Just found out my son smokes pot!

Questionmom - posted on 08/05/2012 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Hello moms, this is my first time every joining something like this. I checked out this site and liked the advice and subjects the moms had. I need help! My son is 15 years old, he's a good student, into football, and a good social life. When the summer first started he was bored, finally 2 weeks ago he found a summer job. I was so proud and happy for him. Then the bomb exploted! When my husband called me to tell me that he took my son's phone away because of a chore issue. He checked his messages, and come to find out he's smoking pot! Cigs! I've never smelled either on him and I trusted him 95%. We have open communication, and I'm a young mom that's update to date on everything. I don't know when? how? but he's been sneeking behind our backs. I just found out a couple of hours ago and I'm still really hurt, mad and dissappointed. He doesn't know that we know yet. I plan to discuss the situation with my husband when I get home from work. Tommorow morning I plan letting him know that we know and punish him. I was thinking taking his cell phone away for a month, no fbook, no game, an earlier cerphew. Does anyone have any suggestions. I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions any of you have. Thank you :-(

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Mo - posted on 08/14/2012

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Honestly this tough. I too was extremely upset and felt a bit betrayed even to find out my child had this secret of smoking pot. I thought long and hard before speaking. Yes I did want to punish. That is naturally the first instinct. Instead I decided that I wanted to keep communication open. Look if I was to punish all that would accomplish would be more secrets. Tell me honestly do you know exactly what your child is doing when they are not with you? The answer is no. My children checkin regularly but that doesn't stop them from smoking pot. So again I decided to keep communication open. I informed them that I knew and how I found out. I then stressed to them what my concerns were. The main concern is that pot is the starter drug and how it upset me to think that this could lead to worse drugs. I reiterated through my chat with them that I was not condoning this behavior but trying to guide them through this poor decision to do this. Then I informed them that I would not accept any pot in the house that meaning any paraphernalia (pipes, papers, etc). This would result in punishment. I also told them if they were to continue this behavior that they should be the toker and not the owner. I expressed concern and used words like jail, injury, and even death. I don't know if this helps you but I have a little better relationship with my kids and I find that they are not smoking as much. It seems to me that they excitement of doing something against my wishes or in secret has no more umf. Good luck

Julie - posted on 12/01/2013

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I'm afraid you're completely incorrect Mary Ann Walsh. Marijuana is a great drug , it shouldn't even be called a drug. Would you rather your son be drinking or smoking cigarettes? Those could both ruin their lives. You must be blinded by how the media tells us it's bad because it's a "drug" when in fact it's a natural medicine and should be treated as such.

Jp - posted on 08/14/2012

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I understand your fear. You worry that your son will develop an addiction to smoking pot. I would worry too. People use it as an escape, to calm down. Or it maybe peer pressure. What ever the reason is...the most important life lesson your son can learn to be confident within himself, so he doesn't feel he has to resort to smoking up with friends to feel accepted. He should surround himself with friends that don't influence him in a negative way. He should nurture his talents so he can boost his self esteem. Why do kids have to get high with a substance??... They should be high on life. If they are using it to escape than they must learn better coping skills. You are putting a lot of thought into the punishment aspect.You need to really get down to the reason why. Because once you find out why, you can reason with him about it more. You want your son to learn to make right life decisions. His choices do have consequences that aren't always immediate, so they don't always understand the dangers. As a parent we have to the responsibility to keep them safe.Basically what I am saying is yes you can take away all his social tech stuff but you should intervene with a listening ear and a open heart. Sometimes if a teen views our punishments too harsh they view us as the enemy and will rebel more so and it's more like a power struggle.

John - posted on 08/06/2012

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Honestly I feel sorry for all kids who have mothers that treat their kids like dogs and follow guidelines on how to raise your kid via the internet. Punishment? Trust?

First of all, if you did in fact have mutual trust then your husband shouldn't have been looking through your son's phone, it's common courtesy. As this goes on he's just going to resent you more and more and withdraw instead of coming to you for help.

Please don't blame your son for smoking marijuana. How is he to blame? In a society where our education system is laughable and high schools are similar to juvenile, what did you expect? The media and high school bombards him with weed advertising and he becomes aware and curious on a strictly subliminal level before even trying it. If anyone is to blame, blame the high school and media.

Your son must have justification for it, unless he was just curious of course. If so, teens usually say it makes them feel "good". This means that reality is so harsh right now and teens are so hypersensitive at that age that they would rather smoke marijuana to feel good than face all these B.S problems we have today. Again, your son plays a small role in this failing society.

Why would you even punish him? I don't see the correlation between having no cell phone and no facebook - if he wants to light up he will continue to do so, and he will be happy to move out as soon as he hits legal age.

Is this what you want? To push him away? Because you think it is wrong for an emotionally turbulent teenager to experiment with life's god-given plants due to stress that is hard to imagine in your own eyes? I don't see the issue here.

Mo - posted on 08/14/2012

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In addition to what I stated earlier....I also informed them that there would be random drug testing while in my care. My reasoning is simple....it's my house, it's my right to know. I do a test you can purchase at your local drug store that tests for a long list of drugs. This keeps me more aware of anything else that may come along. So far I have only seen pot come up as the drug being used and happy to say that they have more negative tests these days.

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Stephanie - posted on 12/11/2013

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We just found out that are 16 yo boy has been smoking pot since he was 10 yo, or son he says. The problem is I want to get to the reason as to why? But he won't open up, so we can work through it. My husband on the other hand is furious!! And wants to punish him severely. I feel that doing that is 1. not going get him to stop. 2. Will just make him mite resentful and angry. My son is a good kid, never been in trouble, however his grades are not great. I am disappointed because I know he is not applying himself, he used to be on the presidents list and in advanced classes, now he is just skating by.I feel guilty because I'm always working, and what time I'm at home is spent dealing with his older sister and little brother who is 8. I think he has middle child syndrome. I just Don't know how to fix what's broken. He is always so angry and doesn't want to be home at all. Any advice would be helpful.

Mary Ann - posted on 11/03/2013

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Your not alone, our son is 15 too..good grades & a great social life, he loves to fish and is on high school tennis team.
What was most surprising to me and my husband is how he defended his smoking! It's better than alcohol. These kids for some reason truly believe its not bad for them!! So frustrating,when we clearly know that it so not for them!

Telmo - posted on 03/11/2013

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Hello to everyone, i came here just to write with few words that i want to help people
to stop consuming drugs, being your child, friend, or family.
I am not a medic or a psiquiatrist, but i am a person who was once trapped to this problem, i smoked weed, and sometimes we are the best people to help to others, because only people who made the trip, have the full knowlege. I put my life together, ofcorse with my parents help, because family support is essencial, we have to be friends to the people we love. Please ask me for anything, tell me what drug is the problem.

The link i leave here will help some people, but it is for a specific drug.

Any questions, just ask me, or e-mail me, i am here to help.

http://4ff78kllp6w8wndrvi0ewh1k5c.hop.cl...

Megan - posted on 08/14/2012

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Kids will always find a way. NO amount of drug testing or punishment will stop him from doing something he wants to do. It will only push him away weakening the bond/trust and teach him to be more deviant.
Talk to him, open up the line of communication. Ask him why he is smoking, what started it, ask how it makes him feel. Teens and adults usually smoke as a form of self medication without even realizing it. If you get the thoughts rolling in his mind, having him analyze the process of his actions, he will be more aware of the causes and consequences. If they can come to a conclusion themselves, it's a life lesson. They feel empowered.
Empowerment will get you better results than any punishment you could ever dish out. The job of a parent is to teach children/teens to make smart informed decisions so when we aren't around they have the skills to succeed. If all he learns from this, is to not get caught then better prepare for what's to come.

Christine - posted on 08/06/2012

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I agree with John Bro, when I first discovered my son was using drugs, I was furious, but he decided to use pills, that scared the hell out me, he admitted to using pot, which did not bother me as much as the pills did, because after doing some research, I found that more teens over dose on pills, not pot. For months I gave my son drug test, and the only thing that would show would be the pot. I was very open and honest with him on how I felt about my concerns, and because of the open communication we are much closer, and yes he still gets high on pot, but hes more relaxed, works his butt off and not too mention I know ALL of his friends he hangs out with and they all hang out at his house. Your son knows he can trust you, now its time to earn his trust by just being honest and understanding, good luck with whatever you decide!

Angie - posted on 08/06/2012

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I'm not sure how you know for sure; I'm thinking based on his messages, but before jumping to conclusions, I think I would buy a drug test 1st; then you and your husband sit down with him and approach him specifically on why you feel he's smoking pot and/or cigs. If he denies, which could be true, could maybe not be true, then have him take the drug test and then you will know proof positive. If it's negative, it could reestablish the trust you had in him...again I don't know the nature of the messages, but it could be possible he was trying to be "cool" and then you can explain how that can backfire. If it's positive, then you can go the trust issue, establish your grounding, and I would be giving him regular drug tests. I talk to my kids about roads in life...in your case, it sounds like your son has a lot of positive things going for him, try focusing on those positive things and explain how quickly that can all go away if he continues the path of doing drugs....I hope that helps :)....oh, and 1 more thing, try to do it while you are calm...it usually doesn't do anyone much good if you are upset and emotional...I hope it all works out for you :)

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