Novaruby26 - posted on 09/19/2016 ( 25 moms have responded )
8 months ago my then 14 year old daughter told me she had a special friend. That meant she liked someone but did not want to tell me exactly how she felt about him. First red flag. I asked her questions etc, she said he was a friend she had been playing an online game with for a few years. When I asked her more questions about him she became angry and said she didnt want to talk about it. Second flag. I let it go thinking it was just a flirtation and did not want to argue anymore with her. Over the course of that next month I was able to get her to tell me his name, age (he was 19 she was 14), where he lives (in Alaska with his parents...we are in Chicago) and their history as friends online before they decided to get romantic. I was alarmed he lived so far, and by his age. But I did recall hearing of this guy a few years ago when they were voice chatting in a game together so I pushed it aside. I asked her more and more questions, and she got more and more distressed. She showed me his pictures that he sent her online and I noted he looked a young 19 and played the same games she did so MAYBE he was just not as mature as other guys his age etc. She got to some breaking point by my prodding and told me one day with fake tears that she isnt talking to him anymore because she found out he was gay. She made up this whole huge story. I was broken hearted for her. We talked about it and everything was fine. A few weeks after this she asked me if she could go to Alaska to visit him next year when she was 16. I told her that i was under the impression they were not speaking. Let me add in now that she was also talking to him on her cell phone and skype ALOT so I was sort of comfortable with knowing that he most likely was WHO he said he was. Just not sure what he was doing in Alaska without her there also. Anyway, she then told me they were friends again and she wanted to visit him there as a friend even though he was gay. I had enough; it was too far fetched. I had my husband pull the cell phone records etc, dig dig dig. Everything checked out. His home with parents, and his cell. We confronted her very angry and she cried and said she loved him and she was hiding it from me because she didnt trust me and did not want me prying in her life. Um, didnt trust me? I have never hurt her friends relationships with her, nor have I ever done anything to break her trust with a boy!! In fact, she had NEVER HAD A GUY SHE LIKED TILL NOW. So this was just too weird. I prodded her more and she said that she doesnt like it when I get overly upset with her and yell alot sometimes (i suffer from bipolar) and so she wanted to keep this from me. I asked her again, have I ever done this in front of your friends or acted crazy outwardly to others around you? She said no but she was still worried. I felt awful. She had successfully used my illness that I have pretty much under control now against me. Wow. I left her alone again for awhile but I demanded to speak to him on the phone. I called his number and we had a 3 hour chat. He said he loved her, told me about his mom and dad, his 3 sisters, and how since he was raised with mostly women in the house and with strong Christian values, he would never hurt her. He tole me he was a virgin, was waiting till marriage (with my daughter), and that he was going to college and had a job. This all sounded great. But I was still wary. I tracked their phone calls, his hours way from her, had my genius hubby hack her skype etc....went to the cloud and snooped. She had lied after all it was our turn to find out more. His story still seemed to check out, he was away during the hours he said he was at school or work each day and they talked non stop on skype and on the phone. Then one day while checking the cloud again and their history of skype convos I came across pics she had sent him...and him to her. Right now she is 15 and he is 20. She sent him nudes from the waist up only and he sent her the full package of nudes back. Their convos through text and skype were littered with vulgar 50 shades of grey type chat and sexual content that made me cringe. I confronted her again and told her that this would stop now or I was cutting her off from him and her phone and the net. She agreed. So far I havent found anything new but I am still distressed. She is under the impression he will be coming here to visit her next year or that she will go visit him. I am getting ready to tell her she wont be doing nothing with him in person till she is 18 and can support herself financially to fund their long distance relationship. I would not be involved in this at all in order to help her be with this guy before she was an adult. Right now here is where it stands. He sends her gifts all the time here. He sent her a 200 dollar 8 foot bear for her birthday, and that just ticked me off more because she needs more sensible things. They love eachother right and are ready for adult stuff? Ok, send her 200 bucks in stuff she asks me for. IF he is who he says he is personality wise and is being honest about everything with her the thing that still bothers me is the age gap. He is alot more mature than her but also very immature and naive in many ways. My daughter is a young 15. She is scared to be alone at home too long, she suffers from anxiety alot and comes to me crying for support all the time. She doesnt like staying at other's houses for too long even if they are family or long time friends. I feel she is so into this guy right now because it is long distance. Because they havent met, and she feels safe online, on skype and over the phone. She is totally different in person than she is with him online, so much it scares me. Like her personality is changed. She sometimes uses this fake little girl voice talking to him as if she is trying to excite him or make him think she is cute. i confronted her, she told me I was crazy she doesnt do that. I also have viewed her messages to him many times calling him "Daddy". She also asks him if she may go onto Tumbler (he thinks she is addicted to Tumbler and tries to limit her time there); this type of controlling sort of worries me. The last thing I wanted to add to this is that 2 other instances recently have made me search for a therapist for her. I walked into her room (the door was unlocked for a change...she is in her room 90 percent of the time with it locked) and she was lying on the bed wearing nothing but some knee high socks and black panties chatting on her phone via skype video call with her ear buds in. She hung up right away and blurted out "I WAS HOT SO I TOOK OFF MY CLOTHES MOM." She said that she was only showing her face. The thing is that she said she was talking to HIM but I am not so sure. Because before this, i walked into my room while she was having her comp fixed, to find her on my comp using tiny chat. Tiny chat is a video chat room by the way. A guy said to her some smart comment about how the bed was unmade behind her (webcam is attached to my all in one computer) and told her to go make it. I saw her pretend to make it and kind of do a silly fall on the bed to let the chat room know she was just too darn cute and sexy. She got up and laughed and then noticed i was standing behind the door spying. She said she was just joking around and left the room. I wanted to interfere more but her level of anger and manipulation is very very hard for me. I feel guilty all the time and feel i should trust her and keep giving her chances. I feel bad because I have bipolar and have upset her in the past. I have made mistakes and feel like i need to make it up to her now maybe? I dont know...I need advice. My husband is in total shut down shock and since I am the pants wearer in the house usually he lets me make the final decisions. Please help me figure this out. I need some support. I want to be stronger and not feel like im over reacting. I also do not want to worry about her harming herself if I take this guy away from her and change her life without her consent. She is VERY EMOTIONAL and over reacts alot. I have heard her tell me many times she would want to die without him. I am lost.