My 15 year old daughter wants to get pregnant and I don't know what else to do

Kathryn - posted on 10/10/2011 ( 22 moms have responded )

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Our daughter has been testing us for many years now and earlier this year run away from home to live with her boyfriend and family that she had only known for 2 weeks. I was angry and hurt at first and it took me a long time to be able to talk to her however I knew that I needed to be the adult and slowly managed to open up the communication between us and had hoped that this would help. She has moved back hm now only because she had too not because she wanted to and has told us she and her boyfriend want a baby. i have talked to her until blue in the face about the reality of what she is saying. Neither of them has a job or education she dropped out when she ran away and he has not come from a very supportive home so never has had too much disciplin or guidence. I feel that she knows that know matter what she has done or does that we are not going to abandon her and she will just do what she likes however I know that she is making a very difficult path for herself and need advice on how I might be able to get her to see this. I have done counselling, docotrs visits got her contraeption which she won't use and have talked to them both about the consequences of the decision. Being that neither of them has been able to stick at anything for more than a couple of months a baby is certainly not something that they will end up being able to cope with.

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Viviana - posted on 10/17/2011

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What a difficult situation! At least she´s back and you are in the good path, with all you have done..The only thing I would say is best a boarding school so she can learn and change that attitude before she turns 18 because then it will be too late...Need to look and she if the government can help you with that because it´s probably very expensive.Don´t know if this helps but that´s what I think...

[deleted account]

If she is getting dizzy, maybe you should take her to the doctor just to make sure she is o.k. Teenagers want to be taken seriously. Sometimes they want to be treated like adults. I know my daughter does. Maybe you should find a way to make her feel important, to you and to herself. She may want to have a baby to feel like someone needs her. You seem like a good Mom who cares a lot about her- show / tell her how you feel and try to make her feel like she is worth something. Does she have a Dad? If so, he needs to chime in, too. And she could get her GED, so she can start working if that's what she wants...

Nicky - posted on 10/13/2011

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This may sound strange but maybe if you compromise with her and say if he moves into your place and they can get along and support each other for at least 6 months then you will discuss this with her again then. My point being that at their age relationships don't make it past 2-3 months and by having them spend 24 hrs a day together they will be sick of each other quicker maybe? Reverse physcology prob the best thing for their age as you don't want to be negative and make her do things just to spite you. Just a suggestion. Maybe for the 6 month agreement you could ask her to get that micro chip in her arm to protect her and tell her after 6 mths she can remove it? Best of luck :)

JuLeah - posted on 10/12/2011

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Have her work in a day care, volunteer at the hospital holding babies, help coach a kids sports team .... have them both take parenting classes, go through the baby sitting class and baby sit .... if after all of that, they still want to have a baby .... not much you can do

But, tell them you will stop nagging and lecturing if they do all the above

[deleted account]

We invited our niece to attend the birth (natural, of course) of one of our kids. She was so green by the end, she didn't even want to hold the baby for a good while after and declared that she was going to adopt all of her children!
She recovered eventually and has 4 beautiful daughters.
Reality is the best medicine. And does she really want her guy to be the man who raises her children?!!

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22 Comments

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Lynn - posted on 12/03/2011

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I will agree with the moms that said she needs to put into a situation where she has to do absolutely everything for a baby for a week or two. You say you don't know anyone with babies, trust me there are women out there that will help you out even if you don't know them at all. Explain the situation and I'm sure one will be glad to help. I can put money on if she did have a baby the guy would absolutely leave her. No young guy is going to be tied down to one girl and a baby. It don't happen like that in today's world. Honestly if you don't let her go and make her own mistakes no matter the consequences of her actions she will never learn anything. I know that it will be hard to do, but you are going to have to make yourself do it. Some people have to learn the hard way, and with everything that I have read from you that is the only way its going to happen. Stop being there for her financially, and in every other way and she will learn eventually. Be Strong in your decisions and no matter what stand behind what you say.

Holly - posted on 11/06/2011

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I agree with the replies that talk about volunteering at places like daycares and things like that. I don't agree with trying to show having a child in a completely negative light. It is not and being a mom is a wonderful thing. But there is a reason why 15 year old girls can get pregnant but should not. It is dangerous to the pregnant girl for one. Have her look at other cultures that have babies young and see how many die in childbirth or their babies do. Also, try and explain to her how much more she could give a child not just financially but emotionally if she waited. She probably has so many questions still about life. So do toddlers and preschoolers.

Kathryn - posted on 10/24/2011

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Mia thanks for your thoughts. I have called the police, child services and any one I can. I had her at psychologists and counselors and to our family Dr. When she ran away the police said as long as I knew where she was she wasn't missing, child services said that as long as she was safe and intending on getting a job that was all they were concerned about, she ran away because I have always said I didn't want her to have a boyfriend as a young age, I am trying to get control but no authority helps and she knows it. I have done all i can to try and show her who is the parent and who is the child but short of turning my back on her I am at a loss. What sort of a mother would I be to leave her to her own devices. That would be easy. I even phoned our local MP to state how disturbed I was about the lack of support for parents and how everything is about the child and they didn't even call me back.

Mia - posted on 10/24/2011

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Not to sound judgmental, but why is a 15 year old allowed to be living in a household other than her own? I'm the parent. I know where my 14 year old daughter is at all times. If she were to threaten to run away and actually did so, the police would be called and serious consequences taken. How old is the boyfriend? And why is she even allowed to be dating One on one at such a young age? Sex? Um, take her down and get her the depo shot. Who is the parent. Get control over your child.

Jeanette - posted on 10/24/2011

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Oh my goodness, this is so disturbing! I have 2 daughters - 13 and 20 yrs old. My 20 yr old daughter had taken that program in middle school (*She was 13 yrs old at the time), where you bring a 'fake baby' home - THE WHOLE WEEKEND! - It was disasterous for her! I loved every minute of it!! - she literally started crying and begging me to help her with this fake baby that would NOT STOP CRYING!! - At one point, she threw the baby across the room!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE!? WOW... She even texted me while I was at church to please hurry and come home because the (in her words)..'stupid baby' would not SHUT UP! ... SO YES, I LOVED IT.. AND TRUST ME, SHE KNOWS NOW.. AND I'm soooo happy she went through this program - it really helped put the 'baby thing' into prospective for her! SHE LEARNED BY EXPERIENCE.. which SERIOUSLY HELPED HER SO MUCH! So.. I would look into your local schools (middle school/high school) to see if your daughter could take part in one of this programs... BEST OF LUCK.. IT'S REALLY HARD.. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU...

Christina - posted on 10/21/2011

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So Sad that young girls today dont think that much about their futur anymore!! I blame these 16 and pregnate shows!! They glorify these young girls in the media so much & make it look easy!! I dont know...find a friend with a young newborn or baby that willing to help you & have her babysit for a cpl of nights & see how tough it really is. Watch the childbirth video they give us when were pregnate :) that was the scariest thing to watch for me, it was SO graffic & I was thinking the whole time...WOW what great birth control this would be!I hope its a stage & you can get through this hurdle!!

Indya - posted on 10/18/2011

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Sounds like she is showing you that she has no regard for your sage advise and is going to do what she wants to. I would say just be there as much as you can tolerate, but you need to resolve within yourself now if she gets pregnant what are you going to do? I mean, how MUCH will you love her? Will you watch the baby for her even though she is not working or going to school? Will you support her financially or insist that she and boyfriend experience TRUE parenthood by going to the welfare office and receiving assistance for housing etc... These are things you need to work out for yourself now because she is on a fast collision course and you don't want to be caught without a plan in mind.

Becky - posted on 10/18/2011

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I have a 16 year old that was heading down the same path. I myself was a 16 year old mother and I want my daughter to have the options I never did. I took her against her wishes and had out family Dr talk to her about birth control options I not her bc she is still a minor decided to have what's called a Implanon put in her arm its just as effective as the pill and is good for 3 years... I am Catholics and my family was very upset with me but I feel like I made the best choice that I could with my daughter.. I hope this had helped u a little ...

Kita - posted on 10/16/2011

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See if you can trick her into getting an IUD (contraception) or the depo shot (it last 3 months). Take her on Maury or Dr. Phil.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/13/2011

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Kathryn,

Where are you located? you don't have to answer publicly, just pm me the location. Depending on where you are, there are youth advocacy programs that have those dolls I was talking about...I'd be more worried about the fact that if she does go ahead and do this, you and dad will be the main caregivers for that baby...

Kathryn - posted on 10/13/2011

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Shawnn that is a great idea but I don't know anyone with young babies only toddlers and wouldn't ask them to have her for a week. Andrea I have taken her to the Dr and he found nothing except a slight heart arrhythmia and said that it was nothing to worry about that caffeine, anxiety and nicotine were what would make it worse. Do you think it stopped her from drinking coke and smoking. No so how much does she care. Her dizzy spells at work are probably because she refuses to eat breakfast before she goes and then gets low blood sugar again nothing I can make her do she just likes to complain. She also keeps telling me she is looking for other jobs and has dropped resumes in here and there but when I check she is lying. Her and her bf sit at home while my husband and I are at work and our other 2 children are at school or work eat our food and watch tv all day I am nearly at wits end she is draining all my energy.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/12/2011

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Do you know anyone with a young baby? The best and easiest way to let her know she isn't ready is to have her be "mom" for that baby.

We had teens in our neighborhood who wanted babies, or thought they did. They were talking about tricking the boyfriend, etc.

I invited each one to stay at my house for a week. For that entire week, the teen was "mom". She had to get up for the middle of the night issues, she had to do EVERYTHING that a mom does, including dealing with vomit, the horrible "all over" diaper explosions, the crying, can't figure out why, etc. I was not nice about it. These girls had to take the baby (and me) everywhere. If they wanted to go out with friends, they had to pay me to baby sit.

It worked very, very well. Not a one of those girls got pregnant before they were in their mid twenties. And with out fail, they all thanked us for what we'd done when they were 15.

And, if you really want to stick it to 'em...go for the program that has the "living" babies...and ask for twins.

Kathryn - posted on 10/12/2011

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Thanks for your advice we have told them that they would need to get apartment how much bonds are and power bonds etc before they even get into one. Since neither of them has a job how they intend on doing this is beyond me. She has always had a religious influence and has been at catholic schools all her education, as far as looking after kids they have lived with his sister ,who has a 1 year old, for 3 months when our daughter ran away and as they were all on benefits and able to stay home and get money given to them they both think its easy. I told her to get a job any job and stick at it for 9 months then come and tell me how she feels cause at least she can change her job if she doesn't like it. She seems to have a answer for everything and we all know that you can't make teenagers do a thing they don't want to. Her latest excuse for not getting a job is that she gets dizzy when she gets hot and doesn't want to work in a fast food place. I told her that she really didn't have achoice cause she has chosen to drop out of school and want to lead a adult life adults have to work whether its what they like or not. Especially if your uneducated.

Donna - posted on 10/12/2011

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i totally agree with juleah. maybe if these kids get some experience with kids, they might just change their mind. I never understood why there was such a rush to grow up b/c honestly its really no fun lol

[deleted account]

I really liked JuLeah's advice- very good! I'm sorry if I seemed harsh, but reality is harsh sometimes...best of luck and God Bless!

[deleted account]

I think that if these kids want to pretend that they are adults, then both families need to explain to them that if this does happen, then they would have to live as responsible adults, and all that this would entail. You tell them that they would have to get an apartment, jobs, daycare, bills, etc., and that you will visit them only, not support them. I think they think that their families will support them, and you have to make it very clear that they will be the one's responsible to raise the baby, not you or his parents. Also, you might want to get her into a church setting to teach her some moral values. You have to get across the her that it is unfair to the baby, and that once you have a child, your life is not your own! There is also a chance that her boyfriend could leave her, and then where will she be?

Fiona - posted on 10/10/2011

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oh my god you really have a situation don't you! My daughter had a girlfriend who also recently ran away from home. She felt it was the only way her parents would actually listen to her. And I am not saying here that you aren't there for your daughter in fact it sounds like you truly are. Have you thought about doing some one on one time with your daughter, maybe a weekend away together doing girly stuff? Perhaps you could suggest the boyfriends mum comes along.....get another side to the situation, listen, observe and make you next plan. At 15 you think you know it all, but a baby when you are a baby! Good Luck, but whatever happens just be there for her. (Get her a baby sitting job that'll give her a little idea maybe of how hard looking after kids is).

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