I have done everything to help my 16 year old daughter, I can't take anymore.

Marty - posted on 04/26/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My daughter has been progressively rebelling since I left my ex-husband in 2008. She started becoming violent when she was 12 and hit me for the first time when she was 13. Eventually she was charged with assault at 14, probation for 6 months and community service. That was a joke to her. She became sexually active at 14 with a random boy, NOT a boyfriend, since then, she is proud to say she has slept with 9 boys.

I have taken her to therapy, she has been on multiple medications, we have even had her involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility twice. I have had to lock down my home, including a lock on my bedroom door. She takes random things, and we have found jewelry missing as well. We can not even leave food, such as snacks laying around, she eats everything, and no I am not being a stingy mom, but I feel 10 ice cream bars in one sitting to be excessive. We find hidden food boxes and wrappers hidden in her room as well.

She has no access to any social media, we had to lock computers with passwords. She was using the sites to contact random men, post pictures that were much to mature for teens, and bullying. She is OBSESSED with her cell phone. We have taken it away, cut off service, and the other day, we let her use it while I was at work, only with incoming calls, and she has now broken the iphone and supposedly thrown it away because if she can't have it no one will.

My daughter has cut her wrists twice, pierced her own ears and lips. My final straw has been a tongue piercing. I took her to the therapist yesterday, she kept talking funny and the therapist asked her to stick out her tongue and there it was! She pierced it herself with a needle! She was just released from the psychiatric facility on Friday, they took her off medication, and this is what I am dealing with.

I have taken her to her therapist and psychiatrist, both have no resolution. We are now going to begin intense home therapy, but I am not sure how much more I can take. The verbal abuse, lack of self respect, and no respect for adults has taken its toll. We have to argue with her to bathe, do laundry, and clean room. I have been battling this for four years and my relationships with family and my fiance are suffering to the point I may be alone soon.

Her father is an alcoholic and marijuana user, his wife and him are unemployed. They offered to take her, but after 3 days on two separate occasions, they called and gave her back. Her aunt on my side of the family offered to take her, but she has a 26 year old handicapped child herself. Easter weekend she came to visit, my daughter was staying with my 70 year old mother, and after 3 days again, I was getting a call to come get her. She had left with a 26 year old man and a 19 year old stripper, only to return home the next day with a car load of different boys. The police were called and she was reported as a runaway.

My mother, again 70, wants her and has went to children services to try and get her. My mother tells her that I do not want her. There is nothing children services can do, I work 2 jobs due to expenses incurred because of this. We live with my fiance, and have since 2009, he is a police officer and works security on the side. We are upstanding members of the community and this has taken its toll on our relationship. Our lives revolve around every aspect of this child. She cannot be left alone, she has no friends to hang out with, will not attempt to get a job and is doing horrible in school.

I would love to be able to let her go and come like a "normal" teen, but I do not think that will ever happen. Any suggestions?

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Marty - posted on 04/27/2012

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Thank you so much.

Angie - posted on 04/27/2012

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hang in there Marty...none of the choices will be easy, but neither has how you've been surviving for several years. The psychiatric hospital diagnosed my son with conduct disorder; there is no medication that can correct it, but they didn't completely take him off all meds because they believe it helps him pause before reacting. If this is the same thing going on with your daughter, all my research says it is the most difficult disorder to deal with...1. Because there are no meds, 2. Therapy is not successful because they don't see what they are doing is wrong. It starts as oppositional defiant disorder, progresses into conduct disorder, and if still not got in check will be diagnosed as anti-social personality disorder when they turn 18. I did find one therapy that has shown some good results called multisystematic therapy. There were no places that practiced this in my county but maybe they do in yours...here's the link to it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multisystem... you are never alone :)

Marty - posted on 04/27/2012

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I did not choose for my child to be released from the psychiatric facility, she was released after 10 days by the facility with no medication. They feel that they cannot medicate her behavior, and she refuses to take it. At one point, I was told it was only me and maybe we should allow her to live with someone else, well we haven't made it past three days with anyone else.

I appreciate the support I have received. I have made several phone calls today and researched several facilities for possible placement. We are moving closer to get her the help she needs. This is probably the hardest decision I have had to make. My daughter is a talented at sports and it is the only thing that she loves, to remove her from this is breaking my heart, but I think this may be the only thing that saves her.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/27/2012

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I'm not sure how old she is. But if she is 14 she is to young to get a job. Other wise you should have left her in the hospital. She needs some major help. And I'm afraid it is beyond what you can give her.

Angie - posted on 04/27/2012

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Thanks Louise...Most days you don't feel amazing as I'm sure Marty can attest, it just becomes survival...I'm in the US, in Missouri specifically....Boot camps are extremely expensive...I'm talking $10-$20,000. Some programs require the juvenile to enter willingly..and honestly if the child is not wanting help, no program in the world is going to help, not to mention the frustration of some of the things you have to deal with along the way makes like you're constantly swimming upstream. The first juvenile officer assigned was lazy, lazy, lazy...had to push to get her to do something, he had 2 elevated drug tests within the 1st month & received no repercussions, he only got stern talks. I've now been assigned a supervisor. The behavior treatment program I got him accepted into was a 60 day program, but my insurance kicked him out after 3 weeks stating I didn't have enough failed attempts. We (me and the therapist) pushed for a trial weekend visit..they said no. On the way home, he began punching himself in the face, threatened to jump out of my moving vehicle, then did when I got pulled over on a busy highway, I got him back in the car & got pulled over at a rest area where he then began wrapping his seatbelt around his neck choking himself. Yeah, I'm glad insurance thought he was ready...he ended up back in the ER and another acute care facility. I had over $5000 out of pocket in medical expenses from Aug-Oct...at least now, under DFS, it goes through my insurance 1st, then the balance picked up by medicaid..and as of right now, my rights have not been terminated, this is just a temporary custody/care situation...so sometimes you have to make some tough decisions for the greater good...like my dad keeps telling me, it will all work out, some way, some how...I just have to keep believing that :)

Louise - posted on 04/27/2012

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Marty and Angie I am so sorry for both of you that this has happend. You have both done everything to try and keep your kids under control. Most parents would of given up years ago! I was amazed to read both of your stories. You both are amazing women!

I don't know where you live in the world? I am from England and for kids like these there is juvenial detention centers. I don't think they work as the kids nrmally come out with even more bad habits than they went in with. In some areas now there are American style boot camps which do seem to have more effect. Physical activity to break down all the angst these teenagers have. Respect or pay the price with more physical activity. I have seen many a documentary on this type of disciplin. Very effective, but how you get your child on it I really dont know.

I think Angie has done the right thing, her child was tearing her apart and if she did not act there would of been nothing left. As she says the authorities have more power if the child is award of state. They have the full range of facilities available to them and the funds needed to place them there. I would seriously consider doing the same. You will always be her mother just not her guardian. One day she will grow up and realise what a child from hell she has been, then and only then will you be able to work on a relationship together. It will happen but you just have to wait for her to get through this anger she has.

Angie - posted on 04/26/2012

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I had to make the very difficult decision last month to refuse picking up my 14yo son from detention after he was transferred back from a psychiatric hospital. I feel your pain, your frustration, your disappointment, your anger...and all the multiple feelings you are experiencing as a mother dealing with this. I tried the therapy route, the acute care facility route, the behavior facility route until I finally filed an out of control with juvenile, then tried outpatient substance abuse program until I had my son arrested in November. He was charged with property damage and drug paraphanalia, he sat a month in detention before finally agreeing to a 60 day program the judge ordered. His behaviors struggled in there, he had a psychological evaluation in December in which I was told they were making the recommendation to the courts it was unsafe for him to come home; he eventually got unsuccessfully discharged while awaiting transfer to a psychiatric hospital for a med wash/evaluation. After 7 weeks of crazy behavior in there, they diagnosed him with conduct disorder & discharged him back to juvenile with the recommendation for 24 hour supervision and that it was unsafe for him to come home. When he got back to juvenile, they called me to come & get him & I refused, which got me hotlined to division of family services (DFS) for abandonment. He is now in a foster home and struggling, he has stolen prescription drugs and there was an incident with a butcher knife (nobody was hurt, thank goodness), and all think it's a matter of time before he will be transferred to a residential facility. I want to tell you FIRST...YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!! Do not blame yourself!! Second...accept this is more than you can handle and seek out any help you can; if she destroys property or steals report her. I have found out since that DFS has more resources to draw from than juvenile, although the path to get there wasn't pretty. I love my son with all my heart; I would do anything to have him home healthy and happy; I cry every night for that "normal" teenage life for him...but I've had to accept all my wants in the world can't make it happen. I will never give up on him, but not bringing him home is not giving up...it's loving him so much that I will take the hurt of him not being here to find the help he needs. I wish I had better answers for you, but all I have is stay strong & lean on friends and family for support for those bad days...I wish you the best :)