My 11 year old daughter has a serious crush on another girl

2girlsmom - posted on 09/09/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Towards the end of summer, my dd decided to tell 3 of her friends about a serious crush she has on another girl from school. She just started 6th grade and has since told many others about her crush and even told the girl herself about it. I am very shocked by this. I feel I must say, that due to my own ignorance, for which I will never forgive myself, my dd was exposed to alot of crap on the internet this summer and even engaged in some online "chats" with supposed gays. I was monitoring her account to some extent but uncovered a whole bunch of stuff that I am just still in shock about. She now has no access to much of anything on the internet - no email, no youtube, etc and I watch her very carefully. I have talked with her about all of this and have apologized for having allowed this to happen. I have also told her that she is too young to be pursuing any type of relationships. However, I know that she is still fantasizing about this girl and I am really worried about it and what it will do to her reputation. The school counselor is aware of the situation. The problem is, my dd doesn't seem to be bothered at all. She is actually pretty immature in many ways but omg, I don't know what to do about this. Any suggestions would be most helpful.

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Char - posted on 09/26/2012

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Just went throught this with my tween (12). We are a Christian family with Christian values but my tween's declaration of bisexuality didn't bother me. In our case, my tween (niece) is struggling with puberty, parental abandonment (maternal) and low self esteem. When my tween started talking about being bisexual a few weeks ago, I didn’t freak out over the announcement. I focused on the fact that she is only twelve and too young to date. She was told that house rules for her and her siblings state dating doesn’t start until high school (age 14 – and this is only group outings). Her stated sexual preference was not mentioned at all and anytime she lamented the fact she couldn’t be with her girlfriend, I’d state she couldn’t date until high school, but could be friends with whomever she chose, and since she was too young for sex, her relationship with said friend would remain as it ever had. She spent about a week fantasizing about this girl, bought her a gift. Then she came home from school and stated that her “girlfriend” had broken up with her. I comforted her and said I was there to talk or would leave her alone if she needed some "wallow" time. She chose wallowing. For about thirty minutes. Then came out of her room and asked what was for dinner. My tween didn’t seem to care much, even seemed a bit relieved. I learned a few days after this that all the girls in my tween’s group had “gone bi” and had done a “break up with your girlfriend” day.



Right now at my tween’s school it is all the rage for the kids to go “bi.” Back when I was a kid, the boy who dyed his hair green or the girl with her ears pierced six times were the ones being edgy and “different.” Piercings, strange hair colors and even tattoos are the norm these days. Kids are trying more shocking methods to stand out and be individual.



I too closely monitor my kids' online activities because they're young and impressionable. They are allowed only thirty minutes a day unless needed to go online for homework.



I feel that as she works out her abandonment issues and works on self esteem, she will be better equipped to make a decision about her dating life and sexuality. This is a politically incorrect statement, but at this point, my tween went for the person who gave her the most attention. This had nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with the fact that this person provided my tween with the attention/validation that she felt she lacked (in the social setting). I believe that my boy-crazy-since-kinder tween is at a chunky, awkward stage and doesn't feel pretty, and is not getting the attention she'd like from the boys. She would have been over-the-moon for anyone providing her with such attention. She's now back to talking about her newest crush who just so happens to be a boy.



Whether or not my tween ultimately is bisexual, she's too young to date and I'll keep her safe from society and herself as best as I can.

Maddelene - posted on 09/25/2012

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and JuLeah, kids need their space. if they can't be alone at home, they'll do what they want at school, or a friends place, et cetera - we kids arever resourceful, trust me. and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know about our bodies and our feelings... how else are we supposed to learn about stuff like sex and homosexuality?

Maddelene - posted on 09/25/2012

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and anyone who doesn't like bisexuality, don't be judgemental about others. with all due respect to religious people, there is nothing wrong with your feelings. being gay or lesbian, or having gay or lesbian feelings, is totally normal. the idea that that is a sin, in my opinion, is very stereotypical and narrow-mined. you should be honest about how you feel and who you are. again, no offence meant.

Maddelene - posted on 09/25/2012

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ok, the best thing you can do is back off. i'm 13 and i know that young people do NOT LIKE TALKING TO THEIR PARENTS ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS! my mum smothers me and it only makes me more angry at her. unless you have a problem with lesbians or gays then there's no problem. let her work through any issues on her own, and no matter what you do, DO NOT MAKE HER TALK TO THE COUNCELLOR! i hate therapists, and most other kids do to - we do not want people thinking we're crazy! about any cyber-bulying, do not punish your daughter for this, it's not her fault. also do not moniter her internet usage or limit her internet time, that will make her want to go on the internet and she'll try to find ways around you. even if she looks up stuff you might consider 'weird', there is nothing wrong with curiousity. and about her age... do NOT tell her she is too young, that will make her want to date more... and as long as she isn't doing anything innapropriate, there shouldn't really be a problem. also kids are often underestimated. she probably already knows about sex, how it works, et cetera... we're not babies, so you adults shouldn't treat us like we are. mainly, just keeping an open mind is important, and giving her some space. it may be just a passing crush. if she wants to talk to you then great, but remember that kids find discussing their sexuality and stuff like that very awkward with their parents... well i certainly do, anyway... if she has any sisters, try to get her to talk to them. i am very close to my sister though she is 3 years younger and it is much easier to relate to a sibling than to a parent - i speak from personal experience. about her reputation - just ask her to maybe stop telling everyone and tone it down a little. but unless you are ashamed of her, if she isn't worried about her rep. thn you shouldn't be either. if she is teased, however, try to talk to her about it. just relax and let this crush run it's course. smothering her is the worst possible thing you can do right now, i cannot stress this enough. it will cause rebelliousness and resentment at being told what to do. sorry the advice was so general.



i hope this helps.

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Well I am 11, and though I've never had a crush, boy or girl, I understand this is the age kids get boyfriends and girlfriends. My friend is 12 and has had about 7 boyfriends. We 11 year olds are just now finding out who we are. It could mean your daughter likes other girls or is just experimenting. Talk to her about it. That's all you can do.

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2girlsmom - posted on 10/03/2012

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Oh my! I was quite surprised to see these responses here a year later! I so appreciate you all taking the time to give me your perspectives and advise. It's been a roller coaster year and I definitely feel that we are at the bottom once again. It is late and I have to work tomorrow but just wanted to drop in and let you all know that I will be writing again soon about my daughter's recent foray into creative, and very disturbing, writing. Wow, I don't know how this is happening. Thanks again for listening and responding.

LISA - posted on 10/03/2012

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2girlsmom, your post has my mind racing. I have a 12 year old daughter who is noticing boys a lot, she will mention to me if a boy's cute, who she likes at school etc. I hope I give her the best advice & I always tell her she is beautiful inside and out and she must be careful of advances and declarations that males and females may make to her. She's been on the internet, supervised, and I see her posts, typical teenager stuff (pre-teen). But I am not overwhelmed, freaking out about what she tells me. This generation of teens know a lot more than we did when we were their age (I'll be 44 next week) and they are more educated and I feel at times more ignorant to the evils the world brings to easily to their grasp. I keep my lines of communication open with her and my 17 YO son always. If either of them told me, "mom, I have a crush on this guy/girl, respectively" I would not be shocked but I would guide them to the proper resources so that they make educated choices that will keep them safe and happy. Gay, straight, bi, these are labels society has placed on us. Who we decide to crush on, like, love, that is in our hearts. My interpretation of your post is that you fear your daughter may be a lesbian and you're afraid of what her classmates, friends, teachers, everyone you know will say behind your back and even to you directly. Help her, guide her, most of all remind her how much you love her no matter what. If she's looking on the internet and chatting w/strangers it may be because she feels she has no one else to turn to for one reason or another. Yes, she's too young to date but you can't stop her from going through puberty and discovering who she truly is. Do not push her to become what you want her to be but help her find who she truly is. Take it from me, you don't want DD living a lie and waking up later in life to realize she did what was expected of her and not what truly made her happy. Good luck!

Tysie - posted on 09/14/2011

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@Tina: I can understand where you are coming from but trust me at the age of 11 years old in this society children know exactly what a "friend" is and what having a crush means. The problem with some people in society today is their to busy worrying about what the next person is going to say, or how the next person is going to feel. Your life doesn't revolve around "other people" because they are going to have their opinion anyway so life should indeed go on. I get what you are saying as far as her feelings might be somewhat confused but if you could only see how some kids are at this age when they are at school away from their parents I think you'd be just as shocked as the woman who wrote this post. I have volunteered at lower, upper, and jr. high schools for I am and have been a single stay at home mother all of my life (im disabled) and now i am in college so I dont go as often but the child you see walking around your home is not the same child that walks into the halls of her school where mother is no where around...

Tysie - posted on 09/14/2011

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Okay, 2girlsmom I have read your story/question and I have read the comments and your response and for some reason you keep mentioning the fact that she has been on the internet searching and reading upon things that has to do with being gay and the lesbian lifestyle. I am beginning to believe that you think the internet has brain washed your daughter into being gay. Well sweetheart I hate to be the barrel of bad news but the reason your daughter went online to research these particular things is due to the sexual feelings she was more than likely having towards females and instead of coming to you she felt the need to figure this out on her own. I agree with you when you say that she is indeed to young to date for 11 years of age is to young but you have to also realize that we are in the year of 2011 (which might I add is almost over) and children these days are just simply a lot different than they were back in the day when I was younger. I am 34 years of age and I started having sexual feelings and touching on other female friends of mine when I was 9 years of age wayy younger than your daughter but due to society and my parents of course I didn't come out the closet as a bisexual young woman until I was 30 years of age thanks to a friend of mine who made me realize that my parents was controlling my happiness in a sense and they could be dead and gone and I'll still be living my life to make them happy instead of making myself happy. Granted I don't date women I am engaged to a wonderful man and I don't deal with women at all and its not because I don't still have attractions to them because I do I just am a true believer in God and I know within my heart of hearts that being gay is not something that I am for certain is accepted in his eyes. Even though my parents taught me that God will love you as you are I don't want to do anything to not get my blessings. It could indeed be just a phase that your daughter is going through but let me tell you this keeping her from the internet and watching her like a hawk is only going to make her want that female or other females even more. I had this same conversation with a friend of mine and her daughter when she was in the 5th grade and now her daughter is 10th and is 16 and is a full fledge lesbian young woman if this is the lifestyle that your daughter choses to take there is nothing you can do to stop that and the reason why she isn't bothered by the things that are being said or done behind her back or to her face is because I am going to assume is that YOU as her mother have ( and her father if in the picture) raised her to the point of having very high self esteem in herself and the confidence in herself to not allow the negative things that are said about her bother her. You may look at your daughter as the sweet and lovable young girl you have raised as a baby but I can PROMISE you when she is at school amongst her friends she is a child that you would not recognize. Most children will never show their true self to their parents for they are just wired that way. I feel that I need to protect my son at all cost and he is 16 but he is very slim but I have seen him with his friends and I have heard him talk to students of his age group and I can tell you that he don't need his mothers protection at all...All you can do for this situation is let your daughter live and give it to God and he will work it out ( if you have faith)...11 years old is when young girls start to change as far as their body is concerned and hormones start to kick in she is/could be just going through the sexual motions at her age but just prepare yourself that this just might be her preference in life...
Many Blessings
Ms. Therapy

JuLeah - posted on 09/10/2011

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Well, age 11 is when many kids get their first crush, so she is right on track for that



I don't think children should ever have unsupervised access to the net - ever



You say your daughter is not bothered by it at all ... by what would she be bothered?



I agree she is too young for a relationship... 11 is too young to date - good on ya



Her reputation? Not sure I get that ... most of her friends also have a crush on someone, are giggling about someone ... it is kind of what they do at this age ... I am not sure what you fear will happen? In six months, I bet she has a crush on someone else ...



When I was 11 I had a HUGE crush on Jodie Foster OMG - still do actually. I believe to this day the only real obstacle for us is that she doesn't know I am alive



It is normal for 11 yr olds to crush and giggle about said crush ... later comes the (kind of) dating ... texting, talking, notes ... then actual dating ... so many many important lesson learned in these steps, about who you are, what you want, how to be assertive ... how to break up, say no, say yes .... critical lessons



Youth who are gay, often don't start this process till much later in life - because their parents would kill them, or shame them, or kick them out .... it makes the 20's hard, college harder ... many things harder then they need to be



So, good on ya too for understanding the real issue here is her age (too young to date) and not shaming her, killing her, beating her ... you would NOT believe the things done by parents -



I knew by the time I was 9 that I was gay - and no, I had no net. I had no one to talk to. I felt a lot of shame and guilt, because I knew how my parents felt ... your kid is lucky

2girlsmom - posted on 09/10/2011

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Thank you for your response. I have definitely sat with my dd and explained that what she thinks is fine to say/talk about will make others uncomfortable. There was already a mom who called the school because she knew about the crush on another girl (not her dd). My dd just doesn't seem to get it. In fact, I was reading her journal where she said that someone put a note on another girl's locker saying that my dd had a crush on this other girl. My dd didn't seem bothered by it. This is really all so bizarre, there is no other word for it. My god, she is just 11 and so young in so many ways , you would never expect what I am reading in her journal. She is talking about girls and there seems to be new ones all the time that she thinks are cute and she even mentioned wanting to "have sex" with her main crush, though she said that she felt she was too young to have sex until she was at least in her 20's! My only prayer is that, again, I emphasize that she spent alot of time on the computer this summer and due to my ignorance, she was looking at alot of sexually suggestive stuff involving lesbians. Most of it was masked in these japanese anime cartoons. Then she ended up friending/chatting with some on-line people a couple of times. This has me so torn up that some days it is hard to get through without bursting into tears. Today, my husband and I sat down with her and her sister and discussed all of it again. We are not emphasizing the lesbian part at all, just saying that she is too young to be pursuing any relationship and needs to just focus on other goals in her life. She seems great about it and then I read her journal tonite and she mentions that while we were at a family party today, she noticed a cute blonde girl....My only hope is that because her brain was flooded with alot of porn/gay/sex stuff and that since all access has now been removed, that her thoughts may be more intense for awhile before they can begin to dissipate. I am making an appt for a counselor for myself to help me learn to cope with this so that I can make it through to whatever happens. Thanks for listening. God knows this is not a conversation I can have with the other moms in the car pool!

Tina - posted on 09/10/2011

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Well first I am going to say that what an 11 year old thinks is a romantic crush and what actually is can be two very different things. Sit her (and maybe this girl) down and talk to her about how her choices have negative affects on other people. If you choose to have this other young lady there, have her explain to your DD how she feels about her. Just a guess here but I think your daughter is looking for a friend more than anything and at 11 our minds can get distorted views on what that is.

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