My 15 year old Daughter and (Stepfather) my Husband cannot stand each other anymore

Rose - posted on 01/23/2010 ( 60 moms have responded )

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My husband and daughter are both reactive personalities an dislike each other's behaviors. I have been married for 6 years and this attitiude has worsened to the point that she will not come home and he says if she does, he will leave. I have tried to get them to understand each other and respect each other's differences. The both refuse and blame each other. I have reminded him that he is the adult but he says he has put up with enough and is done with her. I am at a loss. I can't make them compromise and it is tearing me apart. I should not have to choose but my obligations are to my daughter. Suggestions? I just want to run away.

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Beth - posted on 02/07/2010

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My husband (stepfather) has been ignoring by daughter for nearly 5 years now. He really does not speak to her at all, not even to ask her to turn her stereo down (he asks me to do it) I have felt pulled between the two of them for some time. I just recently spoke to a therapist about this and was told that his behavior is considered abuse! How can I stay in a relationship that will harm my daughter in the long run? My first responsibility is to her always, she did not choose this relationship, I did!

Jeanine - posted on 01/25/2010

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I kind of have a similar problem with my 13 year old daughter and my husband ( her stepfather ). They are very similar and often butt heads......at first we did the same things....telling my husband "you are the adult, act like it" and that seemed to make matters worse. Teenage girls (in my eyes) don't like authority from people who are not biologicly theirs....So now my husband just listens to her when she talks and talks when she asks......I am the authority to her...though I never make decisions without my husband...I am the one to tell her what to do and what not to....They have become alot closer since he has stopped trying to rule her life directly.. He just rules her life with me. So in other words he needs to maybe back off alittle and give her some growing space to find herself....and you should be the enforcer with of course your husbands consent and knowledge....

Sara - posted on 01/30/2010

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My 14 year old daughter feels the same way about my husband of 3 years and it is possibly the most painful agony I have ever felt. Family counseling was the only path to any resolution and peace for us. Expecting us to feel like a family or origin was an unrealistic expectation so I had to come to the understanding that this family was to be unlike any other any of us had experienced. But I realized very recently, my daughter comes first as long as she is not yet an adult. I considered the possibility that I made a mistake and should have waited to remarry until she was out of high school. I also realized I did not want to give in to her teen demands. Be very careful that her father is not feeding this and possibly get him involved in counseling on some family level to teach him how destructive undermining your marriage is to your daughter, if this is happening. Ask her if there is any conpromise. My daughter felt as though she was given no choices and the step father was the easiest target to express the angst of these difficult years. But I had to lay it down for my husband and let him know I expected him to be an adult and if he couldn't, then he needed to find a way to be or leave. Your child came first and will be gone soon enough. By not doing anything, you are perhaps doing the worst thing unintentionally. I had to imagine what it would be like, the harm and pain I am causing, if I didn't spend the last few years I have with my daughter at home, loving her and preparing her for the world. I also understand feeling that we are allowed to be happy and not be alone. So jump head first into counseling like your lives depend on it, because they do .The book, Yes Your Teen is Crazy is also wonderful. And please remember, she will soon be out in the world alone with whatever feelings about the world she got at home. Her step father has the potential to make those feelings much more stable if he really wants to. And if he doesn't, he is hurting you as well as her and you don't need him. Best of luck. You are not alone.

Silka - posted on 01/28/2010

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I think I've just realized that "normal" teenage behavior is completely nuts to an outsider and only someone that has a biological connection to the child has the strength and obligation to hang in there through it. I had a step-mom growing up that tried to come into my home and "lay down the law" so to speak because she perceived what my dad was doing as too lenient. Looking back, I can now appreciate some of what she did for me and my older brother because boundries were set that kept us healthier (having set meal times and not being allowed to graze on snack foods whenever we wanted, and not being allowed to watch TV anymore but being told to go play outside), but in the same turn, it was such a shock to have this "stranger" in our home that was so totally the opposite of our mother and our dad for that matter and she was so strict and sensitive that my dad had to be a different person around her. I always resented her for that and thought my dad had just settled on someone to occupy the mom role in our house and didn't take the time to find someone that really loved and appreciated him for who is was. I believe my husband loves me, but it is very similar. He is so high strung, strict, and sensitive that none of us can just relax and just "be", UNLESS my older two kids are gone for the weekend, then he can relax, but the second they come home he gets a scowl on his face, ignores them, or starts barking orders at them to start cleaning, and he says things to them in such a disrespectful way with sarcasm and disdain. He never makes an attempt to praise them, and because they aren't his kids he doesn't feel an obligation to do anything for them. He treats them like they are guests in HIS home, and that is not Ok. So I too am torn, between trying the best I can to see my teenager through this normal but totally insane time in her life, and trying to stand by my man so to speak, and sometimes I just wish that my husband could see that he is making the situation worse, not better, and maybe he has the right to be "set free" of this marriage, but as I said to him, I will no sooner cast him out of this family than I would cast out my daughter. We all belong here and we all have a place, for better or worse. Yes, my daughter will move out and on with her life someday, but she is way to young for me to abandon her now, and he needs to trust me that I know what I am doing with her. He needs to stop trying to change us! He is not "improving" us because he is trying to make us more like him, we need to meet in the middle and we all need to adapt to eachother, but he seems so stubborn and set in his ways that I feel like I am the only one making compromises on his behalf, when he makes no effort to spend time with my kids and get to know them. After reading the step-mom posts on here I can say that we are all in different situations, of course there are always two sides to every story, but all in all raising teenagers is excruciating but temporary, and marriage is also very hard, trying to combine the two takes amazing strength, and there is a reason why there is a 75% chance that a step-family will end in divorce, but then again many parents of teenagers also get divorced because they don't have the strength to hang in there and trust that it is just a phase. I guess it brings out the true colors. I keep thinking though, if my husband can't handle this, then how would he handle it if I became terminally ill, or our family faced some other type of advirsity, would he always just run away and hide in the bedroom?

Sheri - posted on 02/06/2010

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i understand...i was there....sometimes i still am. we've been to counseling and the best advice that was given and the hardest advice i've had to work through is this...they have to have their own relationship and you can't get involved in it. i know it hurts to be pulled in different directions. when my daughter and husband get into it and if i step in between i'm told by either him or her "you always take his/her side." have you tried family counseling? if not i suggest you do. your husband needs to realize that until your daughter turns 18 you are still legally responsible for her. you also need to find out if she's acting this way because you married him and didn't like him to begin with. I don't know your personal situation but if her biological dad is in the picture still she may be angry because you and he aren't married or together. there is an underlying cause but in order to find it you all need to go to counseling or maybe just start with sending your daughter to counseling. it's not a bad thing, my daughter has been going since she was 9, she's 18 know and only goes when she needs to. Good luck.

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Claire - posted on 04/12/2014

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It's on and off in my house hold, this evening my 15 year old daughter of my previous relationship farted in her 6 year old sisters face (daughter of my partner) whilst eating her orange, usually the 6 year old would laugh but today she got very upset because it smelt, my 6 year old came in the kitchen crying very upset whilst my 16 year old could not stop laughing, I told my 6 year old to calm down as her sister was only joking and it's only a smell, as when she does it we all laugh! I knew she was tired and just tryed to make light of the situation, then she said I'm going upstairs to tell daddy! When she did her sister said to me he is angry I said no can't be, he then told his step daughter not to do it again very serious In which she rebelled back! This then became an argument between me and my partner as he said she should not answer him back in which I told him that his reaction was over the top, my younger daughter then became upset with her dad shouting and started blaming herself. I'm always on edge to whats gonna happen next and it always seems like it's his way or my teenage daughter is out which I would never allow, it's seems like if she was his daughter he would react in a different way

Coca - posted on 12/15/2013

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My daughters are 16 & 20. They both have this thing of threat issues with their stepfather. 16 y.o. tries to get control but fighting with a threat in the conversation. Church activities are taken away and good grades are to be asked before
anything. Be tuff! Contract!

Jeannette - posted on 09/20/2013

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I have a 13 year old daughter and I also have a girlfriend (partner) that lives with us. We have been together for 4 years so it is not a new relationship. There is always animosity between them and I'm always in the middle. They get along great when is just the two of them but when is the three of us is like they both competing for my attention. They push each other buttons to annoy each other and its really annoying and frustrating. I have explained to my daughter that she doesn't need to compete with anybody for her place in my life, she will always be my daughter and i love her with all my heart and that my relationship with my girlfriend is a different kind that the love i feel for my girlfriend is not in the same category as my love for her so there doesn't need to be any competition and vice versa but nothing has worked yet. I'm at my wits end I need help they are driving me insane. They both admit to loving each other and when I'm mad at one of them the other sticks up for them but I just can't stand going out with both of them I always end up with a migraine.

Laura - posted on 10/18/2012

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Unfortunately in the area we live in, there have been "bad" drugs going around. on 9/11 she woke up in a house where everyone but her was dead. two weeks ago another friend of hers was found too. Last night she left in a huff and wont respond to my calls. I have been up all night worried. I am almost ashamed to say, I have to ask her to leave. My efforts to help are only taken advantage of and she has no respect for me. I have other children that are suffering due to the amount of time and attention my adult child requires. The time and attention i give arent the issue if it were helping. Unfortunately she is an addict, and home is just the calm before her next storm.

Temeka - posted on 10/17/2012

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I'm so sorry to hear this about your daughter. Just pray for her and keep God first he will work it out for you.

Laura - posted on 10/17/2012

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My daughter is now 21. I have been married to my husband, her stepfather for 13 years. I have been a referee for their arguments for 13 years. I am now on the verge of leaving him. My husband is argumentative and an instigator. we went to counseling several times over the years, he is a charmer and knows how to play the counselor. He would say one thing there and do another at home. When i brought up to the counselor that he would antagonize a reaction from you no matter what it took, I was told not to argue back , that you cant argue unless there are two parties participating. Well I can tell you, he can argue by himself. He will not stop until there is a reaction even if it is the other person in tears. Even then it does not stop. If I had to do all this over, i would have left long ago. My beautiful, intelligent little girl, full of hope and promise is now an adult, a heroin addict and a felon. I wonder every time she leaves, will this be the time I get the call she is dead, either from an overdose or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wonder if I will be dragging her out of another drug den when she calls saying she was raped again. I wish there was a way to go back in time, I would erase this man from my existence. I do believe his behavior to her and me over the years is the reason.

Vicki - posted on 02/07/2010

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I dont have any advice because I am lost myself.I have been married for 6 years and I have 3 grown children and my husband has a 13 yr old son and a last year we got custody of his stepdaughter who is 15.Her mother died when she was 3.She has been living with her aunt until last year.She begged to come and live with us ,so that's what happened.Now that she's been here for awhile and gotton comfortable,she thinks everything is suppose to be about her.We have given her rules to follow but if I didn't enforce them,my husband wouldn't.He always gives in and makes me look like the bad one.She would be totally out of control if there were no rules.She lies and she sneaks and does stuff.She cannot have a conversation with either one of us about anything,but whines about everything that does not go her way.She will call her grandmother and she will come and pick her up without even asking us.I am so frustrated...she will call my husband and if she gets a no answer then she will call me.I have took several steps back and just do not know what to do.Does anyone have any advice?

Debbie - posted on 02/05/2010

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I know how you feel my daughter doesn't get alone with my husband and she moved out , but she is now 18 , she stayed with us at 15 and then things got bad and I let her move in with my sister for awhile, then she came back home to try this again for a while it was good then it turned bad again so she left my home at 17 in a half and now lives with her boyfriend and his mom and Dad and in the 12 grade , but she still don't like my husband, she even said I was her best friend until my husband came in my life. we talk to each other by email and I love her very much and on get togethers , I see her at my mom's and I cry because I miss her sooo much( The reason they didn't get alone she didn't like the way he punish her, grounding all the time

Ester - posted on 02/05/2010

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If hubby is willing to go for counciling for her sake and your marraige's sake, good. Try to get hold of the book "The five love languages". It helps a great deal with any relationship and especially for teenagers. I hope he is willing to work on it, otherwise I believe he is out. Tell him that he did not get (or need) a daughter - she got (and needs) a father and that is HIS reponsibility to seek and find her.

I will be prayin for u

Ronda - posted on 02/04/2010

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Sadly I would tell him get over it or there is the door, my kid would always come first. She can't leave she if forced to deal with living in a home where she has an issue with a person who is not her parent. Teens act mean as they assert their independence but adults don't need to say stuff like they are done with a child. It sounds like something more is going on other than they just don't like each other.

Michelle - posted on 02/02/2010

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the one thing i forgot to mention is to try to talk to your daughter and explain to her that she is eventually going to be having a life of her own and that you need someone to love and care for and that while he claims to not care and love your daughter, he is still providing her with a roof on her head and helping paying for the bills and food, etc.

Heather - posted on 02/02/2010

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I didn't get along with my step dad at that age. We use to fight. All I can say is it will get better. My step dad (who I now call dad) calls me more then my mom. My advice would be to have a talk with your daughter, let her know you love her and respect her but Her step father is a part of your life too. And has been for some time now. I would tell her you don't have to like it but she need to respect you and him because he is a part of you life. I would have a talk with him too, she is a teen and trying to get her indepences. My mom sat me down and said I may not likeit but he is a part of her life and I may not like it but was basicly gonna have to deal with it. I wouldn't go that way, But I would try talking her like you would another adult. Good luck

Inga - posted on 02/02/2010

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OMG...I'm so glad to see that I'm not alone wit this dilemma. I have a 17 y/o dtgr and I have been wit my partner since she was 11 y/o. A few months into the relationship I got pregnant with our dgtr, she is now 4 y/o. My 17 y/o and my partner have a up and down relationship; it's mostly down though. I started seeing a drastic change in her when she started middle school. Her friends, grades, attitude all went down hill. My partner tried to bring certain things to my attention but I just didn't want to see that "my little girl was changing for the worse." She started doing things, he would catch her, bring it to my attention, and she would get angry that she got caught and started blaming him for everthing. It was hard for me to see her going down this path. The lies and sneakiness got out of hand, she ran away and after that I sent her to live wit her dad. She lived wit her dad and his family for 2 yrs. and while she was gone I was at peace and had no drama (except on occassion). Things finally came to a boiling point at her dad's house, so she ended up coming back to live wit us. She told me and my partner that she was very sorry for how she acted and learned the error of her ways. It's been a yr and one month since she's been back home and the following events have occurred: she ran away (for 3 months), dropped out of regular high school, smoking marijuana, late for curfew (sometimes), staying out all nite, enrolled her in an alternative high school (been suspended 3 times in 4 months), shoplifting, physically attacking my partner, and now she is pregnant....WHEWWWW.

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster wit her. I love her but I don't like the things that she does. I have tried and tried and so has my partner. She has even had in-home counseling and still ran away. He has washed his hands of her and then after a while he tries again to get along wit her becuz he loves me and does not want to leave his dgtr. My only relief is when she is not at home. She has some days where there is no drama and all is good but that does not last tooo long becuz I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. She will be 18 in November and GOD help me, I have told her that she will be an adult (legally) and will I no longer have to provide for her or be responsible for her or her actions.

I pray all the time for her and that she starts making better decisions about her life and her future. I would love for her to stay at home, work, and go to college. I have expressed to her time after time. The ball is in her court now.

I have my days that I too want to run away wit my 4 y/o and don't look back but that would not be fair to anyone so I keep up tha fight and keep talking to God. All of this has put a strain on my relationship wit my partner and there have been times when he has threatened to leave and I have told him to leave if he did not like it but it's not me he has a problem wit. Unfortunately, financially I cannot support my family on my salary alone. Sometimes I wish it were possible for me to do so, then if he wants to leave he can go but I know it's not fair to our little one becuz she needs both parents.

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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you have to remind your husband that your daughter came first and its a package deal and if he don't like it, then you have to sit down and think of your priorities. i'm divorced and remarried and the first thing i told my husband is that the kids are a package deal and that if he wanted me in his life, the kids come also and i'm not giving them up for any man and he accepted them with open arms. my son and him have their disagreements but overall they accept each other for who they are and get along pretty decient.

Heather - posted on 01/31/2010

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I am sorry that you have so much life strain. I can see this from both the child side and the mom side. I was the product tof a divorce and my mom remarried, and now I have done the same with my life.
My mother chose her husband twice over her children, my older brother and me, when we were teenagers. She said that he was more important and that we were too much trouble so we could just go live with our father. We have never recovered from that.
I have vowed, now being the mom of 3, that I would never do that. I will never put my husband in front of my children, but I also will not allow them to make me the center of their fights. The teenagers are 16 and 13. When they want me to pick a side, I refuse, because as you know, that is a no win situation. Even if one is obviously right, I refuse to take sides. It is their fight and I will not get into the middle of it, this also makes my husband begin to behave more like an adult than he is used to. He cannot come running to me to end it by saying "you are right".
I told my husband from the beginning my children come first, and I will never be forced to choose between him or them, but if it came down to it, they come first. He knows what my mother did and I will never do that to my children. That is just enough that he is willing to walk the line.
I wish you the best of luck.

Miriam - posted on 01/31/2010

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hello I know how you feel there i have been given that its her or me, that is not the answer he shouldnt put you in that situation. I made my choice and that ws my daughter and guess what my husband is still here.

Rose - posted on 01/29/2010

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Although, having someone to runaway with would make it much easier, I have to stand my ground at home. For now, I am just focusing on my daughter's needs and if he chooses not to be a part of helping her get through these trying times, oh well, I have made it clear that I am there for her. We are in the calm after the storm for now. But I definitely recognize and dread the pattern.

Rose - posted on 01/29/2010

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I have a family counselor that will be coming starting next month. My husband says that it is not his problem and wants no part of counseling. "Let them fix her" I am just focusing on her for now and helping her through this time of her life. Clinging to the words, "This too shall pass" is my daily passage.

Jeannie - posted on 01/29/2010

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I feel bad for you, I was that teen once and I couldnt wait till i turned 18 just so i could move out and that's exactly what I did. My stepfather and I never got along, I couldn't stand him and he couldnt stand me, my mother kind of stayed out of it and I did my best to avoid him. When i turned 18, that very month I moved out, went thru hell on my own for about a year and married my boyfriend because i felt it was my only way out, lived in a loveless marriage for 18 yrs, have 2 daughters and i just recently left their father. That was the result for me.
Your daughter should always come first, your husband is manipulating you with threats and thats very immature of him. He's supposed to be the adult, no one ever said teens are easy to deal with!
I really wish you the best, but like someone else mentioned, men/partners come and go, your children will always be there. Good luck

Donna - posted on 01/29/2010

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I know how that is, I am a step-mom of my husbands 2 sons. The older son is 17 and I don't like him at all. He is very unappreciative and disrespectful to his Dad (my husband). When he is not here our home is filled with love and happiness. When he is here it feels tense. My husband and I talk about it, we decided that until his son can be respectful and appreciative and abide by our rules, he will have limited time at our home. My husband has 50/50 custody of him and full custody of his 13 yr old. We have no problems with the 13 yr old. My suggestion would be to have a sit down, and calmly talk about what is going on. Tell them both how unhappy this is making you and ask what can be done to make things better between them. Sounds like your husband really needs to be the adult, and if he doesn't like being around your daughter then he can just avoid her. and her him. That's what I do when my step-son is here. I know its not easy.

Emily - posted on 01/28/2010

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oh, rose i know the feeling... i have a 12 year old daughter who is constantly at battle with her step dad. i am so sick of being a refferee!! i cant seem to get through to either of them. my man acts like a bigger kid than she does most of the time and i have had the same convo until i amm blue in the face. they simply hate one another. i keep telling him she is just 12 she is supposed to be an a double s and that he is a grown man with no excuse for acting the way he does but nothing has worked. i have tried to seperate them, dared them both to even speak to one another, stayed completely out of it and made them work it out on there own( which only resulted in a physical fight). i have 2 kids with this man and really dont want to leave him over it but have even threatened to that as well if they cant get along. i feel like it is the adults place to be the bigger person and simply cannot tolerate his attitude twords her. my obligation is to my daughter as well. i really have no advice as i am out of ideas...how bout we run away together...lol let me know if you can get anything to work because i am down to leaving him or killing them both... she just simply refuses to turn back a page and he refuses to acknowledge his contribution to her behavior. we have been together since she was 7 and he acts like i want her to be like that and it is really causing turmoil in my life.i just cant referee anymore i am to the point that i dont care if they kill one another. i am concerned for the other kids living with all this tension between them and what they must think when dad and sissy are going at it so i am with you i want to run away.

Mary - posted on 01/28/2010

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Teenage daughter with a step-dad. Pack your bags now and come back in 5 years!!! Do it, run....- seriously take a well need weekend with the girls or by yourself.



signed mother of two teenage daughters w/ a step dad!!

Stacey - posted on 01/27/2010

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I feel for you, I have been in this same situation. Both sides of it. When I was 13 Me and my step dad didn't get along. We never did we tolerated each other for my moms benifit, but only after years of therepy. I left home when I was 13 and took care of myself because of it. Now I'm in a situation where my son and signifent other don't get along. I'm trying everything to fix this problem. I wish you all the luck. I would suggest a counselor. That is the only thing I can suggest. Good luck!!

[deleted account]

Rose...



I am so sorry to hear about your dismay. But PLEASE know that I understand. Though my daughter and husband have a pretty good respectful relationship now...it has NOT always been this way. My husband wanted to leave because my daughter was ALWAYS doing or INTO something. She would push his button deliberately...but then he would end up acting just as childish as she was...by refusing to speak to her, or ignoring her. Things like that. I felt caught in the middle and CRIED many days. My daughter needed me to help her adjust...but my husband needed me too. I would say to him that HE came into HER life..and needs to get to know her. It seemed to go from one ear out the other.



We all had to sit down w/one another at LEAST twice a week to "talk"...hash things out. We made contracts. For a while he parented through ME until I felt comfortable enough to release some of that to him. We also took time to pray as husband and wife, and set guidelines TOGETHER for her. We gave punishments "together" so that she didn't feel that this man who was "not" her father was "telling" her what to do. I was a step-child and I personally understood what my daughter was feeling. I loved my step-father...but never accepted or wanted discipline from him. And he really didn't step into that role w/me since I was almost a teen when my mom married.



But respect is sooooo important in ANY parental role. And your husband has to be able and willing to distinguish between what's "normal" ugly teenage behavior...and her really trying to be disrespectful. It can be so hard.



If you have a Pastor...take time to speak w/him. My husband did. If you have friends that are a part of a blended family...perhaps you can sit down w/them. We have done this too. Maybe even join a support group.



I've wanted to run away so many times. My daughter is 15 too, and we have come a LONGGGG way since my first being married. We didn't give up. We hung in there.



I'm sorry I couldn't be of more assistance...but KNOW that you and your family are in my prayers!

Cynthia - posted on 01/27/2010

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Dear Rose, I am happy to say that I am not in your situation. My daughter loves her stepfather very much. I think you are right with telling the stepfather that "he is the adult". And I also understand that teenagers will have attitudes...with that being said, I think he should really learn to, if anything, ignore what she has to say. I didnt get along at all with my stepfather when I was growing up. We were constantly at each others throats, and I felt that "he was not my dad, so he cant tell me what to do". That is probably the attitude she has. I think if at all possible you should sit down and talk to her and tell her how much this is hurting you. And if she could just tone it down you will talk to the stepfather and ask him the same. I know it helped when my mom said those words to me...i didnt want to hurt her anymore. And eventually, when I grew up, I found that he was just trying to raise me in the only way he knew how. Harsh is the way he was brought up. I respect him alot now and I am very grateful for the things he TRIED to do with me!! Good luck to you, and I hope all goes well with you three.

Cyndi

Tammy - posted on 01/27/2010

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I've been there. I had 14 year old daughter and a husband of 3 years when things drastically changed. It took me 4 years to figure out what had changed. Check to see what outside influences are affecting your daughter's behavior and attitude. Be careful not to overlook anyone outside your household. I was shocked when I discovered what the driving force was behind my daughter's behavior. It was a very close family member who had filled her head with so many lies about my feelings toward her. This turned my life upside down, but I stuck by my husband because I knew he was a gift from God and I was to stay married. It took my daughter a long time to realize the truth, and she didn't live with us for a long time, but she now sees clearly what had happened and regrets believing the lies told to her. She missed out on her brother's (both full and half) lives.
I don't agree that your kids will always be there for you, many of them leave and rarely visit or communicate with you once they reach legal age. It doesn't matter how good of a mom you are. Marriage is sacred and is suppose to last until death do you part.

Karen - posted on 01/27/2010

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kristy~ Thanks. i also agree with once you put up with it for so many years that you get sick of it. We have 2 boys also and they dont lie or steal like she does.. So really what is her excuse.. Everyone though has an excuse for her so of course she doesn't think anything is her fault. I'm the opposite.. I think it starts with her and she needsw to chagne. I'm tired of her lies and Really tired of World of warcraft. my hubby plays and it's just a pain in the butt for me. I work 60 hours at least a week to support everyone and really get no help. It sucks sorry still whining again..

[deleted account]

Guess I went thru this but in the opposite way!



My husband is a wonderful man but his ex was not & he found out chesting, lying, extraordinary purchases ( like a car ) ........ list goes on. Finally divorced her back in early 80's & won custody.



Kids & I got along great till BM found out & husband was put in a choose mode. He was advised by legal counsel & parish minister to " stay with your wife as your kids leave at 18 anyway." These kids were 12 & 13- not toddlers. BM was feeding them all sorts of lies & giving them enticements to live with her permantly , so they both did.



I was very upset & sad that my husband was put in that position by ex but not surprised. He was the adult in this situation & his kids were talking to him & their mom found out- they are grown adults & we figure they don't want the drama. We still pray for them & their kids.

Laura - posted on 01/27/2010

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I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't even imagine what you feel when your teen and your husband put you on the spot like that. I don't know if my feelings for my husband could ever be to the point where I can't decide for one or the other.
So I may be a bit feminist to some... I haven't been abused, or in horrible relationships. Or in a lot of relationships. I do come from the the Latin culture and been around a lot of woman who have shared their hardships. I know how bad it can be. I know how far a man will take it if you allow it from the get go. My poor husband has to put up with my attitude and God Forbid he do anything cus my poor hubby knows I won't sit around and just take it. Most of the time men are very selfish and immature but they will only go as far as you let them. The way I see it Your daughter is in a Very Difficult time of her life. She is becoming a woman, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. She needs you more then ever. If she knows that the most important person in her life is there for her now then she will know that you will be there for her always. She may not have the maturity now to appreciate what you do for her now or any sacrifices you make for her now. Some kids don't even recognize what moms do for them. However remember she ,too will be in serious relationships later on, have children someday and know what it's like to be a wife and mother. Then she will know... what you did and how important she has always been for you.

I know my best friend and I have been in positions where our partners have made us feel someone like you. Of course nothing to the level you're experiencing. I've made it very clear with my husband my kids are first. I have 2 children from my first marriage. He didn't have kids when we met and I could tell he had no experience with children. When he would get mad about dumb things and say things like ,"Who ate all My Cookies". and then go in a tantrum about how the cookies where always gone before he could have any. My kids were too small to say anything back (or just lacked the attitude to talk back). I always stood up for them and made it clear this was their home and my home ,too. I paid the bills like him. I when on to buy him his own package of Oreos and had him keep them in his side of the closet so that he could be happy. The kids kept their own cookies in the pantry for them to eat. I've always made it very clear to my husband I will always stand up for the kids before him... We now have two more children of our own. The last time we had a discussion about this. He told me you always side with your kids. I said yes I do. If it's unfair I will and I will let you know you're being unfair. I do it in private and I don't let them see we are arguing because of them. But I will let you know you're going to far. How would you feel if we divorced and a different man were too pick on the your children and you knew I was letting it happen. How would he feel if some other man was able to push around your kids and I let him. I also went on to say. You love me now... but if you stop loving me then I'll be left without you and without my kids ,too. On the other hand my Kids Will Love Their Mom till the day die. I don't care what a mom does (not talking about the extreme cases) a child will always hold their mom close to their heart. No matter how old they get a mom is a mom and nothing will beat that. Man come and go.

Tracy - posted on 01/26/2010

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Is it possible for her to live with her real father for a while? If so, you could take her out while she stays with him and have the good mother daughter relationship without the negative family strife. Of-course it depends on what sort of man the real father is.

Kimberly - posted on 01/26/2010

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I had a friend that went thru this with her son with every man she tried to have a relationship with... years inbetween each partner. she always chose her son..which is the right thing to do.

but on the last guy her boy found anothr problem and was not happy. this time her son was almost out of highschool.

she simply asked him if he was going to give up his life and stay with her and never get married or go to college or party with friends...and he laughed and said "well no.." and she said " why do you want me to be alone for the rest of my life"

he had never looked at it from a prespective of keeping his mom from having a life and a companion being happy once he graduated and moved on with his life. it was about him and how he felt and what he thought and what he wanted..and he had some jealousy issues with sharing his time with his mom.

Now they are closer than ever..she has since left the man she was with her boy was right on some issues but if it had not been for that man they never would have really came to an understanding that Parents are people and human also and though we love our kids we do not expect our kids to stay and care for us not living their own lives...therefore they should also respect and understand that we deserve to have a life and find love and be happy as well.

I am lucky i did not ever have to go thru this with my own kids and I feel for those that are in positions to have to choose...but really there is only one choice and that is your children. the guy or girl you hook up with know what they are signing on for and if they cant deal then everyone should be adults and just end it. there are more fish in the sea as they say. LOL

Kimberly - posted on 01/26/2010

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Karen right there with you. my man does the same thing...threaten, yell and not follow thru. and then has the nerve to try to use me as a scapegoat for the childs behavior. It is really aggervating and infuriating seeing that I am the one that has spent 1,000's of dollars on caring for the kid , sacrificed my time and life, rearranged my work and schooling round his child and him, as well as paid for his custody/divorce lawyer .

I have been the one to rear the child while he sat on his butt playing a copmputer game unable to help in anyway other than going to work and providing a paycheck which he would blow on on junk or whatever she wanted for past 6 yrs. I followed his way of parenting out of respect because i did not want anyone telling me how to raise mine...i understood but he has ruined her and she is only 7...that with the fact her mother has mental problems and doctors say there is a 12% or more chance the child has inheritated the problems has really got under my skin that i am accused of being her reason for having a behavior problem.

i do not think you are whinning i think you have finally reached a point of being fed up. and are looking for advice on what to do.

Kimberly - posted on 01/26/2010

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Being a step parent right now I can see the other side... we are adults and do our best to keep that in mind but we also have feelings and should be respected as an elder as well as a person who choose to help care for the child.

the parent mother or father does not always see what their child is doing or saying and because it it is not happening to them they do not see a problem. or they feel it is no big deal at the time..but many little things add up and over the years it grows to a point where you really start to dislike or dispise the child. and it gets harder to hide your feelings no matter how hard you try to keep the piece and have a realtionship with the person you love.

unfortunately it does come to a time when you have to choose giving up what you had hoped for and wanted along with those you love for some peace in your life. this is just as hard for the step parent as the childs parent in making this choice.

being in the middle is rough but trying being the outkast that is ganged up on by parent, child ,ex/other parent and family members...because they expect you to not be human and to give and give no matteer how you are looked at or treated by anyone including the kid in the name of the childs best intrest.

it is not easy being a parent and it is alot harder being a step parent coming into a childs life at any age...bonding, building relationships and trust is really hard with children of divorce or abandonment by a parent.

in my situation I have reared my step daughter for 6 yrs since she was 15 months old. but had to follow what her father wanted and thought about parenting not what i knew or had already done with my own kids. therefore we now have a very hateful disrespectful rude spoiled selfish 7 yr old that lies to get her way and retaliates when punished. no one can speak to her without horrible arguing for hours on her part. because daddy has let her run, say and do as she pleased without disapline...when I try to calmly explain why she should think before talking or if i correct her in any way I am accused of being childish and egging on her behavior.

I am sick of hearing how I should be an adult and understand that she is a child and that children should be allowed to be children. as an adult and not the blinded parent I agree to a point..but children including your daughter needs to take responcibility for their actions in the realtionship. and until that happens..your realtionship is going to fail...he will move on and find what he needs and wants elsewhere.

no one wants to deal with BS daily. I could not love my stepdaughter more if she was my own I am the only real mother she has ever known hers abandoned her at a yr old... but she is not mine and she and her daddy and all the family remind me of that and have for years. And I am ready to move on. life is to short to fight all the time for what you thought you had.

if you are not happy and your daughter is not happy..you know your man is not happy........... you have to go with your daughter because she is your blood and it is the right thing to do.
so do the man a favor and cut him free, he is struggling with leaving you cause he loves you both and he chose to be there made a promise therfore making him hang on. I know..that is where I am right now....I cant make myself leave cause i love them both and i wish he would pack his kid up and leave me.

Karen - posted on 01/26/2010

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Wow.. I'm so glad I'm not alone.. After reading this I feel a little better but in my case I'm the stepmom. I'm just at the end of my rope though My husband says his daughter is his responsibility yet he will threaten and threaten and never follows through and then I try and it's just wrong.. I can't stand her attitude because she doesn't seem to care about anyone but herself. She is failing half her classes and blames us. Everything is our fault and nothing is her fault because she does nothing wrong.. I just want to smack her but don't.. I have no say so on anything in my house and it sucks.. sorry was going to try to offer some advise that we're in this boat together and ended up whining.. Just stressed out and no where to turn.. Thanks for listening..
Karen

Shelly - posted on 01/26/2010

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Rose,

WOW I am so proud of you for understanding the fact that he should be the adult in this...And the fact of your daughter first!!! Ok now that I have patted your back for that here's the deal your daughter also needs to understand that he is the adult and that she and she does not have a free ride ticket to bash him or treat him with disrespect...She needs to understand that he pays for the roof over her head and the food in her stomache. And that he is the man you have choosen to marry and she needs to at least respect your choice and after 6 yrs she should know this...So it sounds to me like you need to lay down the law for both of them and just let them know what all of this is doing to you and that if they can't just try and be civil when they are in the house with you then big changes will be coming...

Cherilyn - posted on 01/26/2010

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wow, there are so many of us out ther..it is scary. All have good advice. I am in the same boat which feels like it is starting to sink. My 15 yr old and my husbad fight all the time. We have only been married since july,2009. Since we married, it has gotten bad. They fight as if they are both 15. He doesn't get it and of course gets madder when he is told he s acting like a kid and grow up!!! We live in the country so can't come and go as she wants but stays at other peoples place every chance she gets. I prayed to God to help as their fighting was making me physically sick. The answer I got was to sit both down and talk. We did. I explained they were making me sick and things needed to change or I was leaving. He told her the rules that he wanted followed in the house. They both made other comments about how they don't like being treated and how they would like to be treated, etc. I was the ref!!! After that, it was good for almost a month until the other day!! Then the accusing her of stuff started again! I had even witnessed some of these things happening but not the way he said and he just started yelling at me because he said I was wrong and only covering for her. He gets mad at me when I don't back him up on stuff and I have told him that if I agree with what he says or does then I will back him up but if I don't agree with it, then I won't. He thinks I should back him no matter what. It isn't going to happen. I raised my daughter by myself for 14 yrs. He has only been apart of that for the past 2. My daughter and I are very close and she knows how much I love her. I let her do stuff without telling him to avoid fights as well. I explained to her that I am not lying to him just not telling him. Luckily she understands this. I am at my wits end but thanks to some of the comments others have made on here, I have more to try. TY. I love him with all my heart. I have been with alot of guys that have abused me and used me. He has don't neither!!! He is usually great with me...we mostly fight over my daughter and what she does and doesn't do. She told me not to leave him if I really love him and am happy. She said she only has to live here till she goes to college in 2 1/2 yrs. My daughter is very mature for her age and I am so proud of him..I just wish he would be too and ease off with some of his rules. We live in a small 2 bedroom house wth paper thin walls which makes it all the worse because we hear her tv over ours or her singing...which makes him angery that he can't hear his show. Need a bigger house to solve alot of our problems and less rules. Going to sit them down within the week and have another family talk!!! Hopefully it will get better. Prayers to everybody that has these problems!!!

Anna - posted on 01/26/2010

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I'm very sorry you are caught in the middle of this. I definitely agree with other posters who say that counseling for you and your daughter is a MUST. She needs to know that you are there for HER. My mom and I were in your situation. She'd try to please both me and my step-father; but at the end of the day she didn't stop him from being verbally abusive to me. I moved out at 17 and haven't looked back. Now in my 30's I tolerate my mother at best; but I refuse to be in the same room as my step-father. He is just so disrespectful of everything. My mom and I are not close and our relationship is so far gone that she will never be able to mend anything with me.



What would have turned things around for us? If she had just taken time to talk to me, spend time with me, and just let me know (through her actions) that I was still loved. She told me that as a teen she wasn't sure if I wanted to spend time with her or even how to talk to me if we were ever in the same room. As a teen I was feeling so insecure about myself and really felt abandoned by my biological father, my step-father's attitude toward me didn't help and my mother's lack of interest in my life only confirmed my feelings of being unloved and unwanted.



Please talk to your daughter and make her your priority. As far as your husband, sorry; but he's an adult. He needs to get on board and support you, not make you choose. Kids should come first. Husbands come and go. Children are forever.

Joanne - posted on 01/26/2010

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I can understand where you are coming from. I have the same problem with my 16 year daughter and partner. At times i feel like the meat in the sandwich but we shouldn't have to choose, he knew I had a daughter before I entered this relationship and her upbringing is my responsibility. Everything is either black or white, there is no grey area but life is full of grey areas, he is very old fashioned with all aspects of life. I'm at my wits end! I am always the one who compromises and when I do things for her I can't tell him because of arguements it will cause. I dont normally like telling people my business but as a last resort we are trying counselling to see if this can help.

Silka - posted on 01/25/2010

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Wow! I was looking for a post that matched what I am feeling right now and yours is exactly like mine. My daughter's 16th birthday is on Wednesday. Right now my husband is up in our bedroom fuming because my daughter is home. He can't stand it when she is home so he runs and hides in our bedroom to avoid the overwhelming anger that he feels towards her, he even said that she has no soul. She also has bipolar which is like normal teenage angst on steroids. She makes nasty comments, argues all the time, and 5 minutes later is asking me for a ride to a friends house like there is no problem at all. I am reading a book right now called "Get Out Of My Life! But first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?". It really sheds some light on normal teenage behavior and I have asked my husband to read it, but so far no luck. He is so set in his ways and has such a bad temper that I am constantly on egg shells in my own home. I also have a 12 year old that hates him, and we have a 2 year old together. My husband has told me how fearful he is that she will grow up to be anything like my oldest daughter. My ex is an alcoholic, but my husband wants to send her to her dad's anyways. She had a horrible falling out with her best friend and boyfirend last week (caught boyfirend having sex with best friend) and has since decided she will not be going back to school until the next session starts on Feb 15th. Therefore she is now home even more now, and she has been looking for a job. She wishes she could be anywhere but here, and my husband wants nothing more than for her to leave, but I love both of them and wish they could just figure it out! I want to hop on a plane to Hawaii!!! I wish my husband would grow up and get help for his anger, but he thinks it's just my daughter that sets him off, but it's not. When it's just me and him and our 2 year old he is much more relaxed, but I didn't get into this marriage thinking I would have to give up my older kids because he can't be grown up enough to make an effort to support me! I make plenty enough money to live on my own and support myself and all of my kids, I don't need this crap! Sorry for the super long vent!

Lianne - posted on 01/25/2010

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I am so sorry you are going through that. My dad and stepsister are the same way, they have not got along since she became a teenager and now she is 31 years old. Things are still the same between them too. I wish you the best of luck.

Suzanne - posted on 01/25/2010

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i have a 17 year old son from a previous relationship.i am always getting in bewtwwen my husband and my son.i feel very strongly that your children come first.you are thier mother,if you are not on thier side,who is? i always let my son know his feelings are very important to me,and i will always love him

Kelly - posted on 01/25/2010

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I have been through this. I was married for 8 yrs to a man whom did not respect my daughter. I didn't see it at first and was always quick to correct my daughter. It got worse and I always ended up in the middle. Him telling me to do something with her and her telling me that she can't stand to be around him. I tried to tell him to be the adult but it never worked. I finally saw that he didn't show her respect so therefore she no longer respected him. Nothing I done seemed to work. We had other problems and have recently ended our marriage and my daughter is so much more a pleasant person to be around. The best advice I can give you is to pray that they will work something out. It's not an easy thing to go through. I hope something works out for you.

Stephanie - posted on 01/25/2010

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I am going through the same thing. I wish there was an answer. My son too lives with my mother for a while and now is back but it did not make a difference. My husband wants him to be like him. My husband has a hard time understanding how someone can think or react differently to him. We have a 5 yo daughter together and she is like her father so it has made it harder because "she acts appropriately, why cant you" hurts me. No matter how much me or the counsellor "we are all different".
One day the counsellor pulled me aside and said "I know this is the opisite to what most people will tell you but...your children are going to be there for life but only have to live under you roof for a few more years. Your husband is hopefully going to live under the same roof for the rest of your life. So although it is a mothers instinct to always defend your child (expecally under verbal attack) but remember what you are doing to your relationship at the time". I am not saying ditch you daughter for a happy relationship. We bought a TV and small couch and set my sons room up as his space and theey are not in the same room together, except I make them eat at the dinner table together. We still have fights but with each of them having there own space int he house at least they can retreat and not have to see each other.

Sharee - posted on 01/24/2010

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We have had family counselling, my daughter suffers from bi polar disorder also so that adds to the issue. She has been in counselling since she was 7 yrs old. Its ongoing for her. As for my husband well, he thinks its all her problem.

Kate - posted on 01/24/2010

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Have you considered family counseling for them to talk about their differences? Might help and it might not, but it sounds like they aren't listening to you or are thinking about you or the other person. Good luck!

Sharee - posted on 01/24/2010

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I know in my situation that I have to give it to God. He is there all the time for me and it certainly had helped me to get through the very tough times. Your children are yours for a short while and they have to be the most important thing in your life. I have given up my career for my children and I would do it again in a heartbeat if to save them.

Sharee - posted on 01/24/2010

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Hello Rose I understand completely where you are at. I have had a similiar situation with my 16 yr old daughter now 17 and half and there is no easy answer. I remarried after being on my own and divorced from my first husband for 10 years. I thought everything would be fine at the time my daughter who I speak of was only 11 yrs old. If I knew now what I know I would never have gone down that track of getting remarried.

After the 1st 12 months of what I would call wedded happiness, things started to fall apart. My husband thought he could bring my daughter into line with discipline at this time my daughter was almost 13yrs. From that time on we only had arguments. She went and lived with my mum for awhile but then I felt that was unfair. The teenage hormones which race around girls make things all the worst. As I said I don't have all the answers. I took my family to family counselling about 4 years ago as things got to a point where either I would leave or he would leave. That worked for awhile. But being the pig headed man that he is, he doesn't see why he should have to make changes.

Everything came to a head in September 2009, when he moved out. I was very hurt as he had blamed my 17 yr old now, for everything which was wrong in the whole scenario.

He was very wrong in doing this and like I said to him, I have two daughters who I will stand by no matter what. They need their mum in their lives and if he is not prepared to accept the way in which I bring my daughters up then I'm sorry they are my highest obligation at this point in my life. Is this selfish towards my husband, maybe, but believe me since he has left, my life has been a lot easier, I'm not trying to please everyone and I am actually closer to my girls that I have been for awhile. It's a massive decision, but when all else fails, the only thing is think of those who are most needy of you at the time. Men in my books needs to grow up. What you said about Him being the adult, they are not quite often they are just another child. I hope I have helped you but please if you need to talk please feel free to. I know how important it is to have other mothers as friends.

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