I kicked my 18 year old son out yesterday...

Terrie - posted on 12/30/2011 ( 274 moms have responded )

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My son has been a problem child since he was about 14 or so -- I can't remember the age for sure since it seems like forever. He's punched numerous holes in walls, broken a lot of things, been verbally and physically abusive. We've caught him smoking pot. He's been arrested 5 times for possession & paraphanalia. The courts kept sending him back home to us since he was a juvinile, telling me that if I don't come pick him up I'll be charged with child abandonment.
The last time was a couple of months before his 18th birthday so they charged him as an adult. They were going to send him to a diversion program after he paid a $250 fine and then it'd be dropped from his record. We told him that he'd better look for and try to find a job because we won't pay a penny of it. Of course he didn't, missed his next court date and then recieved a letter from the courts saying that he now has a $1500 fine and a warrant. We won't pay that either. Since he thinks that he's an adult because he's 18 now we've told him that he needs to man up & handle it himself.
Nope, we don't pay for a cell phone, give him a penny nor give him access to our cars. He thinks we're horrible, cheap & lousy parents and says that we don't love him since we've tried to keep him on a short leash. We've tried to for years, taken him to psychiatrists, psycologists, had family counseling, rehab -- You name it. We keep asking ourselves what we've done or are doing wrong. They all say that it's not us and that what we're doing is right -- even his probation officers. We still wonder. We've gone round and round with him. We've written out and given him our family and house rules, had discussions (and yelling matches) about them. He's still disrespectful, calls us horrible names, will do no chores and sneaks out -- sometimes not coming home at all for a day or two.
This last week has been horrible. He was gone for two days at Christmas and was sooo disrespectful and nasty. Unfortunately my mom was here from out of state and witnessed it... mortifiing to me but she really backed me up emotionally thank God.
Yesterday just out of the blue he went off on me, screaming & yelling for at least half an hour. I stayed calm as best as I could, talked to him, tried to calm him down & finally just walked away. A few minutes later as I was doing my hair & getting ready to take Mom to the airport I heard glass break. Our dining room table has - or now had - a glass top over the wood table. It was "an accident" of course. Funny how every time he destroys something it's an "accident"-- A hole in a door, a wall in the bathroom, a lamp, floor fans etc.
Yesterday was my breaking point. I told him to get out. He pleaded with me but I didn't back down. After he left I noticed that he'd been having quite a conversation on the computer.and in the midst of things left it up. He's dealing pot and someone owes him $500. I have no idea where he is and it scares me to death. I packed most of his clothes in trash bags & sat them out on our front porch along with a letter. In the note I told him how much we love him but he needs to straighten out his life. I told him that if he tries to get into the house we'll call the police & possibly file a restraining order. We changed the locks on the doors. That was the hardest letter that I've ever written.
I hope he realizes that we still love him. He's still my baby no matter what but I know that it had to be done. My heart is broken & I'm falling apart. I can't stop crying...

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Maria San - posted on 05/28/2013

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Hi Tanya. Something that has helped our family is to write down the rules/expectations and the consequences if they are not followed. For instance, you could write down, "You are not permitted to let guests come into our house without our permission. You may not sneak anybody into our home. If you do this again, you will have to move out immediately." We wrote down all of the rules and consequences and reviewed them with our son. Now, when he chooses not to abide by our rules, he knows what to expect. It is not a surprise. He was told in advance what would happen and if he chooses to break the rule he is also choosing to accept the consequence. We did this with our son and for the last month he has been complying. When he breaks a rule, we stick to the consequence and there hasn't been any yelling or arguing, or ugliness because we all know what to expect. So far, he hasn't broken any rule that would require him to move out, but I fully expect him to do it. I fully expect that he is not going to come home some weekend, stay out all night partying, and use weed and get drunk. When that happens, he knows that he had better have some place to stay because his things will be in a box on the porch. We have told him multiple times and he believes it, so the choice is his. He knows the next time he decides to party all weekend and not come home, he won't be able to live here any more and that he is the one that gets to choose. There are some good articles online that you can read. One is called Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I by James Lehman. Here is the link, but you can also Google it. http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-B... There are some other links within the article that are very helpful. I have found my son's transition from child to young adult to be very stressful and have realized that we have given him so many good options and that our rules are reasonable and that he is the one that is choosing for things to be bad. It is okay for us to have rules and boundaries in our home and our son can choose to accept them or not. He is an adult and he can create his own home with his own rules someplace else. It is really hard as a parent to say this because I know how ill-prepared he is and that he doesn't have a plan. Unfortunately, my son has to experience things in order to really understand them. He will have to experience sleeping on somebody else's couch, and asking people if he can stay with them, and being told it's time for him to leave before he comes to the realization that it is better to comply with our reasonable house rules than to be at the mercy of his friends. We all hate to see our kids fall down, but when you have given a lot of good guidance, a lot of really good options and a lot of chances and they are disrespectful and ungrateful in return, then it is time to set them free and let them live on their own. I am struggling to do it because I believe it, but it isn't easy. We have given our son a really good foundation to live life, and I hope that one day he remembers his training. In the meantime, I am just doing a lot of praying and staying true to our family values.

Maria San - posted on 08/30/2013

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Hi again Misha. I have some input about not giving up hope. We can be hopeful for our children and still love them without enabling them to do the wrong things and without taking their abuse. People should not confuse love and hope with not taking the appropriate actions and steps to improve a situation. When we stop supporting our children, it does not mean that we have given up hope or that we do not love them. I love my son and will help him do anything good. I have a tremendous amount of hope for my son and I am not giving up that hope. I will be there for him when he decides that he wants to do good things. I will not help him or enable him to do bad things. He can choose. By continuing to provide for our unmotivated children, we enable them to not work or not get an education. We enable them to commit crimes like using drugs, selling drugs, and stealing. We allow them to remain unmotivated to change because there are no consequences. We protect them no matter what they do wrong. I love my son too much to help him do bad things. I have to say no, I will not help you use drugs. No, I will not help you sell drugs. No, I will not help you be uneducated and not get a job. That means I have to say, no, I will not support you as long as you are doing these things. If you want to do good, I will support you. I will help you go to college or trade school. I will help you find a job. I will help you by providing food and a home. By detaching from children that absolutely refuse to live under descent, law abiding, and reasonable rules, and by no longer enabling them, we are actually helping them. I am extremely hopeful that my son is going to mature and become a responsible adult. I am certain that living in our home is not the right place for him. We have seen that he does not thrive in our home so I am hopeful that he will find his place in life where he will thrive. When our kids don't turn out as we expect and don't behave as we expect, we feel guilty and responsible and we want to keep trying to make them right. At some point, we have to realize that our kids need to be responsible for their own actions and the only way they learn how is when we stop fixing the things they break and make them fix things themselves.

Donna - posted on 06/19/2013

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OMG..I just stumbled across this website while at work, trying to search for some answers to my problem...I just had the police escort my 18 year old son out of my home last night. His dad and I are currently living in seperate households and he has already fought him and disrespected him to no end. I have been trying to protect him, and make excused for him for the longest and last night it came to an end. He has drove our cars recklessly, I have 2 cars down now because of him and I came home last night from work to find my bed broke (it has wooden slates to hold the matress and they were all busted. My son is 6'2"- 285lbs, so needless to say he has no reason to be jumping or whatever he was doing on my bed, but when i asked him about it of course he immediately starts in with a lie, so I started going off because that's what he always does, he never takes responsiblity for his actions. Well for the first time ever in his life, he jumps up and start cursing at me, saying he doesn't give a f*** anymore, I mean he was yelling at me like I was some B**** on the street. I have bent over backwards for this boy!!! He just graduated from highschool on June 1, so I'm glad we made it from there and I've been holding my tongue up until this point. So I am 5'1", no match for his size, and had no weapons in the house, so I called the cops because he was in my face like he was going to cock me one. I said to him calmly that he needs to get out of my house, he wasnt moving fast enough, so I called the police to help him. I am feeling both mad as hell and very very hurt. You never think that your child would act such a way, but I have seen signs over the past year or so and it just got worse one his dad and I split. Its just good to know that there are other mothers/parents going through the same thing and maybe we can all gain strength from reading other similar stories, reading today somehow lets me know that I made the right decision although its killing me...

Cory - posted on 05/29/2013

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I too can relate to your story, I have a 18 year old as well. He has given our family a ton of grief for the past 4 years. He smokes pot all day, every day, steals , destroyed thousand of dollars worth of stuff in our house. we've had him at at least 5 pych dr's , counsels,therapy -you name it!. my husband were hands on with his school( private) sports, field trips etc---. not sure why the train came of the tracks. i have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep for at least two years. didn't mention he's been arrested twice as well. I finally had enough and told him he has to live elsewhere. He claimed he had nowhere to go. I have to follow through and kick him out otherwise he just repeats the same mistakes again and again. I love him more then life but I can't and my other 3 kids can't live like this another day.I pray everyday he will finally "Want" to get the much needed help he so desperately needs.

Emerald - posted on 05/24/2013

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I'm only 22 years old so I still remember what it was like being 18 years old.. I honestly think you're spoiling him. At 18 years old I moved out on my own, it's when I got my first (yes first) cell phone and job and I had to buy my own car (all while still finishing highschool). It was tough in some situations, like the fact I fuond out what evictions can do to you for 10 years on your credit... But I grew up so fast from all that.. Now I know what I need to do to put my life on track especially now since I have two beautiful kids. My stepparents and I are estranged (they were abusive) I would kill to have someone to help me but I don't... These kids are so lucky they have a roof to live under and they know it but they feel you "owe" it to them. I think the only thing most parents do wrong is NOT kick out their teen at 18 at least after they graduate, but it's not right to shield them of the real world. You've done your job and you clothed, fed and kept a roof over their heads you did your part now it's his/ her part to learn of the real world. :)

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Debbie - posted on 04/06/2014

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Terri....Please give us an update! Hope all is well and that you are having a great relationship with your son now!

Venus - posted on 04/05/2014

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Its really sad how are kids act towards us.My daughter hurt me so much,not touching me in other ways.I pray cause god listen.I swear She really need an wake up call.These kids are so foul,,to put there parents through this.I have always been an single mom,weather if I had someone or not.but always and still trying to do what's right for my kids.

Venus - posted on 04/05/2014

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18 year old steal from me,her brother and sister.nasty but think she so fine.Been through cops,judge mentor.She try and get phones in my younger kids name.She lie's don't do nothing.I'm about to start working and I kno obvious that I can't depend on her with help.I told her if that hard up for an phone then u need to work the streets.I have been through so much crap with her.I'm So Tired.I'm not comfortable in my home.She's not on drugs and very smart.But she is Dumb.Help Advice like it really would help.Do she need an check.

Fran - posted on 03/29/2014

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hang in there Stephanie and tracy as hard as it is. you will just get more of the same if you let them back in again! they CHOSE not to follow YOUR RULES under YOUR HOME. It will take time, but we must remain strong by our decision. I see changes already. he is living in a good shelter and getting a lot of support. he applied for welfare yesterday so and making plans to find a place to live as he can only stay at the shelter for a month or a bit longer. I find when I am with him, it is toxic and find I can't be around him for very long. I just took him to some medical appts this week but told him for the next ones, HE will be responsible to remember he dates and take the bus to get there. I know he ws annoyed yesterday with me as I was asking him questions and he was tired. we then passed by home as he wanted to pick up a couple of things. he asked to take a shower since he was here...sure enough, messy as heck again! and couldn't wait for him to leave. I think we need some distance for now and I have to stop being so meddling and leave him be for now.

Stephanie L - posted on 03/28/2014

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I came into work just filled with guilt, looking for some type of assurance I am doing the right thing. MY 18 year old I put out 3 months ago. All of a sudden him and h is girlfriend have no where to go, he will not leave me alone to come back home. But as I read so many stories on here, I felt so many people understand and live the same life. The breaking of windows, doors,holes in the wall. The constant cussing me out non stop, arguing with his brother and sister. No respect leaves for days wont answer my calls I worry. I love my son so much, but I sit and close my eyes knowing I let him back in I will just live the same life again. I was sick of being his verbal punching bag!!!! But I get torned knowing its my son. My other two have it good, work, have a place to stay. Im just confused!!

Tracy - posted on 03/25/2014

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My son is not yet 18 until May 2. He has been kicked out of our home at least 4 times now. Each time we let him come back saying never again. He is disrespectful, doesn't care about anyone's stuff but his. Doesn't go to school only maybe for an hr here and there. Steals our stuff to sell to buy pot, doesn't have a job or any motavation to get one, says he hates his life and wants to kill himself but won't get help. The list goes on and on. He was let move home about a month ago promised this time he had changed and would not be disrespectful. From day 1 it's been one thing after another so yesterday we finally had to have him escorted out by police again. It breaks my heart, I feel like the worst mother in the world. I have tried everything for him. My heart is breaking because he really has no where to go and can't even get welfare til he turns 18. I know I made the right choice but its killing me. How do I deal with the heart ache???

Fran - posted on 03/25/2014

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Hello, i came across this posting and am too going through turmoil with my 18 year old son...strange that it seems these problems are more with boys than girls (just an observation). Last Friday, i came home and i can honeslty say, it has been hell living here. I never know what to expect when i arrive from work and the only solace i have is driving to and from work (sad to say). Well last friday, i was greeted by an overbearing smell of burning meat and smoke in my home. My son had the sliding door open in an effort to air it out. I asked him what he did and he said he trying frying up some frozen meat. He has done this before and have asked him not to use the stove as he nearly burned my kitchen down before! Anyhow, i tried to stay calm and asked him to clean up all the grease covered dishes, pots/pans and the mess he made on my floor (covered in greased as it must have splattered as he cooked). He refused saying he was tired so i bit my tongue and said to do it before the end of the evening. Well 11 pm rolls around and i see him going downstairs to play video games. I asked him to clean up like he said he would. He refused...i got more agressive with him and he pushed me back quite hard....i said don't lay your hands on me! (mind you he is 6'2, 290 lbs -big boy!). At that point i told him to go upstairs NOW and clean up the mess he made and i would help him as well. So he stomps upstairs, goes to the sink , takes a plate and smashes it to the ground!! Glass went flying everywhere and ended up slashing my big toe on my foot! I started bleeding quite heavily. All he said to me was 'payback in a bit**'. I was crying at that point and should tell you all he had a history of continuous stealing of credit cards, money, lying to me...you name it i can't count the number of times i have had to replace my cards, change PIN numbers etc etc. He doesn't go to school...rarely sleeps in til 2pm and has no motivation to do anything other than play games all day long! He has adhd, anxiety, insomnia issues. At that point i told him he had to leave! Mind you he had no concern at all for the fact i was hurt and bleeding! He went upstairs while i called a local home/shelter for youths in my community. He knew at that point i meant business! he came down with his clothes packed begging me to let him stay and he would clean up! I said...too late i have had enough and this can't continue!. I remained firm as hard as it was. He then goes into the hallway and takes a large glass mirror on the wall and smashes down on the floor...more glass flying, i had drops of blood all over the floor, counter, and glass everywhere...it looked like a murder fight scene. He again appologized at that point i was furious and feaful too that he would physcially hurt me so i said either leave NOW or i would get the police to escort him out! I shoudl mention he had surgery for a proceedure a few weeks ago and couldn't lift heavy things so grudgingly i agreed to drive him to the shelter and afterwards i drove to emergency to get stitches on my foot. He had no concern at all for me! Next day he phoned me to see how i was. I saw him Sunday, and oddly enough we met for lunch and it seems some of the tension between us has diminished, he said sorry for what he did and we spoke about possiblity of him moving out and finding a place. Monday he actually went to school (for 2 periods...but hey he went to school!) and he looked awake and alive rather than the usual zombie look he has from lack of sleep and staying up all night! He was well groomed and looked like a different person. I am thankful he is not into drugs. Part of me is killing me right now and i fear something terrible will happen to him but he seems to be doing well and i have to back off for now as hard as it is. I stopped the constant texting and phone calls...that i did last time he was in the shelter for a week, only to ask him to come back home. This time, i am going at it a differnt way....let him experience and fact the consequences of his actions! May be this is the solution...we need space and he needs to become more independent and hopefully find a job eventually. I am still h ere toi support him and take him for counselling, but i have done all i can at this point the rest is up to him! My health was suffering with high bp, insomnia, panic attacks, stomamch issues, anxiety you name and i feel it h as helped with the distance between us. I have to let him grow up and let him be. I still feel guilty, he is living in a place where they sleep in bunk beds (4 to a room) and share 1 bathroom...whereas at home he had access to his own bedroom, 3 bathrooms,. entire basement. He lived 5 mins away from school...now it takes him over an hour to get to school from the shelter....but this is his choice! He didn't follow my rules in my home and giving him constant chances just cause things to escalate and get worse.

Please pray for me to find the strength that i can continue my stance and not 'give in' out of guilt as i am akin to do!! Thank you for your inspiring advice and to all the mothers going thru this, is is comforting to know we are doing the right thing as hard as it is!

Rhonda - posted on 03/18/2014

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Thank you Maria. I am so glad your son is at that point and also realizes that the choices he makes for friends has a big impact on his recovery. That does give me hope.
My son did decide to go to rehab. I was very pleased with his decision because I was was not going to back down with our rules. I was really fearful that he would end up at the mission downtown. He really is at a crucial decision time. I think he is taking steps in the right direction, but he will have to pull out all the stops to be successful. They have a saying in AA that "half measures avail us nothing". Success would include changing his friends which I am not sure he is ready to do. I do hope that he nips this in the bud now while he is young. I attend AA and have experienced or heard of others experiencing terrible hardships before hitting their bottom. I am worried what my son's bottom is as he has already experienced a lot of hardship. I can definitely attest that going back out NEVER gets better. I have not heard anyone say that it does in all my years of AA. At any rate, for now I am at peace knowing he is in rehab. We will then take it one day at a time. I am trying to let faith overcome my fear.
Good suggestion about NAR-anon. I knew about Al-Anon, but not this. I will check to see if there is one in my area.
Robin, I am of of the same belief that there are demonic spirits involved. I agree with you, thank you for your feedback.

Robin - posted on 03/18/2014

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At 18 he is an adult. as a Catholic belief demons attach themselves to drug addicts. he needs prayer and may need to be kicked out to hit his bottom. he needs drug rehab, but won't do it until you play hard ball. I would pray to Jesus for him also go to Al anon.

Maria San - posted on 03/16/2014

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Ladies, it can get better. I do strongly suggest that you start attending Nar-Anon meetings. That experience will help you and will give you strength. Our son, who is now 19, was doing all of this same stuff, weed, prescription pills, alcohol and all of the bad behaviors that come with it. We went to family drug therapy with him and he lied throughout and continued doing all of those destructive things. It didn't seem to matter what we tried, it didn't work. Drugs are more powerful than any effort we could make. We took the advice of our counselors and did start attending Nar-Anon meetings. We also set expectations and told him he could choose to live at home under certain conditions or he could choose to live some place else. He could not stop using or disrespecting and so we considered that to be him choosing to live someplace else. He couch hopped for several months, got into some trouble and finally, thank God, decided he could not live that way any more. He hit his low and decided he needed and wanted help. We were able to get him into a rehab program and now he has been clean for 3 months. He completed the in-patient part of the program and is now in a sober living house. He appears to be committed to the process and we have seen a huge change in him. We have seen a lot of maturity in the last three months, probably the result of stopping the drug use and allowing his brain to continue its growth. Anyway, we are very hopeful for him. Things are not perfect but he is on the right path. He isn't always taking leaps but he does take steps in the right direction and that is so good to see. We felt helpless and hopeless for a very long time. He had to hit his bottom and decide on his own that he needed and wanted help. We had to stop enabling him and providing for him and fixing things for him in order for that to happen. He recently told me that in retrospect, even though he was angry with us for all of the actions we took back then, he now knows they were the right things for parents to do and he appreciates us being strong and not enabling him. I still have moments of doubt and worry about him and just pray that he continues down the right path. My point is that it can get better and for us, it started when we went to Nar-Anon and family counseling. You can do it with or without his participation, but you definitely do need to take care of yourself. It is true that addicts can only change and get on the right track when they decide for themselves that it is time. In our case, we had to stop enabling him by providing his support (housing, transportation, phone) and let him realize how bad his life had become because of his behaviors. It took us a long time to get to this point, but we are thankful that things are moving in the direction they are going. He has also realized that the people you hang around with influence how you behave. He is now hanging around with others who are recovering and want to get better instead of people that encourage him to do destructive things. The change in him is remarkable. He admits that he still has desires to use but his desire to change is much stronger now and his involvement in AA, rehab, and counseling is reinforcing his recovery. I pray that your boys and you get to the same place. Please strongly consider going to a Nar-Anon meeting. They have a saying, "Keep coming back. It works if you work it." I have found it to be true. Stay strong. Stay hopeful. And let's pray for us all.

Rhonda - posted on 03/13/2014

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Thanks, Jean. I really appreciate that. I hate that anyone is going through the same thing, but it does help to get feedback from those who understand.

Jean - posted on 03/13/2014

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Rhonda I am not sure how much consolation it is to you but everything you are saying and going through is just like me. I worry also of police showing up at my door saying my son is dead but as you said - it has to be handed over to God. To be honest I have struggled with God and if he truly hears my prayers. I really struggle with belief in these times. This also has been years for us and as my friends say - they do not know how I am still going after everything. I do not know either and most days I am barely hanging on. It is literally killing me inside but I try hard to put on a good front and realize I do not deserve the treatment or abuse from this boy. I would lay down my life for him and yet he is trashing all over us. So, so sad. And yes - a huge yes that people who offer advice do not know what it is like. I have tried absolutely everything also. People say why do you give him chances, etc. but how can you not??? It is your child. No Mom has a baby and looks in their eyes and says "when you get big you will make life hell for us all and will be a druggie and bum". Really? These are young men now. They have to grow up and stand on their own two feet. We did not bring them up this way. Anyways, I am sorry to go on and on but as sad as it may sound - it helps in some strange way knowing others are also struggling with this type of thing. One of my dear friends who lives far away also went through it with her son so they kicked him out at 18. He lived in a flop house, did all kinds of drugs, got in trouble with the law but now is going back to school and trying to straighten his life out. I only pray our young men will find that path. Be strong friend. I can not hug you but I am hugging you in my heart and shedding a tear for your heartache also.

Rhonda - posted on 03/13/2014

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Jean, thank you for your reply. You make a good point about that we might as well be giving them the drugs if we let them continue on. My son as well has burned bridges with family by stealing or other things, so I am not sure where he will go. He also has been in the ER multiple times for overdoses. I am worried sick but I feel this is something I must do in order not to tear the rest of the family apart. I am sorry for your situation as well, I don't wish it on anyone. I don't feel that people who have not seen it close up can understand. Someone told me last night to not give up on him and to get him help or he will be thrown to the wolves. They do not know the whole story and realize that has been all that we have been doing for the past 5-6 years. I mean there is only so much we can do. I am afraid he will die staying at our home or other places. He may well die, but I am going to have to leave it to God for my own sanity.

I really appreciate your reply it was very helpful to have from someone who has been there and understands. I do keep thinking about him laying at the park at night and I need to get that image out of my mind. He will not die out there, we will give him food and he is choosing that. We have offered treatment, halfway houses, and will take him to the mission if necessary. I hope someone will take him in, that will help. I am just all over the place, sorry. I just have to get this out somewhere besides my husband and my support group with people who understand. I probably should go to NAR anon.

However, my resolve has been strengthened today and I think I can do it.

Jean - posted on 03/12/2014

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Rhonda - my heart is crying with you. I am still sick about my son. He was doing drugs also, stealing from us so we also had to lock things up, sold his own belongings including a winter coat, so many things. He even has taken countless over the counter meds and has been in the hospital many times for extreme stomach pains. I was at a loss. We gave him so many chances but he does not work, does not go to school and has no grade 12 yet, wants to come and go and party and sleep half the day. When we tried to address things he made himself out to be some helpless little boy. I know these boys can make it in life if they truly want to. We have done all we can and at some point we have to step away. Tough love is hardest on the parents who love them. By not stopping the way they are with us and everyone around them we are enabling them. We might as well be buying the drugs. I so wish I had a perfect answer. Some kids turn out amazing and do so well and others like ours struggle so much. I pray you will find some peace. My only peace is that in my home now there are no fights, no stealing, no messes for me to clean up, no things broken, no yelling and threats, no having to constantly walk on egg shells. That is my peace. Do I worry about my son? Every single moment of every day. We did not raise them to be this way..it is a choice they are making. My son has also been in trouble with the law and has stolen from family and friends so many do not want to be around him. I tell him everytime I speak to him how smart he is and how I know he is a good man who can make a positive change in his life. I hope one day it sinks in and he really does. Crying is good....it is part of the healing. Be strong friend.

Rhonda - posted on 03/12/2014

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I came across this because I threatened to kick my 18 year old son out and was second guessing my decision. He has had a serious drug problem since about the age of 14 and will take anything he can get his hands on. I sincerely wish it was just pot. However, he takes over the counter cough medicine with DXM (really bad), alcohol, pills, has taken cocaine, and most recently meth and a few week long heroin binge. We have had him in multiple rehabs, multiple psych facilities, op facilities, long term facilities, counseling, and he was also in detention where he was sexually assaulted. He has been in trouble multiple times with the law. The judge said he has the worst drug problem he has seen. He is currently in detox (we think he did that to get suboxone which is another story ) but he will not commit to a treatment center for 30 days. We suggested a half way house that we would pay for but he does not want to do that either. He does not want counseling for the incident that happened in detention. So for the person who suggested involving the law -- that is a tricky option. Detentions are terrible places to be. He was also choked there until he passed out once. He is typically not a violent person (except screaming and badgering us to no end when he does not get is way) so he is easily picked on in detention. I have a 15 year old daughter that is impacted by this -- she does not want anything to do with drugs. I understand addiction because I am a recovering alcoholic, but I cannot help him if he does not want help. He does not want to go to NA meetings or give up his friends that he does drugs with. I don't know if he will have a place to go. I will keep paying for his phone so that I can track him to keep a sane mind. I told him he could stay if he would stop using, cannot see the friend he does heroin with, and needs to get a job and driver's license. We have not been able to teach him how to drive because he has either been in facilities or never sober long enough to learn how to drive. He has bi-polar but refuses to take his medication as directed. This is really taking me down thinking about it and I cannot stop crying, sometimes even at work. I also have until April 15th to find a job because they let go of our entire department and am having difficulty with keeping the motivation and clear mind to do that. A friend was telling me I need to focus on me and being at peace with God. I do believe in God but how can you have peace when you feel you must throw out your own child. I am not giving up on him but I am not sure I can continue with the heroin going on. There has been a lot of stealing as well and we keep everything locked up, but I could even put up with that. We are pretty forgiving people but when do you say enough is enough. I felt kind of weak because I am really overwhelmed and having some trouble functioning. However, after reading the other mom's posts I realize I am experiencing the same thing. Dad is upset but is not overwhelmed. It is a terrible roller coaster ride to be on. I don't know what we will do. I don't know if I can do it. But I know it will only get worse and I really don't want to see that close up. The addict will end up locked up or covered up. I better stop rambling, I have almost gotten myself crying again.

Cindy - posted on 03/05/2014

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A lot of what you said makes sense, but isn't all accurate. Maybe you are not an addict. Not all who smoke pot or drink become addicted. Along with the addiction comes the downward spiral of sinking deeper into muck by messing up with school, the law, work etc. The addicts main focus in life is their addiction and themselves. Sometimes making your kid leave is the best thing because it makes them very uncomfortable and gives them a chance to "hit their bottom" sooner rather than later. Keeping them home may not be actually keeping them safe, it can be enabling and making it easier for the kid to use and abuse. There are no 2 situations exactly the same. As well as each child is unique.

Aaron - posted on 03/05/2014

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I just wanted to give everyone some hope...

I was abused by my step-dad from age 11 until I left the home at age 15 (I went away to military boarding school by my own choice). As in, he’d choked me, bit me, snapped my finger in half (two lovely corrective surgeries later it still doesn’t work right) and punched me in the face. Due to this and perhaps other underlying issues, the relationship with my parents was predictably horrible. Many of the things mentioned in the OP's post as well as the comments section below were part of my life. As a matter of fact, those things continued for some time. I’d been arrested for stealing on multiple occasions and resisting arrest once, I was suicidal at several points throughout my age 11 to age 19 period. I managed to graduate high school with a 2.8 GPA (out of 4) only after things started to turn around my junior and senior year (1.9 sophomore year, 3.2 junior year, 3.6 senior year). Drugs continued to be an occasional issue, though they were more serious than pot, more of a social then a habitual thing. Casual sex was part of the trade, as well as excessive drinking. Anyway, long story short, between never having a dad, perhaps the way I was born? (not sure about this one), and having to deal with my mom dating, the abuse by my step-dad and then of course me blaming my mom for not protecting me, I was pretty screwed up.

Butttt and here’s the hope, things started turning around, my relationship with my mom & step dad (they’re still together) isn’t the kind of fairy tale relationships most parents hope for but atleast there is a relationship, and we talk, and I allow them to see their grandchildren and my wife and I. the fact remains that I’m highly successful in life. I am happily married now with two wonderful children of my own, and I’m in the dreaded “1%” so to speak financially. Far more successful than either of my parents ever were at the ripe old age of 32.

It’s hard for me to give you the answers each of you individually desire because every situation is different but I wanted to show you that sometimes, your prayers do get answered (I know my mother probably feels that way).

Joshua - posted on 03/03/2014

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I want to appolize for all the bad advice and condemning voices of everyone on this website. I think that you need to just accept that you did the best with what you had at that time and it wasn't perfect. But you did the right thing in letting him and changing the locks. Again, I'm sorry for all the poor advice and condemning words you may have heard on this forum.

Maria San - posted on 03/02/2014

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Jean, and other moms in this situation, what I suggest is that you get some help for yourself. When our kids take drugs and behave like this, we become codependent and enablers. We have to learn how to take care of ourselves instead of trying to control our adult children. The first thing you can do is go to a Nar Anon meeting. There are people there that have gone through the same things and can help you. Here is the Web address http://www.nar-anon.org/naranon/ If you are able to get some family counseling, maybe through your medical insurance provider, I would suggest you do that. Try to get your son into a rehab program for his addiction. If he won't go, you should still get help for yourself. My family and I have been through similar things. Life is getting better for all of us, including our son, and it started getting better when we got help. There is not an easy answer to this problem but I know that going to Nar Anon really helped me. You are not alone. Drug addiction is more powerful than most people believe. It makes our kids do things that we can't believe they do. We taught them differently but they are now controlled by addiction. Start taking care of yourself because the situation can make life unmanageable. Find a good support network and take care of yourself!

Jean - posted on 03/01/2014

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My heart is breaking as I read these posts as I could have written most of them. I have a 19 year old son who has been for the better part of the last 7 years a nightmare. Oh don't get me wrong - he is my heart! However how long do we continue to support and guide a kid like this before we have to turn and say - man up and grow up! We have kicked him out a couple of times and each time we think he is changing we let him home only to have things go back to the way they were before. Our son is taking drugs every day, not working, not attending school - oh the promises are there that he will, has no diploma even though he is smart enough for one. In the past we have also had things wrecked, holes in our walls, etc. Just this week alone he took my tablet and sold it but told us his friend broke it and he sold it to him for $20.00, whatever. He has also sold his good winter jacket this past week and two good belts. He has nothing of value left as he has sold everything and anything he owned. He has been in trouble with the law a couple of times. We are at a loss. It is winter and we can't throw him out due to that and he knows it and tells us that. I am so stressed and have to take sleeping pills every night or do not sleep. I am afraid to leave home in case he steals stuff and we have to keep our door locked. We have tried psychologists, police, etc. and nothing gets through. Talking, threatening encouraging go nowhere. I truly wish I could afford to send him to boot camp. He has been loved and supported and has not needed for anything so why do these kids turn out this way? Where did I go wrong in my parenting? I just love him so much but can not keep going this way. Thank God my husband is supportive of my decisions but he wants him out and hates seeing me so hurt. I am tired of praying because it goes nowhere. My prayers are falling on deaf ears. I am tired.

Sara - posted on 02/25/2014

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Hi - i have just joined today because i so need to talk to someone who understands.My husband left me 3 years ago and now lives over 300 miles away. My son has really suffered. he misses him so much but try as i might i cant get his father to see this !!! We were living in Spain and had to move back. My son was 16 and had to leave his girlfriend and all that he was used to. We moved back to our home town, somewhere he was familiar with. All our family are here so I thought that would help, But he has been so badly behaved. He didn't do well in school. I did expect this because he had to break from his studies in Spain. I had a lot of help from the school and there was a counciler there who he really connected with. He started doing weed basically straight away. When he left school i lost touch with the counciller. I tried to find him an apprenticeship in a garage because he always wanted to work with cars. I got him one and he started straight away and was doing so well. But he wouldn't go to college. They gave him so many chances but he wouldn't go so they had to end his apprenticeship. He has been arrested for possession of cannabis. I have tried so hard to make him stop taking it. He has a circle of friends who continue to smoke it and also legal high. Trouble is my boy takes it to forget how much he is hurting. He has punched holes in my walls. Kicked in 2 doors, ripped numerous shirts off his back in a temper i can only describe as mentally unstable. He is very abusive and calls me names I have never heard of and really don't want to repeat. He usually ends up crying and holding a photo that he has of himself and his dad. I know he doesn't hate me. I can take the shouting. But he is nearly nineteen now. He still hasn't got a job and he wont go out and find one. He started a college course last September and it seemed to be going alright but he has stopped going as much and I am scared he looses interest. He spends most of his time away from the house and usually comes back for short amounts of time. I know he is doing drugs and i beg him to stop. I tried to get him interested in the marines. He needs some stability and i don't know what else to do. His outbursts are getting worse if i pull him up for his behavior. I have a 14 year old daughter who is suffering and i cant let this go on.He seemed so keen to join the marines. But just lately he has lost interest, He is getting worse and i cant take it anymore. He needs counciling so badly but i don't think he will go. I really don't know what else to do.

Melissa - posted on 02/25/2014

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I have had to do the same with my son. He was stealing from us punching holes in the walls and being disrespectful. He also was bring guns and drugs into the house. He basically lives on people couches and I get calls in the middle if the night that he is freezing and has no where to goo. It breaks my heart but when I did give in a few times this winter he again stole from us and did not respect our property. I have begged him to get help for his mental health issues and drug issues. Every day I question myself if I am doing the right thing but I really have no choice. I will still occasionally give him rides but the last time he got mad and slapped me so that has to be then end of that. I hate that I do not want to be around him and that often I ignore his calls I almost wish he would be arrested so he would have 3 meals and a bed. But when info think that I think what a horrible mom I am. I just keep hoping that the power of prayer will give us the strength to get through this and get him the help he needs.

Brenda - posted on 02/22/2014

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My son is actually 20. He'll be 21 in May. He works part-time and goes to community college. This is his 3rd year there and still has one more semester after this one, I think. He is so disrespectful to both his dad and I. He doesn't lift a finger to do anything around the house. His room is always a mess. He has broken his closet door and punched holes in the wall. He doesn't pay rent. He uses our truck to get to and from school and work. He is always going out and spending money. My husband and I keep telling him to save money to but his own car. He tries to and then goes out with his friends and spends it. He smokes cigarettes and marijuana. I don't know if he does other drugs. I'm constantly asking myself what I did wrong with him. He's just so mean to us. I don't like to be home when he's here. He talks to me and is nice to me when he wants something. When he doesn't get what he wants, he acts like a two year old and starts yelling. I told my husband on several occasions that he needs to leave. This last episode. He wanted to go out. I told him no. I told him that I'm sure he has homework to do. Because he didn't get his way, he went downstairs and put the TV really loud. I had to gob downstairs to ask him to turn it down. I told him that once he starts acting like an adult, he'll be treated like one. My husband was downstairs watching TV. He fell asleep and my son left. He didn't come home until the next day. I told key husband that's the last straw. He needs to move out. I told my husband that we need to have our son's phone disconnected, take the truck away, and take him off our auto insurance. My don needs to know how much we do for him and give him. If he wants to act like he is on his own, then he should be in his own. Well all I could say is that my husband told me that I was COLD for wanting my son out. I love my son, but there are times when I don't like him. Now my husband is against me so I'm not sure what to do. My heart is aching so bad.

Chloe - posted on 02/19/2014

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I came across this post in the midst of my googling and decided to create an account just so I could write my own response to this. My teen years were unbelievable rough for me. To nip the first issue in the butt, "teenagers are mean." It's true, always have been always will be. What parents dont understand is that you are NOT your teen's friend. The bond that you create with them is the exact way they will react. Mothers and fathers want to be the controlling responsible parents but as we are growing up we stop wanting to be controlled. Teenagers own thoughts contradict what you tell them to do. Parents always say "why do you get along with your friends so well but not me?" and the answer is simple. You made yourself a controlling parent to me, I dont view you as my friend so treating you like one is hard. There are different levels of friendship as well as different types. Build a friendship with your kid that is not just fun but respectful as well. A friend to friend relationship works better. My grandma was and is still a stuck up prude bitch, but we had some conversations that meant something to me that I will forever remember. When my grandma would say something that didnt take to me nicely instead of going off on her I would remember our pleasant friendly conversations and all the times that we hung out and just chatted and remind myself that there are redeeming qualities about everyone. For the drug issue, As a teenager I tried numerous drugs at parties and concerts, I was never enough of a heavy user to get addicted luckily but weed??? I am reading these posts and almost every mothers complaint is that their child smokes weed. Congrats! Your child is just like every other kid! I recognize the arrogance in this when I say "It's 2014"! Weed is a drug that is being gradually re-accepted by the country. I smoked weed almost every day. Teenagers have heads full of evil and confusing thoughts that can consume and kill you. I was a basket case teenager, I must confess. I had mild anxiety and ADD so adding that to the list of hormones makes adolescence miserable. Smoking weed to me back then was a relaxing way to get me to focus. When you are high the little emotions and mood swings level out so your mind can wrap around the big picture, life. You forget about the unimportant things (ie: crushes, breakups, friend drama) and focus in on your own life, how you want it to be and how you will get there. All of my great ideas were concocted while I was high and executed while I was sober as it does make you a great deal more physically unproductive. Teenagers smoke weed to relive the immense amount of stress and pressure they are put through. M'am you might have caught your son dealing and as lazy and unsafe of an occupation "Drug Dealing" is, he does infact have his future as a priority. I went to an alternative highschool for kids with missing credits and when I tell you that every kid in that school did some type of drug or was a dealer, I mean EVERY kid. The dealers that I met were all actually future oriented people. They knew that what they had at home was not going well and this was the easy, quick money, guarantee for when they leave home. Never would I condone drug dealing, but I watched kids with nothing left for them deal for a period of time and then put the majority of the proceeds either into a home for themselves, college, or it was invested into a legal career. I always fought with my mother and father. Someone had rear ended me when I was 17 turning 18 and it was my truck that was given to me by my father. He took the truck to get it fixed and instead of giving it back to me he sold it and said I wasnt ready for a vehicle. Understand that every interaction I had with my parents was business related. The feelings we shared for each other were generally hatred, so instead of giving me the truck back he sold it for 15,000$. My mother had been telling me that she was going to kick me out when I turned 18. So there I was with job offers, but no transportation to get to work, and a future with no means to access it. I left the day before I turned 18 because I could bear celebrating my birthday with people that only wanted to see me leave. I left, lived with some friends for a while and started tattooing. It was easy money as I am aware of my talents. I made enough to pay my rent with a room mate who eventually had to move out. I spent two years of my life living one rent payment to the next and trying to save until a found a network of customers who appreciated my art in tattoo and pencil/painting form. I am now 26 living comfortably, which might seem as a surprise. My parents felt like there was nothing left for me when there was EVERYTHING left for me. The negativity between my parents and I clouded their vision of my future. I screamed and we fought but I was also a skinny, attractive, talented girl. I had job offers from MAC, Classic Collision, Modeling agencies, the network that people dream about and it was all happening in a short time frame inbetween 17 and 18. I couldnt accept any of the positions because my parents would not let me borrow their cars, would not drive me, and I had no money for any transportation service. All of these "Do the right thing by kicking your kid out, If you love them let them go, help them by making them help themselves" comments almost urk me. I AM a success, I have succeeded in the years that I have been alive and I have been able to help others succeed after me, however, I could have been GREAT. Teenagers are young and they have immature thoughts and standing points about life but if there is one redeeming quality it is that they have passion. They have interests now, that can be careers later. My parents "giving up" on me cut of opportunities that I could have flourished in. When I left my house my heart was broken and when I think of my parents now my emotions run dead, no happy or sad thoughts just the grave that I left the memories in. Raising a teenager is hell, but it has been so long we forget how hard it is to actually be the teenager. You have the weight of the rest of your entire future sitting on your shoulders in a short few years. Teenagers screw up every day, whether it be severe or mild. Those were our trial and error years where obstacles are thrown at you and you find your way around them. Adolescence is like your final test you have to pass to make it into adult hood and it makes it really hard to focus when your parents BECOME an obstacle. I hated my teen years and I hope this will give a tiny bit of insight on what your child might be going through. Your child is YOU. You created them, nurtured them, and now you just have to put up with them. Be bold and brash enough to make things right. Your children become your best friends, keep that in mind. I advise you to take a vacation and when you return come in headstrong with an "I can do it" mindset. Dont let your heart break and dont let yourself fall apart because you are a MOTHER and that is the biggest and hardest roll to play. I pray for one thing for you, and that is strength. You are going through a crisis and all you need is strength, the rest of the things you need to get you through your battle are characteristics that you already posses.

User - posted on 02/14/2014

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Hey anonymous, you Big F◆◆fing FREAK !!! You're either a trolling little piece of crap, or some new age psudo psycho bable childless hippie.
How dare you reply not only to the original poster but to all of the parents on this board w/ such disrespectful bullsh! t.
Go troll somewhere else like Tumblr or 4chan but they'd chase you off the boards for being so predictable.

Shawnn - posted on 02/14/2014

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Oh, "anonymous"...Don't come crying back when your methods fail you.

YOU disgust me. You apparently have no clue what it takes to BE a parent, so I'm betting you're some obnoxious teen...perhaps even the OP's kid who's hacked her computer!

Rhonda - posted on 02/13/2014

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I am disgusted by the I am disgusted post. Hopefully anonymous gets a walk in our shoes one day since it thinks it has it all figured out. Anonymous sounds like a pompous teen who has no clue about how parents aren't automotons. As a matter of fact, it's post treats parents expressing themselves here the way it accuses them of treating their kids. Are there more than 8 morons out there who think these mom's didn't try those ridiculous patty pat rainbow and unicorn "rules" and "celebrating the child"???? CHeeeZUS! Also we have other children to protect. And YES. At some point they have to get out and hopefully hit bottom and get better. Love and donuts doesn't fix everything! ! AM DISGUSTED :)

Crissy - posted on 02/08/2014

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Oh my! I just found this after doing a google search for my problem child! he will be 18 in two months. last night, at midnight, I locked up and went to bed. I find out this morning that my son had come in through a window (due to the broken curtain rod where he made his entrance). I, too, don't know what to do with him! he is verbally abusive to me and my other 4 kids, he has broke things in my home, ruined at least 3 vehicles, pulled a fast one on me to get signed out of school (permanently), and thinks he can come and go anytime he wants. my hubby and I are biding our time til he is 18 and we can get our name off his truck and then I want him OUT. it is not fair to me and the other kids to be put thru hell with his mouth and attitude. he does have a job but I'm sick of his favorite come-back, "I don't fucking care".....thanks for posting y'alls problems..I'm glad to see that so many others are struggling with loving their problem kids and wanting to wring their necks too! (Btw: my son is 6'2" and weighs in at 230...I am no match for him physically)

Paula - posted on 02/06/2014

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You write your advice, yet you obviously have nooo clue what it is like having an abusive child. I was in hospital 2 years ago four times during my nervous breakdowns from my uncontrolable daughter. I havent worked for 2 years and barely leave my home because I am afraid what she will do AGAIN while I am not home. Plus I have a son who she forced to try pot when I was in hospital with nervous breakdown. I thank God he is such a good kid. He loves his sister yet has told me for 3 years she should not be living here. He doesnt want to tell me everything. So anyway, what I am trying to say to you is dont make us parents look like we are giving up and throwing our child out is evil and bad decision. Do not give seriously abused parents advice until you really experienced the brutality from your child for 5 years !

Belinda - posted on 01/21/2014

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Ok, so what would you do to allow them to be individuals? Even if someone is to be treated as an individual, they still have to contribute to the family home by being cooperative. How do you get a person who is wanting to be treated like an individual to open up to you when they won't talk about it, or its not really important to them, but their behavior is throwing the family dynamic out of balance? How would you attempt to get things back into balance with a person who likes to have things out of balance because it gives them a sense of control and drama? What would you do then? Are you a parent or a teenager? I would love to hear your story. Maybe some of us can learn something from you we have not tried yet.

Gentle - posted on 12/26/2013

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Sounds like what they convince(d) parents to do before giving lobotomies & we know what a mistake that experiment turned out to be. Just look up JFK's sister Rose Mary (or Rosemarie) Kennedy...left her permanently incapacitated.

Peggy - posted on 12/13/2013

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Omg? Your story is mine. We are going through identical things. My son burnt down a high way. Half a million dollars in damages, pot smoking, failing highschool, sneaking out. We have done psychiatrists, therapist, mentors, an outward bou.nd program, scared straight program at the police department. We have always given him consequences, we typednoutna letter to him stating what he needs to do and rules to be followed if he wants to stay in this house. He ripped it up and threw it at us. He turns 18 this month. We have no choice but to,throw him out. We have two little ones who have seen nothing but ugliness because of him. We have to think about our little ones. We are left with no choice. :(

Anonymous - posted on 12/05/2013

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"Write down the rules and consequences."

Do you forget our children aren't cattle?
Or predictable computer programs that need to run in our expectation?

Each human being is different.
We will make different people in the future who think differently than us.

Why should you deter their progress?

Stop making your kids conform. Let them express their individuality.

That's why they are rebellious.

They have potential that you don't understand so you prohibit it.

I am disgusted.

Sheila - posted on 12/01/2013

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My 21 year old daughter is disrespectful, stays out all night and doesn't call. She's been doing this for 4 years. She's never been able to hold a job. Her big problem is alcohol. She binge drinks and then calls in hung over. All of her problems is always everyone else's fault. We stupidly cosigned for her car. She was working but called in hung over during probation period and got demoted from full time to part time. She then quit. She's had it 5 months and has made one payment. She always cries and makes excuses about not calling us (usually its the standard "my phone died"). All we ask is for one phone call letting us know she is ok. We told her today she can only take car back and forth to work. She just got a new job depending on if she passed drug test. Its hard. Its damaged our marriage and has hurt our other daughter (17). My husband has babied her and has given in to her so much. I'm not sure if I have any respect for him or not. If it wasnt for my 17 year old, I would gave been gone a long time ago. We've tried the counselor thing - doesn't work.

Sarah - posted on 11/25/2013

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Wow...who knew if and when kids become too difficult, troubled or have needs that exceed a parents capabilities or limits all you need to do is tell them they have no one to blame but themselves...any other parent would have given up a long time ago then boot them out the door with the reassurance they will thank you one day and a reminder that they had fair warning and have left you with no other choice and expected more from them after everything you have done, given up and sacrificed for them.

Kind of like the kitties you find on the side of a country road....now I get it.

Miss - posted on 11/25/2013

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I know where my son is. He is living with his girlfriend n her parents. You see, about 6 months ago he started dating her. She has a baby that is 15 months old and that child's father just recently busted my son over the head with brass knuckles causing him to have seven staples. I have met with her parents concerning the issues we have ran into since they have been dating like my son Not going to school n the drugs etc. I know he has a place to sleep n eat. The question is, will he be safe living there. He refuses to press charges because the girlfriend does not want her child to go without a father because this was not his first assault charge. I just could not keep worrying all the time when he wouldn't come home at night n when he put his girlfriend before his 7 yr old helpless sister n forgot to pick her up from the bus stop I lost it..

Miss - posted on 11/25/2013

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I also have a 18 yr old son I just kicked out our home. I cannot say he has been locked up thank goodness. But has he had a run I. The law? Yes! But some how it always ends up someone else's fault. Since he was five years old he has had problems when it come to self discipline, abiding by rules or authority. Most recently, since a turned 18 he refuses to finish his senior year and has turned to smoking marijuana daily to where it is his every thought! Well today when he forgot to pick his 7 year old sister from the bus stop n she walked to a friends house. I completely lost it. I kicked him out and told him since he is 18 now wants to claim grown man status and not have a education nor a job he needed to live somewhere else. It hurt so much to see him walk out the door but I can't go on trying to help my son if he don't want to help himself.

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2013

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After reading all these posts I can't help bit wonder if there is anyone who can share the success or progress that resulted from removing their so called adult from there home. I sympathize with all who are left with no other option-accommodating abuse in any form from anyone is not a parenting requirement or responsibility. Are there no other options? Did the mom who learned her son was smoking and dealing drugs report him to the police or attempt to resolve the deeper issues that led him to make the choice to break the law and harm himself...perhaps the question is how does she help not did she. There are limited means to support families who are not equipped (and who is?) to help them when they are impossible to reach. How do they survive when they are kicked out, how do they find shelter, food, necessities of basic life...seriously doubt they are sent off with a care package, clothes, first & last months rent for the apartment previously arranged. How do you know they are safe, healthy? Do they know what or how to do what they need to in order to have a good life? The positive affects of kicking even the most horrible child out of their home are unknown to me. If anything these kids will justify their behaviour and lack of respect because they get neither from their parents who had no problem (in their minds) kicking them out! Paul Bernardo comes to mind..he brutally murdered a young teen who was at the same mall as him because her parents locked her out of the house when she missed curfew. His 2nd victim was also in conflict with her parents and was out when she should have been at home.
Punching holes in walls, verbal, emotional and physical abuse, accidentally breaking or destroying personal property is not only unacceptable behaviour-its illegal. Perhaps holding them accountable for their actions should be dealt with through appropriate channels that enforce consequences applicable to everyone would serve these kids better than tossing them out the door for someone else to deal with. Being held accountable to the law and enforcement officers that don't have to endure pain, doubt, guilt and worry through the eyes of a parent to loves them and hates to even be in such a position may offer options for a mutually beneficial outcome. You have the right to be treated with respect and dignity....ironically so do our children - even when they make mistakes. Part of respecting them is holding then accountable-even if it means a criminal record. It might just be the moment that shocks them back to reality. My heart goes out to everyone who was pushed to the brink and had no other option..no doubt you're hurting more than they, or anyone, will ever know. The important thing isn't what went wrong-the important thing is to never give up on them or yourself. The world can be a nasty place...living on the street or with other community centres that try to accommodate the 1000's of teens who have nothing and are forced to alternate means of survival is not where any child should be.

Keisha - posted on 10/20/2013

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I'm going through the same thing. I try to give my 18- year- old son a chance but he remains disrespectful. We just had an argument because I would not let him stay at my house. Two weeks ago he tried to steal my car and when I caught him he denied it and started yelling in my face. Itold him he cannot stay with me. I'm trying to stick to it because I' ve let him come back home after putting holes in my walls, cursing me out, breaking my property (tv, laptop, home decor, etc) and when given another chance he doesn't change. Since kicking him out 2 weeks ago I've allowed him to sleep here once but I told him anytime he needs to sleep at my house he needs to come before 10:00 because I have to get up early for work. Last night he came here with his girlfriend, a 20-year-old high school dropout who was kicked out of her parents house, and they were arguing on my porch. She said something he didn't like so he refused to take her home. it was after midnights so I told her she could sleep at my house and told him to go sleep at my mom's house. Tonight I was woken up at 11:18 by him knocking on my door. I told him I'm not letting him in and rather than him humbling himself and being apologetic he told me it was an accident because his cellphone screen is cracked and I shouldn't be mad over an accident. I know he is upset but I'm trying to be firm. I told him he cannot stay and from now on if he does want to stay he needs to be here by 8:00. He left but I know he's angry and feels that I don't love him. I felt so guilty after he left and I immediately started to wonder if I was doing the right thing. Reading similar stories really helps me know that I am still a good mother, I just cannot keep allowing him to disrespect me and terrorize my household. I have two young daughters who need a stable household. I do pay his cell phone bill so I can know that he's safe and I think I'll try an ALANON meeting as some have suggested.

April - posted on 10/18/2013

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i cant agree with you more omg my son is 20 same issues and i dont know what to do 3 felonies no job no license or a want for one he states why pay all this amount in restitution which is thusands by the way and he made the decisions to break and enter and steal other peoples cars and yet i still pay his phone bill deal with his s*** everyday i worry that he will have nowhere to go and nobody and may do something terrible to end up in priison or worse i think daily if i do put him out will he just off himself cuz he feels empty and therefore im stuck with a CHILD THAT DONT WANT ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE AND IM THE MOTHER WHO FEARS EVERYDAY FOR WHAT MAY BE THE OUTCOME OF TOUGH LOVE SO I LET HIM STAY IM A SINGLE MOM OF 4 AND ONE IS WHEELCHAIRED DUE TO A CARDIAC ARREST HE CANT SEE I HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON DONT GET ME WRONG MY SON DONT EVEN AS MUCH AS CUSS IN MY HOUSE LET ALONE CUSS AT ME BUT IN THE SAME SENTENCE WHEN HE WAS LOCKED UP I FELT AT PEICE THAT HE WAS SAFE ANDHAD SOMEWHERE TO SLEEP WHAT IS IT THATS MAKES US PARENTS WANT TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THEM AND YET SUFFER OURSELVES BECAUSE WHATS RIGHT FEELS SO WRONG TO US AS PARENTS. EVERYONE ON THIS PAGE KNOWS WHAT THE RIGHT THING IS AND THAT IS PUT THEM OUT STOP BEING THERE DOORMAT LET THEM FIGURE OUT THAT LIFE IS NOT EASY BUT INSIDE WE ALL FEAR WHAT MAY HAPPEN HOURS EVEN AFTER TELLING THEM TO LEAVE AND NOT COME HOME MY SON WILL BE 21 IN JANUARY AND IM CRUSHED THAT HE STILL DONT GET IT HE STILL THINKS THE TANTRUMS AND BREAKING THINGS ARE OK EVEN THINGS HE HAS PAID FOR HES MY ONLY BOY AND I THINK I WAS STUPID IN RAISING A BOY BUT I DID MY BEST I HAVE 3 GIRLS ALL STRAIGHT A STUDENTS WHERE DID I GO WRONG I MEAN SOME OF U ON HERE HAVE 2 PARENTS LOOSING THIS SAME BATTLE AND THAT HELPS ME KNOW I DID THE RIGHT THINGS HE TOOK THE WRONG PATHS WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE WHEN U WORRY ABOUT THE PHONE CALL THAT MAY COME WHEN YOU KICK THEM OUT THAT YOUR CHILD IS DEAD!!! THATS THE ONLY REASON MY SON IS STILL THERE OTHERWISE I WANT HIM TO MOVE SEE ITS NOT EASY I WORK EVERYDAY FOR THEM TO JUST HAVE A ROOF, FOOD AND NICE THINGS MY CHECK IS GONE BEFORE IT EVER FOUND THE BANK BUT I DO IT FOR MY KIDS BECAUSE I LOVE THEM MORE THEN LIFE IITSELF. I CRY ALMOST EVERY NIGHT I JUST WANT GOD TO FIX HIM HELP HIM TO UNDERSTAND WHATS NEEDED TO LIVE I MEAN JUST LIVE THE BASICS FOOD CLOTHING AND SHELTER SO HE CAN SEE WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR HIM THE LAST 20 ALMOST 21 YRS AND MAYBE WILL STOP BREAKING THE THINGS THAT I WORK SO HARD FOR OR WHINING ABOUT 5 DOLLARS THAT I WONT GIVE HIM BECAUSE I SAY U NEED A J.O.B AND U WOULD HAVE 5 DOLLARS AND MORE I DONT EXPECT ALOT FROM MY SON THESE DAYS BUT TO WAKE UP AND SEE LIFE FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS NOT A FREE RIDE I WISH THERE WAS A BETTER ANSWER THEN THROW HIM OUT BUT I KNOW IN OUR DAYS IF WE HAD PULLED THIS EVEN ONCE THERE WOULD BE NO ARGUEING OR QUESTIONS IT WOULD BE SIMPLE "U DONT LIKE IT HERE ILL HELP YOU PACK " THERE WOULD BE NO COMING HOME I HAD MY FIRST JOB AT 15 MY KID AT 17 AND MY OWN PLACE AT 18 I NEVER WENT BACK WHY ARE WOMEN MORE DETERMINED TO FIND FREEDOM AND BOYS DO THIS AND PUT US IN HOSPITALS OR JUST MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE ARE SO WORTHLESS IN EVERY WAY I LOVE MY BIG BOY BUT IM AT THE POINT I DONT WANT HIM TO LIVE WITH ME ANYMORE I BEG HIM TO GET A JOB FIND A ROOMATE BE ON HIS OWN SINCE HE USES THE BULLS*** EXCUSE THAT WHEN HE IS HOME IS THE ONLY TIME HE IS ANGRY
HE HAS NEVER BEEN ABUSIVE VERBALLY OR PHYSICAL BUT MENTALY A NERVOUS WRECK TO EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE
A COMPLETLY TORN MOM

Marlene - posted on 10/13/2013

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To Jay,

That was cruel, sometimes tough love is all you can do. I know it must be devastating to put your child out but, at what extent should a parent have to put up with a unruly child whose legally an adult ? Don't be so hard on her or judgmental, sounds likes she's been through a lot.

Marlene - posted on 10/13/2013

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Thank you all for sharing your stories and now I don't feel like the only person in the world going through this. I won't go into my sons issues I think they have all been described in the other stories. I commend the parents here for having the bravery to put your kids out. I want to do the same, I feel like I just want him to go away! I have done everything for my son, I work hard and have set a good example of being a upright law abiding citizen. None of that seems to matter he is determined to be self destructive. I'm close to putting him out; I'm going to take some suggestions that I've read here and make a move. Thank you all again.

No Other - posted on 10/08/2013

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Just reading some of the posts on here and the similar situations others are having in comparison to mine. So let me brief you all on what I have been up against. My oldest son who is now 18 has always been challenging to say the least and I guess has been at risk since birth as he has never met his father. I had always been aware of the difficulties he might be up against and tried to deal with them the best I could. I began to notice a serious change in him when he turned 12, he began to have severe anger issues. Trying to be an understanding mother and not having experienced the same situation as him signed him up for a mentor, which literally lasted about 4 weeks before the mentor decided that this wasn't the kid he was hoping for (of course this crushed my son). So again trying to find something to help set him in the right direction got him in to sports with the stipulation that to continue playing he had to keep up his grades/chores & keep his temper in check. This worked for a short period until he came home with his report card and he was told he could no longer play due to his grades. His temper flared and before long he was throwing items across the room. His is 16 at this time and 6ft tall 220lbs; I am 5'3 and 130lbs. I was not going to let him think he was the boss so removed his gaming console/TV etc. I have to say that from 16-18 those tactics did not make a difference. He made the decision at 17 to drop out of high school, I responded with "If you are living with me; you will continue some kind of school". So he thought he would do online school, which he did for about 3 months before deciding he didn't want to do that anymore so I told him "you have until you are 18 to find a job as you are not staying here playing games in the basement, sleeping until 2 pm, eating food, "borrowing money", not doing chores, not going to school and not being respectful of my house". I do not believe that is an unreasonable response for his lack of motivation. Long story short, 18 rolls around and no job, no prospects for finding one, no plans at all for the future and still no respect. The last straw came when he asked for money to go out with his friends and I told him that he had no right to ask me for any money when he could not do even one of the things he needed to do. He responded with punching a hole in my wall and screaming in my face.......I called the Police.....they came and I told them that I wanted him out of my house. They told me I would have to evict him by means of court...... after they left I had made the hardest decision to send my son packing. He did not have the problems with drugs or things of that nature, but I do believe there comes a point when you have done all you can possibly do for someone. I have no wish to support my son financially for the remainder of my life or his......Time to Man up! I love my son (even if the thinks I don't), that was my reason for taking this course of action. I can say to those of you who think that this is "bad parenting" that until you are forced to make a decision like this; don't judge! No Parent wants to have to do it and it is not easy for the child or the parent. No one is a perfect parent and no one is a perfect child, we all learn as we go.

MARY ANN - posted on 10/07/2013

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Your heart is broken because of the expectations you have for your son. Plus its hard standing up for your self.
I only say this because I have 2 teens and 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren.
My best suggestion to you would be to do what your comfortable with,
meaning concider yourself and your mother comfort level when drawing the line.
For example when I asked my now 32 yr. old daughter to move out ( for the 5th time),
I paid her cell phone bill. Only because "I wanted to be able to call her to know she was still alive". not to cosign her behavior. I did things like that for my peice of mind so that I could sleep at night.
Another really great suggestion is "GO/RUN to an ALANON Meeting". www.alanon.org. Just set and listen to people and listen for simmular experiences. These people talk about all kinds of great stuff. You would be suprised at the peace and serinty you could own in the mids of complete chaos.
Try to remember to have fun! You are supposed to have a life too! They do growup and get different, this is just another stage of life....Try to enjoy the journey,
God Bless You.

Dee - posted on 10/05/2013

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I just kicked my 18 year old out today. This is not the first time and this time I feel bad but not distraught. He has to grow up that's the bottom line. Honestly what I do feel really bad about is he doesn't have anywhere to go but I can't go on this way. My friend said when they do straighten up they come back humble. I can't say I believe her but it's worth a try. If letting go May bring my son back then I want to try letting go. I want my baby back!!!! But as a man.

Ann - posted on 09/23/2013

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I can just imagine what agony you are in, but I think you are doing the right thing. My mother never kicked my brother out and he lived with her until she became unable to care for herself. He drank, stole her money, trashed her house. We still are not sure but think he physically abused her as well. She is now living with me, but the damage is done. Her house and her belongings and finances are all now int he possession of a conservator and we can only file petitions for anything she wants to do with her own things.

He only cares about himself. He was spoiled from birth. I was there and I saw it. He had a son who is a mess as well. If my parents had kicked him out and made him see the light when he still was young he might have had a chance, but now I think he is pretty much finished.

You have done what you could for 18 years. Now you are being a good parent by doing the only thing left to do. I feel for you. Be strong!

Hugs.

Kimberly - posted on 09/19/2013

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Being a single mom is tough!!! It is even tougher when you have a 14 year old son that is angry all the time and extremely disrespectful. My son hugged me yesterday and was angry so he pinched my arm really hard-it hurt and now I have a bruise. Tonite, he cussed me out. He is in denial, angry because he is on inhalants. I can not get him help unless her admits to it. I have taken him to a counselor for the counselor to tell me that he wants his phone back-well I already knew that-what I need to know is how can I help save my son before he ends up killing himself? My son is also spoiled and has a fit if he does not get his way. From now on out, it is tough love-to be so sad! This is a roller coaster ride that I hope will straighten out in the near future. I miss my baby and feel like Satan is staring at me in my son's body. Jesus, please save my baby!

GEMMA - posted on 09/16/2013

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i have touch my heart to read your story tonight, i just been though last 2 year for the hall with my son and after so badly again tonight.. i could not sleep and some how found your story.

the story of your son and the thing he have done just like my son did, not respect. many accident damage, nasty , verbally and physically abusive all the time and neven accept any thing was his wrong then abusive whilo family

I am so feel for you and your letter are making me so touch, my heart is so broken and thank you for share your pain that I notice I am not one of them having a such unrespectful son.

Gemma

Ted - posted on 09/16/2013

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I had the same problem. Be glad he's gone. Now you maybe able to find some peace and save yourself from a pre-mature Heart attack like I had. Stay strong if you allow him to come back it just starts again.

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