My 14 year old daughter is out of control

Angel - posted on 01/06/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My 14 year old daughter is out of control. A few days ago she attacked my 13 year old son all over the fact that he wouldn't admit to having a bowl of cereal in the evening. It got so bad that she went to get a knife to use on him. I in tried to stop her hitting him and got punched in the eye and hit with a broom handle. She lies and a few months ago kept telling me that i'd hit her. We had a huge arguement. She went out, and when she got home she bruises on her face. She repeated you hit me you hit me. She carried this on all evening and told me no one will believe me as she has the bruises to prove it. The following afternoon she told my younger children that if you squeeze your chin really tight and then flick it you will bruise. She then told them you can tell people that mummy done it. I've taken her to the doctors and she didn't want to be there. A couple of weeks ago she had a major falling out with my husband. This was over her picking up an object and throwing it at my 7 year old. My latest problem is that she is accusing my husband of abusing her when she was 5 years old. She refused to talk to me without her boyfriend with her. She told me she had spoken to his dad about it. She said my husband makes her sick. I've been in this situation before with her and social services saw her at school and came to see me and found nothing. Her story is different to what i was told before. Also a few years ago when she argued with me she threw it up again. I kicked him out and she then told me not to and it wasn't true. She told me she knew what buttons to push with me to make me ill. Last week she ran out of the house and made out she didn't want to be here. Then she text me and told me to email her boyfriends mum to see if they had heard from her. Her problem over xmas was that her boyfriend had chicken pox and couldnt see her and she wanted to see him. My daughter I have just found out has been put on the pill by family planning. All of this is making me feel ill. I have told her that I will go to social services again and bring them in to deal with it. I don't know what else to do

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Jar Of - posted on 02/02/2012

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Angel, I understand what you are going through, I've been in the same boat with my oldest daughter and she is now 17 with a baby two weeks old.



I did all the suggested things, I set boundries, withdrew priveleges when rules were broken, put rules and consquences in writing, had long one to one talks with her and I put her on the pill. I got Youthreach services involved, her school involved and spoke to experts in adolescence. I tried to get her to go to therapy of different types but because she was unwilling to attend, I could not physically get her into the car to take her.



My advise to you is first if you can don't put her on the pill, get some other form of long term contraception like the bar or the coil because the chances are, she wont take the pill, one needs to be responsible to take the pill every day, the teenagers we have had to deal with are not at all responsible.



I moved away with my other three children and she now resides with her Dad. My advise to you is if this behaviour continues, get a social worker involved and protect yourself and your other children. You and your other children deserve to live in peace

Lisa - posted on 02/02/2012

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What I may say might be hurtful but also helpful. I am the oldest of four children and been thru more hard times than most. The sister after me went thru the same thing and your child. She threw a knife at our little brother when she was younger, was addicted to drugs, almost killed herself, an had sex at a young age. ( our mom was an excellent mom so it wasnt our up bringing) She just choose that path. My mom sent her to an all girls center so she can get help. She also ended up in juivenlle detention for awhile before she could change. She got all the help she needed. She hit rock bottom and had to be seperated from home. Now she is a wonderful mom and a sister that I love more than anything. Please get your daughter some help before it gets to bed. It might kill you as a parent to do something harsh but in the long wrong it could be the thing that can save her life or someone elses . I hope everything works out the best for your family.

Shawn - posted on 01/08/2012

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Coming from a position of a therapist specializing in adolescent treatment, I have to say that I despise anyone labeling anyone under 20-24 years of age with a diagnosis. The human brain and hormonal levels do not mature until then, and the daily changes can cause depression symptoms, angry outburst, and worse. This is not to make light of her behavior, there is no excuse for her striking out at her siblings nor is it ok for her to lie about abuse of any kind.
Boundaries, set them and stick to them, put them in writing and make her read them aloud and sign that she understands. Be sure that the consequences fit the crime and are well stated so she knows what she stands to lose, including putting in the consequence of police and child services involvement. Demand that she go to therapy with a therapist that specializes in adolescents, and no matter what that therapist says be wary of anyone who would prescribe any medications to control her behavior, psycho-active medications have more chance of causing damage to the immature brain than they do of helping, especially anti-depressants. The hormonal fluctuations do not react well with meds.
If she threatens you with the police again take her up on it. Let her see the consequences of her actions.

Angie - posted on 01/07/2012

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I have a 14yo son that has been wreaking havoc horribly since April this year. I'm not sure where you are located, but in August, after calling the police on him 3 times for tearing stuff up in the house and leaving without permission, I filed an out of control with the juvenile office which is when I found out he was smoking pot, he went on probation and is currently in a treatment program. In your case, I would definitely be calling the police on her for her destructive behavior. What consequences do you give her for her behavior? She wouldn't be having any privileges in my home ~ no going out, no cell phone, no computer, etc. etc. until I seen some better behavior.

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User - posted on 02/04/2012

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The first thing I have to say is: YIKES! I feel for everyone involved. This is no way to live your life. Granted having teens can b challenging but this is obviously beyond chanllenging. Something is terribly wrong. From what you said, things have been terribly wrong for a long time. A child does not get to this level of aggression/anger/out-of-control behavior over night. Things have been brewing under the surface from childhood.

I think the questions here are the following: (1)the first thing to consider is a basic question every parent needs to ask themselves. Seriously look inside your self and figure out if u have given your child boundaries, rules, discipline, love etc, all these years. Maybe this is the outcome of a child that never learned consequences to her actions. (2) Another thing to consider is that your daughter may actually experienced some type of abuse from whoever (I'm not saying your husband necessarily) and your daughter is acting out because she doesnt know how to handle what has happended to her. (3)She may have a mental illness. Bipolar or something.



Regardless of what is the cause of her behavior, it sounds like you and your family will need a support system in place. Good luck. Dont wait anymore. It wont get any better on its own.

Tah - posted on 02/04/2012

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Tough love, have her removed from the home if you have to. You have to protect your family and yourself. The things she is doing are detrimental. Make a paper trail as long as you can because one day someone is going t o beleive what she is saying about you or your husband and it will not end well. When she runs away, have her sent to juvenile detention. when she assaults the other children or you, call the cops and have her taken away. Let her see what it's like and where her actions will end her up. Hey, see if you have a scared straight program near you. I hope it works out



http://www.circleofmoms.com/just-debates...

Jaquaia - posted on 01/15/2012

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The thing us mothers go through. I also have a child that is going through the same thing. She has lied on me she has tried to get my son taking away, she to has accused a family friend of rape. I had to put her in a hospital to keep everybody safe. once I stopped playing her game and being scared that one of her lies would hurt me, things got better. We still have problems but not as many. Teenage years are hard, try to talk to her with out yelling. once the yelling starts stop the conversation.

Angel - posted on 01/07/2012

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I should have called the police the morning she picked up the knife. Instead I took her to the doctors for help. Now i'm going to social services. I can't handle her anymore.

Angel - posted on 01/07/2012

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I get told to do one and f** off. She never listens to me. I work from home and it's like walking on egg shells with her. My 7 year old had teeth removed in hospital. My eldest got annoyed with her and hit her head against the wall. She has pulled my youngest off of the sofa hitting her head on the floor. She has tried to break my 13 year olds arm. Her answer is I don't care. After the other day when she picked up a knife (twice) to use, I knew that was breaking point. She is a compulsive liar. I was gob smacked the day she bruised her face and then tried to get me to admit to hiting her when I hadn't touched her. She is always getting kicked out of class. She tells the teacher to do one and has thrown her diary at them. My youngest won't sleep with her in her own room as she is petrified of her. I know her friends are horrified by the way she is at home. One girl at her school annoyed her, so my daughter got up and chased her out of school. My daughter can turn on the water works like a tap and when the audience has gone it's like nothing has happened with her. I know I'm not the only one with a kid like this. She refuses to see anyone. She told me I would regret taking her to the doctors. She told the doctor she hated me and my husband etc... and that people wind her up. One minute she is ok and then the next she turns. It's like all she sees is red.

Jane - posted on 01/06/2012

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One thing is to make sure that she understands that when she hits anyone or throws things at them, she is committing assault and you can and WILL call the police. And then DO it. Right now she figures she can get away with anything because she can. You need to set a limit that you will not permit her to cross.

And while it may be greatly dismaying that she is sexually active, at least by being on the pill it lessens the possibility of a pregnancy.

I have a bipolar son (who is also ODD, ADHD and Asperger's) and he was terrible for a long time, until he was reported for being violent. He wasn't arrested but he was talked to by the folks in uniform and I think finally realized that he had gone too far. He is still very unpleasant to live with but he hasn't hurt anyone else in a long time.

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