My 16 year old son is out of control

Elizabeth - posted on 07/16/2012

Talk to a doctor. And I mean a physicologist. He sounds like he is a threat to himself and others. You may be able to have him comitted against his will. That way the only way he gets out is when he can decide to behave.

Angie - posted on 07/14/2012

It is hard when you are a single mom ~ I'm in the same boat & it makes it even harder when his dad doesn't think any of it is a big deal; he was furious I involved juvenile when my mail got suspended for 4 days from my son threatening and harassing the mailman, he thinks it's stupid I called the police on him when he kicked a hole in my wall (if his parents would've called the cops on him every time he put a hole in the wall or a door, he would've spent his childhood in juvenile, he says); he finally showed up at a hearing, insisting he could come live with him, but as soon as he found out he would have to get drug/alcohol tested (he's on parole for felony DWI's), get home visits, do parenting classes, he bailed as quick as can be & is now refusing to cooperate with DFS...not surprising, he's $13,000 behind in child support, never did take that parent thing seriously.

I left mine with no phone/internet before...kinda freaked me out about the phone, but then I thought, our parents did it when we were kids, no having that instant communication, and we survived. Me & my oldest would also come home on our lunch breaks to check on him & bust him not home out running the neighborhood, we'd lock him out of the house, but he would always be inside when we got back.

I hope yours will get out of this stage soon...not only for your sake, but his as well. And even though your responsibility ends at 18, we never stop being a parent and even though you won't have to have the battle in your home, I'm sure you want a civil, loving relationship with him as he journeys into adulthood. I call it the other side..lol..One of my blessings is I'm at that place with my 20yo.

Hang in there, try to focus on the good, it's ok to have bad days & remember you are not alone :))

Roohi - posted on 07/14/2012

Wow Angie I feel for you. I know I have a long road ahead of me, I keep convincing myself it's a stage. I know that once he is 18, I can't have him in my home. It's one more year left.I also left him within no phone and no Internet in the house. It's harder when you are a single mom.

Angie - posted on 07/13/2012

I wish I had answers for you, but I don't...I myself am going through a similar situation with my now 15yo. After therapy, calling the police on him 4 times within about as many months, 2 acute care facilities, 3 weeks residential inpatient, another acute care facility, juvenile detention, 2 months inpatient, 7 weeks hospitalization, I refused to pick my son up and got hotlined to DFS (Division of Family Services). They put him in a foster home, he stole drugs, stole jewelry & had an incident with a butcher knife; they left him there...giving him 1 last chance; he then stole a $700 camera from school & got arrested & DFS put him in a residential facility. I knew by refusing to pick him up I would get hotlined and deal with a lot of bs from DFS, but they have resources I couldn't get my hands on.

I struggle daily with my decision because I don't know if it was the right decision; however things aren't better except the behavior and daily struggles are not in my home anymore. I miss him terribly, but I don't miss going through exactly what you are going through & the behaviors he is still showing at the residential facility. At least now I know he is safe, he isn't doing drugs, and hopefully with the individual, group, and family therapy, one day he will decide to make better behavior choices.

I agree with the facilities throwing out diagnosis; seems they are just so willing to give a label & throw meds at these kids instead of really finding out what is going on. After diagnosis of ODD, ADHD, bipolor, anxiety, depression, impulsive control disorder, my son's final diagnosis is Conduct Disorder, the next stage of ODD. I feel like months and months were wasted on the variety of diagnosis.

All I can tell you is try to stay strong, take one day at a time, stay firm in what is allowed in your home, call the police every time you find weed, alcohol (don't touch it ~ leave it where you find it...otherwise it disrupts chain of command), when he runs away, misses curfew, breaks walls, doors or threatens you in any way. They are supposed to file a report every time. There would be no phone or internet access until behavior improved. You can try contacting your juvenile office...in Missouri, a parent can file an out of control with them...I did and they drug tested him which he was positive for & he was ordered to outpatient.

Above all else, please remember you did nothing wrong, this is NOT your fault and you certainly aren't alone. There are some Love & Logic CDs that one of his therapists gave me; they helped me deal with my anger and frustration; they helped me not make his problem, my problem to an extent. It helps you separate his behaviors from him.

And probably, most importantly, let him know you are there to help him as long as he is helping himself. I'd be having a sit down with him (not that you haven't tried), and telling him you are a little over a year away from not being my responsibility, we can battle this next year or he can start making better decisions. Is this really the path he wants because if so, it's only a matter of time before he ends up in jail...his choice, but not what you want to see for him.

Best of luck to you!

Roohi - posted on 07/13/2012

Kristin: He has been going for therapy for over a year now. It hasnt helped.

Kristin - posted on 07/13/2012

Wow I am so sorry that you are going through all this. If my son was like this which he isnt thank god i would kick him out or put him in a group home. No one needs to treat anyone like that and definately not a child to a parent. Have you maybe thought of going to counselling together or even by yourself to help you through all this? He sounds like he has some deeper rooted anger issues and is taking it out on you, so maybe therapy would work. I wish you the best and hope you come to some kind of solution soon. Sorry I couldnt be of more help