My 12 year old daughter wants to live with her dad

Stacy - posted on 07/07/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My 12 year old daughter decided she doesn't want to live with her step father and I because she thinks we are unfair about our rules. Her biological father tried to make the children believe he shot and killed himself last year, and DHS had me do a safety plan and eliminate visitation with him until he could cooperate with them. I did just that for the safety of the children. For 9 months the kids had no contact with him and developed a close relationship with their step-father. Then the biological father tried to disestablish paternity on my oldest child. He then dropped that case and is now trying to get custody. He has got his visitation rights back and is making promises to buy the children things I will not, because I don't feel they deem approperiate for the children. In the 9 months of no contact with their father the kids on numerous occasions stated to DHS that they were glad they did not have to see their father anymore because he was an alcoholic. Why did this all change in the past few months?

I have two sons with him as well, and neither of the boys want to live with him. They have both stated several times that he only pays attention to her and buys her whatever she wants. My oldest son has stated he only takes her to do things and doesn't ask the boys if they want to go or if there is something they want or need.

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Carol - posted on 07/25/2010

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So sorry to hear about your situation. The good news is that most judges will opt to keep children in a family together, and if the boys (are they older?), feel they should be with you, that will strengthen your case. Many judges/states also believe 12-years-old is too young to determine what is best for yourself, and that it is an age when you can be very easily influenced by material possessions. Good luck! Please keep us posted.

[deleted account]

She is most likely saying this to get your goat. She is hoping you will cave in and give her what she wants. Stand strong and don't let her get away with it. Teenage girls can be spiteful and vindictive, while she loves you she is mad at you and saying things specifically to hurt you to get what she wants. She really doesn't want to live with him. You could always tell her "okay" and see what she says. I bet she would change her tune. However, don't really let her go. He sounds like a terrible father.

[deleted account]

Stacy, that is not a good update at all. Are you documenting everything? You need to be, because he is a neglectful dangerous person. The more yo document the better your case will look when/if you have to call CPS. Please tell me you took pictures of the poison ivy and bug bites? That therre is proof of unsanitary conditions and neglect (for not taking him to the doctor). What kind of visitation order do you have? Is it mandated by the courts that the children have to go there? Look into a getting a temporary emergency sole custody order or monitored visits with a court liason. A 12 year old has no business with a boy thats almost 16, I would be at that kids parents house telling them to keep their son away from your daughter. Don't go all ghetto, just explain to them that your daughter is 12 and tthat there son is way to old to be making out with her.

Don't bother talking to the ex, he is going to disagree with you about everything. He is bitter and well, F***ing Stupid, to be blunt. And any father that thinks it's ok for his 12 yr old to date anyone, doesnt really care about his daughter. I have yet to meet a father that wants their daughter dating at all.

How old are your boys? Are they old enough to say I dont want to go there? Once they become teenagers the judge will listen to them and if they dont want to go there the judge wont make them.

In most states recording people on video in a public place is legal, it doesnt violate any rights to privacy laws because there in no expectaion of privacy in public settings. So start recording drop offs and pick ups, when you pick up your kids or he drops them off, have that camcorder in hand and when your kids pull up with bites, bruises and rashes, you have his explanations on flim. If he asks why your filming, say yuor capturing your childrens childhood, or have the camera on but yucked under your arm like your just holding it. Just because your not holding it up, doesnt mean anything, public place, no expetation of privacy. Get as much doncumneted as possible and take his sorry ass to court. Otherwise your daughters teen years are going to be a total nightmare.

This is a real horrible situation your ex is creating and I am truly sorry that you have to deal with this.

[deleted account]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. It's hard enough being a parent without someone throwing a monkey wrench into the mix.

I have had 4 step-moms and a couple step-dads. I am now a step-mom and I learned from them what not to do, they are referred to as step-monsters.

Now a daughters yearn to be a daddys girl, they usually go through life doing everything they can to please there daddy. It shapes the type of men they have relationships with whe they are adults. It sounds like your ex has manipulated her and given in to every indulgence so that she will like him better than your and your husband. A very selfish thing to do. The problem is, she is always going to side with her daddy over her step daddy, stepp dads power is now gone. There are a few things you can do to help heal this problem and one is therapy, your daughter is just as cinfused as you are, she need someone on the outside to talk to and help her see what the real picture is. Second, sdoes step-dad spend any alone time or bonding time with your daughter? If they have no bonded on that level, they need to. Thats not shopping either, not gifts, time together finding a hobby they can do together. Same with the boys, you dont want them feeling anymore left out then they already do (were their bio-dad is concerned). Obviously your ex cant be reasoned with, if somehow he could be shown how destructive his behavior is to his daughter, that would be great but since that wont happen, she will need to see that on her own and she will.

I know your in a really tough spot, it's scarey and hurtful that your daughter wants to break away, but remember it's not that she doesnt love you, she is just confused and doesn realize her dad is in it to hurt you not care for her. To her she is promised a free ride, no rules and all the fun she can handle, what she doesnt realize is once she is there for awhile daddy isn't going to be so leanient and giving.

Good Luck to you and your family, I hope you find a solution very soon.

Ellen - posted on 07/10/2010

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I think you should seek help from a counselor on how to sit your daughter down and tell her, without bashing her father, why living with him is not possible. From what you say about him, he sounds unstable and I would fear for her safety. Girls want to be close to their dads and he is buying her affection. She is going to have to learn for herself about her father. If you try to keep her from her father, she will resent you and you will push her right to her father. You need to get help from a counselor that is familiar with these circumstances and you might want to get DHS involved again. You should probably contact a lawyer also and find out what your rights are.

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Sherry - posted on 03/05/2013

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I have a few worries here. He has tried to make the kids believe he killed himself, he's an alcoholic, and he's buying the daughter things....anything she wants. I would be worried that in a drunken stupor he may try to "do" things to her. He is definitely unstable and I would be making DHS tell you why he is all of a sudden allowed all these liberties? Unfortunately, the daughter has times during the day to be in contact with him and doing anything to prevent her will only cause her to do it behind your back. I'd be torn. I had this sort of issue when my girls were growing up. I did the best I could by my daughters. I had to hope they would see through any attempts at bribing them.

Mariah - posted on 02/25/2013

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well it depends because i was that like that myself i wanted to live with my dad because i didnt see him but seh has to know that her dad is not a girl and when she need to have a girl to girl talk her dad cant be there just make sure that when you are in front of them to talk bad about them it just make them want to go will them more and the rules just make sure that you dont g to hard on them you got to think it your kids not his

Stacy - posted on 08/24/2010

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Update: I have taken my daughter to see a counsler. She has also seen a psychiatrist and been placed on medication. The doctor has told me that Courtnie is stressed about the court situation and is not really sure what she needs to do. She is affraid of hurting her dad. The doctor told me that she isn't affraid of hurting me cause she thinks I am strong enough to move on if she goes. I have not spoke to my daughter about court or anything that pertains to it. I am wondering why she is so stressed over it. I just want her to be happy and healthy. I think she is doing very well with this new medication. One thing that still worries me is that I was looking for the chapstick she asked to use from me yesterday and found two condoms in her purse. She is 12 years old and knows how I feel. Her doctor and I talked about this the other day. We discussed about her not being supervised at her fathers home, she asked me if I was affraid that she would come home from a weekend visit and be pregnant. I told her that yes I am very scared of that. What should I do, should I ask my daughter about this?

Zatonda - posted on 08/03/2010

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The best thing is for both parents to get along in this situtation, I agree with Ellen, the child will see as she get older which parent cause more of the problem. At 12 I'm not really sure, but you and her father could work on being friends and she may find that your both are good parents if she see that you are both get along. she would then enjoy both of you. I wish you luck

Ellen - posted on 07/30/2010

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Tell your daughter you understand if she does not want to talk to you and let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to open up. Do not speak badly of her father at all. Leave him out of it. Document everything and ask your lawyer about getting supervised visitation because your are very concerned for the physical and mental well being of your children. Make sure your daughter's counselor knows the situation so your daughter doesn't pull the wool over the counselor's eyes like my daughter has done. Stay strong and be the role model that your kids need. And keep us updated!

Carol - posted on 07/26/2010

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Hi Stacy,

The financial declaration forms are pretty standard. Just fill them out as accurately as you can, trying to remember to include everything (and saving notes to yourself about how you came up with the numbers, to remind yourself if they question anything). As for your daughter, having her in counseling is a great start. You also want to try not to make her feel she's in the middle of the dispute (even though she's involved), so not discussing it with her is probably a good thing. Lots of unconditional love and doing your best to listen to her if she does open up will help, too. Good luck!

Stacy - posted on 07/26/2010

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Update: There is a trial date set for April 2011. My lawyer is determined to set it straight with him. I have all these questions I have to answer for his attorney. Questions that I feel are way out there, right down to what I spend in transportation. I know these are just questions that they feel will back me into a corner. But, I will fill them all out honestly. At least one of us knows what the true meaning of that word is. My daughter is more confused than she has ever been. I got her seeing a counsler now. She will not even talk to me about the situation, she won't tell me what she wants anymore. Should I be concerned or just give her space to figure it all out??

Stacy - posted on 07/25/2010

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Update: I was served custody papers. He is taking me to court to try and get custody of the three kids. The boys told him they do not want to live with him. The kids have their own attorney, and the boys told her they want to live with their step-father and I. She on the other hand has wrote a letter to the judge for her dad. The boys are telling me everything about what is happening. The last weekend they were there, he took my daughter to eat breakfast at 6 in the morning without waking my boys. When they returned my boys were awake. My youngest asked what was for breakfast, and she laughed at him. He told them they should have been up. Hence they didn't get breakfast.

Gena - posted on 07/24/2010

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There is no way I would allow my daughter (if I had one) live with this man..Just because he is her biological parent does not make him a FATHER !! My mom & dad divorced when I was 2. When I turned 14 & we decided to move back to state where my family & him lived he promised me so many things. HE NEVER FOLLOWED through on ANY of them..This man does not sound stable & if I were you I would listen to my sons. No way does she need to go & live with him..You & your husband need to just sit down & talk with her and maybe you can come up with some rules that both you & her can live with. There is always room for change on some things..not all..but some. A good heart to heart seems like the best thing right now. Or maybe seeing a counselor might help..at least it can't hurt. If you go to church alot of them have christian counselors and I find that to be very helpful..Good luck

Stacy - posted on 07/15/2010

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I'm not liking this situation even more now. My oldest son sleeps in the garage at his dad's, he came back with bug bites all over his body. He told me that the garage flooded and the carpet was soaked so his dad left the big garage door open to air it out all night while my son was sleeping. My youngest son came back with poison ivy so bad that when I took him to the ER they thought he had gotten burned very badly, and his father did not take him to the doctor and he had it for a week. To top it all off my daughter, 12years old, comes home and she has a boyfriend from there that is almost 16 and her dad doesn't care. She got mad at me because she thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. My oldest son caught her and her new boyfriend making out at the pool. What do I do??? I love my kids and this is not what I want for them.

Vonkisha - posted on 07/10/2010

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LET HER GO LIVE WITH HIM.... AND U JUST LOVE HER ... IT MIGHT MAKE YA'LL RELATIONSHIP STRONGER..

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