Lea - posted on 10/06/2012 ( 30 moms have responded )
My daughter just broke up with her boyfriend, and sadly I am devastated...She is just about 18 and he is 19. They are just three weeks shy of what would have been 3 years since they started dating. I have read other post, so I know I am not alone, but I am so sad. I feel ridicuous, but I can't stop crying...This boy was like a member of our family. My daughter seems to be doing okay, but her boyfriend is not and I feel terrible for him...he is crushed :(
The kids first met in 7th grade and were literally best friends regardless of the fact they were a boy and girl. Then this boy started wanting to be more than friends, and he pursued my daughter for 1 1/2 years trying to get her to date him. She wouldn't at first because of their friendship and she didn't ever want that ruined. Well, then in 10th grade she gave in, and until now they had a fairytale romance, so much that everyone always talked about it.
After dating for 9 mos, my daughter's boyfriend's parents lost their home and sadly his family was forced to move, but the kids were determined to stay together...He was 1300 miles away in another state for 18 and they managed to stay together through texting, Skype, daily calls and occassional trips. My daughter was not allowed to visit his family alone, so the compromise was that I flew with her. Because of this, I became good friends with his family. We get along so well, and they love my daughter. He also flew to visit her from time to time and we allowed him to stay at our home but never in the same room. He promised her that he would be back their senior year, and sure enough he was. He stayed with family friends and came back to graduate with my daughter and all of his lifelong friends. During that time there were times when I took on the role of "mother". I helped to make sure he was always on track for school, and sometimes he came to me for help as a "grown-up" for things he normally would have asked his mom and dad. I packed his lunches everyday with my daughters, and he had dinner with out family many nights. Both of them graduated with "Highest Honors". They were at the top of their class, everyone loved them...they we such an awesome and very attractive couple! They had their life ahead of them, and they set very high goals for themselves...they had the next 5 years all planned out.
Most recently, they left to attend a university together. Before making final decisions to go to the same school, I sat them down (because he was living on his own, away from his parents) asking if they had really thought this through - that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. College involved a ton of new experiences, freedom, and growing up...it can be tough on relationships. They were positive this what what they wanted, they had researched the school, their majors, and I have to say that if they hadn't been dating the school truly was a great fit for both of them. Well they have been there a month, and my daughter broke up with him because he was having a really hard time with being very jealous and being overprotective because they were meeting lots of new people and it seems he felt like all of the guys were after my daughter and she couldn't see it. It turned into some big fights and she finally said he couldn't handle it....The problem is that I know she still loves him A LOT but she says she's done. She one the other had is experiencing all this new found freedom and coming from a somewhat sheltered life if someone naive to the world around her sometimes. She let it slip that she's waiting for him "to grow up". She is being really stubborn and really not talking to anyone about what's going on, thinking it's better if their just friends right now. Worst is that they have almost every class together...they planned this so they could share the cost of their books to save money. She has made it very clear that this is not about wanting another relationship.
So, my problem is this. I love this kid nearly as much as one of my own. We have a slightly different relationship than most because I kind of did play mom to him for the last year. I helped him with food, He is soooo sad, and sent me a 6 page text the other day. Rather than text back I called him to check on him. I was not about to tell him "too bad, so sad" because I care about him too much and like I said he practically lived with us for the last year, due to the fact he returned to graduate without his parents here. I feed him, sometimes clothed him and helped him with his college applications...
Well, my daughter was fuming when she found out he contacted me and I called him saying "You're not his mom" to me, and "You're not her kid" to him. I told him I was so sorry his heart was broken and that I wished I could tell him what to do, but I couldn't. I told him he should talk to his dad, etc. He hadn't told his parents (neither, they are divorced..so he has mom & step-dad or dad & step-mom). We had a big discussion by Skype about the whole thing including that we had a slightly different situation than most because we helped to take care of him when he was here and she couldn't honest expect me to just ignore him, that was not fair. Now, I haven't heard from him, but because I can see hims post of FB, I can see what he's feeling. It's tearing my heart out because I know he's reaching out. It's so sad, and I'm worried about him at college all by himself.
They have shared so many wonderful memories and had such and amazing friendship for so many years, it so hard to imagine them not being together. Everything everyone said they couldn't make it through they did...and now they fail??? Through it all, I have also made some good friends with his dad & step-mom, and my daughter has a really good relationship with them as well. I know my daughter still sees him in her future, but she's being really stubborn saying he needs to grow up. It would take forever to write all the details, but she needs to grow up too... and she is only 17. I also know he's giving up :( ...and he is going to leave the school if things don't work out. She doesn't get it, that when he's gone, he's gone. But she doesn't want to talk about anything.
I can't get the picture out of my head, of their smiling faces and watching them grow up together..it's killing me. They had really planned an entire future together, albeit I know they're young, but they even had children's name picked out and talked about where they were going to live in 5 years.
Don't get me wrong, my daughter's happiness my first priority, but I want to make sure that the ex-BF is okay too. Help, don't know what to do! I've been praying a lot, and I feel like they're supposed to be together.....I am just soooo sad! I am talking with my daughter, but is it okay to check on him, too? Not to talk about them, but to make sure he's alright? I keep picturing him locked in his room crying...he was crying when I talked to him last. I wish I could fix this...fix them! :( I am so sad...