I kicked my 18 year old son out yesterday...

Terrie - posted on 12/30/2011 ( 317 moms have responded )

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My son has been a problem child since he was about 14 or so -- I can't remember the age for sure since it seems like forever. He's punched numerous holes in walls, broken a lot of things, been verbally and physically abusive. We've caught him smoking pot. He's been arrested 5 times for possession & paraphanalia. The courts kept sending him back home to us since he was a juvinile, telling me that if I don't come pick him up I'll be charged with child abandonment.
The last time was a couple of months before his 18th birthday so they charged him as an adult. They were going to send him to a diversion program after he paid a $250 fine and then it'd be dropped from his record. We told him that he'd better look for and try to find a job because we won't pay a penny of it. Of course he didn't, missed his next court date and then recieved a letter from the courts saying that he now has a $1500 fine and a warrant. We won't pay that either. Since he thinks that he's an adult because he's 18 now we've told him that he needs to man up & handle it himself.
Nope, we don't pay for a cell phone, give him a penny nor give him access to our cars. He thinks we're horrible, cheap & lousy parents and says that we don't love him since we've tried to keep him on a short leash. We've tried to for years, taken him to psychiatrists, psycologists, had family counseling, rehab -- You name it. We keep asking ourselves what we've done or are doing wrong. They all say that it's not us and that what we're doing is right -- even his probation officers. We still wonder. We've gone round and round with him. We've written out and given him our family and house rules, had discussions (and yelling matches) about them. He's still disrespectful, calls us horrible names, will do no chores and sneaks out -- sometimes not coming home at all for a day or two.
This last week has been horrible. He was gone for two days at Christmas and was sooo disrespectful and nasty. Unfortunately my mom was here from out of state and witnessed it... mortifiing to me but she really backed me up emotionally thank God.
Yesterday just out of the blue he went off on me, screaming & yelling for at least half an hour. I stayed calm as best as I could, talked to him, tried to calm him down & finally just walked away. A few minutes later as I was doing my hair & getting ready to take Mom to the airport I heard glass break. Our dining room table has - or now had - a glass top over the wood table. It was "an accident" of course. Funny how every time he destroys something it's an "accident"-- A hole in a door, a wall in the bathroom, a lamp, floor fans etc.
Yesterday was my breaking point. I told him to get out. He pleaded with me but I didn't back down. After he left I noticed that he'd been having quite a conversation on the computer.and in the midst of things left it up. He's dealing pot and someone owes him $500. I have no idea where he is and it scares me to death. I packed most of his clothes in trash bags & sat them out on our front porch along with a letter. In the note I told him how much we love him but he needs to straighten out his life. I told him that if he tries to get into the house we'll call the police & possibly file a restraining order. We changed the locks on the doors. That was the hardest letter that I've ever written.
I hope he realizes that we still love him. He's still my baby no matter what but I know that it had to be done. My heart is broken & I'm falling apart. I can't stop crying...

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Maria San - posted on 08/30/2013

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Hi again Misha. I have some input about not giving up hope. We can be hopeful for our children and still love them without enabling them to do the wrong things and without taking their abuse. People should not confuse love and hope with not taking the appropriate actions and steps to improve a situation. When we stop supporting our children, it does not mean that we have given up hope or that we do not love them. I love my son and will help him do anything good. I have a tremendous amount of hope for my son and I am not giving up that hope. I will be there for him when he decides that he wants to do good things. I will not help him or enable him to do bad things. He can choose. By continuing to provide for our unmotivated children, we enable them to not work or not get an education. We enable them to commit crimes like using drugs, selling drugs, and stealing. We allow them to remain unmotivated to change because there are no consequences. We protect them no matter what they do wrong. I love my son too much to help him do bad things. I have to say no, I will not help you use drugs. No, I will not help you sell drugs. No, I will not help you be uneducated and not get a job. That means I have to say, no, I will not support you as long as you are doing these things. If you want to do good, I will support you. I will help you go to college or trade school. I will help you find a job. I will help you by providing food and a home. By detaching from children that absolutely refuse to live under descent, law abiding, and reasonable rules, and by no longer enabling them, we are actually helping them. I am extremely hopeful that my son is going to mature and become a responsible adult. I am certain that living in our home is not the right place for him. We have seen that he does not thrive in our home so I am hopeful that he will find his place in life where he will thrive. When our kids don't turn out as we expect and don't behave as we expect, we feel guilty and responsible and we want to keep trying to make them right. At some point, we have to realize that our kids need to be responsible for their own actions and the only way they learn how is when we stop fixing the things they break and make them fix things themselves.

Maria San - posted on 05/28/2013

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Hi Tanya. Something that has helped our family is to write down the rules/expectations and the consequences if they are not followed. For instance, you could write down, "You are not permitted to let guests come into our house without our permission. You may not sneak anybody into our home. If you do this again, you will have to move out immediately." We wrote down all of the rules and consequences and reviewed them with our son. Now, when he chooses not to abide by our rules, he knows what to expect. It is not a surprise. He was told in advance what would happen and if he chooses to break the rule he is also choosing to accept the consequence. We did this with our son and for the last month he has been complying. When he breaks a rule, we stick to the consequence and there hasn't been any yelling or arguing, or ugliness because we all know what to expect. So far, he hasn't broken any rule that would require him to move out, but I fully expect him to do it. I fully expect that he is not going to come home some weekend, stay out all night partying, and use weed and get drunk. When that happens, he knows that he had better have some place to stay because his things will be in a box on the porch. We have told him multiple times and he believes it, so the choice is his. He knows the next time he decides to party all weekend and not come home, he won't be able to live here any more and that he is the one that gets to choose. There are some good articles online that you can read. One is called Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I by James Lehman. Here is the link, but you can also Google it. http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-B... There are some other links within the article that are very helpful. I have found my son's transition from child to young adult to be very stressful and have realized that we have given him so many good options and that our rules are reasonable and that he is the one that is choosing for things to be bad. It is okay for us to have rules and boundaries in our home and our son can choose to accept them or not. He is an adult and he can create his own home with his own rules someplace else. It is really hard as a parent to say this because I know how ill-prepared he is and that he doesn't have a plan. Unfortunately, my son has to experience things in order to really understand them. He will have to experience sleeping on somebody else's couch, and asking people if he can stay with them, and being told it's time for him to leave before he comes to the realization that it is better to comply with our reasonable house rules than to be at the mercy of his friends. We all hate to see our kids fall down, but when you have given a lot of good guidance, a lot of really good options and a lot of chances and they are disrespectful and ungrateful in return, then it is time to set them free and let them live on their own. I am struggling to do it because I believe it, but it isn't easy. We have given our son a really good foundation to live life, and I hope that one day he remembers his training. In the meantime, I am just doing a lot of praying and staying true to our family values.

Donna - posted on 06/19/2013

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OMG..I just stumbled across this website while at work, trying to search for some answers to my problem...I just had the police escort my 18 year old son out of my home last night. His dad and I are currently living in seperate households and he has already fought him and disrespected him to no end. I have been trying to protect him, and make excused for him for the longest and last night it came to an end. He has drove our cars recklessly, I have 2 cars down now because of him and I came home last night from work to find my bed broke (it has wooden slates to hold the matress and they were all busted. My son is 6'2"- 285lbs, so needless to say he has no reason to be jumping or whatever he was doing on my bed, but when i asked him about it of course he immediately starts in with a lie, so I started going off because that's what he always does, he never takes responsiblity for his actions. Well for the first time ever in his life, he jumps up and start cursing at me, saying he doesn't give a f*** anymore, I mean he was yelling at me like I was some B**** on the street. I have bent over backwards for this boy!!! He just graduated from highschool on June 1, so I'm glad we made it from there and I've been holding my tongue up until this point. So I am 5'1", no match for his size, and had no weapons in the house, so I called the cops because he was in my face like he was going to cock me one. I said to him calmly that he needs to get out of my house, he wasnt moving fast enough, so I called the police to help him. I am feeling both mad as hell and very very hurt. You never think that your child would act such a way, but I have seen signs over the past year or so and it just got worse one his dad and I split. Its just good to know that there are other mothers/parents going through the same thing and maybe we can all gain strength from reading other similar stories, reading today somehow lets me know that I made the right decision although its killing me...

Emerald - posted on 05/24/2013

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I'm only 22 years old so I still remember what it was like being 18 years old.. I honestly think you're spoiling him. At 18 years old I moved out on my own, it's when I got my first (yes first) cell phone and job and I had to buy my own car (all while still finishing highschool). It was tough in some situations, like the fact I fuond out what evictions can do to you for 10 years on your credit... But I grew up so fast from all that.. Now I know what I need to do to put my life on track especially now since I have two beautiful kids. My stepparents and I are estranged (they were abusive) I would kill to have someone to help me but I don't... These kids are so lucky they have a roof to live under and they know it but they feel you "owe" it to them. I think the only thing most parents do wrong is NOT kick out their teen at 18 at least after they graduate, but it's not right to shield them of the real world. You've done your job and you clothed, fed and kept a roof over their heads you did your part now it's his/ her part to learn of the real world. :)

Cory - posted on 05/29/2013

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I too can relate to your story, I have a 18 year old as well. He has given our family a ton of grief for the past 4 years. He smokes pot all day, every day, steals , destroyed thousand of dollars worth of stuff in our house. we've had him at at least 5 pych dr's , counsels,therapy -you name it!. my husband were hands on with his school( private) sports, field trips etc---. not sure why the train came of the tracks. i have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep for at least two years. didn't mention he's been arrested twice as well. I finally had enough and told him he has to live elsewhere. He claimed he had nowhere to go. I have to follow through and kick him out otherwise he just repeats the same mistakes again and again. I love him more then life but I can't and my other 3 kids can't live like this another day.I pray everyday he will finally "Want" to get the much needed help he so desperately needs.

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Anna - posted on 01/14/2015

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Spencer cool,

Again, Thank God for the self-rightous know it all's like you! We would all be in terrible trouble if it were not for people like you living in your delusions of granduer and attempting to enlighten the rest of us with your stupidity.

Anna - posted on 01/14/2015

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This is in reply to Peter Doiron.........I will let God know that is where he went wrong with Adam and Eve. I will let him know that he was a disfunctional toxic creator and that is where the problem lies with the bad apples of the earth. Thank God for self- rightous know it all's like you! None of the rest of us would know what went wrong.

Carmen - posted on 01/11/2015

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You know it all sucks when it comes to your own kids. What are you to do. You have to be strong and set boundaries . You can always say to yourself where did I go wrong. And that's not true or when someone states your a bad parent , you be strong & tell them to eat shit due to you can only do what you can do. But at times we all under estimate are selfs. Well don't in reality you cannot forget about you. Meaning when times get so hard you really need to have faith because that's all you got. You need to ask God to help you be strong when your feeling weak and alone. And I know it's really hard and sucks, it also makes you feel like shit. This is a new year, so new you. It's really is a pain in the big ass but have faith. SERIOUSLY!!!!! I know be strong and have faith things or may I say life will work its way out. Cry if you have to ,yell if you have to trust me at the end you feel so much better. You need to face it and be strong its all about BOUNDARIES MY FRIEND. I know I know just keeping it real. Take Care...

Kim - posted on 01/10/2015

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I agree. It's always about the kids. Well, after 20 + years, it's about me now! This generation of parents do everything in their power to provide everything their kids need before they need it. Poor things can't go without. Look how we are paying the price. Unfortunately, the mental illness concept is huge here, as it was with me. I struggled for years after I kicked out my 17 year old - too many details to discuss, but suffice it to say I cried and judged myself and asked what I could have done better, all while my, now 20+ year old continues to lie about his life and his family, while the world listens. There are many symptoms that a sociopath has that, upon review, and as most mothers in your shoes will see, that their child is not reachable because of it. Safety if very important for everyone involved with a sociopath. Your child is a human being that has no concept of you anymore, only themselves. It is therefore up to you to think of yourself first.

Kim - posted on 01/10/2015

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It is called sociopathy. Look it up, read every book you can find. You cannot fix anyone with this mental illness. As a parent, you will be alone once you figure out your child is one. Your friends, and family will not understand. Be strong, educate yourself and your immediate loved ones. The only resolution is no contact. It is hard, but it can be done. No one is safe from a sociopath. They will never be capable of feeling your pain or care, for that matter, what you suffer. They are, however, capable of knowing what the difference is between right and wrong. They simply don't care.

Peter - posted on 01/05/2015

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The people's comments are bad.....these troubled youth are products of dysfunctional toxic mothers and fathers

Karen - posted on 11/14/2014

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Dear Mom,
You can do all the right things but a son can still make bad choices. His poor decisions are his own. If you do not know what you did wrong then you probably did nothing wrong. Look at God, He did not do anything wrong but his creation (mankind) still makes awful choices sometimes. Man's poor choices are man's fault not God's.
HMMM….
Karen

Bill - posted on 11/08/2014

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You are the reason your kids are screwed up stop blaming the child ... u did it ... you are a lousy parent and do not know how to communicate correctly. Try showing some faith and positive construction instead of acting like you need to teach lessons if your lessons had previously worked the kid wouldn't be a bum

Patricia - posted on 11/04/2014

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Go to church and turn to god for suport. You have done the right thing something that i can't bring myself to do. I'm a widow and with 4 teenage boys and 1 girl who thinks she should of been born a boy. My 19 yr old ? Just like in everyway your son. Be thankful you have your husband but now you also need help from your church. You will stop crying when you beleive in yourself. If you did this act out of love that you do have for your son, you will stop crying.

all alone with 5 in colorado springs

Suzy Da - posted on 10/15/2014

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My 19 year old is also living in his car.I'm suffering so much I feel for you

ICP - posted on 10/12/2014

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Spencer - posted on 10/07/2014

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Honestly this sounds like a completely misconstrued dramatization of the reality of your child's life. Your child probably hates living with you (Terrie) so much that he (in order to avoid complete depression, and ultimately suicide) spends time with people who actually treat him like a human being, aka his friends (and probably everyone else in the world).
You are acting like a teenager smoking pot is not normal, and that alone probably makes the kid feel insane every time he tries to talk to you about it. Go do some research Terrie! There is plenty of evidence that proves that consumption of marijuana, and yes even smoking marijuana (the harshest form of consumption) has little negative effect on the body whatsoever, and will never threaten your sons life. Period. The only thing that will threaten your sons life is a state that has decided that your son is sub-human (and should be removed) because he wants to smoke pot. And you know why they keep getting him Terrie? Because he has nowhere to live, and be happy. He is away from home all the time because you guys put him down in the exact same way a bully does, and then you often try to scare, and intimidate him intro submission, and make him feel miserable. When was the last time you took sometime to understand your sons point of view on anything he cares about? Since when has feeling guilty ever made you do anything besides feel bad Terrie? I'm sure you will no doubt respond that you were respectful, and sensitive in the beginning, but *now* you have been put through soooooo much, that talking down to your son is justified, and your only option. Your son dosen't need that kind of love Terrie. No one does. He needs sympathy, tolerance, equality, and respect. How do you expect him to achieve these things without you ever talking to him like he is able? The sad reality is, if HE wasn't YOUR SON, you would never resort to belittling him. Ever. Could you imagine if you caught a teacher belittling your son for making a mistake on his homework at school? And you wonder why he has no respect for you as parent? C'mon Terrie! Do you not have your own vices? I guarantee you either drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, are completely over-weight, or so old that you finally have achieved some sort of balance in your life. And you are looking down on your son for not having mastered self-discipline? When did you ever teach self-disciple by example? Your vices happen to not be hunted by the state so it's ok if you are diabetic, right Terrie? Do you realize that if anyone ever talks to him the way you do (in the real world) he has an easy choice to remove those bully's from his life? No adults can treat other adults the way you have treated your son in the professional world, and even in public. Take a long hard look in the mirror, and wonder why your son isn't perfect Terrie. What's ironic is I almost guarantee you are some sort of christian, and the way you have been treating your son is absolutely not the way Jesus wants you to, and you know it Terrie.

This is obviously a huge forum for Moms to get together, and support each others decisions, while all being completely ignorant of the reality of their children. Even now. Where is your kid? What are they doing? What are their interests? How good are they? Do you know anything about the things they love? Grow up. You pretend to be moms, but really you are all pissed off, spoiled, selfish, teenagers, just as stupid as these kids you look down on. If fact, the irony is, your child is way smarter than you Terrie. Eat your heart out!

Kat - posted on 10/05/2014

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I'm so sorry you had to do what you did. you are stronger then I am. I be wanting to kick two of my sons out of my house often because I am also dealing with some of the things you did . But because I have not been in their lives I feel responsible for them now. I don't know.

Mariaigle78 - posted on 09/28/2014

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Same situation here. Im hurting soo much right now. My 19 yr ol d is living g in his car. I have been struggling with him since he was 14. He went through 4 high schools. He did get his diploma but it was a struggle. He got involved with marijuana and alcohol. I had it last and kicked him out of my house. He was just out of control. My husband and my other 2 kids felt we were walking on egg shells when he was around. I had him with his own private room , no rent or bills. All we asked from was school , work and good behavior. He is verbally abusive and destroys things we he gets upsetl The ultimatum for hi. Was last year he came home drunk and maybe drunk. He started yelling at my husband at me. Destroyed his who, e room, cut himself and smeared tbe wall. I called tbe cops and was escortec kut. Just recently he did same thing at his grandmother s house and was kicked out. I want him back in my house but my husband said No. My husband and I have a stable 10 yr marriage but my son's behavior just seems to be breaking us apart. My husband already warned me if I bring him back we can say bye to our marriage. He said he is to going to put our two other kids through this again. At our pkace he was upset and broke our windows , kicked the front door down, stole the liquor bottles, room smelled like pot. He graffiti the futon bed we bought him. And tried to sneak girls in tbe house. Im hurting soo much because I knkw su he's sleeping in his car and I want to bring him in the house but at tbe same I dont want to put my other 2 younger kids through this stress again. What should I do?

Barbara - posted on 07/06/2014

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Reading these posts has given me strength to follow through with making my son move out. He's 21!!! He was out for college and dropped out, then lived near his dad and things went really bad - drugs, etc. so was sent back to live with me (mom). The family is mostly concerned that he has a psychological condition - depression, anger issues, etc, He has not been able to keep a job for more than 3 months. To the outside world he's very respectful, charming, etc. but the cycles of his anger has holes in my walls too, and not following my rules. He has paid rent but that's hard when he can't/wont keep a job or go back to trade school! He gravitates toward severe alcoholics and people with bad drug problems - yes.... you are what you surround yourself with. But the fear of it all getting worse if he if forced to move out is horrible..but that is the advice from everyone!! even men who were like that - tough love was the best choice.
Wish me luck - and sleep.

Nancy - posted on 06/25/2014

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Its so very hard to see them leave but God pray for him and let what God plans for him be created. I know its terrible I live it everyday I hope he is ok.

Nancy - posted on 06/25/2014

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No offense if your allowing your children to run on you while you pay their way your enabling them they need to care for themselves. That is what being an adult is.

Nancy - posted on 06/25/2014

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Thats right let him feel the fact he has to be accountable for his behavior. Not one of us will stand before God and expect him to tolerate the disgusting verbal abuse we have had to endure for no reason. Lies and acts of terror towards us. NO way should you feel bad. I feel bad for him yes. Do I want my son back yes but only if he is a better person. If not I do not ever want him around. I will pray about it as you should.

Nancy - posted on 06/25/2014

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You cannot fix other people they can be helped if they want help thats it. you can lead someone to find help its just that simple. I refuse to take the blame for something I have no control over. I hurt yes. Mainly because I am not needed or wanted unless its about money if I do not give him help he wants me dead. You can chase them down tell them you want to help them and they will take your every penny. Will they ever become great people maybe. Are you there savior because you are a parent NO! They have to honor your position to. If they want help for addiction help but contribute to it NO! accepting bad behavior as far as allowing someone to bully hurt and destroy your life because you love them. NO. Pray for them go to counseling yes. You can only do so much and they have to figure life out. Its sad they are so clueless and young. Do some of our children never get on the right path yes do most make it yes. Its very heartwrenching to worry leave it to GOD. The pain does not go away or days do not get easier. Your childs lessons may be hard but everyone has them. My parents died and were not around for me and I learned to be self sufficient. Most of kids now adays want everything handed to them or they feel abandoned so they make us miserable. Get back is a bixxx they say for not paying for a living for them! PRAYER is all there truly is that will help your soul.

Nancy - posted on 06/25/2014

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yah so what? why should I care about that? I care about my sanity my freedom and my happiness. I am sick and tired of hearing you owe me! owe you what? an education ok and place to live and grow and be loved( check) until your 18 and forever you ill have that if your respectful, loving,and if not hit the frigging door!! Follow my rules which were simple. No drugs, no lies, work, help out if you can, clean up after yourself, be kind. If you can do that you can stay here until you are old and gray with no rent!

Nancy - posted on 06/25/2014

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you cannot help him if he will not hear anything you say. I love you doesn't work, get help doesnt work. Can I take you to the hospital. I have tried it all and all I get is its your fault! I know the reason they do this. They are who they are and its best to dodge the bullet because they want to make everyone feel there pain. Mostly the parents. They hurt you because they can because they are hurting. There is no way of fixing that! God makes miracles happen humans do not. Prayer is all you can do and forgive him for he does not know. You cannot make them feel anyway.. I tell my son I love him and that I want his happiness he tells me unless you cosign for a car I hope you die. This is the 3 car he wants from me. He screams and lies. Blames makes my life miserable with his constant unhappiness. Unwilling to even talk about plans to do better. Will not go to the doctor for medication and will not try to live normally and I can tell you I will not deal with it because its killing me. I never said I would be tortured for him by him and let him destroy me for no reason!!!!!

Nancy - posted on 06/25/2014

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wow that is the most unrealistic answer I ever heard! Innocent of nothing but trying to have a home that is a place of peace not torture. You know after getting him two cars and him putting me in financial ruin and almost being put away for 20 years for doing nothing but trying to help him. Now he tells me he hates me for not cosigning for a car when he has a job? really save up. I have to save up to pay my bills! what the hell is this give your kids everything and never care about yourself? really after 18 years of doin everything possible he now wants me to work my ass off to pay his bills! NO way! then if I do not do it he says he hates me. Wishes I was dead? really? forget that!

Sophia - posted on 06/24/2014

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Tina, you are not alone in the problems you are facing with your sons. They are addicts, and there behaviors are that of addicts. I would recommend you get the book Tough Love. Your "boys" are adults now. They have made choices and have to live with the consequences - right now you and your husband are "absorbing" the consequences for your sons, and that's why things aren't changing for the better. You and your husband are "enabling" your sons to continue to remain in their state of "limbo" ...you need to let go. Tough Love will help give you concrete steps and explanations that can help you. By following the Tough Love philosophy you can help yourselves and eventually help your sons to move forward and to grow up and face responsibility. Sending you a BIG hug. I know it's hard to let go and have faith that what you're doing will work, but "doing nothing" and allowing this behavior to continue will result in a far worse outcome. I hope things improve. - Sophia

Sophia - posted on 06/24/2014

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To every parent who is struggling with an out-of-control teenager or "young adult"....you are not alone. You are not a bad parent. There are thousands of parents dealing with the exact same behavior issues that you are facing. I raised a difficult child - my daughter. The behavior, drug, alcohol, disrespectful behavior began around age 13. She became pregnant at 16, having a son at age 17. The drug and alcohol and out of control behavior did not change much after having had a child. We tried "Cooperation Contracts," punishments in attempts to show consequences for inappropriate behavior, etc..we, unfortunately, were "held hostage" a bit by the fact that there was a child involved; to "kick her out" would mean kicking out our grandson, too. My daughter continued to struggle...even through her independence of getting a job, an apartment, etc..she eventually had a second child, married her husband, himself an addict (addicts find addicts, that's a common thread). Her struggles with addiction finally got to the point where Child Services FINALLY got involved (it took a lot of effort to get them to intercede). My current husband and I became Foster Parents to my two grandchildren, my son-in-law went to jail and my daughter was briefly homeless. My daughter and her husband finally got clean, worked their program and have their children back. She is now 25 and has finally grown up. It's been a very rough ride for over 10 years, but we're finally on good terms. Remember: Just because you are protecting your sanctuary from being hijacked by the behavior of your teenager/adult child by not allowing them back in until they abide by your terms, does NOT mean that you have "given up" on your child. Your child will do and say anything to regain control of the situation - terrible hurtful things that you never thought you'd hear your child say to you. I would highly recommend that any parent faced with the difficulties that are posted in this thread get involved in Tough Love. Buy the book...READ the book...find a local chapter for support. YOU, as a parent, have the right to have your home remain a sanctuary from the outside world. If your "child" is not respecting the rules of your sanctuary - do whatever you have to do to regain control of your home and the peace that should be within it. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, Your child's behavior is the problems. Look in to Tough Love - It helped our family ...we are living proof.

Lisa - posted on 06/14/2014

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This is my story with my son. He was diagnosed with ADHD at four and a year later I stopped giving him the medicine because it's a narcotic. He started using weed in 8th grade and dropped out of school in 9th grade. He began stilling things from our home to give to drug dealers for weed I confronted the people that would give it to him to a point that it was dangerous for him and me. So I decided to grow it myself and got a certificate.
He smoked a whole plant by himself and I don't lie to you that's what made him stop and also because of what he put me through and all the problems it caused. When he first told me that he started using weed. I told him he was going to get addicted and he said that he's friends told him that it was natural and non addictive. He learned the hard way and says he will never try any type of drug again. I believe that no matter what, you don't leave your son on his own and you should never stop talking to them because they listen even if it takes them a while to understand. Specially when they are getting deeper into a problem we should be there for them or their life will get more out of control by themselves and who knows where they will end up.

Jenna - posted on 06/13/2014

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Just don't say or do anything, let them feel "free" for a little while. Ignore the house rules, ignore the 'adult' child. See how far you doing what they want gets them. They will realize that it isn't what they want and that they want things how they were, give NO rules, they will figure out themselves. Don't kick them out, because that will just make them more desperate for $ and create a need to do wrong things. Be sure to always stick behind them no matter what they do because once you stop showing that you care, they will want you to care, and they will care, and then they will do what you have taught them that you want them to do or behave. If they aren't safe in their home, or have their home to call home what do you expect them to do? (More than likely they will turn to dealing drugs, more, get in worse trouble, not even legal trouble, but what happens if they feel so desperate that they rob the 'wrong' person and get shot or wanted dead?) Don't kick your kids out, they need somewhere stable that they know they can come back to.

Nancy - posted on 06/04/2014

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My son called CPS on us because we yelled at him because of his behavior he made up false accusations that put us in big trouble until we could prove he lied! cost me 100000 dollars! but when he got out of control on them they gave him back when I also threatened to sue federally in court for the misconduct and accusations unfounded! TEENAGERS LIE!!!! no evidence and they still took him away! please what ever you do do not allow kids who have bad behavior to have the ability to destroy you and your life! it almost happened to me call get counseling. PROTECT YOURSELVES KIDS ARE NOT ANGELS!

Tina A - posted on 06/04/2014

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Ok, So I totally just found this thread by googling "when to kick out my teenager"! :) No offense, but some of you seem to have VERY similar stories to mine. So, in as few words as possible, here is my story. any advise is much appreciated.
I have 1 18 yr old(19 in OCT) and 1 20 yr old(21 in Sept). Both have been nothing but problems for the last 3-4 years. It started when my husband was deployed to Iraq in 2009-2010. Both have been in trouble with pot and have gone through diversion programs in our city. to no avail. We did kick out my oldest son when he was 18 and he lived with my inlaws until they were done....he finally seemed to be coming around and asked to come back home. My husband gave him 18 months of college money from his GI Bill. My son did go to a community college 4 hours away. He failed his first semester. I ended up paying his rent for 6 month. He couldnt get a job because of his last pot charge, because he was charged as an adult at 18 with possession. So....he just came home from school for the summer.
2nd son: this one gets even better. He too, smoked pot, he too, was trouble. running away for days, stealing but yet the cops kept bringing him home. We had given him an ultimatum to go into the challenge program here to get his GED or we would press charges for the money and jewelry he stole. Of course, he refused. We followed through and pressed charges. 3 days later, CPS shows up with allegations that I pushed my son down the stairs. Funny, we DO NOT have stairs. 2 days after that, cops show up to my home to arrest me for assault. that was my lowest of lows.....several thousand dollars later to a lawyer, the case was dropped. I could have lost my government job! Even his older brother had the decency to point out that some things you just dont do.....so speed up to current day.....both are at home, both do nothing. Neither has a job. All they do is sleep all day. I wouldnt doubt for a second that they still smoke pot. We always find interesting paraphernalia around the house. Like sockets inserted into empty water bottles for homemade bongs. so, I just had it out with my oldest son yesterday. He has been home for 3 weeks and hasnt even TRIED to look for a job. they do nothing around the house except eat my food and beg for money. My oldest son doesnt drive. Im just so tired of crying from them being disrespectful. But at this point, I dont have to take it anymore. I only have 1 child I am legally responsible for and that is my 15 year old ADHD son. they can pack their crap and go. I dont want to do that but I will not be tormented any longer. I am at a breaking point. My husband is finally there. so much of this happened when he was gone, so he didnt see the worse. BUT, he was here when I was arrested yet still didnt want to put our son out. so I have a lot of crap I am dealing with. But I am at the point where if it has to be then I will say they go, or I go. I will take my youngest and the rest can stay here and kiss each others ass. sorry, but I am soooooo exhausted and everyone seems to think I am this horrible mother. where did my sweet boys go? They are off the deep end.

Nancy - posted on 06/01/2014

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You know I get the comments about how you feel the need to send them out on there own when they are disrespectful and harmful to your lives. I did it myself my son is gone. He wanted to control my home do dope lie and take advantage of my kindness. I love, supported helped and guided him. My son became destructive to my sanity ,health, and finances. REALLY? the comments about how I gave birth to him and he is my responsibility? yes until he is of age. If my son was respectful of my home and of me that would have been fine he could remain in my home until forever more. However, I am not going to allow him to terrorize me my life until he stops. There would have been nothing left of me or my life. Nowhere in the bible does it say I have to give my life literally for my child because of his or her disrespect and destructive disregard for me and my life! Mutual respect is key. However in the bible it does say HONOR THEY FATHER AND THY MOTHER! I bought him two cars, helped him and loved him all I could for 18 years. I get about 0 respect for it now so guess what then leave! find someone else who treats you better and cared for you and loves you more! If you want to come back and do right appreciate you have help and family that loves you the doors open. If you want to just lie and destroy us get the FXXX gone~! And anyone who does not like it can think whatever they want in there pea sized brain because I know parents who have heart attacks and are in foreclosure and have lost there life savings for 3 educations ect drug rehabs and never so much as got a thank-you. The kids just blame the parents for every problem they have and start to steal every last thing they have on the way out! My dad said to me when I was little when I had a problem honey wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you solved your problem I will give you guidance and love but you need to do the work! I can tell you HE LOVED ME TO NO END AND DID I HATE IT BECAUSE HE DID NOT DO EVERYTHING FOR ME! TO THE CONTRARY I APPRECIATED THE HELP BY NOT HELPING ME! LOVING SOMEONE DOES NOT MEAN FIXING EVERY DAMN PROBLEM SOMEONE HAS AT ANY AGE! LIFE IS WHAT YOU LEARN BY EXPERIENCES MISTAKES MAKES YOU GROW!!! This attitude of I made it after you threw me out YOU PIECE OF SHIT PARENT I BULL! they had the same opportunity to do go do good the problem is they want to hold a grudge about there ability at the time to be strong enough to love there parents at the same time they get there own life together and take responsibility for there lives!One person said I had no way to get to work! they would not give me a ride? are you kidding me? I have taken the bus asked a friend for a ride until I saved for a car? whats wrong with working for things? Clean a house or two babysit walk dogs get a paper route. Ride a bike what ever! this mentality that we are fixers of all our kids issues is bogus! MUTUAL LOVE AND RESPECT! My son is out in the world doing who knows what and I surely wish he was here but that is not my fault its his!

Cooldip - posted on 05/28/2014

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Did you do you feel good now ,mother ,oh you were so happy when i was in your womb ,so complete ,dad ,my father whome loved you ,whom you crushed with a hundred doller stileto ,flying here and there yeh thats Normal ,guess what mom Im the one you wanted and now youve rejected , Ill need you and Dad when im thirty ,forty and fifty ,,oh that glorious day when I was born , better you got Dad to puntch you in the guts and drop me from your body ,there is no thing for me out here ,no love ,cause i can not be loved and i do not know how to love ,i am what I was taught to be ,a looser a joke ,a wast of space ,thanks mom ,I am nearly fifty now ,some how, and i wish i had never been born ,you arrogant ,self absorbed ass hole ,lets face GOD TOGETHER AND SEE what the lord says ,about your life and mine thanks mom ,thanks dad ,you may or may noy see this ,,tou see its about family ,its about nerture oh you wickard and perverse generation ,so go catch a plane drive your nice car feel justified go ahead be my gueast dad and mom ,i have nothing now ,no ambition no drive just a big hole in my life ,you filthy women ,feel good about your stuipid selves ,all tanned and wrinkel free ,ha ha ,I am all your son , I am all your baby boy ,i am in pain I suffer every day i used to be a little boy

Charlene - posted on 05/03/2014

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What you wrote I could have written. I know the broken heart, the constant crying over the deep loss of one you love so much. The worrying. The constant thinking about him. Our son, only 16, is gone for good as of just a few days ago. We have kicked him out several times. He's been homeless, sleeping outside, in shelters, detox... the pain of it rips my heart in shreds. Constant drugs, stealing from us, lying, sneaking out, leaving the house open in the middle of the night, having druggies over whenever we were out, swearing, abusive language toward us for no reason. We lived in a state of siege in our own home, locking up everything in sight. And yet, how sweet he could be with his endearing ways. I love him so much. I miss him terribly. For you, I hope it helps to know you are not alone. I do believe God will help.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/02/2014

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Mr. Lauinger,

Get off this site. You are NOT a mom, and with that response, I doubt you're a parent.

FYI, Since you aren't aware of it, the only states where it's legal are CO and WA...so your argument advocates abetting a criminal.

John - posted on 05/01/2014

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Parents like you make me sick. I know personally what your son is going through, to turn your back on your son as he despretly needs help is bad parenting. Why do you think your son would be selling marajuana in the first place? Sure he likes to toke up a bit but the only reason he's slinging weed is because he need's money to get himself out of this situation, and in denying your son help you have left him with few options. As he tries to get money to pay bills you have allowed an active warrent to be issued on your son and you have set him up for failure, money just doesn't come out of anywhere and it's almost immpossible to have your son pay the fines by yourself. Now reguarding you kicking him out of the house, it's your house you set the rules and if you want him gone then that's what'll happen but your son will most likely never look at you the same. He will hate you and look at you to a leading problem in his world going to shit. There's a saying " You don't drop someone without getting dropped", and your son will most likely drop just about all connections with you. Back to the marajuana problem, your son is not a criminal and he is not a morally bad person just because of what he smokes, the teen generation of today has become so accustomed to smoking weed that it is not frowned upon by today's teen's and young generation. It is more frowned upon by today's young generation to smoke tobacco then weed, and it seems you have over dramatisied the fact that your son smokes. This goes for ALL parents, if you have a teen in highschool, more so 10th grade and up there is a high chance they are smoking weed. Some of the common signs are, staying in the bathroom for prolonged periods, shaky legs and they constatly put their hands in their pockets.

Debbie - posted on 04/06/2014

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Terri....Please give us an update! Hope all is well and that you are having a great relationship with your son now!

Venus - posted on 04/05/2014

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Its really sad how are kids act towards us.My daughter hurt me so much,not touching me in other ways.I pray cause god listen.I swear She really need an wake up call.These kids are so foul,,to put there parents through this.I have always been an single mom,weather if I had someone or not.but always and still trying to do what's right for my kids.

Venus - posted on 04/05/2014

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18 year old steal from me,her brother and sister.nasty but think she so fine.Been through cops,judge mentor.She try and get phones in my younger kids name.She lie's don't do nothing.I'm about to start working and I kno obvious that I can't depend on her with help.I told her if that hard up for an phone then u need to work the streets.I have been through so much crap with her.I'm So Tired.I'm not comfortable in my home.She's not on drugs and very smart.But she is Dumb.Help Advice like it really would help.Do she need an check.

Fran - posted on 03/29/2014

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hang in there Stephanie and tracy as hard as it is. you will just get more of the same if you let them back in again! they CHOSE not to follow YOUR RULES under YOUR HOME. It will take time, but we must remain strong by our decision. I see changes already. he is living in a good shelter and getting a lot of support. he applied for welfare yesterday so and making plans to find a place to live as he can only stay at the shelter for a month or a bit longer. I find when I am with him, it is toxic and find I can't be around him for very long. I just took him to some medical appts this week but told him for the next ones, HE will be responsible to remember he dates and take the bus to get there. I know he ws annoyed yesterday with me as I was asking him questions and he was tired. we then passed by home as he wanted to pick up a couple of things. he asked to take a shower since he was here...sure enough, messy as heck again! and couldn't wait for him to leave. I think we need some distance for now and I have to stop being so meddling and leave him be for now.

Stephanie L - posted on 03/28/2014

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I came into work just filled with guilt, looking for some type of assurance I am doing the right thing. MY 18 year old I put out 3 months ago. All of a sudden him and h is girlfriend have no where to go, he will not leave me alone to come back home. But as I read so many stories on here, I felt so many people understand and live the same life. The breaking of windows, doors,holes in the wall. The constant cussing me out non stop, arguing with his brother and sister. No respect leaves for days wont answer my calls I worry. I love my son so much, but I sit and close my eyes knowing I let him back in I will just live the same life again. I was sick of being his verbal punching bag!!!! But I get torned knowing its my son. My other two have it good, work, have a place to stay. Im just confused!!

User - posted on 03/25/2014

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My son is not yet 18 until May 2. He has been kicked out of our home at least 4 times now. Each time we let him come back saying never again. He is disrespectful, doesn't care about anyone's stuff but his. Doesn't go to school only maybe for an hr here and there. Steals our stuff to sell to buy pot, doesn't have a job or any motavation to get one, says he hates his life and wants to kill himself but won't get help. The list goes on and on. He was let move home about a month ago promised this time he had changed and would not be disrespectful. From day 1 it's been one thing after another so yesterday we finally had to have him escorted out by police again. It breaks my heart, I feel like the worst mother in the world. I have tried everything for him. My heart is breaking because he really has no where to go and can't even get welfare til he turns 18. I know I made the right choice but its killing me. How do I deal with the heart ache???

Fran - posted on 03/25/2014

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Hello, i came across this posting and am too going through turmoil with my 18 year old son...strange that it seems these problems are more with boys than girls (just an observation). Last Friday, i came home and i can honeslty say, it has been hell living here. I never know what to expect when i arrive from work and the only solace i have is driving to and from work (sad to say). Well last friday, i was greeted by an overbearing smell of burning meat and smoke in my home. My son had the sliding door open in an effort to air it out. I asked him what he did and he said he trying frying up some frozen meat. He has done this before and have asked him not to use the stove as he nearly burned my kitchen down before! Anyhow, i tried to stay calm and asked him to clean up all the grease covered dishes, pots/pans and the mess he made on my floor (covered in greased as it must have splattered as he cooked). He refused saying he was tired so i bit my tongue and said to do it before the end of the evening. Well 11 pm rolls around and i see him going downstairs to play video games. I asked him to clean up like he said he would. He refused...i got more agressive with him and he pushed me back quite hard....i said don't lay your hands on me! (mind you he is 6'2, 290 lbs -big boy!). At that point i told him to go upstairs NOW and clean up the mess he made and i would help him as well. So he stomps upstairs, goes to the sink , takes a plate and smashes it to the ground!! Glass went flying everywhere and ended up slashing my big toe on my foot! I started bleeding quite heavily. All he said to me was 'payback in a bit**'. I was crying at that point and should tell you all he had a history of continuous stealing of credit cards, money, lying to me...you name it i can't count the number of times i have had to replace my cards, change PIN numbers etc etc. He doesn't go to school...rarely sleeps in til 2pm and has no motivation to do anything other than play games all day long! He has adhd, anxiety, insomnia issues. At that point i told him he had to leave! Mind you he had no concern at all for the fact i was hurt and bleeding! He went upstairs while i called a local home/shelter for youths in my community. He knew at that point i meant business! he came down with his clothes packed begging me to let him stay and he would clean up! I said...too late i have had enough and this can't continue!. I remained firm as hard as it was. He then goes into the hallway and takes a large glass mirror on the wall and smashes down on the floor...more glass flying, i had drops of blood all over the floor, counter, and glass everywhere...it looked like a murder fight scene. He again appologized at that point i was furious and feaful too that he would physcially hurt me so i said either leave NOW or i would get the police to escort him out! I shoudl mention he had surgery for a proceedure a few weeks ago and couldn't lift heavy things so grudgingly i agreed to drive him to the shelter and afterwards i drove to emergency to get stitches on my foot. He had no concern at all for me! Next day he phoned me to see how i was. I saw him Sunday, and oddly enough we met for lunch and it seems some of the tension between us has diminished, he said sorry for what he did and we spoke about possiblity of him moving out and finding a place. Monday he actually went to school (for 2 periods...but hey he went to school!) and he looked awake and alive rather than the usual zombie look he has from lack of sleep and staying up all night! He was well groomed and looked like a different person. I am thankful he is not into drugs. Part of me is killing me right now and i fear something terrible will happen to him but he seems to be doing well and i have to back off for now as hard as it is. I stopped the constant texting and phone calls...that i did last time he was in the shelter for a week, only to ask him to come back home. This time, i am going at it a differnt way....let him experience and fact the consequences of his actions! May be this is the solution...we need space and he needs to become more independent and hopefully find a job eventually. I am still h ere toi support him and take him for counselling, but i have done all i can at this point the rest is up to him! My health was suffering with high bp, insomnia, panic attacks, stomamch issues, anxiety you name and i feel it h as helped with the distance between us. I have to let him grow up and let him be. I still feel guilty, he is living in a place where they sleep in bunk beds (4 to a room) and share 1 bathroom...whereas at home he had access to his own bedroom, 3 bathrooms,. entire basement. He lived 5 mins away from school...now it takes him over an hour to get to school from the shelter....but this is his choice! He didn't follow my rules in my home and giving him constant chances just cause things to escalate and get worse.

Please pray for me to find the strength that i can continue my stance and not 'give in' out of guilt as i am akin to do!! Thank you for your inspiring advice and to all the mothers going thru this, is is comforting to know we are doing the right thing as hard as it is!

Rhonda - posted on 03/18/2014

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Thank you Maria. I am so glad your son is at that point and also realizes that the choices he makes for friends has a big impact on his recovery. That does give me hope.
My son did decide to go to rehab. I was very pleased with his decision because I was was not going to back down with our rules. I was really fearful that he would end up at the mission downtown. He really is at a crucial decision time. I think he is taking steps in the right direction, but he will have to pull out all the stops to be successful. They have a saying in AA that "half measures avail us nothing". Success would include changing his friends which I am not sure he is ready to do. I do hope that he nips this in the bud now while he is young. I attend AA and have experienced or heard of others experiencing terrible hardships before hitting their bottom. I am worried what my son's bottom is as he has already experienced a lot of hardship. I can definitely attest that going back out NEVER gets better. I have not heard anyone say that it does in all my years of AA. At any rate, for now I am at peace knowing he is in rehab. We will then take it one day at a time. I am trying to let faith overcome my fear.
Good suggestion about NAR-anon. I knew about Al-Anon, but not this. I will check to see if there is one in my area.
Robin, I am of of the same belief that there are demonic spirits involved. I agree with you, thank you for your feedback.

Robin - posted on 03/18/2014

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At 18 he is an adult. as a Catholic belief demons attach themselves to drug addicts. he needs prayer and may need to be kicked out to hit his bottom. he needs drug rehab, but won't do it until you play hard ball. I would pray to Jesus for him also go to Al anon.

Maria San - posted on 03/16/2014

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Ladies, it can get better. I do strongly suggest that you start attending Nar-Anon meetings. That experience will help you and will give you strength. Our son, who is now 19, was doing all of this same stuff, weed, prescription pills, alcohol and all of the bad behaviors that come with it. We went to family drug therapy with him and he lied throughout and continued doing all of those destructive things. It didn't seem to matter what we tried, it didn't work. Drugs are more powerful than any effort we could make. We took the advice of our counselors and did start attending Nar-Anon meetings. We also set expectations and told him he could choose to live at home under certain conditions or he could choose to live some place else. He could not stop using or disrespecting and so we considered that to be him choosing to live someplace else. He couch hopped for several months, got into some trouble and finally, thank God, decided he could not live that way any more. He hit his low and decided he needed and wanted help. We were able to get him into a rehab program and now he has been clean for 3 months. He completed the in-patient part of the program and is now in a sober living house. He appears to be committed to the process and we have seen a huge change in him. We have seen a lot of maturity in the last three months, probably the result of stopping the drug use and allowing his brain to continue its growth. Anyway, we are very hopeful for him. Things are not perfect but he is on the right path. He isn't always taking leaps but he does take steps in the right direction and that is so good to see. We felt helpless and hopeless for a very long time. He had to hit his bottom and decide on his own that he needed and wanted help. We had to stop enabling him and providing for him and fixing things for him in order for that to happen. He recently told me that in retrospect, even though he was angry with us for all of the actions we took back then, he now knows they were the right things for parents to do and he appreciates us being strong and not enabling him. I still have moments of doubt and worry about him and just pray that he continues down the right path. My point is that it can get better and for us, it started when we went to Nar-Anon and family counseling. You can do it with or without his participation, but you definitely do need to take care of yourself. It is true that addicts can only change and get on the right track when they decide for themselves that it is time. In our case, we had to stop enabling him by providing his support (housing, transportation, phone) and let him realize how bad his life had become because of his behaviors. It took us a long time to get to this point, but we are thankful that things are moving in the direction they are going. He has also realized that the people you hang around with influence how you behave. He is now hanging around with others who are recovering and want to get better instead of people that encourage him to do destructive things. The change in him is remarkable. He admits that he still has desires to use but his desire to change is much stronger now and his involvement in AA, rehab, and counseling is reinforcing his recovery. I pray that your boys and you get to the same place. Please strongly consider going to a Nar-Anon meeting. They have a saying, "Keep coming back. It works if you work it." I have found it to be true. Stay strong. Stay hopeful. And let's pray for us all.

Rhonda - posted on 03/13/2014

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Thanks, Jean. I really appreciate that. I hate that anyone is going through the same thing, but it does help to get feedback from those who understand.

Jean - posted on 03/13/2014

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Rhonda I am not sure how much consolation it is to you but everything you are saying and going through is just like me. I worry also of police showing up at my door saying my son is dead but as you said - it has to be handed over to God. To be honest I have struggled with God and if he truly hears my prayers. I really struggle with belief in these times. This also has been years for us and as my friends say - they do not know how I am still going after everything. I do not know either and most days I am barely hanging on. It is literally killing me inside but I try hard to put on a good front and realize I do not deserve the treatment or abuse from this boy. I would lay down my life for him and yet he is trashing all over us. So, so sad. And yes - a huge yes that people who offer advice do not know what it is like. I have tried absolutely everything also. People say why do you give him chances, etc. but how can you not??? It is your child. No Mom has a baby and looks in their eyes and says "when you get big you will make life hell for us all and will be a druggie and bum". Really? These are young men now. They have to grow up and stand on their own two feet. We did not bring them up this way. Anyways, I am sorry to go on and on but as sad as it may sound - it helps in some strange way knowing others are also struggling with this type of thing. One of my dear friends who lives far away also went through it with her son so they kicked him out at 18. He lived in a flop house, did all kinds of drugs, got in trouble with the law but now is going back to school and trying to straighten his life out. I only pray our young men will find that path. Be strong friend. I can not hug you but I am hugging you in my heart and shedding a tear for your heartache also.

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