Mother of three girls. Oldest one is 16 1/2, other two 9 & 7. The teenager has lost her mothers trust.

Stephanie - posted on 03/20/2009

Sounds like she has too much freedom. She is 16 but she still need to live by your rules. I have a17 year old thats graduating from school this year & recently lied to us about where she was. She lost her phone, car & got a trip taken away from her. Since she has been grounded I have spent alot of time w/her. Took her shoping for some school clothes. I just tried to talk to her & tried to understand where she was coming from. At the same time I tried to get her to see our point of view. Her freedom is something she earns not just gets. We have gone through this for a long time (since she was 13) but I feel like things are working out now. Just don't give up let her know that you love her but she has to live by your rules.

Joanna - posted on 03/20/2009

Hi Lori. I worked with "troubled" teenage girls for 6 yrs before becoming a stay at home mom. Loved my job but it did make me a little fearful of having a girl. :)

My 13 yr old son was having the same selective hearing and/or reading problem with his cell phone. He wasn't answering calls or texts from me or his stepdad. He told him he would either start answering them or we would take the phone away...you would have thought we threatened to cut off his hand or something! We don't have the problem of selective hearing anymore though.

As far as the trust and lying. Is she lying because she's afraid of how you'll react if she tells the truth? Kids pick up on everything, she could be picking up on you having difficulty finding love in your heart for her. If you felt someone didn't love you, you would go elsewhere for validation and affection wouldn't you? Those teenage years are tough. It's normal for them to start pulling away from you and establish independance, but they still need you.

When I worked with emotionally and behaviorally disturbed teens, one of the most important things was to not "swing" with them. If they got angry and were screaming, yelling, tantruming, being dramatic etc...I needed to stay calm and nonreactive, (It's hard, I know!) When they swung the other way and were excited, hyper, or very depressed I still needed to stay calm, (In professional terms we called it a flat affect.) Have firm, consistant boundaries and limits. Use natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence of her not answering her phone is that you lose trust in her and a logical consequence is you take the phone away until she earns the privilage back. Then you should give her the opportunity though to earn the trust back and help establish ways in which she can earn the privilage of the phone back.

It's important to stay open and try not to shut her out. Maybe you both need to go to family counseling? She needs a parent and I'm sure you don't want to lose your daughter. There could be a lot going on in her life that you're unaware of but that she really needs guidance with.

Good luck and hang in there. Your feelings are normal...unfortunately your dauther's behavior is pretty normal for a teenage girl.

Beverly - posted on 03/19/2009

Know exactly what you mean...my daughter who is now almost 18 started being like this when she was 12 and it has only gotten worse. She has now moved into my parents. She is great with them, has respect, helps around the house, you name it she does it. If she comes home she treats me horrible, never a nice word to say no matter how nice I am to her. She is mean to her younger brother and treats him like dirt. She has called me names and has hit me. We tried the punishing thing and then she just rebels more. If I had an answer for you I would so help. Its sad when you feel that way about your kid. If I ever treated my parents the way that she treats me, I sure wouldn't be here today.....wonder where we went wrong. Best of luck!!

Vicki - posted on 03/19/2009

ok...nows the time to open up the doors of communication. Talk to her on her level, dont freak out and start yelling and over reacting. Hear her out...let her speak, listen to what she has to say. Trust me, I went through the same thing with my oldest and i am goin through it with my 15 year old. You don not want to push them away, u want them to feel like u understand them...if they feel threatened or scared in anyway, they will run away. You have to get in2 their heads and find out whats really goin on...maybe she doesnt like home for some reason. remember, u love ur kids unconditionally. maybe you need counseling, there could be alotta things...i dunno cuz i do not live in ur household. But my advice to you is to listen, be understanding, but stern in the same sense.

Kimmie - posted on 03/18/2009

I know exactly how you feel... I have a 15 yr old son and I cant trust him or believe a word he tells me either... I just recently found out he is smoking and it is about to kill me... he comes home smelling like cigarettes and he claims he hasnt been, but of course i know better.... I quit smoking almost 3 yrs ago so I am so against smoking period.. My son is also mean to his brother and he just cant seem to be nice to him for nothing and he bosses him around like he is in charge and he is just to rough with him.. He is a real bully to him.. I wish you all the best of luck..Hopefully this is a phase they are going through..

Shelly - posted on 03/18/2009

Lori,

  She is a teenage girl and welcome to our world.  You need to clearly put your foot down take the phone, take the privilage of freedom, the privilage of friends, the privilage of privacy take her bedroom door off the hinges, take the privilage of computer tome...are you catching the thyme here if she wants to act like a spoiled rotten brat then you treat her like one if she wants to act like a two year old treat her like one...I would lay her close out for her and thats what she would wear for the day.  I would make her go to bed earlier than the other two a I would stick to it...Stay consistant don't waver yes it will be hard but stick to it!!!