I've read all of these posts about rude, disrespectful teens. What did I do right...

Rebecca - posted on 11/06/2011

My children grew up mostly respectful, but they think the world owes them. They have a big wake up call ahead of them. One is 27 other 21

Tara - posted on 11/06/2011

I am with you on this...and congrats!! Everyone always thinks I'm not telling the truth when I say I don't have those "usual teen" problems. I simply just don't deal with them. I am a single mom of two teens and never tolerated nonsense. I taught my kids from day one.....good old respect, compassion, hard work, and the one missed by alot of teens...common sense!! We have a fun, no drama household. No fighting, no pouting, no...telling me...NO. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid enough to think that my kids could never.....but when I do check up on them...I find out, they don't! Oh how I love and respect them!!!

Rachel - posted on 11/01/2011

i always tell my children that school is your job right now, however if you don't show up or do well at your job. then you don't get paid or have benefits. in other-words poor school work and poor home jobs. no allowance and not extra school activities. worked like a charm on 3 of them my 18 y/o is not buying it..

Shawn - posted on 10/30/2011

Sherry,



I'm sorry but you need to take your bitterness elsewhere. There are plenty of groups and agencies who cater to parents of troubled teens. It's called At Risk. I had to take my child out of schools, after school programs, music programs etc and find him some where to be because he didn't fit into this category of being at risk just because he came from a single parent household. They ASSUMED he would be messed up and need services because I was his only parent. WRONG. Not only that you need to own your own ASSUMPTION that we aren't dealing with disabilies. My son has a bone disease and is physically disabled. He was in a hospital bed in my living room for two years and in a wheel chair they told him he would NEVER get out of. My son has had 6 major operations since aged 12 to correct this. His last one being in July just before he hit his college campus. He started college on crutches and a boot. Through it all my son has soared mentally and spiritually. He decided he was walking across the stage to graduate middle school with his friends he has known since Kindergarten. Through the pain, physical therapy and surgeries my kid kept up his grades. He graduated middle school with HONORS and Got through high school with a limp, surgery and pain everyday. He is a published poet and scholar despite his disabilities. And graduated High School with HONORS. So, with all that said I will not apologize for raising a courageous young man as a single mother who is now giving back as a mentor for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. Who just came home and told me he is a semi-finalist in another poetry contest and was just asked to be published again. Is in seminary and is Pre-med and finally decided his field of study will be Orthopedics to help other kids like his surgeon helped him. I have listened for years at parents complaining about their bad ass kids and frankly I'm sick of not being able to shout from the roof tops that my kid isn't a statistic. I raised a BRILLIANT BLACK MAN and I'm damn proud of it.

Ronda - posted on 10/27/2011

It is difficult to find parents who raise their child(ren) correctly. I have felt very blessed that my children are who they are. A lot of times, and I hate to say this, but our children are a reflection of us, the parents. We are their role models. So, if there is a problem, maybe we need to look in the mirror at times. Blessings to you and your family.

Rhonda - posted on 10/23/2011

Look if you can't see the value, move on. As stated, there are plenty of places for you to post and help. Maybe this one is not the place for you. There are parents that relate to where I'm coming from and I still stand on my comments.

Sherry - posted on 10/22/2011

First, you should re-read the title to this post. Second, you missed the part in my post when I list all my son's good qualities. Third, I was not "presuming" anything. I was merely pointing out that parents can do everything right, and their child can still go down the wrong road. My son has done many things that we are proud of and we tell him so. However, it is his glory and he should be the one that owns that pride. Making the positive more real is what will help these struggling parent. I value the negative messages, as there might be something that I can learn from their experiences. Are they bad parents because they have a difficult teen? I don't feel they are. I feel that they are concerned parents looking for support in a non-judgmental place.

Rhonda - posted on 10/22/2011

Sherry, it sounds like you are frustrated and need to vent and that's fine. But like Ramona said, you are being presumptous. My oldest is an under achiever and my youngest has ASD. Neither one of those facts have anything to do with the joy of parenting. Life throws us all curve balls, the art is in how you hit and that's what my community is about. I don't want to dwell on the negative, but rejoice on the positive. Are you telling me that your kids don't make you laugh or proud? Well, write about it. It feels so much better than griping about what they don't do. And I do have wonderful kids and I'm not ashamed to say it or feel bad for it. I will scream their praises from the mountain top because I work hard for it, they work hard for it. There are plenty of communities to complain in, there are none where you can come from a positive place, so I made one.

Ramona - posted on 10/22/2011

Sherry you are right to some extent, we have examples of kids who were underachievers in our own family. But, that does not change the fact that certain nuturing things help kids achieve. We are trying to encourage each other on what works instead of what did not. It is also quite presumtious of you to assume that no one here had a kid without some special needs.

Sherry - posted on 10/22/2011

Also. . ."only a few good moms left." REALLY?

Sherry - posted on 10/22/2011

Your post is interesting. Think about how the parents feel who are struggling with their teenagers. Teenagers, who are also behaving in a typical way regardless of how they are raised. All the wisdom is great when you have a child who is a perfectly normal child. No disabilities, physical or mental, and is born with their own personality, nature v. nurture.

I have a friend with 5 children. The 2 oldest are perfect, beautiful young ladies. They have been successful in everything they do. The same with the 2 youngest. What happened to the middle child? Why did he not turn out like his siblings? They grew up in the same home, had the same advantages, the same parents, etc. He was rebellious, disrespectful and did not do well in school. Why? He has depression and a few other disabilities that they didn't find out later on. Does that make them bad parents.

My son has had to deal with the stigma of epilepsy, scoliosis and a few other minor health issues. That changes a person. Although we have tried not to emphasize these disabilities, he internalizes them and knows his limitations. He is respectful, kind, caring, funny, etc. The problem is that he is an underachiever. We have led by example, etc. All those things that are mentioned here. So, why isn't our son like others? Why does he struggle in school and motivation? Before you say he needs to be tested, we have DONE extensive cognitive testing, and there is nothing wrong.

Forgive me for being bitter, but it doesn't make people feel good when they hear how wonderful your teenagers are, and your idea of starting your own community I think is just shoving it in our faces about how inadequate we are as parents.

Your wisdom is great, but let's face it, you were blessed with wonderful children. God only gives us what we can handle, so I guess he knew that I could handle a child with disabilities and limitations.

Maurita - posted on 10/21/2011

Thank you for this post When you say something follow through with it. Treat your children with respect they are human beings too. If you fall short apologize for your own bad behavior.
Great post. We home schooled our kids and they are very happy we did. No nose rings or tattoos!!

Donna - posted on 10/19/2011

well you should be proud that you raised such wonderful children

Karen - posted on 10/18/2011

Rhonda, we did have our moments during the tween years. I remember thinking, "If they are like this at ten, I dread the teens". But it got better instead of worse... never did get that bad. The worst part was their constant bickering with each other, but I learned to stop trying to intervene, and they eventually stopped, and they both lived through it! My only problem now is since they don't do any of the bad things most teens do, I find myself picking on the little things. Then I stop and remind myself how it could be, and how awesome they are, and how blessed I am.

Rhonda - posted on 10/18/2011

Karen, you have to be commended. I only have one girl and I've been worried about the teenage years with her. So far, she has been a true pleasure.Will that change the more as she enters deeper in the teenage years? I hope not, she's one of my closest friends too.

Rhonda - posted on 10/18/2011

Amen, Indya

Indya - posted on 10/18/2011

Genes, temperament and two parents on the same page makes a huge difference!

Karen - posted on 10/18/2011

I have really enjoyed reading these posts... I am a single mom of twin girls who will be turning 18 in a few months. They are Srs. in HS, and plan to head to college in the fall. They are amazing young women, and I am so proud of them. I am typing this with tears in my eyes, just because I get emotional whenever I talk about them. I believe trust and communication are key. I have always listened to them, and talked with them, not at them. As I have read here, they don't think I am perfect, because I always make sure to admit when I've been wrong, and they have told me how much they appreciate that. I have not tried to "make it through" the years. My goal has always been to raise happy, healthy, strong, independent young women... and apparently I have succeeded. People are always commenting on what good kids I have, and how lucky I am, and I agree. But it's nice to have a place to take credit for it without being judged as "conceited". I have to admit, though, I have been blessed that they have a great relationship with their dad and stepmom, and I am friends with both of them. Their dad and I decided early that we would never put each other down in front of the kids, and we haven't. I think part of the reason some people have so much trouble with their teenagers is that they resent hearing a parent put down the other parent. But it hasn't always been easy! Rhonda, I will look for your community; I would love to be a member!

Shawn - posted on 08/08/2011

Rhonda that is great and I'm in.

Rhonda - posted on 08/08/2011

Hi All, After reading some your great responses over the weekend, I decided to open a new community, called: Moms of Terrific Teenagers. Please join my community. It is designed to be a forum for moms to share positive stories about their teens, share parenting tips and support each other. Thanks for the inspiration.

Tiffany - posted on 08/08/2011

My daughter is off to university in the fall (actually 3 more weeks) and I am very proud of her. I am also going to miss her like crazy. I tell that to people and they look at me like I am crazy, I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I couldn't wait until my kids left home". That always bewildered me, why would you raise kids to be the kind of people you don't want to be around? Any how even though my son will be at home for another 3 years I will be dealing with some separation issues, would love to have some friends to talk to who understand cause they actually like their kids.

Tamara - posted on 08/07/2011

These are great points, I didn't always do these things however over time I learned and now I am with my teens and school aged kids.

One thing I have learned, is you may see them headed to fall/fail its best to gently guide away if they continue let them fall then teach them how to stand up and brush themselves off and get back on the right track, That way they learn themselves to clean their own messes.

I also learned that its a good idea to teach them to cook, clean, iron, sew, fix things and laundery. Boy or girl that way they don't venture off in to adulthood not knowing anything and depending on others.

Jurnee - posted on 08/07/2011

I hear ya! I have 2 adult children, both very succesful. My 18 yr old begins art/pastry school in the fall. I am not quite sure what I did right sometiimes. I'm a single mom, so I always stresed personal responsibility to them, and they saw that in me. I was also famously known for saying,"I dont care what any one elses mother lets them do." Of course we had out battles, but I rarely backed down. There are those times though when you have to rethink a rule and realize that your baby is growing up and maybe can be trusted with a bit more independance. Theres no magic number for that, and each child is different, I thnk that might be key, knowing your child well, knowing what they can and cannot handle, and being involved in whats going on in their lives, who their friends are. The greatest thing now is when my older kids say to me You did a great job and I always respected you, even when I didnt always like your rules. Im not sure if its what I did, or that I have been exceptionally blessed, but thankfully we came through the teenage years without too much drama. I am hoping I can repeat that with child # 4. Fingers crossed

Shawn - posted on 08/07/2011

I like you too Rhonda,

It's the first post I have interacted with this much. LOL. My son will be 40 minutes away at Geneva College. My son didn't want to be too far away because I found out I had cancer last year and I am actively in chemo. I wanted him far enough away so that he could start to live his life but close enough that if he needed to get home he could. This transition is going to be extra hard on both of us because of my illness. His main concern is me being alone and something happening to me while he's gone. My main focus after all the applications for school, grants, scholarships etc was to get him focused on school and not me. Being a freshman and being away from home is hard enough but his major is Pre-Med which is going to be demanding in and of itself. With the use of facebook, Skype and OooVoo hopefully we will communicate enough for both of us to make it through.

Rhonda - posted on 08/06/2011

I like you, Shawn Wright. You are definitely an exception to the current parenting rule. My first two kids are from my first marriage, which was filled with abuse in every sense of the word. I made some very poor decisions. I was 24 years old, probably old enough to make better decisions but didn't. I found out I was pregnant with kid #2, 1 month after I left him. Husband #2 came into my life when my daughter was 2 months old. I was very fortunate because I couldn't have done it on my own. I had no virtuous male role models. And I would have screwed this up royally by myself. My husband taught me what the role of a man was. I was the product of single parenting, I had no clue what to do with a boy. He saved us both.
Believe it or not, I went through the same thing even though I still had two other kids. Mike is my oldest, we've been together the longest and we are very close. I think neither of us could stand the idea of being far away from each so we agreed he would go to school locally. Hey, it's California, there's hundreds of schools, but he didn't get accepted to any of them. He got accepted to schools in Texas, Virginia, Oklahoma, and Louisiana. He first decided on Dillard University, Louisiana. In mid-admission, he decided he didn't want to go. I told him we had to put a plan together or he was going, so he did. He found a small, local art college where he can train doing exactly what he wanted to do, but he was going to have to move in with his father to go. But he will get a degree. Oh, boy... It's been a few months now and in the beginning I was a mess. But something great happened, he started calling almost everyday, just to say hi. Our relationship changed, but in a good way. It's not just, "I need", it's "Guess what I did today". I don't have a little boy anymore, he's a very interesting young man. I am enjoying getting to know him, without being concerned with his day to day needs. I guess we get so caught up in raising them that we forget that we are doing it so that they can leave. It's heartbreaking, but true. It's part of nature. So, let's continue to support and educate others.

Shawn - posted on 08/06/2011

Rhonda,



His father and I didn't plan to have him. I didn't want children. His father was in college and I was working and in college as well. We were engaged and got pregnant our first time having relations. After 5 years of our relationship and our son being 2 years old he decided he didn't want to be a husband and father and ended our engagement and up and left. I picked myself up and decided I didn't want my son being a statistic. I surrounded him with male role models and good people to help. This I can do it alone crap I hear is foolish and selfish. I was 21 when he came to the world and I knew I needed help. Parenting is hard with two in the house or alone but if you accept that you are human and will make mistakes you can raise great kids. Look at everyone on here who have beautiful children.



My son leaves for college on the 24th. I started a post to get help coping. He is my one and only child. I'm only going to be 39 and this empty nest syndrome as they call it is hitting me hard. He has always been independent. I let him do things and he is well traveled (he just got back from Costa Rica in April) as much as I believe I raised him well I am still going to miss him he isn't just my son he's my buddy and I always tell him even if you weren't my kid I'd like you.

Ramona - posted on 08/04/2011

I too have 2 great kids. My dd is entering her Senior year of HS and ds is going int 8th grade. I will say we tend to all follow the things that have been posted here so far. I will add trust your kids and raise the bar! Kids are smart and capable, but many parents molly coddle them and keep them tied close to home under the guise of safety. I think that kids will never learn to make a wise choice if parent's make all their choices for them.

Rhonda - posted on 08/04/2011

Thank you Shawn, you sound like a fantastic mom!!!! There aren't too many of us left, so we have to have each backs. (lol) It also sounds like that even though you may not have planned your son, you did plan how to raise him. I think that's where the disconnect with other parents start. When they were small I wrote down what kind of people I wanted at the end of this. I then started working on strategies to produce them. I wasn't always right, but like you said so well, I apologize, take responsibilty and fix what I messed up. My kids and I talk, but more importantly, I LISTEN. The food issue? I spend over $600 a month in food. It goes up to $800 during the summer. The biggest eater is the 11 year old. He can empty a refrigerator! I dread to see how much he can eat at 16 years old. I may need a second job just to feed him. lol Thank you for your input and your wisdom.

We just completed the financial portion of the college process. My oldest son starts college in two weeks. I have decided to use this site as a way to give as much insight about parenting I can.

Shawn - posted on 08/03/2011

I'm so glad you posted this because my son will be 18 next month. Graduated with honors and is off to college. I see all these posts and don't know what to say because I can't relate. I am a single parent with one child and we made it work because we had too. I don't know if it was just me being blessed with a good kid or me being the best parent I could but we didn't and DON'T have all this drama at our house. I treated my child like a PERSON. I am as he says HIS BEST FRIEND but I'm his MOMMA first and I laid down the law when I had to and rewarded him when he deserved it. I didn't lie to him about our dynamic. I'm not rich so he appreciated those gifts he earned early. There is no Santa. I'm Santa. The lights that run your PS3 cost money etc. Which in turn didn't have me getting temper tantrums when I said NO!!!!! He knew the value of a dollar and my hard work to get it and in turn did his job in school. I thank you so much for this because I joined a single mothers group years ago and they made fun of me and talked bad to me for 3 sessions because I had nothing bad to say about my child. The most I get ticked about with him is him eating all my food and only leaving a spit in the fridge. I guess at 6' 7" now he will do that. Bless you and yours there are good kids out here.



Oh I forgot the words of wisdom, LOL!



Teach your kids that you are not perfect you are HUMAN TOO! When you make a mistake fess up just like you expect your kids too. I did something to hurt my child and I apologized and people thought I lost my mind. No, I wanted him to know that I respected him enough to recognize my mistake and atone for it. It wasnt relenquishing power or showing weakness I wanted him to see the humbleness in the gester and the building of character. This is one of the reasons my son and I are so close. WE TALK. Not just at him but TO HIM. It works trust me it does. Your kids will tell you almost everything because they can trust you. We force our kids to earn our trust but trust goes both ways.



Oh another pearl of wisdom my son reminded me about trust. DO NOT TELL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS EVERYTIME YOUR CHILD SCREWS UP. Then you wonder why they don't tell you anything. (Think about it). If you had a friend that always told YOUR BUSINESS would you still talk to them?

Alisa - posted on 07/16/2011

I absolutely agree, In my house I have a 15yr old daughter, 13yr old son and 9 year old daughter and frankly they are far from perfect but they are great kids and I will take some of that credit because I do not tolerate any of that nonsense that I have read. Parenting is not an easy job but it is rewarding. Furthermore, your steps 1-4 is how I was brought up and Like you said We as parents need to lead by example. But You said it all and it makes me happy to see some parents out there with great parenting skills-(sorry but more parents need to be retaught-educated,,I am bafulled by what I see) One of my things that has kept them in line was to get them involved in sports- but of course they must be making the grade at school. Look I am tough but fair- and I always never sugar coat certain issues. (age appropriate of course) I am actually a proud mom of 3 great kids with a good head on their shoulders. Very Blessed

Shawnn - posted on 07/14/2011

Basically, the same as yours, dear!

JuLeah - posted on 07/11/2011

Good on ya! Write a book. It is a myth that all teens act like brats. In this culture we expect it, accept it, even encourage it, but the behaviors are all taught and learned ... nothing about being a teen that MAKES them rude, self entitled, bratty ...