I've reached the end of my rope.I'm so miserable & angry,

Donna - posted on 04/23/2012 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My 16 yr. old & I used to be "best friends". I felt like I was always giving good advice while we spent a lot of time together & had fun. Her dad was always the super lenient one, wanting NO conflict, so I became the hard ass even 'though I wasn't much of one. In eighth grade she got this "boyfriend". She got jealous when he wasn't around but then said she only felt that way when he was at camp/unavailable. In jr. High he started sleeping over sometimes on weekends 'cause he lived a subway ride away. They were just kids in the very next room --no sex. But she pushed it. After 2 years he was there all the time, making a filthy pigsty (really gross; food filthy clothes, etc.) I would get mad and tell her- ok scream at her to clean up. And he was there more & more rarely relating to me, very quiet. I reached a breaking point. I said he had to go. usually my husband didn't want to make waves & said stuff like "do you want to lose your daughter?" But even he had to agree it was too much. My daughter had a freakout. "Why can't it just be like it was in 8th grade?" She also accused me of being a racist 'cos he's not white. Her attatchment to him seemed unhealthy then but NOW forget it. After we stopped the constant party in her room, just making a filthy mess and watching dumb shows; no sex, It's true. They are just "best friends". She has gone to his house w/out fail, regardless of what is going on or what I say EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND FOR 8 months- without fail. When I raise the issue, she says i'm crazy; there's no problem It's my problem. She curses at me, calls me crazy, says there's no problem. When pressed, she says she has fun there and there are other friends around- his friends i've never met. Still it's supposed to be ok cause there's no sex. He's been smoking & dealing "weed" since he was a kid. I don't know what else. His mom, whom I've never met, is always drunk or on crack & I recently learned heroin. She brings home 20 or more years younger guys and my daughter & this boy have seen her having sex. When I bring this up, and I only know because MY DAUGHTER HAS TOLD ME, she tells me not to DARE speak of him or his mother. She also tells me that she fully intends to spend every weekend at Bruce's house as long as she's in high school. Why? It varies: I smoke cigarettes; I am mean; I make bad food, it doesn't matter. If I threw her a party and bought out all her favorite stores, she would still leave Fri. for his house and come back on Sun. My husband and I fight constantly-screaming fights. He isn't hard on her (at least she's not having sex) so he doesn't think it's so bad and I should "relax". It's been escalating. Now I want to kill her.She treats me with No respect. But no matter what--she goes to Bruces house Fri afternoon 'til Sunday and doesn't see what MY problem. She won't even pretend she'll stop for even one week.It's gotten to the point where I want to leave my family and never come back. We've had 2 sessions w a family therapist but I have little hope. I'm verging on leaving for good. My heart is broken. I adored my daughter. She is unreasonable, obsessive and had hung out with mostly just this one jerky kid for four years now. Should I abandon her and my husband, move back to my home town and forget I ever had a family. She acts like she knows everything but is not correct. Has NO respect; curses at me; refuses to even compromise and "doesn't see the problem". I think the whole thing is unhealthy, sex or not. It's downright weird. He is not even her "boyfriend". She has no other boyfriends, never has. She is very pretty and smart but not as much as she thinks. She demands I respect HER. Why? My husband can't stand conflict; says no one cares about HIM.He acts like it's not that bad (her behavior) and when she finds someone else to hang out with she will. HUH? How can that happen, I ask. I wish I was dead sometimes. I HATE her sometimes. She steps all over me. Again, she doesn't see the problem. I'm talking EVERY WEEKEND, FRI- SUN AFTERNOON, NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR DO.Should I leave this "family" for good? It's not a family since one member only lives here 5 days a week! PLEASE HELP ME.

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Louise - posted on 04/23/2012

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I think you and your husband are to lenient on this girl and it has to be a joint decision to put your foot down and not just yours. I also think that this is a sexual relationship (sorry) but it is. There is no such thing as a platonic relationship where they are spending all free time together and sleeping in each others rooms. No this has gone further than that. She thinks she is in love with this guy and that is why she is shunning you for him. If this was not a sexual relationship this teenage fella would have a sting of girlfriends and she would of dated somebody else by now.

If your husband does not intend to side with you and bring her back into line, then leave. You can not deal with this alone anymore, it will destroy you. I can tell that you love your girl but teenage infatuation is a very strong pull and not a war you are going to win. Until this crush is over your daughter will not listen no matter what you say. It will finish one day and that is when you need to be there for your daughter to help her pick up the peices. Until then if you do not love your husband then leave and make a new life for yourself. Tell your daughter that you will always be there for her should she need you, and leave a phone number and an address so she can reach you at any time. Then go and make a new life for your self. Find a partner that loves you and will support you emotionally. Life is to short to be left battling everyday on your own. This way it will prompt your husband to grow a pair of balls and tackle his daughter that he has let lead this life.

Edith - posted on 04/26/2012

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I have a 16 year old daughter who 6 months pregnant and for her if she does not come in at curfew she knows I will not hessitate to call the cops and report her as a run away. If her friends are in my home, when they are not allowed to be, I will press trespassing charges. Sorry but I am going to tell you right now it will get worse but if you keep the faith you will prevail. It has been 8 months of trauma at my home but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember you are not alone and no matter what your daughter says, "It's your house, your rules, and your way". I am currently going through family preservation through CPS for family counseling, therapy, and parenting coach. My kids are 18 and 16. Who would have thought I would need a refresher course at this stage of parenting. Have you reached out to CPS yourself? Ask for help there, also check your area or city resource center for parenting classes. I am finding that it's what I say that changes the outcome of the talking or argument. I am a 37 year old working phlebotomist and thought I remembered being a teen enough to get though this. Yeah I am now realizing that it's Men are from Mars Women are from Venous and Teenagers are from Planet X. I mean really were we really this awful to our parents? And if so how did they let us live, or they themselves survive with smiles on their faces and still like us? Good luck to you both. Hope this helps some.

Vanessa - posted on 04/23/2012

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WOW! Let me first start off by saying that being 'best friends' with your child is ALWAYS A BAD IDEA. Being a mother comes first! Okay so you can't change the past but you can surely change today! Yes teenage infatuation is crazy scary and all the more reason to put your foot down! I agree with the other moms. YES SHE'S HAVING SEX!!!! How old is this little boy anyway? And don't rule out her doing drugs either. And yes lock her up in her room! Take out all of her clothes, ipods, tv, etc. Take away any cell phones, landline phones and anything she can hurt herself with. I'm sorry if that sounds extreme but your daughter has already exhibited extreme behavior. You can explain to her that if she leaves again without permission you'll report her as a runaway and they'll look for her at that butthead's house and the police will probably arrest him and his crackmom! But leaving is the last thing you should do but take your daughter with you! She needs her mother! And always will!

Tabitha - posted on 04/23/2012

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I'm sorry, this is going to sound so harsh...Who is the damn parent? Why did you allow this boy to sleep over even the first time, let alone to the point that he's practically living there? He shouldn't have even been allowed in her bedroom! You put your foot down, put the girl on lock down and regain control of your household!! She's not going to be happy about it, she's probably going to scream and complain but so what! She'll get use to it. Tell her when she's 18, she can "f" up her life if she wants but until then, she's stuck to you like glue!! Why are you allowing her to stay gone all weekend, at a boys house? And by the way, yes they're having sex! I can't believe you thought they were being honest about that! And why would YOU leave the family if you don't have your husband's support? If you care about your daughter, you'll stick around and clean this mess up before it's too late!! If dad gets in the way, boot him out but don't give up on your daughter!

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Ok, MOM! I've read a few of the posts and have to say, you need to get a tougher skin when she says/yells she hates you. Being friends with your children is an ideal, not a reality, when you are best friends they get the idea they can walk on you like they do their peers.

As for the sleeping platonically with him, um did you really think so????
I would really get her checked out, the colds and fainting point out a "crack" lifestyle. Take some hair from her hairbrush as a last resort and have it checked.

Being things have went so far, maybe having her removed from the entire situation until she wises up and until her father admits that there is a problem and he will face up is an option. Having the authorities step in for her safety is not a bad thing. She is not safe with what is going on now.

I won't comment on the past, we as mom's have all made mistakes and cannot change what has been but we can change now and move forward.

I'm very sorry for all of you. I am truly sorry that I come off sounding so harsh, I have never been in your situation (and don't wish to be) but I have made some parenting mistakes that I cannot change I can only correct.

I do not believe that your leaving will help the situation. She needs a heavy hand in her life NOW. You might as well be it. Too much time wasted now and you can count on visiting her in jail later.

Keep your chin up and move ahead one day at a time.

Jen - posted on 05/21/2012

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I realize it's too late for this, but I have to ask: Why on earth did you let her go there and spend the weekend for the very first time? At a home with a boy you disliked, a mother you had never met, and drug stuff going on? That was a huge mistake.

That said, I think what you have to do now is make it clear that she is not allowed to go to his home for the weekend. She's 16 and in school, you support her, this is your right. If she leaves against your will, you'll call the cops. I'd also agree with other posters that to believe she is NOT having sex at his house all weekend is very naive. It was one thing when they were at your house, but now you have no way of knowing. I'd be suspicious about drugs as well considering what his home and friends are supposedly like.

You are definitely suffering here, but I would NOT leave your daughter, or things will only get worse for her. You need to put your foot down with your husband. Make it clear that it's likely that she IS having sex and possibly doing drugs, and that he needs to stop taking her side on everything, or else he can get out. It sounds like you have a horrible situation on your hands - I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll be able to put your family back together.

Michelle - posted on 05/20/2012

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I disagree with the "being best friends with your daughter is a bad idea", my daughter is 19 and her and I have been BF's for a long time. BUT, I do not let her walk on me. MY HOUSE, MY RULES!! You need to seek counselling on your own, for you, you are going through a lot and need to talk to someone. It breaks my heart to hear a parent say they hate their child, or they want to die. And if this boy and his family are dealing or doing drugs, maybe it's time to turn them in.

Vicky - posted on 04/25/2012

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Donna i hope you will know soon what you need to do for yourself,i know you can't lock your daughter in as then you'd have children services on your back,which you don't need with everything your going through.I am wondering if you have tried to get any other kind of support beside therapy.Years ago when i had trouble with my older kids i asked children services for help and got lots of support on dealing with them,although with the restrictions us parents have these days i had to let my 2 leave our home as i have younger kids who needed me with them and not in hospital where i ended up from all the stress!I do agree with above suggestion that if your husband isn't helping at all then have him leave(yes i know it's easier said then done)

Allison - posted on 04/25/2012

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I feel for you. I am a step mom of a 15 yr old who runs the roost. And our hands are hypatheticly tied. I have been ready to give up for too long now and I just don't know what to do anymore. All I can say is for you to do what you need to do for you. You know your limit, and she has pushed you there and back, good luck to you. :)

Ebere - posted on 04/25/2012

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I'm sorry Donna..this is too much. Have you threatened to leave to their hearing before? This thing is destroying you.. If you know you can't lock her in or anything like that, maybe you should do a trial seperation or something like that..leave them numbers to reach you on and start a new life for yourself because the truth is this is something you can't win on your own and it could end up destroying you.. I don't know what the law is like over ther but can't you call the cops and report the boy and his family and friends? Surely if they go searching the house, they'll find drugs..can the cops help you forcefully bring your daughter back? Here in Nigeria we can do stuff like that.. Anyway whatever you decide to do, think about yourself..
Cheers ♥

Donna - posted on 04/25/2012

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I appreciate everyone's advice & wish it were all that easy. My daughter is very willful. She always has been. She thinks that she is an "adult" because she goes places by herself and works hard in school. Yes, she gets on the subway to go to this boy's house every weekend without fail, but other than that she's not so mature. She doesn't like to take buses because the restrictions are too confusing; she can't take a taxi by herself because she can't direct them & has trouble making change. But she can take that subway every weekend without fail. This past week, she told my husband that she got dizzy on the subway and fell down. I told her that because she got no rest on weekends she was always getting colds etc. She also comes home exhausted because she doesn't sleep well there. She, of course. got angry-- at me. My husband said "colds come from germs, not lack of sleep." He went on to say that he was already in college at 16 and never slept and never got sick. He always jumps in to take her side and she feels vindicated and it's two against one. I hate to think of her fainting on the subway. Why does she have to go on the subway every weekend to this boy's house, whether she is tired, has a cold, whatever? It's ridiculous. I know that he deals pot and his friends and him sit around talking about drugs; one was "growing his own cocaine", she told us. I told her that these people sounded like idiots; I knew the same type of boys when I was in high school & thought they were jerks. To me, those conversations are a waste of time and she could be spending her time in far better, more stimulating ways. Of course, she got angry and her father stuck up for her. Now, she come in to talk with him about SPORTS, something she has never had an interest in. She likes to watch gangster/mob movies because he does.This is all new. If I suggest a movie or book, she blows it off as boring, or dumb sounding. All of her influences come from her Daddy & Bruce (the stupid, pothead, loser boy). It's like two against one. When I told the family therapist that I felt like leaving, he told me that if I did then her life would truly be ruined. When I tell her things she doesn't like to hear, she says that I hate her. Her father never tells her anything but exactly what she wants to hear. Today, her math teacher was less than nice to her and she got very upset. She called her father on the way home from school telling him the whole story and of course he was sympathetic. She said that she started crying in class 'cause the guy ignored her and she demands an apology. My view was that when you are 17, crying isn't helpful and that the teacher will want to deal with her less, let alone apologize. In life,you will come across many situations that are unfair and do not go your way and you just have to deal with it. You can't cry at work or in grad school etc. She needed to develop a thicker skin and approach him in a more mature manner and start over. This is just life and she can't always cry and demand an apology cause someone in authority was "rude". She responded to this that I hate her and her father said that the teacher was really mean and why was I being such a bitch to her? Btw, she cries to manipulate people for years now; she never has done it to me because I don't respond. She didn't act this way in elementary school! Since she's teamed up with Bruce & Daddy this is her m.o. Now i'm wondering, am i being mean because I am so angry about the whole situation? Or do I have a point? Not to mention she'll be off to the boy's house Fri afternoon and will come home on Sun and there's nothing I can do about it. Thank god, I have to go out of town on some important family business so I won't have to watch it. I can't "lock her in". There are too many variables. She takes a college course on Sat. She does do a lot of school work and wants to go to college (although at this rate, how can she tear herself away from Bruce, if she can't go one day of one weekend w/out him? Except for math she is an excellent student. I know I (we) were too lenient before so I can't change that in a day; although I've been trying for at least a year now, that is why we finally consulted a therapist. I am really angry at her and her father but I can't call the cops, although I have thought about it. The last time bruce was here, before she started spending weekends there, I did threaten to call the cops if he didn't leave. I fully intended to do so. So he left and now she goes there. It's a rather complex situation at this point. My life, for what it's worth is a daily hell. I'm up all night thinking about this stuff. Thank God for this website. Any other suggestions? I cry too; silently into my pillow all night. My daughter really is a bitch to me but only says repeatedly that "I hate her." At this point I don't like her an awful lot or her father either. I am angry.

America3437 - posted on 04/23/2012

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She is only 16. Nail her windows shut fri why she at school, buy a pad lock and when she goes into get her stuff for the weekend....lock her little ass in! You are her mom and until she is 18, your responsiblity. Put your foot down!

Donna - posted on 04/23/2012

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Thank you Louise. Maybe you're right. Obviously I don't know what to do or I wouldn't be posting at 6:00am after not sleeping all night. Something outside the norm is definately going on, that's for sure and it is obviously obsessive infatuation. I've gotta think this through, as well as I can right now. I appreciate your thoughtful answer.

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