My 13 year old son has a girl friend for 6 months. Both side of the parent just find out and we all do not agree and try to stop this. He is confused and how can I help him ?

Lizzielucas - posted on 07/25/2012

holding hands!!! wow PDA there! this is stupid. a baby has a strong connection to a teddy bear, of coarse a 13 year old can have a connection with another child! it may not be love but if hes happy you must be. also by making their "love" a forbidden fruit it makes it more appealing just talk it out with your son, ask why he likes her, you will probably see he enjoys her company and there's nothing wrong with that! a girl-friend, is literally what it says, its just someone of the opposite sex that he likes, its human nature. on the grade side of it, tell him if they don't improve there ill be trouble, explain how much more important a future is then someone he currently likes, and try to get him to prioritize school then his friends (girlfriend)

Hope - posted on 07/25/2012

Chaya, your dad sounds exactly like mine!

Hope - posted on 07/25/2012

I can see you have a problem with this, but here's the bigger problem you must realize: teenagers this generation are doing things you didn't do growing up. You basically can't control who your boy dates, neither can the girl's father because clearly they're doing it anyways! Besides, how do you know they won't eventually get sick of one another? If it's the grades you're worried about then sit down with him and discuss why you think he should focus more on his school work. I would say NOTHING about this relationship because that will make him defensive and get further away from resolving ultimately the most important thing: his future. Those grades determine a lot, his personal relationships really don't.

Tammy - posted on 07/18/2012

My suggestion is try to keep his mind on something else if possible. My daughter is 16 and we just went through pretty much the same thing. I had to just keep her busy and her mind on other people and things. But let me remind you, don't constantly talk bad about the girl because that just pushes them right to that person. Just try not to talk about her at all if possible. Good Luck! It can get better. :)

Mercy - posted on 07/11/2012

Lia,

I truly respect your Christian point of view on this matter. But I also disagree On it. I grew up in a Christian home and my father used to lock the doors when I was 18 so nobody could visit me and my sister. I wasn't t allow to have a boyfriend. Thanks God, I didn't fall into bad steps when I had the chance to sneak out of the house to feel having a little bit of freedom. Although he was wrong, thing that I always knew and I never ever intend to copy and use it with my own teenage children now, I knew he wanted to protect me. Let me tell you I absolutely think there is not such a thing that waiting to date till you are ready for a partner. This sounds way too strict, thus unrealistic, which can be strongly encouraging for teens to do things behind our backs. I will never ever do with my children what my father used to do with me. I instead protect them letting them know that I understand their normal feelings at this age of liking someone, but overall, I make sure I educate them and set boundaries, and trust them. Samantha's post is a beautiful example on a teens perspective.

Again, I respect your point of view but firmly think: llets be realistic.

Mercy - posted on 07/11/2012

Absolutely agree!

Mercy - posted on 07/11/2012

Samantha,
First of all, I have to praise you for your post and willingness to tell from your perspectives as a teen. I think your words are very smart and I personally agree with you on everything you have said. Mostly, I believe this tells everything when you state that as parents we gotta be open minded to our teens and understand their feelings, or they will do it behind our backs. Thanks for sharing your personal experience and I am glad to hear that your mom took actions that pleased you and her and that you are able to realize that what she did was right.

Miriam - posted on 07/08/2012

I think that the more you tell kids not to do something the more they're going to want to do it. Talk to them and let be boyfriend & girlfriend but give strict rules. If they keep up their grades they can date if they don't then they can't see each other. I mean if their in school together so they will "see" each other. If they are texting at night, then take their phone away at a certain hour or at bed time and keep it with you. If he has a computer in his room, get it out of there and let him know that if those grades don't go up then he can't have a phone or access to the computer unless he needs it for school.

Judy - posted on 07/08/2012

Hi Samantha,

Thanks for your comment. I will definitely consider your suggestion if the current situation does not improve. You are very mature and glad you understand why your mom is doing all this to you and you will thank her in the future,

Samantha - posted on 07/08/2012

Hi- I just wanted to reply to this to give a different point of view. Im not a parent, I'm a 14 year old girl.

At the beginning of 7th grade I got into a relationship with a boy named Jack. He was super sweet and i really liked him. Unlike most middle school relationships, Jack and I ended up dating for about a year. We had a very committed, mature relationship.

Jack and I always snuck a kiss in the hallway during lunch, and held hands after school. This is all normal behavior for kids my age. I don't believe that 13 is too young to be in a relationship, as long as you are able to set boundaries with what you do and do not want to have happen in the relationship.

For example, my parents always made sure to come downstairs and "check" on us whenever he was over. They also told me that if I didn't keep my grades up to their standards, the relationship was off. Lastly, my mom set the tone with me about what she was and wasn't comfortable with me doing sexually.

I really appreciated the fact that my mom was so open about me dating this guy. It made me want to respect her wishes and I gained a lot of trust in her. I found that I was more willing to follow her rules for my relationship because she had been so respectful of the fact that I was dating.

One of the points that I would like to make is, if you are not open minded with your kids dating, they will go behind your back and do it anyway, because at our age we are driven by our emotions. I know things happened at different rates when you were my age, but in our generation, 13 is when things like kissing and hand holding starts to happen. Its all natural.

as for the non stop talking/ texting, I did that too. I would pretend to be doing my homework while waiting for Jack to go on Facebook. At first, I had the constant urge to talk to him, but it calmed down as our relationship went on. The most effective thing my parents did to manage this was take my phone and mouse away while I was doing homework. I had a set time that i was allowed to have my electronics, which was from 8-10, as long as my homework was done. this motivated me to finish my school work that way i could talk to my boyfriend.

I gained a lot out of my relationship, as did Jack. I just wanted to write this to give you a teenagers point of view. Hope this helps!

Shawnn - posted on 07/06/2012

No, Lia, I'm not offended. You have your opinion, and I have mine :-) No offense taken, nor meant.

I truly am curious about your sources, which is why I asked. If you'd provide those, I'd appreciate that, because the Christianity that I was raised in did not observe those customs.

Lia - posted on 07/06/2012

excuse me shawnn I have no intent on offending you or anyone...just my thoughts on the subject

Shawnn - posted on 07/06/2012

I beg to differ on "christian" perspective...Lia, I was raised christian as well, and we had no such restrictions, covenants, or anything else...and I don't know of any christian religion (in the US, that is) that "bans" tweens and teens from having relationships.



So, I'd be curious as to which christian religion you're referring to, and whether or not you could provide links for your sources? I've been over my Bible, front to back, back to front, and even upside down, and didn't find any such restrictions as you're stating..."holding hands not allowed" "dating should only be ventured when ready for a life partner"



So, please, let us know your sources! I'm truly curious, because IMO, your approach would be extremely heavy handed, and definitely terms for rebellion in most households that I know.



We encourage our kids from a young age that hugs are better than hits, that affection is better than hatred, and that everyone should be treated the same, regardless of sex, skin color, disability, etc, but when it comes time for you to encourage a more adult attitude, and gently guide them into how to handle adult relationships, you would abolish any and all contact? Would you also require the female child to wear a full body, face,and hair cover, so as not to "tempt" the male?

Chaya - posted on 07/06/2012

I'm not a person to comment on how old a child should be before they have a sweetheart, but if you try to force them apart, you'd be doing exactly the opposite. I was 13 once, if my dad didn't like my friends, boyfriends, or people I babysat for, he insisted all entertaining was done at his place. He kept an eye on us and found out that my choices weren't always bad.

Lia - posted on 07/06/2012

well from a christian perspective...just explain to the child that dating should be reserved or only ventured when the child is ready for a life partner. Dating outside of these covenants should be just friendly things. Holding hands should not be allowed and the texting or whatnot should be limited and controlled. Yes, this is perhaps the time span when the emotions start developing and confusion steps in but the parent is still in control and may set guidelines. Holding hands even sets the confort level between the boy and girl that says "this is acceptable, lets see where else we can go with this" and before you know it the children will be walking the line towards parent-hood...which is alot of responsibility. The children should not be kept from eachother but should be given this talk of how they should respect eachother and behave and be allowed to do group things. Outings with the parents are the best, and then the children can learn to have fun, enjoy eachothers - and others company and the studying may just fall into step.

Judy - posted on 07/06/2012

Thanks Mercy. The girl's dad already send a message to my son not to contact her daughter in any way during the last MSN couple days ago. But my son is still trying to send her email to ask her to reply, may be he is thinking the dad did not know. I don't know how to stop him contacting her.... any idea ?

Judy - posted on 07/06/2012

Thanks. I have cancelled all the data and text function on his phone and put a block on it (won't be able to receive and send text and access Internet). So he can only us the phone for emergency call (pay as you go basic plan). As for Internet, we have removed the connection when he is home alone. We even disabled the wifi when we are home as we know that he can use ipod touch to download free text and he can go crazy on his laptop doing msn etc. I have now told him until he finished all work, then he can use our computer for internet (whether face book, email msn etc). Of course, if he goes outside to a coffee shop etc, he can use wifi but at least he won't be able to do that all the time.... there is good and bad about the technology. I certainly agree this generation is very different.

Mercy - posted on 07/05/2012

As Angie has said, there gotta be control on technology. There are ways to do it. Sometimes when my kids for example don't do their chores when they should or even if I feel computer or phones need to be put aside, I simply turn the Internet off or take away the phones. It works so good that I haven't really done this lately. But mind business anoche will know that you really do. I also feel that technology is changing our kids lives but I always tell my kids they have to control it and not let it control them, and if it is the case then it isn't good. The other day we were telling our kids that they are so much on Facebook and that they gotta take a break sometimes and that's they should be able to control it. A half an hour later, my daughter came to me and told me that she has felt guilty of that and better decided to cancel her Facebook. I got so happy and told her how proud I'm of her because of the fact that she realized it and decided what is better for her. You gotta put boundaries on technology or simply gotta take actions. Good luck.

Angie - posted on 07/05/2012

It seems like kids are growing up a lot faster than we did when we were kids; however, I agree that school has to come first and texting day and night does not work in my house. My kids had a phone curfew & if that curfew was not followed, then the phone got taken away. If he has to turn over his phone until his homework is complete, then so be it. Our computer has a password & is kept in an open area. There are ways to control it, and I would definitely be explaining to him that school comes 1st & when you see an improvement on grades, then maybe you can make some changes but right now, he's not balancing his responsibilities and fun...that's why parents are there to insure they do.

Judy - posted on 07/05/2012

Hi Mercy, Thanks for the reply. The big issue is they are totally out of control and texting all day long. Even though he looks like he is studying or doing homework, but actually MSN on computer or texting on the phone with the girl. With the technology nowadays, it is really hard to control....

Mercy - posted on 07/05/2012

It may seem wrong to believe that kids at this age have such a feelings of "firstloves." let's remember who we used to like when we were at that age. I she/he were my kid, I would give her or him the chance to date but under specific rules of guidelines. I have a 13 years old daughter too and if it were my case, I would try to do my very best to support her on this beautiful stage of her live but making sure more important things like school are in first place, and of course talking to her about things And SAFETY would help to let her know thT her feelings are natural and as long as she make rot choices and doesn't brake your trust, things can beautifully work out. I would rather to be aware of what is going on than to have my kid do this behind my back. Don't take me wrong, I'm a strict mother and a teacher too. Good luck!