I want to kick out my 17 year old!!!

Tina - posted on 06/04/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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My son dropped out of school about 5 weeks ago. He is not working or looking for a job. He sleeps all day and then when his friends get out of school he thinks its time to play. I try all day to wake him up and he acts like I'm not even there. I can't get him to do anything around the house even. I have 9 people in this house and it can be difficult some days with no help. I want to know as hard as it would be for me, should I kick him out? He doesn't drink or do drugs, he is a pretty good kid for the most part. Lately though he just has no motivation for anything. I am afraid, if I show him "tough love" will it send him down the wrong road or will he straighten up and be the man I know he can be! Help me please!!!

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Diana - posted on 10/02/2011

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hunny it could be alot worse believe me i have a unruly disrespectful thankful for nothing its always about him what he wants when he wants and how he wants and a mixture of drugs and alcohol along with lies on top of lies he lies about home life he lies about his past he lies about me and every one else int he house...it came to a point he got had a bit of trouble at a school dance and we had to go get him...i got yelled at from the cop for slightly raising my voice EMPOWERING THE KID even more oh ya it was a bad night..the cops told him he did nothing wrong yes thats right they told him he DID NOTHING WRONG...i to would like to know the maine laws on this but cant seemt o find any information some states say its abandoning your child...then u have other mom thats are like that is just APPALLING..well for those mothers i have a few words for you...DONT A JUDGE A MOTHER UNLESS U WALK A MILE IN HER SHOES.... EVER...no one will understand what we go threw unless they are in the home lookin and seeing what is going on and experiencing it first hand.. hun i wish you good luck...you might have to give him a little tough love tell him he needs to step it up a notch you need help and it would be greatly appreciated that he helped a little more..im a mom of five so we have 7 in our house so i understand about the needing the extra hands..if he is abusive to any one or any animal in the home you might have to say hit the road jack...BUT check ur local laws every state is differant..maine i dont know what the law is for maine on kicking child out but i sure want to know and soon mine is abusive to the cats and has been caught playing to rough with my 2 yr old my 14 yr old pinned him told him to knock it off if there is a next time i will have him removed by police and he wont be aloud to enter my home til he gets help

Tina - posted on 06/07/2010

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Thank you all for your input! He is looking at getting his GED but he has to hold a job for 6 mo first. There is a program here in Michigan that will pay for a trade school for him and for his GED but he has to prove that he is employable. My husband and I have told him that he has 2 weeks to find a job. I'm not saying I will kick him out on his back side but there will be changes. I really like the idea of taking things away from him! If he doesn't want to live by my rules or go to school then I will show him how hard life can really be. I also like the idea of showing him a reality check, taking him to a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Thank you again for all of your wonderful input!

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Diana - posted on 10/03/2011

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My eldest has meds does counseling he is currently burning bridges with alot of ppl... He feels he knows all that life on the out side is easy.. Runs away from problems as soon as they come up.. It quite frustrating he has always been a difficult child minus when he was an infant it started gettin rough when he was 2 yrs old and progressively got worse as time rolled... Thing have gotten taken away... He has been hospitalized more then once it seems at least twice a yr not to mention the point of going to Sweetser after hospital stays... Now pleAse don't feel like ur a failure by any means.. I'm glad I have friends and family that support me and constantly tell me none of this is my fault they have all seen personally how he is and are just bewildered on how and y he acts the way he acts he listens to NO ONE... The next time he takes a violent action police will be called an I will have him removed and I won't allow him to come back... He is abusive to cats and had a little bit of an issue with his 2 yr old brother the 14 yr old took care of it... There was an altercation between the 14 an 16 yr ( almost 17) he put him threw a window... Police should have been called then but we figure sibling rilverary.. We can't trust him in any way shape or form.. All the lies that come from his mouth it unbelievable he makes it so it suites his needs... I say u don't have it to badly but tell ur boy he needs to pitch in... It's only fair to u and the family and every little bit of help he gives would be appreciated...oh ya my 16 yr old sleeps all the time to and fortunately he found a friend that let's him go over so we get a bit of a break mentally from him.. Believe me we need it.

Jennifer - posted on 10/02/2011

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sometimes love means doing the hard thing....its not loving to enable negative or destructive behavior.Yo uare doing him a disservice by allowing him to be lazy and irresponsible. don't facilitate failure. He needs rules. no school or work, then he can't go out with friends or drive the family car and he will earn his way by helping with household chores. Maybe make counseling part of the condition for him living there without going to school.Is there an adult he respects that can discuss this with him? a pastor, a family friend, an uncle? sometimes they hear things from other people that they wont from us.
what is he interested in? does he have any hobbies or passions? can you find him a mentor or someone who he could apprentice with?

Jackie - posted on 06/09/2010

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I agree. However studies prove (I agree) that only the combination of therapy and meds are effective. My 16 yr old makes me want to throw her out. No motivation in school. Failed a course and now that I am making her attend summer school she has the nerve to tell me she was not going. I had it. I get that her father returned from Iraq w/ a severe brain injury. It has been 5 yrs since. Life is different and she must go on. Refuses therapy. However, I did make her go to school which was a physical ordeal. It was an important fight for me to win. So, yes therapy and make him go to school!

Kathy - posted on 06/09/2010

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Hard one. If this was my child, I would sit him down and lay down the law. Either go back to school or get GED, or time to get a job and get out. Three months to make a decision-either in school/GED program, or have a job and finding a place to go. If at the end of three months, he wasn't finishing his education, I would draw up 30-day eviction papers from the court and serving him along with the items he is not allowed to take from the house-ei television, car, etc.. At the end of the 30-days, he would be out with the understanding that I love him but I will not permit him to ruin his life while I sit by. My mother's main rule was that I graduate from high school. If I wanted out, I got my degree. If I dropped out, then I was out. She stood up on the important issues consistantly throughout my life and so I never pushed this issue. I have done the same with my children. They know education is number one in our house. Good luck and I am so sorry you have been put in such a hard place as a parent.

Darlene - posted on 06/09/2010

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Get him back in school, there is definitely something going on if he has quit school. Also, try seeking professional help as well, If that doesn't work try boot camp for teens.

Mathilda - posted on 06/08/2010

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He should be in school. A drop out! send him to military school so he don't laze around.

Fleurde-Lee - posted on 06/08/2010

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I am right there with you. I have called a counselor about my son. Your son may also be dealing with depression. I truly suggest you try going to your family physican and see what they say after a quick written test. also here is a link to possibly sit down with your son and go over. My son was in denial, then said he knows he has depression but can handle it without pills....sometimes they need the pills.
http://www.webmd.com/depression/default....

Terri - posted on 06/07/2010

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Where would he go if you kicked him out. Tough love is when you remove him from your home but you have a plan in place where he can go and be safe. 1st of all, why did you allow him to quit school? I fell for you but it sounds as if you have lost all control. If he is sleeping all day, could he be depressed? I think that you need to go to a professional for help. Set you son down and explain that he is NOT going to lay around and sleep all day. Give him a dead line on getting a job. Also, if he lived with me he would have to get his GED period. Make him set goals. After that I would encourage him to go to some kind of trade school or college. You are in control. Your house your rules. Get him some help!!!!!!

Audrey - posted on 06/07/2010

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Do not throw him out..that would be bad you said that he is a good kid so why punish him? you need to get him alone maybe go out for the day and talk to him.Let him know how you feel let him tell you how he feels.try to make him understand about school if he dosent want to go there are other options.He could do some sort of training some people just cant do school.Tell him that you are there when ever he may need a talk.Just dont give up...

Sharon - posted on 06/07/2010

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I have to agree with Louise, You have to put a time limit on it though. My son found himself out of work so to speak when his apprenticeship fell through last summer. My husband and I sat him down and told him he would not become a stay at home do nothing type. Gave him 3mths to find a college placement or a job, while he hunted he had daily chores to do whether he liked it or not, usually not hehe. but it worked and he was working within a matter of a few weeks.

Good luck, it will work, just be strong with him (oh and set a bedtime to, sounds silly with a 17yr old but it helps to get him up earlier in the morning)

Andrea - posted on 06/07/2010

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I agree with the taking away the possessions that you have bought for him. He will have to earn it back. Also you really need to find out from both him and his school as to why he has felt the need to leave school behind. Was he under pressure from fellow students to be something he was not comfortable with? Is bullying an issue? These are the sorts of things you can find out and maybe find him another school to go to, if he wishes to continue his education. Give him the option to discuss this with you and agree to some sort of compromise as to how to get your relationship back on track.

Good luck.

Sherri - posted on 06/06/2010

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The drop out age in my town just went to 18yrs of age. Thank heavens. That is not being a good kid that is being an irresponsible little punk. You can't really kick him out as you are still legally responsible for him until he is 18. However, I would start taking away everything in his room, including the bed if need be until he started getting his butt up to find a job. Also if he is not going to school he needs to be paying you rent. He will learn real quick the valuable lesson of an education then.

Tina - posted on 06/06/2010

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Sounds like a tough situation, for me I would of gave him the option of going back to school or continuing his education in Adult School to get his GED...dropping out completely is not an option. Both my girls know when they turn 18 they have to be either working or going to school to stay home. My mom gave me the same option and I left cause I didn't want to do either, but I tell you what I came crawling back 6months later when I realized it wasn't all that bad at home and I had it pretty easy with her. My mom also gave me a 6month limit. After that I was on my own. My mom are very close and she is my best friend now. I'm 39 with kids of my own and even though I thought she was wrong then I thank her all the time now. Do what you feel you have to do.

Georgette - posted on 06/06/2010

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Play time is totaly out of question. No work No play. School is VERY important now a days. Take him to the food stamp office- as a feild trip- so he can see consiquence of no education or people struggle but don't stop there next is Salvation army for people who need housing and thought never me,also thr soup kitchen,state hospital for people who were curious about drugs, did it ONE time and never mentally came back...you get the idea ^_^ it's called SCARE TACTIC.. Good luck and GOD Bless

Sharonda - posted on 06/06/2010

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he is 17 and you take care of him. this means he is in your house, he eats your food, he turns on your lights, he wash with your water, and i pretty sure he is wearing the clothes you bought him. you already said that things gets alittle difficult so why make it harder on yourself by taking care of a young ADULT who is not willing to take care of himself. now as a mother of a 21 year old, a17 year old, and a 11 year old i know putting them out the house will be hard to do becuse we DO care about their safety and well being, but you can cut them off. let him know there will be no more free rides, you have to find a CREATIVE way to show him that life is not free and we ALL have to pay to live comfortably as adults. and since he thinks that he is an adult, show him what being an adult really is. if he ask you for money say NO, if he has a tv in his room that you bought take it OUT. i don't know what all gose on in your household but you get where i'm going.....no more free rides. if you don't want to listen and help out then you don't get any help. HELP ME TO HELP YOU. go to school, that would help me out alot, clean around the house, that would help me out alot, get a job, that would help me out alot. but if you can't do any of that, then guess what i can't help you out either.....NO MORE FREE RIDES!

i hope everything work out for you and your family
GOD BLESS

Sue - posted on 06/06/2010

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no-one knows your child better than you, presumably, so how do you think he would react to being thrown out? I have 3 boys and I sent the eldest back to live with his dad when he was 16 and have regretted it ever since. He is now 25 and although I see him he is 200miles away and we can never mend that break.
My next one doesn't see eye to eye with his dad most of the time and he has been told to leave on a number of occasions but came back after a few days with an apology. This has not happened for some time, both have leant to bite their tongue more.
My youngest is 18 and we have various problems with him. Drink, smoking dope and dropping out of college. There have been terrible rows over it but he is now working for his dad and calmed down..he always said that if we threw him out then he would never come back. Who knows?
Do you think it would wake your lad up or make things worse? Can one of your other children talk to him? Have you tried talking to him and saying how you feel and ask what he wants to do with his life?

Sue

Lori - posted on 06/05/2010

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I am not in your shoes, and do not have sons (two daughters), so I am WAYYYYYY guessing here - but this sounds a great deal like 'make me' behavior, perhaps. You know, that whole, "I'm gonna do what I want, and if you don't like it, and you want me to change it, you're gonna have to 'make me'......."

He is being one way, and you are considering another way. Perhaps there is a THIRD way (or even a fourth way, LOL!).. Come up with a very convicted idea in your mind about what you want to have happen - you can't change things if you don't have a plan. You want him to go back to school? You want him to get a job? You want him to get the h*** out of your house? Pick one - first.

Then decide what realistic expectations would be for him to reach the end result that YOU want. And give him choices - it's his life, he can certainly choose A or B.

I get the whole fear thing - I live with it daily myself. But if you fear what he might do in response to an ultimatum, you are really being held emotionally hostage by your fear. Instead, give him a choice and make sure he understands the consequences and expectations of each choice. One of those choices might be having to move out of your home if he can't be a productive member inside it - but it's ultimately his choice. It's YOUR house - he is merely permitted to live there while he finishes growing up if he abides by the rules of your house, whatever those might be.

If my daughters did not agree with my rules, or did not respect my position enough to discuss alternatives that we might agree on, they would not live here. It would break my heart - but it is THEIR choice to make. Or not. Fortunately, so far they have both been reasonable and respectful enough to pretty much go with the flow.

If he needs help - for depression, or learning problems in school, or anything else - offer that. But he has to be the one to take the help and work toward improvement - or not. Maybe he lacks motivation because he can't see his way to walk ahead - might have to help him find some goals, but again, he has to do the work.

Can't tell you what to do - just sharing a perspective you might not have considered. Best of luck to you, and big prayers for your strength - it takes LOTS!!!!

Anne Marie - posted on 06/05/2010

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I agree with finding out why he dropped out of school and checking him for depression. I have two son's with depression and sleeping all the time can be an issue. My one son did not finish school but after a while of sitting down and doing nothing we got him volunteering. His self esteem came up but we are still looking to see what kinnd of work he want to do. In Winnipeg we have Winnipeg Harvest where he works and they are helping him to get a fork lift license. I should also mention my brother dropped out of school when we were kids. He eventually went back. I do agree with getting him to get a job and pay rent, he can help out around the house too he has to know that there is no free ride in life.

Joan - posted on 06/05/2010

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are you sure he is not using some substance ? to me it sounds like he may be and if not is he depressed?to have such a big change there has to be something going on. have you had him evaluated? did you talk to the school to see if they may have some info about him you don't?

Louise - posted on 06/05/2010

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Right then at 17 why did he drop out of school? I think I would of took action then by saying to him how are you going to support yourself if you drop out. What does he aim to do now? Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is not a free ride and if he wants to stay he has to pay his way. Tell him that whilst he is looking for work he will have to do the cleaning and house chores as payment. Tell him he either agrees or moves out, you mean what you say. After a week of cleaning up after 9 people he should be motivated enough to get off his backside and get a job. Tell him if he cant find a job he could always enlist in the army!

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