Is it ok to feel like I hate my 18yr old son??

Heather - posted on 04/25/2013

16 years I raised him by myself . Put everything before him ... Now he wants to move in with his abusive drug addict father. Broke my heart , wasted all theses years loving him, for nothing. No love in return. I'm so sad. I gave birth and raised a child that now will never exist to me, he's gone.

Stasia - posted on 03/07/2013

I am glad to see I'm not the only one, thank you, Ladies. My son is 19 and for the past 2 years has been driving me and my husband insane, almost literally. We've spent a fortune on medical bills, repair bills, car replacements, attorneys, I don't know where it will end. I only pray it will end soon and well. Hang in there, it must get better. Our saving grace and spot of peace was having him move into a relatives home; he does not disrespect them as he does here, and it seems to be working for now. We have also arranged for him to finish school online, which he has devoted about 3 minutes per day to finishing, but slow progress is still progress.
Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know I'm not the only one. Here's to love and light into our lives and homes as often as possible!!!

Mike - posted on 03/04/2013

Kick him out.

Cristina - posted on 01/14/2013

Easy: When he asks you for anything, bring up a list of dates and times when he was a jerk and bring out the scroll: "Hear Ye, Hear Ye" haha Don;t let it get to you.

Option #2: "Sonny, I feel that it is time for you to spread your wings in this world. You get your own place, pay half and I'll match the other half on rent and bills. Booze, partying and food is your responsibility".

Don;t be a bit## about it, just simple and to the point, with a grin on your face to let him know "I am Head Bit## around here, not you" ;)

Linda - posted on 01/13/2013

I too, have an 18 year old that has just driven me to my wits end. My problems with him have been going on for four years and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. He's verbally abusive, has hit and busted holes in the walls, doors, cracked windows.....all from throwing temper fits. Hes never been able to keep a job longer than a couple weeks, has lied to me, stolen money from me, he has stolen my things to sell, and has sold pretty much anything of value I have ever given him. He moved out of my house when he turned 18, but continues to constantly do whatever he can to get money from me. He will make up very dramatic lies to get money and if I don't give it to him , its another huge temper fit, with slamming doors and horrible name calling. I have called the police, I put him in a psych facility for a week, and he has done a short stay in juvenile detention. He threatens suicide when he doesn't get his way. I'm a single mother and don't have any family support, other than his older brothers. I hate to keep going to them for help with my 18 year old because I know his behavior upsets them and they have their own lives to live. I've tried counseling, law enforcement and mental health with absolutely no resolution to this problem. I can't imagine having to deal with this for years to come.

Carol - posted on 11/20/2012

I just read your post...I am feeling the same. My situation is a bit different but in the end, I have a 20 year old, entitled, arrogant man, living in my house. I am going crazy!!! I know I spoiled him but this is ridiculous!!

His behavior is all because I left his very abusive father and have made a new life for myself.



I love him but HATE his behavior!!!! I can't wait for him to move out and that makes me feel guilty??!!!



I now have a man (my son) living in MY house treating me like shit!! And for some reason, I can't stand up to him???!!!!!!



...so frustrated !

Zelda - posted on 10/27/2012

I've just joined Circle of Mums and have been reading the comments above and have realised that I am not alone in feeling that I hate my 17-year old son's behaviour though most of the time if actually feels as though it's him I'm hating.

I am posting some background below to give an idea of my position but also because it may be of help to any others who are going through a similar situation and have left home because of a teenager’s behaviour. Am I the only one?

I also have a 6-year old daughter. It has become too stressful for years at home - with me feeling my hear race when I hear him move around the house and my breathing rate rise. I now have to drive my son to college as there is no bus route nearby and no financial help available where we live for accommodation. We spend 9 hours in the car each week to college on three days per week. We sit in silence as does my daughter in the back seat – it is a long drive to school – an hour and a half each way. He sits beside me with his arms folded – for 9 hours a week. It is exhausting.

Financially we (my husband and me) cannot support him to rent somewhere. It feels as though I am simply trapped. Jobs are so scarce here that it is almost impossible to find work. I have asked him to spend spare time asking for work but he lies to me about it, spending most of the time on Facebook, whining about me it seems despite his having caused me to move out of my home. I asked him to write out a list of the things I wanted him to stuck to as part of the bargain for his staying at home. He produced something that cited Human Rights laws etc! Most unlike him - he must have had help drafting that. But he intimidated me with that and i realised that he would not respect any of the things that matter to me. So a bilateral agreement would be pretty pointless. However I have just not had ht energy to challenge it.

I can’t sit in the same room as him - I creep round the house listening for when he has left the kitchen.

I have told him to leave several times but am not sure whether I have to look after him legally till he is 18 – so I am counting the days till his 18th birthday. I also feel guilt for having these feeling of course.

Got to the stage now where I have moved out with my daughter into a caravan (trailer) it's rather nice and best of all, peaceful - with no shouting. I feel that this is the best option for my own sanity and my daughter's but feel deprived of my home. My son and husband are now there together.

Although my husband technically supports me, he will not keep a united front and stick to agreements about our son. So of course my son exploits that, idolising his father – mainly I think as a advice to contrast with his basement-level opinion of me. I cannot seem to move to any kid of position now to show that I am the parent and in charge – because I am certainly not in charge and in fact I have run away if only 10 miles.

My relationship with my husband has essentially broken down as well due to the stress of life with my son. I just don’t feel I have the energy to keep trying to have a marriage – it has just taken a back seat ad there seems no point in it now anyway. Just more stress and yet more compromising. I’m so tired with it all. So my son has won and I have no fight left. My husband also wants my son to leave home and is so desperate that he is considering using money we don’t have to rent him a flat. I feel that this will place us in more financial hardship – so, in fact, I am feeling resentful if my son should have it all his way and the rest of us have less to manage on – we have no holiday, don’t or smoke or can ever even buy a coffee or go out to eat – ever - because we can only manage to survive as it is and to keep our heads above water.

I can’t find work (nearing 50 in a supremely ageist employment market) and within the high demand by many womenr of finding work between school hours. Even some kind of work from the caravan during evening and weekend - self- employ,ment or study - or something I have not yet formulated in my mind - might be some kind of way out. So I am reluctantly reliant on what my husband earns ( intermittent days of work here and there) to support my daughter. I live it the UK with it’s Big Society politics if that might help to make sense of any of this. I’m now forced to give serious thought considering going to a women’s refuge now as they may provide a rood without the huge costs of running and heating caravan ad without the awful other option of having to move back home to the continual stress ad hiding from my son in one room with my daughter.

To my knowledge, my son is now telling his friends that I have moved out until he leaves and many very esentially nasty comments about me - and these are only the couple I know about. The agreement he wrote included my request that he not lie or speak badly of the family to others. He has now broken this part of the agreement but the sanctions are ignored by him. He does feel a sense of entitlement and that, despite my having left home and therefore his life is easier, he still finds it within himself to speak badly of me. I am at my wits end and cannot seem to do anything more to reduce the tension and to protect my daughter from my son’s manipulation - teaching her to swear etc for some kind of weird satisfaction.

I have felt isolated about this – so it has been helpful to read the comments about. I have outspoken to others about this situation except to a friend who allows me to do a weekly wash and bathing session. The trailer park closes in November for one month and so I have almost no time left to find a solution or friends willing to lend us their sofa for a month. –It’s completely crazy.

Ha anyone else actually left home because of the intolerable stress caused in their life and to their other children, by their teenage? Feels as though I’m the only one.



Apologies if this seems to be a enormous whine!

Lizzielucas - posted on 07/25/2012

show him a birthing video, that will gain some respect, also be firm tell him if hes rude you will throw him out

Jayne - posted on 07/25/2012

I can only share my own experience. When my daughter was 17 and is now 25 we could not even be in the same room, I sought out family therapy. During one of the sessions I asked the therapist the same question you are asking yourself. She replied no we do not have to like them, but we must always love them. That my feelings of hatred were justified because of her actions and choice of words. From that point on it made sense. Today we are still trying to build a relationship but I still do not always like her or her choices but I will always love her!

Debbie - posted on 07/24/2012

I have been through this, with 2 sons. I didn't actually hate them, but what they were doing. Now I am raising the oldest son's daughter, she is 12, starting to go into puberty and the aliens have come to take away her personality! I am seeking mental health for her as her mother is bi-polar and so is her maternal grandmother, and so was her maternal great grandmother. It may just be normal behavior for a child her age, but I don't think so. She is slapping herself in the face when she gets upset, says it makes her feel better. She has had to deal with alot for a child, a mother who was sometimes abusive, with terrible mood swings, and even had to sleep in a closet and eat cat food to survive. So I am not surprised that she has problems. When I first got custody of her, at age 6, I got her into counseling and they said she was fine, but she definately isn't now. She has alot of self loathing going on and feels no one understands her. She is very close to me, though and considers me her savior. says she'd be dead or in foster care if not for me. Both my sons had drug problems, both have stopped and are putting their lives together. But they have done alot of damage to their kids. My youngest son's kids don't trust him and won't talk to him. The one I have does talk to her dad, but they haven't spent much time together, he lives in a different state. If I have learned one thing from raising them it is don't do too much for them. They need to learn responsibility. We can't always fix everything for them, sometimes they must fall on their faces to learn.

Linda - posted on 07/22/2012

Mine fraudulently used my credit cards to purchase fake money for a computer game. Took more money so I had him put on probation. High IQ but just recently let grades drop. Took to count first time and he didn't like that I told counselor that I searched his room for drugs because of all the issues. He did not want him to have the wrong idea. In counseling now with his dad taking him and he goes in by himself. Does not want anyone with him. His dad lets him sleep everyday till noon and says that is ok to sleep till noon in the summer. He has no job and no chores.i just told him I hate him too! I can not take his lip and will never trust him again. Took computer away when I caught him in a lie and will not give it back because I said no more lies. Husband wants to know when he can have i grass is not always greener. I am thankful that he is here but not who he is or what he has made me be. Many count the days till they leave for college. I never thought I would be like that, but it maybe a solution if he does not fail out!

Kari - posted on 06/24/2012

I did that and finally did call the cops and had mine in for a three day evaluation. A lot of good that did - he thought it was a joke and got nothing but a 3 day vacation out of it.

Kari - posted on 06/24/2012

The past 3 years since my son turned 13 have been a nightmare! He was the most affectionate, helpful, cooperative and loving child and has turned into a totally self-centered, verbally and emotionally abusive young man. I am at my wits end how this happened and can only chalk it up to the almighty testosterone. My stress level is beyond!!!! I have had him removed from my home and that had no impact. He continues to get in my face, ignore me and do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He is a bully. I am considering emancipating him because I just cannot stand to be around him. He is not nice and he just does not care about me unless I can do something for him. If he was 18 I would rent an apartment and either pack his belongings, change the locks and put him out or move myself! I have had it and I don't deserve it at all. Love has nothing to do with this. He is very disciplined at school and capable of having a brilliant future but is so perpetually full of anger and hostility he can only self destruct if he does not choose to change. I am afraid of the day coming when he loses it and harms me.

Jackie - posted on 05/14/2012

It's totally normal! It's Mother Nature allowing you all to disconnect so he can start his new life. Sometimes it is easy to allow this process to take place when you are very busy. I happen to sell real estate and my Son has tossed some real bombs my way, but I find it nice to go to work and forget about the drama a 17 year old brings to my life! Have you ever thought about getting licensed to sell real estate...it will take your mind off of him, I guarantee it! ;-) Jackie buff5448@aol.com

Karen - posted on 05/13/2012

Yeah, read the responses below. I too am a single mother who has raised my son to the best of my ability with love, respect and nurturance. He is frustrating me terribly. He, until recently, seemed like a considerate, strong, kind-hearted individual but now he is just a total ass and I am sick of him. I have continued to do thoughtful things for him.... show interest, give him space, welcome his friends, buy him gifts for special occasions, and provide him with financial support while he goes to school and works part time. In return, I get no help around the house unless I "give" him something, an empty refridgerator every two days, garbage all over, lights left on when he leaves the house, piles of his dirty dishes.... and he thinks he's the man. Today, Mother's day, he gave me a five dollar gift, no card and said "merry christmas". Really? Thanks buddy, f - yourself. He acted like it was a big freaking deal to go get some lunch (me buying of course) and when I wanted to get some new clothes he came up to me with a stack of clothes he wanted. Out of the blue, he's lost all sense of gratitude and consideration and I feel I want him out! Problem, his dad is a bi-polar, former-addict child perve and I don't want him to go there for support. I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I called the crisis clinic and they said he is a big boy now and I should stop letting him drain me and let him worry about his own issues. I know I have been overprotective because of his father mentioned earlier. I love him, I don't think this is the authentic him. I wrote him a letter saying that I hoped that he would work on being a better person so he didn't look back on these years with regret. I also said it would be bad parenting of me to let him continue on this path of disrespect and entitlement. I am hating him big time and now that he is out of the house for awhile I am dreading having to look at his smart-ass face again. Obviously I am terribly annoyed and probably sound like a terrible mother.

Terrie - posted on 03/26/2012

I too have an 18 year old who is living with my sister and headed now to live with my best friend because he dont want to get out and provide for himself. He has always been a great kid, until here recently I have told him that if he dont work and provide for himself ( he isn't in school) I am cutting off his phone. He says many parents still "take care of their 18 year old kids" of course but those kids are getting straight A's in college!!! thats what I told him. I would say kick his butt out if he dont play by your rules! Its our house and we pay the bills!

Janie - posted on 07/07/2011

Rita
I know how you feel. I feel for you because you are a single parent. I have a husband and he allows my older sons to treat me with disrespect. they are 27,20.
I'm going to actually go to a psychiatrist for help with this. I have been a mother for 27 years. I also have a 12 yr old. I tired of the disrespect, but I understand that you feel overwhelmed. i think we both need to take a step back and realize they are children. It is painful though when your own child is disrespectful. i will read your advice and see how others responded. good luck. - Janie

Ramona - posted on 04/10/2011

He is a legal adult. Have him sign a lease agreement. It does not have to be for cash, but for chores, being respectful etc.. Let him know that he is a legal adult and that he bound by this agreement. Let him know exactly what you expect from him and what you will do on your end.

Christina - posted on 04/10/2011

He's 18yrs old. Kick him out! Tell him he will either be respectful and follow the household rules or move out. Tough love may be the way to go here. He will realize really quickly that life is hard and mom's house and rules weren't so bad.

Annette - posted on 04/09/2011

my daughter and i have fought like cats and dogs for pretty much 17 years.. she is going to be 19. When she turned 18 she thought that becasue she was an adult she can do what she wants when she wants to....so we had a conversation.. it started out nice, didnt end well.. but, i told her the house rules.. no sex in my house ever, (unless she is married), no smoking, no drugs, no drinking, she would have a cerfew of 12 on the weekdays and 1 on the weekends.. and if it was passed that time she shouldnt bother coming home.. she would also have to have a job and help out with some bills around the house. well needless to say a month after she turned 18 she moved out. she has moved at least 6 times since then. she is not living the life i want for her but, she has never asked me for anyhelp.. so let her sow her wild oats while she doesnt have any kids one day she will wake up.. her quality of life has been reduced since she dropped out of college.. but it is her life. she knows if she needs to come back home the rules remain the same and i am here for her... some kids need tough love.

Kelli - posted on 04/07/2011

threaten to kick him out if he doesnt listen and if he starts to fight with you call the cops

Alexandra - posted on 02/24/2011

I left home at 18...in some ways it was the best thing I ever did, but my family was still treating me like I was 10 and needed to be told everything. They refused to see me as an adult. Do you treat him like a little kid or an adult? Because that could be part of why he is being mouthy.



He isn't a child anymore. Try asking him, instead of demanding and telling. He has grown up, and he has the right to say no, even if you don't like it.



You probably didn't agree with everything your parents said at that age either.



The truth is, your child or not, you have to give respect to get it. He hasn't quite figured that out yet, so set the example for him. Ask yourself: Do you respect him as a person? An individual? Not just as your child?



You can choose to view him as disrespectful, or choose to realize he is exercising his independence and voicing his own opinions, just like you did at his age.



If he wants to be an adult, let him be. He can move out. He will grow up and him not being there will help you to learn to let him go, and view him as an adult.

Karen - posted on 02/24/2011

dont do 1 think for him, let him realise what you do for him. When he asks why he doesnt have a clean shirt or why he has no dinner. Thats when you quietly and camly tell him he will get no respect from you untill he learns to respect you. Ask him how he can disrespect someone that gave him life and cared and loved him unconditionally.

Shirlena - posted on 02/23/2011

My Son was doing the same thing My Son is 14 teen years old and I put him in Shadow Mountain to get help for what he was doing!!



My Son is now 15 Years Old and back home had to put him juvee for a while because he was hitting me!! He is now prob~ and is doing well for now sometimes he gets out of line!! And I don't like him somtimes but I do Love Him A lot!! But he has to know who is the BOSS!!!

Louise - posted on 02/22/2011

I think we all go through this stage at some point, before my son left for uni we were arguing all of the time and we both really needed out own space. Now he has moved out for uni we have a great relationship. It seems that all those things we rowed about were not important but at the time they seemed very stressful. I am just hoping that we can maintain the loving relationship we have now when he comes home for three months for the holidays!

My other son is nearly 17 and I am getting to the same point with him. He spends lots of time tucked away in his room if he is not working and when he emerges he makes such a mess around the house dropping food wrapers all around the house, leaving food out of the fridge, dropping shoes and coats up and down the stairs and worst of all his room is a pit, freshly ironed clothes all over the floor still on their hangers! He makes me so angry i spend more time cleaning up after him than my 2 year old. It just seems every time we spend time together it is for telling him off or asking him to clean up his own mess. This relationship is very strained, but I can't say I hate him because I don't I love him dearly. It is the attitude of I don't care and sheer laziness I hate.

Nikki - posted on 02/21/2011

Hi Rita - I wish you all the strength right now. I am experiencing the same thing with my 18 year old who seems to have utterly given up on anything he was taught and insists on defying the rules, neglecting his chores and being disrespectful and even aggressive when confronted on any of these issues. I have gone for 'life coaching' myself to enable me to handle the issue calmly and in his best interest. He has therefore been given one last chance to get his act together. I am in the process of finding him a male life coach to help him deal with his anger and aggression (or whatever it is he no longer chooses to discuss with us) and if there is no change in attitude within the next three months, he will have to find himself alternative living arrangements. I've done the best I could and now it is up to him - stay firm - stay open - and remember to love yourself first or we will have nothing to pass on

Rita - posted on 02/21/2011

thank you mom's for your advice. i will definatley try what you have all suggested...wish me luck.... :)

Shawnn - posted on 02/21/2011

First, you need to sit him down in a neutral setting, and look at him like an adult, and say to him "Son, I LOVE YOU, but I do not like you right now. You are not a good person, you are not the person I've been trying to help you become, and I am ashamed of your actions towards myself and others." Then you need to look at your options. He's 18. He is a legal adult, and he does have the option to not live under your roof. If he has become so disrespectful and demanding, you have every right to tell himself to remove himself from your home. Again, stress that you love him, but you can no longer tolerate the disrespect that he is exhibiting, nor can you allow him to continue to exhibit this behavior in front of others. The toughest part is sticking to your guns once you put your foot down. If he decides moving out is the option, you DO NOT help him get a place to live. You can help him move, but it's HIS responsibility to take care of his finances and business. If he thinks he's "billy bad-ass" and doesn't need to respect you or your rules, then honey, he's old enough to enter the "school of hard knocks".

Like any kid, he's going to push the limit. You need to stop him in his tracks. However, it's going to be tough, and you need to be ready.

Hang in there, honey, because you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.

KELLIKAYZ - posted on 02/20/2011

SWEETIE I FEEL YOUR PAIN. WE DON'T HATE THEM, WE HATE THEIR ACTIONS AT THE TIME. MY SON IS 18 AND HAS BEGUN MOUTHING OFF A LITTLE HERE AND THERE. I HAVE TO WALK AWAY AND COOL OFF OR WE WOULD GO AT IT I KNOW BECAUSE WE KNOW WHAT BUTTONS TO PUSH ON ONE ANOTHER. I GIVE HIM THE COLD SHOULDER WHEN HE HAS AN ATTITUDE AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT HE CANNOT STAND THAT, HE COMES AROUND LIKE A LITTLE BOY AND GIVES ME A BIG HUG BECAUSE HE FEELS SO BADLY. I HOPE THIS HELPS......IT WILL GET BETTER

Julie - posted on 02/20/2011

yes you are allowed to feel like you hate him. it is an awful feeling to love your child but hate them all at the same time and can be upsetting for you. you need to sit him down and tell him that if needs to help out around the house and garden and that you will not tolerate the disrespect and bad attitude any more. if he doesnt like it he knows where the door is. have you tried to talk to his father and see if he can have a word with him. if he does choose to leave then help him find somewhere and to make it nice and let him know he is always welcome back and that you love him but he has to leave the attitude at the door and not bring it into your home any more. difficult to do and say i know but if all else fails tough love is the key. i told my son that one day and now he may be pissed and in a mood but he will at least do the chore i asked him to do . teenagers are horrible people at times but they do grow up eventualy some just need a little nudge in the right direction