Kids having sex in the house.

Tracy - posted on 11/23/2009 ( 60 moms have responded )

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What are your thoughts on adult children having sex in the parents house?

I'll give a brief situation.

Adult child, almost 23, living at home. His girlfriend 17. Comes over and they have sex in the adult child's parents home.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 11/29/2009

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Dear Tracey

I feel awful for you with all of these people judging you and your son. I have to agree with Leni on this one. I am certainly glad I don't live in the US. In the UK it is pure and simple - if a girl is over the age of 16 she is considered legally able to consent no matter how old the partner she chooses. I have always stressed to my sons who are now 17 and 19, that I would rather they had sex in my home than in some alley or somewhere equally as unsuitable. I would rather they were in a safe place and able to consider such things as safe sex than have them contract STI's or having some irate father knocking on my door cos his daughter is pregnant.

And as for the age of your son, it is a common fact that girls usually mature much quicker than boys anyway - many girls, myself included (a long time ago now) have had boyfriends in their 20's whilst still a teenager themselves, because they see boys their own age as immature. You are not responsible for this girl, and in my opinion it seems that, if her parents can't trust and respect her to make her own life choices, and they obviously aren't communicating then that is a short-coming of them and not you. Obviously you have a good relationship with your son, as you have obviously been able to talk to him about this issue. You must make this decision for yourself according to your own beliefs and principles (I hate hearing these people spouting off their own religious convictions in order to judge other people against themselves), but whatever your decision, know this - if they want to have sex they will, no matter what you or anyone else says - this is the case now and has always been for thousands upon thousands of years! Hope it works out, good luck x

JENNIFER - posted on 11/24/2009

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First of all if they are not married then it's fornication. Plain and simple. It should not be encouraged.

[deleted account]

This is a really bad situation - a 23 year old adult and a 17 year old minor sneaking around to have sex in your house, you know about it and you know that her parents object. He is committing statutory rape and you are helping him. The legal term for what you're doing is contributing to the deliquency of a minor. I worked in the state prison system for almost 20 years and can tell you that more than a few people have gone to prison, sometimes for years, because of this sort of thing. It happens a lot more than you would imagine. Each time that they had sex in your house can be counted as a separate offense. In other words, if they did it six times, you and he could be charged with 6 crimes. That will mean more prison time. If her parents put pressure on the prosecutor or it gets out in the media, or the judge wants to make an example of you, you could be looking at a lot more time. I don't think that either of you will like prison. You won't be able to log onto facebook or any other site like it. You won't even be able to use email. And you won't have access to a phone whenever you want and your family won't be able to call you. It can be very lonely. You need to remind your son that he still may be having sex in there, but it won't be with his girlfriend or with any woman and it won't matter if he is a willing participant or not. Both of you will have felony records and will have to register as sex offenders every place you live or work for many years, probably for the rest of your life. That will make your life extremely difficult after you get out of prison. Nobody wants a sex offender working for or with them or living near them. You won't be able to live, work or even be near any school, daycare or other place where children go. State law dictates how far away you have to be - how many miles, not blocks. If you are in any kind of profesion where you take care of children, old or disabled people or anybody else who may not be able to protect themselves, you will have your license taken away from you and it will be really hard, probably even impossible to get it back. Even church groups may let you know that you are not welcome. I am not exaggerating any of this. I don't understand why you are trying to "prove your point" to your son. It's your house and your rules. If he doesn't want to follow your rules, it is time for him to live elsewhere. If he loved you, respected you or was concerned about your well-being, he wouldn't be doing this. He is 23 and has a job and needs to be pushed out of the nest. If he needs help with the expenses, he can find a roommate - hopefully not an underage female. If he won't leave on his own, it is time to change the locks and put his stuff out in the yard. I know that all of this sounds harsh, but I hope to help you understand what a horrible situation you are in. You need to take care of this really soon - like yesterday. Be strong!!! Get yourself out of this mess before it is too late!!!

Patricia - posted on 11/23/2009

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M dear friend first that all your son can get in a lot of trouble since his girlfriend its only 17. You dont want that. talk to him he is not a kid anymore.good luck

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Shannon - posted on 09/06/2011

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frist off theage differance bothers me .thats a big differance. and second what kinda girl doesnt seembothered by having sex in her boyfriends parents home! look kids are gonna have sex but it is very disrepectful to do it in your parents home. this girl does not seem to have respect for other people feeling or rules. or herself wich is sad

Alicia - posted on 09/02/2011

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NOT IN MY HOUSE UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED.AND THE YOUNG LADY WHO IS 17 SHOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX IN HIS MOM'S HOUSE WHERE IS THE RESPECT FOR HER AND FOR THE MOM ,AT 23 YRS OLD GET A ROOM

Jackie - posted on 08/30/2011

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Some of these people need to get a grip. Rapist???? Puleezeee. Maybe he is young for his age and his girlfriend is old her her age. All of these people are assuming that they know the law. Well, I looked it up. Sixteen years old (16) is the CONSENTUAL age for most of the country, the lowest age for consentual sex in any state is as low as 14. He nor you nor anyone else will go to jail for him having sex with a 17 year old. She is consenting to sex and could have been consenting for as long as three years in some states! Anyway, I think he must obey your rules in your house. Some people are just plain mean.

Amy - posted on 12/30/2009

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As long as my kids are residents in my home, wether 15 or 30, they will abide by my rules. If I tell them no way are they having relations in your house, stand by it. If they don't respect your rules, then they need to find their own residence.

Mary - posted on 12/12/2009

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i have a 22 year old son he has been told not to have sex in our house if he wants to do that he can move out and find his own place we taught him respect and while his father and i pay the rent it is our rules or out

Mary - posted on 12/12/2009

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Talking, unfortunately, does little good at this point. Maturity in regards to a job is a moot point. Most kids get a job at this time to finance their iPod applications, not REALITY applications.
We indeed had that talk regarding "R-e-s-p-e-c-t" to the young man in our girls life.
And it comes down to the fact that even though perhaps you raised your kids to be respectful, your kids are going to get taken in and down from the ones that were not raised like this. It is not about the jobs WE have done, but about the other issues out there in our kids lives.

Dannielle - posted on 12/05/2009

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wow...lots of opinions on here...from lax to very harsh...I think it comes down to respect...I won't even comment on the sex part...I will just say that he wants to be treated as the adult he is age wise, but he is not behaving like an adult since he is sneaking around and hiding their dating from her parents...encourage both of them to meet with her parents and let them know they are seeing each other...to be treated as an adult he needs to have integrity and be honest with the girl's parents...if they forbid them to see each other...he needs to respect that and break it off...as for their age difference...I am just not even going to comment...there has been a lot of comments on that already...talk to him...he must have some maturity if he is holding down a job....let him think through the wisdom of being a man of integrity even if it means losing his girlfriend

Mary - posted on 12/05/2009

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I have been thru prosecuting a 19 year old for having sex with my then 15 yr old daughter.
Forst of all; in just about every state now, even if the legal age is 18, they will not prosecute unless the boy (older one) is MORE THAN 4 YEARS OLDER THAN THE MINOR.
This is just the way it is now. They will not automatically file statutory rape charges if he is 18 and she is 16. not anymore. That day is long gone my friends.

Tracy - posted on 12/03/2009

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would rathe my children do it in house with permission than sneaking around in disgusting places but safe sex and they have to be responsible only my four boys have taken me up on this i doubt my twin daughters will though

Karrie - posted on 12/03/2009

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if he gets caught by her mom he Will be charged with rape and you could as well be charged for allowing and knowing possible indangerment of a child so you really need to put your foot down. her mother doesn't approve and all she has to do is place a phone call to the police and your sons and your lives will be ruined for ever. good luck

Toni - posted on 12/02/2009

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Well Tracy you are in a situation that must be dealt with and it's not going to be easy for you as a mother. I am not going to go into the legalities or the moralities of the situation, you already know that. But, this seems to be a turning point for you and your son. I don't know if he is contributing to the house fund or if you need his help financially, but If possible it sounds like it is time for him to move out. The problem you have is your son is making a choice to disrespect your house rules. So, it seems you have two choices, you can tell him to move out or let him know that if he brings her to your house with the intent of having sex you will be forced to inform her mother. This should either scare him enough or tick him off enough to make a decision on his future. As a mother of a 19 yr old, I have been in the exact situation as you, except they both were 18 yrs old. But, I told him, I wasn't allowed to screw around in my parents house and neither is he....period it's not up for discussion. And as a grown man he should be able to recognize and understand your dilemma. He is not acting very grown up. Good luck and god bless.

Valerie - posted on 11/29/2009

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it's your house and your call. Dpending where you live it might be illegal. i think it is sending your son the wrong message.

Ann-Marie - posted on 11/29/2009

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I wonder about the age difference & is that appropriate or legal? If it is & both families are happy with the age difference than that is great. As for having sex in your home. Hmm - I guess everyone has a different opinion on the subject... I personally could never have sex in my parents or parent-in-law's homes but that is just me. But in saying that I always wanted it to be different for my children... I wanted them to feel more comfortable & have less hang ups about sex... I was raised in a strict catholic enviroment but that is another story. I have adult children over 21 years of age - when they first decided to have a sexual relationship approximately 4 yrs ago... I sat them both down & made sure it was what they both wanted & felt ready for - when that was established next came protection - both the pill & condoms - can never be too careful - as for the where - I allow it in my home most definately - as long as I do not know when it is happening or hear it - I am happy for my adult child to feel safe & secure in her home (my home). At the end of the day it is your home which entitles you to have your rules whatever they may be... but you do need to let your son know what those rules are. Talk it over with him - all the best xoxo

[deleted account]

Nope, at 23, he needs to get a place of his own...Spend the oney on a hotel room, not the parents house. Disrespectful

Debbie - posted on 11/29/2009

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I would think that the 23 year old should not be an issue as long as he is discretionary about it. But with a 17 year old... um, I would definately examine that. You may be looking at some legal issues being that she is not 18 years of age ESPECIALLY if her mother already objects to the relationship. Be very careful because you don't want you OR your son getting into any legal complications if the mom finds out and decides to press charges of statutory rape and child endangerment. If he insists than I think that you should approach the other mother about it and sit and talk to the two like adults if they are going to be engaging in adult behavior. If it is still an issue I would suggest you tell your son that he should find his own place and by adult enough to deal with the consequences if any. He only has to wait until she is 18. If they love eachother that much and are committed to being together, they BOTH can wait.

[deleted account]

I think you should put your self in the girls parents place for a minute. I under stand you trying to protect your son but how are the parents of the girl going to protect her if they dont know?

Julie - posted on 11/28/2009

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I never give advice, so I will only give my own thoughts about my son. If my son at 23 is still living at home, but is paying for part of the bills and does his fair share of taking care of our home, then I feel I will need to respect him as being an adult. As long as there is communication and respect, if he is in a relationship I would not feel that I had a right to say anything. Now in saying that if his girlfriend was not of age, I would not accept that as he would be putting us both in a bad situation. I know some mom's may not agree with me, but each child is different. I am a divorced mother and my son is very protective of me, we are very close and while I am always mom first, we are also good friends. I can see my son staying at home and helping me until he meets the right person and starts his own family.

Stephanie - posted on 11/28/2009

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First of all if the child is 23 and can not respect the house hold then THEY GOTTA GO

Tiffany - posted on 11/28/2009

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If he doesn't want to be treated like a child then he should not engage in childish behaviors, 'sneaking' around with this 17 yr old girl. He may be in alot of trouble if and when her mom finds out.

Tiffany - posted on 11/28/2009

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VERY disrespectful to the parents. Apparently he needs to get a life if he is 23 and still living at home. Being intimate with your mate is a private thing and should not be done in the house of anyone but your own unless you get a hotel room. AND why is a 23 year old dating a child in school or of school age?

Tam - posted on 11/28/2009

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wow thought my family was the only family to have age issues.. my girls are not allowed to date older guys as I know there are college guys who hit on her and grown men while she is working! From experience with a step child who wound up with an older guy( my spouse calls it molesting) she was 16 he was like 19-20.. We were uttlerly disgusted but we were not her guardians so there was nothing we could do about it. Now she is pregnant with this drug addicts child, she is 18 he is like 21. I just feel that she entrapped him, and he was the fool who got trapped.. Her dad absolutley hates him, and it is unrealistic that we will ever be a family again with all the animosity about the circumstances! Glad that my two daughters can see the old perverts coming, but i raised them to think that old guys are gross when your young and have your whole life ahead.. I in no way blame your son I think the girl wants this, and I dont blame my step childs boyfriend I blame her... In the end the girl usually makes the choice about sex, and uses sex to get what she wants.. I hope your son sees the light before he has a child with someone who is still a child,, good luck

Lori - posted on 11/28/2009

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Several people have given you excellent food for thought. Legally, your son COULD be charged with statutory rape by the girl's parents, because the age difference between them exceeds four years. (The laws do vary from state to state) This is a real risk since you already know they don't want her seeing him. The fact that he IS does not speak well of his respect for THEM. The fact that he wants to behave sexually as an adult in your home shows a lack of respect for YOU. Are they going to have sex anyway? Yep, probably. And I'm sure you love you son and want to support him no matter what. I guess the real question is whether he is 'adult' enough to show you the same love and consideration, and to be reasonable and respectful of your position in this, legally and otherwise, and to either put the brakes on until his girlfriend comes of age, or find another living situation so that you are not placed at risk for his decisions.

Tough one. I will say prayers for you as well.......

Chel - posted on 11/27/2009

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U know what. A 23 year old male isn't going to listen to you telling him who he should or shouldn't go out with. They are going to have sex no matter if they are living in your home or not. If you dont like him haveing sex in your house, all u do is tell him "not under my roof your not, or u can just move out".

Shellie - posted on 11/27/2009

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what state do you live in? age of consent is different in many states. Here in NV, it is 17, so here he isn't actually breaking the law, and only if he was actually raping her would he be charged for that. Honestly, I think she is old enough to decide for herself, however it isn't going to help the relationship between her and her mother, for her knowing nothing about the dating. When she finds out, she will habor bad feelings toward your son, that wouldn't be fair, not completely, he does have a responsibility towards his girlfriend to try not to hide the fact from her mother, and should tell his girlfriend that if it isn't what her mother wants right now, they can wait until she is 18, which isn't that far away. But hey, that is only my opinon....I am not here to judge any of you. Some mothers don't want their daughters with anyone, and feels no one is right for them, worse for the fathers. But, all in all, it is their decision, based on their age. When my daugher was 17, she was dating a man of 21 (but didn't last) now with another 18 yr old like herself. Anyway, just my input, doesn't mean a damn thing really. good luck to your son tho, hope this is the right thing for him.

Shellie - posted on 11/27/2009

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as for me, I was in that position myself, with my now husband (then boyfriend),both in his parents (both homes), and mine. But also now as a mother, I am in the same position. Both my daughter (18), and my oldest son (17), with my daugher, her boyfriend (then fiance') lived with us for awhile, having sex in her room. My oldest son, he met his girlfriend in high school, they were both freshman (he was 15 she was 14), but didn't start having sex until he was 16 and she was 15. We (my husband and I ) felt it was safer for them to be here, than be somewhere either in a car, or in some alley or something. We wanted them to be safe, and use protection. We told them, we don't want to hear it, nor hear about it. But, I do not judge those that may feel differently about it, nor do I want judgement on me. We are all the ones that need to decide what we want in our households, and "outsiders" have no clue what is best for each of us, just as I will never say, "oh, you are a bad mother for this...." hell no, we all need to decide what is the best way to handle our children and our households. How do you feel about them having sex in your house?

[deleted account]

oh puleezzzze...do you all think that 17 year old girls are all naive virgins. they are going to have sex regardless of whether you allow them to or not. in cars, in garages, in yucky, disgusting motel rooms, behind buildings, in the forest...shall i go on? Tracy, don't listen to listen to all this self righteousness. do what you need to do because it feels like the right thing to do and not because some self righteous biddys are making you sound like you are conspiring. you son does need to be aware of the consequences though and i wouldn't encourage it...and definitely not while you are home...that is just gross :) and ladies...stop harping on her like she's a bad mom! so glad you've never had any of these issues...can't wait till someone judges your parenting skills.

Lydia - posted on 11/26/2009

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That is a no no that's why there are hotels well the parents need to stop it? that is no respect? especailly if there are teenagers in the house cause there gonna think it ok form them to do it? no no RESPECT is what these kids need to learn.

Tracy - posted on 11/26/2009

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In Ohio the age of consent is 16. I know that could still get him in trouble if the issue was pushed .

Carol - posted on 11/26/2009

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I have three children aged 19 to 25 still living at home, my son (middle child) has had girlfriends come home and they have slept together, but never has there been such an age difference, I agree is it statuatory rape. But if it were in a situation like my kids, I have had THE talk with them, and although I don't approve, I would rather there relationships with the opposite sex are without any dangers, so if it means having sex in my home then so be it, my only rules are that the partner at least have a conversation with us rather than use my childs bed as a sex object. And, think about this, if it isn't at home in a safe environment with all the protection under the sun, it could be parking in a car, in a bush, on an open road, or a country road - who knows what could happen then.

Angie - posted on 11/25/2009

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Quoting kathy :

actually each state is different in my state 16 and over is the age of consent .so here legally it is ok ,but i think it is very inappropriate . if the girl was yours what would you say then?



I just spoke with my husband who is a federal law enforcement office and he agrees, every state is different but the federal law is anyone 18 or older who has sex with anyone under 18 is committing statutory rape.

Kathy - posted on 11/25/2009

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actually each state is different in my state 16 and over is the age of consent .so here legally it is ok ,but i think it is very inappropriate . if the girl was yours what would you say then?

Anita - posted on 11/25/2009

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MY FRIEND YOU JUST NEED TO BE STRONG AND TELL HER YOU DONT WANT HER THERE ANY MORE EVEN IF IT HURTS YOUR SON . SHE IS A MINOR AND YOUR ONLY DOING WAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND HIM SO BE STRONG AND GOD BLESS

Andrea - posted on 11/25/2009

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ok woe.. i disagree.. im sure over here its 16the legal age. I think some people are being wayyy harsh. Age is only a number!! im 21.. and i kn.. IF ur inlove..or THINK ur inlove nothing can keep you apart from eachother.. u will only destroy ur relationship with ur son. You just need to discuss the situation, which i think u said u have. Other wise if u dnt want them having sex under your roof then its time he moves out and can enjoy it in his own privacy. when your older age is nothing.. so why should it matter now?? if your immature ul learn frm ur mistakes eventually. You can only judge but you have no idea how they feel about eachother.

Stephanie - posted on 11/24/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

Kids having sex in the house.

What are your thoughts on adult children having sex in the parents house?
I'll give a brief situation.
Adult child, almost 23, living at home. His girlfriend 17. Comes over and they have sex in the adult child's parents home.



My first thought is why is this adult person even talking to a minor child! They should not even be speaking yet alone having sex with a minor child.

Desiree - posted on 11/24/2009

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Hi Tracy,
He doesn't look like a rapist and I know it is hard giving tuff love but u must. I know that you don't want to put him out so I will encourage you to get him interested in college and college women. He needs to learn more responsibilities and understand women that are little older because they do require more. Have a happy Thanksgiving

Tracy - posted on 11/24/2009

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Accepted Angie.
My son and I have had a wonderful relationship up to now. This really is very difficult. My oldest child and my only son.
I am very grateful for everyone's replies.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
God bless and Happy Thanksgiving.

Angie - posted on 11/24/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

He has a job. Secondly he is NOT a rapist. Obviously I have portrayed my son as a monster which he is not. I am not allowing them to have sex in my house. That is why he is PO at me. He feels that as an adult he should be able to make those choices for himself. And as an adult I allow him to make his own choice, but in this case I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO BRING HIS GIRLFRIEND HERE AND HAVE SEX. When my son started dating her she was NOT a virgin. He WAS.
I think I have made my point to him.
Thank you for all your input.


Tracy, I owe you an apology.  I should have used a different word.  I am sorry for that,  I was out of line.  You are in a tough situation and my comment was not a bit helpful.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.....

[deleted account]

Well I lied. I have to respond one more time. I know your son is not a monster and I don't think that you have portrayed him as one. During my career, I have worked with many people who have done things much worse than what your son is doing now, a lot of them worse than any ordinary person could even imagine. The criminal act that they committed was not who they were - it was something that they did. Every single one of them had some (no - lots of) good in them. In addition to their crime or crimes, they had done many good things and continued to do so even from prison. There is both the good and the bad in all of us. That is a universal truth. This applies to your son as well as anyone else. I know that most of this advice has been hard to swallow, but I think it has all come from the heart of people who are concerned about you, as well as your son. At least, I know that is where I am coming from. You have my best wishes in dealing with this situation. Please, feel free to email me if you feel a need or desire to discuss this anymore. This is a tough situation for any parent. I just want to help and will respond.

Barb - posted on 11/24/2009

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Tracy; i can't imagine the anger you probably feel at someone calling your son that. However, i'm sure you know in most states 18 is the legal age of consent. if she isn't old enough to consent then it's non consensual, and non consensual sex is rape. That is just in the eyes of the law.

As far as two ADULTS having sex in the parents house without being married i say it's ok. i was living with my husband for 5 years before we got married (celebrated 11 years friday) and when i would visit my parents house for the holidays we slept together. i know, different settings.. but the facts remain the same, two consenting adults who are already having sex, i just don't see the big deal i guess. As long as it's not in my bed, cuz that's just ick.

I understand, You are making this post to show your son his choice is not a good one. I do hope he gets the point and understands the consequences not just for himself but for you as well and that its not all about him.

good luck to you.

Tracy - posted on 11/24/2009

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He has a job. Secondly he is NOT a rapist. Obviously I have portrayed my son as a monster which he is not. I am not allowing them to have sex in my house. That is why he is PO at me. He feels that as an adult he should be able to make those choices for himself. And as an adult I allow him to make his own choice, but in this case I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO BRING HIS GIRLFRIEND HERE AND HAVE SEX. When my son started dating her she was NOT a virgin. He WAS.
I think I have made my point to him.
Thank you for all your input.

Jody - posted on 11/24/2009

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Well for starter"s, she is under age. He should be dating girls closer to his own. And probably get a job and move out.

Angie - posted on 11/24/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

I'm grateful for all the replies. Understand I am NOT allowing this to go on in my house. And the point I am trying to make to my son is that MOST people agree with me that regardless of him being an adult it is MY house and MY rules.



I know that this can not be easy for you and I pray that I am never in your postion but as long as you don't stop it from happening in your home, you are allowing it.  If he can't live by your rules, he needs to leave before your get into legal trouble yourself.  Give him a deadline to find a place of his own before her parents find out that you are letting them be together and files charges against you and your son.  I can promise you that if my daughter was ever in this situation, I would go after the rapist and his parents.   Please, protect yourelf and this young girl.

[deleted account]

That will be my last post about this. You have to make your own decisions. But I will pray for you.

[deleted account]

As long as you let him live in your house, knowing what is going on, you are letting it happen. The legal system calls this depraved indifference. You know a crime is being committed and you do nothing to help the victim, in this case, your son's 17 year old girlfriend. You really need to call a lawyer now. It's not good to wait until you and/or he are arrested.

Kayle - posted on 11/24/2009

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i don't think it should be encouraged, however if the parent is comfortable with it, it's their call.

Tracy - posted on 11/24/2009

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I'm grateful for all the replies. Understand I am NOT allowing this to go on in my house. And the point I am trying to make to my son is that MOST people agree with me that regardless of him being an adult it is MY house and MY rules.

Evelyn - posted on 11/23/2009

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also that is consider satatory rape..if her parents don't want them together and you let continue they can take legal action and put both of you in jail him for rape and you for an accomplice...so if you don't want to see your son and your self in jail then i would put a stop to it

Evelyn - posted on 11/23/2009

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first of all the 23year shouldn't be dating a seventeen let alone having sex with her.second when he starting having in the parents home.. him and the girlfriend don't have respect for the parents or the home and third if the girlfriends gets pregnant her parents are gonna blame his parents because they allowed it in there home..

Sheila - posted on 11/23/2009

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You may be getting yourself in a lot of trouble with your 23yr dating a 17 yr old and her family is not for it......... if you don't mind going to jail for your 23 year old then let it go on if not you may want him to stop having her over to your home to have SEX......point blink

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