I just found out my 13yrd daughter is using very vulgar language.What should I do???

Samia - posted on 01/27/2013

First tell her what trouble it can get her into. I found my daughter doing the exact same thing. People could get the wrong idea of her. She's a good person I be and just wants attention. Talk to her, tell her what she's getting herself into

Veronica - posted on 07/03/2012

The corner is the way Togo. Just put her there for 3 hours and she'll be fine. It seems harshe but it is very effective. I tried it longer with my child. She stole something and I put her therefor 8 hours, with food of corse, but she never did any thing like that ever again.

Jackie - posted on 06/30/2012

My parents never said many swear words growing up. Especially not the F word! But shortly after I started high school in the UK at age 11 I started swearing. Sadly it is the norm for the age as she said, "all my friends talk like that". What I told my children is that swearing shows lack of intelligence and decency but if you are going to swear never swear in the house or around other adults because you will be judged harshly. If I were you I watch out for her going into flirting chat rooms. I caught my daughter doing that and men/boys were propositioning some very vulgar things!

Sam - posted on 06/14/2012

do nothing, if she knows it annoys you she'll keep doing it, just tell her that you don't want to hear it and if she wants to talk like that then she has to deal with the consequences.. Really it no big deal, it's not nice but it's not the worst thing she going to do.

Marcy - posted on 06/14/2012

I am sorry for being so harsh, sometimes I get carried away, your right all children are differant. I do wish her the best, sometimes it sucks raising a teenage daughter at least from 13 to 16 with my oldest..My younges is a breath of fresh air....Anyway I am sorry I will practice my words next time....Thanks.....

Angie - posted on 06/14/2012

Marcy I think you have some good points regarding communication with teenagers, but "First off WRONG!!! why would you do that.." seems attacking to the poster when she's looking for advice as she's not sure how to handle her situation. All kids are different and respond to different techniques, even in the same home. I think this site is wonderful because it gives parents a chance to share what has worked & what hasn't, but I don't believe it's any of our places to say someone is wrong just because it didn't work with our situation. She could also have an unprepared adult if her child has never learned there are rules and consequences, that she won't necessarily get to determine either, which is something parents can teach their children at home. I wish you continued great relationships with your children.

Marcy - posted on 06/14/2012

First off WRONG !!!!! why would you do that... If there is one thing I have learned from raising a daughter now 25 a son 23 a daughter 15 especially from my 25 yr old she taught me alot about parenting. First off she is going to talk like that if she wants to you cannot be with her 24/7. No I am not saying that I agree with what she is doing, because I think there is alot of teenagers that talk that vulger language...and it sounds soo trashy, I have seen several of my 15 yr old and 25 yr old that are well just plain wrong...not much I can do with the 25 yr old but my 15 yr old I have went to her a spoke to her about that way of talking. I explained to my daughter that people DO NOT find that kind of talking cool, they find it STUPID and CHILDISH it is not funny and when girls talk like that they sound really trashy....She is old enough to know right from wrong, but taking things away is not going to change things; What are you going to do moniter ever message and sight you could do that but then your daughter will sneek and hide and keep secrets and you won't know ANYTHING believe you me my 25 yr old was like that I was a single mom and home all threw their teenage years I worked days and was home. But she was A VERY GOOD LIAR...I learn to be very open with my 15 yr old. I know I would say about 90% of what she does. You CANNOT be with them ALL the time. I mean you can but what will you have a unprepared, adult. I wish you luck I have a GREAT relationship with my 25 yr old now she we are best friends, and my 15 yr old and I are VERY close, I am a very laid back mom, I am honest, upfront, speak my mind, tell them exactly what I think...I have raise my girls that they do not need a man they can make it through life on their own, I told them you want to make sure that you can make it on your own before you get married or in a serious relationship, they are confinent, strong, honest, happy,My son well what can I say boys are SOOOOOO differant....So that is what I think... hope this helps..GOOD LUCK...

Deaunna - posted on 06/13/2012

Hi Charley! I'm getting into this conversation late, but I did want to mention a few things which will agree with some of the post and disagree with others. As a parent coach, I see one of the biggest mistakes parents make is failing to evolve as a parent according to the age of their child. Failing to realize that their teenager is a human being with basic human rights to act and be according to the dictates of their own conscience. When parents use force or coercion tactics, they become nothing more than dictators and will more than likely create a rebellious child. Why is that so?



David O. McKay explains, "Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man.... Freedom of choice is more to be treasured than any possession earth can give. It is inherent in the spirit of man. It is a divine gift to every normal being.... Everyone has this most precious of all life’s endowments--the gift of free agency--man’s inherited and inalienable right."



There are issues that parents must take a stand such as physical violence, school attendance, drinking/drugs and driving, and maintaining moral decency while in the home. But remember the lessons that history has proven that when human rights are trampled on, revolution is eminent; so why would it be any different for our children in our own homes?



Next, I would like to strongly advise you against any form of violence! Spanking, slapping, washing mouth out with soap will sow seeds of pain, despair, anger, humiliation, confusion, anger — and the continuation of a cycle of violence. Treat your child with the respect that you would your boss at work and you will see that respect reflected back to you! (You cannot get what you do not give.)



Let your example be your child's guide. Live your life in such a way that your child will know how to maintain dignity and honor, even- especially- when life gets tough. Never compromise your standards to 'show your child how something feels- or looks- or sounds.'



One last thing, before this turns into a book;) Hold your teenager up to high standards. Do this by finding every opportunity to appreciate her honorable attributes. Let her know how beautiful integrity looks on her! Honor her goodness and reward her kindness. The behavior you give attention to you will get more of. Meet her three core needs, to feel appreciated, to be recognized and to feel important and you will raise an emotionally confident and well adjusted human being.



I hope this helps!

Carmen - posted on 06/10/2012

My 13 year old step-daughter had the same thing happen to her, and before I could punish her I had to get permisson to do so to my husband first. Anyways.
I told her that the language she was using wasn't right and she better not use it again, I told her I wouldn't give her a punishment if she promised not to say anything vulgar. While she was outside with my son, I checked her phone, and she was STILL using the language. When she came back inside, I told her she would no longer be given any privacy. Everytime she would text someone, I would have to read it. Her bedroom door was tooken away also. When she finally told me she was sorry, I gave her bedroom door and her right to text what she wanted to back. I check her messages every now and then and I haven't seen a bad word yet.

Kristi - posted on 06/09/2012

Angie

I'm so glad you shared. I've only been the best friend of a mom with an uncontrolable daughter. I have a great deal of empathy for both your and Michelle's family, but just outsider experience. It sounds like the system finally caught up with your needs and you're on the road home, as long and tough as it might be. I respect and admire your strength, courage and determination. I know the emotional and physical, sometimes, toll it took on my friend. My heart and prayers go out to you and Michelle. Good luck with everything.

Angie - posted on 06/09/2012

Michelle ~ I feel your pain and frustration...I had the same things going on with my 14yo & had the cops tell me the same thing...spank his butt. As I had tried everything and above, including family counseling, I thought maybe they are right. He got spankings when he was younger, but really hadn't been needed until this point. Before calling the police the next time, I tried it & got laughed at so the police got called anyways. By the 3rd time calling in, he taunted me call the po-po, they ain't gonna do nothing & he was absolutely right. They treat it like a domestic, get onto him, made him apologize, give him horror stories on juvenile & say that's where he's headed it they come back. The came back and back with the same story. And unfortunately there are very limited resources to get help, at least where I live. Counseling (we're on our 6th different one & not making much progress), outpatient, acute inpatient, behavioral inpatient, juvenile detention, pyschiatric hospital...none of it's helped & I'm over a year into this. I finally made a very difficult decision & refused to pick him up from detention (3rd time there) & was hotlined to DFS for abandonment. DFS is difficult at times to deal with but they have amazing resources. After getting additional theft charges after initially placed in a least restrictive foster home, he is currently in a Children's Home that specializes in troubled kids and has a lock down to cottage system, along with therapy, family therapy, and psychiatric needs. He can't be kicked out for behavior as he has several other places. It's been a long hard road but I am hopeful we will eventually get to a better place...best of luck to you Michelle and please feel free to PM me anytime, won't have many answers but always here for a vent :)

Kristi - posted on 06/09/2012

Michelle-

Like I said, I can't imagine what you're going through. And the people who are telling you no child should ever talk to or strike their parents that way. They are right but the fact is your son is doing that. I don't know how bad the youth facilities are there but if it were me, I'd rather have my son in a detention center, where it is possible for him to get help, than to switch schools so that others kids will beat him up. He will just learn to fight harder and it will reinforce that violence is how to get what you want. I know you said you've tried counseling and it hasn't worked, but maybe you haven't found the right people yet. Have you looked for someone who specializes in teens with the kind of behavior problems your son has? I have been involved in the mental health system for over 20 years due to by own illness and it took me several years to find just the right combination of people to work for me and get me on the road to recovery. I'm not saying it will take you years but I'm just saying don't give up on that all together. I don't know anything about the private facility you tried to place him in but they wouldn't take him because he was to violent. I would encourage you to do more research because he is not the first violent teen & he won't be the last and other children like your son are getting help somewhere. I know I'm just another random name in the virtual world and my opinion holds no more weight than a feather (which is totally understandable) but I would do almost anything else than treat my violent, troubled, child a lesson with more violence. A spanking to me is a pop on the tush and that is not a big deal to me but whipping with a belt is an entirely different story. I know you said you haven't had to do that yet, but when he does act out again, please call 911 and then try to restrain your son instead of the 3 of you pushing, kicking & punching. It'll be better for everybody in the long run. Maybe that police officer that helped you before could teach you/your husband some easy holds or something. I sincerely hope you find relief soon.

Michelle - posted on 06/09/2012

my 14 year old son uses bad lanuage too but is worse than that, I have wrote on here many times to others that he is some what vilent. He kicked me 6 months ago, twisted my arm and kicked his step father so bad causing him to have hemarodes. Just 2 days ago he shoved me. we took pictures and keep records of what he does, he steals from us, money and slams doors, this 12 or 13 year girl taught him to smoke and he is no longer a virgin. We never layed a hand on him until now. We have tried taking things, grounding and talking but nothing worked. We put him in a behavior clinic and counsiling and that did not work. We called the police and they told us we have the right to spank him and if he got out of control badly to tie him up until he calmed down but he has not ever got that bad. When I spanked him he shoved me and I fell backwards. When his dad spanked him he stood up to him and said one of these days I am going to whip your A_ _. The only thing we can think of is to move to a school where there is some real tough kids that will take him down when he opens his mouth. Because we tried putting him in a priviate government home, Boys ranch and they would not take him. They said he is to violent and has to many problems; it is a liablity reason. They said no child should ever talk to their parents that way nor lay a hand on thier parents and if they do either one of those things they should be spanked. If they strick back then the parents need to call the police and charges should be filed. His dad and I want to make that the last straw.

Kristi - posted on 06/09/2012

OK...I know this has nothing to do with your question anymore, Charley and I apologize. I also just admonished someone else for doing this but that was over gummy bears and this is over beatings so I'm going to be a hypocrite.

Michelle

You said the threats are working so far. I'm glad. However, the key phrase there is "so far." If your 14 year old son is as dangerous as you say is, then he, you all need more help than some "Scared Straight" threats from a cop. Because "so far" won't last and then what? I'm not opposed to a spanking for younger children or a swat on the mouth for blatent disrespect but what you're describing sounds a lot more like physical abuse. You said you're doing this to keep him from abusing someone else. I don't understand the logic behind that. I'm trying to relate it to when I've used spanking before. But I can't draw appropriate lines. I think about how my teen would have to be behaving for me to whip him/her with a belt or sit on him/her. He/She would have to be pretty out of control and that would lead me to believe there is a whole lot more going on than just a kid with a bad attitude (for example). I am not judging you at all, and I wouldn't begin to assume that I know what you're going through. I don't know what you've tried or haven't. I'm just saying that for now, while the threats still work, please look for other avenues of help before it's too late. Because even if you end up "having to ask more than 2X", which considering he's only 14, you will and then you have to "show him you mean business" that won't work for long, if at all. Do you really want to spend the next 3-4 years having physical altercations with your son and/or visiting each other in jail? I hope things turn around for you all and that you can find some happy news somewhere. I know conditions are rough, especially in big cities but there are good people out there, too, they just don't have the OMG factor to make the news.

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2012

we watch the news all the time and all we hear is about young teens causing problems, the home town where I moved from the newspaper was always about a teen causing a crime. We had a teen girl who shot her manager and stoled money, we had a group of boys who took guns to school who where going to shoot the principle for giving them detention, a boy who left school for lunch robbed 2 stores took a gun and was comming back to school before he got to the school they had a lock down so he could not get in and arrested him. They sentenced 3 boys to live in prision for beating a man to death with a hammer, the man yelled at the boys to slow down because they were speeding and there was children in the area. One of the boys just went back to trial last year in June and is getting death roll. Just this Feb this year 2 boys are going to trial for killing another boy. They had a sleep over and the 2 boys took thier parents gun and shot the 3rd boy in the head drug him off down the street and dumped him in the ditch. Then went back to bed as if nothing happened. The parents clamed they never heard a gun go off. This boy that was killed was my oldest son's friend. They said these boys when they go to trial will more likely get death roll they are 17 years old. There is so many more, but like I said we live outside of Houston, TX and Houston is filled with a lot of crime with teens and adults. Kids that get pregnant at the age of 10, drugs, drinking, stealing, smoking. There is a girl that is in our RV park that smoks cigs, talked my son into it, has had sex and caught stealing from the Dollar Store several times; she is 12.

America3437 - posted on 06/07/2012

Not all kids are like that michelle. Mine aren't and if they thought about it I would darn sure take the belt to them as well. I hear a few curse words come out of my 17yr old durning his xbox MW3 game byt nothing to bad and he knows I don't appericate him speaking that way. My 14 & 15 yr old use replacement words and to me that is just as bad as saying the actuall word.

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2012

I was never raised like this, my mother would have took a belt to me if I did, I was a spoiled child. My grandmother was a big part of my life and my grandmother and I read the Bible all the time, she taught me to be a lady at the age of 5, how ladies are suppose to talk, walk, sit, and at the age of 10 dress and how to act around boys. I was mature for my age. At the age of 10 I had the mind of a 18 year old. I was cooking, cleaning and helping her with baths, My grandmother died at 13 and I felt like my world crushed down on me. At the age of 18 I had the mind of a 28 year old. Teens were going to parties, acting silly in the halls, I looked at them like they were stupid. I never goofed off, did what I was told, I respected my teachers and my parents and at the age of 41 still mind my parents.

The kids now days are TOTALY OUT OF CONTROL. They are stealing, killing, raping, drugs, drinking and having sex at the age of 13 or younger. No one does what the Bible tells them to and they will have to answer to God for everything they do and say.

America3437 - posted on 06/07/2012

Wash her mouth out with soap. Sounds awful...well so does foul language commimg out of a 13 yr old.

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2012

Kelly Barlow, so far just threating to pop in the mouth works, or grab the belt. The police told my son we could sit on him and do what we want that he is just a child and the police told him that if he was his son he would have knocked his teeth out. He also said he is not incontol of his life until he is 18 and then he can pack his bags and leave. If his dad and I want we can file charges on him and put him in jail for assult, harrassment or distrution of priviate property and he would go to juvinile jail for 2 years. So we tell him 2x and if we have to get to the 2x then the belt will come, if he uses any bad lanugange and we repeat ourself about the lanugange 1x he will get a pop in the mouth. He says he is sorry and does not repeat it. So we have not had to take a belt or pop him so far. I think what the police said to him has worked and we stand our ground. My son has a very bad temper and can be an abusive person to woman or anyone and could go to jail if he was to hit someone else or tear their property up and we are trying to keep him from getting to that point.

Kristi - posted on 06/06/2012

Michelle...

...slap him in the mouth as long as we do not leave a bruise we have a right to hit him. If he repeats a nasty word or smart mouths us we will do again. If we have to tell him more than 2X we will take the belt to him. Make sure you let them know you mean business. Hitting you is assult and battery.

I very much understand what is like to have a child who has no respect for authority or him/herself and who also has no fear of consequences. But, I'm seriously wondering how you can justify child abuse as the answer. In one sentence you're the innocent, helpless victim being physically and verbally abused by your maniac son, which is considered assult and battery, right? Then, in the next sentence you and your husband are now hitting him, using a belt on him and please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I saw your story on another thread and you said you are sitting on him and tying him up per a police officer's advice. How is that NOT assult and battery? What kind of message are you sending him? Here are a couple I can think of, A) My parents are total hypocrites, B) If you know the right people you can get away with anything, C) If someone doesn't do what I say I can beat them until they do (ie: bullying, future spousal and child abuse), those are just a few off the top of my head. Tough love is one thing, child abuse is another.

CHARLEY--PLEASE DO NOT GO THIS ROUTE!!! Most of the moms who have responded have been pretty consistent along the lines of choosing your battles, let them know how you feel, you know it is going to happen but they have to respect others and do it around their friends only, appropriate discipline when called for, make sure it doesn't go beyond bad words... I'm certain you are logical and it is obvious you love your daughter so I know I don't really need to "talk you into this." I think I just needed to put it out there for my own peace of mind, so please don't be offended, this comment really has nothing to do with you. : )

Kristi - posted on 06/06/2012

Michelle...

...slap him in the mouth as long as we do not leave a bruise we have a right to hit him. If he repeats a nasty word or smart mouths us we will do again. If we have to tell him more than 2X we will take the belt to him. Make sure you let them know you mean business. Hitting you is assult and battery.

I very much understand what is like to have a child who has no respect for authority or him/herself and who also has no fear of consequences. But, I'm seriously wondering how you can justify child abuse as the answer. In one sentence you're the innocent, helpless victim being physically and verbally abused by your maniac son, which is considered assult and battery, right? Then, in the next sentence you and your husband are now hitting him, using a belt on him and please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I saw your story on another thread and you said you are sitting on him and tying him up per a police officer's advice. How is that NOT assult and battery? What kind of message are you sending him? Here are a couple I can think of, A) My parents are total hypocrites, B) If you know the right people you can get away with anything, C) If someone doesn't do what I say I can beat them until they do (ie: bullying, future spousal and child abuse), those are just a few off the top of my head. Tough love is one thing, child abuse is another.

CHARLEY--PLEASE DO NOT GO THIS ROUTE!!! Most of the moms who have responded have been pretty consistent along the lines of choosing your battles, let them know how you feel, you know it is going to happen but they have to respect others and do it around their friends only, appropriate discipline when called for, make sure it doesn't go beyond bad words... I'm certain you are logical and it is obvious you love your daughter so I know I don't really need to "talk you into this." I think I just needed to put it out there for my own peace of mind, so please don't be offended, this comment really has nothing to do with you. : )

Michelle - posted on 06/05/2012

Charley, everyone says punish her, I have a 14 year old son and I have found that grounding and taking things away don't work.

My 14 year old cusses, smart mouths and does not come home when he is told to. He has even stoled money from us (change), he has got into 3 fights in school, though the other kids started it. My son has kicked me and his dad once, shoved me once and twisted my arm once (this was 3 months ago) he just pushed me 3 days ago. My husband and I have called the police on him and the police said that when he cusses or smart mouths us to just slap him in the mouth as long as we do not leave a bruise we have the right to hit him after the first time he will never do it again, do not back down, tell him if he repeats a nasty word to us or smart mouths we will do it again. We tell him to do something and we will not tell him more than 2x if we have to tell him more then we will take the belt to him. He does what he is told on the 2x.

It works!
Do what you say your going to do and do not let them run over you. Make sure you let them know you mean bussiness. Let them know cussing you is called harrassement they can go to jail and you will press charges, Hitting you is assult and battery, tearing your house or anything you own up is distrution of priviate property and they can go to jail, taking your car is stealing and they can go to jail. You will not bail them out either.

If you do not do what you say then they will know they can get away with anything.

feel free to write me anytime with any questions.

I am a stay home wife and mom.
Michelle
countrygirlmh@yahoo.com

Angie - posted on 06/04/2012

I once received a phone call from the principal about an intercepted note my oldest son had wrote about his teacher in 5th grade. The principal was embarrassed to repeat the language to me, but I assured him I would not be offended by him repeating it as I needed to know what I was dealing with....Lordy, I never knew he knew such words, certainly not language used in our household & yes, I occassionally let a cuss word slip, but not these. He had to wash his own mouth out as I was repeating those vulgar words to him of how dirty it must be & he better scrub it good; I also asked how proud his grandpa (his male role model) would be to hear of this behavior, maybe we should call him up to tell him his new words...and that response was oh no, I won't be doing it again. I know he cussed later in life, but has always been respectful around me, his elders, his teachers, and children since. We went through a small rebellion period when he was 17-18 that he cussed at me, but when things calmed down, it was one of the 1st things he apologized for. Now at almost 21, he just admonished his girlfriend to watch her language in front of me..."because it's disrespectful".

When I caught my younger one at age 11-12 using vulgar language on the computer, he lost those rights until he could show me he was responsible enough to utilize it properly. He still doesn't have facebook privileges at 14 because he doesn't think it's my "business" to monitor and check it.

I think staying true to your morals and expectations for them, even letting them know how disappointed you are the word choices she was using...because even though sometimes it seems all they want to do is battle you, they really do thrive on our approval. Best of luck to you :)

Jen - posted on 06/03/2012

@Kristi, no problem. I'm with April. You have to totally pick and choose your battles. What is important to you? What is not so much? You have to give them some freedom to make some mistakes, that's how they learn. My kids were not allowed to go out on dates until high school. Now they are in high school and my nerves are racked, but they have been totally cool with it. They actually think I'm much stricter than I am. They are not allowed to be outside or have people over if an adult is not home (there usually is an adult home) and must be in the house by street light o'clock on school nights (when the street lights come on, better be in the house). They can go to the mall with their friends if they have a ride set up to/from, I know which mall they'll be at (we have four in our metro area), and they have their cell phones... but only on the weekend. Week nights are school/family nights. I have a white board with two different colored markers - that is how they are assigned their chores. If I get home and they are on the computers and their chores/homework is not done, they lose all things electronic for a week.

I have given them each tastes of varying types of alcohol to get the "hype" away from it. It's not a big deal to them, and quite honestly they'd rather have sprite. They have seen what drugs can do to someone (I have introduced them to druggies and strippers) and have no desire to do drugs of any kind. I may have some pretty alternative parenting beliefs but I have good kids. If the worse thing I have to worry about is the unintentional F bomb... well... it could be worse.

Kristi - posted on 06/02/2012

Jen & April...

I really like what you had to say. Very smart and logical. I'm always glad to get the notifications when someone has posted after me so I can see what other moms have to say. It is great to get reassurance when you see other moms doing and/or feeling the same things you are and it is gives me hope when I get new suggestions and ideas to help me do a better job at parenting my daughter. Anyways, thanks for sharing your wisdom.

April - posted on 06/01/2012

I know you probably have heard this over and over, but she's just testing her independence. Like Jen Thornton before me, I'm a little more relaxed in my parenting and have a handful of "MUST..."s and "IN STONE"s but the rest is up for discussion in our home. Foul language at 13 probably makes her feel strong and powerful in a situation in which she may feel out of control.

Again, like Jen Thronton before me, be a tad easier - as long as you don't hear her use it in your home or around any other adults, swear on.

Oh, and for the discipline with the iPod, you can get into your account at Apple and set Parental Controls. Find the Control that filters language and turn it on High. It will make all the swear words - incoming and outgoing - be all jumbled when it gets posted. It's kind of funny...

Don't take away too much at once in terms of discipline (discipline -- NOT punishment) because this isn't the be-all-end-all of her boundaries. The further out she tests the boundary, the harsher the discipline. Consider you and her in a bulls-eye with the outside edge as the very widest of her boundaries. The dart board has several different circles around it, "boundaries" if you will. As she grows older and begins to push back, let some little stuff go: backtalk under their breath (we will NEVER win that one), leaving a mess behind them (yes they must clean it up, but it can wait until the attitude fizzles), past curfew without a phone call (and this is also something to pick apart - just a few minutes should probably get a warning, but after 20 minutes with no phone call...).

Anyway, you get the idea. The strange phenomenon that happens is that you are in complete control again and your daughter secretly wants and appreciates those boundaries. They make her feel safe no matter how much she rages.

Live your values and I promise some of it will stick to her as she matures. Stay strong and peaceful. That one always gets 'em!

Jen - posted on 06/01/2012

I guess I'm one in a million when it comes to this topic with my teenagers. I am not naive enough to believe that they don't curse, but I do not tolerate it around adults as that is very disrespectful and they have the possibility to get popped in the mouth for disrespect. Around your friends, whatever, you sound stupid - but whatever.

But I also curse like a sailor when I get mad, so.... (and I'm highly educated)

Sharon - posted on 05/24/2012

If you are satisfied with the punishment Good for You!

Just calmly make sure she understands that the Ipod will be the last of the punishment things to be returned because of the way she was using it.

Might want to make sure she realizes she doesn't have one of *those* and that it really sounds ridiculous when a 13 yr old doesn't know what she does have and that it is not acceptable to talk that way (which you have already done).

Then, sit back and wait for the next curve ball she throws your direction. Believe me there will be more (good and bad)

Nah, she is not a freak from bad parenting. And by the way, I had to have the same chat with my daughter, she was 11 at the time and now, at 14 knows how ridiculous it sounded. She will comment on it from time to time that she really was a knothead. (This is just to let you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel) We still have issues that come up every now and then, but I try to deal with them one at a time.

Charley - posted on 05/20/2012

I just wanted to say THANK YOU to every one of you that responded!!! I normally ask my mom about these sorts of problems when they arise but lately I haven't been calling her as much or when I do I try not to bring up any issues or problems going on in my home because she's been sick actually she just got home from another vacation in the hospital. So I'm doing my best not to get her too excited or upset especially since one of her biggest problems is her heart. Anyways back to my daughter...so far I have taken her iPod away. I had also grounded her from her pc and any video games though I only took them away for 2 days. I figured taken her iPod (she ADORES that thing) and not allowing her to go to the Mall this weekend was probably punishment enough. Oh and I have been making her clean a little more than usual which is really 'never' to be honest. Though now my only problem is 'when' should I allow her to have her iPod back? I figured I'd gradually give her back all her privileges except I think I should keep her iPod from her the longest...I'm just not sure how long is enough or how long is too long. I mean it is the device she was using to converse on and where I found the bad language. She didn't just use words like d*mn or Sh** or a**....she told someone to quote."suck her imaginary d**k"!That's why it bothers me so much.I want to say it one more time...I do really appreciate every one of you for your advice!!! It has helped me! And I know now that my daughter's not just a freak from bad parenting(I mean that in the sweetest way possible...loll)!So Thank You All!!!~XOX~

Kristi - posted on 05/19/2012

I have to admit, Charley, I started swearing when I was in 6th grade because I thought my older, male next door neighbor would think I was cool. Shamefully, I still swear & I'm 41. However, I don't swear in front of my elders, in public or around children. (unless my 13 year old gets trapped in the car when I get a little attack of roadrageitius) When I do hear others, teens & adults alike, dropping the F-Bomb & talking like Andrew Dice Clay, I want to puke. I think combining 2 of the strategies mentioned, you being a potty mouth around her (if conducive to your home environment) & containment might work best. Let her know that although you don't approve, if she is going to use that language she still has to respect others who don't want to hear it. I used the soap on my step daughter when she was around 10, but she was out of control. I was consistent & eventually she chose to be respectful over the soap. I guess this probably doesnt help because I didn't offer anything new but I feel for you & was hoping to lend a little cyber support. I'm new here too & I don't have any idea what I'm doing, I hope you post again with a positive progress report. Good luck!

Louise - posted on 05/18/2012

I have been through this with two teenage sons who are now 21 and 18. I have to say that at your daughters age it is something they do to fit in. Teenagers swear to sound older and to be cool. Dont be to strict with her unless you actually hear her say these words.

My sons never swore in the house or round the family although they did with there mates I presume. You can look at any facebook account of any teenager and it will be covered in expletives!

Just tell her that you are very upset by her choice to cave to peer pressure and that you thought that she was stronger than that. Tell her to stand out from the crowd by not being foul mouthed. Boys dont like potty mouthed women, they like nice girls they can take home to there mother!

Other than that to a certain extent back off. If she is not saying these words within earshot she is being at tipical teenager, you will not win this battle, so just try and contain it a bit.

Helene - posted on 05/17/2012

I am half way through a book I ordered on Amazon.com. It's excellent!!! It's called "Have a Good Teenager by Friday by Leman. It has a chapter on what to do for your problem. It's simple and it works. The key is make sure you stay even. Don't have sarcasm in your tone of voice or revenge.

Sharon - posted on 05/17/2012

Pretty new here myself. I just checked out the circles and joined some interesting ones. Don't know if that helps but I sort of do a poke around thing and then decide where to try to fit in.

I just know that I enjoy talking with people so this is as good as any place and it's not taking me away from home for extended hours and I can drink my own coffee and only have to listen/join a conversation that I feel I have something to offer to it.

Some of my ideas are a little radical and off the wall, but really some do work.

Have a good weekend.

Charley - posted on 05/17/2012

I thank you very very much for your advice.At this point I'm willing to try anything.I have taken everything from her but she just shrugged it all off.Then told me,"What do you except?All my friends talk like that.And I don't speak like that I just texted it,"! I know she isn't stupid by any means!She's actually very smart.She reads all the time and she's also very artistic,she gets that from her dad.Anyways like I said I do very much appreciate your advice and after consulting with her father I think we just might try the old soap trick.But only if we can't get through to her first,of course.Thank you very much Sharon!I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post!!!Oh and just for the record I don't know anything about the "circles" so if you have any suggestions on that I'd greatly appreciate your input on them and whether or not to join one and if so which one to join. Thank You!

Sharon - posted on 05/17/2012

Well, there's the "break out the soap routine" and wash her mouth out with soap, literally.

Or Take her somewhere where she can hear a woman speaking like that and see how ridiculous it sounds.

Or Maybe spend a couple days throwing it around on your own when she is around, she will be able to see/hear what it sounds like coming from mom and will understand that it is not at all ladylike.

If she really doesn't care or thinks it's cool, then none of this will work. Let her know that other women don't like that kind of talk and it won't win her any prizes. That in reality even guys don't like a lady talking like that and it won't get her anyone that she would want to bring home to meet her parents.

I have a 14 yr old and this can be a really horrible time for them trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be. I hated being that age and I feel sorry for girls that are that age. My suggestions border on being unacceptable but sometimes at 13 they can be unreasonable (I was) and "shock therapy" works (like hearing mom toss around that kind of language.) You might want to warn your husband and the rest of the family. Of course if there are younger ones, don't bother using the language, they will think it is ok then. Try the deep explanations. She is not dumb, just young.