My 15 yo wants to live with her dad!!!

Tina - posted on 06/23/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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After spending the weekend with her Dad, my 15 yo came home to tell me that she wants to move in with him. Apparentlym, this has been in the works for quite a while although it was a surprise to me. He lives about an hour away and in a much larger town. My daughter thinks she will have "so many more opportunities" with her Dad but I am skeptical of his motives...he hasn't done anything for her in 15 years that a court didn't force him to do!!! My feelings are terribly hurt and it seems that my daughter is abandoning me and the family that she has here with no problem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated....thanks!

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Last November my daughter, 16 also decided she wanted to go live with her father. Although I didn't want it, it's not about me, just as it's not about you. No reason for you to feel abandon, she simply wants to see what she never has I am sure. Doesn't mean she won't see you and as a matter of fact your relationship might even become stronger as you are now on the outside and not dealing with the daily stuff. My daughter left and we are doing just fine. I let her know this is her house and she is welcome anytime. It's terrible when adults pull at their children so my best advice is to not be one to do that...set your feelings aside and encourage what's best for her growth. Love her no matter what and know that by holding her back, you might actually hurt your relationship with her as she might resent you for it.

Shannon - posted on 09/30/2012

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maybe she just wants to get to know her dad better! :) nothing wrong with that :)

Mary - posted on 07/05/2010

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Rest easy! She will be back! My daughter moved in with her father at the age of 15 and came back to me in 6 months when he kept telling her she had to shop at Kohls and Walmart! She was a Hollister and Abercrombie & fitch,victoria Secret girl...... when ever I saw her she would ask me if we could go shopping... I bought her the necessities but nothing more! I figured let him spend some money on her since I did it for the past 14 years DUH! She is now 17 just got her first job two weeks ago and rarely sees her father! Her Choice! Enjoy the time you have without her for a while but save your money for when she comes back.......It most likely will be for the sweet sixteen party!

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Ariana - posted on 09/30/2012

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Is there some way you can get joint custody? If she's trying to go live with him maybe a joint custody deal would help this from becomming an all or nothing scenario. I know that's a lot of work but is there a way for her to take a bus to school or is it possible for you or him to be the one driving for an hour there an back?



You need to do what you feel is right I'm just putting out another option. Will he be as willing if you say you want to work on a joint-custody scenario? If she is really determined to live there telling her she will spend two weeks with him and two weeks with you each month could show her the realities of living with her father, but also show her that you love and care for her and no you aren't willing to just let her go off and only see her on the weekend.



It's just a thought, and if it's somehow workable (between you and your husband, not all of it on your shoulders to make fit) then you may want to pursue it. If the husband balks you could also point out why is that? Why can't he make the commitment to making sure he can see you even when it's not going exactly his way.



I hope things work out.

Sandy - posted on 07/07/2010

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It is the summer so a perfect time to do this, as opposed to why she is in school. I would tell her that since it is summer it will be a trial period cause you don't want to switch schools, let her go, but ya know she was just there, she is 15 and either met a boy she wants to spend time with or friends that she found!!! If you have a relationship or can talk to the father, ask him!!!

Marina - posted on 07/05/2010

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I don't know what to tell you but I do understand how you feel. My 13 year old daughter up and left for her dads in January an I haven't seen her since then, I haven't spoken to her since mother's day and that was only for her to say "mom I have nothing to say to you so leave me alone." I hope your situation isn't as bad as mine is, so I will pray for you.

Michaela - posted on 07/05/2010

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let her go she will come home you try and stop her then she will go and it will be harderfor her to say she wants to come home its a new thing she wants to try spose its fun at dads but when she is there all the time it will be another story ,wen dad has to tell her off and punish her

Julie - posted on 07/03/2010

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its not what he has done for her but rather what not. my parents split when i was 8 months and like you say he never did anything other than what he was forced to do. i once had an argument with my mum when she tried grounding me for something i now know was very very wrong. but like all teenagers i thought stuff you i'm going to live with my dad because he doesnt moan liek you do. infact he never did anything. i went out when i wanted came in when i wanted. i dont know if you in the US have heard of our Yorkshire Ripper. He was one of the serial killers in the 1970's. I was 13 then and my mum wouldnt let me out of the house but my dad did which of course when my mum found out she went mental. thats what dads so NOTHING they are the asy going guy who because he only sees you at the wekend doesnt want to be the bad guy. ASK AWAY AND FOUND OUT WHY SHE WANTS TO GO THERE THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU

Darlene - posted on 06/25/2010

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When my daughter was 16 I let her go and live with her dad. I didn't want to let her go but I felt that the only way she was going to learn would be to let her make her own choice. If I had just said no then she would have hated and resented me for it. 15 years old is old enough for her to make this decision as long as she is safe where she is living with her dad. In the end my daughter came back to me. She saw that what I was saying was right. Good luck!

Ellen - posted on 06/24/2010

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Unfortunatley, when a child is put in this situation, they will at some point 'choose'. I know, not something you want to hear. Maybe after moving in she'll come around and see how good she had it with you. Hang in there.

Tracy - posted on 06/24/2010

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This is thorny issue! On one hand, I say let her move in with him. Your daughter is at an age where being with her dad can be very good for her but you don't say if he has remarried. You don't say if she has siblings at home with you, and you don't say what the actual custody is.

If you have Shared Custody with one of you being Residential Custodian then her father has a right to ask the court for Residential Custody. If you have Sole Custody, then you have all the authority.

Each state has specific laws defining when a child is old enough to decide where to live. I found the best help for understanding what I could and couldn't do as a parent by going to the local Law Library, typically located in the county court house. I spent about $5 in photo copying the State Statutes regarding custody. You will want to ask the Librarian to direct you to the books on FAMILY LAW regarding CUSTODY. This is usually linked with Divorce. Reading the legal-ese is a pain, but you can always ask an attorney to translate these sections to you for less money than hiring one.

About feeling betrayed: yeah, she is a teenager and developementally, she is supposed to be "finding herself". Remember, you are her mother and she will always respect you for that-once she has her own kids, or the first time she has to live on her own. You will have to wait.

As far as her father having to be forced to do the right things for her: don't tell her about what a scum-sucking-bottom-feeding loser you think he is! There must have been something special about him for you to have produced your daughter! Focus on that.

My son's father didn't have a clue for years about how wonderful a person our son was/is. And, yes I too had to drag his sorry self into court to make him do right. But, once he (the father) figured it out our boy was happier and better able to adjust to life. This might be the case for your daughter and her father.

And, if her father thinks he will be getting a free ride by not having to pay child support by having her live with him: let him find out how expensive she is! Reality is a hard place to live and your daughter having a self-inflicted dose of it might not be a bad thing.

Just take care to keep negative thoughts, opinions, & valid points to yourself. She is a teen, so her thoughts run in three colors: 1. black, 2. white, and 3. what she wants. If you say anything she might make herself think you wouldn't welcome her home, or will hate her for leaving.

Be strong, and think forward. Praying for you...

Stacey - posted on 06/24/2010

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My 14 yo thought he did to. He has learned that it is not a wise idea. I told him it is not his decision and it will never happen! I told him over my dead body. I also told him that the rules at his dads may be leanient now, but wait til your dad has you. Do you think he is gonna stay leanient when you are misbehaving consistently? I made sure that he understood things are different there, but what has he actually willingly done for you? Does he pay for your extra cirricular activities? I wrote out a list of how much all of the stuff that he does, uses and needs and priced it. He then realized his dad was not gonna pay for all of the things he wanted, had, and needs. I know from experience, that once they are there for an extended amount of time, things change. I had a little brother that played that game.

Sherri - posted on 06/23/2010

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I believe that she is 15 and is old enough to decide where she would like to live. I know I would be crushed but I wouldn't try and force her to stay because she would just hate me for forcing her to stay and you may lose any further relationship with her.

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