My 14 year old daughter does not want to live with me

Leondra - posted 3 days ago

oh my god why is this happening to me as well with my 14 yr old daughter i have been there all her life her support system and everything help me understand what is going on and should i just give her up because she is clowning me sooo bad .i cant take it and god knows my hurt is broken what do i do????? but i need help i had to take my girl to hospital she was depressed and was being bullied at school she totally with drawn from me and friend so i tried to get her help now she never want to come home so tempory she is staying with her dad but here is my problem the hospital violated my parental rights i refused there services the second time she was sent there from hospital she said she wanted to kill herself and nothing is wrong here i just have rules and structure and now she dont want to obey my rules ...help me anyone who can give me advice how to sue the hospital they was never to contact her alledge father i was the only person on her list they due to i refused them to service her and i was getting a second opinion from my primary doctor they hotlined me and had her put in child custody this was feb 18th 2013 4 months ago im getting sick from all this i just want my child back and help her she was a victim of a sexuall assualt a year ago so i think she just now is having trouble getting thur that but i think now she blames me for whatever reason but i am wiling to take that im here for her i only have 1 child and a step son 13 what do i do??? i need help

Abbbbiieee - posted on 04/10/2013

who would i ring if i wanted to move out but im only 14 i want to move in with my 22 yr old sister

Angela - posted on 03/10/2013

Just read all the comments. I am going thru this at the moment. I have 4 kids and been divorced 11 years, my ex-husband was a liar and a cheat who left us when my eldest was 6years and my youngest 10 days old. He refused to give us any money and then went to court for access because his new wife can't have kids! Luckiy my 18 year ld son and 16 year old daughter see them for what they are, but now my 14 year old daughter has left and says she wants to live with them. They have 2 wages coming in , whilst i have only mine, and they give her everything and spoil her rotten and i can't compete. Not only that, but for the last 11 years they have both been filling her head with total untruths about me, and i have seen texts etc they have sent her with nasty comments and jibes about me. It is mothers day today, and while my remaining 3 kids have made a big fuss of me, i feel completely devastated and don't know what to do or how to cope. I am just sitting crying. She phoned her dad yesterday and he came to fetch her. He finds it all hilarious, i know it's weird but i'm sure he doesn't really care that much, it's his new wife always wanted my kids cos she can't have her own. I just hope and pray that my daughter will one day realise what shes done. All your comments have really helped me, thanks.

Jason - posted on 01/20/2013

I doubt your mentioning everthing. There is a reason she feels that way? Only you deep down know this? She is obviously more comfrotable qith her father. And is it so bad she wants too? Its her life, not yours! Be a part of her life by any means necessary! And is it not always what women say to the man? You can get close to her by listening to her and her feelings on life, school and what she wants. Children need to be taught and guided and mist certainly loved by both parents that want the best for the child in anymeans necessary! Not by the desires or selflessness of either parent. And I beleive courts dont decide this...its not there right. Its our right. Time for men and woman to take responsibility for there lifes and childrens in a true adult manner. It seems your daughter is close to her father and something is not right at home? Figure it out and act in the correct means to make this work. Your not loosing your daughter, she is just moving or trying too! Be her mom and be down to earth. Because before long she will be her own woman in the world. Thats developing now, let her go. Be her mom, talk with your ex...get it or stay out of court and do the best by her for her and I bet her relationship with you is 100% better, ,happeir and fulfilled!

KIKI - posted on 11/23/2012

Honey, these are the times where you need to hold on to Jesus Christ and pray for you and ur daughters relationship, i am not trying to preach to you im just trying to give you the advice that my mom used when she was in the exact problem you are in with me. GOD Bless You and JESUS Loves You also Dont forget that GOD doesnt give us any more than we can Handle, but that with GOD we can handle anything. I will Pray for you =)

Charlie - posted on 11/23/2012

why does your daughter not want to come back to you? did somthing in the home go wrong for her not to want to come back that she is afrade to tell you. all kids are afrade sometimes in what there arents might think if they say or they think they will not listen. you need to talk to the father and sort things out and try get him to trybring her to at least talk to you on why she wil not come home. unless its the father not letting her come back or telling bad things.

Dana - posted on 11/19/2012

Not to be nosy but is there a reason why she doesn't want to live with you?? because there is always something there that you don't notice. That is setting her off. to make her want to leave. I was in the situation where I was living with my grandmother and she had some problems because of the cancers that she has, but she never really understood why I lift, why I couldn't keep going though the pain she just thought that I was being selfish and rude. But I wasn't being that I could take how disrespect that I was getting.

Heather - posted on 11/13/2012

I know it's hard to do this as I am going through the same thing. My 17 yr. old daughter is Living with my mother and brother, due to she don't want to live with me as to I will not give her own way and as she always wants money and I don't have it to give as i am on a low income. If your daughter wants to live with her father and even though you have sole custody of her, she is at legal age to live with whom ever she wants to be with. Let her go and when she is ready to be around you and your other family, she will make that choice when she is ready to do so.

Bella - posted on 11/13/2012

OMG! I am so sorry!! i had the same thing happen to me. My oldest son Gets moody sometimes. I homeschooled my son for a little bit and our relationship got closer and i feel like he can tell me anything. He feels the same way to!! YAY!

Leila - posted on 11/03/2012

First this is a confusion,, the 2 girls14 years old, lived with me then suddenly their father turned up ... took the girls to visit him .1 boy will never have anything to do with his father, His father is an abuser, not the wife only ,but hi son also, I lived in a shelter... the girls fought each other all day I found a job and moved, it was rough for all of us.No child support,Food short .but we managed,,,,, when the dad picked them he was homeless and drunk, once one of the girls called she said she was afraid dad was drunk and diving they slept in the car, He was homeless+There was ,my kids homeless. this cotinued 3 years.In the mean time my boy friend moved in, we were a happy family,he took us out beaches, movie night dinner,,I did not have a vehicle, so he changed hi pick up to buy an old vehicl to fit thr 4 of us The bank sent a check 6k heforged my sigmature and he cashed the check then all hell brakes loose1 child spent 2 weeks with him and she called my parents and said she was abused by my boyfriend they hired alawyer.the ivvestigators dismissed the molestation case. but an injunction was put on BF,





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Lisa - posted on 10/22/2012

my email is lcdiggers@hotmail.com... thanks

Brenda12345 - posted on 10/21/2012

hello lisa,



i have also experinece this with my family, this is just the begining of this problem if you do not take time they might want to harm your daughter, i want you to email me on mccart.brenda@yahoo.com, thier are things i really want to tell you to do that will help you okay.



await your mail now

Lisa - posted on 10/21/2012

My husband has shared custody of his two children. At our house there are rules and at their mother's there are none. Recently we have had a lot of problems with his 13 year old daughter. She has been stealing money she has been caught here on 3 different occasions last being caught stealing a $100 from my father. We grounded her and she has been very bold and ignorant to both of us and her mother apparently has slapped her face and social services came after her daughter went to the counsellor at the school. Nothing was done yet again. This past week she has been so disrespectful and ignorant that I have put her out of my home and sent to back with her mother. We have a two year old together and I don't want her behavior rubbing off on her. Have any suggestions to what we are suppose to do?????

When mother was approached many times she just roars and swears at us in front of the kids in which that makes them feel that is ok for them to speak to us like we are idiots. The day this all happened with her being rude she told her friend at school that I put her out because her father had no balls that comment has come out of her mother's mouth many times. Not good.... Have no idea what to do anymore with this whole situation!

Valerie Leigh - posted on 10/06/2012

My fourteen year old did the same.....except I have raised her by myself since she was born.....The day after her 14th birthday she called the police and said I kicked her....they took her into custody and she is living with her father.........this happened last week. He has never payed child support.....but, she want to be with him........I guess I always knew this would happen.......it just feels like if we had discussed it. Instead of lies and deceit, we could have came to an understanding........my heart is broken,

Jessica - posted on 09/29/2012

The thing with dads are, they have less rules, more freedom. Your daughter probably misses her dad too. Try giving her space and letting her stay for a while. Then ask you and her dad can sit down, talk to her, work out a deal. I know its hard. Trust me, your daughter will miss you and want to come back to live with you after a while. My son left us at 9. He comes home once every two year. He's 16 now. Its heartbreaking.

Tracy L - posted on 09/14/2012

You are doing the best you can! I too am having problems with my 14 year old

Tracy L - posted on 09/14/2012

I need so much help! My daughter is 13 almost 14 in november. Her dad lives in williston north dakota, I live in Tea south dakota. We are along ways away. She sees her dad every summer and every other christmas. Her dad step dad died a few years ago that she was very close to. Closer than her real dad. I am with a man now that she fights with all the time. He is very stearn and won't put up with any crap. On the other hand, her real dad gives her anything she wants. I just do my best to make peace, raise her right. We got in a huge fight the other night. She wants to go live with her dad cuz she hates the guy i am with. It would devastate me for her to leave. She is my everthing. But I do have to put my foot down. She has lied, snuck out of the house at midnight, and I have found her in bed with a boy! I just don't know what to do! Can I fight for her in court? Should I just let her go where maybe she would be happy with her dad, but he would give her everything she wants? What do I do? Please email me

Kristi - posted on 08/30/2012

Welcome Martha! I'm sorry you're joining "us" under such sad and I'm sure, miserable circumstances.



On a side note, if I were you, I would start my own thread/conversation. You'll get more individual responses and you won't have to wait and hope that someone from this thread sees and replies to your comment on here. It's really easy. Just click on "Start A Conversation." Put in your heading, for example, abusive daughter following in abusive father's foot steps. IDK, something like that. Once you do that, you can then describe your circumstances, in detail or vaguely, and wait for moms to respond. I have found the better details given, make getting and giving advice much easier. Just a thought. ; )



First of all, don't beat yourself up for leaving your kids with your ex. Abusers are master manipulators, which is why you believed they would be better off. I did the same with my son and his father. Fortunately, he has been a wonderful father (minus making me out to be an evil lunatic). But, I believed he would be better off without me all together and then I did do something to classify me as a lunatic. That's neither here nor there. You can't undo anything. You have to work with what you have today.



If I may, what have the police said to you regarding her running away? You are doing the right thing, you are responsible for her actions and her well being. If she is preventing you from taking care of her, it is important to have a "paper trail," if you will. You are a step ahead of those who keep enabling their children to come and go as they please without fear of consequence.



Where is she getting the provocitve clothes? Somehow, you need to cut that source off at the knees. Although, at this point, that sounds like one of your least, immediate worries.



Have you checked into a hospice facility? When my stepdaughter was out of control and we couldn't handle her, we called a place where we could bring her for a few days, giving us both a break from one another. It gives you a few minutes to breathe, regroup, and get started on a new plan. Maybe check with family services.



You may also want to look into group homes. I've heard both good and bad things about them. I used to work for an all girls group home. We taught them basic life skills, cooking, cleaning, hygiene, etc. They had mandatory individual counseling and family counseling. Each girl had a social worker keeping tabs on her progress and that of her family's. They all had to fo school everyday. If they skipped, they were reported as missing or as runaways. Their behavior could affect the whole group so it taught them how to work together and gave them an incentive to do the right thing. They had to earn their privileges through a point system. If they lost too many points they would have to take on an extra chore or they had to spend time by themselves, no TV or snacks, things like that. Consequences are an absolute must. If they no longer care about them, it is definitely time to call on higher power. (God is always good but you need immediate authority, too ; )) If she is causing you physical harm call the police. Hopefully you have good cops who care and take their job seriously. They can be an extremely good source of information if you get the right one(s).



Have you been in counseling, with or without her? Do you have any idea why she is acting out so harshly? Do you think your exhusband is pulling the strings on this? How do your visits go with your sons? Maybe they know something. Do you have any family that can help out? My daughter talks to my sister when she doesn't feel like she can or just doesn't want to talk to me about something. What about your 4th child, do you have a good relationship with her? I'm sorry for asking so many questions. I do that to myself when I'm brain storming on a problem I have. Sometimes it helps trigger something I hadn't previously thought of.



Ya know, she may just need to go to foster care. If she does, that's ok. It doesn't mean you failed or that you're a bad person. It just means that your daughter needs stricter supervision by the authorities. You certainly aren't the first, nor will you be that last that has had to make tough choices and has had to send their child to the state. Sometimes, some kids need more help they we can provide. I'm not saying another family could do a bettter job than you at all! Just saying with the authorities, be it the police or social services looking after her she'll have a harder time breaking the rules. It has nothing to do with the other family.



I wish I had better answers or something with a fail safe solution. I hope you try to start your own thread, there are a ton of smart moms on here and many who have been or are going through similar situations. My best to you and I hope to hear (see) good news soon. If you survived an absuive bastard then you can survive this. You are much stronger than you think. Hang in there, you will make it through this.

Martha - posted on 08/28/2012

Hi, my name is Martha and im new at this, im kinda going thru the same and i would like some adavice, i was married for almost 12 years and i already had two other kids of my own, i had two boys with this man but he was abusive in every way untill i left him, he kept all of my belongings i had to start fresh but i made the mistake of leaving my four kids behind with him because i figured they would be better off with him, to make a long story short; i remarried and my two boys visit with me by court orders and i have my second oldest daughter living with me but she is out of control and i have no control over her , shes 15 yrs old now and she used drugs and alcohol , she hit me once giving me a scar , since then she is very disrespectful , rebel . I have reported her missing over 10 times so now she says she hates me and shes not happy living with me so she wants to go to a foster home instead! We are always arguing and she seems like she doesnt care , she dresses so provocative and i dont know what else to do.

Jim - posted on 08/17/2012

Kris - Your experience with your ex sounds just like mine...exaust all family resources in battle for custody until the court verified her mental illness via multiple evaluations and CPS interventions, only to abandon the children completely once the divorce was final and she got her money. But of course, you stick to your rabid feminist friends, I'll join a circle jerk group of mysoginists and we'll go to our corners and come out fighting, reason takes a back seat, children are pawns, and the only winners are the lawyers. FYI I have full legal and physical custody because she ran away to a battered womens shelter and falsely claimed abuse (with taped confession that it was false). In spite of this she is being financially supported by DVIforwomen.org to continue her legal battles since they have a publicly stated policy of not questioning the validity of claims of abuse. So, much like my attempts at reason and fairness with my ex, you've shown once again winning is all that matters to some, and why I have to fight fight fight fight fight. Goddam this system. I'm out.

Kristi - posted on 08/16/2012

Um..."Jim" if you really are a Jim, of the male persuasion, WTH are you doing on here? This is Circle of MOMS, not dads.

Aside from that, it sounds like Kristine was trying to be fair. 2 weeks home and 2 weeks at dad's. Which is more than fair considering she has sole custody. Not to mention, the kind of hell she could cause for him. But, she is putting her daughter's wants and needs before her own. Which is also more than I can say for the father.If he was doing the same, Kristine would probably understand why this happened to begin with. Based on this post, it sounds like she would support her daughter if she had any idea of her daughter's reasoning. In my experience, there are usually good reasons why a mother or a father has sole custody. As a rule of thumb, the courts try to set up a schedule to keep both parents active, involved, and responsible for the child they created together.

In my case, my exhusband got 51/49 visitation despite the fact that he was caught in several lies in court, my daughter testified about her father's behaviors, asking please don't make me go back there, both sets of his step children from his next two wives tried to engage in sexually explicit behaviors towards my daughter, which, too was proven, and I was also given full legal and physical custody. Once he heard my daughter's testimony and then finding out how much child support was, he asked to give up his rights. My daughter's abuse was a direct result of my attempts to be fair, so he would not miss out. He made promises and never kept them and would go months without speaking to her but he deserved to have her 49% of the time? I'm just saying courts want to keep both parents involved as much as possible and even after all that, my exhusband was given generous visitation, Kristine's exhusband/boyfriend must be a real problem if the courts saw fit to keep him at bay.

Jim - posted on 08/16/2012

You don't want to miss out on her life? Neither does her father.

Kristi - posted on 08/07/2012

Kris--



In my understanding, the police don't help because they consider it to be a civil matter to be worked out in court. However, my ex tried to force my daughter to go back to his house (he was abusive and trying to alienate my daughter from me. We had joint custody at the time. Long story.) In any event the cops did come to my house and I told them she wasn't going anywhere. I told them I would appreciate it if they escort him off my property as he was trespassing. They did just that and we did end up in court.



They may help you, since this is an out of state situation. It is against the law to take a child over state lines without permission from the court. It is entirely possible that they would help you.



You have to do what you think is best for your child. I would not hesitate to call the police if my court order did not specify that she was allowed out of state. Who cares what your verbal agreement was. You will be no worse off asking law enforcement to help.



You do need to decide if you think she is going to throw a fit and rebell against you. Take in consideration what "forcing" her home will do to your relationship. In my experience, my daughter figured out what an asshole he was on her own, as did his own, older daughters. I wish you all the best and will pray for your daughter's safe return.

Kris - posted on 08/06/2012

Thanks for your posting! I have a 15 year old daughter whom I let visit her father this summer and now she wants to stay with him. He has enrolled her in school, cheerleading and JROTC. I have custody, although we were never married. You mentioned calling the police and they did not help you. Why? I was thinking of doing the same thing. I live in TN and he lives in GA. Please reply!

Kristi - posted on 07/29/2012

No offense Kooman--

But this sight is for MOMS, not guys trying to peddle magic spells. I have flagged your comment.

Rebecca - posted on 07/26/2012

I am going through the beginning stages of this too, however, my daughter's father had nothing to do with her for the first 12 1/2 years of her life and has spent much of his adult life in jail for one thing or another. She is trying to say she wants to stay there too and is not replying to my texts, which she normally does. I am going to pick her up tonight after work and she will come home with me and we are going to have a long talk.

Carrie - posted on 07/18/2012

im going thru this to my daughter turned 13 a few days ago and she is at her dads and step moms house she called me and said she wants to live there i asked her why and she told me all these force feed awnsers .... i know my daughter and the responces were nothing she would have said on her own im so torn i want to make het happy but i have cried have been having panic attacs i dont want to lose her and her dad lives 6 hours away her cell phone i pay fpr os convently broke so if i want to talk to her i have to call her dads cell phone amd she wont talk much with him there ...I can only hope and pray she changes her mind keep her in your prayers thanks

Joanne - posted on 06/29/2012

My daughter has just said exactly the same thing to me she wants to go up and live with her dad, cannot understand this as I have not done anything wrong i have tried asking her to stay but she is determined that she does not want to come back home, we will see now tomorrow. I must say I know how you are feeling as this is absolutely horrible x

Kristi - posted on 06/23/2012

Well, I've been crying like a baby reading through these, understanding the despair and the pain and looking for some hope that I might hear from my son one day again, too. But my son has a great dad (except for constantly bad mouthing and condemning me to my son). He remarried a "mini-me" The younger, new and improved version of me. She pretty much is. I was suffering from a lot of "things" when my son was younger and wasn't in the best position to give him the best life had to offer. So I signed over full custody of my son to his father, under the condition that when things were better, we'd go back to joint custody, this was when he was about 4. Well, needless to say, I never got joint custody back. I had jump through hoops and rings of fire just to get regular visitation but I finally did. But, inevitably, it seemed, things kept going wrong. First, it was problems with my daughter's father freaking out on all of us while my son was there. After we left him, I had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet, so I was too tired to be much fun on the weekends that he came over. I tried so hard. I finally, finally got the perfect job and I was going to have every other weekend off and that was the only job I was going to have to work, I was so excited to tell him. So when it was my weekend, I drove the 45 miles there and he was out in the driveway messing around with his bike. His dad was standing off to the side with chest puffed out and his arms folded across it looking all mean, he's 6'2 275lbs and is a cop, who got away with kicking the shit out of me for 6 months before I left, so mean is scary. His "mom" was at the front door, looking on, as if something was about to happen. I was not wanting to get out of my car. But I did. I greeted my son with my good news. I tried to be excited and upbeat through my fear and my nerves. My son kept him hawing around with his bike and said he didn't want to come with me. I said, "Oh, um ok...How about tomorrow then, I can come back." (I was pretty sure that is not what he meant) He said, "No, mom, I mean ever." I tried not to die right there on the spot, my daughter was waiting for her big brother in the car, too because we were going to celebrate! I tried to explain, to ask why, but I knew, between his father and my mess of a life, who could blame him, right? That was the last day I ever saw my son. He was 10. He will be 18 in October. When my son turned to walk away, I reached out for him to hug him and tell him that I loved him, but his father had wandered over at some point, before I reached my son, he reached me. He said, "Get in your car bitch, and if you know what's good for you, you'll never come back to my town again." I left, trying to explain to my 4 year old daughter why her hero wasn't coming with us, while trying to hold back sobs and shaking like a leaf on tree in a tornado. I let some time pass and started trying to call. Usually, nobody would answer but once in awhile his step grandma would forget and pick up the phone to me and she'd call to Dalton before asking who I was, so I'd get a quick coupla seconds before, um mom, I gotta go. I've stopped calling because they disconnected that number. I send cards, I've sent private messages to his FB, he'll never accept my friend request, but he is friends with my daughter. : ) So that's awesome and she has let me see his pictures and read his page from time to time. But, I've missed everything. I'm not even a 2nd (or 3rd, 4th or 5th) thought to him anymore. But he is happy, he is healthy, he has everything money can buy, he has a job, he is in the choir, he has lots of friends....so I try to resolve that as his mother all I ever wanted for him was the best. I always knew I wasn't it, I guess I just never thought I wouldn't be at least part of it.

I'm sorry, somehow, it a twisted manner, this should give you some hope that since you are a good parent and you have been able to lay the ground work for a good foundation, you can rebuild again. When I read stories that some have shared here about their child coming back, I get a spark of hope for a second and then I remember, my story is different and even though the middle of the story is similar the beginnings are not and the endings never will be anything alike. Oh, your post is 4 years old...well I doubt you will even see this. But no matter, I hope you had a happy ending and that you didn't miss out on the many milestones that a mother shares with her daughter during her teens, I'm looking forward to those soon, too. (now)

Christina - posted on 06/22/2012

I went through a similar situation with my soon to be 16 year old......Long long story but to make it short her dad used me to get his mom to take her because him and his new family "didn't have room for her" and he knew his mom would NOT want her living with me so he asked me if I wanted her to live with me of course I jumped at the chance to have my daughter with me then he turned around and sent her to live with his mom.....Now her grandmother has poisoned her and she wants nothing to do with me...We have not spoken in about 8 years or so......She told me her grandmother is more of a mother to her than I ever was....I'm sure that just thrilled her grandmother.....She has some kind of weird obsession with my daughter......It hurts and I've had to do much praying about it.....I don't feel bitter anymore and I have no choice but to leave it in God's hands and trust that when she's old enough to "think for herself" she will have questions for me and want to ask me......I too am missing and have already missed so many milestones with her......I just have to have faith that God hears my prayers and will answer them......I'm so sorry that you are going through this I wouldn't wish it on anyone :(

Jeaniffer - posted on 06/09/2012

I, too, have a 14yrs old daughter who would rather live with my mother than move in with my and my fiance to the mainland. Her reason is she don't want to leave her friends and her father is also complaining about her being a distant apart from him... I have full custody of her, but I just want her to be happy as I know how she felt, since I went through much more when I was her age... I didn't want to be with my mother and Step-father too, but for other reasons... I want her to be with me, but I also want her to be happy in life... She wants to be with her classmates and friends, but I'm hoping her heart will open to meeting new friends too! Right now, she refuses to leave and always cries if I bring the subject up... I will be getting married to the love of my life, and he is open to having her be with us... He is willing to take of her how ever he can, and willing to provide anything that can keep her occupied and happy so she can live with us. Ultimately, I feel her happiness is important too!!! What should I do? I gave her the option of living with my mother and coming to visit me during summers and vacation periods, and hoping she will want to stay with me... But that is just a wish I pray will come true!!!
Am I making the right decision to let her stay???

Liz - posted on 09/06/2011

I have read your problem with interest and the responses are also helpful in assuring me that i am not alone in this. My daughter (13) also wants to live with her father and tells (screams) this at me every day. She says she hates me. She is verbally abusive all of the time (learned behaviour from her abusive father). He constantly drips poison into my daughters ear and she is even more unbearable when she returns from the weekends spent with him. I have felt so guilty for thinking that perhaps it is best that she leaves but her father has a long standing cocaine and weed habit (part of the reason we divorced in hand with me being subjected to sexual assault by him, his drinking and eventual driving ban etc etc). How can i let her go to such a household? It'd be throwing her to the dogs. As one of your respondents has said, part of the attraction is no surveillance, no responsibility no support for her education. Plus he allows her to drink (and i suspect smoke cigarettes). I have said that social services would not allow her to live there but she threatens to report me for hitting her. This has happened only once two weeks ago after she told me to "get F****d and get some pills to sort ya head out" refusing the leave the room when asked, laughing at me and asking me "what are you gonna do about it. Make me" So I did. Not proud but she leaves me totally powerless with nowhere to turn. Ignoring her behaviour doesn't work either. She, like her father used to do, will sit in the same room and sneer and jibe until she gets a reaction. Again - learned behaviour from her father. At my wits end. Sorry this hasn't helped your query. I feel absolutely terrible that i enjoy the house without her in it as me and my 18yr old daughter have a peaceful time and much positive energy flows where it doesn't when the younger on is hom. Rubbish mother? I must've failed somewhere. Perhaps it was not divorcing her father earlier. It has only been 2 yrs. I held in there 'for the kids'. How wrong was I.

Michelle - posted on 08/07/2011

That is a horrible feeling. We need support...others that understand our pain. My two teenagers went to live with their dad 3 months ago. I have barely seen them too. I am devastated and do not know what to do. They are 14 year old twins. Help!!!

Lisa - posted on 11/17/2008

OMG!! I had this same thing happen to me. My daughter was 13 at the time. She had been at her dads for the summer and refused to come home to start school. I tried the reasoning with her, saying she could just spend every weekend with him and every break. She was not having any of it. After about 2-3 days of talking to her and her dad, I finally gave in and then I cried for 2 weeks. She also had a sister and brother at home. She had a baby brother at her dads house, too. She lived with him for a few months and then her dad and stepmom got a divorce. It was good at first and then he started getting girlfriends and putting my daughter on the back burner. Then is March of this year, my family and I were at our lake house and my daughter had a bad accident. She was in the hospital for a week and then came to my house after to recover. That is when she started seeing her dad for who he really is. A selfish person. She finally went back to his house to finish the school year. When school let out she came to my house, where she has been since then. She moved back in with me and now she does not even see her dad anymore. He doesn't even call anymore to see either of my daughters. They are much better off without a dad like that in their life anyway. They have a great stepdad. There is hope that your daughter will come home. Try to just go with the flow and don't let her know how upset it makes you. She will eventually see that she wants to be with her mom. I hope this helps you. Good luck!

Fiona - posted on 11/17/2008

Hi I have been through this with my first 2 children. It is very hard to let a child go live with the other parent but if you look at the way the child changes towards you when you do let them go you will see if you made the right choice or not.My son who is almost 16 has been living with his father now for the past few years and he is a wonderful boy with respect for both of us parents and doing extremely well in school. not a day goes by when you feel sad and wish they were with you but you just need to remind yourself that's it is what they want and if it makes them happy then that's all that matters. my daughter (17 now) has moved back and forth between the 2 of us for years now. It is usually in 2 year stints and the hardest thing for me was thinking that I wasn't a good enough parent to keep my children happy. This isn't the case. When parents separate the main ones to get hurt is the kids and it's hard for them to have to leave another parent after spending time with them. Just be patient, loving and as understanding as possible with your daughter because as she gets older you will be closer regardless of whether she lives with you or not. Give your daughter time, I know it's hard but I did'nt see mine for over six months and it killed me but when I did they were happy and we just enjoyed our time. If she does see you and still wants to stay with her dad I think you need to be ok with it and just ask her to keep in touch by phone and arrange to be able to meet with her for lunch and shopping. Good luck I hope this helps. Things will work out.

Pamela - posted on 11/16/2008

i know you are hurting at this point, but you know what, your other children and your husband need you, love you daughter, give her the space she need, and just be there whenever she do come back home to you, pray that god will change her heart, and she will come home to you. but for now thank about those that are there with you. i will be praying for you and your family, stay strong.

Wendy - posted on 11/16/2008

I understand how you feel completely!! I have an 18 year old that decided to move in with his dad at 16 almost 17 and it broke my heart! He wouldn't even come see me on my weekends. My ex took me back to court to stop child support because he has one and I still have our daughter living with me. The Lord has dealt with me on this and I had to finally give it to the Lord and let Him have total control. I pray for my son daily. It has been almost 2 years and we do have a good relationship and we have been able to talk about things. His eyes have been opened to things about his dad that may not have been opened if he stayed with me. So I know the Lord is working!! I have to remember that the Lord loves my son more than I do and he will take care of him! So I encourage you to pray for your daughter and give her to the Lord and this situation and let the Lord work!

Cheryl - posted on 11/16/2008

Kristine:



I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I went through the same thing with my oldest son and have had times when my 13 year old daughter says she wants to go. My son did live with him for about 7 weeks and came back home.



Do you know what the "draw" is at her dads? For my kids it was no rules, and no responsiblities. I also am remarried and have two other kids and we expect certain things from our kids, things that at times the older ones thought were awful. I fought very hard against my son going to his dads, but in the end decided that it was only hurting me. It really damaged our relationship for a while. When he did live there I made sure I was as involved in his life as I was when he lived here, even though he was an hour away. At this point with your daughter, fighting against her dad will probably only make your home less desirable. Just make sure she knows that you love her regardless of where she lives and that she is still as much a part of your family as she was before. Basically, you have to act as if it isn't killing you inside. She is probably afraid to come home to visit because she believes you won't let her leave again. Maybe you could take her out to the movies or dinner or something and spend some time with her outside your house until she feels comfortable that you aren't going to force her to come home. There will come a time that she will appreciate that you let her go, but still were her mom. I hope that makes sense. In my son's case, I was a mess when he left. I didn't have a clue what my role was anymore. I didn't know how NOT to be his mom. Then I realized that I WAS his mom and nothing could change that. When he did come home, he told me how much he appreciated the fact that I let him go and that I still loved him.



You can e-mail me privately if you want to talk more. I so completely understand how you feel and am tearing up now remembering how painful that time was.



Good luck.



Cheryl