My 16 year old is going down the wrong path

Shawn - posted on 03/24/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My 16 year old daughter is on a path of destruction that I am so lost to help! Over the last 2 years she has been suspended multiple times for fighting. She is very defiant, disrespectful, aggressive, angry and lost. She has had boyfriends that she was willing to get physcial with me when I said that she could not go off with them or that they come over to my house. She was in counseling (from last fight that was brutal and community service that she has not completed) Last year she went completely out of control with 3 fights, all at school this year. The school has been very helpful and understanding considering my health condition and would try not to call me but have really made things worse when things finally blew up and I was called by the police she had been arrested because of a fight. I was so upset because after she had left for school that day I got wind of the fight and called to warn the school to get her to the office so that I could stop the fight but I was too late. She was suspened and released to my custody (again). Well I had gotten to the point I did not know what to do because I did not have anything that she cared about to take away from her. She cares for nothing AT ALL. When I told her that she was not using the phone, pc, tv or leaving the house she did not care. So nothing changed. The new boyfriend has her so wrarped because when I told her that she cannot see him anymore or come to my house she ran away. I was up for 48 hours straight calling and texting her friends and had my family driving around for days looking for her. She was found with her boyfriend and when she was on the way home she said to call the police she was not coming home. The police were called they met her and brought her home and told her that she had to do what I said until she was of age to leave which they told her what age she could leave. She stayed in her room for about 2 months except to go to school then the next fight was so bad that she was expelled and arrested again. I have tried to get her into other schools but no one will accept her because of her track record with aggressive behavior (not even the alternative schools). That was in December 08 so for the last few months I have tried to get her to get up before 2pm to go out and get a job but this boyfriend has told her that she does not need to work because he is all she needs, he will take care of her and is going to marry her. Anyway 3 weeks ago I came home to her boyfriend sitting on my porch liked he owned it and I told him that he had to leave (calmly) after hours of telling him to leave he finally leaves and my daughter came in told me that her rules did not apply to her because her boyfriend said they were too harsh and that she was leaving. Well I had heard that before so I let it go and went to bed. She woke me at 7 am told me she was leaving and that she was not coming back. She has been gone for 3 weeks texts me occasionally telling me she is ok but when I tried to tell her that she is in enough trouble that she needs to come home. She refuses. I am at my wits end how do I help her understand what she is doing wrong? I want to help her but if she does not complete her community service by tuesday she will have all her problems combine and she will be gone until she is 18. I feel like I have failed my child badly.

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Shelly - posted on 04/04/2009

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Shawn,



  Well after about the second time of her being arrested you should have left her in Juvinile Detention and told the police that you needed a social worker from children and family services to moderate in this situation...I hate it when the state has to get involved in raising our children but it sounds like you have done every thing that you could possibly do.  If this boy is over the age of 18 I would have him picked up for harboring a run away and if they prove that he has physical contact with her I would have him charged with that to.  And I don't know if you know it but you can get ahold of your cell phone previder they can tell you the area that your daughter is.  And then you call the police and tell them what you have found out.  Then I would have her cell phone turned off and when she calls you b/c she will jusst tell her that no remember he is all you need so tell him to get you a cell phone...One of the problems here is that she thinks you wont do it she thinks that she has you right were she wants you.  You need to just cut it off and let her figure it out on her own!!!  Let her see what it's like to do it all by her self.  Yes I realize that is the only communication with her but it's also the last control she has on you and when you cut her phone she will understand that you are serious about what she is doing.  It might take a while for her to call you after you do this but she will call...But first and formost you need to have the phone company and find out were her calls are located..And don't let them bully you about needing a warrent you need to get on the phone with a superviser and if that doesn't work ask for thier superviser and keep going up until someone decides that they are going to help you!!!  And if they still give you a hard time about it inform them that you are going to go to the News media and let them know how uncoperative (?SP) they have been!!!   I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.  Just keep breathing MOM this to shall pass

Tasha - posted on 03/27/2009

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Shawn,



My friend, the only place you went wrong is allowing her to guilt you into thinking this is your fault. From what you have written, you have done everything possible to keep her with you, and on the right path. Her actions led her where she is today. You did not fail. She chose to allow other people to influence her. Since she does text, remind her about about the community service and the possible consequences for not completing it. If she does try to say this is your fault, softly let her know that you did not force her to leave. But don't get into a discussion about it or anything else that could turn into an argument. Pray for her fervently, continue to let her know that you love her, miss her and that if she wants to follow the rules, she is welcome home when she is ready.

Shawna - posted on 03/30/2009

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Oh by the way she has been clean for 2 years now and she lives with us she is back in college. She is thinking about becoming a vet and she will be going to Sol Ross university, in Alpine TX, this fall. We have our moments and some times I still want to just shake her, but, I have to remember she is so much better than she was, and there are alot worse things she could be doing. She now tells us everything. If she isn't going to be able to come home she calls and tells us wher she is at and what she is doing.Through all the trouble she was in I had to put her in Gods hands. I prayed for her every day. I guess what I am trying to say is mine was just about a bad as they come and she got better so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Shawn - posted on 03/27/2009

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Thanks so much for your post it really helped ease some of the hurt but after today things have gotten worse because now that DJJ knows that she is gone I was called in to fill out a statement and they are issuing a warrant.  I let her know last night that she needed to get her community service done before Monday and she just texted me back with she never wants to see me again and if she has to go to juvie she will just to keep from coming home.  I know now that this is not my fault but all and all I still feel like a failure as a mother. I am struggling so hard with this and have tried to avoid what has happened to no avail.  I did let her know that I love her and she is always welcome home but she again stated she never wants to see me again.

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Debra - posted on 04/04/2009

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Hello Shawn.  First and foremost you are not a failure.  Our kids do these things to make us feel guilty.  I have a stepdaughter who gave us trouble at 13 years so what you are going through is something we went through.  I know have a 13 year old son.  He has not started yet except he does not do all of his homework and lies about it.  I am a parent who las no tolerance for foolishness but has to deal with some.  Pray without ceasing God answers all prayers.  I only want you to know that I am here for you if you want to chat.  I will definately be praying for you and your family.  She will soon find out that these outside people are really not your friends.  The only ones that really care are your family and those are the ones she is shutting out temporarlily.  She will come around.  She has to go through her trials and tribulations now you have given her all that she needed and have raised her responsibly.  I know it is hard but God will bring you through.  May God continue to hold you in the palm of his hands and your daughter also.  Ask the Saviour to help you and he will help you.



 



Debra from New York.

Tracy - posted on 03/31/2009

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I dont know any words to help you out but I will tell you that I will be praying for you and your daughter . I have a 16 year old son and I have a few problems with him my biggest on is trying to tell him not to get to serious to fast

Helene - posted on 03/31/2009

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I'll be praying for you and her. Parenting teens is not for the faint-hearted.

Shawna - posted on 03/30/2009

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My daughter is now 21 and we had all kinds of trouble with her from fights to drugs to not being able to take her to the store with us for the fear that she would steal something. It all came to a head when she was 14, she had just came home from her dads(she had been living with him for 2years)and was totally out of control. She was sneaking out of the house at all times of the night and doing god only knows what. We would try to talk to her and she would get abusive verbally and physically. I was at my witts end. Then she got caought taking a laptop from school. I had to do something and it came down to tough love. I forced the school to press charges on her( I know that sound really bad and harsh but when you have done everthing you can to help them)she spent 6 months in lock up in a Juvinile Jail, it was almost like boot camp. She came home a different person. Then she graduated early from High School, she was 16. She fell in with all the wrong people when she went off to college. She was dating a boy that was a drug dealer and pimp. He got her on drugs and stole her car it was empounded and could not be gotten out because it was related to a drug crime. This went on for some time then when her car (brand new) got empounded and her granddad, that was paying for all her college, cut her off and we were threating her with having to go back to lock up she saw what she was throwing away.

I know that it is really hard to think about your child being in trouble, but some times you have to let things take its course and let tough love come in she will be very mad at you but there is a limit.

When my daughter was with the drug dealer and pimp she would call me all stung out on drugs and ask for money. I would have to tell her that if it was for her to come home then I would send it but if it was for other things then she was not going to get it. I talked to her till I was blue in the face about going down the wrong road and that he was no good for her. She would threaten us with "if you don't send the money that I need I will just not talk to you ever again." But once again the Tough Love was what we were having to do once again.

It hurts you more than it hurts them and they are better for you doing it.

Tasha - posted on 03/28/2009

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I too felt like a failure, because I went out of my way to get her to better schools, tried to keep her around good people who could influence her positively. I am embarrassed about the pregnancy, especially after the brutal honesty I used in explaining sex and boys. Not to mention it is discussed in detail at church. Plus, there are too many types of birth control for this to happen by accident. Your daughter going to juvie may give her a different perspective on your relationship. After she hears the horror stories of the girls whose parents beat them, neglected them, left them alone for too long, allowed them to be abused. In the mean time, you have a son to raise. You have to be strong in front of him and with him. So he wont think it's okay to act like that. But love him so he knows that you are there for him. And try to keep him out of it as much as possible, so he doesn't feel like he has to choose between you and his sister. If she calls, leave the room so he wont hear you get upset. What you can do to help this is to KEEP PRAYING! God can take care of them soooo much better than we can. He knows who to send that can say the right words to heal, save, and turn them around. Pray for her salvation, and that God sends people to minister to her. You will have to let her go and settle for her going to God, if she never comes to you. But we have to be strong. He won't do it if we are trying to do it ourselves. I KNOW it is hard, but love her from a distance and let God love her AND You! That is the only way you will make it through this.

Shawn - posted on 03/27/2009

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I am new to this site so do not know how to add friends as of yet.  So please add me to facebook friends if you would like.  I would like it very much to stay in touch with someone that knows exactly what I am going through! Everyone in my family is trying to make me feel better but this is so hard on me because when your child would rather go to juvinile detention until they are 18 to avoid being with you it really makes you feel like you have done something dreadfully wrong raising them! Which I feel something awful and also when I had to sign the papers to have DJJ pick her up made things so much worse.  I have prayed, cried prayed and cried more but still do not have the answers to why this has happened or what I can do to help this.  I am so lost to the point I am scared of losing myself in this whole process when I think of my son he lets all of this roll off his back but I can see he is hurting as well but he is trying to be strong for me.  So again I feel worse because I have failed both my children at this point.

Nicole - posted on 03/26/2009

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I will be praying for your family I have a 15 year old boy who is also going down the wrong path don't give up. If you need to just vent you can add me to your friends list here and or on face book we all need to just let it out sometimes and since i'm going through this as well it may help us both

Shawn - posted on 03/26/2009

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I have tried to get support the relationship my daughter and her latest boyfriend but after 6 months I started to find out information about the boy that will put my daughter in great danger and tried to explain that his past is following him.  He had gotten into trouble and from what he has told me alone he cannot got to certain towns or he gets jumped on because of his past. That was strike 1 for me.  Giving him a chance in the mean time he would show up at my house and stay for hours and never have a way home and and want to stay the night which a few times I had no choice but let him stay (with me staying up all night to supervise) but after it became a pattern I had had enough. Strike 2 Then when I found out that my daughter was sneaking out @ 2 am to walk a mile to meet him to have sex on multiple nights I hit the roof not only because she was sneaking out but mainly because he asked her to walk in my neighborhood (which is pitch black) and a not so good area for a defenseless young girl to be walking and to have sex in a parked car Strike 3,4, and 5.  She ran away right to this boy.  He not only hide her and again this time is hiding her.  She has major anger isssues and was in couseling but this boy told her that I am trying to brainwash her.  We have city transportation and he has told her that she does not have to use it so she wont.  I tell her not to do something he says my rules are to harsh and she runs away.  Her counselor says that she has defiant disorder and possibly bipolar disorder.  I have let her go but have told her that the road she is going down is going to come to a crashing end and today she feels as though I ended it my way and everything is my fault.  I do not know what to do or how to feel after the text she sent me telling me basically she never wants to see me ever again and everything is my fault.  I am so lost right now.  I feel like a complete failure as a mother.  Even though she knows my door and my arms are always open to her she would rather go to juvie than to ever see me again.  Where did I go wrong?

Mindy - posted on 03/25/2009

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I think you just need to let her go...try it on her own for a bit, but remember to tell her that your door is always open. She may decide it's too rough out there in the real world and want to come home, or she may do well, and you can hope for her that she does. May I also say God Bless You, because you are a saint for tolerating what she's put you through. I hope it all works out for you, I'm sending you prayers and a few hugs you may help out along the way.

Johanna - posted on 03/24/2009

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tough one!!! from what youve said it seems you have done all you can and sometimes we have to let our teenagers fail and just be there to pick up the pieces my family didnt like my boyfriend at 14 when we got together and when i moved out at 16 some of them really freaked but it was hard and we made it trough and we are happily married with 3 kids now 18 years later. have oyu thought that there may be a medical problem with your teen? ADD? or another mental condition? not that im saying shes crazy or anything my eldest was the same at three years old and was eventually diagnosed as ADD at seven and the medication once sorted out made him into a totally dirrerent person. hope this helps and just remember you havent failed your baby she has made her own decisions and you have provided the morals and support. she is txting you so there is contact maybe invite them both out to dinner somewhere to show that you are still there for her and will try to understand her view point :)

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