my 16 yr old doesnt want to go to school

Lisa - posted on 03/06/2013

My 16 year old daughter has been progressively late since middle school (which she passed). Starting in high school she began to come in later and later no matter how much we punished, begged, took things away, etc. and even stay home for days and sometimes up to two weeks--for no reason or complaints of a stomach ache, headache, a few times she was actually sick. She passed 9th and 10th grade by the skin of her teeth. Her average is barely passing. Had to go to summer school last year and got a B+. Is very bright, talented artistically and would be an honor roll student--if she attended school on a regular basis. She consistently sets of road blocks to make herself late. However, if it's something she wants to do, she is on time and gets ready quickly. She wants to go to college, but for some reason wants to skip high school. She was diagnosed last year with a low-grade depression called dysthymia. She is on the lowest dose of prozac, which helped. The behavior I am outlining here is totally behavioral according to her therapists and even her guidance counselor. It is not depression. She is not being bullied. Has stated that she has nothing to look forward to in the high school she is in. We are in one of the top districts in NY State. She doesn't fit the mold. Has nice friends, doesn't do drugs or act out in any other way. She is active in our temple's youth group and goes to an evening Hebrew high school there. Most of her close friends attend the other two schools in our district (I've tried to get her transferred for a fresh start and was turned down twice). The school is talking a PINs diversion program or GED....she is also in danger of being dropped from the roster. Her friends in the other schools have NO idea that this is occurring....she is basically leading a double life acting like a typical teenager. And she will state to us and her therapist I am going to school, I am going to make up all the work, etc....and as I write this she hasn't been to school in at least a month and this year I don't think she has gone a full week to school. I've already been told that she won't graduate with her class unless she gets a GED and after that she can go to a community college here for a year possibly two and then go where she wants. She already stated that she doesn't want to go to this particular school. But she is doing this all to herself. Oh yes last year the school sent Child Protective Services to our house for Educational Neglect. That didn't even scare her and the case was closed because there is no proof. I am drained on a daily basis trying to get her to go to school....I'm heartbroken every day of my life....and to top it off she gets mad about the situation. But she is causing it....My husband and I don't know what to do any more.

Shea - posted on 10/11/2012

Ladonna I feel your pain! My son is doing better this year and really wants to finish his senior year now and graduate. But he has been counted absent and has been tardy to some classes. I;m hoping and praying that he will graduate this year! He is passing all his classes too! I have blamed myself so much in the past but he is old enough to know better and should want more for himself. I have talked and talked to him. I really hope things get better for you.

Ladonna - posted on 10/11/2012

I am having the same problem... ugh am at my wits end... he is still in bed as im typing this. I have called the dr to make a full physical appt. I feel as if im a failure as a mom. Ive tried being positive an patient but isnt helping. I just want to know what to say to him so that he will understand what ?he is doing to himself. Possibly only counceling will help am unsure? Any ideas

Heather - posted on 04/21/2012

I am currently going thru the same thing, husband left us, and daughter doesn't like school but has plenty of friends etc...so its not bullying issues, etc. She wants to be a grown up right now she says and get a job. I want her to finish school. Its soooo hard. she makes herself late on purpose so they will suspend her and send her home. Tried cyber school too, she wouldnt do the work unless I was right beside her at the computer, thats just not feasable with a one parent household. I feel for you and I hope you find your answers. :) Best of luck.

Shea - posted on 04/19/2012

I'm going through the same thing with my 16 year old son. He's attending school pretty well. He has missed a few days though through the year. His junior year has been absolutely awful. He's never failed any classes til this year. He's been asking since the beginning of this semester to be homeschooled. I've tried to ignore it but now he's saying he doesn't want to go back for his senior year. I really don't know what to do and my huisband is really not supportive of home schooling. I hate to see him so miserable. I would say look into homeschooling or see if something is going on at school. Changing schools is a possiblility too.

Kathi - posted on 04/02/2012

Shawn, the "enabler" they say is due to the fact that I wont be there to check on him in college or out in the work force... But he just got a job and I let him know that if his grades fall he will have to quit. So he is making sure his work is done.:)

Tamara - posted on 04/02/2012

What is TAFE?

Tisha - posted on 03/10/2011

I am going thru the same thing so truthfully I couldnt give much advise because I myself am trying to do what I can!!!1

Or-Tal - posted on 03/08/2011

Brenda, have you checked tactile defensiveness?

Brenda - posted on 03/08/2011

Hi there, I feel your pain. My daughter could not handle the pain of school, so we had to start homeschooling her in November. She has a highly sensitive personality, where she draws on all the senses around her. The sounds, smells, moods of others, can overwhelm her. She was a straight A student, but now she is depressed. She is doing a little better. I feel for you in this time of need.

Or-Tal - posted on 03/08/2011

Hi all,

I'm thinking other angles here. Is he bored at school? What is the value that he has been receiving from school? Knowledge? Success? Friends? Interest? Entertainment?

You see, I think that school MUST provide a clear value for the students to WANT to go there. And the problem is, that the diversity among people is such, that it is very difficult for any school to satisfy all of its students.

The best thing to do is to look for a school that could provide any of these clear values, or better yet - values defined by your own son. Talk to him. Ask him - if you had to imagine a high school - what would this high school give you? After he defines his needs and expectations - look for a school that fits, together with him.

Having said that, not all the kids really need school or really benefit from school. I know personally a guy that has left school at this age. He is now an internet entrepreneur. He is the most amazing self-taught person I have ever met. I can't imagine school having a better effect on him.

Debbie - posted on 03/08/2011

My son was the same way in 11th grade. Could not wake him for school and he slept most of the time he wasn't in school. I finally took him to the Doctor and explained what was happening and asked the Doc in front of him if he may be depressed. He denied being depressed and shortly after the Doctors visit it did get better, not great. Finally the last 5 weeks of his senior year, while everyone else was having fun, he had to buckle down and actually work to pass, and he did by the skin of his teeth! My heart goes out to you and wish you well!

Jeanné - posted on 03/07/2011

Having the same problem with my 16 yr sd....contact the school guidance counselor and let them know the situation. They have options you can take and it is up to them to contact the juvenile department/truancy officers who will then talk to your son. May even need to get him into a therapist to find out why he's not motivated...

Diane - posted on 03/07/2011

I had a similar problem. School discipline can be tough. I would go the medical route. Have his primary doctor check him out physically. Also, He may be depressed. Ask primary to check that and he may have to be referred. The teen years are so hard. Try to get him in bed at a decent hour and if he's on phone or TV too late (after midnite) take them away at bed time. Do everything you can to not let him fail at school because that just makes everything else worse. Try to talk to child and find out what is REALLY happenning. Good luck.

Shawnn - posted on 03/07/2011

Kathy, how in the world would someone consider you an enabler if you keep track of his grades? I do the same, and I don't make excuses for him when he's behind, I just nag him until he's caught up. You are NOT an enabler!

Kathi - posted on 03/07/2011

We go to court if our kids miss days here sooo My son gets up. I give him 10 minutes after his alarm goes off, then he gets a cup of water thrown on him, it only took 2ce to get up. I have been called an enabler due to checking up on his grades and if he hadnt done it then I make him do it, but seeing that wont help him when he leaves the house, therefore i backed off, and he has started doing better in class and getting up to go to school!

Shawnn - posted on 03/04/2011

Start with your GP. They can do general tests, blood sugar, urine, kidney function, etc. If the general tests show something (the blood draw was what finally showed my son's condition), they will have the tools to refer you to a specialist if necessary. The main thing to remember is that A LOT of things can affect a teen, like Jaydee said. It could be that he's either hypo or hyper glycemic, both conditions related to blood sugar levels, or he may be anemic (low iron, doesn't happen often in teen males, but does happen), or there may be an imbalance in his dietary needs that you aren't aware of. If the doctor doesn't find anything, then I'd look towards some scheduled counselling sessions. One other thing that I did find out, strange as this may sound, is that if I make my son spend at least 15 minutes a day outside (not walking to bus, but actually out throwing a ball for the dog, or walking the dog, etc) he feels and acts much better. Sunlight really is necessary for good health. Since we've added that to his routine, the residual effects of his recovery have been disappearing rapidly. NO MATTER WHAT, you need to let him know that these next steps are necessary, that you are extremely concerned not only about his physical health, but also his mental health, and you only want the best for him so that he can continue to grow and mature and enjoy life. If, God forbid, something IS found, he will be thankful in the long run that you made him get the tests done.

Again, many prayers, along with big hugs and support are going your way...Shawnn

Jaydee - posted on 03/03/2011

Hi Lydia ~ I am a high school teacher that teaches English to at-risk students. The behavior of your child describes my typical student. Development at that age is much harder on some kids than others. They are questioning so many things around them: their bodies, thier social lives, their connectivity to the 'now' and scared for what is coming up as they pull away from family and friends after graduation. Your boy may be feeling a lot of stress from several different factors. Strong, firm and loving encouragement from you with your ears wide open for when he is open to discussion is what I would suggest. The expectation to finish high school should be emphasized. Give him space and let him know that you are there if he needs to talk...be it 3 PM, 9 PM or 3 in the morning!! Let him know you love him all the time and this phase too, will pass. Good luck!

Shawnn - posted on 03/03/2011

Lydia, I know he may not want to go to the doctor, but he may NEED to. Like it or not, as my son found out, sometimes it is necessary. I pray that if you do get him in, there is nothing else going on, but I really think you need to get him in.

Shawnn - posted on 03/02/2011

Oh, Lydia! I know your heart is breaking. Are you in the US? If so, there are a couple of HS directed specifically towards the arts, but most are in the east coast area (NYC), and I"m not sure what the academic requirements would be.
I am curious, have you had him into the doctor? I am really wondering if he doesn't have an underlying medical issue, My son did, and once it was diagnosed and repaired, he's doing much better. He hasn't wanted to stay home for almost a month now, and his grades are slowly improving.

The hardest part is trying to communicate without letting your frustration show, but you need to try. My son was hesitant to even tell me he thought he may have a medical issue. The conversation was almost like I was back in HS! He told his dad, who then relayed to me. I gave an answer, which dad relayed back...this went on for about a week, and then I sat down with him and told him "look, I gave birth to you, I have seen everything you have, and if you are having a medical issue, we need to look into it". He finally opened up, we got him to the doctor, and things started happening really fast.

I am just very concerned that he seems to have his up days and down days. I am still praying for both of you, and sending you all the support i can :)

Alexandra - posted on 02/24/2011

If he refuses to go to school, then let him get his GED and go on to get a job, or join the military, or go to college. Fact is, sometimes high school isn't for everyone and some kids do better in college or in the real world.

If he isn't motivated to go to school, or do real world job stuff, then motivate him. Take away his TV, IPOD, Cell phone, computer, video games etc. Tell him he is responsible for doing his own laundry, cooking, etc. and make life difficult for him. If he isn't comfortable at home, he will be more likely to want to go to school or get a job.

Shawnn - posted on 02/24/2011

Oh, my, yes, Dawn has another good suggestion about getting "youth spies"...LOL...since we are in the same town where I went to school, a lot of the parents now were in my peer group in school, so our kids tend to hang out together. I didn't even have to ask their kids to help me keep an eye on my son! One day, out of the blue, one of the parents emailed me and said that her daughter was concerned about my son, and here was the reason...etc. From then on out, I have gotten regular updates from his friends, and if he starts acting strangely around them, they let me know. They even have my cell to text if necessary.

Dawn - posted on 02/24/2011

I'm thrilled for you that he's back at school. The question that comes to mind is is there something at school that is troubling him? My son disliked school and we've had to be flexible and switch him around (private christian, homeschool, public school) and we now have him at a small college prep school and he actually told me he had a good day at school and is doing much better here. He just felt he didn't fit in (we had to stop homeschooling because he wanted to argue & finagle to get out of doing his work with me). It seems like we've had to change schools (or school situations) almost every year til now. He's really seems to be thriving now.



Perhaps some one in your church (I've even resorted to youth group spies hehe...befriending a few teenage girls has been a tremendous help!) or at school can gently probe to find out what the real issue might be. Kids tend to tell their friends and other "safe" adults what the real problem is rather than their parents (who couldn't possibly understand). You'll be in my prayers :)

Shawnn - posted on 02/24/2011

You got it, girl! Besides that, we moms of stubborn 16 yr old boys have to stick together!

Shawnn - posted on 02/24/2011

Excellent forward move, Lydia! It helps that he's in a Christian school, where one-on-one time is easier to achieve. I'll keep you all in my prayers...Bless you!

Karen - posted on 02/24/2011

thats great news Lydia, good luck to you and your son. Stay strong and we will be her for you.

Angie - posted on 02/23/2011

Oouch. That's a toughy. I guess I'd tell my child that if they don't work they have to get a job and pay rent. Getting a job without an education might motivate him to go back to school.

Shawnn - posted on 02/23/2011

And him not wanting to go to the doctor...well, that was my son as well, but after his experience he told me he wouldn't make that mistake again. Keep us posted, Lydia!! You are both in my prayers

Karen - posted on 02/23/2011

Last year my 16yrld daughter absolutly hated every thing about school, teachers, friends, everything. She slept all the time and when she did go she just couldnt concentrate. Her principal was alot of help and very patient with her and offered any help he could. She also was not on any drugs, not even bad friends, she would rather be home weekends than off with her friends. I took her to the doctor and they gave her a mental health test (just questions) and she was diagnosed with anxiety, a form of depression, she was not an unhappy kid, far from it. Because of her anxiety she couldnt handle pressure or the rubbish the other teen girls carried on with. I agreed to let her leave school without finishing yr10 and work on getting herself better with medication and visits to a phsycologist. This year my daughter made the decision to go to TAFE and do her yr10. She is enjoying it so much, being an adult enviroment she is treated differently and it makes her more relaxed and seems to have more confidence in herself. Im very proud of her.

Im not saying your son suffers from this, but apparently its a common thing that is often thought to be just a teenage rebelious stage.

Louise - posted on 02/22/2011

You make it clear to him that if he does not go to school then he has to get a full time job. My 16 year old son dropped out of college after only 3 months and I told him that I would now loose my child benefit for him so he had to pay his way so that ment getting a job. he was unemployed for two weeks and I drove him nuts pestering him to apply for jobs and write C.V's and it paid off as he was offered 5 jobs. He has taken a job as a kitchen fitter and trainee builder which he seems to love. Luckily for me that is. he does pay a nominal fee for his board which I am putting aside to help with his driving lessons.

If your son does not want to go to school then maybe he could look into full time work. Just make sure he is fully aware that there are no more long holidays or larking about. Work means time to grow up and be responsible. I have to say my son did ask if he could go back to his old school when he realised this but it was to late in the year. He is settled now though and is going to college next year part time and fully paid for by his firm, so things have worked out for the best.

Shawnn - posted on 02/22/2011

boy, that's a tough one...my 16 yr old is the same. Here, I have options, I have friends on the intervention team for the school, so they talk to him when he becomes particularly stubborn. Also, here, I can be held responsible for him not showing up to school, so he's stuck.

Is there a truancy officer in your school district that could come visit with him? That's what I'd recommend, if it's not medical, or vice related. But, you may have him checked out medically first. We found that part of my son's problem was that he had an underlying issue with his kidneys that had not been caught by his doctors. (not their fault, he was a-symptomatic, so they didn't have anything to look for). We spent 6 months getting treatment for that, and he's got a much better outlook towards school now.

Best of luck :)