I'm going to finally give my daughter 30 days to leave.

[deleted account] ( 10 moms have responded )

I could really use mom support. Its been a long long road that started at age 6 with my now nearly 19 year old daughter. I'm divorced from her dad but he played a fairly active role and now my 2nd husband (been together 4 years) has done what he can to help guide her. Let me say that I’m a full time working mom with a great career, never used a drug, she has NEVER had anything abusive happen to her ever, there have never been lots of men in my life and my husband is a wonderful man, she was never neglected in any way…. But the following is just who she is.

She started at 6 with lying and back talk. By 8 she was stealing from my purse and her grades were horrendous. By 10-11 the back talk became horrible…"I can't wait to see you lying dead" was a common phrase when asked to do even the smallest of tasks like finish homework or tidy her room. Grades, nasty mouth, filthy room... ugh.

Fast forward to age 16 - missing for days at a time, I ground her, that's a joke. Now she steals and smokes weed. The PT job she has, stolen from them too. March 2016 she turns 18... barely graduates, works PT (when she doesn't call out), nasty mouth complete with calling me "B" and "C". And if all that's not enough the drugs has graduated (not sure if its pills or heroine) and she's having sex. I took her to the GYN 5 weeks ago she tested positive for Gonorrhea… gets the call about her diagnosis and instead of crying and getting her life together… partied for 2 days and STILL having sex.

I absolutely have tried to get her help. A total of 9 different therapists since the age of 7 plus to girl therapy groups. Tested twice by a neurologist, nothing. Crisis intervention told me “not to take it personal when she tells me she wants me to die and it makes her sick to look at my ugly face”. And “she doesn’t mean it when she says tells you to sleep with one eye open because she’s going to kill you in your sleep”.

So, today after talking to her now FORMER boss (walked out of the job 7 weeks ago and I never knew it) I have finally had enough. The boss told me that she’s pretty sure she’s a stripper at a place nearby. Dear God really?!? I’m going to pray on this because that’s what I know I need to do but, I’m going to give her 30 days to leave (which I believe is generous). Now that I have high blood pressure and am being tested for a heart problem I want to salvage what life I have left to make it as happy as I possibly can – and I know as long as she lives with me peace and happiness don’t exist.

Please don’t bash me… I need your story if you went through this. I need any encourage or words of wisdom I can get. Its hard ladies. I’m 47… I want my life back.

Thank you… God bless.

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Shannon - posted on 09/18/2016

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Sheila, it's not your fault. I can relate to the name calling and total lack of respect and love you get from your daughter. I have one too (who's twenty and still living at home). I think you've done all you can here and you deserve to have some happiness and health (!). It will be hard to watch her leave, but ultimately, you can't control everything. And if it's true that she's working as a stripper--well, sounds like she at least has some means to support herself. You can't keep a person from themselves. Don't let her manipulate or guilt trip you! You have the right to draw boundaries and to have some self respect. Now that she's an adult, it's time to refocus on yourself. Perhaps some therapy from the trauma she's put you through is in order too. I wish you all the best.

Linda - posted on 09/17/2016

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It breaks my heart to read this. It looks like you have been through such a journey with your daughter and pray that things get better between you both. Prayer works.! It changes situations and the condition of the heart. It will change the way you feel towards your daughter. At this point, handing her problems back to her will make her responsible for her actions and consequences. Have faith that deep down inside there is a wonderful young lady that God blessed you with. Don't lose hope and yes you were called to live a peaceful life. There is a resource I use called parenting today's teens app and it has helped me during the teenage years. I would probably have a horrible relationship with my daughters too if I hadn't seemed out some type of guidance. Don't take it to heart the situation you are in, better things are headed your way. I will be praying for you and your family. God bless

10 Comments

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Charlene - posted on 09/21/2016

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She needs to learn lessons in the real world. Let her go learn them! You've done a good job mom. These are her bad choices not yours:)

Ev - posted on 09/19/2016

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{{When you said "she got away with more than is said here" I got a little irritated at first. But then I realize you only know what I'm telling you... you don't live my life, You can't feel my pain. you don't know the great length's that I have gone through to help her. The love I have shown her. You only know what your reading Ev. So I'll say this, when I go to my grave I will go with a clear conscience knowing that I was the best mother I could have been to her.}}

You are right--I know what is only here but at the same time I have read a lot of these kinds of posts in the past and the whole situation is the same. I have raised two kids to adulthood. And they knew I meant business. You could have not given back the phone at all. You could have just not done a lot of things or given them back to her. If she is a narcissistic then that is just how she is. But I never said I was perfect either. I had to help raise two kids with a very distant father who would hardly co-parent with me and guess who the kids give the credit to? ME. I parented from afar most times because we had joint custody with him as primary parent--not because I was an unfit parent but because I wanted to not have my kids go through more hell than needed. Being with dad most of the time did no work for them because he did not pay them the attention they needed. I am not saying for bad behaviors but just the necessary attention. They did their parts by trying the rules here and there but I made sure they understood I was the parent and my choice was final. My son gave me harder times than his sister did but I got through them. You can teach the kids not to think totally of themselves while they grow up. You just have to find the thing that works to get the attention the best...apparently taking things was not the answer with your daughter...you just needed another option.

[deleted account]

He called her a spoiled brat because she told him "she won't let me go to time square with my friends". He said "do you have your own room, food and clothing". She said "yes". He said "I see you have a cell phone, who pays for that". She said "my mother does until my 18th birthday then I have to pay for it". He then said "get back upstairs you spoiled brat".

Yes,i followed through with consequences. Things got her attention for a couple days and then she got use to it. Like taking away her cell phone... after about a week she didn't care. If I grounded her she still was able to got to school and socialize so then she didn't care. I did all that I could do. One therapist from crisis intervention told me "she is a text book narcissist"... that was said when she was 17.

When you said "she got away with more than is said here" I got a little irritated at first. But then I realize you only know what I'm telling you... you don't live my life, You can't feel my pain. you don't know the great length's that I have gone through to help her. The love I have shown her. You only know what your reading Ev. So I'll say this, when I go to my grave I will go with a clear conscience knowing that I was the best mother I could have been to her.

Ev - posted on 09/19/2016

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But were you always consistent in the consequences? Did you really find what worked for you to get her attention? Because I can tell you right now--the cop called her a spoiled brat and that means that she got away with more than is said here. It had to be something.

[deleted account]

Hello Ev. Well as I mentioned I did try multiple therapists, girls group therapy, 2 neurologists, even Crisis intervention.... they really didn't seem to help at all. Early years it was time out, taking away something, etc. As she got older, suspending her phone for a few days, grounding, etc. It would work for a day or so but then she was right back at it.

New years eve before last - she took of to time square with another friend (it was a couple months before her 18th birthday). I found out the next day and went off on her. Took away her phone and told her to go to her room until I think of a sufficient punishment. While in her room she grabbed the house phone and call the police to tell them I was abusing her and holding her against her will! After speaking to me then realized she was being "A spoiled Brat" at the cop said and sent her back to her room.

I did everything I could to reach her.

Shannon - posted on 09/18/2016

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Also, I realize I should probably take my own advice. I'm working on it. It's easy to know what the right thing to do is, but much harder to actually do it. I still hope you can find the inner strength to get this toxic child out of your house. Know that you are not alone.

Ev - posted on 09/17/2016

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While I am sorry this happened with your daughter it makes me wonder when you speak of her younger years what if anything you did about her lying, back talk, stealing from you and so forth? I am not saying you allowed it to happen but it does sound like it was allowed to go on without much intervention. That may be why you were told by the neurologist that there was nothing wrong with her. That may be why therapy did not work. She just needed a firm hand.

Michelle - posted on 09/16/2016

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I am so sorry you have a struggle like this. I have no advice but it sounds like you have no choice but the tough love at this point. I imagine it is going to be very hard for you but I seems you have to do it. After all you don't want her still living with you using drugs 10 years from now. Good luck and try to stay strong.

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