Is it ok to feel like I hate my 18yr old son??

Rita - posted on 02/20/2011 ( 62 moms have responded )

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I am a single parent to an 18 yr old son who has an attitude like he is the head of the household.
And then of course the DISRESPECT- you tell him to do something and the answer is NO. Hes' more than willing to start arguments with me..... so frustrated!!!!
I love my child but enough is enough....

I need some advice, can anyone help me?

frustrated...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Karen - posted on 12/12/2013

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We too have an 18-year old son that we love, but hate his behaviour. He is naturally smart, away at 1st year Uni, but because of his sense of entitlement, he's incredibly lazy. He'll never make it through 4 years. To say he's disrespectful to his dad and I is an understatement. We hide the true level of it when we can. He's actually worse now than before he went, if that's even possible! When he's gone, my husband & I have almost no stress. It's true what they say, ignorance is bliss. We are so excited when he comes home...but that lasts about 3 minutes, then we can't wait for him to go back. He has loser friends here and he's the only one away at school. He smokes pot, as do his friends, and makes no bones a about it...he's above any rules. He thinks their lives are great, sit at home playing Xbox, getting stoned. But, I hope for great things for him...he's bright & can be very charismatic. We'd really like him to leave, but he's my son, and I'm so worried that he'll go down the slippery slope and get himself into trouble that will follow him forever. We feel like we are hostage here. He's verbally abusive and he goes from zero to over-the-top in a nano second. How can he ever be in a relationship? I worry for his future. He is blameless in every single situation. It's not looking too good. Yes, he has been spoiled, so we created him to be this way, I suppose. But our 20-year old daughter isn't this way at all. She's at Uni too and loves to be home. She works hard, and worries about consequences. We keep waiting for his lightbulb moment. Hopefully, he gets there on his own, and not when it's too late. We don't know how much more of this we can take. Anyway, not sure where we go from here. All paths seem to head nowhere.

Kari - posted on 06/24/2012

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The past 3 years since my son turned 13 have been a nightmare! He was the most affectionate, helpful, cooperative and loving child and has turned into a totally self-centered, verbally and emotionally abusive young man. I am at my wits end how this happened and can only chalk it up to the almighty testosterone. My stress level is beyond!!!! I have had him removed from my home and that had no impact. He continues to get in my face, ignore me and do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He is a bully. I am considering emancipating him because I just cannot stand to be around him. He is not nice and he just does not care about me unless I can do something for him. If he was 18 I would rent an apartment and either pack his belongings, change the locks and put him out or move myself! I have had it and I don't deserve it at all. Love has nothing to do with this. He is very disciplined at school and capable of having a brilliant future but is so perpetually full of anger and hostility he can only self destruct if he does not choose to change. I am afraid of the day coming when he loses it and harms me.

Nancy - posted on 01/16/2014

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I am so glad I found this site. My son is 18 and for the last three years we have dealt with obnoxious, rude, major disrespect, entitlement, yelling, bullying, cursing, never answering his phone when I call ( I pay for the phone). He does not have the money for a car, and nor do I. He says he is saving for one, but he spends money constantly. He is living in his room, he has a computer and xbox. I pay for the cable and internet. he does not pay a thing, after work, he works with is girlfriend at a store in the mall, they come to the house about 3pm and each take showers, eat the food, have sex in his room, and then calls or texts me and expects me to take her home. He expects me to drive him to and from work when I can, and anywhere he needs to go. I tell him, he has to get a car, he has to get an apartment and it always leads to a huge screaming match...he cannot understand why I can't do these things for him, after all I am his Mother. He places a huge guilt trip on me and leaves me upset, and living life in my room and not feeling in control of my home, happiness. I am stressed the minute I see him. We do not have a family life where we sit and talk, the last time we sat and talked to any degree, was at least two years ago. He tells me to leave him alone, stay out of his business, yet he expects all of this from me. It is ruining my every day life, I want to foreclose on the house and run away.

Grapevine - posted on 08/21/2013

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Can't stand my 16 soon to be 17 and haven't gotten any peace since he was 8 son either. He beat the case for stabbing my father by self defense by dragging our family name thru the mud and making me out to be evil mother. They had no idea the real abuse verbally emotionally and physically came from him. I've gotten where I don't speak on it anymore because I always feel I have to convince people. You just wouldn't believe it except to see it with your own eyes. But before it was all said and done with he manipulated me enough that I thought I had abused him and was responsible for all this. I had done everything I could to SAVE him including leaving my job, relocating and starting new. The first couple of months were going to be just he and I on summer vacation. I sponsored him and his friends on vacations. But he just couldn't act right. I tried all the zen, Erkert Tolle, release your ego, religion, count to ten, psychology, setting boundaries. You name it, I've read it, practiced it. Anything to everything and in the end he wouldn't do NOTHING I suggested or told him to do. He's manipulative and the final straw was he lost his temper and kicked my ass last week. He dislocated my jaw, popped a breast implant, bruised and bloodied me. I came home three days later and greeted him with a kiss but inside it was finally time to get out. He was so cruel this time and no it wasn't the first, second or third. I just got tired of always going to court over it. So I asked my father to tell him it was time for him to move on. The relief was immediate. There's something wrong with him and always has been. I wish I'd never brought him into this world. I love him yes. But I'm afraid I have had a terrible life with him and now I fear for his eventual demise and having to live with that the rest of my life.

Shawnn - posted on 02/21/2011

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First, you need to sit him down in a neutral setting, and look at him like an adult, and say to him "Son, I LOVE YOU, but I do not like you right now. You are not a good person, you are not the person I've been trying to help you become, and I am ashamed of your actions towards myself and others." Then you need to look at your options. He's 18. He is a legal adult, and he does have the option to not live under your roof. If he has become so disrespectful and demanding, you have every right to tell himself to remove himself from your home. Again, stress that you love him, but you can no longer tolerate the disrespect that he is exhibiting, nor can you allow him to continue to exhibit this behavior in front of others. The toughest part is sticking to your guns once you put your foot down. If he decides moving out is the option, you DO NOT help him get a place to live. You can help him move, but it's HIS responsibility to take care of his finances and business. If he thinks he's "billy bad-ass" and doesn't need to respect you or your rules, then honey, he's old enough to enter the "school of hard knocks".

Like any kid, he's going to push the limit. You need to stop him in his tracks. However, it's going to be tough, and you need to be ready.

Hang in there, honey, because you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.

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Rachel - posted on 07/17/2014

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Shawn 01/16/2014
We did that too.....but it didn't take. Just because it worked out for you, doesn't mean every other teen thinks as yours did. I have two daughters who have and are turning out wonderfully. It is our son who is not. He was raised the same as the girls. Chores, opportunities, taught responsibility.....all the tough things to teach that good parents do. He is spitting in our faces now, blaming us for every little thing and big thing that goes wrong, pot, and overall trouble. Until you have been through it, you don't know. In fact, I probably thought just like you..... Until I started living it with our 18 year old son. Now I don't judge, because it is so awful not knowing what went wrong. Parents of kids like this go over and over and over in their brains what happened. Sometimes, there is no answer.

Rachel - posted on 07/17/2014

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Karen, it is like you described my son .....exactly. With one major exception. My son DID get caught with pot and charged with possession. Even after that, we still fight him hard on the pot thing because he thinks he should be allowed to do pot....it's no big deal, ya know, ugh! It's ridiculous. We eventually told him if he chooses pot, he chooses to leave. He has stayed in a shelter a couple of times, sneaks into his girlfriends window, etc. He always came back saying he would stop pot, but never did or does. We don't want him here anymore. I have an older and a younger daughter. They are doing fantastic in their lives. They are everything anyone would want in daughters. My son, however makes me feel I have failed as a parent. How could he turn out so poorly when we tried so hard while raising him. I used to think my husband and I were wonderful parents. But with our son like this, I cannot begin to explain how terrible I feel about myself. Something must have gone wrong? The fights in our house now - simply awful. Never thought I would feel this way or be living this way.
We have told him to leave, go make his own way in the world. He just whines about how he wants to get the f#!? out of here, but he can't. He has no money, blah blah, blah. My oldest daughter thinks he will just find more trouble and then be our problem again. He is facing a possession charge and another charge now that holds jail time if convicted. My husband says if he goes to jail he will no longer be our problem. It all hurts so so so bad! I don't really know how to go forward from this terrible spot we find ourselves in. Kick him to a park bench? Then what? There's no joy in living with him gone, knowing that this would be how it turned out with him. Yet our son has already stolen every ounce of joy and sanity we have. How do we recover ending it with utter failure like that? My husband says he is patiently waiting for me to come to that conclusion on my own, he sees no other way.
I know how this must read. And trust me, two years ago when all the trouble started, I would have scoffed and wondered how anyone could not see what to do in a situation like this. It is so different living it, when I never could have predicted it happening to us.

Cathy - posted on 07/10/2014

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I know how it is ,I have a 17 year old,He is always criticizing me,It really irritates but I think he does it to annoy me so I can give in but I'm not going to.They think because they are old enough that they can control everything and disrespect..There is this show on cable called My Dysfunctial family.I don't remember what channel it's on,It's on Saturday at about 9:00 pm .He helps families .You can go on his website and tell him your situation so he can help,Good Luck

Carrie - posted on 07/07/2014

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Tabetha:

>She is very disrespectful, lazy, yells in my face, calls me names, punches me and the last we had an argument before she went to her dad's she bit me.

I wonder where she took that from.

How about you show a little bit of respect towards her before you expect the same from her?

Tabetha - posted on 07/03/2014

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I am so glad I found this site as it does help somewhat but I am at a loss of what to do. I know we are all hurting but we don't deserve this.

My husband passed last year. This was my daughters step father but the one who has raised her for most of her life. I have a daughter that turned 14 in April. She is very disrespectful, lazy, yells in my face, calls me names, punches me and the last we had an argument before she went to her dad's she bit me. She now says she wants to move in with her dad and never wants to come home. She fights constantly with her 6 year old brother and to make things worse, she has been on facebook with a friend talking about me and wanting me dead. I lost my husband and now I feel like I lost my daughter. It hurts so incredibly bad. She has always been a mama's girl. She wont talk to me or want anything to do with me unless it is for her. If we are going somewhere, then she is all happy and compliant. If I ask her a simple thing as just putting her dirty clothes in the laundry, it is the end of the world. Her dad doesn't want her there for long as he has no control over her and she does whatever she wants. He lets her as it is easier to let her be lazy and do what she wants rather than fight with her. But she still wants nothing to do with her dad either. She has started cutting herself again and I can't even trust her with razors that are used for shaving. If you look at her wrong or ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, then she turns it around to make her the victim and makes me sound like I am the worst mom in the world. I need some advice cause I am so alone right now I don't know what to do.

Diana - posted on 06/29/2014

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I recently found this site. My son is becoming the very things all you ladies have described. But I would like to hear from a MAN the best way to handle this as I am a single mom. Thanks~

Meg - posted on 06/24/2014

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wow! out of sheer desperation i googled for any help i can get and I really found a goldmine here. cant talk to family, they would calmly explain to me all my bad decisions because they are oh so perfect (in utterly deep denial)
living through it all now, the personality of my 17 year old that I do not recognise. i thought it must be pot, as he admit to smoking it. lying on the lounge complaining that there's no food,while the fridge has plenty of stuff. or complaining abotut some other stupid thing. when i show him what's to eat in (i mean, on last occasion there was a full prepared lamb roast with veggies from the day before that i explained to him its there before i went out for 1 hour) the fridge he feels stupid and blames me for that too. i really cant stand this person that he's become.
I dont know where he is at the moment, staying with friends, living with friends, i dont know, he blocked my mobile with no warning or explanation.
One minute i feel intense pain, next minute i think about how bad he constantly makes me feel and am glad he is not here.
Life is so peaceful without that pest that he's become, but at it also hurts bad that i cant even talk to him. having worked my ass off for this person for so long...
it's so unfair!!!!!!!!!!

G - posted on 05/24/2014

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OMG...my son is 21 and he is alllll the above, plus drug abuse. i have put him out a few times!! just recently let him come back. he is more respectful but NOTHING else has changed...i want to pull my hair out, sell the house, and run down street screaming as fast and as far as i can get. i am miserable, and he is oblivious. i want to tell him to leave, but then i think, i really hate for anyone else to have to deal with him. im afraid of him going out and stealing some strangers things. and im afraid of something bad as well happening to him. WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO???? i told him this time if i have to put him out again, i will block his number board up my doors and he will be homeless hungry and alone!! i have offered help he doesnt need it (according to him)...i truly feel for you all and myself. i do love him, but its hard finding it anymore.(the love)

Tracy - posted on 04/09/2014

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Shawnn, thank you for that helpful bit of info. I hadn't thought to do that. I will follow up on the Army info and let you know how it goes. Thanks for listening.

Shawnn - posted on 04/09/2014

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Tracy, your currency is the Army. They DO require decent grades, as well as good score on ASVAB tests.

AND, if he cannot show respect to his 'superior officer' in the home, how does he think he'll do when he's got his Drill Sgt yelling in his face for 10-12 weeks of basic? If he doesn't want to keep his room clean (for example) how's he going to keep his rack in the barracks? He won't HAVE personal space there.

Beat him to the punch. Get the recruiting info from the Army, and start drilling him. He wants to join the Army, that takes a special person. One who can follow orders without question, one who will not be insubordinate to his superior officers...see where this is headed?

Good luck

Tracy - posted on 04/08/2014

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My 16 years old son tells me he doesn't need me and to stop babying him. He says he doesn't need to get good grades because he is going to join the Army and he will not conform to what others expect of him. He's smart and I want what's best for him, but he constantly disrespects me and puts me down. Someone please help. I'm lost.

Jayne - posted on 02/01/2014

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My 18 year old lies to me all the time, he's been " going on walks " but returns with booze goes into his room and gets drunk by himself. I overhear him on the phone so sweet to his girlfriend, telling her " she deserves it" a valentine gift from him, and all. Then moments later he's up lying to me about wanting to " walk to the store for ice tea" and needs money for it, when I called him out on his lie, and said " are you going to get booze" he called me a " controlling bi@ch" I tell him he's a bad liar and don't call me a bi@ch because I caught him lying. I remind him that who ever is buying him booze can go to jail for it, he gets mad, I tell him I don't want him drunk in my house, he says to mind my own business. It's like he's got two personalities or something the one personality is he's civil only when he want something then when I ask him what's up, I'm a bi@ch! He eats all my groceries then yells at me that it's my fault he's fat. I literally have to run to the store for every meal, or hide my meals in the garage, or out side ( thank goodness it's cold outside good refrigeration) He wants a job, so he's too lazy to apply for his own employment, so I spend my little bit of free time applying online for jobs ( I work 12 hours per day) to support us as I'm single and only one income.... still I have no life, I work all the time, clean house in my free time and apply for jobs for him. Tonight he said "it's your fault I haven't gotten a job yet because you never told me I had to follow up after the interview" I worry about him because he listens to really terrible music, it's dark and depressing, and he plays violent video games, and one time I overheard him telling his GF he'd like to " knock my head off" I hate it when he's in these moods! I feel like a I've aged a thousand years, he is so mean to me calls a fat pig, every rotten name you can imagine, says I'm a looser, he projects all his crap on me, I know exactly how he feels about himself because he projects it onto me. He's learned if he gets angry and hits the walls or ruins my stuff I'll back of and stop nagging, so even if I try to confront him about moving in with his dad, or any subject he doesn't like, he'll break something of mine. I cry when it's something sentimental or something i really love. I have thought of just selling my house, and taking the money and moving to the south pacific and not telling him where I've gone. Most days I wake up not knowing if we're mad at each other or not... it's very much like living with my ex husband all over again, just when the divorce was final and things cooled down, my 2 sons grew into teenagers and behave just like their dad all over again. Thank god he's got a gf now, there is some motivation to move out with her I'm not saying a word to her about what an ass hole he is, my mother in law with held that info from me about her rotten kid, so I'll pass along the tradition... I can't wait till he moves out! I've been applying for jobs like crazy for him.... Gawd someone hire him and get him out of my hair!

Shawnn - posted on 01/16/2014

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Nancy, your kid is an adult. If you're not charging him room and board, and for his phone and internet use, you need to start YESTERDAY.

This is not rocket science, ladies, we are parents. We are also homeowners, and landlords. If your adult children cannot see past the ends of their noses, you need to point the way to them, and start teaching some responsibility.

My 19 YO paid his way (by his OWN CHOICE, may I add) from the day he turned 18 until he moved into his own flat. He knew better than to be a demanding little ass, he has the respect for both his parents, and his home to make it important to him to contribute to the household expenses he was helping to cause. I didn't do anything drastic, either, except teach him responsibility, and have expectations of him to fulfill his responsibilities from the time he was 2 years old.

Donnahelen - posted on 01/14/2014

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i feel like i wrote this in my sleep. This is exactly my son. EXACTLY when you find out the answer please please let me know

Pam - posted on 12/22/2013

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My 17 yr old son has been sick for a couple of years. We believe there is an underlying medical problem but it presents as psychiatric. he can not function he isolates doesn't care about brushing teeth or showers. he got psychotic and went to the hospital. He becomes aggressive and withdraws. so close to finishing high school. it is really depressing and feels hopeless. we keep trying to help or find answers to what happened. I dont know what our future will be. It is such a waste and so sad. Thanks for all the open sharing on this site. Better to not feel alone.

Beatrice - posted on 12/12/2013

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Its okay, and they all can be cocky little sodds some times, unless you live with supernanny, as she would of chucked him out the house by now!

Yes both my older brothers did that from age 14 to 23 years old, if your asking, DONT ASK! Its like saying to them "please can you do the washing up?" As the word please is where you went a bit soft. As you are probably a great and fantastic mother, when they get all bossy and cocky and acting like he is head of the house its hard to get them out of it!

So have you tried taking away money, any privileges? Do you give him jobs to do every day? Now try to do that, and try to go on strike. Dont let him know. just leave him, dont do ANYTHING for him! Soon it will be all cool for him, but until hes hungry or wants money, dont give him anything, this may anger him, but not too much, say you have lost your wallet, and dont let him ask anyone else for money. Soon he will realise that he is a mess, forcing him to do things for himself, you have got to shout, show him that you can throw a chair too, and show him that he cant push you around!

Please try this, as it worked much better on my brothers as me and my mum also dad decided to do this, and even though they might still have cocky times, they will still behave, and if they have been good for a week, dont let down your gaurd! Dont give him money, dont make his bed! Be strong i know you can do it! You have just got to believe in your self, and family and mainly him!

Kirsten - posted on 11/03/2013

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I feel for you, ( e-hug) is he able or mabey are you able to be the bad guy and stick to a plan that if things dont change, you Harsh put him out, it won't be long before the greener grass is not so fablous and see your value. My 19 year old daughter is the same she is mean and nasty to me and her little brother, just a nasty ill tempred all the time. She is in school works but thats her money, grandma just got her a 2008 car, new Iphone,nort face jacket and tuition, i pay her car & health insurance, backpacks. I love her but she calked me the B word, bipolar, psyco etc. Spends 90% time at her boyfriends house, i feel used and abused. Is your son scary to you in any way?

Darla - posted on 11/02/2013

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My child is16yrs old he physically and mentally abuses me. He mentally abuses his father. The only thing about his father is that he is always trying to keep the peace in the house so he's always giving him chances. He always trying to hurt my little ones or he's always threatening them by telling them he's going to stab them in the eye when they are asleep. He tells them so much stuff that I have them sleep with me. We gone through threapy he's seen a psych dr and as even been admitted to the psych ward. But no one believes me or his father. My father in law has been manipulated by him that every time we see him the day ends up with an arguement. He skips school, smokes weed, drinks alcohol. Then we have to pay the fines and are on probation cuz of hin. Instead of him taking responsibility. I hate him so much cuz he says he doesn't need us anymore. So be it when get into trouble don't be calling me anymore to get you out of it. My husband is upset with me cuz I am letting him go and live with his grandpa with power of attorney papers so he can finally see what we go through and be responsible for everything he does wrong.

Colleen - posted on 10/09/2013

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There has to be a way to get him out of your life until he grows up.
stealing is strange behavior. he has mental health issues and won't get better unitl he is forced to be his own person. it sometimes takes years. All you can do it make your life the bewst it can be day to day and stop being co-dependent. You can't be happy becuase he has stolen from you? You can't be happy because he turned out to be a lazy mean spirited shit? Let him know you are done. If he is old enough escort him out the door and then work on doing nice things for yourself. Don't look to him for anything. Look to your self and be free. There is nothing else you really can do anyway.

Colleen - posted on 10/09/2013

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Sounds like my seventeen year old. It is very difficult but you need to stand your ground. Refuse to finance him while he is disrespectful. Make him leave. Get on with your life without him and hope he comes around someday but don't hold your breath. Some people hate their parents forever because they don't want to take responsibility for their own failings. Sometimes it just is what it is. It's sad but you have to find the good in life without him. Your only other choice is to let him make you miserable which is quite pointless. There is just a point in time when you have to let them go. Some need to go sooner than others. Try not to take it personally. Many teenagers have very little empathy and are very narcissistic. Many are scared and take it out on their mother's. If he sees he can hurt you he will. don't let him hurt you any more! Be your own person and trust in god that what ever will be will be.

NICOLE - posted on 08/22/2013

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Write up a contract that he follows your rules. Im getting ready to do this for my 19 year old who doesnt plan on returning to college. Specify your rules, example, lights
off after 1:00am or sooner. Re: electricity bills. Wash his dishes, clean up after himself. ect... have him sign it. Stress that he will be taken to court if he does not follow thru and do it to get him out of the house. Write up the consequences in the contract such as moving out. Include that someone will help remove/ escort him out and he will them he forced to find an alternative place. See atherapist as you go thru this if you cam. You are right Enough is enough. Never yell. Keep your voice calm and visualize that this is a temporary situation. Tell him what you expect. Choose words carefully because after the second sentence ears on boys/men go deaf. Say what you want only not what you don't want. Research on internet how to get/launch your adult son out of the house. Are you in New YOrk City by the way. Looking for support start-up group. Best wishes Don't give up. Let him know your are concerned about him becoming independent. Ask what his goals. Work on a timeline together on reaching the goals, Make the job section available daily. Is there anyone in the relatives that he likes talking to or highly respects that can talk to him about employment/ life skillls? Nikki

Gail - posted on 08/21/2013

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Grapevine, I'm so sorry for the horror and pain you've endured at the hands of your son. I am very, very proud of you for having the courage to put your physical safety and emotional health first. I pray that you remain strong and encouraged for your future. Make time to heal yourself, forgive yourself and love yourself. God bless you.

Gail - posted on 08/20/2013

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I just got home with my 20 y.o. son and I was boiling mad. Googled 'feel like I hate my 20 yo son and it brought me here. My son has been abusing drugs and alcohol since he was at least 15. He's been in and kicked out of more rehab centers than I can count. He's been in and out of juvie and now county jail. He's been living with his dad and when his dad finally had enough he's come to me. Understand that he's an adult and doesn't want to follow my rules, makes fun of me and my home, feels entitled to things that I've worked hard for..... and of course he has no job, no job skills. I try to pick my battles but I'm getting tired of leaving my own home just to get some peace! I work on setting boundaries, explaining my thoughts and rationale for my house rules. It does not matter - he just does what he wants. I came home a couple of days ago with the stove on with a pan on top. He had no idea how long it'd been there and didn't move from the couch when I asked him to turn it off. I'm at my wits end. The kid has some talent and smarts but he's too lazy to put in the work to achieve anything. I don't want him on the streets but I can't take much more of this crap. Thanks for listening.

Merrie Lee - posted on 08/17/2013

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Having had a rough 2 years with my daughter (almost 15 now), and am a single mom, I think the best thing that happened was finding her a therapist she really liked. She's on #2 with whom she immediately clicked with (she said they couldn't stop talking which is rare for my daughter). I have seem some improvement just with this therapist alone but still have a way to go. Her therapist told me that since we'd been close (a good thing), she now has to revolt/push away even harder. Adding to everything was the fact she'd been sexually assaulted by an older boy a couple of years ago at age 12. (I had NO idea) and will need to heal from that. Also, I think being the only parent, we get 100% of the teenage "backlash" instead of our 50% "share". Went to multiple psychiatrists who were completely worthless even tho all 3 came recommended. Found a naturapath who has been able to explain some of the issues (emotional, adrenal overload, etc.) and provide solutions (herbals, alternative medications), I highly suggest that. Psychiatrists just guess or label what's going on and then give drugs - this naturapath did tests (like saliva/urine) to determine what her body was doing chemically and address that. Much better than "she needs therapy".

Elexcyus - posted on 08/12/2013

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Yes it's ok to feel whatever way u feel ... I think u might be asking cuz ur feeling guilty but I don't think u need to feel guilty about hating ur son right now... I just got into a BIGGGGG argument with my 17 year old son about 2 hours ago and he packed his 'bags' and said he's moving in with his girlfriend ... Cuz he doesn't need me... HAHAHAHAHA so I let him go and for a good while I felt HATE for him... But then I realized I was just hurt .. Cuz man I carried him and gave birth to him and loved and feed that LITTLE SHIT FACE for 17 years and he thinks he doesn't need me... :D so I say go ahead hate him ... Oh and remind him that HE's 18 and by law u DON'T have to let him live with u ANYMORE ... Try to remember that there only 17 & 18 and DON'T get it yet. Maybe one day in like 5 to 7 years they might.... And take comfort that at least by the time ur other lil man is 18 u'll be A PRO :D

Melinda - posted on 08/12/2013

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I just asked my mom the same question and she said it is normal to feel that way. I no longer want my 18 yr old at my home. I am a single mom and have a 5 yr old and I do not want him to see us like this. my son makes fun of me because i am a christian

Heather - posted on 04/25/2013

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16 years I raised him by myself . Put everything before him ... Now he wants to move in with his abusive drug addict father. Broke my heart , wasted all theses years loving him, for nothing. No love in return. I'm so sad. I gave birth and raised a child that now will never exist to me, he's gone.

Stasia - posted on 03/07/2013

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I am glad to see I'm not the only one, thank you, Ladies. My son is 19 and for the past 2 years has been driving me and my husband insane, almost literally. We've spent a fortune on medical bills, repair bills, car replacements, attorneys, I don't know where it will end. I only pray it will end soon and well. Hang in there, it must get better. Our saving grace and spot of peace was having him move into a relatives home; he does not disrespect them as he does here, and it seems to be working for now. We have also arranged for him to finish school online, which he has devoted about 3 minutes per day to finishing, but slow progress is still progress.
Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know I'm not the only one. Here's to love and light into our lives and homes as often as possible!!!

Cristina - posted on 01/14/2013

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Easy: When he asks you for anything, bring up a list of dates and times when he was a jerk and bring out the scroll: "Hear Ye, Hear Ye" haha Don;t let it get to you.

Option #2: "Sonny, I feel that it is time for you to spread your wings in this world. You get your own place, pay half and I'll match the other half on rent and bills. Booze, partying and food is your responsibility".

Don;t be a bit## about it, just simple and to the point, with a grin on your face to let him know "I am Head Bit## around here, not you" ;)

Linda - posted on 01/13/2013

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I too, have an 18 year old that has just driven me to my wits end. My problems with him have been going on for four years and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. He's verbally abusive, has hit and busted holes in the walls, doors, cracked windows.....all from throwing temper fits. Hes never been able to keep a job longer than a couple weeks, has lied to me, stolen money from me, he has stolen my things to sell, and has sold pretty much anything of value I have ever given him. He moved out of my house when he turned 18, but continues to constantly do whatever he can to get money from me. He will make up very dramatic lies to get money and if I don't give it to him , its another huge temper fit, with slamming doors and horrible name calling. I have called the police, I put him in a psych facility for a week, and he has done a short stay in juvenile detention. He threatens suicide when he doesn't get his way. I'm a single mother and don't have any family support, other than his older brothers. I hate to keep going to them for help with my 18 year old because I know his behavior upsets them and they have their own lives to live. I've tried counseling, law enforcement and mental health with absolutely no resolution to this problem. I can't imagine having to deal with this for years to come.

Carol - posted on 11/20/2012

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I just read your post...I am feeling the same. My situation is a bit different but in the end, I have a 20 year old, entitled, arrogant man, living in my house. I am going crazy!!! I know I spoiled him but this is ridiculous!!

His behavior is all because I left his very abusive father and have made a new life for myself.



I love him but HATE his behavior!!!! I can't wait for him to move out and that makes me feel guilty??!!!



I now have a man (my son) living in MY house treating me like shit!! And for some reason, I can't stand up to him???!!!!!!



...so frustrated !

Zelda - posted on 10/27/2012

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I've just joined Circle of Mums and have been reading the comments above and have realised that I am not alone in feeling that I hate my 17-year old son's behaviour though most of the time if actually feels as though it's him I'm hating.

I am posting some background below to give an idea of my position but also because it may be of help to any others who are going through a similar situation and have left home because of a teenager’s behaviour. Am I the only one?

I also have a 6-year old daughter. It has become too stressful for years at home - with me feeling my hear race when I hear him move around the house and my breathing rate rise. I now have to drive my son to college as there is no bus route nearby and no financial help available where we live for accommodation. We spend 9 hours in the car each week to college on three days per week. We sit in silence as does my daughter in the back seat – it is a long drive to school – an hour and a half each way. He sits beside me with his arms folded – for 9 hours a week. It is exhausting.

Financially we (my husband and me) cannot support him to rent somewhere. It feels as though I am simply trapped. Jobs are so scarce here that it is almost impossible to find work. I have asked him to spend spare time asking for work but he lies to me about it, spending most of the time on Facebook, whining about me it seems despite his having caused me to move out of my home. I asked him to write out a list of the things I wanted him to stuck to as part of the bargain for his staying at home. He produced something that cited Human Rights laws etc! Most unlike him - he must have had help drafting that. But he intimidated me with that and i realised that he would not respect any of the things that matter to me. So a bilateral agreement would be pretty pointless. However I have just not had ht energy to challenge it.

I can’t sit in the same room as him - I creep round the house listening for when he has left the kitchen.

I have told him to leave several times but am not sure whether I have to look after him legally till he is 18 – so I am counting the days till his 18th birthday. I also feel guilt for having these feeling of course.

Got to the stage now where I have moved out with my daughter into a caravan (trailer) it's rather nice and best of all, peaceful - with no shouting. I feel that this is the best option for my own sanity and my daughter's but feel deprived of my home. My son and husband are now there together.

Although my husband technically supports me, he will not keep a united front and stick to agreements about our son. So of course my son exploits that, idolising his father – mainly I think as a advice to contrast with his basement-level opinion of me. I cannot seem to move to any kid of position now to show that I am the parent and in charge – because I am certainly not in charge and in fact I have run away if only 10 miles.

My relationship with my husband has essentially broken down as well due to the stress of life with my son. I just don’t feel I have the energy to keep trying to have a marriage – it has just taken a back seat ad there seems no point in it now anyway. Just more stress and yet more compromising. I’m so tired with it all. So my son has won and I have no fight left. My husband also wants my son to leave home and is so desperate that he is considering using money we don’t have to rent him a flat. I feel that this will place us in more financial hardship – so, in fact, I am feeling resentful if my son should have it all his way and the rest of us have less to manage on – we have no holiday, don’t or smoke or can ever even buy a coffee or go out to eat – ever - because we can only manage to survive as it is and to keep our heads above water.

I can’t find work (nearing 50 in a supremely ageist employment market) and within the high demand by many womenr of finding work between school hours. Even some kind of work from the caravan during evening and weekend - self- employ,ment or study - or something I have not yet formulated in my mind - might be some kind of way out. So I am reluctantly reliant on what my husband earns ( intermittent days of work here and there) to support my daughter. I live it the UK with it’s Big Society politics if that might help to make sense of any of this. I’m now forced to give serious thought considering going to a women’s refuge now as they may provide a rood without the huge costs of running and heating caravan ad without the awful other option of having to move back home to the continual stress ad hiding from my son in one room with my daughter.

To my knowledge, my son is now telling his friends that I have moved out until he leaves and many very esentially nasty comments about me - and these are only the couple I know about. The agreement he wrote included my request that he not lie or speak badly of the family to others. He has now broken this part of the agreement but the sanctions are ignored by him. He does feel a sense of entitlement and that, despite my having left home and therefore his life is easier, he still finds it within himself to speak badly of me. I am at my wits end and cannot seem to do anything more to reduce the tension and to protect my daughter from my son’s manipulation - teaching her to swear etc for some kind of weird satisfaction.

I have felt isolated about this – so it has been helpful to read the comments about. I have outspoken to others about this situation except to a friend who allows me to do a weekly wash and bathing session. The trailer park closes in November for one month and so I have almost no time left to find a solution or friends willing to lend us their sofa for a month. –It’s completely crazy.

Ha anyone else actually left home because of the intolerable stress caused in their life and to their other children, by their teenage? Feels as though I’m the only one.



Apologies if this seems to be a enormous whine!

Lizzielucas - posted on 07/25/2012

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show him a birthing video, that will gain some respect, also be firm tell him if hes rude you will throw him out

Jayne - posted on 07/25/2012

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I can only share my own experience. When my daughter was 17 and is now 25 we could not even be in the same room, I sought out family therapy. During one of the sessions I asked the therapist the same question you are asking yourself. She replied no we do not have to like them, but we must always love them. That my feelings of hatred were justified because of her actions and choice of words. From that point on it made sense. Today we are still trying to build a relationship but I still do not always like her or her choices but I will always love her!

Debbie - posted on 07/24/2012

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I have been through this, with 2 sons. I didn't actually hate them, but what they were doing. Now I am raising the oldest son's daughter, she is 12, starting to go into puberty and the aliens have come to take away her personality! I am seeking mental health for her as her mother is bi-polar and so is her maternal grandmother, and so was her maternal great grandmother. It may just be normal behavior for a child her age, but I don't think so. She is slapping herself in the face when she gets upset, says it makes her feel better. She has had to deal with alot for a child, a mother who was sometimes abusive, with terrible mood swings, and even had to sleep in a closet and eat cat food to survive. So I am not surprised that she has problems. When I first got custody of her, at age 6, I got her into counseling and they said she was fine, but she definately isn't now. She has alot of self loathing going on and feels no one understands her. She is very close to me, though and considers me her savior. says she'd be dead or in foster care if not for me. Both my sons had drug problems, both have stopped and are putting their lives together. But they have done alot of damage to their kids. My youngest son's kids don't trust him and won't talk to him. The one I have does talk to her dad, but they haven't spent much time together, he lives in a different state. If I have learned one thing from raising them it is don't do too much for them. They need to learn responsibility. We can't always fix everything for them, sometimes they must fall on their faces to learn.

Linda - posted on 07/22/2012

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Mine fraudulently used my credit cards to purchase fake money for a computer game. Took more money so I had him put on probation. High IQ but just recently let grades drop. Took to count first time and he didn't like that I told counselor that I searched his room for drugs because of all the issues. He did not want him to have the wrong idea. In counseling now with his dad taking him and he goes in by himself. Does not want anyone with him. His dad lets him sleep everyday till noon and says that is ok to sleep till noon in the summer. He has no job and no chores.i just told him I hate him too! I can not take his lip and will never trust him again. Took computer away when I caught him in a lie and will not give it back because I said no more lies. Husband wants to know when he can have i grass is not always greener. I am thankful that he is here but not who he is or what he has made me be. Many count the days till they leave for college. I never thought I would be like that, but it maybe a solution if he does not fail out!

Kari - posted on 06/24/2012

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I did that and finally did call the cops and had mine in for a three day evaluation. A lot of good that did - he thought it was a joke and got nothing but a 3 day vacation out of it.

Jackie - posted on 05/14/2012

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It's totally normal! It's Mother Nature allowing you all to disconnect so he can start his new life. Sometimes it is easy to allow this process to take place when you are very busy. I happen to sell real estate and my Son has tossed some real bombs my way, but I find it nice to go to work and forget about the drama a 17 year old brings to my life! Have you ever thought about getting licensed to sell real estate...it will take your mind off of him, I guarantee it! ;-) Jackie buff5448@aol.com

Karen - posted on 05/13/2012

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Yeah, read the responses below. I too am a single mother who has raised my son to the best of my ability with love, respect and nurturance. He is frustrating me terribly. He, until recently, seemed like a considerate, strong, kind-hearted individual but now he is just a total ass and I am sick of him. I have continued to do thoughtful things for him.... show interest, give him space, welcome his friends, buy him gifts for special occasions, and provide him with financial support while he goes to school and works part time. In return, I get no help around the house unless I "give" him something, an empty refridgerator every two days, garbage all over, lights left on when he leaves the house, piles of his dirty dishes.... and he thinks he's the man. Today, Mother's day, he gave me a five dollar gift, no card and said "merry christmas". Really? Thanks buddy, f - yourself. He acted like it was a big freaking deal to go get some lunch (me buying of course) and when I wanted to get some new clothes he came up to me with a stack of clothes he wanted. Out of the blue, he's lost all sense of gratitude and consideration and I feel I want him out! Problem, his dad is a bi-polar, former-addict child perve and I don't want him to go there for support. I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I called the crisis clinic and they said he is a big boy now and I should stop letting him drain me and let him worry about his own issues. I know I have been overprotective because of his father mentioned earlier. I love him, I don't think this is the authentic him. I wrote him a letter saying that I hoped that he would work on being a better person so he didn't look back on these years with regret. I also said it would be bad parenting of me to let him continue on this path of disrespect and entitlement. I am hating him big time and now that he is out of the house for awhile I am dreading having to look at his smart-ass face again. Obviously I am terribly annoyed and probably sound like a terrible mother.

Terrie - posted on 03/26/2012

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I too have an 18 year old who is living with my sister and headed now to live with my best friend because he dont want to get out and provide for himself. He has always been a great kid, until here recently I have told him that if he dont work and provide for himself ( he isn't in school) I am cutting off his phone. He says many parents still "take care of their 18 year old kids" of course but those kids are getting straight A's in college!!! thats what I told him. I would say kick his butt out if he dont play by your rules! Its our house and we pay the bills!

Janie - posted on 07/07/2011

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Rita
I know how you feel. I feel for you because you are a single parent. I have a husband and he allows my older sons to treat me with disrespect. they are 27,20.
I'm going to actually go to a psychiatrist for help with this. I have been a mother for 27 years. I also have a 12 yr old. I tired of the disrespect, but I understand that you feel overwhelmed. i think we both need to take a step back and realize they are children. It is painful though when your own child is disrespectful. i will read your advice and see how others responded. good luck. - Janie

Ramona - posted on 04/10/2011

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He is a legal adult. Have him sign a lease agreement. It does not have to be for cash, but for chores, being respectful etc.. Let him know that he is a legal adult and that he bound by this agreement. Let him know exactly what you expect from him and what you will do on your end.

Christina - posted on 04/10/2011

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He's 18yrs old. Kick him out! Tell him he will either be respectful and follow the household rules or move out. Tough love may be the way to go here. He will realize really quickly that life is hard and mom's house and rules weren't so bad.

Annette - posted on 04/09/2011

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my daughter and i have fought like cats and dogs for pretty much 17 years.. she is going to be 19. When she turned 18 she thought that becasue she was an adult she can do what she wants when she wants to....so we had a conversation.. it started out nice, didnt end well.. but, i told her the house rules.. no sex in my house ever, (unless she is married), no smoking, no drugs, no drinking, she would have a cerfew of 12 on the weekdays and 1 on the weekends.. and if it was passed that time she shouldnt bother coming home.. she would also have to have a job and help out with some bills around the house. well needless to say a month after she turned 18 she moved out. she has moved at least 6 times since then. she is not living the life i want for her but, she has never asked me for anyhelp.. so let her sow her wild oats while she doesnt have any kids one day she will wake up.. her quality of life has been reduced since she dropped out of college.. but it is her life. she knows if she needs to come back home the rules remain the same and i am here for her... some kids need tough love.

Kelli - posted on 04/07/2011

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threaten to kick him out if he doesnt listen and if he starts to fight with you call the cops

Alexandra - posted on 02/24/2011

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I left home at 18...in some ways it was the best thing I ever did, but my family was still treating me like I was 10 and needed to be told everything. They refused to see me as an adult. Do you treat him like a little kid or an adult? Because that could be part of why he is being mouthy.



He isn't a child anymore. Try asking him, instead of demanding and telling. He has grown up, and he has the right to say no, even if you don't like it.



You probably didn't agree with everything your parents said at that age either.



The truth is, your child or not, you have to give respect to get it. He hasn't quite figured that out yet, so set the example for him. Ask yourself: Do you respect him as a person? An individual? Not just as your child?



You can choose to view him as disrespectful, or choose to realize he is exercising his independence and voicing his own opinions, just like you did at his age.



If he wants to be an adult, let him be. He can move out. He will grow up and him not being there will help you to learn to let him go, and view him as an adult.

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