My 14 year old daughter does not want to live with me

Kristine - posted on 11/16/2008 ( 104 moms have responded )

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I have a 14 year old daughter who has decided that she wants to live with her dad instead of me. I have been remarried for 12 1/2 years. I was very hurt when she told my husband and I this. I suggested to her and her father that we try out a different schedule. We decided that she would spend two weeks with her dad, and two weeks with me. I was trying to be fair. The problem is that after the two weeks with her father, she didn't want to come back home to me. I have sole custody of my daughter and ended up having to call the police to help me get her back. For whatever reason, my custody papers does not allow the police to get her back for me. It's been 3 1/2 months since I have seen my daughter. I miss her very much! I have managed to talk to her on the phone a few times, I email her constantly and I have even suggested that she come home for dinner at the very least but she hasn't been very responsive to any of these things. She has a sister and a brother at home who miss her as well. I know that I could take her father back to court but figure that even if the courts make her come back home, she would either run away or be very miserable and make my husband and two other kids miserable too. I am just not sure as to what to do...I don't want to miss out on her life. I want to be there to share all the milestones with her.

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Chriss - posted on 09/05/2013

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My daughter is 14 and I am sending her to live with her Dad whom she hasn't seen in 10 years. She has always been difficult and never got along with my husband but we did the best we could. We have just been strict with her and she hates that. Her Dad might spoil her at first but he has another family and other kids. Eventually there will be rules and she will see its not always greener on the other side of the fence. It breaks my heart but I think at this stage in her life it's something she needs to see for herself. And I feel it is what God wants.

For those of you who have posted about kids deciding to live with their Dads against your will. At the age if 12-18 most courts will let the kids decide. So to get the cops or courts involved you will just be waiting time and money. My stepdad went through this with his two kids. I would say that although it hurts you have to give your kids that space. Let them know you love them and are there for them but give them your permission to live with the other parent. At first they might get spoiled and have no rules but eventually that gets old. And if they are just doing it to rebel tring to force them to come home might make them more determined to stay. If they know you are okay with them living with their Dad but that they have a home with you when they are ready to come home you take away that power they think they have over you. And if its not a rebellion thing then at least they will know you want what's best for them.

As mothers we sacrifice so much for our kids that when we are called to sacrifice our relationship or time with our kids it feels like it is too much to bear. But they arnt really kids anymore. In a few years they might be going away to college anyway, we are just (in some cases being forced) to let go sooner. But they will always be our children and if we can let them go now they will feel comfortable coming back to us. How does that saying go "if you love something let it go, if it returns to you it is yours if not it was never yours to begin with"?

I wil miss my daughter terribly because we will be on opposite sides of the country with visits far and few between but we will call and Skype. I know she needs this at this stage in her life and I comfort myself with the idea that this us what's best for her right now. And also what God wants. I hope my experience can help you. Everyone's comments have made me feel better knowing I'm not alone in this as well.

Jean - posted on 08/30/2013

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wow. I thought I was the only one with a broke heart.
After raising my daughters for 7 years, 1 year with no support, Dad and his new wife come back to town. they both have 2 good incomes - I don't. they buy my 13 year old daughter anything, get her ears pierced, hair colored, new clothes, whatever she wants. the devastating part, is she does not realize all the sacrifices I have done for her. I have tried to step back and let her go, while still trying to keep in touch. We had a good relationship until they moved back to town and initiated a custody suit - which of course has strained my finances even more.
I see the benefit of having a strong father in a girls life, and have always encouraged my girls to call him, and keep in touch. Although their dad no longer speaks to me, I do not put him down or allow others to disrespect him in our home. However, my kids are drinking the koolaid - the respect does not go both ways.
Do they ever come back? Or do I have to wait until she's 35 and I'm almost dead, to see/enjoy my daughter again?
I guess a plus is that I do not have the moody, beligerant, rude teenager in my face. but oh what i would'nt give to throw my arms around her for an un-responsive hug!

April - posted on 12/03/2013

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I am in the same boat only my daughter is 16 and she also says that she does not want to come back home either. I am having a really hard time with all of this I am loosing sleep and not eating very much. Her thing is that her and my boyfriend that I have been with since she was 1 has been in her life the entire time. And now she does not want to come home because of him bc we will not let her be a teenager at our house and she can be at her dads house which he lets her just run wild and also another reason that she does not want to move back home is because I do not condone her dating the boyfriend that she is with. And she won't even come and visit and part of the reason is because of the Stepmom. And for a really long time the stepmom has wanted to get her in their house so that she could control my daughter more and more and now I just don't know what to do. I love my daughter with all of my heart and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and wish that she would come back home. But I know right now that will not happen bc she has her dad and stepmom that has her so scared of them that if she tells them what she really wants that she is afraid that they will do something. I have everyone even some attorneys telling me to just let her go and live with him and don't really have any contact with her and if she comes and wants something then I am to tell her that she is no longer living under my roof and that I am not responsible to help her out because she choose to live with her father. And now they are trying to take me to court to gain custody of her and get me to pay childsupport. Because he thinks that I owe him something now after 16 years. Also I have been told to write up a few guidelines that I am requesting and take that to their attorney. I am just really having a hard time with all of this because it just feels like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest after 16 years of raising my daughter. And the other sad part is that I would go to every function that she had and dr. appts and I would let him know about them and they would not show up to nothing and now they want everything to do with her. I would like someone to be able to help me through this and help guide me in the right direction. I also have a very loving Boyfriend and a wonderful Bestfriend that has been there with me through all of this and a wonderful family and without all of those support groups of family and friends I don't think that I would have made it this far and been this strong.

Tracy - posted on 08/08/2013

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I am going through this with my 15 year old son. He moved in with his father last year and I miss him so much. I'm not allowing my son to take control anymore of what HE and HIS father wants. I am now making sure I get my son every other weekend if my son likes it or not because I can no longer miss out on his life. My son is a minor and I am so tired of the drama. I will now step up and show them what I want and that is my son.

Shonda - posted on 06/26/2013

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I have experienced this same situation, but as a 13 year old. My parents got divorced when I was about 6. I have a twin sister and a brother who is a year and a half younger than us. We lived with our mom.
My dad was a great dad and my mom was a wonderful mom. But my mom didn't have the patience my dad had. And my dad was fun. I mean he had to be, he only got us every Wednesday from 4 to 8 and every other weekend. So when we were at his house, it was more fun than mom's.
When my sister and I turned 13 we decided to move in with our dad. I was just a kid, I didn't know how much it hurt my mom. I know she didn't want us to go, but she let us. She made sure to call a lot and come get us to go shopping or out to eat. Those shopping trips where we stopped to have lunch became a regular thing. I remember them still.
My mom didn't miss anything. Even though she didn't live with us, she was always a big part of my life.
I realized when my daughters were about 13 that I had to have hurt my mom when I moved in with my dad. Of course I didn't understand that I'd hurt her when I was 13. I was angry, I didn't adjust well when they divorced. I never told them, but they never asked. I called my mom and told her how sorry I was for doing that. I told her it was mostly because dad let us do more than she did. It seemed like it would be fun. She cried. She always thought we moved because she wasn't a good mom. She was an amazing mom. I was just a stupid, angry and confused 13 year old.
Does your daughter use social networks or have a cell phone? Send her messages, either on Facebook or by texting. Tell her you love her, you miss her. Talk to her as much as you can and don't bring up her coming home. Just talk to her and work on building a strong relationship.
I text my daughters throughout the day when they are gone with my sister or when my 18 yr. old doesn't come home for days. I make sure that I stay in contact with them that way.
I know she has no idea that you are hurt. It wasn't until I had a 13 year old daughter that I realized I had hurt my mom. I was pretty troubled when I was that age too. I caused a lot of trouble, and got into a lot of things. My dad turned out to be very good for me during those times. I may have hurt my mom even more if I had done all the things I did then while living with her.
You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Make sure you keep in touch with her and let her know that you love her and are always there for her. Good luck:)

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Kailey Marie - posted on 05/11/2014

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My son did the same thing. He always calls his father when he doesn't get what he wants. My social worker told me to let him go... It was hard but it worked. He stayed at his fathers for a week and when he came back he was so different in a good way. He stopped calling his father when things took a left turn and it worked out. I hope you have a similar situation!

Domninica - posted on 05/02/2014

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@Chriss Siembida, ur post really touched me. Everything you said resonated with how im feeling right now. My daughter just turned 15 and wants to go live with her dad, ive been fighting this request for so long, and its starting to start turmoil in my home with my current husband and child. I now realize I have to let her go...so glad I found this post. Thanks again.

Jean - posted on 02/15/2014

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I do know what you are feeling. The only advice I have is let her know you love her, then let her go. When my daughter left, I held my bible and begged god to send me the right message. It has over 2000 pages, I closed eyes, opened it randomly, spiralled my finger doen onto a page and opened my eyes. Of all the passeges in the bible, I put my finger on Solomon, the two women both claiming one baby. He was going to cut the baby in half, until the real mom said NO, let the other woman have baby. Of all passages, I open to the one with 2 women and 1 child. I read it and cried at least 3 times. You have enjoyed her and raised her for 16 years, your love is within her.

Jean - posted on 02/15/2014

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I did not mean to sound as if I'm yelling at you. You are obviously caught in the middle of these two parents, and feeling much pain. I am sad that you are not being allowed to be a carefree teen and enjoy life and family. I send prayers for you.

Jean - posted on 02/15/2014

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First of all, your Mom sounds depressed, and a divorce and some tax money will do her no good, Please stop disrespecting your mother. I am sorry that your father, a grown adult, gossips about your mom with you, this is the wrong way for a husband and father to behave. He is not teaching you the proper way to care for a spouse. Your mom may need counselling and to be under a doctors care. She needs the care and support of a husband who loves her, not to be undermined by her family. If your father will not support his wife with mental care, and act like an adult then you need to step up and tell him you will not listen when he gossips about her. Please show him this response if you need to.

Susan - posted on 02/10/2014

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I feel bad for all of these parents who have to live without their children. My husband is experiencing that right now. His oldest daughter lives with her mother over 1,500 miles away. She will be 7 this summer. He sees her twice a week over Skype. Even though there is a court order in place for reasonable visitation, the relationship between the custodial mother and my husband is rocky. She often won't return text messages, phone calls, letters, or emails. She doesn't communicate to my husband about his daughter at all. We are hoping that when she is older, she will choose to live with my husband. He is a great father to both his daughters. He never misses a Skype phone call, he sends letters and cards during the year as well as gifts on holidays and birthdays. She has already told him that she wants to live with him. He never speaks ill of her mom and encourages her to listen to her mother. It is difficult to see deadbeat dads get every chance in the world to be a good dad... only to watch my husband beg for the chance only to be denied over and over. The court system is a joke unless you have a lot of money.

Kat - posted on 01/29/2014

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My parents are very close to getting a divorce. I am 14 years old, and want to live with my dad if this happens. My dad want to wait till after tax time, to give her the money and send her on her marry way. Me and my dad have talked about this maybe a little too much. It's kinda sad, we gossip about my mom and all her flaws. Which is wrong of both of us. I feel like I am betraying her in a way. Honestly I don't know how she would react if they did divorce and I said I wanted to live with my dad. I'm afraid she will go off the deep end. She loves me so much, and I love her too. I regret not spending enough time with her, but I feel like she asks to much! Which drives me crazy, so I find other things to do... Se has talked about suicide, which scares me. That is if me and my dad left her, what she would do. I couldn't live with my self if she hurt her self cause of me. It scares me to know how she would be financially, (my dads the bread winner). I'm honestly just looking for someone to give me advice on a situation like this. Cause my mom is a very on edge person, and needs me.. But I can't be there 24/7 to do everything for her and with her. I'm in a bad place, figuring this out. Please, advice!

Sebrina - posted on 12/23/2013

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In tears right now, I feel where you are coming from. Only my situation is different. My sister and her husband raised my daughter half of her life (my daughter is 13). She has a bond with them that I can only dream I could only dream of. She lives with me currently. The other day she ran away and was baker acted because she threatened to kill herself when they caught her. She is visiting my sister and her husband for the Christmas holiday and is overwhelmed with joy because of this. I am so sad because I love my daughter with all my heart even to the point where her happiness is way more important than mine. I'm asking myself and praying to God for the right answer. I wonder if I should allow them to take custody because she is so happy with them.

Shelly - posted on 11/17/2013

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I really admire your courage and strength and I hope I get that soon. But how do I communicate with my son who won't return my calls or texts?

Shelly - posted on 11/17/2013

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I am going through the same thing right now with my 17 year old son. He as been with me and my husband all his life and I have primary physical and joint legal with my ex-husband. My son has never been a problem till a couple months ago. I caught him with pot and found out that he snuck his girlfriend in our home one evening, etc. She (the girlfriend) has issues that are HER parents job to handle,etc. He was grounded for a couple of months and I have drug tested him etc. He handled this fine and has been doing well. Then, last week he and I got in an argument and he said he was going to live with his dad. His dad and I do not get along and even though we had not spoken in a couple years, I felt it was important for him to know about the pot, grounding,etc. My ex acted as if he agreed with me, till at the time of homecoming and he thought I should let my son go, I explained my view to him and my son and my son understood. All the sudden my ex is spending time with my son and the night of the argument, he came and picked up my son, since I would not allow him to take his car (our car) and now he won't come home. I am frustrated to say the least. My son has never done anything like this and he won't talk to me on the phone or text messages and my ex is not helping the situation. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Shelley - posted on 09/25/2013

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I will tell you where the problems lies here.... And I can say this because I've been through it and still going through it and my child is 18. Lack of communication is the the problem.... for some reason your ex is only looking at the dollar signs.... and I'm guessing he has a wife willing to do all the running for your daughter so its really not putting him out any. He is not doing anymore than he did when he was with you. Girls seem to be worse than boys. They learn to play the game quickly. Tough love mommy.... as bad as it hurts... stop trying... I promise you..... they know who they count on when they need something... she will be back.... but you need to let her know you love her with all your heart.... but she is getting everything she wants right now.... you do not need to compete.... its not teaching your daughter anything. Even though you hurt.... she still needs to learn her morals.... you ex is wearing himself out trying to keep her happy...

Carmine - posted on 09/14/2013

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Now i see and are blessed i had a real mom. Who had balls, u folks need dysfunction thereaphy. Waaaa. No one give s a shit . They aint society job to raise them... its yours . Get your head outta your dramatics lives and start raising your children.

Carmine - posted on 09/14/2013

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What life? She doesnt have one. So what are u missing out on.. See my mom old school wpud just go there tell her to get her fucking spoiled ass in the car were going home. I rule the roaster. You hate me to bad. This chid is being a manipulator at a very young age. Your the mother what u say goes. Fuck giving them a choice. Daaa grow some balls mommy. Its hard work. But u gotta grow some balls

Lynette - posted on 09/13/2013

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My 17 year old daughter has been my child for the first 17 years of her life, and her father continuously chose his drugs, girlfriends, and friends over both of his daughters. Now he's working, because he's done paying child support for his oldest and almost done with this token $50 per month for my daughter.
Now she ran away on Sunday, September 8th to live with her dad, he bought her an iPhone, lets her run anywhere and everywhere she wants.
I'm wondering how long before his woman decides that she doesn't like the extra time and money it takes to keep my daughter happy. She has two of her own, plus a grandson now.
My daughter is so besotted over the idea of having a dad, even a crappy one will do. I've busted my butt and heart for 17-1/2 years to raise her and protect her, and now with this abusive boyfriend she has and he drug addict father keeping her basically hostage in his home, she thinks life it peachy.
She's not wondering, why he couldn't spend this money/time/attention on her over the last 17 years only that she's getting "stuff" now.
I'm exhausted, heartbroken, frustrated, and throwing in the towel at this point. My son never wants to see her again because she left not even a week before his 14th birthday, hasn't texted, called or contacted him, and has hurt his mother in a way that he just can't fathom.
Chin up moms everywhere. The only time we can protect them is when they are within out immediate personal space and even then they are going to think whatever they will.
I love my daughter, but I am so disappointed that she isn't able to see the truth.
I've tried to get the police to help, they will not, the county attorney refuses to let the police get involved. I have full custody of her because he NEVER SOUGHT CUSTODY! In Iowa that gives the single mother full custody of their child. This piece of work is now trying to play dad to a girl who has already chosen two fo the crappiest boyfriends she can in her father's image. Way to Go Dad! You win the Booby Prize!
Proves how bad my taste was in men that long ago. Even though she hasn't been around him most of her life, by his own choice, he's lied to everyone and told them he tried to find her and hired private detectives to find me. I've lived in two places since she was born. The first place for her first 3 years, and the second one since she turned 3. Never changed my name, never hid her from him, never even saw him other than to try and get my stuff from him when my daughter was 3 months old. Never got it, because he claimed he threw it away. He was married less than three months after I moved out. Has numerous drug charges on his record, and has many people who have tried to sue him in small claims and otherwise.
Yep, he's a great character to want my daughter around.

JESSICA - posted on 09/11/2013

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I needed to see this & made me feel so much better!!!! Thank you chriss Siembida! Everything you said does make sense!

Chriss - posted on 09/05/2013

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My daughter is 14 and I am sending her to live with her Dad whom she hasn't seen in 10 years. She has always been difficult and never got along with my husband but we did the best we could. We have just been strict with her and she hates that. Her Dad might spoil her at first but he has another family and other kids. Eventually there will be rules and she will see its not always greener on the other side of the fence. It breaks my heart but I think at this stage in her life it's something she needs to see for herself. And I feel it is what Hid wants.

For those of you who have posted about kids deciding to live with their Dads against your will. At the age if 12-18 most courts will let the kids decide. So to get the cops or courts involved you will just be waiting time and money. My stepdad went through this with his two kids. I would say that although it hurts you have to give your kids that space. Let them know you love them and are there for them but give them your permission to live with the other parent. At first they might get spoiled and have no rules but eventually that gets old. And if they are just doing it to rebel tring to force them to come home might make them more determined to stay. If they know you are okay with them living with their Dad but that they have a home with you when they are ready to come home you take away that power they think they have over you. And if its not a rebellion thing then at least they will know you want what's best for them.

As mothers we sacrifice so much for our kids that when we are called to sacrifice our relationship or time with our kids it feels like it is too much to bear. But they arnt really kids anymore. In a few years they might be going away to college anyway, we are just (in some cases being forced) to let go sooner. But they will always be our children and if we can let them go now they will feel comfortable coming back to us. How does that saying go "if you love something let it go, if it returns to you it is yours if not it was never yours to begin with"?

I wil miss my daughter terribly because we will be on opposite sides of the country with visits far and few between but we will call and Skype. I know she needs this at this stage in her life and I comfort myself with the idea that this us what's best for her right now. And also what God wants. I hope my experience can help you. Everyone's comments have made me feel better knowing I'm not alone in this as well.

Lynn - posted on 08/26/2013

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Debbie, once custody changes hands then so does responsibility and you will then be liable for monthly maintenance if your daughter moves her residency with your ex.
If you feel that she will listen to his instruction better than yours and you are okay with accepting any financial responsibility, then I think it may be worthwhile to allow her to go.
I know that most of the time my daughter does respect her father's words when asks her to do something. Most men have a commanding presence that daughter's respond to. Although, we may see the mess in our ex often times children see them differently.

Diane - posted on 08/26/2013

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My 16 year old has been "officially" been staying at his dad's house which is right around the corner from me, but that is only because he lets him do whatever he wants - namely things I won't allow like having him spend the night over female friend's homes, etc. We have joint custody where I am supposed to have him for 4 days out of the week and up until we had a big blow-up over him spending not only one night - but TWO nights 30 minutes away at a girl's house with another friend of his, he was staying at my house 99% of the time. His dad is a mess. He lost a job two years ago for chasing after a 25 year old. He is mentally unbalanced and at the moment, he has 3 "strangers" renting out rooms at his house. He doesn't even have the master suite. All of his personal belongings are in my "son's" room. There is little privacy and not much to do at his dad's house, but I don't believe that's where he stays when he is supposedly at his dad's house. My ex is allowing and do a lot of this to hurt me and get revenge because our older son who is now 18 doesn't like his father and doesn't associate with him at all now. I am so frustrated and don't know what I can do. Part of me wants to tell him to just stay over their until you are willing to live by my rules, especially on my designated days, but I miss him even though he is a brat. His dad has told him that my rules are ridiculous and has permission to do pretty much what he wants. I am just a party pooper as far as he is concerned I guess.

Debbie - posted on 08/23/2013

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I'm just about to go through this. After our first day on holiday, my 14 year old daughter sprung this on me - she wants to live with her father. Prior to last October, she hadn't seen him for 9 years, no phone calls, no birthday cards and no maintenance. She now sees him once a month when he comes down to see his girlfriend for the weekend who lives in the same town. He sees her for 2 hours for a pub meal with his girlfriend, her daughter and his parents. His parents live here too and she sees them on a regular basis. I have had lots of trouble with my daughter coming in late, mixing with an older crowd and swearing at me so things have been difficult. I've provided her with a nice home, I work hard and give her lots of love. I am in a terrible state and can't eat, I'm trying to be 'normal' then I just break down.

Her father has told me he will happily look after her but a few months ago, he said he still couldn't afford to pay me maintenance so I don't understand how he can pay to look after her now.

Please if anyone has any answers such as legal implications, please let me know

D x

Liz - posted on 08/07/2013

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I am going through the same thing. I thought I was alone in this.

I feel your pain....

Shonda - posted on 06/26/2013

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I can't imagine how you must feel. I have been a 13 year old who went to live with her dad, and it wasn't because my mom did anything wrong. My mom was an amazing mom. I think I was angry about their divorce. I really don't know what I was thinking, except for this - it would be fun to move in with dad. That was all it was. He let us do more than my mom did.
Keep in touch with her, she needs you - she just doesn't know it!

Shonda - posted on 06/26/2013

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I want to share some insight that I have about this. My parents divorced when I was about 6. I have a twin sister and a brother who is 18 months younger than us. We all lived with our mom. Our dad never missed a Wednesday or any of his weekends and he called us every night to say goodnight. My mom worked full time, but she was always there to make dinner, help us with our homework and tuck us in at night.
We all played baseball (softball) and basketball when we were young. Our dad taught us, practiced with us and coached all of our teams. Our mom attended all of our games. They were great parents.
I developed a sort of bond with my dad though playing softball and basketball. He spent a lot of time teaching us and we were good. We were all star players. When they divorced it really hurt. I don't remember ever talking to either of them about it though. They did not talk bad about each other. However, about a year and a half after they divorced my dad introduced us to his girlfriend and her children. She had a daughter 2 years younger than me and my sister. We went home excited. I didn't know it, but my dad had this girlfriend when they divorced....she was part of the reason.
Anyways, I was never real close to my mom and at 13 my dad seemed so cool. My sister and I decided to move in with him. One of the main reasons was that on weekends he had to be fun. And it was easy, he didn't take care of us all week. He let us do more than my mom allowed too.
I realize now how much this had to have hurt my mom. I recently told her we just did it cause he let us do more and she cried and seemed relieved. I think you are right, you shouldn't take her away by using the courts. That will only strain your relationship. Is it possible to talk to her on social networks? This is kind of your chance to get to know her and not be stressed by her living there and causing problems. I believe if you talk to her, and let her know you love her and are there for her she will share her life with you. And even if you aren't living in the same household, you won't miss anything.
I'm sorry I can't help you any more.

Brandi Hoagland - posted on 06/25/2013

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I went through this with my 9 yr old daughter. I tried therapy with my daughter to find out why all of the sudden she hated me and wanted to live with her father but I didn't have any luck because father and step mother were poisoning her mind. My daughter will be 14 this yr and I have not seen or talked to her in 2 yrs. Not to say I haven't tried. I still have custody of my daughter but I let her live her dad to keep down conflict in my home. My son really suffered from her fits just like we all did in the home. She has 2 younger siblings that don't understand why this had happened.
I don't know what to tell them. I know I'm not a perfect parent but I've never been bad to any of my children. My other 2 children adore me just like she used to. All I can do is pray and hope things will change.
I've had a lot of people wonder why my daughter doesn't live me any more. I'm not afraid to explain what happened because I'm always hoping maybe just maybe someone will give me a solution and some hope.

Leondra - posted on 05/18/2013

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oh my god why is this happening to me as well with my 14 yr old daughter i have been there all her life her support system and everything help me understand what is going on and should i just give her up because she is clowning me sooo bad .i cant take it and god knows my hurt is broken what do i do????? but i need help i had to take my girl to hospital she was depressed and was being bullied at school she totally with drawn from me and friend so i tried to get her help now she never want to come home so tempory she is staying with her dad but here is my problem the hospital violated my parental rights i refused there services the second time she was sent there from hospital she said she wanted to kill herself and nothing is wrong here i just have rules and structure and now she dont want to obey my rules ...help me anyone who can give me advice how to sue the hospital they was never to contact her alledge father i was the only person on her list they due to i refused them to service her and i was getting a second opinion from my primary doctor they hotlined me and had her put in child custody this was feb 18th 2013 4 months ago im getting sick from all this i just want my child back and help her she was a victim of a sexuall assualt a year ago so i think she just now is having trouble getting thur that but i think now she blames me for whatever reason but i am wiling to take that im here for her i only have 1 child and a step son 13 what do i do??? i need help

Abbbbiieee - posted on 04/10/2013

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who would i ring if i wanted to move out but im only 14 i want to move in with my 22 yr old sister

Angela - posted on 03/10/2013

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Just read all the comments. I am going thru this at the moment. I have 4 kids and been divorced 11 years, my ex-husband was a liar and a cheat who left us when my eldest was 6years and my youngest 10 days old. He refused to give us any money and then went to court for access because his new wife can't have kids! Luckiy my 18 year ld son and 16 year old daughter see them for what they are, but now my 14 year old daughter has left and says she wants to live with them. They have 2 wages coming in , whilst i have only mine, and they give her everything and spoil her rotten and i can't compete. Not only that, but for the last 11 years they have both been filling her head with total untruths about me, and i have seen texts etc they have sent her with nasty comments and jibes about me. It is mothers day today, and while my remaining 3 kids have made a big fuss of me, i feel completely devastated and don't know what to do or how to cope. I am just sitting crying. She phoned her dad yesterday and he came to fetch her. He finds it all hilarious, i know it's weird but i'm sure he doesn't really care that much, it's his new wife always wanted my kids cos she can't have her own. I just hope and pray that my daughter will one day realise what shes done. All your comments have really helped me, thanks.

Jason - posted on 01/20/2013

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I doubt your mentioning everthing. There is a reason she feels that way? Only you deep down know this? She is obviously more comfrotable qith her father. And is it so bad she wants too? Its her life, not yours! Be a part of her life by any means necessary! And is it not always what women say to the man? You can get close to her by listening to her and her feelings on life, school and what she wants. Children need to be taught and guided and mist certainly loved by both parents that want the best for the child in anymeans necessary! Not by the desires or selflessness of either parent. And I beleive courts dont decide this...its not there right. Its our right. Time for men and woman to take responsibility for there lifes and childrens in a true adult manner. It seems your daughter is close to her father and something is not right at home? Figure it out and act in the correct means to make this work. Your not loosing your daughter, she is just moving or trying too! Be her mom and be down to earth. Because before long she will be her own woman in the world. Thats developing now, let her go. Be her mom, talk with your ex...get it or stay out of court and do the best by her for her and I bet her relationship with you is 100% better, ,happeir and fulfilled!

KIKI - posted on 11/23/2012

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Honey, these are the times where you need to hold on to Jesus Christ and pray for you and ur daughters relationship, i am not trying to preach to you im just trying to give you the advice that my mom used when she was in the exact problem you are in with me. GOD Bless You and JESUS Loves You also Dont forget that GOD doesnt give us any more than we can Handle, but that with GOD we can handle anything. I will Pray for you =)

Charlie - posted on 11/23/2012

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why does your daughter not want to come back to you? did somthing in the home go wrong for her not to want to come back that she is afrade to tell you. all kids are afrade sometimes in what there arents might think if they say or they think they will not listen. you need to talk to the father and sort things out and try get him to trybring her to at least talk to you on why she wil not come home. unless its the father not letting her come back or telling bad things.

Dana - posted on 11/19/2012

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Not to be nosy but is there a reason why she doesn't want to live with you?? because there is always something there that you don't notice. That is setting her off. to make her want to leave. I was in the situation where I was living with my grandmother and she had some problems because of the cancers that she has, but she never really understood why I lift, why I couldn't keep going though the pain she just thought that I was being selfish and rude. But I wasn't being that I could take how disrespect that I was getting.

Heather - posted on 11/13/2012

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I know it's hard to do this as I am going through the same thing. My 17 yr. old daughter is Living with my mother and brother, due to she don't want to live with me as to I will not give her own way and as she always wants money and I don't have it to give as i am on a low income. If your daughter wants to live with her father and even though you have sole custody of her, she is at legal age to live with whom ever she wants to be with. Let her go and when she is ready to be around you and your other family, she will make that choice when she is ready to do so.

Bella - posted on 11/13/2012

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OMG! I am so sorry!! i had the same thing happen to me. My oldest son Gets moody sometimes. I homeschooled my son for a little bit and our relationship got closer and i feel like he can tell me anything. He feels the same way to!! YAY!

Leila - posted on 11/03/2012

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First this is a confusion,, the 2 girls14 years old, lived with me then suddenly their father turned up ... took the girls to visit him .1 boy will never have anything to do with his father, His father is an abuser, not the wife only ,but hi son also, I lived in a shelter... the girls fought each other all day I found a job and moved, it was rough for all of us.No child support,Food short .but we managed,,,,, when the dad picked them he was homeless and drunk, once one of the girls called she said she was afraid dad was drunk and diving they slept in the car, He was homeless+There was ,my kids homeless. this cotinued 3 years.In the mean time my boy friend moved in, we were a happy family,he took us out beaches, movie night dinner,,I did not have a vehicle, so he changed hi pick up to buy an old vehicl to fit thr 4 of us The bank sent a check 6k heforged my sigmature and he cashed the check then all hell brakes loose1 child spent 2 weeks with him and she called my parents and said she was abused by my boyfriend they hired alawyer.the ivvestigators dismissed the molestation case. but an injunction was put on BF,





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Brenda12345 - posted on 10/21/2012

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hello lisa,



i have also experinece this with my family, this is just the begining of this problem if you do not take time they might want to harm your daughter, i want you to email me on mccart.brenda@yahoo.com, thier are things i really want to tell you to do that will help you okay.



await your mail now

Lisa - posted on 10/21/2012

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My husband has shared custody of his two children. At our house there are rules and at their mother's there are none. Recently we have had a lot of problems with his 13 year old daughter. She has been stealing money she has been caught here on 3 different occasions last being caught stealing a $100 from my father. We grounded her and she has been very bold and ignorant to both of us and her mother apparently has slapped her face and social services came after her daughter went to the counsellor at the school. Nothing was done yet again. This past week she has been so disrespectful and ignorant that I have put her out of my home and sent to back with her mother. We have a two year old together and I don't want her behavior rubbing off on her. Have any suggestions to what we are suppose to do?????

When mother was approached many times she just roars and swears at us in front of the kids in which that makes them feel that is ok for them to speak to us like we are idiots. The day this all happened with her being rude she told her friend at school that I put her out because her father had no balls that comment has come out of her mother's mouth many times. Not good.... Have no idea what to do anymore with this whole situation!

Valerie Leigh - posted on 10/06/2012

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My fourteen year old did the same.....except I have raised her by myself since she was born.....The day after her 14th birthday she called the police and said I kicked her....they took her into custody and she is living with her father.........this happened last week. He has never payed child support.....but, she want to be with him........I guess I always knew this would happen.......it just feels like if we had discussed it. Instead of lies and deceit, we could have came to an understanding........my heart is broken,

Jessica - posted on 09/29/2012

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The thing with dads are, they have less rules, more freedom. Your daughter probably misses her dad too. Try giving her space and letting her stay for a while. Then ask you and her dad can sit down, talk to her, work out a deal. I know its hard. Trust me, your daughter will miss you and want to come back to live with you after a while. My son left us at 9. He comes home once every two year. He's 16 now. Its heartbreaking.

Tracy L - posted on 09/14/2012

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I need so much help! My daughter is 13 almost 14 in november. Her dad lives in williston north dakota, I live in Tea south dakota. We are along ways away. She sees her dad every summer and every other christmas. Her dad step dad died a few years ago that she was very close to. Closer than her real dad. I am with a man now that she fights with all the time. He is very stearn and won't put up with any crap. On the other hand, her real dad gives her anything she wants. I just do my best to make peace, raise her right. We got in a huge fight the other night. She wants to go live with her dad cuz she hates the guy i am with. It would devastate me for her to leave. She is my everthing. But I do have to put my foot down. She has lied, snuck out of the house at midnight, and I have found her in bed with a boy! I just don't know what to do! Can I fight for her in court? Should I just let her go where maybe she would be happy with her dad, but he would give her everything she wants? What do I do? Please email me

Kristi - posted on 08/30/2012

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Welcome Martha! I'm sorry you're joining "us" under such sad and I'm sure, miserable circumstances.



On a side note, if I were you, I would start my own thread/conversation. You'll get more individual responses and you won't have to wait and hope that someone from this thread sees and replies to your comment on here. It's really easy. Just click on "Start A Conversation." Put in your heading, for example, abusive daughter following in abusive father's foot steps. IDK, something like that. Once you do that, you can then describe your circumstances, in detail or vaguely, and wait for moms to respond. I have found the better details given, make getting and giving advice much easier. Just a thought. ; )



First of all, don't beat yourself up for leaving your kids with your ex. Abusers are master manipulators, which is why you believed they would be better off. I did the same with my son and his father. Fortunately, he has been a wonderful father (minus making me out to be an evil lunatic). But, I believed he would be better off without me all together and then I did do something to classify me as a lunatic. That's neither here nor there. You can't undo anything. You have to work with what you have today.



If I may, what have the police said to you regarding her running away? You are doing the right thing, you are responsible for her actions and her well being. If she is preventing you from taking care of her, it is important to have a "paper trail," if you will. You are a step ahead of those who keep enabling their children to come and go as they please without fear of consequence.



Where is she getting the provocitve clothes? Somehow, you need to cut that source off at the knees. Although, at this point, that sounds like one of your least, immediate worries.



Have you checked into a hospice facility? When my stepdaughter was out of control and we couldn't handle her, we called a place where we could bring her for a few days, giving us both a break from one another. It gives you a few minutes to breathe, regroup, and get started on a new plan. Maybe check with family services.



You may also want to look into group homes. I've heard both good and bad things about them. I used to work for an all girls group home. We taught them basic life skills, cooking, cleaning, hygiene, etc. They had mandatory individual counseling and family counseling. Each girl had a social worker keeping tabs on her progress and that of her family's. They all had to fo school everyday. If they skipped, they were reported as missing or as runaways. Their behavior could affect the whole group so it taught them how to work together and gave them an incentive to do the right thing. They had to earn their privileges through a point system. If they lost too many points they would have to take on an extra chore or they had to spend time by themselves, no TV or snacks, things like that. Consequences are an absolute must. If they no longer care about them, it is definitely time to call on higher power. (God is always good but you need immediate authority, too ; )) If she is causing you physical harm call the police. Hopefully you have good cops who care and take their job seriously. They can be an extremely good source of information if you get the right one(s).



Have you been in counseling, with or without her? Do you have any idea why she is acting out so harshly? Do you think your exhusband is pulling the strings on this? How do your visits go with your sons? Maybe they know something. Do you have any family that can help out? My daughter talks to my sister when she doesn't feel like she can or just doesn't want to talk to me about something. What about your 4th child, do you have a good relationship with her? I'm sorry for asking so many questions. I do that to myself when I'm brain storming on a problem I have. Sometimes it helps trigger something I hadn't previously thought of.



Ya know, she may just need to go to foster care. If she does, that's ok. It doesn't mean you failed or that you're a bad person. It just means that your daughter needs stricter supervision by the authorities. You certainly aren't the first, nor will you be that last that has had to make tough choices and has had to send their child to the state. Sometimes, some kids need more help they we can provide. I'm not saying another family could do a bettter job than you at all! Just saying with the authorities, be it the police or social services looking after her she'll have a harder time breaking the rules. It has nothing to do with the other family.



I wish I had better answers or something with a fail safe solution. I hope you try to start your own thread, there are a ton of smart moms on here and many who have been or are going through similar situations. My best to you and I hope to hear (see) good news soon. If you survived an absuive bastard then you can survive this. You are much stronger than you think. Hang in there, you will make it through this.

Martha - posted on 08/28/2012

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Hi, my name is Martha and im new at this, im kinda going thru the same and i would like some adavice, i was married for almost 12 years and i already had two other kids of my own, i had two boys with this man but he was abusive in every way untill i left him, he kept all of my belongings i had to start fresh but i made the mistake of leaving my four kids behind with him because i figured they would be better off with him, to make a long story short; i remarried and my two boys visit with me by court orders and i have my second oldest daughter living with me but she is out of control and i have no control over her , shes 15 yrs old now and she used drugs and alcohol , she hit me once giving me a scar , since then she is very disrespectful , rebel . I have reported her missing over 10 times so now she says she hates me and shes not happy living with me so she wants to go to a foster home instead! We are always arguing and she seems like she doesnt care , she dresses so provocative and i dont know what else to do.

Jim - posted on 08/17/2012

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Kris - Your experience with your ex sounds just like mine...exaust all family resources in battle for custody until the court verified her mental illness via multiple evaluations and CPS interventions, only to abandon the children completely once the divorce was final and she got her money. But of course, you stick to your rabid feminist friends, I'll join a circle jerk group of mysoginists and we'll go to our corners and come out fighting, reason takes a back seat, children are pawns, and the only winners are the lawyers. FYI I have full legal and physical custody because she ran away to a battered womens shelter and falsely claimed abuse (with taped confession that it was false). In spite of this she is being financially supported by DVIforwomen.org to continue her legal battles since they have a publicly stated policy of not questioning the validity of claims of abuse. So, much like my attempts at reason and fairness with my ex, you've shown once again winning is all that matters to some, and why I have to fight fight fight fight fight. Goddam this system. I'm out.

Kristi - posted on 08/16/2012

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Um..."Jim" if you really are a Jim, of the male persuasion, WTH are you doing on here? This is Circle of MOMS, not dads.

Aside from that, it sounds like Kristine was trying to be fair. 2 weeks home and 2 weeks at dad's. Which is more than fair considering she has sole custody. Not to mention, the kind of hell she could cause for him. But, she is putting her daughter's wants and needs before her own. Which is also more than I can say for the father.If he was doing the same, Kristine would probably understand why this happened to begin with. Based on this post, it sounds like she would support her daughter if she had any idea of her daughter's reasoning. In my experience, there are usually good reasons why a mother or a father has sole custody. As a rule of thumb, the courts try to set up a schedule to keep both parents active, involved, and responsible for the child they created together.

In my case, my exhusband got 51/49 visitation despite the fact that he was caught in several lies in court, my daughter testified about her father's behaviors, asking please don't make me go back there, both sets of his step children from his next two wives tried to engage in sexually explicit behaviors towards my daughter, which, too was proven, and I was also given full legal and physical custody. Once he heard my daughter's testimony and then finding out how much child support was, he asked to give up his rights. My daughter's abuse was a direct result of my attempts to be fair, so he would not miss out. He made promises and never kept them and would go months without speaking to her but he deserved to have her 49% of the time? I'm just saying courts want to keep both parents involved as much as possible and even after all that, my exhusband was given generous visitation, Kristine's exhusband/boyfriend must be a real problem if the courts saw fit to keep him at bay.

Kristi - posted on 08/07/2012

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Kris--



In my understanding, the police don't help because they consider it to be a civil matter to be worked out in court. However, my ex tried to force my daughter to go back to his house (he was abusive and trying to alienate my daughter from me. We had joint custody at the time. Long story.) In any event the cops did come to my house and I told them she wasn't going anywhere. I told them I would appreciate it if they escort him off my property as he was trespassing. They did just that and we did end up in court.



They may help you, since this is an out of state situation. It is against the law to take a child over state lines without permission from the court. It is entirely possible that they would help you.



You have to do what you think is best for your child. I would not hesitate to call the police if my court order did not specify that she was allowed out of state. Who cares what your verbal agreement was. You will be no worse off asking law enforcement to help.



You do need to decide if you think she is going to throw a fit and rebell against you. Take in consideration what "forcing" her home will do to your relationship. In my experience, my daughter figured out what an asshole he was on her own, as did his own, older daughters. I wish you all the best and will pray for your daughter's safe return.

Kris - posted on 08/06/2012

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Thanks for your posting! I have a 15 year old daughter whom I let visit her father this summer and now she wants to stay with him. He has enrolled her in school, cheerleading and JROTC. I have custody, although we were never married. You mentioned calling the police and they did not help you. Why? I was thinking of doing the same thing. I live in TN and he lives in GA. Please reply!

Kristi - posted on 07/29/2012

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No offense Kooman--

But this sight is for MOMS, not guys trying to peddle magic spells. I have flagged your comment.

Rebecca - posted on 07/26/2012

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I am going through the beginning stages of this too, however, my daughter's father had nothing to do with her for the first 12 1/2 years of her life and has spent much of his adult life in jail for one thing or another. She is trying to say she wants to stay there too and is not replying to my texts, which she normally does. I am going to pick her up tonight after work and she will come home with me and we are going to have a long talk.

Carrie - posted on 07/18/2012

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im going thru this to my daughter turned 13 a few days ago and she is at her dads and step moms house she called me and said she wants to live there i asked her why and she told me all these force feed awnsers .... i know my daughter and the responces were nothing she would have said on her own im so torn i want to make het happy but i have cried have been having panic attacs i dont want to lose her and her dad lives 6 hours away her cell phone i pay fpr os convently broke so if i want to talk to her i have to call her dads cell phone amd she wont talk much with him there ...I can only hope and pray she changes her mind keep her in your prayers thanks

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