My 14 yr old daughter woke up a different person. Help me understand please.

KEITHA - posted on 03/17/2010 ( 32 moms have responded )

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She started her period about 4 months ago and I now have a new daughter. I love her but hate what her hormones are doing to both of US. She has her PC, IPOD, CELL PH and no longer needs me. I do snoop and went throught the cell ph and was SHOCKED by her text language. She is rude to everyone in her family and very distant. This is killing me. We were very close and I dont understand how to deal with these changes. I feel like I am failing at parenting. She is a straight A honor roll student and so far maintaining her grades. Wea are active and church and she cries almost every service. She will start high school in August and I am scared for what is to come. If anyone can relate, please give me some feedback I appreciate it.

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Jonelle - posted on 04/04/2010

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I went through a terrible 6 months or so with my 13 year old daughter. She began menstruating at a very young age, (10) so when the issues with her cropped up at 13 I didn't immediately assume it was hormonal. What I did notice was her distancing herself from everyone, not just me, and her general sense of anger (or teenage angst) at all times. It took me a while to determine it, but about 4 months into it I realized she was suffering from depression and I needed professional help to help her. As a single mom, she and I were extremely close, more like best friends than mother and daughter. It was very very difficult and there were many times I didn't think our relationship would be repaired. She also decided during that time to question her sexuality, which is apparently very common in that age group, even though she has never had a physical relationship with either male or female. Her mind and mood swings were racing so fast I could not keep up. A good therapist, anti-depressants and 1 year later I had my daughter back. Now, three years later our relationship is stronger than it was before, probably because I learned how to let her go a bit and not attempt to control her as much. She agreed the anti-depressants and therapy really helped. She is now 16, and we are as close as we have ever been. If you do a good job as a parent, demonstrate your unconditional love, be there for them through anything they go through and reserve judgment as much as possible, they will always come back. It is definitely a mother/daughter thing. I never went through this with my son. Hang in there, they do come back. But always watch for signs of depression, do not assume you are the only person she is distancing herself from.

[deleted account]

I agree with everyone...this is a magical age for kids- with good parts and bad parts. Some are in high school..ooh, that is a tough place at that age. It is like being at an action buffet in Vegas. So many choices...some good, some bad. If she has religious convictions and is trying to stay involved in that...that will be a great gage for her life. I think that we have to remember they are at the age were no, no, no...doesn't always work. Keep good communication with her. Tell her most definately when she is on a cliff, ready to fall over. I think that if she is accepting your texts...that is a good way to tell her daily you love her and you care about her. I do that often with my teens. They tell me that in the school day when they get those, that it can help them to make better choices and to know someone cares about them. They are wonderful...this is just the biggest rollercoaster ride in their lives. Just hang in there, keep your rules solid, be willing to talk (not scream and shout - I've gone through that, too)and remember she is still learning to make choices (she will succeed and fail). You are her very best champion and the one person she will rely on the most. It might be hard..but very much worth it.

Kathleen - posted on 03/17/2010

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I'm a thirteen year old. (Mom said to use hers and comment.) I started a few years ago. I think she sounds a bit like me. She's just trying to deal with the changes by herself. I was very distant with family then too. Still kinda am. I don't recommend making a big deal about it or worrying too much. You could try talking to her or hanging around her more. but don't actually bring that up. My mother and I use to be extremely close then it changed. We're just starting to get along again and txtn helps. If you ever really wanna talk to her, txt her. It may sound pointless, but us teenagers will express and admit our true feelings more freely through txt.

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Peggy - posted on 04/04/2010

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your young lady is in a transition, having to let go of being a child to a young woman. What u have given ur child in building up her foundation is in place. She carries this with her, as parents u have given her life and stability up to this point. Now what she is dealing with is inner reflections and self discovery of becoming a young woman. So do not freight.. let her know u care and always will be there for her.. as parents this is all we can do. My daughter thanks me every day and sends me letters.. for being there as a mom. There are times I wonder where my innocent girl went too, but I have been told she will get over this period of adjustment. My daughter began her journey into becoming a young woman at age 12 and been dealing with change for now three years!!!.. so I hope this helps u a bit.

Susan - posted on 04/03/2010

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I have a 15 year old who has similar hormone problems.I also had mood problems as a teenager and a very irregular menstrual cycle which seem to be a major factor in the hormonal imbalance.I consulted with our family doctor and decided to try using Yaz birth control,for the purpose of regulating her periods.She found she preferred the convenience of knowing when her period was due.The Doctor also talked to my daughter about her moods.He told her to recognise that if she finds more than one person irritates her,chances are its her,not them.He suggested learning methods af relieving stress,such as going for a walk or run.She had eyes like a Wildcat while receiving the advice,however she seems to use the advice and there has been a great improvement.

Davida - posted on 04/01/2010

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first of all i am sorry that any girl has to go thro this!! all that you can do is be there after everything evens out and yes it will even out sometime, but it will never be the same as it was before. If she is a girly girl take her to have her nails or eyebrows done it is really fun if you haven't had it done before and then yall can make a game out of who can get yalls evebrows done without yelling n then go out for a nice lunch. Just remember that the boy talk will be starting anytime, everytime you turn around a new boys name will be brought up. Make sure that she remembers that you are her mom first and foremost but are willing to sit there and talk about everything, yes even boys or makeup, hair dye, wanting weird color cloths and nail polish, good luck and my prayers for your santity lol

Carla - posted on 04/01/2010

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The Lord has sent me a blessing....this circle of moms....everything I am reading is what I'm living...I will have each of you in my prayers and asking God just to see us through...We have great girls...even if they are like they are now...

Caroline - posted on 04/01/2010

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I know this is a hard time and you don't know where your lilttle girl went - I feel that too. The teenage life is so hard and the pressure at school is terrible. Be there for her and tell her she can always talk to you and the you love her - don't be tempted to fight her when she's shouting at you - walk away. Be her mother more then her friend and have limits and curfews, but I think you should stop loking at her texts she deserves some privacy she is a real person as well as your child. Give her some rules and if she is sensible she will stick to them e.g. do your homework before you go anywhere at the weekend etc., she will see that you trust her and respond to that. Anyway that's what I feel but whose to say I've got it right? Best of luck x

Julie - posted on 03/31/2010

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do something fun together, how about a spa week end? something girly and more adult so she will feel that you understand that she is growing. take time to laugh together and enjoy each other's company. if she has a hobby e.g. like reading vampire books could you read them to so you ahve something to talk about?

Bridgette - posted on 03/30/2010

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First of all, take her to the doctor and explain the change since her cycle has started. Second, She is female and a teenager. You are her worst enemy cause you care and eventhough you have been where she is, you don't uderstand.

Maitet - posted on 03/30/2010

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Teen girls will have their moods, upswing and downswing, because once they start menstruating, the hormones are at work. They probably don't understand a lot of things that are happening to them and at the same itme, they're feeling awkward about such changes. When we parents get our menses, we also turn moody, so it does happen too with our teens .. the difference being, we can control ourselves better. Just be there for her, and when she's in a good mood, try doing some bonding activities or just interact more. When she's in a bad mood, just be around but not exactly in her way, As they say, 'don't sweat the small stuff'. So minor things, learn to let go, save putting your foot down nad no compromising for the bigger issues. Set the limits, reason out with them, and be firm, but keep the connection. And just like pre-menopausal women do, plan your food diet properly. It does affect the moods. I'm a believer in tofu and the family of soya foods. Aside form incorporating iti n our meals, i also give my daughter this soya-based balanced nutrition called Reliv, It has helped not only my teen daughter, but the rest of the family as well, in maintaining our immune system and preventing sickness. My kids are genetically predisposed to asthma / eczema / allergies but no sign of it so far. And they don't get sick; if someone's having the runs or on the verge of getting fever or flu, I just let them take more of Reliv shakes, and they're back to normal the next day. It helps them manage their moods / hormones, and minimises breakouts / acne, and helps them excel in sports and have full concentration in their schoolwork. Let me know if oyu need more info. Don't worry too much .. .this is only a phase, it will pass.

LaShonda - posted on 03/29/2010

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In a way consider yourself lucky. My daughter started her period when she was 9 and we've been emotionally out of sync ever since. She's now going on 18 and we've become closer. Do stop being an active and concerned parent in her life. Show her that no mattter what you do care and love her. Talk about some of your feelings as a teenager with her menstrual. Maybe she can relate to the teen in you rather than the parent. Teens speak a whole different language when your not around. I wouldn't be too alarmed by her text messages. Sometimes that language is just peer pressure related. Start having some weekend sleep overs with some of her friends and show her that your not so stuffy. She may start to feel a little more at ease coming to you and opening up. Good luck.

Victoria - posted on 03/28/2010

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IM VERY SORRY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU LUCKILY I HAVENT WENT THRU THAT WITH MY OLDEST DAUGHTER. ME AND HER ARE BEST FRIENDS SHE IS A JUNIOR AND SHE STILL TELLS ME EVERYTHING. ALL MY GIRLS LOVE BEING UNDER ME ALL DAY AND GOES EVERYWHERE WITH ME. I KNOW WE SHOULDNT BE FRIENDS WITH THEM BUT LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM. TRY TO UNDERSTAND AND DONT BE SO CRITICAL TOWARD THE THINGS THAT THEY ENJOY OR LIKE. LISTEN TO THEM AND MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND. BE THERE TO UNDERSTAND AND HELP THEM GET THRU WHATEVER SHE'S GOING THRU. KEYWORD LOVE HER FOR WHATEVER REASON.

Kristi - posted on 03/27/2010

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Unfortunately I cannot relate to what most you mothers out ther are or have gone thru with your daughters. My 16 yr old daughter who lives with her dad in Colorado (and he has had custody of her and her brother for about 8 yrs now) went throught that with out her mom, me. It hurt me very badly not to be there for her...to answer questions...or whatever she needed. Luckily, she did have a stepmom to be there for her...but it still hurt me bad. So, even though you moms out there are going through tough times with your daughters, at least you have them with you. I had to miss it all, and alot of other stuff as well. And, from what I hear, things do get better!! (as far as the hormones go, I mean)! Hang in there moms...i know you are all doing your best.

Tammy - posted on 03/27/2010

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As a mom of a teen, I had to learn not to dominate my daughter. I treat her with respect and expect it from her. Sometimes thru PMS I swear her head is going to spin on her shoulders at any moment. I think that as a teen they are trying to find out who they really are. As for facebook or myspace, just monitor it. I am shocked at some of the things I see that others are saying, but constantly remind my daughter what ever is on the computer can follow you for life. She stays very active in school with sports, ROTC, student council and is in a band and active in her youth group and makes good grades. My best advice is to not to try to cross the line and be her friend... Your her mother. And dont be judgemental to her or her friends. Keep communication open and make time for just the two of you and make sure her father has daddy and daughter time together regularly-- super important! But most of all pray for your daughter everyday and also ask for guidance that you will be a good role model for her. It gets better I promise!

Diane - posted on 03/26/2010

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Don't worry. The vampire thing is probably because of twilight, new moon, etc. My daughter's best friend went thru the same thing a few years ago, read all the Anne Rice books. She is now a very creative peaceful soul. It's not unusual for a teen to obsess over something at somepoint. Continue to try to take an interest in what she is passionate about. She will appreciate the fact that you are making an effort and respect her choices, even when it's not your cup of tea.

Vicki - posted on 03/26/2010

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I assume by "Vampire Books" you mean Twilight Series (Twilight, New Moon, Breaking Dawn, & Eclipse)? These are fine for your pre-teen/teen to read, and even as a mom, I have been a little obsessed with reading them myself. Most teens/moms I know that have read the series can't put it down and have re-read them several times. I have browsed & even read some of the other "Vampire Series" books (to see what else is appropriate for my kids to read). I wouldn't even let my 16 year old read those (Blue Blood Series, Vampire Diaries, or Sookie Stackhouse series). There's too much sex and violence in those. I have an eleven year old (almost 12) who started her period right after her 11th birthday. That first weekend I cried, because she totally shut me out of her life & her room. This was my cling on chid that suddenly did not want anything to do with me. She is still EXTREMELY hormonal, but I do have my sweet daughter back, when not pre-menstrual/menstrual (so for about 2 weeks each month we're good). For example, she called me this morning yelling and crying that we were out of milk and she's on her period, and she can only eat Honey Nut Cheereos with milk, or she'll throw-up. Major Drama! That said, I have allowed her to read the Twilight Series and it gives us something to talk about and relate to with each other. Good luck. I will pray for you. These are hard years.

Marcia A - posted on 03/26/2010

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I needed to hear that. My 16 year is like battling with a ninja -- crazy at times. She seems to be going through the "very casual" about school phase. I am a single parent however, my daughter has been in really good private schools all of her life. To see this casual attitude all of a sudden is more than alarming because I am paying a lot of money for her to get a good education. Having a conversation with her is just a joke. She does not want to hear, she knows it all, and of course, I'm totally stupid. She is graded because 2 c's are not all right when it's just being lazy.

However, I really trying to put her back in God's hands and to keep my sanity in the process. We must keep praying because if we stop, the enemy will totally win.

Help Jesus help!

Erika - posted on 03/25/2010

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We are going through the same thing. My daughter is 13 and started about 8 months ago. I know it may sound silly but I've actually been able to turn it into a bonding opportunity, as we are in this together , since our cycles have synced up. Really good chocolate and a movie at night after everyone else is in bed has become one of my favorite times with her. I'm just hanging in there and hoping we can get through this together!

Charity - posted on 03/25/2010

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I can say the same about my daughter. It was like that day came and she became a total different person. Mainly mood swings and attitude. I don't have to worry about boys at the moment, because she's honestly focused on her goals in life. Plus a girl down the street that's a year older than her is pregnant helps in that matter. She made the honor and Principals list all last year. This year she made it the first 2 and all the sudden she's bringing home C's.
She doesn't want a cell phone, she has a Zune. Now when it comes to her computer, I can access anything she does online, so she knows not to do anything stupid.

My best advice is to just give her enough space, but not to much that she can run loose with it. Let her know that no matter what, you will always be there when she needs to talk to you. Sometimes, my daughter will tell me things, I never saw myself talking to my mom about. I like that she feels safe talking to me. So keep up the parenting, your doing a wonderful job. Explain to her that she can't be rude to family, because family is all you got.

Vicki - posted on 03/25/2010

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I've not experienced it so much myself with my daughter, but when she was 12 she went through a stage -- whether it was hormones or depression, not sure -- but she was very prone to outbursts, short tempers, and crying jags. It seemed to happen more with my husband than with me, probably because I knew when to drop it and let her have some space. My husband would react to her outburst with his own temper outburst, she'd burst into tears, storm to her room, and slam the door. A few minutes later, he'd feel bad about it, go in and try to soothe things over. As I told him (and later the psychologist we took her to told him), you can't try to buddy up to her and be her friend after she does stuff like that. It just encourages her to act up more. Let her have her space, talk about it rationally when she's feeling better, but don't apologize for upsetting her. Let her know that she still needs to respect you.

Good luck! You will get through it. My daughter has become a wonderful young lady who is deep in her faith and trusts that God will bring her through the rough patches. Our relationship with each other has grown as a result of the struggles she went through at that time.

Rachel - posted on 03/25/2010

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GIVE ME SOME ADVICE WHILE YOU ARE AT IT. mY 14 YR. OLD HAVE NOT HAD FUN SINCE SHE TURNED 14!

Carlena - posted on 03/25/2010

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It will pass. My daughter did the same thing and now she is 16 and is over the most trying part. Sure, once a month I'd like nothing more than to stick her on the curb with a sign that says "free to good home" but she is no longer going out of her was to be rude and withdrawn. It's normal. It is the beginning of them gaining their independence. It sucks, but it has to happen if they are going to grow into adults.

Tammy - posted on 03/25/2010

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My daughter did the exact same thing. So you are not alone. The mood changes and fit throwing about killed me. But after a what seemed like forever( which was actually about 6 months) she went to back to being herself again. Even more responsable and grown up. During that 6 months though there was alot of crying from both of us. And alot of fights. Hopefully your daughter is jusy expierancing the horrible hormones and will soon be herself again. Until then just remember who you know she is and how much you love her.

Jane - posted on 03/24/2010

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My daughter is now almost 20. I went through the same thing with her. She was also a straight A student, generally a great kid, very active in cheerleading, band, choir, etc. But, she her and I were pretty miserable together from about 13 to 17. I think it's just a mom/daughter thing. My advice is stay involved even if she doesn't want you to, continue to talk even if you don't think she's listening, continue to discipline even if she says she hates you, tell her you love her even when you're mad as hell and count to 10 before getting into an argument with her. Don't back down on what you believe is the right thing because you might be tempted to in order to create a friendship so she'll like you better. It won't work...be the parent and be consistent. I guarantee you, it ends. My daughter and I are back to being very close...she even defended me when I told her 16 year old brother he was being snotty...he argued he wasn't being snotty and my daughter said "yeah you were". It cracked me up. You'll survive...but a few grey hairs may appear ;)

Julie - posted on 03/24/2010

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I am right there with you all, My 13 year old started about 8 months ago but the mood swings started about 6 months before then. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. My daughter spends most of her time reading. I don't think I seen her face in weeks it always has a book in front of it. She no longer talks to me, except about the vampire books, I try to be interested but I am a little worried about how obsessed she is with it. I really hope this stage passes soon.

Berni - posted on 03/23/2010

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My daughter was the same way.....I call it the "Sybil" phase because you don't know which personality you're going to get when she wakes up. My daughter got her period when she was 12 & still in the 6th grade. She was a straight A & B student; she started middle school, and she made the Honor Roll the first semester. As soon as Spring semester started, she stopped caring about her grades, even though I stayed on top of her about her homework & grades...didn't care or stopped making an effort. The same thing happened in 8th grade...did fine in the Fall & started to go down hill in the Spring. Now she is 17 & a Jr. in h.s., and she is looking forward to going to college. However, she has realized that her dream of going out of state for college is gone because she had the same "I don't care" attitude during her freshman & sophmore yrs. of h.s. Now that she is on the downhill side of puberty, I feel that I'm getting my daughter back. Although, we still have our PMSter & Sybil moments...especially once we started being on the same cycle...holy cow!! :))



So my best advice is to stay on top of her like you're doing & keep her involved w/church. She's is going to push away more to see how far she can go w/her new found freedom of being 14, reign her in...you're still the mom. And remember that you are doing a great job...don't let her try to tell or show you otherwise. Teens need limits too..she may tell you she doen't like her limitations, but she will know that you still love & care about her by giving her limits.

[deleted account]

it sounds like you are talking about me and my daughter. i can relate totally to every single thing you said. i even drop her off at school a different person than when i pick her up. i feel like she is embarrassed of me. we used to go EVERYWHERE together and as much as she loves the mall, she doesn't even want to go there with me. I am constantly being told not to take it personal and that this is normal behavior for a teenager. i just not expect this from me and my daughter. but, i am trying to take that advice and no matter how much she hurts my feelings i try to keep the door of communication open. i say what needs to be said and move on, i tell her everyday that i love her (even though sometimes i get the eye roll), and i hug her often even though i don't usually get hugged back.

KEITHA - posted on 03/23/2010

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They say there's nothing like a praying mother. Now a circle of friends at church all has facebook. I signed her up and have access to her password and I check it daily. Now I have seen some comments I don't approve on her personal chats that she doesn't delete but i am choosing my battles. Nothing terrible just kinda out there. I figured that she could sign up for this without me or I could sign her up and have access. Times have changed since I was a teenager and there is so much more trouble out there it just frightens me.

Dellre - posted on 03/22/2010

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I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING. I HAVE A 13 YEAR OLD THAT ONE DAY SHE WAS PLAYING WITH THE DOLLS NOW IT IS HARD TO EVEN TALK TO HER . I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING IN THE BOOKS.... BUT WITH HER HORMONES GOING WILD I HAVE TO MONITER EVERYTHING SHE DOES..... I DO NOT WANT TO PUSH HER AWAY BUT SOMETIMES SHE MAKES ME SO UPSET I HAVE TOO TAKE THE LABTOP,PHONE AND HER IPOD BECOUSE ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT IS BOYS WITH ALL THE OTHER LITTLE GIRLS..... SHE WANTS A MYSPACE I TRIED TO MAKE SURE SHE DOES NOT HAVE ONE BUT DO I REALLY KNOW.......I AM SO SCARED I AM LOOSING MY BABY GIRL.. BUT HAVING THIS CIRCLE OF MOMS AND READING WHAT THEY WROTE I KNOW I AM NOT BY MYSELF..........THIS TOO SHALL PASS AND ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY AND KEEP HER AS BUSY AS I CAN...............

Kathleen - posted on 03/18/2010

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Thank you and you're welcome. Try mother/daughter dates. Like going to the movies or out to eat. Even going to the park and walking around. Make sure it's stuff she'll enjoy. You could even take her to a movie rental place thing and both of you agree on a few movies and stay up watching them. It's something most girls would actually enjoy. = ) enjoy and good luck. (NetFlix is great!)

KEITHA - posted on 03/18/2010

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Thank you so much for responding. She is such a blessing my first born and I want her to know that this part in our lives is a learning process for both of us. I agree with the idea of texting since one day we had words and i texted her to tell her the reason i got defensive was because she hurt my feelings and she replied by saying "ok". Then a few minutes later she texted "sorry" i said "me too" and it felt good. When I talk with her face to face it doesn't end well. I try to hang around her more by asking her to watch movies, play board games ...things we used to do but she never wants to. My kids have been so close to me that I guess I need to not take it so personal and worry like you said. You are a very smart girl, thanks for your help.

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