I think I'm being a bad mom because my kid is too much like my x ..help...

Jennifer - posted on 07/14/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I had a difficult difficult divorce many years ago..me daughter stayed with me and visited her dad at weekends etc..when she became older and I got worried about her not having such a good social life so I mentioned to my x that maybe we would try 50/50. He liked the idea cause it ment he wouldn't have to pay money for her..we tried it and she didn't like it ..big fight and she ended back with me.and me and the x are going through a custody battle now ..she is happy with me ..but she's adopted his attitude and arrogance...I struggle with it .and worry that ive started to dislike my child who I love so much ..because she reminds me to much of her dad who is cruel and manipulative....I need advice ..has love turned to hate.? Ive became so I'll and helpless that Its made me bitter with frustration ..because I have to fight with my kid now cause she has become her dad and I can't and I won't accept it ,,,help me see reason again ..please ...

I know right now I'm being a bad mom ...and it's tearing me apart ...I've failed my child by being making a mistake and I can't forgive myself for putting her through this situation ,,that I think I'm pushing her away ..she's become clingy and over demanding and it's suffocating at times...I'm scared to attach my self in case I loose her again.

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Amy - posted on 07/15/2012

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Try not to let her know that is how her dad is, by not comparing them. My daughter has many of her fathers habits, and she hardly sees him. I try so hard not to say "you are acting like your father" since then when she is bad she continues the behavior. Show her you love her, and let her cling to you she needs you. It might help to go to divorce care or family counselling. She probably has a huge fear of loosing you as well. Remember they are only young once, when they get older they wont be coming to you for that attention, and if she doesn't get it at home, she will seek it outside the home. The divorce is hard on children as well as parents, and needs to be dealt with. This is why it would be important to make sure you and your daughter talk to a therapist together so you both can work things out together. :) good luck!

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Kristi - posted on 07/15/2012

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Jennifer, I'm so sorry for your additional stress. Believe it or not, I also felt like I was given a prison sentence first, after my son went to live with his father and shut me out, how could I leave and take the chance of missing even one opportunity with him. Then I had my daughter, as I mentioned before, and because of the 50/50 custody thing he would jerk us around. When I finally decided I had to let go of my desire and hope for an opportunity with my son and wanted to move, my daughter's dad all of a sudden wanted full custody. He straight up told me, if he had to pay, we'd have to stay, even though he had no plans of spending time with my daughter. I had been away from my family for about 20 years and my current husband wanted out, so I had no where to go, no support from anybody and was desparate to leave so I signed off on the child support and we got to move. Would your ex ever agree to something like that? What would happen if you did just up and leave?

If not, I would urge you to find a support group of some sort. That would get you out there and maybe make some new friends who have been or are you are. Someone you could call and vent to or to ask if he/she wanted to go out for lunch. I love this site, too! It has been my only connection to other people. I have some people I know here but nobody I would share these kind of things with and my dad got a promotion at work so my parents moved half way across the country about 5 weeks after I got here, so I feel very alone again. CoM is my outlet. Another way you might be able to meet new people is by volunteering somewhere. It could be something you and your daughter could do together. My daughter and I will be doing that starting next week. Helping others is also rewarding and might help your self esteem. If you ever just want to talk please feel free to PM on here. I'm long winded sometimes ; ) but more than glad to support you any way I can.

One other thing, readjusting to new behaviors from your daughter and for yourself is challenging. It takes time so don't beat yourself up if you have a bad or if you think you should be feeling better and you're not as far along as you want to be. Accept the here and now. If you had arguement with your daughter and once it has been resolved, that's it. It is over, there is nothing more you can do about so let it go and keep moving forward. You are a good mom. Like I said in my original comment, you both will be fine. Keep hanging in there. Your love for your daughter will prove to be stronger than your dislike and frustration over her behavior/attitude. I wish you happiness and peace.

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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im so glad u wrote to me ...when my daughter came back from being with her dad today...your words gave me a new sense of courage to help me and hervthrough this hard time ..blessings and love to you kristi.c and amy

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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some background stuff u should know...i moved here to norway from scotland almost 18 years ago..my sister who moved here first was lonley so i decided id take a year away from my studies to help her out...i eventualy met my x man through my sister who encouraged the union we married and ended up having a wonderfull baby girl..i was very lonely and missed my mum after she was born ...so i traveled home without my husbands consent ..he phoned me once in the space of 8 weeks..my kid then according to the norwegian law ,,could be with me.but as soon as she turned a year old her dad had equal rights..this phoncall changed my life..he told me on arriving in the contry he wanted to divorce and i had to move out...he had reassured me on the tlf that we would sort things out..he lied ...because of this i have to live here in his country til my daughter is 18 ...it feels like a prison sentence ...my sister divorced and moved back home ..ive been so lonely and stressed out that i now have chronic fatige syndrome and fibriomalagi..im so happy to have finally got internet and a place to talk ..thank you for listening ..i needed that .

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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thankyou so much for your lovvely positive advice ,,,you have been through a hard time and yet you remain loving and positive..some good advice ...i want to change my behaviour so our lives can be filled with love and security..etc

Kristi - posted on 07/15/2012

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Having feelings and disliking your child's behavior doesn't make you a bad mom. If the "mistake" you are refering to is that of going 50/50 with her dad, you are not alone and you could not have predicted the outcome. When my 1st ex-husband and I split my daughter was about 3 or 4. I wanted the divorce over with and did not have the money for a custody battle so I agreed to the 50/50 as well. It absolutely turned into a nightmare and a knock down drag out custody fight, too. Unbenounced to me, my ex and his various wives, along with his mother, had been telling my daughter of age 7-9, outrageous and damaging lies and putting me down for quite sometime. My daughter had begun to believe them and was growing more and more distant, she was also getting sick to her stomach all the time. It turned out that she was hating me quite a bit but was holding it all in, which was making her sick. Since then, I did get full custody and with therapy, patience, and gritting my teeth, we worked through it and today we couldn't be closer. She is going to be 13 in 2 months. My point is, you and she will be ok.

My second point is that you're fear of losing her is totally understandable. My stepson, who I basically raised since he was 2, was also very clingy and needy during the years of 6-8. His mother kept popping in and out of his life and later his dad began cheating on me so he was very insecure about where his mom was and then about who was going to take care of him when his father and I separated. So, although I understood why he was behaving that way, it still drove me nuts at times. I had also "lost" my son, (he lives with his dad and his dad refused my visitation rights so I haven't seen him in 8 years, now) so I was very apprehensive about giving my stepson 100% of my heart. I jumped on him for the littlest things sometimes, just to maintain some distance. I only realized my attitude after my husband and my counselor pointed it out to me.

I made a decision to let my guard down, after all he was really my own. I bit my tongue a lot and tried to engage in more positive ways. I was the adult and he was innocent so why should he suffer at the hands of my experience with my own son. Shortly therafter, I started feeling better. His neediness was no longer annoying, instead I began to view it as extra affection and by returning that he became more secure and was happy to not have to walk on eggshells anymore. Once he felt safer and knew that I loved him whole heartidly, he became less needy. You have to love them like there is no tomorrow, otherwise you are both missing out. And they deserve no less than our all because they didn't ask to born and they didn't ask for our grown up problems.

When he did go see his mom, he came home with a chip on his shoulder and a little attitude. Which made his father and me seriously frustrated. No matter how many times my husband would talk to his ex-wife about rules and appropriate behavior, she never listened. So, we just started setting more boundries with him. Well, we had a family meeting and explained to my daughter and his son what behaviors were appropriate and what were not. We laid out the consequences and stuck to them. It sounds like you need to do that with your daughter if she is disrespecting and mistreating you. Remember it takes 2 to argue. If you feel yourself getting too upset or overwhelmed by the situation, just walk away. Easy to say...harder to do. If she is yelling at you and being disrespectful send her to her room. Tell her you'll be in the living room and would be happy to talk to her when she can be more polite. (she knows where you'll be and she won't have to seek you out when she is ready to talk.) Stick to your guns and I believe you'll see a change for the better.

Remember, she is not her father, she is your daughter. Set the rules and follow through and love her freely and completely. Oh, and breathe. ; ) I'll be sending positve thoughts your way. Hang in there!

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