I need advise on how to get my 12 year old daughter to listen and to what she is asked instead of mouthing off

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Ghada - posted on 05/08/2011

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my daughter is 12 years old,im suffering of her irresponsibility towards everything,everyday imtelling to collect her boks and brush her teeth,im pushing her to be responssible and studying well ,even if she studies she wants to finish in a while,she s always bored,today she told me that her friend at school chatted with her and told her that he loves her,i laughed and i tried to talk to her friendly,what is the next step to do,we r stuck to our traditions to a limit,plz i want more advise how to treat with her ,taking in consideration that she doesnt hve any sister only 2 big brothers 19years and 21 years old,help me plz

Nancy - posted on 06/07/2011

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A couple of questions:
Does your daughter have a cell phone?
Does your daughter have a computer and internet??
Does your daughter go to birthday parties, hanging out with friends?? If so, here is my advice...
Take the things she like away!!
I never use to believe in these things until I have to apply it to myself and my daughter. She is a very smart, kind, beautiful and respectful 17 year old now, but there were times where she would always mouth off or simply refuse to do something. So, every times she would mouth of, I would take something away she really liked. Let me tell you, it sure helped!! Sure, kids will always mouth off but there is a fine line between mouthing off and just plain disrespectful! So try it and see if it works for you too!

Lady Mary E.A. McNamara - posted on 01/25/2009

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I have a 17, 14 and 9 year old.  I don't know how you've raised her up till now, but we NEVER allowed the kids to talk ugly to either of us or even start to get mouthy.  We have sat down with our teens and I've told them that I realize they might not have good days or if it's that time of the month.  Our key has been communication.  They tell me if they're feeling bad or not had a good day and when they do, it's an automatic "let them alone until they're ready".  They don't get out of chores and if they're around family, they have to be nice otherwise they keep to themselves.  A bad attitude in our house is immediately dealt with by the taking away of whatever is important at the moment. IE: cell phone, computer time, tv, video games, etc.  My kids know the rules and abide by them.  I try to make it so that if they are actually having a bad day or not feeling up to par that they are met with understanding.  They know they're loved and I'm a big hugger too, but I do not put up with being ugly.  You'd better have a REAL good reason or you are in serious trouble.

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Joanie - posted on 03/16/2014

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my daughter does the same thing. she's a good kid and all and is in honors and people that know her say she is the nicest kid. I've been divorced for about 8 years and I've been dating a guy for about 6 1/2 years. she hates him so badly she has said to me shed rather "move out" but we cant because I cant work. she has also gotten so upset with me that she wanted to be adopted. when she says that I feel so upset because I adopted her when she was an infant. she likes to talk back a lot, too. and she interrupts but lately she's been good with that mainly because she is afraid of my boyfriend. hope all works out with your child.

Maria-palma - posted on 06/07/2011

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i have 12yrs old and all she does is just want to go out and talk on the phone with boys that is older the her like 14,1518,19,and 20 as mother iam so scare but when i try to say somthing thing to her she yell at me and telling that i dont know anything and she say thing that hurt me like you are old and you make my life un happy,and i can do anything i want my dad will let me,and my dad will give me everthing, and when i have my cancer operation she doent event want to come to she me and she just lough at me,she never have any respect to me or my parent,her dad never want to help he just waithing for her to make mistake then he can blame on me,day in day out she just yell at me and she saying that the mother of her friend will take her in becouse she was upset that i dont let her to gor to under ageclubing,and her friend say that iam stupid mother,that i need to be fix by gang iwhat i shuld do please help iam sick and can look afther my self i have partner he just tell me just live her not to talk

Coral - posted on 05/29/2011

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I have a particularly sticky situation. I am going through a divorce and my soon to be ex still lives in the family home. He has poisoned my children against me and has sworn to "take them from me if it takes his last dime to do it." So, I am unable to punish my children. My 12-year old daughter has become an absolute nightmare because she knows she can get away with anything. I have always been the tougher parent: the disciplinarian, the one who requires chores to be done to earn money, the one who does the homework with them. She threatens to, "Tell Daddy" if I punish her. I have brought her behavior to her father's attention and his response is, "Well, I wasn't there to witness it, so how can I go along with a punishment?"

I have no authority with her and it gets worse by the day. I need some advice.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/27/2011

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i know the feeling my 13 year old does too but dont mouth off but when she talks she cusses and im trying to get her to stop and would like to figure a way to get to stop the cuss words

Rebecca - posted on 01/31/2009

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Quoting Andrea:



I can't remember the the name of the book I read that really helped me understand my 13 year old isn't losing his mind, it's totally normal. It was a book explain the brain & how different parts of it matures at different times. Like the frontal cortex takes some time, even until their early 20's to completely mature & that controls the switch that helps with decision making & thinking before you speak & self control etc. So, not to excuse the behavior, cause if you let it go you'll have a monster on yor hands. The book explains stay consistant, at "some point" it will all sink in. Everyone I know say the same thing once it starts (moods,fight for independance) it will be a rollercoaster untill around 11th grade. Hang in there!





The name of the book is Why Do They Act That Way by David Walsh. It is very helpful.

Maureen - posted on 01/31/2009

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I thought this was only a girl problem until I had my son that is ! Glad to hear I'm not alone. I remind myself to remember what being this age was like and the often difficult transition to adulthood. Although its very hard, ( I know ) stay consistant. Try not to allow the lines of communication to break down. Take time for yourself too so you don't get run down. I am confident and tell myself it will pass and there is a light at the end of the teen years..

Kris - posted on 01/31/2009

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Well, I have tried everything with my 13 year old daughter. Everyone keeps telling me this is normal. I have found through 3 years of counseling with her that this is something that takes time and patience. I have to admit sometimes my patience is not there.

Crystal - posted on 01/30/2009

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I have 3 of my own kids and have fostered over 20. you can't listen and talk at the same time... so she did listen, does she eventually do what you asked, if not thats where the problem is, and you need to practice some tough love. Not all children will respond to "punishment, groundings ect.." But they ALL want things from you and you want things from her therefore "tough love" and as far as the mouthing off is concerned she is talking to you like you are one of her friends "not her mom" that is the way they ALL talk, just make sure you save your fights and your energy for the real problems down the road, you want her to be polite you be polite you want her not to yell don't you yell.. . KILL HER WITH KINDNESS but be FIRM AND TOUGH LOVE will turn her into a real nice young lady by 20 its not today that really matters it's what they become

Shelly - posted on 01/30/2009

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Sarah,



  Lay down the law just once if she chooses not to live by the rules then you need to figure out a punishment and stick with it.  Don't even disscuss whats going to happen if she chooses to break the rules just do it swift and fast.  Don't give her time to even think about it...If that means no computer for a week or no friends for a week not even phone calls from friends then thats what you do If you try to remind her of the punishment it eill cause a fight and you eill get the "I DON"T REALLY CAR" attitude.  Just stick to your guns make it uncumfortable for herand if it continues then make her eat dinner away from the rest of the family don't allow her to be apart of family functions until she wants to act like apart of the family.  Good Luck and let us know.  And I will keep you in our prayers 

Sarah - posted on 01/26/2009

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hi I know its very hard and I have 2 younger kids and she is always taking ti out on them I hope it will get better!! You take care to!!

Kim - posted on 01/26/2009

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Ugh...12 was the worst for my daughter! The hormones, the emotional roller coaster. All you can do it try to be patient and know that it will usually pass. I don't mean let her be totally disrespectful, but pick your battles, try to spend extra time with her, etc. Mine is almost 15 now and things are MUCH better. Things are starting to click and she is easier to talk to and I have found patience I never knew I had.

Kim - posted on 01/26/2009

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i am going through the same thing with my 14 year old son. When ever i tell him something he does not listen to me but when my husband saids the same thing he listens. I have tried everything.

Nikki - posted on 01/25/2009

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My oldest daughter is now 14....... The best advise i can give u is .....Dont take anything they do or say personally .....When lauren my 14yr old was doing something that i did not like and wouldnt  listen 2 me when i was advising her or telling her off i used to try and turn the tables on her by asking her..." what she thinks she would do if she was in the same situation as me....i,e if she had a daughter......also i would remind her that her little sister will maybe need advise when she is older....what would she do for her ect.......dont get me wrong it didnt always work and sometimes u feel like u can not do or say anything but remember its just a stage....hormones n all that........shame its a long stage though lol

Cindy - posted on 01/24/2009

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Remove the ipod, cell phone, internet time,  phone priveledge unless school related.  Kids have too much these days.  At twelve I had a radio that I kept in my coat pocket.  I would turn that on during break time.  Today the students all bring their ipods to school  If she has one, a week of not having it at school should do it.

Colleen - posted on 01/24/2009

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Wow it is normal.



My now 17 year old was the same.



I found that when she started to mouth off, I would walk away. Getting upset is like throwing gas on a already burning fire.



I told her 1 time she has every right to disagree with anything I do or say, BUT, if she could not talk to me about it respectfully, I would not listen.



It was a struggle, but they do grow up. Sometimes I would remind her of her tone and she would change it, other times she wouldn't and I would not even enter into her conversation.



She is now a new mom at 17 and 2we have a great realtionship.

Jackie - posted on 01/23/2009

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ok, there is abook out there callled...how to talk to teens will listen, and how to listenn so teens will talk. THAT is the first step---read it and keep it by your bedside...cause I guarantee ou will read it again and again.

Next ask your teen to do ONE thing... clear the table please..

that is it!

nothing more

She does not go to the computer, the telephone or bed until the table is cleared.

Then once it is done---even after a fight. say THANKYOU

Shannon - posted on 01/23/2009

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Let me know if someone figures this out, because I have a 15 year old girl, a twelve year old girl and a 10 year old boy to hash this out with on a daily basis. Unfortunately for my oldest, she and I are too much alike and are always arguing (I was the same way with my mom and mom has been waiting for this day for a long time, I know). I try to be patient, but with 2 other pre-teens and an almost 2year old, it's really hard most of the time.

Kim - posted on 01/12/2009

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Quoting Sarah:

I need advise on how to get my 12 year old daughter to listen and to what she is asked instead of mouthing off




I have a twelve year old son that used to do the same thing. I would just walk out of the room when he started to be mouthy, or argue. It's hard to argue with someone when they walk away. Then you aren't yelling and they aren't getting under your skin. I'm not sure he knew what to think the first couple of times that I walked away from him. I would give us both a few minutes to cool off, then I would go back to him and talk very calm. We would get the situation under control and both of us would get a chance to have our points heard without being rude. Now he is the one that walks away when he is feeling like he's not being heard , the key to this is not to wait too long before you come back. You don't want your child to think that you are walking out on them, just that you are taking a minute to get your thoughts in order so that you both are not hot under the coller. This also teaches your child that you are NOT going to stand around and listen to the backtalk, or put up with being disrespected. You are the parent and you have the final say. Cool or Not.

Tania - posted on 01/11/2009

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My Daughter is the same, every time she opens her mouth its got attitude and its driving me up a wall. Its so bad it causes tension in the house hold. Then she acts as if she does not know what she has done wrong..We hardly talk to each other. I've got a 16 year old son and dont remember him being this way.Help!!!

Lizette - posted on 01/09/2009

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Wow. That's Crazy. I am also going through this with my 14 year old son. Everything I say he has an answered to, he knows everything and its all about him. I have tried everything to have him talk to me and to have him listen what I ask of him with no questions. One thing I learned is teenage is the rebellious year. At times I am frustated, I cry and don't know what to do anymore. Put I know that I am a good mother and hopefully one day my son will realize that. I know how you feel so hang in there. Just remember the more you push is the more that they are going to push back and harder.

Beth - posted on 01/09/2009

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Im also going through the same thing at the moment with my 12 yr old daughter, i've tried everything I can think of to get her to communicate with me, the only comunication she will have is when she's shouting her mouth off!!!

I sometimes sit & cry because I feel I cant cope anymore, this also makes me feel im a bad mum thinking this way! Good luck hunnie & hang in there x x

[deleted account]

You have to insist that you will "listen", but only if its in a respectful tone. My (almost 14 year old) daughter could be a lawyer, and she definitely has her opinions and her say on most things. She knows we'll listen, but if she has attitude she loses her audience. My husband can be passive, and although he's 6'3 and 245lbs she'll try having attitude with him. I make it very clear that her father DESERVES and WILL GET RESPECT because he works very hard and long hours to provide everything she has. When he's home, she knows if the "joking around" gets to be too much, I'll speak up. I tell her to do something once, and I don't discuss ANYTHING with her until it gets done. It might sound harsh, but I don't yell and I've never spanked. We're very close, and she talks to me about everything. She knows that I'll drop everything for whatever amount of time thats needed to LISTEN when she needs me. I'm very affectionate, my kids still give hugs and kisses, lie on my lap while watching TV, and we always say we love eachother.  My 22 year old son laughs at her complaints, in a sibling "yeah I know what moms like" way when he comes home for a visit...lol. He also tells me that I did a damn good job raising him, and I'm doing a great job with his sister too...lol. He also calls me when he's having a bad day at work. Yesterday he took his sister out and bought her 3 pair of jeans and 11 tops. He's a great kid!  Enough said...LOL! ;)

Andrea - posted on 01/07/2009

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I can't remember the the name of the book I read that really helped me understand my 13 year old isn't losing his mind, it's totally normal. It was a book explain the brain & how different parts of it matures at different times. Like the frontal cortex takes some time, even until their early 20's to completely mature & that controls the switch that helps with decision making & thinking before you speak & self control etc. So, not to excuse the behavior, cause if you let it go you'll have a monster on yor hands. The book explains stay consistant, at "some point" it will all sink in. Everyone I know say the same thing once it starts (moods,fight for independance) it will be a rollercoaster untill around 11th grade. Hang in there!

Sacheen - posted on 01/06/2009

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I don't have much advice for that but I do have the same problem with my 14 year old daughter. She has been doing the same thing since she was about your daughter's age.Someone once told me to make sure I don't yell too much but to talk softly and be patient.If you ever need to talk i'm always online. Good luck.

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