My 15 year old is online dating a 19 year old who lives in Alaska..

Novaruby26 - posted on 09/19/2016 ( 25 moms have responded )

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8 months ago my then 14 year old daughter told me she had a special friend. That meant she liked someone but did not want to tell me exactly how she felt about him. First red flag. I asked her questions etc, she said he was a friend she had been playing an online game with for a few years. When I asked her more questions about him she became angry and said she didnt want to talk about it. Second flag. I let it go thinking it was just a flirtation and did not want to argue anymore with her. Over the course of that next month I was able to get her to tell me his name, age (he was 19 she was 14), where he lives (in Alaska with his parents...we are in Chicago) and their history as friends online before they decided to get romantic. I was alarmed he lived so far, and by his age. But I did recall hearing of this guy a few years ago when they were voice chatting in a game together so I pushed it aside. I asked her more and more questions, and she got more and more distressed. She showed me his pictures that he sent her online and I noted he looked a young 19 and played the same games she did so MAYBE he was just not as mature as other guys his age etc. She got to some breaking point by my prodding and told me one day with fake tears that she isnt talking to him anymore because she found out he was gay. She made up this whole huge story. I was broken hearted for her. We talked about it and everything was fine. A few weeks after this she asked me if she could go to Alaska to visit him next year when she was 16. I told her that i was under the impression they were not speaking. Let me add in now that she was also talking to him on her cell phone and skype ALOT so I was sort of comfortable with knowing that he most likely was WHO he said he was. Just not sure what he was doing in Alaska without her there also. Anyway, she then told me they were friends again and she wanted to visit him there as a friend even though he was gay. I had enough; it was too far fetched. I had my husband pull the cell phone records etc, dig dig dig. Everything checked out. His home with parents, and his cell. We confronted her very angry and she cried and said she loved him and she was hiding it from me because she didnt trust me and did not want me prying in her life. Um, didnt trust me? I have never hurt her friends relationships with her, nor have I ever done anything to break her trust with a boy!! In fact, she had NEVER HAD A GUY SHE LIKED TILL NOW. So this was just too weird. I prodded her more and she said that she doesnt like it when I get overly upset with her and yell alot sometimes (i suffer from bipolar) and so she wanted to keep this from me. I asked her again, have I ever done this in front of your friends or acted crazy outwardly to others around you? She said no but she was still worried. I felt awful. She had successfully used my illness that I have pretty much under control now against me. Wow. I left her alone again for awhile but I demanded to speak to him on the phone. I called his number and we had a 3 hour chat. He said he loved her, told me about his mom and dad, his 3 sisters, and how since he was raised with mostly women in the house and with strong Christian values, he would never hurt her. He tole me he was a virgin, was waiting till marriage (with my daughter), and that he was going to college and had a job. This all sounded great. But I was still wary. I tracked their phone calls, his hours way from her, had my genius hubby hack her skype etc....went to the cloud and snooped. She had lied after all it was our turn to find out more. His story still seemed to check out, he was away during the hours he said he was at school or work each day and they talked non stop on skype and on the phone. Then one day while checking the cloud again and their history of skype convos I came across pics she had sent him...and him to her. Right now she is 15 and he is 20. She sent him nudes from the waist up only and he sent her the full package of nudes back. Their convos through text and skype were littered with vulgar 50 shades of grey type chat and sexual content that made me cringe. I confronted her again and told her that this would stop now or I was cutting her off from him and her phone and the net. She agreed. So far I havent found anything new but I am still distressed. She is under the impression he will be coming here to visit her next year or that she will go visit him. I am getting ready to tell her she wont be doing nothing with him in person till she is 18 and can support herself financially to fund their long distance relationship. I would not be involved in this at all in order to help her be with this guy before she was an adult. Right now here is where it stands. He sends her gifts all the time here. He sent her a 200 dollar 8 foot bear for her birthday, and that just ticked me off more because she needs more sensible things. They love eachother right and are ready for adult stuff? Ok, send her 200 bucks in stuff she asks me for. IF he is who he says he is personality wise and is being honest about everything with her the thing that still bothers me is the age gap. He is alot more mature than her but also very immature and naive in many ways. My daughter is a young 15. She is scared to be alone at home too long, she suffers from anxiety alot and comes to me crying for support all the time. She doesnt like staying at other's houses for too long even if they are family or long time friends. I feel she is so into this guy right now because it is long distance. Because they havent met, and she feels safe online, on skype and over the phone. She is totally different in person than she is with him online, so much it scares me. Like her personality is changed. She sometimes uses this fake little girl voice talking to him as if she is trying to excite him or make him think she is cute. i confronted her, she told me I was crazy she doesnt do that. I also have viewed her messages to him many times calling him "Daddy". She also asks him if she may go onto Tumbler (he thinks she is addicted to Tumbler and tries to limit her time there); this type of controlling sort of worries me. The last thing I wanted to add to this is that 2 other instances recently have made me search for a therapist for her. I walked into her room (the door was unlocked for a change...she is in her room 90 percent of the time with it locked) and she was lying on the bed wearing nothing but some knee high socks and black panties chatting on her phone via skype video call with her ear buds in. She hung up right away and blurted out "I WAS HOT SO I TOOK OFF MY CLOTHES MOM." She said that she was only showing her face. The thing is that she said she was talking to HIM but I am not so sure. Because before this, i walked into my room while she was having her comp fixed, to find her on my comp using tiny chat. Tiny chat is a video chat room by the way. A guy said to her some smart comment about how the bed was unmade behind her (webcam is attached to my all in one computer) and told her to go make it. I saw her pretend to make it and kind of do a silly fall on the bed to let the chat room know she was just too darn cute and sexy. She got up and laughed and then noticed i was standing behind the door spying. She said she was just joking around and left the room. I wanted to interfere more but her level of anger and manipulation is very very hard for me. I feel guilty all the time and feel i should trust her and keep giving her chances. I feel bad because I have bipolar and have upset her in the past. I have made mistakes and feel like i need to make it up to her now maybe? I dont know...I need advice. My husband is in total shut down shock and since I am the pants wearer in the house usually he lets me make the final decisions. Please help me figure this out. I need some support. I want to be stronger and not feel like im over reacting. I also do not want to worry about her harming herself if I take this guy away from her and change her life without her consent. She is VERY EMOTIONAL and over reacts alot. I have heard her tell me many times she would want to die without him. I am lost.

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Ev - posted on 09/20/2016

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{{ But the whole pics thing does disturb me. How do i make sure they are wiped from everywhere. i took her comp and phone but where else can i find them and get rid of them?}} -----You are naive to think that you can wipe those pictures away forever from everywhere. Once out on the internet anyone can see them or find them. There is no fool proof way to get rid of the pictures ever!! You should have been having conversations with her a long time ago about this stuff. I can not sit her and believe for a minute you think hey can be rid of. There is no going back.

{{ today we took her access away. She is very upset. I am staying strong though. I also had no idea she can get in trouble for sending those outside of us punishing her. I am glad I learned this now.}}-----I am having a hard time believing you would not have a clue that she could get into trouble for taking nudes and sending them to him. It is kiddie porn. Where do you live? In the woods? I am sounding harsh for a reason. With all the news stories of teens taking nudes and sending them to each other over phones in last few years landing on the news, I can not believe for a moment you did not hear about it. AND YES, she can get into legal trouble for this....she is not immune.

Dove - posted on 09/20/2016

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I only read half and no comments yet... this CHILD should have never been allowed to play online games where you can interact w/ other people. She's known him for years? She is only 15! My own girls are almost 15 and there is no online communication w/ anyone they haven't actually met in person (unless it's a relative or in person friend of one of their best friends). Period. No exceptions.

Naked pictures? Child pornography on her part and could end her in legal trouble... and he's currently a sexual predator and needs to be in jail.

This whole thing is 100% inappropriate. She needs to have zero unsupervised internet or phone access and needs to be in serious therapy immediately. She needs to have ZERO contact w/ this man at all until she is 18 (assuming he's not in jail by then).

Sarah - posted on 09/19/2016

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You are being duped, totally duped by your own child and this predator! First, if you knew of him years ago? That was the time to end it. Years ago, would have made her 13 and him 18?
* I did recall hearing of this guy a few years ago when they were voice chatting in a game together so I pushed it aside

The 3 hours conversation you had with him? I would assume it all BS; he knew exactly what your wanted to hear!
*I called his number and we had a 3 hour chat. He said he loved her, told me about his mom and dad, his 3 sisters, and how since he was raised with mostly women in the house and with strong Christian values, he would never hurt her. He tole me he was a virgin, was waiting till marriage (with my daughter), and that he was going to college and had a job.

I personally, would take her phone away, block him, file a restraining order if you have to. They can pursue each other when she is an adult. If they truly love each other, then the absence will make the heart grow fonder.
Sending nude pictures can ruin her chance of getting into college, getting a job, and it is also child porn. He is now breaking the law by possessing child porn. I would call the Alaskan police.
Your BP has NOTHING to do with this. She needs counseling and completely monitored access to the internet. If you are not over her shoulder, then no access. If she has nothing to hide, then she won't care if you are there, right? Do you want to wake up and find her gone, in Alaska with this sick pervert? Come on she is 15; what does any 20 yo want with a child? End it, turn her phone off, move any computers to a public area and advise him if contacts her even one time; you are calling the police.

* I feel guilty all the time and feel i should trust her and keep giving her chances.
Think how guilty you will feel when she is gone and stuck in some crazy sex ring. Step up mom, clamp down. So what if it pisses he off; she doesn't know what is for her own good right now. The fact that you even buy the BS of -I am here in my panties and socks, cause it is hot? Seriously? When my teens are hot they bare their feet and turn on a fan, not get naked on a skype chat! WAKE UP!

BTW no kids NEEDS to skype, text or online game. Cut her off for her own safety.

Ev - posted on 09/19/2016

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She does need counseling. She also needs to know you found the nude pictures they took of themselves and sent each other. It is called child porn if you did not know this. Also you need to take her phone, computer, and tech away. She is not responible enough to handle it. You should never allowed her to lock herself away in her room alone with the internet. If she needs to have a computer for school work that this one thing that can be done in the public rooms of the house. If she has to have a phone to contact you or dad for rides from school because of sports activities etc, get a prepaid one that does not allow texting or pictures and preset the numbers she can call.

You brought some of this on by allowing her to continue to use the internet and phone and computers without really checking on her more than you did. She also needs to learn that guys who seek out girls her age are more than likely way older and are pedofiles seeking a thrill with a child. He can get into trouble with the law over this very easily since he is 20 years old. Your child is under age. YOU need to keep a better eye on her!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/20/2016

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How are you parenting in this day and age and NOT aware?

Nude photos are considered porn. Always have been! Thus nude photos of a child are...child porn.

Dove - posted on 09/20/2016

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I agree Ev. How does a parent in this day and age get to the age of parenting a teen and not be aware of all of this stuff?

Dove - posted on 09/20/2016

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Naked pictures of minors sent via phone or computer is legally classified as child porn. It doesn't matter how old the sender is (if under 18) or who is sent the pictures. Minors can not legally consent to the act even if they are the ones taking and sending the pictures.

Novaruby26 - posted on 09/20/2016

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Ev, you are totally right. Can somone explain to me how it is child porn when she sends the pics herself by her own will?

Novaruby26 - posted on 09/20/2016

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you are right. I didnt know till recently they were friends for years. I guess everything he told me sounded so good I just thought that maybe it would be ok. But the whole pics thing does disturb me. How do i make sure they are wiped from everywhere. i took her comp and phone but where else can i find them and get rid of them?

Novaruby26 - posted on 09/20/2016

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Dove you are right, today we took her access away. She is very upset. I am staying strong though. I also had no idea she can get in trouble for sending those outside of us punishing her. I am glad I learned this now.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/20/2016

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OP take your kid's technical access away, and get her into counseling. She has been successfully groomed. By sexual predators.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/20/2016

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Bonham or Harriet, or whatever your name is, WHY are you taking Ev to task? THIS IS NOT HER OP!!!!!

WHY are you advocating assault? Is it because you have no other tool in your parenting toolbox, so you just beat your kids?

Take your advocating assault somewhere else. It is not welcome here.

Sue - posted on 09/20/2016

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Dear OP,
First of all let me say that I am so sorry to hear of this situation for your family. We went through similar (although not as long) situations with our daughter. One of the first things I want to say to you is this...the best thing we did was take her computer and phone away. It was hard, we should have done it sooner. Now please understand that when they get it back they usually go back to what they were doing before.. Try to be wise in your parenting here...If she is paying rent, and her bills then maybe you;d have to think about your tactic with her...but she isn't and she does not have the RIGHT to these things...they are a privilege and easily taken away.
Here are an few articles that may help you "pull the plug"...it's NEVER too late...
(Spend lots of time with her after you do it too to help fill her time she now has.)
Praying God's hand of grace, mercy and peace for you all.
Also, I read that there are phone numbers in these articles that can help you with a counselor.
http://bit.ly/2d04nYW
http://bit.ly/2cRN9Ld

Dove - posted on 09/20/2016

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Oh goody... another idiotic troll taking up space. Hitting a 15 year old? Wow... pathetic. The OP definitely needs to do something immediately, but assaulting her child is not the answer. If you can't parent w/out hitting a teenager... you have no business raising children.

Sarah - posted on 09/20/2016

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Why would the OP list her issue in such detail if she did not want feedback? Ev gave her opinion, I gave mine and you gave yours. I don't agree that spanking a 15 yo will be effective, but you are entitled to post your opinion. Just as I am, and everyone else here.

Bonham - posted on 09/20/2016

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Not judging anyone, should YOU really be Involved?
Other people's business.

Ev - posted on 09/20/2016

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I am not the mom that posted the OP. My kids are adults now and were monitored and watched on the internet and other tech devices that they did have. You seem a bit judgemental.

Bonham - posted on 09/20/2016

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With respect, if monitoring the Internet had worked, you would not be having this problem. Which understandably is of great concern to you. As it would any loving mom.
Respect
Harriet

Ev - posted on 09/20/2016

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This child is not mine and I gave my advice. Harriet, there is more to this world than using spankings to get a child to learn how to do the right things. Have you not heard of monitoring their use of tech and internet? Have you not heard of taking things away or their privileges away? Those things far out weigh spankings in older kids besides spankings being assault in some places or abuse in others.

Ev - posted on 09/20/2016

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Bonham--15 year olds do not need spankings. They need other consequences for their actions and choices.

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