lazy adult son i want out of the house

Kim - posted on 08/16/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I kicked my 18 yr old son out 2 weeks ago and I let him come back today providing he sticks to the rules..and that this was his last chance. I feel like I was wrong for giving in so easily. Honestly, I want to get on with my life and I'm sick of feeling responsible for an "adult" that should be carrying his own load..time to grow up! He wants the respect of an adult but quit school and hasn't found a job since..about 6 months? Now I feel like we're starting all over again. I guess my fear is he wont find his wa. I gave him 3 months to find work and nothing. Plus he's always been lazy so I don't think he's trying hard enough. I'm finding myself resentful at him and feel guilty about feeling this way but I cant afford to pay his way anymore.

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Sandra - posted on 08/18/2012

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At 18, even though an adult, I am seeing alot are still kids. 20 seems to be the new 18. Some kids make it, and some flop. But as a parent it is our responsibility to teach our children how to be adults. And if one is not a good adult, how did they learn this. Tough love could backfire and send a fragile adult down the wrong path. Once a child is an adult, our parenting is not over, it just changes for a new phase in life. I would ask your son to get his GED. Tell him school or he will need to get a job. Tossing one out with nothing, is not a good parent. Even though you feel you are done, he is not done growing up. Have you allowed your son to have responsibility growing up, or always told him what to do? A job is the next step. He wants to eat, clean the house or contribute to the food bill. There are ways to teach kids to earn what they need and have.
To toss one out and let them back, and repeat it, does not teach a child much. If you are going to throw him out, leave it that, if not, then don't do it.
I have seen a few kids(I'm an older parent) get tossed out and the outcome is not good, they struggle mentally and have become addicted to drugs. The ones that were allowed to mature at home seem to have a more stable life. Think of them before you think of yourself, your job is not done.

Jennifer - posted on 08/18/2012

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I feel your pain. My husband and I have two 18 soon to be 19 year old sons, two 16 month old sons and a 3 year old daughter. One of our 18 year olds is super responsible. Holds down two jobs, is starting college in the fall, helps out with the younger siblings and pulls his weight around the house. Our other 18 year old has been the exact opposite his whole life. We provided the same nurturing, and growth opportunities to the boys equally yet one strived and the other did not. They have very different personalities. Our other 18 year old did not graduate high school, would not do a single chore, was constantly doing the "poor me" pity party with everyone and because he is very charismatic people buy into it. The straw for us was when he had two different people offer him jobs that he could have out right. I NEVER had a job fall in my lap like that! He refused to accept either. He just wanted to hang out with his girlfriend, play guitar and play video games. We felt pathetic taking away his video games at 18 years old! Finally we just told him he had to leave that we were not going to be a hotel anymore. He moved in with his girlfriend and her dad and now her dad is supporting him. He still has no job, is not enrolled in school--nothing :( We will NEVER have him back again. Not unless he makes significant leaps and bounds. We have done everything we possibly could for him and to teach him skills and he bucked against us every step of the way. I have no real advice aside from just stick to your gut. Don't feel sorry for him. If he doesn't pull it together and start to make some improvement then kick him out for good. If he were worried about it he would shape up. If he doesn't ship him out.

Megan - posted on 08/21/2012

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Sounds like he doesn't have any drive or ambition to do what is necessary to care for himself. While there may be underlying issues causing this (depression?) he has to know that you mean business. Set a deadline for your requirements. If he doesn't meet the deadline then move to the next step. As long as he knows he can get away with not meeting your requirements he won't make an effort. He has to want to change and grow otherwise it's a vicious miserable circle. Someone once told me if you make it too comfortable at home, they'll never want to leave. Make it not so comfortable why still providing the basic necessities. Food, water and shelter. If he wants anything else he will have to show you effort. You can't cut him off cold turkey with no way of providing for himself BUT you can wean him off of depending on you. On a side note- talk to him about what's going on with him, the drinking, holes in walls, drugs. Ask if he thinks seeing a Dr. would help. (You never know...could help him realize he needs help, or could show him you are concerned FOR him because of the seriousness of his actions.) Good luck!

Kim - posted on 08/20/2012

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The emotions are taking their toll. When I see my son it's strained and difficult. He's got some resentments and anger towards me since I've told him he has to do his part. It was so hard to get to a place where I did the contract thing. And it tore me to peices when I watched him as he tead it. We use to be so close..but the behaivior got worse. Drinking, holes in the walls..damage to most of our place due to the parties he threw when I was in the hosptal for a month. My place hasnt been the same since. The disrepect and stomping on my values..his anger..I walked around him on eggs till I realized that `I` was the one that had to change for both of us. But this sure isnt easy. If I saw another way that would help I'd sure pick that one. With parenting, even though your sure you're doing the right thing there's alway thev oice in your head.." but what if?" I know that regarsless of the circumstance.. I dont think a bond can be unbonded..can it? Im willing to believe this will pass and bring us closer some day...please

Kim - posted on 08/18/2012

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Thank you for your response. To tell the truth I havent a clue as to how to go about this..what your talking about hits it right on. He doesnt have a clue I think as to where to go next..and I fell I have failed him miserably. I have not prepared him..I,myself, unfortunately and ashamedly wasnt ans am still nit prepared...for life

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Kim - posted on 08/21/2012

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Be his rock..? That's hard. He wont really let me. The rules are no drugs, alcohol, destruction of property, no theft (all of which had already been broken) go to school, look for work, and clean up the house. I dont think these are too much to ask for, but apparently too harsh on him. Im not sure how to be his rock. He has turned away from me. Thanks for sharing though. Maybe I can be a pebble somewhere in this mess.

Alison - posted on 08/21/2012

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Your son is still growing up. Between you it is important to find his strengths. He will have some but needs to find them and develop confidence. It is important to keep communicating. Sometimes you have to accept unaccepta ble behaviour to do so but it is worth that investment. Are your rules reasonable? Do u need so many? Which are the really important rules?
Being a parent is difficult but hang on in and you will b rewarded. You are his rock in life and can show him the way by example.

Francine956 - posted on 08/17/2012

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I can understand your point of view about wanting him to become more responsible as an adult and not supporting his "laziness." however, as a mom of four teenagers, I have to ask if he has always been lazy then how can you expect him to change? Did he follow "the rules" before? If not then how do you expect him to do that now? Have you provided him with the tools to "grow up?" having teenagers is a difficult time for parents, but we can't just expect them to turn in "adults" because they reach that magic age, 18, that suggests they are adults. Each child/teen develops at their own pace, some later than others. I hope you do not feel as though I am placing blame, it is not place to be a judge, however sometimes it takes an outsider to help see patterns.
My suggestion would be to have a sit down family discussion, laying out the "rules" in black and white. Both of you sign them and let him know if he can't abide by them then he will have to move out. The last thing you want to do is build resentment between you both. At least this will show him that you are willing to help him as a new adult, but you also have expectations that come with being an adult. If he decides not to follow through you can feel less guilty and resentful. I know this sounds much easier said than done, but no one ever said parenting is easy. Good luck to you, I hope you both will be able to work this out.

Kim - posted on 08/17/2012

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Thanks for your response to my post and your suggestions. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone.

Chaya - posted on 08/17/2012

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You can legally kick him out, if he refuses to move out on his own, change the locks and put his stuff in storage, if he wants his stuff bad enough, he'll get a job to pay the storage fees.

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