I kicked my 18 year old son out yesterday...

Terrie - posted on 12/30/2011 ( 355 moms have responded )

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My son has been a problem child since he was about 14 or so -- I can't remember the age for sure since it seems like forever. He's punched numerous holes in walls, broken a lot of things, been verbally and physically abusive. We've caught him smoking pot. He's been arrested 5 times for possession & paraphanalia. The courts kept sending him back home to us since he was a juvinile, telling me that if I don't come pick him up I'll be charged with child abandonment.
The last time was a couple of months before his 18th birthday so they charged him as an adult. They were going to send him to a diversion program after he paid a $250 fine and then it'd be dropped from his record. We told him that he'd better look for and try to find a job because we won't pay a penny of it. Of course he didn't, missed his next court date and then recieved a letter from the courts saying that he now has a $1500 fine and a warrant. We won't pay that either. Since he thinks that he's an adult because he's 18 now we've told him that he needs to man up & handle it himself.
Nope, we don't pay for a cell phone, give him a penny nor give him access to our cars. He thinks we're horrible, cheap & lousy parents and says that we don't love him since we've tried to keep him on a short leash. We've tried to for years, taken him to psychiatrists, psycologists, had family counseling, rehab -- You name it. We keep asking ourselves what we've done or are doing wrong. They all say that it's not us and that what we're doing is right -- even his probation officers. We still wonder. We've gone round and round with him. We've written out and given him our family and house rules, had discussions (and yelling matches) about them. He's still disrespectful, calls us horrible names, will do no chores and sneaks out -- sometimes not coming home at all for a day or two.
This last week has been horrible. He was gone for two days at Christmas and was sooo disrespectful and nasty. Unfortunately my mom was here from out of state and witnessed it... mortifiing to me but she really backed me up emotionally thank God.
Yesterday just out of the blue he went off on me, screaming & yelling for at least half an hour. I stayed calm as best as I could, talked to him, tried to calm him down & finally just walked away. A few minutes later as I was doing my hair & getting ready to take Mom to the airport I heard glass break. Our dining room table has - or now had - a glass top over the wood table. It was "an accident" of course. Funny how every time he destroys something it's an "accident"-- A hole in a door, a wall in the bathroom, a lamp, floor fans etc.
Yesterday was my breaking point. I told him to get out. He pleaded with me but I didn't back down. After he left I noticed that he'd been having quite a conversation on the computer.and in the midst of things left it up. He's dealing pot and someone owes him $500. I have no idea where he is and it scares me to death. I packed most of his clothes in trash bags & sat them out on our front porch along with a letter. In the note I told him how much we love him but he needs to straighten out his life. I told him that if he tries to get into the house we'll call the police & possibly file a restraining order. We changed the locks on the doors. That was the hardest letter that I've ever written.
I hope he realizes that we still love him. He's still my baby no matter what but I know that it had to be done. My heart is broken & I'm falling apart. I can't stop crying...

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Maria San - posted on 08/30/2013

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Hi again Misha. I have some input about not giving up hope. We can be hopeful for our children and still love them without enabling them to do the wrong things and without taking their abuse. People should not confuse love and hope with not taking the appropriate actions and steps to improve a situation. When we stop supporting our children, it does not mean that we have given up hope or that we do not love them. I love my son and will help him do anything good. I have a tremendous amount of hope for my son and I am not giving up that hope. I will be there for him when he decides that he wants to do good things. I will not help him or enable him to do bad things. He can choose. By continuing to provide for our unmotivated children, we enable them to not work or not get an education. We enable them to commit crimes like using drugs, selling drugs, and stealing. We allow them to remain unmotivated to change because there are no consequences. We protect them no matter what they do wrong. I love my son too much to help him do bad things. I have to say no, I will not help you use drugs. No, I will not help you sell drugs. No, I will not help you be uneducated and not get a job. That means I have to say, no, I will not support you as long as you are doing these things. If you want to do good, I will support you. I will help you go to college or trade school. I will help you find a job. I will help you by providing food and a home. By detaching from children that absolutely refuse to live under descent, law abiding, and reasonable rules, and by no longer enabling them, we are actually helping them. I am extremely hopeful that my son is going to mature and become a responsible adult. I am certain that living in our home is not the right place for him. We have seen that he does not thrive in our home so I am hopeful that he will find his place in life where he will thrive. When our kids don't turn out as we expect and don't behave as we expect, we feel guilty and responsible and we want to keep trying to make them right. At some point, we have to realize that our kids need to be responsible for their own actions and the only way they learn how is when we stop fixing the things they break and make them fix things themselves.

Maria San - posted on 05/28/2013

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Hi Tanya. Something that has helped our family is to write down the rules/expectations and the consequences if they are not followed. For instance, you could write down, "You are not permitted to let guests come into our house without our permission. You may not sneak anybody into our home. If you do this again, you will have to move out immediately." We wrote down all of the rules and consequences and reviewed them with our son. Now, when he chooses not to abide by our rules, he knows what to expect. It is not a surprise. He was told in advance what would happen and if he chooses to break the rule he is also choosing to accept the consequence. We did this with our son and for the last month he has been complying. When he breaks a rule, we stick to the consequence and there hasn't been any yelling or arguing, or ugliness because we all know what to expect. So far, he hasn't broken any rule that would require him to move out, but I fully expect him to do it. I fully expect that he is not going to come home some weekend, stay out all night partying, and use weed and get drunk. When that happens, he knows that he had better have some place to stay because his things will be in a box on the porch. We have told him multiple times and he believes it, so the choice is his. He knows the next time he decides to party all weekend and not come home, he won't be able to live here any more and that he is the one that gets to choose. There are some good articles online that you can read. One is called Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I by James Lehman. Here is the link, but you can also Google it. http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-B... There are some other links within the article that are very helpful. I have found my son's transition from child to young adult to be very stressful and have realized that we have given him so many good options and that our rules are reasonable and that he is the one that is choosing for things to be bad. It is okay for us to have rules and boundaries in our home and our son can choose to accept them or not. He is an adult and he can create his own home with his own rules someplace else. It is really hard as a parent to say this because I know how ill-prepared he is and that he doesn't have a plan. Unfortunately, my son has to experience things in order to really understand them. He will have to experience sleeping on somebody else's couch, and asking people if he can stay with them, and being told it's time for him to leave before he comes to the realization that it is better to comply with our reasonable house rules than to be at the mercy of his friends. We all hate to see our kids fall down, but when you have given a lot of good guidance, a lot of really good options and a lot of chances and they are disrespectful and ungrateful in return, then it is time to set them free and let them live on their own. I am struggling to do it because I believe it, but it isn't easy. We have given our son a really good foundation to live life, and I hope that one day he remembers his training. In the meantime, I am just doing a lot of praying and staying true to our family values.

Donna - posted on 06/19/2013

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OMG..I just stumbled across this website while at work, trying to search for some answers to my problem...I just had the police escort my 18 year old son out of my home last night. His dad and I are currently living in seperate households and he has already fought him and disrespected him to no end. I have been trying to protect him, and make excused for him for the longest and last night it came to an end. He has drove our cars recklessly, I have 2 cars down now because of him and I came home last night from work to find my bed broke (it has wooden slates to hold the matress and they were all busted. My son is 6'2"- 285lbs, so needless to say he has no reason to be jumping or whatever he was doing on my bed, but when i asked him about it of course he immediately starts in with a lie, so I started going off because that's what he always does, he never takes responsiblity for his actions. Well for the first time ever in his life, he jumps up and start cursing at me, saying he doesn't give a f*** anymore, I mean he was yelling at me like I was some B**** on the street. I have bent over backwards for this boy!!! He just graduated from highschool on June 1, so I'm glad we made it from there and I've been holding my tongue up until this point. So I am 5'1", no match for his size, and had no weapons in the house, so I called the cops because he was in my face like he was going to cock me one. I said to him calmly that he needs to get out of my house, he wasnt moving fast enough, so I called the police to help him. I am feeling both mad as hell and very very hurt. You never think that your child would act such a way, but I have seen signs over the past year or so and it just got worse one his dad and I split. Its just good to know that there are other mothers/parents going through the same thing and maybe we can all gain strength from reading other similar stories, reading today somehow lets me know that I made the right decision although its killing me...

Emerald - posted on 05/24/2013

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I'm only 22 years old so I still remember what it was like being 18 years old.. I honestly think you're spoiling him. At 18 years old I moved out on my own, it's when I got my first (yes first) cell phone and job and I had to buy my own car (all while still finishing highschool). It was tough in some situations, like the fact I fuond out what evictions can do to you for 10 years on your credit... But I grew up so fast from all that.. Now I know what I need to do to put my life on track especially now since I have two beautiful kids. My stepparents and I are estranged (they were abusive) I would kill to have someone to help me but I don't... These kids are so lucky they have a roof to live under and they know it but they feel you "owe" it to them. I think the only thing most parents do wrong is NOT kick out their teen at 18 at least after they graduate, but it's not right to shield them of the real world. You've done your job and you clothed, fed and kept a roof over their heads you did your part now it's his/ her part to learn of the real world. :)

Cory - posted on 05/29/2013

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I too can relate to your story, I have a 18 year old as well. He has given our family a ton of grief for the past 4 years. He smokes pot all day, every day, steals , destroyed thousand of dollars worth of stuff in our house. we've had him at at least 5 pych dr's , counsels,therapy -you name it!. my husband were hands on with his school( private) sports, field trips etc---. not sure why the train came of the tracks. i have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep for at least two years. didn't mention he's been arrested twice as well. I finally had enough and told him he has to live elsewhere. He claimed he had nowhere to go. I have to follow through and kick him out otherwise he just repeats the same mistakes again and again. I love him more then life but I can't and my other 3 kids can't live like this another day.I pray everyday he will finally "Want" to get the much needed help he so desperately needs.

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Brownbunny6613 - posted on 06/07/2016

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Exact same thing here. It hurts but I had to put my 18 year old out. He taking to smoking weed and not going to school and hanging with some very bad people. He is currently in the 11th grade and the coming year would have been his last year but he just told me he isn't feeling school. I packed his bags and put them in the backyard. I told him if he's not going to finish school, he can't remain in my house. I've had it with him. He's been a troubled kid for many years. I've tried therapist, medication, taking things from him and everything else I can think of. I've even called the police because I found a BB gun on his bed. I didn't want to touch it because it looked like a regular gun. That didn't even help. All I can do is pray one day he changes his life before its too late.

Brownbunny6613 - posted on 06/07/2016

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Hello
I know this is an old post but your situation sounds much like what I've been going through for the past 7 or 8 years. I've tried everything. Therapy, medication, taking things from him. Thus far, nothing has changed. He's now smoking pot. Coming home high, even though I've told him time and time again. Not only does he come home high, he brings his homeless friend who has been kicked out as well. He came home with the homeless kid on Sunday night and the kid spent the night. When I woke him up on Monday morning for school, I told the boy he needed to leave my house. I dropped my son off at school. I arrived back home probably around 7 minutes later. I just sat outside in my car using my cell phone. God must have touched my shoulder and said look in your rearview mirror. I look and there my son is coming across the walkway with the same kid I just told to leave my house. I think they were going to try to sneak back in the house to hide out until school was over. I got out of my car and called my son, they both proceeded to run the opposite way. I attempted to cut them off. Once they saw me they came back and ran the other way. That was it for me. I told him to get his clothes from outside. I immediately came in the house and packed him two trash bags full of clothes. He can't come back here. I will also give him 24 hours with the phone and it will be cut off too. He texted me and asked me to please leave the cell phone on. I told him 24 hours was the max. He texted me and said I never supported him. I was his only parent for more than 10 years. I worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to provide for my kids. He wants me to feel guilty for how he's living his life. He also said he just isn't feeling school. I told him it was find because at this point, I'm not feeling him either. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt because it does. I almost know he will end up dead or in jail. My hands are tied and I can't continue to have him in my home. I have a 2 year old and a 24 year old who's a college graduate and works for our county sheriff's department. I don't know where I went wrong with this kid but at the same time at 18 you should have had it together a long time ago. He failed 9th grade and therefore he's 18 and still in HS. Any comments???

Sylvia - posted on 05/11/2016

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You need to get him out as fast as you can. This is coming from an 18 year old kid who has had to deal with a brother who acts just like your son. Violent outrages, verbal abuse to me and my mom and it is not fair. It is clear this is an epidemic among boys and I believe my brother has Oppositional Defiancy disorder and probably something else but it's not something I can help him with. It might be difficult but do it for the sake of your family and your other kids it is not fair to them at all.
I have endured this abuse for far too long and if he cannot take responsibility and continually disrespects you there is no reason for you to enable him and let him stay in your home. There needs to be a study done on adult boys with this disorder because this is a problem I know other families deal with and it really just takes the life out of you.

Samantha - posted on 04/06/2016

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Wow, so.many parts I could identify with. I only pray my kid isn't selling. But all the rest, sounds like my house. I think you are doing the right thing, I know that doesn't help the pain in your heart. I keep reading to.love them, no not allow bad behavior to continue,but still love them, even when we hold our ground.

Linda - posted on 03/30/2016

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It was hard for me too. My son slept outside in the front yard for the first couple of weeks after I kicked him out. My husband left too. We were separated for 6 months. It was a very hard time for me. I had called the police on my son too because he was violating the restraining order and 2 female and 1 tall male cop came and they got him and the male cop pulled his gun out at my son. It was the scariest thing ever. I honestly feel if my son would have taken one more step forward the cop would have shot him. I have not told anyone about that as no one else saw it happen. Not even my husband. My brother gave my son another chance and so far as i know has been ok, but still not going to school or working. I pray for him daily and just try to speak to him kindly when i do speak to him or see him. I know someday hopefully he will see things differently and decide to change for the better.

Sharon - posted on 03/16/2016

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My grandson is 14 and his mother and I had to involve the police a week ago because he physically assaulted her and trashed every room in the house. He threatened to break my windshield because I wouldn't let him in my car. I was on the phone to 911 and he threatened to kill me if I didn't hang up. He then started to bang on my windshield with his fists. The deputies took him to the hospital for an evaluation and told him "if you were 16 I'd be required to arrest you but since you're not we're just forwarding the paperwork to the prosecutor". He was there for 2 hours and they said we HAD to take him home. He didn't "fit the criteria" for involuntary commitment to the county youth program. He lied and told them he won't go to his dad because he beats him almost to death. He thinks a spanking is a beating. He doesn't know what a beating is. I don't know what to do other than to pray the court date is soon and they put some severe requirements on him with harsh consequences. His 16year old brother is probably going to be leaving once he turns 18 in 2 weeks. I would like it if she were allowed to throw both of them out on their behinds. They are hateful (calling her a f***ing b***h and the same to me. They have no respect for anyone. The 14 year old says he is going to get himself suspended soon.

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My heart breaks for you. You have done the best you can. Cry it out, scream it out, pray it out, let it go and leave it to whom you pray too. You've done everything you could. They make their own path at some point and all you can do is counsel and guide. Well done Mom.

Herskindwife - posted on 03/03/2016

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I, too, am medicated for anxiety. I ask myself the same questions you ask yourself. How will he survive on his own? He always is needing money or else he'll be evicted, he says. I keep giving him money, and later I find out he used it for something else. I can hear his roommate telling him what to tell me. This guy takes advantage of my son, and this guy is at least 30 years old. We've been lied to, stolen from, yelled at, etc. But each morning I wake up hoping he's not going to be kicked out in the cold. I wonder what I could have done to prevent it. Was I too lenient? My husband and my son's siblings have no pity for him. I wish I could feel that way, too. I don't want to care, but maybe that's one of the perils of being a mother. I really don't know how long I can deal with the tug of war between the family members. This could go on for years, and I just don't know how I can survive that long :-(

Lydia - posted on 02/22/2016

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I relate completely ! I've had the same exact thing with my 45 year old son ! Don't know what to do anymore! I wish I could talk to his psychiatrist that he may be autistic not bi polar or anything else! We now have autistic children in the family! My son is verbal and has always looked normal in every way except for his behavior ! Maybe I should write a letter to his psychiatrist!

Ogiwara - posted on 02/20/2016

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O my God, it seams like my life with my 18 years old son. I don't know where is he now. I can't sleap, I'm crying, screaming. Why it happened? I blame my self. Maybe of we will not move to the USA my son will be our of these drugs, gangs. If I knew it, I probably will not move here. In my country, if someone will find with marijuana or other drugs that individual will go to the jail.

Anna - posted on 02/10/2016

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story sounds so much like what I'm going through,,,I have called the police on my son countless times..they tell me I have to file a eviction on him in order to make him leave..so I did that cost me 130.00 twice,,cuz first time he was in jail..second time I won judgment cuz he didn't show up.but now they say I have to take the next step and have a constabkle come out and verbal warn him to leave in 24hrs but that's gonna cost 160.00 to do that..he has no where to go..just to his gramas house that claims to love him soo much but when he goes to her she says he cant stay with her cuz of some bs idk what cuz I don't speak to her anymore cuz of him and I feel she is the main reason he is the way he is,,but if he stayed with her that may be a solution to my problem and she don't want that..she wants to continue to give him money cars clothes cell phones and expect me to put up with his verbal abuse smoking addiction to ciggaretes and weed oming in and out all night leaving doors unlocked..he does nothing but sleep all day and smoke..my husband is sooo fed up with this..and my 2 other boys are too...im depressed and good for nothing these days..i use to be a great mother and wife and now I just do what is mandatory then get back in bed.im trying to be string and keep the faith tand believe that jesus has a plan for him ,I know he does its just been too long to where my family is really suffering now..my other 2 children have nothing but bad memories cuz of their older brother..I love him and have done everything just like you have and I'm out of answers...I cant keep on like this tho ..I been saying that for over a year now...How do you get him to get out and grow up ???

Herskindwife - posted on 02/03/2016

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I want you to know how much reading your post has helped me emotionally. Our son turned 18 last spring. He has caused problems from the time he started school. Each year we told ourselves he would get better. We've gone through therapists, psychiatrists, behavioral facilities, etc. He's very polite in public, so we know he knows how to behave. We finally had enough of his lying, selling our property or letting his friends in the house to sell our property. He also totaled one of our cars. He uses drugs. We lined up an excellent job for him with good pay and benefits. All he had to do was pass a drug test. We warned him that, if he didn't pass, he was out. Since my husband got stuck with dealing with the tough love most of the time, it was my turn to play the bad guy. I told him he had to leave our home and that he could not return home to live. When I dropped him off at his friend's house, along with clothes, food, and cleaning supplies, I was sobbing. It still feels awful. He has since left his friend's house and now lives with the friend's uncle who takes terrible advantage of him. They both supposedly work but never have money. I've given him, and thereby his roommate, so much money that we're practically broke. That needs to stop. It's so hard when they tell you you're the reason they're still alive, etc. It is so hard to separate the lies from the truth, as he's gotten so good at lying. I play detective a lot of the time and challenge him on what he says, but he just gets more creative. I give up. Thank you for your post -- I feel a bit more empowered to stop supporting his lifestyle, whatever it is. I just worry, and will always worry I'm sure, what will happen when he can't pay his rent, etc. I've given him literally thousands of dollars that I really didn't have, and I just can't do it anymore. I know I should block his phone number, but the times I've tried he just uses someone else's phone. My heart is broken as well :-(

Sophia - posted on 01/30/2016

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I am dealing with the exact same thing and feel so many mixed emotions!! You throwing you son out is called "tough love" and I need to do the same! There are moments I want him to be in jail just to get a break! God help us with this generation of drug users and dealers! We didn't go wrong in raising them, society has lead this generation to believe doing drugs and dealing is a glamour life. We grew up on Little House on the Prairie and they grew up idolizing El Chapo! I give you props and u did the right thing! I am know encouraged to do the same! God help us get through this rough time.

Maria San - posted on 12/27/2015

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Hi Andrea and Linda. I am praying for you and your sons. It would be a good idea for you to find a Nar-Anon meeting so that you can get support from people who have been through the same things. It was very helpful for me to hear from others and get reassurance about the choices I had to make. At some point, you have to allow your sons to be responsible for their own choices and actions. We can help them do good things, but we cannot enable them to be self destructive and do bad things. It can be difficult to figure out when to help and when not to help. It is important for you to take care of your own mental and physical health. Addiction is often more powerful than anything you can do. Your sons are the only ones that can make the ultimate choice to get help for their problems. You cannot make the choice for them, because nothing you do will work unless they want to make a change. You can only control your own situation. You can decide what you are going to do and how you are going to live. You do not have to allow their addictions to control your lives too. Detaching from our kids is hugely difficult because we have spent our lives trying to protect them. Unfortunately, you cannot protect them from their addictions. Don't give up on them. There is always hope, but as many people will tell you, enabling them and trying to fix things for them does nothing but prolongs the problem. Change your focus to take care of yourselves. You will feel sad and hurt about their situations always, until they free themselves from addiction, but you should not continue to allow your own lives to spiral out of control because of them. Be strong. Best wishes for better times in 2016!

Ascs - posted on 12/27/2015

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I feel your pain. My child has been a problem since around 13. My husband committed suicide in 2009 and my son threatens to do the same. I commend your strength in throwing him out. I have spent my life savings on my son, who is now 18. 2 wilderness programs 2 therapeutic boarding schools. He smokes weed, sells weed the minute he gets out. He just sold his younger brother's laptop and cellphone. I threw him out, he lasted 8 hours and was crying at my doorstep. I ended up putting him in a cheap hotel. I hate myself cause I'm continuing to enable him, I even paid the hotel not to kick him out for smoking weed in the room. I admire all you parents who have stuck to your guns. Unless your in our situation it cannot be judged. I am going to stop paying for the room, I was told I'm killing him by doing so. I have no idea how to get through this. One Suicide in a family is too much. I don't know where or who to turn to anymore. Stay strong.

Linda - posted on 12/22/2015

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My life with my now 21 year old son has been exactly that of the Original Poster. Non stop stealing, violence,damage, destruction. he has been using since about 13 years old. been through therapists, rehabs, once for 6 months, nothing helps because he doesn't want help. I finally, after all the abuse from him kicked him out of the house and put a restraining order when he physically attacked my husband, his step dad, and broke his cheek bones which required surgery. He has been staying with my brother for the last year and just informed me yesterday that he was kicked out of my brothers house. My brother said my son verbally abused him and has not wanted to find a job or go to school at all. He is done trying to help.my son always threatens suicide. i know i should take it seriously but at this point i can't. he always plays the victim card and never takes responsibility for his actions. his biological father committed suicide so it is a reality for me. But i wont and can't be responsible if he were to take his life. he even says everyone expects him to do that because his bio father did. I pray and have faith that one day he will change for the better.

Lisa - posted on 12/05/2015

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Went through the same thing and same steps years ago with my step daughter. She is surviving in a nice home with a nice man and her daughter. It has been 10 plus years. She continues to vasilate between hatred and love and continues to be difficult for her partner and pre teen daughter. She is safe and I can have a relationship with her during the good and not the bad times... We make it work. Best of luck I truly believe that when the child moves out, even if the behavior does not change, you will be able to have a healthy relationship when things are good and not remain stuck in anger and disappointment because of the majority of horrible days as they are your child's to deal with or not

Alexis - posted on 11/27/2015

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Now my daughter isn't 18 yet (thank goodness) but she also isn't smoking or dealing drugs. You as a wonderdul mother have been trying and trying for years. You didn't give up, you told him to spread his wings. That's what we were supposed to do. No matter what, even though we may not like it, we have to do it. Thats how they grow up. You set them out on their own. Its a learning experience for the both of you. He needed it and so did you. You stood your ground even though it can be hard and he is learning that he can't live off of you forever. So don't feel bad. Of course you're going to miss him but, you had to do it. I fully support you.

Ascs - posted on 11/24/2015

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Today was my breaking point. I walked in with my 14 year old son to find my 18 year old with 3 very drugged out kids. Mine mostly smokes weed. The boy at my house told me my kid stole $450 from him on his birthday, the week after the kid lost his mother. I can no longer allow him to live at home. It is not safe for any of us.
what do I do? Do I put him on the streets? I am a single mom, lost my husband tragically. I fear loosing someone else.

Norma - posted on 11/09/2015

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With all respect that's not true I'm a good parent and I'm having problems with my 17 year old son he changed his group of fiends and now has made bad choices his grades has slipped due to the fact that he is smoking pot and likes to vape .there consequences for what he is doing and it's tough now these days because they think
Marijuana is good thing , but in my sons case he lost interest in sports and is failing some classes doesn't seem to care much about his future .

Christine - posted on 11/07/2015

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I am heartbroken and I feel such a failure as a mum. I've had to kick my 18 year old Asperger's, Adhd, ODD son out as we can no longer tolerate his behaviour. When he bothers to come home, he just shouts at us, damages things and steals from us. The only time I hear from him is when he needs money. we never see him and he hangs around with all the wrong people (travellers). I can't understand what he says anymore. He swears all the time and speaks inappropriately. I don't know who he is anymore. The boy living with us is a stranger, not my Connor. What if throwing him out doesn't make a man out of him? what if he ends up dead? I gave birth to him and as a Mum vowed that no matter what I'll be there forhim. By throwing him out I feel like I'm letting go and not fulfilling my end of the bargain. A mums role is to protect and love her children unconditionly. I just don't know what to do :( I'm broken Hearted that it has come to this after 18 hard years of trying so hard to steer him in the right direction. The years of abuse and struggle that I have had with him has taken its toll on my health. I'm fully medicated for anxiety and I feel that I'm actually losing my mind at the moment. When he shouts and abuses me continuously my head spins and my heart races. All I want to do is run away, or even worse, make it all go away. it got to the point that yesterday I went to go out and I couldn't even remember how to open my own front door. I think he doesn't believe that we have thrown him out. I think that he thinks he can go and party away for the weekend and then on Monday apologize and return to eat , sleep and get fresh clothes, and then disappear again for a few days. How do I deal with that? And how do I stop feeling so damn guilty,? I'm even questioning myself now. Maybe this is all my fault. maybe I raised him wrong. maybe I gave in to all of his shouting far too often maybe I tried to understand him rather than push him away all the time. whatever I did wrong I've created a monster. And ultimately I am responsible for this monster. How do I let go? How can I get up each morning and not worry about where he is and what he's doing? How can I stop worrying about the future and what will happen to him? And how do I stop beating myself up and wondering is there something else I should have done? is there something yet that I could do? X

Joan - posted on 10/02/2015

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Since I last posted, we ha ve had a pretty major discovery in our home. Although we cannot get an official diagnosis, we believe my son has Asperger's! Once someone told me they knew another family having similar challenges with their son (adult), and that young man was diagnosed with Asperger's, I started doing some research.

DANG! The description is spot on my son. So, I started doing some research about how to HELP someone with Asperger's, and how to deal with the meltdowns. There are a couple young men who have ASD themselves, and state they used to exhibit the same behavior my son was. This is not a sales pitch. I get nothing out of it. These two young men, the 'Asperger Experts,' gave insight and guidance on how to approach my son. First of all, acceptance for who and how he is. For a while, when he broke something, instead of yelling and accusing, we simply said "it can be replaced." (Yes, I KNOW some of the broken things were pricey, but continuing in the way we were was going to result in MORE broken things, so we figured it was worth an investment for a month or so.) We NEVER get mad at any of his behaviors because we are now understanding why they are there. Defense mode. Fight or flight when overwhelmed. If you have a moment, please check out Asperger;s and the traits that go with it. Maybe the approach of the Asperger Experts can help you all, too. If not, as someone told me, he is just an 'ah teen.' I have discovered my son is a wonderful person with love and a gentle spirit when not in fight or flight. It's a totally different mindset.
I do NOT want to make my son fit into our expectations, nor those of society. My goal is to get to know him the way he IS and see how to help him gain skills to survive and thrive as a square peg in a round world. It's doable. Lincoln, Bill Gates, and a host of other famous people were Aspies.

Joan - posted on 07/27/2015

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I support the moms who have had to make the decision their ADULT child had to go. It is crushing and heartbreaking. I know I may never see my son again. I hope he finds the happiness he could not find in our home. There are rules and he made the choice they are not for him to follow. There are those who will try to make you feel guilty or responsible. They have not been in your shoes, and what they think does not matter. We have value, and the human right to be respected, especially in our own homes for which we pay.

Whiterhino42 - posted on 06/05/2015

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I'm dealing with a similar situation. My son is 18 and finishing his junior year of high school. He has been lieing to us nonstop for a year. His grades have tanked from honors to near honors to almost failing everything. I adopted him at the age of 9 and I think he has some reactive attachment disorder. I don't think he loves or cares for anyone in his life except possibly his bio brother who we have contact with and even him I'm not sure. I wrote a big post about him living with my neighbors but no one has commented : ( He destroyed my dining room in a rage and ran out of the house, it was like the hulk had gutted it. When he left we found drug paraphanalia and tons of empty alcohol in his closet and the basement. I hope it was only pot stuff but I'm not sure and he may be selling as well. The neighbors let him stay there without even telling us they had him. They took him to the doctor because he broke his hand during his rage in the dining room. They never called me I only knew because the clinic called me to check up on him. I love my son and he has a lot of good qualities but he has a lot of problems. He is a compulsive liar and has no self control, he's become very disrespectful to me and i'm not ok with that, I don't deserve it. This kid has been given every opportunity since I adopted him. Tutoring, sports, scouts, counseling, classes, music, family vacations all over the place, plenty of clothes and toys and games and plenty of love. My family completely embraced him from the get go. I know he has trauma but I don't know what to do anymore. The neighbors have been there 2 years they are completely clueless to who my son is and the issues he has. He presents as a well adjusted polite young man, but he's eddie haskel to the highest degree. He's been gone 8 days now and I don't know what to do. I'm glad to read I'm not the only one, I beat myself up about what I could have done different. All I ever wanted was to be a Mom and someday a Grandmom....I love my son and I want him to get help and grow into a healthy, happy adult but I don't know if it's going to happen : (

Michellekmohler - posted on 06/04/2015

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I feel like i?just read my story. I cannot take it any more. He is 18 and is graduating next week. He tells. Me that normal parents support their kids and pay for their kids extra curricular activities. He sits on his bed watching tv and eating us out of house and home. He calls me bames that his father used to call me. He has had no father in hi life and i dont know if that has alot to do with it. I want him ou y of my house. I have given him 2wks to find a job and he can pay me $200 a mos plus his phone. He told me to go to hell. Hr is very out of control. He?escalates from 1to 100 in a matter of seconds. Help!!6

Sheila - posted on 03/21/2015

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-I am in the process of kicking my newly 18 year old out of the house. He lies, steals and is extremely disrespectful to everyone in the household. We've been going round and round with him for a few years now. 6 months ago his father kicked him out of his house because of the disrespect and because he was ditching school, and coming home drunk and high.
My son has been living with me since. He does not come home drunk or high but instead just doesn't come home. He will not work and becomes increasingly more and more explosive when we try to talk to him. He has kicked several holes in the wall in his bedroom and ruined a few items around the house. His school un-enrolled him because he stopped going and he has since had 3 run ins with the police. The first offense was drugs. He took a class and the city dismissed the charge. The second was a curfew violation. He had a fine and I let him work the fine off doing chores around the house. He had court for his latest charge (shoplifting) the day before his 18th birthday. He was ordered by the judge to return to the courthouse the next day (his birthday) to get set up in their work program to pay off his fees. I have refused to pay any of his fines. He took off that night and did not follow up with the courts. He is an adult now and I am just waiting for the letter announcing his bench warrant.
He sent me a message this morning on Facebook saying he was coming home. He does not have a phone of his own, his father took that away when he was kicked out of his house. I told him he does not live here anymore, but that he could stop by to gather his things. I've already packed up his room and packed him a bag to take with him.
I am really trying to be strong here. Logically, I can see where letting him stay here any longer will be enabling him to continue to be irresponsible and treat our family so poorly. I know that we have given this every ounce of energy we have had. We've seen many counselors, psychiatrists, social workers and even attended parenting classes. I do a lot of work with the homeless and I know that kicking him out will place him in that position. I know first hand just how awful that can be, but I feel like I have no other choice.
I am heartbroken and very scared for his future. However, I know this is his path to make and I have no control other than enforcing my own boundaries and protecting the rest of my household. I found this discussion board looking for ANYTHING that can comfort the anxiety I am feeling in my decision. I am relieved and saddened to see that I am not alone.

Karl Gerhardt - posted on 03/21/2015

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I am not a mum. I am a father and I totally understand why things reach a point of no return. When a teenager becomes an adult there are no more excuses to be made. The more excuses are made the worse things become. It is like postponing going to the dentist when you realize that you have a cavity. When health authorities and the Police get involved on a regular basis the problem does not merely affect the individual in question. The survival of the entire family is at stake because hardly a day goes by without a serious incident. I equate verbal abuse to physical aggression. An 18 year-old is an adult and you cannot afford to carry on as normal when in fact you live your lives as hostages. The destruction of material property is criminal damage and those who engage in criminal damage are to be treated as criminals and dealt accordingly.

Doris - posted on 03/18/2015

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I kicked my 18 year old out, he called his dad, instead of his father taking him in, he told him to call the cops. The cops said that as long as he is on the lease I have to let him back in. In NYC age 21 is the legal limit, so I am seeking a legal method to either evict him from my home or legally get the dad to take him in and I pay the child support to him. I have an 11 year old with autism, Im literally sick of the 18 year olds sense of entitlement, which he gets from NYC & his dad. Its not my teaching him, Im trying to raise a mature self sufficient independent contributor to society and he is constantly being told that he doesnt have to do any more than he chooses to or to work hard, fail, try again and keep trying until successful. Its as if those terms are only for me to do. I had 3 part time jobs and went to school at his age; of course I had to drop out of school because I couldnt do it all and one cant expect their parents to pay for all my needs, especially here in Brooklyn New York, things are expensive, so I had to choose working. Sincerely, feeling your pain

Doris - posted on 03/18/2015

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I kicked my 18 year old out, he called his dad, instead of his father taking him in, he told him to call the cops. The cops said that as long as he is on the lease I have to let him back in. In NYC age 21 is the legal limit, so I am seeking a legal method to either evict him from my home or legally get the dad to take him in and I pay the child support to him. I have an 11 year old with autism, Im literally sick of the 18 year olds sense of entitlement, which he gets from NYC & his dad. Its not my teaching him, Im trying to raise a mature self sufficient independent contributor to society and he is constantly being told that he doesnt have to do any more than he chooses to or to work hard, fail, try again and keep trying until successful. Its as if those terms are only for me to do. I had 3 part time jobs and went to school at his age; of course I had to drop out of school because I couldnt do it all and one cant expect their parents to pay for all my needs, especially here in Brooklyn New York, things are expensive, so I had to choose working. Sincerely, feeling your pain

Lynda - posted on 03/07/2015

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What you are doing is called tough love. Hang in there. We went thru similar problems with our daughter. She is now in her forties and says if we hadn't made her take responsibility for herself she wouldn't be here and have teenagers of her own.
Ps: we are great friends now.

Beverly - posted on 03/01/2015

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Sounds like she knows the son since she has so much to say. Thou doest protest too loudly. Cough cough!!!

Sarah - posted on 02/12/2015

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I have a brother that just turned thirty and his issues started at 14. He constantly had a safety net and was able to come home. At a certain point, providing them with a "soft place to land" is enabling. They are willing to deal with the lecture and fighting to get what they want and live without a plac. He now has a child and continues to get in trouble. I can't help but wonder what tough love might have done for him. My suggestions is to give him several objectives to accomplish if he would like to come back home.

I.e. get a real job, make a clear plan for his future and the steps he will take to get there, save $1000, write a letter to each person he has wronged taking responsibility for his actions, etc.

Fortunately for you, he is a an adult now will be responsible for his actions by society.

Martha - posted on 02/06/2015

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This story is familiar to me. The difference being my son had no problems until age 16 1/2. Until then he was a very hard working respectful straight A student. I believe my son was involved with a sociopath, his girlfriend. It was a toxic relationship from the start.

I am happy to report we all made it through. But that was two years of hell on earth. We were scared of our son and for him. Stick to your boundaries, don't give in, but never give up. Tell your son you love him.

April - posted on 02/06/2015

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your story sounds so familiar!!

Please Join, share, and tell your stories!! I am trying to raise awareness. So many other parents are going through the same thing! It can't be just a coincidence that so many children develop these behaviors once put on meds.


https://www.facebook.com/groups/651997401576101/

Anna - posted on 01/14/2015

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Spencer cool,

Again, Thank God for the self-rightous know it all's like you! We would all be in terrible trouble if it were not for people like you living in your delusions of granduer and attempting to enlighten the rest of us with your stupidity.

Anna - posted on 01/14/2015

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This is in reply to Peter Doiron.........I will let God know that is where he went wrong with Adam and Eve. I will let him know that he was a disfunctional toxic creator and that is where the problem lies with the bad apples of the earth. Thank God for self- rightous know it all's like you! None of the rest of us would know what went wrong.

Carmen - posted on 01/11/2015

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You know it all sucks when it comes to your own kids. What are you to do. You have to be strong and set boundaries . You can always say to yourself where did I go wrong. And that's not true or when someone states your a bad parent , you be strong & tell them to eat shit due to you can only do what you can do. But at times we all under estimate are selfs. Well don't in reality you cannot forget about you. Meaning when times get so hard you really need to have faith because that's all you got. You need to ask God to help you be strong when your feeling weak and alone. And I know it's really hard and sucks, it also makes you feel like shit. This is a new year, so new you. It's really is a pain in the big ass but have faith. SERIOUSLY!!!!! I know be strong and have faith things or may I say life will work its way out. Cry if you have to ,yell if you have to trust me at the end you feel so much better. You need to face it and be strong its all about BOUNDARIES MY FRIEND. I know I know just keeping it real. Take Care...

Kim - posted on 01/10/2015

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I agree. It's always about the kids. Well, after 20 + years, it's about me now! This generation of parents do everything in their power to provide everything their kids need before they need it. Poor things can't go without. Look how we are paying the price. Unfortunately, the mental illness concept is huge here, as it was with me. I struggled for years after I kicked out my 17 year old - too many details to discuss, but suffice it to say I cried and judged myself and asked what I could have done better, all while my, now 20+ year old continues to lie about his life and his family, while the world listens. There are many symptoms that a sociopath has that, upon review, and as most mothers in your shoes will see, that their child is not reachable because of it. Safety if very important for everyone involved with a sociopath. Your child is a human being that has no concept of you anymore, only themselves. It is therefore up to you to think of yourself first.

Kim - posted on 01/10/2015

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It is called sociopathy. Look it up, read every book you can find. You cannot fix anyone with this mental illness. As a parent, you will be alone once you figure out your child is one. Your friends, and family will not understand. Be strong, educate yourself and your immediate loved ones. The only resolution is no contact. It is hard, but it can be done. No one is safe from a sociopath. They will never be capable of feeling your pain or care, for that matter, what you suffer. They are, however, capable of knowing what the difference is between right and wrong. They simply don't care.

Peter - posted on 01/05/2015

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The people's comments are bad.....these troubled youth are products of dysfunctional toxic mothers and fathers

Karen - posted on 11/14/2014

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Dear Mom,
You can do all the right things but a son can still make bad choices. His poor decisions are his own. If you do not know what you did wrong then you probably did nothing wrong. Look at God, He did not do anything wrong but his creation (mankind) still makes awful choices sometimes. Man's poor choices are man's fault not God's.
HMMM….
Karen

Bill - posted on 11/08/2014

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You are the reason your kids are screwed up stop blaming the child ... u did it ... you are a lousy parent and do not know how to communicate correctly. Try showing some faith and positive construction instead of acting like you need to teach lessons if your lessons had previously worked the kid wouldn't be a bum

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