He has no boundaries. If something comes along that catches his eye or something he thinks will piss you off, get him attention, whatever it is, he won't think twice about doing it. It could be as simple as cursing you out, it could be shop lifting, playing chicken in speeding cars...these things have a way of building momentum and the possibilities are endless and the consequences could be life alter or even worse, life ending. Get professional help and try to get in front of this thing.

In the meantime, one mom suggested you strip his room down to the bare necessities. Give him his own laundry basket and show him how to do his own laundry. Give him a list of chores that need to be done before he can go anywhere. Provide him with a quiet place to do homework, if he needs the computer, you need to moniter him the whole time. Take away all his "stuff." Phone, games, ipod, computer time, tv, etc. make him earn them back one at a time through respectful and appropriate behavior. Tell him what you are doing and why and tell him what he can do (not HAS, makes it sound like he's got no choice. CAN, offers him the choice, he's in control) to earn his stuff back. Work on not reacting to his outbursts of cursing. Try your best to stay calm and remind him that you don't talk to one another in your house that way. If he has something to say he can say it in a proper tone or please go to his room. Try not to argue over that if at all possible. State it respectfully and calmly and turn your back or walk out of the room indicating this is no longer open for debate. Generally, the less we react to a certain behavior, the less they tend to do that behavior and vice versa. But there always needs to be hope, if he thinks he has nothing left and no way to get it back he's likely to give up all together. So the minute he does something you can praise him for, no matter how big or how small, jump on it. If he dresses nice, if picked up his cereal bowl, if he could've smacked his sister & didn't, be positive but be sincere. If he calls you out, tell him you just thought he was making an effort and you wanted him to know that you were grateful. Hopefully this will start to work and you will be able to start returning his "stuff" to him. However, if he repeats the inappropriate behavior you have to be consistant and take back an item. Consistancy is a must.

Once again, please try to find another mental health professional and don't stop until you find the right one for your family. You'll know it when you do. Trust your instincts about it and don't let your son manipulate you. You want to hear how he feels but you have to take into consideration what his intentions might be. And if your police department will do a scare him straight thing, heck I'd jump on it since he's already been in trouble with the law, show him what he has to look forward to if he keeps it up. Gosh, I sure hope some of this helps. You definitely have your work cut out for you. Take good care of yourself so you can take good care of your family. Good luck and God bless!

ReBecca - posted on 05/31/2012

This could be a long shot but you can talk to your local police department. They usually have intervention programs set up for kids that are going down the wrong path. Sometimes with your consent they will use putting them in lockup as a scare tactic. I would'nt normally suggest it but with your worries about his brush with the law it may work. Most kids this age are scared of the thought of being in jail.
Im not sure if his biological father is in the picture. But I am sesing some resentment twords the new father figure. If his bio dad is in the picture I would suggest utilizing him.
I have an 11yr old son that occasionally acts out due to his father being no longer,in the picture.

Ad for the sex part I personaly would be at the girlfirends home having a talk with her mother.

I hope you get some reliefe soon. I know how hard it is trying to maintain with an out of control child.