I wrongfully grounded my daughter, now she hates me. I feel so horrible. Please help.

Kristi - posted on 12/07/2012

Apparently you didn't read and/or understand the whole post and you are not a parent.

Jordan James - posted on 12/07/2012

wtf why did you do this

TQKMB - posted on 11/29/2012

i would not blame your daughter for hating you buy try talking and listen to her next time even if you think shes lieing.

Kat - posted on 06/20/2012

You know, kids do not come with an instruction manual and we do the best we can with the tools we have. You are human. I get that you made a big mistake, but really....buying her the best phone there is? Your husband to me should support you. Yes, you made a mistake, but we all make mistakes. If you did not love her, none of this would have happened. I think she needs to learn forgiveness. You apologized and she flipped you off????? That would not fly with me. I don't care how big your mistake is, her lack of respect to you is unacceptable. You are still her mother and you deserve basic respect. What you did was out of love and concern. It was not just some random punishment or just child abuse. I really don't see why you need to buy her the top of the line phone barring all cost. Phones are still privileges and not rights. Heck, we didn't even have cell phones a few short years ago. You have apologized, she needs to let it go and forgive you. And honestly, I don't think your relationship is damaged permanently....if you had a solid relationship before this, you will weather this storm. And you deserve a big hug....I am the mom to a 17 year old girl and this is the hardest years I have had so far. I have been told that we will survive so I hold on to that.

Kristi - posted on 06/15/2012

Easy girl...I'm still pretty new around here, too but I'm pretty sure calling/insinuating another mom's daughter a spoiled bitch is out of bounds. You're completely entitled to your opinion and are free to express it, however, at least in this case, there may have been a more tactful or gentler way to put it. I'm quite certain Denise wasn't worried that she ruined a friendship. She's worried, in fact, about their mother/daughter relationship because that is far more important, it should be a strong, loving, life long relationship and when you inadvertantly blow a hole the size of a cell phone through it, a responsible, loving mother will do what she deems necessary to patch that hole and prevent further damage. Denise is just asking for advice and moral support, which she needs more of from us because she is obviously not getting any support from her husband.



I do think you are trying to offer your support by giving Denise a "side" to stand on. Pointing out how truly unjust this all is so she'll stand up (with you) for herself against her daughter and husband. I totally get sticking up for the underdog. I'm Pro-Underdog. I'm just not so sure pointing out what a 'spoilt, bitchy, immature, brat of a daughter' she has is the best way to go about it. That being said, was also my opinion and I hope I didn't offend you. We all know the old saying about opinions and a-holes so I will leave it there and otherwise say welcome to CoM, it is awesome here, I hope you find it helpful and comforting.

Sam - posted on 06/14/2012

WTF? she is acting like a spoilt bitch... the fact that she is acting like a brat after you said sorry and explained proves she is not mature enough for a phone in the first place. And she doesn't deserve a new phone omg you made a mistake, who hasn't, you said sorry, SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP!!!!! It has not destroyed your relationship, your mother and daughter not friends,
NO NEW PHONE!!!!!!!!!! be strong,

Tina - posted on 05/27/2012

I like eat my crow warm so I would have told her how sorry I was immediately too. This is a great lesson for your daughter. No matter how old you are, your going to make mistakes. God forgives us every day for the things we do and never stops loving us. How many times has she messed up and you forgave her? You should be able to tell her your sorry, replace the phone, hug and it's behind you. I'm sure you explained why you over reacted with the way the world is, we need to keep a close eye on our sweet children. So hug & make up. Don't DON'T let her take advantage of you or make you feel guilty. Your a great mom :)

Rebecca - posted on 05/27/2012

I think you are being way to hard on yourself! Obviously, your daughter has given you reasons NOT to listen to her side before i.e. "I thought she would be lying". Yes, you were wrong, but, you are also human and this sounds like this is your first time raising a teen girl.

Buy her a phone, say your sorry (you make mistakes too), and tell her when she is ready you will be there AND go on! One way to teach kids how to forgive is to FORGIVE YOURSELF!

I have a 16 yo girl I know what I am talking about lol. Let me know if I can help!

Kristi - posted on 05/25/2012

Leslie,

That is some wonderful advice! What you said makes a lot of sense. I especially like your suggestions about showing her why the text and pic were so alarming instead of just telling her. I think that would definitely hit home more than having to listen to someone you are already mad at "make up excuses" for going postal, as my daughter calls it when I have an outburst. Heaven help me through these next 5 years and let me escape without an event like this happening but if it does, this will be the advice and wisdom I follow. I am very sorry that you had to go through that Leslie and that you are now experiencing the same thing Denise. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. But as a mom of a "newbbie" teen, I am grateful that you have shared and that this community is available for us to support one another. Blessings to you both.

Leslie - posted on 05/25/2012

I expect you will be getting lots of Moms replying to your post, so be sure and weigh the advise according to what you have personally seen to be true for you.

I did wrong my teenage daughter, and spent years trying to make it up to her. She is grown now, 20 years old, and still behaves in an entitled manner. After I took steps to repair things and make amends, in the end she never took any responsibility for the rift between us. In her mind, it was all my fault.

So, I recommend that before you get a counselor - because she will only see this as you putting someone in place that supports your side of things - figure out a way to talk it out.

That can only happen if she "can't leave" the conversation. Go out of town, to a park where you can walk and talk for 30 minutes or 2 hours (even if you aren't an athletic family). Getting away from the house where the drama happened, will give you some perspective from a distance. It will also give her some perspective, without being able to "slam doors", or call her friends and talk about you behind your back.

Make sure you cry it out, and be honest with your remorse and your emotions, or she'll never open up again. I thought I was being brave, and stoic by simply facing my errors, when in fact, the perception was that I was "cold and heartless"! I made the mistake of trying not to cry in the situation, and just deal with my own mistakes - but THAT was a mistake too!

And finally, find a way to show her (not tell her) why this was so alarming to you. Get films on human trafficking, films on pedophiles, go to a shelter, and talk to survivors of these kinds of crimes. Talk to the police about how much of this is happening around you, and possibly to girls that she knows. It won't justify that you jumped to conclusions on this one, but it might enlighten her a bit, so she can come around to understanding that you took your actions based on a very real urge to protect her - and not just simply a "mistrust" of her.

She needs to KNOW that you love her - and a new cell phone is transient. True love transcends.

Kristi - posted on 05/24/2012

I agree with many of the other moms in many ways. I understand your guilt, I often feel guilty for reasons much smaller than this when I feel Iike I'm not a good mom. But, in this case, I think you reacted as most moms would and slightly less agressive as most dads would had they picked up the phone. That is terrifing & the rest of us can only imagine what you went through. You can't woulda, shoulda, coulda, yourself. It is ineffective and only causes more stress. You need to focus on what you can do now. The letter is a great idea, just a side note, make extra copies...she's bound to rip up a few! Give her some time. If things don't start to get back to normal then maybe the counseling would be a good idea also. As perviously stated by others, don't buy her. She won't really trust you and she will take advantage of you. Definitely replace the phone, but top of the line doesn't seem necessary to me either. You can only apologize so many times. You are human. You are a mother protecting her child. You made a mistake. We are allowed to do that. Hang in there. Be strong!

Sally - posted on 05/24/2012

I so agree with talking to your husband. I would love to have seen how he would have behaved if he thought some bloke was messing with his baby.

Cherie - posted on 05/24/2012

You apologized. I think that the idea of writing a heartfelt letter concerning how much you love her and want to keep her safe is a great one. Then you just have to give it time for the dust to settle. Buy her a new phone like the one you destroyed or minor upgrade, but you need only replace what was destroyed not try to buy her affections. Give her time to get over her indignity and she'll come around. She is kind of holding you as an emotional hostage and if allowed to do so it could really affect how the two of you react to each other. She will forgive you once she calms down and thinks about how much you love her and want to protect her.
Now, about your husband. Take that conversation for a walk outside the house. Talk to him. Ask him how he would have reacted seeing this come over your daughters phone. He may not have yelled at your daughter but he probably would have hunted the man down and beat him within an inch of his life. So he needs to lay off of you, and support your relationship with your daughter. I'm sure he could talk to your daughter and explain that where as your reaction was extreme, parents who love there kids will take a bullet for them or lock them up in bubble wrap to protect them.
This is a learning experience for your family as well as any who have read this post on what lengths we as moms will go to protect our families, even if it's from themselves. Stay strong, be patient and let her come to you. She will.
p.s. Don't buy her with extra fancy gifts. Keep it real because money cheapens relationships.

Sally - posted on 05/24/2012

Try writing her a heart felt letter to begin. Explain how scared you were. Let know you were wrong not to let her explain and how very much you love her. Then give her time to read it on her own. Hopefully she will get passed her anger and hurt. Then the two of you can talk,build bridges. Don't be to hard on yourself ,you are a human and even parents mess up sometimes.

Sharon - posted on 05/23/2012

As mom's we tend to panic when our babies are in danger. Should'ves could'ves would'ves will not change what happened.
Forgiveness will come in time. Do you really want to "buy" her forgiveness. A trust was broken and brand new top-of-the-line cell phone will not hurry the forgiveness process, especially in a teenage girl.
As far as her dad goes, would he really have remained calm and cool in the situation? Or would he have went off half-cocked as well. Once we/he hears the whole story and isn't the one in the middle of it (yourself) it is easy to say "If I had been the one . . . " None of us knows what we would have done given the same situation.
True your relationship is damaged, but then, as she grows and matures she will find that sometimes even she will make a bad judgement call and have to apologize for it, and sometimes it will be recieved and forgiven and sometimes not, but that is all a part of life.

Lift the grounding, put her room back in order, get her another cell phone and restore the peace. Don't expect her to jump up and down and love you tonight, but in time it will come.

Personally, the demands of your husband, her father, concern me. Again I say, buying her forgiveness will not work. Replacing the cell phone is okay but no need for overkill.

If it had been your phone and your husband (God forbid) had picked it up, what would he have done? Went and got a glass of milk? If your daughter had picked it up would she have gone about her history homework? If your husband had picked up your daughter phone when you did he is in effect saying he would have changed the channel to the golf channel and went for a snack. I really think not. I truly believe that no one would have went for the "Hmm, what is this approach"

You care and you are protecting your daughter. NEVER feel guilty about that.

Just some things to think about

Brittney - posted on 05/23/2012

I think you need to let her know how scared and upset you were and why. The thought of some pedophile hurting her made you panic and over react like any parent would. This could have been avoided as you explained in your post, but it wasn't. No use in what if'ing yourself to death. I think with the new phone and giving her a clear understanding that the anger and over reaction was out of fear and love and you obviously love her so much, then she will come around. Also a side note: if this was for real and you were right then everything you did would have been totally justified and your a bad ass. Good luck, you are a good loving caring mother, just remember that.

Shawnn - posted on 05/23/2012

Wow. Even I, the queen of temper tantrums in some of my dealings with my kids have ALWAYS let them tell their side of the story.

Now I know why.

Michelle - posted on 05/23/2012

The phone is a start but I think the two of you should probably do some family counseling to work through this as then a third person who is impartial can help you to mend fences. Be patient it is going to take awhile she trusted you and you broke her trust by jumping to conclusions.